So Bad, Seuss’ Widow Said They Couldn’t Do Another
Live Action Movie For As Long As She Lived
2003
Well,
I knew this was going to come after I inducted that terrible Jim Carrey Grinch
movie. But I really did not want to do it this soon. But unfortunately,
NegaSeth had to put it as one of his nominees to make me suffer through first
and as soon as I saw that poll, I knew that was winning. I just knew you fans
couldn’t help yourself wanting to see me tackle that, whether for joy of
wanting to see me suffer or just because it needed to be done. And after seeing
it, I truly have absolutely zero idea what the people who made this film were
intending to make this film for. It is that much of a mess.
So
why did someone decide to make this movie? Well, despite how terrible I felt
that Grinch film was, it made money (a lot of money) and even won a damn Oscar
along the way. So why not make a live action film based on Dr. Seuss’ most well
known property in the Cat In The Hat.
Despite
more people remembering the adaptations of the Grinch, the most well known of
Dr. Seuss’ book is The Cat In The Hat. Heck, even the logo for all of the Dr.
Seuss branding is The Cat In The Hat. In fact, I had been hearing about this
film idea and the original person to play the Cat In The Hat was Tim Allen.
Yes,
Mike Myers was not the original choice and the original script was written with
Tim Allen in mind with his help as when he was a kid, The Cat In The Hat scared
him and he wanted to give the film the edge that scared him as a child. But
because it was finally approved in 2001 and the script was rewritten by writers
of Seinfeld. And Tim Allen was also busy wanting a re-write of The Santa Clause
2, which took more time so when it was time to make the film, he was busy and
had to drop out. Then it went to Mike Myers despite Mike not being on the best
of terms with the film’s producer Brian Grazer over a cancelled film based on
his SNL character Dieter. But to get Mike Myers in, they had to give him plenty
of control over the character, and according to rumors, would tell other actors
how to perform their scenes….which is rich considering the two actors he would
say this to were KELLY PRESTON and ALEC BALDWIN.
You
may remember Alec Baldwin for being in that terrible Final Fantasy: The Spirits
Within.
And
Kelly Preston was also in a past Monster Crap inductee for being in her
husband’s terrible attempt to get us to like L. Ron Hubbard in Battlefield
Earth.
Now
despite all of that, this being Michael Myers’ first foray into Monster Crap,
and the fact that I have called Alec Baldwin the most overrated actor out
there, these two are STILL better at acting that Mike Myers.
There
are a few more people who were in past Monster Crap inductees like Dakota
Fanning being in Twilight: New Moon
She
Is Still Staring Into My Soul
Spencer
Breslin was in The Happening and the only memory I have of him in that film is
him getting shot.
Dan
Castellaneta is also in this movie as the voices of Thing One and Thing Two and
of course he has been in past Monster Crap Inductees.
He
Was Mr. Kenny In That Fantastic Four Film That Won The GINO Award A Few Years
Ago
And
The Narrator For That Terrible Opening To That Horrible Super Mario Bros. Movie
And
there is two more, but I have kept this intro going for so long and have
basically delayed the inevitable for so long, I might as well get to the film.
Lord, help me…..
Okay,
there are a few (very few) things likable about this movie. For one,
I
Like That Parts Of The Opening Credits Were Done In Animation That Would Feel
Right At Home In A Dr. Seuss Book
Secondly,
Victor Brandt was a great choice to be the narrator as he seemed to completely
grasp the whimsy that Dr. Seuss brought in all his books and read his lines
here as if he were reading you a bedtime story. At this time he had been in the
voice acting game for a few years and trust me, he definitely made it work and
people who made cartoons did notice.
We
Also Get The Opening Title Card.
We
go to the town of Anville, a town never mentioned in the book because of course
in the actual book, the house where the book’s story happened in could be a
house like you or mine.
While
the colors definitely make this feel like this would be in a Seuss book, the
structure of the buildings does not. Here is the thing about most places in
Seuss books,
They
Look More Like This. There Is A Bit Of Zany Chaos In The Architecture.
Meanwhile,
this town of Anville looks too….normal. So we go to the offices of
Humberfloob’s Real Estate and it is here where we meet the mom of this film.
She
is on the phone with the babysitter for her kids and of course, she is getting
told that the babysitter is quitting so that means this mom (named Joan Walden)
has to go home. We then meet the boss in Mr. Humberfloob.
He
is very much a neat nick and introduces a new employee in Jim McFlinnigan, who
he then proceeds to fire a few seconds later for shaking his hand.
And
The Way He Says “Fired” Is Extremely Awkward.
He
says that tonight is a meet and greet at one of their employees’ houses and
this year’s host will be Joan. Joan informs her boss that she has to get home
to her kids and her boss agrees. He also says that if her house is as messy as
it was last time she hosted, she will be fired. We then go to Joan’s home and
meet her two kids, Conrad and Sally.
Sally
is very much a neat freak who keeps an itinerary on her phone while Conrad is a
rule breaker who makes a mess everywhere he goes because it’s fun.
Of
course all of this is so he can do indoor sledding on the stairs.
Sally
admonishes him for making a mess and mentions how hard it is for her to say the
two are related, which Conrad responds that he will put everything back (he
never does). Of course after he starts, his mom comes in and he goes by her,
banging into her car.
The
dog (named Nevins) also escapes and this doesn’t make Sally happy. The mom and
Sally are clearly unhappy to which Conrad smiles and asks “what’s up” to his
mom. Joan immediately tells Conrad that he is so lucky he didn’t ruin this
dress and Conrad tries to blame this all on Sally. His mom asks how this is all
Sally’s fault and Conrad needs to think about why. Joan tells Conrad that he
picked today of all days to pull this stunt and Sally says she tried to tell
him (which she didn’t). Sally hopes Conrad is grounded and Joan says her son is
grounded for a week, which Conrad thinks is too long and wants only 2 days.
Kid, you are lucky you aren’t grounded for a month.
Of
course, the neighbor walks by, who has picked up Nevins and brought him home.
This
is Larry Quinn (call him Lawrence) and he is dating Joan, which for him
ultimately leads to them getting married. Sally thanks Lawrence and when
Lawrence tries to call her princess, Sally says that in a constitutional
monarchy, parliament has all the real power. Um…that is a very poor way to try
and get some UK viewers to laugh. Not all monarchies are constitutional ones.
Even
Lawrence Here Is Stupefied By That Comment
While
Conrad is tidying up the living room, Lawrence asks Joan if she has given any
thought into his idea on sending Conrad to military school. Joan is still not
sure if it is right for Conrad, but after today, I would put Conrad on the
first flight there. Conrad overhears this and is not happy. When Joan gets on
the phone, Conrad confronts Lawrence on this and Lawrence admits that he
doesn’t like Conrad either. Basically, Lawrence is an ass to the kids when the
mom isn’t looking, but the most caring individual when she can see or hear this
stuff. Kinda like how Alec Baldwin was
to his daughter in real life.
Oh
You Bet Your Ass I Am Going To Bring Up The One Time He Called His Daughter A
Pig On The Answering Machine
Lawrence
leaves, but not before giving Conrad a salute.
Conrad
then tells his mom that he wants her to dump that neighbor. Of course there is
an interruption from Kate’s Catering.
Hi
Clint Howard, Who Has Been On Monster Crap Before With House Of The Dead And
How The Grinch Stole Christmas
And
yes, his name is Kate. That’s the entire joke and only reason for his
appearance as he delivers the catering for Joan’s get-together tonight and
leaves. Bye Clint Howard.
As
Joan is preparing stuff, she gets a telephone call from Mr. Humberfloob, who
wants her back in the office as there is a meeting about to take place. Joan
then calls Mrs. Kwan to babysit.
Ahhhh
Joan
tells Kwan that Conrad is grounded and offers Sally to take her to her friend
Jenny’s house, but Sally says she is no longer friends with Jenny because last
time they made cupcakes, Jenny wanted to be the head chef and only Sally can be
the head chef in her mind. And of course she isn’t friends with Denise because
Denise talked back to her once so Sally ordered that Denise never speak to her
again. Looks like we got a little sociopath in Sally here.
Since
they are both staying in the house, Joan gives them the rules including no
answering the telephone to say this is the city morgue and of course, no going
in the living room. Conrad talks back and says that what if he does, is she
going to send him to military school. Joan says if he behaved for once, she
wouldn’t have to consider it. Conrad says he wishes he had a different mom and
Joan says sometimes she wishes the same thing.
We’re
gonna play a little game here. For every time I give this movie the middle
finger, I’m going to keep tally so for this scene.
Middle Finger: 1
Oh
trust me, this will go a lot higher.
Oh
they try to play the sad music to make you feel bad for Conrad, which no one
would at this point. Joan even thinks about going back and apologizing, but she
doesn’t and goes on her way to work. We then find out that Lawrence is not
going to work and staying at home, proving this is all an act.
Mrs.
Kwan has the kids watch TV with her and it is Taiwanese Parliament as they are
going through a filibuster, which in this movie only means one thing.
Fighting
We
hear lots of random martial arts sound effects and Kwan is rooting for one of
the guys as she hates big government. For the blatant racism on display here,
Middle Finger: 2
Besides
if I want to watch Parliament, I’ll watch English Parliament where they all
yell at each other and sometimes even insult each other in the loudest voice
possible.
The
kids then just mope and look outside the window as Taiwanese Parliament is no
fun for them.
This
Scene That Is In The Book Loses A Lot Of Luster When You Hear The BS Sound
Effects Of “Taiwanese Parliament” In The Background.
Mrs.
Kwan then falls asleep.
Conrad
of course decides to keeping making noise at the fish bowl and Sally has to
tell him to stop.
Conrad
then licks his hand and tries to touch Sally, which Sally trying to keep it
away from her. Suddenly, they hear a noise from upstairs. They go and check it
out. It is there where this horrifying visual.
The
kids react in the appropriate manner.
Now,
I gotta nitpick here because you just made the Cat In The Hat a creep who
breaks into the house from upstairs when in the book, while he is still
breaking into the house, he goes SWAT and kicks down the front door.
Less
Creepy
Although
based on what Tim Allen said about his fears of this cat, I have a feeling this
scene where the kids try to run away from the cat with the cat showing up
wherever they were hiding was in his version.
The
Cat In The Hat introduces himself and immediately like the Grinch movie that I
inducted in December, basically disses the rhymes that Seuss had in his books,
which is basically a lazy way for their characters to not be rhyming.
Middle Finger: 3
When
Sally asks where this cat came from, he tries to do a Birds and the Bees talk
as a joke. When they try to get him to explain himself, he never does either by
saying he came from his place or saying he drove. Oh and we also learn the Cat
In The Hat is lactose intolerant. He then looks at a picture of Joan and
wonders who this attractive lady is, even making it longer so they could make
that it was a centerfold picture so the cat’s hat can rise.
Who
Is This Movie Made For?
Of
course, Conrad reveals that is their mom, to which he responds with “Awkward.
But why would any self-respecting mom use their centerfold (from probably a
nudie magazine) as they picture for the living room where everyone can see.
It
Just Raises Too Many Questions
The
Cat then sees the babysitter and wonders who sits on a baby for money as he
would do it for free. He then hangs her in the closet.
More
Like How You Would Hang A Suit And Less Like How You Would Hang A Person
Now
he checks what the Phunometer has to say.
He
firsts measures Sally and it originally says she is a serial arsonist.
He
taps it and it merely claims she is a control freak.
He
then measures Conrad and initially says he is a bed wetter.
Conrad
says to tap it like he did with Sally, but he doesn’t and just makes a joke
about how it isn’t gonna change even if you tap it with a hammer. He then
reveals that he is of course a rule breaker meaning that machine may be broken
as it missed out twice. He makes a joke about this checkup being $700 and who
is their insurance carrier. Again, who is this movie made for?
Conrad
asks what do they do and The Cat In The Hat says there are two treatments. The
first is of course some painful needle shots to the abdomen.
The
other involves a musical number and much like me, Sally asks for the shots. But
she doesn’t get the shots and we get a musical number.
He
starts singing, but in the middle, he pukes up a hairball. He also throws it on
a miniature head bust.
Gee….I
Wonder Why This Movie Was Considered Terrible
He
continues singing when someone yells for him to stop this. It turns out it is
the goldfish who now happens to talk.
The
kids are surprised that the fish is talking, but The Cat In The Hat asks if the
fish is really saying anything because he doesn’t think he is. And then the Cat
turns into Carmen Miranda.
Middle Finger: 4
Also,
in the song, they did a joke about cutting off the cats’ balls. FOR KIDS!!!!!
The
goldfish says this cat is in violation of 17 of their mother’s rules. Oh and
remember that City Morgue joke earlier, the cat answers the phone and says it.
The goldfish now says he broke 18 rules. And we have this matador joke.
You might be wondering what anything of this has to do with the movie and the answer is…….nothing. This was all just stuff Mike Myers would adlib to pad out the movie.
Then
they included this scene from the book where the cat is carrying things while
on a ball.
Oh
and he drinks milk so we get a burp joke.
Middle Finger: 5
The
kids want the Cat In The Hat to stay and he makes them sign a fun contract.
After
that is all done, the cat goes in the living room and the kids tell him they
can’t jump on the couch or they’ll ruin it. The Cat agrees and says the couch
needs some adjustments.
Middle Finger: 6
After
minutes of unfunny schtick, they finally start to jump on the couch.
We
get the fish using some flashback for the kids including a threat of her mom
being fired which they didn’t see. The fish gets thrown in the toilet and he
says this is where they buried his brother. We get this line.
Sally: Like being in a
circus
Cat In The Hat: Yeah, but without
all those tortured animals and drunken clowns that have Hepatitis.
You
could have just stopped at the tortured animals line, but you had to go
further, didn’t you, Mike?
Middle Finger: 7
While
they are doing that, Lawrence sneaks in for some reason and sees the kids doing
this, which he scolds them for. Sally tries to tell Mr. Quinn that she was
trying to tell Conrad to get off the couch. Lawrence reveals he is an asshole
to her by saying no one likes a suck up.
He
then goes and steals the beer from Joan’s fridge and a sandwich, also showing
he is a slob by burping at them. We then see that the Cat In The Hat is hiding
on the ceiling.
The
Cat In The Hat starts scratching himself and shedding. And what do you know,
Lawrence is allergic to cats.
After
Lawrence leaves, The Cat asks what the two want to do for fun and of course,
Sally wants to make cupcakes. The Cat is alright with this idea and we have a
long drawn out skit of a for an Amazing Products informercial of the Kupkake-inator
Middle Finger: 8
Basically,
you can put anything in this device and it will make perfect cupcakes. The Chef
Cat gets annoyed with the Host Cat and in his anger accidentally chops off his
own tail.
We
even get a moment of the Chef Cat about to curse, but he is cut off and the
kid’s ears are covered by the actual Cat.
We
then go to the Cat who is thinking of actually suing the kids.
And
while all this happened, it seems they may have put the device in the over for
way too long and when they open it, they make a huge mess.
Things
are even made worse when the Cat tries to clean it off with what turns out to
be mom’s dinner party dress.
The
kids stop him and mention how he has ruined the dress. The dress comes back
with how the dress was ruined already (basically saying it is ugly) and
snapping his fingers.
The
goldfish (who escaped from the toilet and is now in a small tea pitcher that
you usually pour tea into) talks about how the kitchen is ruined and how he
told them this cat was gonna create a mess. The Cat in the Hat says he will
take care of this and he knows just the people to help. He then brings in a
box.
He
opens the box and frees Thing 1 & Thing 2.
While
the cat is talking about how the two can go by different names, Conrad wants to
open the box to see what else is in it and the Cat says there is a rule about
not opening it as it is a gateway between the real world and the Cat’s world.
He then puts a lock on the crate.
So
the Cat asks the two Things to clean Mom’s dress and they do, but the stains go
right on the couch.
Conrad
yells at the Cat that the couch is now messed up so he has the Things clean. So
the Things clean that couch, but now they have made the walls and curtains
stained.
They
continue to make things worse and when the kids tell them to stop, the Things
won’t listen.
The
kids then try to net them.
Conrad
then decides to break the one rule the cat gave them and pick the lock on the
crate.
The
lock then decides to put itself on Nevins’ collar.
The
Cat is laughing about all this chaos when he realizes the lock to the crate is
gone. He asks Conrad about it (knowing he did it) and Conrad says it is on
Nevins. Of course, with The Things’ shenanigans, Nevins now has escaped
outside.
Sally
chastises Conrad that this is a mess and the Cat says it will get worse if they
do not lock the crate. They try to hold it shut, but the Cat says it doesn’t do
much without the lock and if they don’t get it soon, they will be staring down
at the mother of all messes. Sally and the fish want to tell mom and hope she
fixes the mess, but Conrad wants to go get Nevins. The Cat then decides to make
a joke of a third option involving murder.
The
Cat agrees with Conrad that they need to get the dog and in hopes of delaying
the crate’s mess, they put Mrs. Kwan on top of it, who is still sleeping.
We
then see that Lawrence is a slob with the gut and his entire house is a mess.
There
is a knock on his door and it is the repo men.
They
come and take away his TV because this slob is behind on his payments.
So
you can now see why Lawrence is trying to pretend he is a responsible adult and
get to wed Joan Walden.
He
looks out his window and notices Nevins got free. He calls Joan about it and
promises to get it back so they can have that conversation about sending Conrad
to military school.
Meanwhile,
the kids and the Cat find Nevins and the goldfish (in a jar on the backpack)
complains about the chance they become homeless if Joan loses her job because
of this mess. The Cat then asks if the fish wants to go back in the toilet and
that shuts the fish up. The Cat tries to jump the fence because cats are able
to do that easily and all and well…he’s a cat-man so it goes as well as you
would think.
When
they get into the yard, the Cat grabs a hoe and says jokes is going to kill
Nevins. Nevins runs and the kids chastise him for scaring Nevins, the Cat’s
response is to look at the hoe and say “Dirty Ho”. Then he smiles as if it was
clever.
Then
he says he is sorry and tries to tongue it.
The
dog then goes in another yard where there is obviously a party being prepared
as food is all outside. Of course, this party is for Denise’s birthday and
Sally wonders why she wasn’t invited. Well, maybe if you didn’t get mad and say
she can never speak to you again, this would not happen.
Conrad
says they need to get Nevins and of course, the mom from inside tells the kids
that it is time to go outside. So they run and fail to get Nevins, and they
things get worse as they have to hide. However, the cat cant hide so he decides
to pretend to be a pinata.
The
girl then says everyone should join in.
Shut
up, Dave. This Cat has been deserving this for a while now and I am going to
enjoy it.
The
kids wonder why no candy is falling out and a big kid with a big bat comes up
to say he will deal with this “no candy giving” pinata.
But
then they have to ruin it with the cat remembering a girl he likes.
Even
in the best moment, they ruin it.
Middle Finger: 13
The
fun ends as Conrad and Sally throw candy out and the kids go after it, which
distracts them. The Cat wants to kill the kid, but is thankfully stopped by
Conrad and Sally, who say they don’t have time for this.
Joan
calls Mrs. Kwan, who wakes off the box, and she doesn’t notice the mess and
sees two individuals looking like the kids, so she says they are like angels.
Then
we see Mrs. Kwan go back to sleep and the Things play with her like a
marionette puppet.
Meanwhile,
we see the box is wide open.
While
the kids and the Cat are about to sneak to get the dog, Lawrence comes in and
gets the dog instead.
The
kids think they are in trouble, but the cat says they can use his car to get
the dog back. The kids are upset that he failed to mention he had one, except
that he did when they asked how he got to the house. They see this awesome
hummer and think that is his car.
Except
that isn’t his car and that is merely the dust cover, this is his car instead.
And
again, they did another joke where they almost said a curse, but stopped. Again,
I will ask who this movie was made for.
Lawrence
sings how he is sending Conrad away and the dog pees in the car, but it is
actually on a taco. Meanwhile, the guys chasing the run a red light and the Cat
decides he is going to let Conrad drive.
Sally
also drives so she also gets a driving wheel.
In
fact, now they all get to drive.
After
spinning like crazy, Conrad asks where the brakes are and the cat rips out so
he can show them.
They
barely avoid crashing front on into a truck as The Cat gets ready for when Mike
Myers kills his career.
They
crash the car and it is now in pieces.
They
see Lawrence parked near Joan’s work and is ready to deliver the dog to her,
but the Cat has an idea, namely pretend to be a hipster wanting Lawrence to
sign a petition to save the Zumzizeroo.
Lawrence
tries to have this guy go away, but the Cat is persistent so Lawrence decides
to sign it. Lawrence has the Cat hold the dog and while Lawrence is signing,
the Cat runs away.
Hey, That Dog Doesn't Have A Leash.
That's Better
While
Lawrence wants the dog back, but doesn’t get it. He chases the Cat and kids,
who go into a mailbox where there is a party going on underground.
Oh
and unlike those spoof movies from Seltzer and Friedberg, this movie got the
real Paris Hilton. By the way, this was the same year as that sex tape with her boyfriend Rick Solomon was leaked on the internet.
The
cat falls over into a bunch of people with the same hat and just takes a random
one, which isn’t his. They run out through another structure and hide while
Lawrence tells Joan about everything. It is then that they realize the hat the
cat has isn’t his. So because of this, they have to get the Things to help them
by stealing Lawrence’s car.
Then
they have the Things pretend to be cops and pull over Joan and Lawrence.
Lawrence
sees the kids in his car and steals the cop’s bike to catch up.
Lawrence
beats them to the house and explains to Conrad how much trouble they are in.
They go inside and Lawrence sneezes, which means the Cat is nearby. Of course,
the Cat is behind and scares Lawrence down a pit that also reveals how really
messed up their house is.
Yeah,
their entire house is now a Seuss World.
The
Cat says this is why he never wanted Conrad to open the crate, but on the plus
side, this will definitely be the most talked about party. So since they have
no idea where anything is and the Cat doesn’t have his hat, there is only one
option.
They
go by the dining room and bathroom with The Cat In The Hat making terrible
jokes until they go down a slope and they ride like the are on a log flume.
Oh
and while Conrad says it is ride at an amusement park, the Cat looks directly
into the camera and says…
*Sigh*
I
know it has been a while, but I have to.
Middle Finger: 14
Then
to continue the ride joke, they have a picture of how they survived the Kwan.
That Cat is upset that his eyes were closed for the camera flash that we never
saw.
The
Cat wants to do it again, but the kids yell that they see the crate.
The
kids try to shut the crate, but they do not have enough strength to shut it at
this point and Sally starts getting sucked up by it. Conrad grabs his sister
stands on top of the crate lid. He tells Sally that he can’t reach the lock and
hold onto her so she has to let go. She trusts her brother and does so, which
allows Conrad to put the lock on the crate, which ends that problem.
However,
the structure on the ceilings fall so the house is now a bigger mess.
Lawrence
also comes out of the house’s hose tap.
The
Cat seems to want to have some more fun, but the kids see how messed up the
house is and are done. Oh and by the way, the Cat was lying about the hat not
being his anymore so he could have taken care of this whole mess, but didn’t
care to.
They
call him out on this BS and are basically done with his antics so they tell him
to leave.
The
Cat leaves dejected and the fish says this may not be the best time to say he
told them so, but he did tell them so.
The
kids try to clean up, but know they aren’t going to get the place cleaned up
before their mom gets home. Conrad is resigned to the idea that he may end up
in military school and Sally thinks she may end up joining him. They also are
willing to stay together to take the blame and hold hands while accepting that
they are brother and sister, and they wouldn’t want it any other way.
The
door opens and they think it is time for them to face the music, but it is
instead The Cat with a machine that cleans up the place.
He
reveals the small clauses in the contract that they signed. One clause said
that if Conrad opened the lock to the crate (which he know he was going to do),
the whole contract about having fun without getting into trouble would be null
and void. However, if the two should learn from their mistake, the contract
shall be re-instated. So yes, they will not be getting into trouble as cleaning
begins with a godawful cover of The Beatles’ Getting Better by….now what band
could this film get that had their 15 minutes of fame gone a while ago by the
time this film was released?
And
just for this song, I have to give this film this.
Middle Finger: 16
And
as this song continues, this film gets one of these.
And
since I’m sure Game Show Garbage’s Cyndi Seidelmann would also see this as
stupid, this song gets one of these.
And
since I’m sure Tooncrap’s Raymond Gallant would be see this as dumb, it gets
one of these.
And
I know my good friend DigiRanma would look at this stupefied, it gets this.
And
I’m sure more people would give this a facepalm as well, I just don’t have
enough time. Well....I can say one more thing where The Cat mentioned how this cleaning came with uptempo pop tune for the soundtrack, which is very important.
Middle Finger: 16
The
Cat leaves after seeing that both kids’ ability for fun is Just Right.
As
Joan enters the house, she is amazed to see that the house is really neat. Mrs.
Kwan says the children were angels after waking up, but Lawrence comes in to
try to tell the truth.
Of
course, he is shocked by how clean the house is and keeps saying how much of a
mess these kids caused today with some large cat. Conrad goes and tells
Lawrence how the asshole neighbor is looking, which is good for the ex-rule
breaker. Lawrence says that Joan is passing up a great opportunity with the
military school, but Joan disagrees. Joan tells Lawrence that he needs to
leave, but Lawrence has one last ditch effort to save himself.
Of
course, with the ruse all up in smoke, Joan dumps his ass and closes the door
on him. The house warming party begins and Humberfloob says that it is great.
Joan asks Sally what she put in the cupcakes since they are a hit. Sally says
you can make cupcakes out of anything and leaves it at that. After the party,
Joan joined the kids as they jumped on the sofa.
We
also find out that the narrator is actually the Cat the whole time.
The
Cat dances as he leaves the neighborhood with his Things.
And
the movie mercifully……..and I really do mean mercifully, ends.
So
how did this movie do? Well, you would think this film would bomb, right? No,
it didn’t. While it was a disappointment for Universal, it got #1 in the box
office in its first week and made back its budget of $101, 149, 285. The
reviews for this film is where this film died. It has a 9% on Rotten Tomatoes
(while the best Leprechaun film Leprechaun 3 has 0%) and every critic savaged
this film with words like betrayal and insult. Alec Baldwin would defend the
film, but that wouldn’t save it from the Razzies as it got…
*looks
at notes*
One
Razzie and that was for a special category that wasn’t used again. How the hell
did this not get more Razzies? What piece of shit came out this same year that
would be worse than this to critics?
Also,
the widow of Dr. Seuss hated this film so much that they were not allowed to
make live action adaptation of a Dr. Seuss book as long as she was alive. While
that still didn’t stop them from making shit animated films based on Dr. Seuss
books, another live action atrocity has not been made since. But sadly, Audrey
Geisel passed away on December 22, 2018 and you bet, since she is dead, they will
eventually make another live action Dr. Seuss film. You just know it is coming.
Hollywood always plays the waiting game and wins in the end.
As
far as the cast went, only one person suffered and that was Bo Welch (the
director) who has never directed another film in the 16 years since. Mike Myers
(who played The Cat In The Hat) would suffer for his bad films when 5 years
later, the Love Guru bombed.
Alec
Baldwin (who played Lawrence Quinn) would go on to become Donald Trump for SNL.
Dakota Fanning (who played Sally) would continue to be in stuff like 2004’s Man
On Fire, 2005’s War of the Worlds, 2009’s Coraline, and The Twilight Saga
films. Sean Hayes (who played Mr. Humberfloob/voiced the goldfish) would only
become known again when Will & Grace returned to the air and he got back to
being Jack. Dan Castellaneta (who voiced Thing 1 & 2) is still voicing
Homer Simpson and others in The Simpsons. Victor Brandt is still doing voice
work and probably most well known as General Crozier in the short-lived
Metalocalypse.
And
finally, nobody passed away so there is that good moment.
Now
for my final thoughts and yeah, this movie is every bad thing you have heard
about it. While the set design are good, the acting is bad, the jokes are
cringeworthy, and more importantly, this is a complete betrayal to Dr. Seuss’
most famous character. I really don’t feel like saying any more as this isn’t
worth my time. And sadly, we will get more Seussfuckery eventually as Universal
would continue to make garbage out of Seuss’ works.
Okay,
so NegaSeth….I finished your first part of this gauntlet of suck. Give me part
2.
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