Monster Crap Inductee: Alien Opponent (2010)

Monster Crap Inductee: Alien Opponent

More Like Alien Vs. Dumbasses

2010

It seems we have a formula for Gus’ inductions this year. First is a boring movie and then a movie that will piss me off. Rinse and repeat for the next two. You see Gappa: The Triphibian Monster was rather boring and then Flesh Wounds pissed me off. Lost Continent was rather boring and wouldn’t you know it, Alien Opponent pisses me off. Heck, I knew Alien Opponent was going to piss me off before it was even given to me as an induction because I have seen this movie before and I remember it back then pissing me off. Watching it again for this induction….only very little has changed, but I will get into that very little later.

The only things I can really say about the making of Alien Opponent is this was obviously cheaply made (and the director’s commentary confirms such) and that this was a film that was going to go straight to Chiller. Yeah, not even SyFy wanted to premiere this film. Chiller was a channel that was made by Comcast through NBC Universal and this was going to be their planned horror channel as in the late 2000s-early 2010s, several of these horror channels like FearNet were in existence. Unfortunately because you probably have never heard of this channel until now, you know that this shit died down and only really survives as digital channels on Rokus, AppleTVs, or Chromecast. I’m sure there are others that exist, but I don’t have all day.

So yeah, Chiller was a really low budget movie that was being directed by Colin Theys and this was Colin’s second full feature film as he already made in 2008’s Banshee.

Which I May Have To Look At Somewhere Down The Road Because The Plot Sounds A Bit Like Hobgoblins With People Getting Killed By A Creature That Can Use Sound To Make Hallucinations.

However, unlike Banshee, this film was somehow able to get two names in former Party of Five and Seventh Heaven star Jeremy London and former wrestler and star of They Live in Roddy Piper.

You Might Also Remember Roddy Piper From Pro Wrestlers Vs. Zombies

We have another Monster Crap alum in this film like Grady Justice (who was an Army Ranger in Bats (1999)).

And that’s all we have so let’s get to the movie.

We begin with the opening title card.

Then we go to a junkyard with a bunch of rednecks talking about having fun since work is done.

The redneck in front is Tom and he basically owns this town like he owns this junkyard. They talk about how there is a kid who they call “Junior” around and Tom wonders where that damn kid is. We then see him sleeping in one of the junked cars and one of the rednecks knows how to wake him up

By Shooting A Gun In The Air

That does wake “Junior” up, but later Tom tells him he is going to stay behind to lock up the place. We then go to Tom’s house where we meet Tom’s wife Meaghan and her mom Rita.

Tom comes in and asks Meaghan to make some snacks for him and the boys since they are gonna hang out outside tonight. He also questions whether his wife was sleeping around on him last night since he has been hearing rumors, hinting that he might be an abusive redneck husband.

The rednecks all play shooting games and ogle Tom’s wife, with him being okay with them doing it. She comes out and bends over to get Tom a beer so the others can know that Tom married a pretty woman. She says she is going into town to get some eggs with Tom slapping her on the ass on her way out. But Meaghan is really going to the junkyard as she steals Tom’s key to the junkyard. We then see what the junkyard is called.

Of Course It Is Called Tom’s Junk…What Else Would These Dumbass Rednecks Call It

Anyway, Meaghan is really in the junkyard to have sex with “Junior”, whose real name is Braden James.

Ah Yes…The Tamest Sex We Can Show.

Meaghan then reveals that she only married Tom for his money and the fact that he is only one heart attack away from death, considering the way he lives. She then says she is going to sell off all of his properties and live it up rich because he definitely does not spend his money on her. Tom goes to the kitchen and sees his junkyard key is missing so he knows she snuck off there. As Meaghan and Braden talk about how they need to make sure he doesn’t find out, he shows up with a shotgun.

Tom threatens to shoot Braden’s balls off, but lets him leave after he pisses himself.

Braden, He Is Only Sparing You Out Of Pity

He then goes to beat up Meaghan with a slap and then tries to strangle her.

She questions if that is they only way he can get it up, but before Tom can answer….he gets killed by Rita hitting him over the head with a claw hammer.

Um….Normally For The Hammer To Stick Like That, It Has To Be The Claw Part That Hits The Head, But Whatever.

Meaghan then goes back to the house and calls for Braden to get back here. Rita reveals now that Tom is dead, they can cash in and Rita doesn’t care if she gets arrested for his murder as she believes it was a Good Samaritan act.

But we see that the junkyard is about to be the site of a spaceship crash.

Which The Other Rednecks See And You Know Rednecks, They Are Going To Go Out And Try To Shoot The Damn Thing

As Meaghan sees the rednecks going off to do redneck things, Braden arrives. Braden asks what happened and Meaghan doesn’t know, but they both see the explosion. The rednecks split up to look for the creature and one of the rednecks (the one with the trucker hat) finds Tom dead, thinking the alien killed him. He gets spooked and accidentally shoots the white haired redneck.

Uh Oh….SpaghettiOs. Also….Nice Of Them To Have A Gun That Doesn’t Fire At All Because They Couldn’t Even Afford An Effect To Show That Shotgun Fired.

When the bald redneck comes by, the redneck with the trucker hat says the alien must have done something with his gun and it fired on its own. He buys it because as you know, these are dumbass rednecks. They find the spaceship, which immediately turns invisible.

The bald redneck touches the ship and it really burns his hand.

Trucker hat redneck questions why he would touch him, but bald redneck runs away as the alien is right behind the hat wearing one.

Trucker hat redneck tries to fight and grabs a pole, but the alien grabs the pole and impales the redneck with it.

Meaghan tries to get Braden to go in, but once the trucker hat redneck gets flung into a car, Braden runs away.

Unless The Redneck Turned Into A Tube Man, That’s A Bad Effect

The next mourning in Tomstown.

Yep…That Is What This Town Is Called

We see a white car drive in and the driver kicks out a woman named Deborah Dallas.

Not Kidding….That Is Her Name

As she goes through her stuff that the driver also threw out, a young kid comes by and offers her money for sex.

She shoos the kid off and is obviously one of those god-fearing rednecks although she does curse. We then go to Big Tom’s Diner.

It is here where we meet a waitress named Paris Montag.

We Also Meet Brooklyn Davis, Who Puts Alcohol In His Coffee.

Paris then serves a trio of cheerleaders who admit that they vomit up their food after eating to keep their thin figures.

The cheerleaders then decide to dine and dash instead of paying their bill and once the waitress confronts them, they already reveal they vomited up the food and throw the bile at her.

The manager of the diner comes out mad at the waitress for leaving for a bit. He also tells her that bill is coming out of her check and to clean herself off. Brooklyn comes out trying to hit on her before seeing the puke and backing away. We then go to Big Tom’s Strip Club.

I Got Bad News Before Going In. These Are The Only Boobs That Are Getting Black Boxed.

So in the strip club with the least nudity ever, Brooklyn gets confronted by someone named Kitty Kat.

She grabs him by the balls and squeezes before revealing that Brooklyn owes her quite a bit of money. She takes him with her so they can have a chat. We then see a stripper with clothes on (who is revealed to be Linnea Gold) be very interested in a bald headed client.

She takes him to the back in her private room which is basically a garage.

Yeah, Interesting Story Here. This Part Of The Strip Club Is Actually A Real Garage Because The Filmmakers Pissed Off The Owners Of The Strip Club Who Was Letting Them Use The Place For The Film And They Got Kicked Out.

Here we reveal that the bald guy is Francis and he is a former weapons specialist for the army and is in town to find his long lost daughter. Linnea also reveals that is her real name and she would be flattered if she got a stalker.

Honey, Anyone Who Has Ever Had A Stalker Would Disagree With You Right There….If They Are Still Alive To Tell You About It Since It Mostly Ends Very Badly.

Francis tells her she is too good for this line of work and Linea reveals that it isn’t really work if you love that you are doing it.

Back at the junkyard, we see the alien looking for parts to fix his spaceship as well as setting traps for anyone who wants to attack. Meaghan tries to get the cops to come by, but they don’t believe her story about an alien killing her husband with a hammer. She then reveals to Braden that the insurance company and lawyers need to have his body before they can get any life insurance money or inheritance money. Rita says that she got her daughter into this mess and she is going to get her out of this mess.

Francis goes back to his hotel that has an eviction notice on the door so he needs to find some cash to stay so he can find his daughter.

That Photo Is A Real Photo From The Actual Actress Who Will Be Revealed To Be His Daughter, When She Was A Kid. Same With A Picture We See Later On Because Remember, Tiny Budget….

We then see a commercial from Rita, Meaghan, and Braden talking about how an alien landed in their junkyard and killed Meaghan’s husband. Rita says all they need is for someone to retrieve the body of her husband and that one person will be given $100,000 as a reward.

Well, the next day….they have a crap ton of people from the town who want that money.

We also get introduced to Father Melluzo.

Hi, Roddy Piper

While in line, Deborah tries to hit on Braden, but Meaghan puts a stop to that. We get a scene where Paris’ friend Lux teaches Paris how to shoot a gun. Sadly it almost kills somebody.

That someone is of course Francis, who after forgiving Paris for nearly killing him, helps her fire a gun correctly.

A Tender Moment That Will In No Way Pay Off Later…

The alien sets up more traps as Rita thanks everyone for coming and opens the gate so they can bring back Tom’s body in one recognizable piece. Only one rule and that is to keep all the mayhem in the junkyard so they don’t have to answer questions later.

While looking around, two dumbasses named Rusty and Dale see an egg with boils on it.

Their first response is to shoot the damn thing.

Unfortunately for them, this releases a bunch of little worms that enter the body through any hole and kills you from the inside.

One of them immediately dies while the other gets a worm up his butthole.

The worms get on another person who accidentally fires his crossbow, which ricochets and kills someone else.

Linea starts shooting at the little worms while Father Melluzzo uses his cross-knife to stab a few of them.

If You Are A Part Of The Church, Don’t Leave Home Without One. It Can Be An Ugly World Out There And You Never Know When A Godless Asshole Is Going To Try To Rob You.

Francis is about to throw a grenade when he realizes that Paris is his long lost daughter.

If you are expecting to have a happy moment, you don’t know this movie because there might be one problem.

He Already Pulled The Pin Off The Grenade.

You know what happens next.

Bye Francis

Melluzzo saves Linnea from one of the worms on her back with his cross-knife and she thanks him. Officer Remillard comes by, wanting to know what is going on and Rita says they are just having a family reunion since she hasn’t been feeling well as of lately.

We then see a karate teacher and his karate students.

By The Way, The Teacher’s Name In The Credits Is Master Splinter.

The Real Master Splinter Is Rather Confused

There is a fat kid in the group who lags behind the others.

Father Melluzzo and Linnea helps get a worm out of Paris’ body, but because we can’t have nice things in this film, another worm is still in there and kills Paris.

Deborah tries to hit on an army ranger guy (mentioning that she is only looking for a husband), but he is not interested in her. But of course, Brooklyn is.

We go back to the karate class and the fat kid accidentally sets off a trap that ends up killing the rest of his class and Master Splinter.

Now you may be saying that the fat kid’s stupidity killed the teacher and other kids so it cannot be classified as PCD (Pointless Child Death), but just you wait. The army guys go after the alien and are about to shoot when traps pull them in the dirt and they fly off elsewhere to their death.

Brooklyn and Deborah are making out and we see the alien has killed the fat kid.

Yeah, I Got Bad News….That Alien Isnt Dying So PCD Here And I Fucking Hate PCD.

He uses the kid’s head to relay a message. The message is that his spaceship has crashed and that he will only kill them if they continue to try to harm him. The alien walks away as we see Meaghan put x’s over the photos of the people who have died.

That night, Father Melluzzo tries to start a campfire the old way and eventually gets unwanted help from Brooklyn who pours some liquor and throws a lit cigarette to create a fire.

Braden asks if Meaghan is okay and she says no as she doesn’t have a load of insurance money in her hands. Meaghan wonders if this was a mistake and Rita has Braden collect the bodies. We then see scenes of Braden being a slow idiot while picking up the bodies. We then see a couple and their dog.

The dog goes towards Brooklyn who seems to hate dogs. Deborah then convinces Brooklyn to go to the tent where the two can do some Hanky Panky.

No, They Do Not Watch The 1982 Comedy Starring Gene Wilder And Gilda Radner

Father Melluzzo tries to console Lux over the death of her friend and Lux says she is personally glad Paris is dead as Paris got more attention than her.

Yep….We Can’t Have Good People

Linnea is collecting jars of the kid’s blood when Braden stops by. Linnea reveals that they believe that the alien won’t kill them unless provoked. Linnea also reveals that she is not out here for the money as nothing she does is ever for the money as she has a trust fund to take care of that. Remember that line for later as well.

Lux wonders if she is going to hell for being happy that Paris is dead, but Father Melluzzo says no as God is pretty forgiving of the small stuff. They then hear moaning coming from Deborah and Melluzzo says this.

Father Melluzzo: On the other hand, the whore from Babylon is going to be bending over for Satan for the rest of eternity.

In the tent after sex, Brooklyn reveals his plan of waiting till the rest of the competitors die from the alien so he can swoop in and take the body so he can get the $100,000. Deborah is of course thinking of ways they can use that $100,000 towards living together and Brooklyn seems not 100% behind that idea, but doesn’t tell her that.

Back with Linnea and Braden, Linnea reveals that she and her father have a very strained relationship as he finds her rather eccentric behavior rather shameful. She tends to like that Braden is rather dumb so she kisses him.

The dog named Taco is still bothering Brooklyn so he throws the dog somewhere.

Oh Great….Animal Harm, This Movie Is All Full Of Ways To Piss Me Off

A guy tries to steal the prize at night and gets stuck in a forcefield.

He tries to shoot the force field, but the bullet comes back to hit and kill him.

I Wasn’t Wrong About That Subtitle

We then see a montage of the alien getting more parts, but this time it isn’t just for his spaceship.

Yes, He Made A Mechanical Shark

Early in the morning, Brooklyn wakes the couple that had the dog and tells them their dog ran away. They go out to look for them and get killed. The guy via setting off a trap while peeing and being frozen.

He Was Frozen Today!!!!

The lady gets killed by the mechanical land shark.

I Wish It Had Said “Land Shark” Before Eating Her

We see that Lux has created a map of the junkyard and included the traps in it.

We then go to Linnea Gold and Father Melluzzo having a sparring contest.

The Actress Actually Got A Concussion From A Hip Toss During This Scene. However, It Does Look Like Two Characters Having A Lot Of Fun Doing This.

Some other people get electrocuted when a power line falls on a puddle.

Another guy falls into a trap that sucks him into the ground and causes him to fly up elsewhere like those army guys suffered.

And Got To Be On A Trampoline For This Shot

Father Melluzzo and Linnea get done with their spar and are both impressed by the map Lux made. Deborah sees it and tells Brooklyn. Brooklyn doesn’t like this so he makes a show of being upset by this and making them pariahs for forming a team to take care of this.

We see Braden putting up a sign that says there is a land shark in this area.

But Will They Close The Beaches???

Also, the alien has made another robot.

With A Gun And A Saw.

Meanwhile, we get an even worse commercial for the $100,000 reward.

The next morning, they get more people going for the hunt and some people who want to watch the chaos from the woods near the junkyard.

They Even Have To Charge $10 For Viewing The Spectacle. Braden Is A Terrible Speller Though.

We then see a gentleman who we have seen at several points in this film building stuff called Heavy Metal in the credits.

He Burns Down The Worms

Officer Remillard knows now what is going on, but instead of reporting them, he wants in on the mission.

The alien is about to send out the junkbot that he has created after Heavy Metal, but of course there are football players from the local high school that want the first shot at this junkbot instead.

It goes as well as you would think as the bot shoots cellphones and uses his saw to kill them.

Well one (the star quarterback) does get by, but the alien takes his ass out.

And After Being Initially Horrified, Those High School Cheerleaders From Earlier Fight Over His Head

Then the high school baseball players come to attack.

The junkbot kills them.

One baseball player runs away and it is now Heavy Metal’s turn to fight the junkbot.

The junkbot knocks him down, but Father Melluzzo comes to help. They shoot the bot, but it isn’t enough. Father Melluzzo goes behind a car and while the armor is good still against the junkbot bullets, a ricochet shot that hits him behind the head kills Heavy Metal.

We are about to see the awesome battle between junkbot and Father Melluzzo,

Father Melluzzo Might Win After Ripping The Saw Arm Off And Using It On Junkbot

But freaking Brooklyn steals the kill and takes out the junkbot.

Brooklyn wants Father Melluzzo to beg for his life, but Father Melluzzo won’t so Brooklyn just straight up kills him.

There You Have It, The Last Likable Character In This Whole Movie And He Is Killed By Cheap Ass Brooklyn. If You Start Rooting For Someone, They Are Going To Be Killed Or Prove To Be An Asshole.

The alien comes by and Brooklyn runs away. The alien looks at Father Melluzzo and takes the orb out of the junkbot.

That night, the dog returns and Brooklyn still can’t believe it is around. Braden spends some more time talking to Linnea and she grabs the dog.

And She Breaks The Dog’s Neck.

Hey, Linnea Killed The Dog In The Movie. I Am Doing No Such Thing.

Linnea tells Braden that he should do something because he wants to do it, not because other people want him to do it. And it is at this point that they find Father Melluzzo’s body.

But Father Melluzzo’s corpse comes back to life.

Linnea shoots him in the head since that is what you do with zombies.

But He Isnt Done Yet

The cowardly baseball player bats a ball at his head, but that doesn’t kill him.

Seriously…Why Didn’t We Get Rowdy Roddy Piper Vs. Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz?

Melluzzo kills the baseball player and kills a few others. Brooklyn hits him in the head with the bat and now that is sticking out of his head.

And He Still Isn’t Done For

Linnea throws a sai at his back, but Melluzzo is still not done. Melluzzo is about to kill her, but Braden comes in for the save with a chainsaw.

Of course, this gets the job done as it gets out what was really keeping Father Melluzzo still standing.

Yep…The Alien Put That Orb Into Father Melluzzo As He Was Impressed With His Fight Against The Junkbot And Also Thought His Death Was A Bitch Move By Brooklyn.

Father Melluzzo thanks him before finally resting forever. Linnea starts making out with Braden’s neck and she wants to fuck his soul.

Which We Never See

Back at the house, Meaghan and Rita find out that Tom apparently had a daughter before his marriage to Meaghan, who could technically get the real claim of money if she wants it. Rita says they have to get that money before that kid shows up. It is at this point that Rita locks everyone into the junkyard and tells them only one of them will get the reward and she tells them they have until sunrise to get it done. She is also doubling the reward to $200,000.

Rita asks if she hears question. One guy has one, but she shoots him dead.

The alien tries to fly away, but the spaceship still isn’t ready to fly yet.

Meaghan goes to her mother and tells her that she has to open the gate. Rita is against this and she plans on having them all die as no one is going to get their hands on her money. Meaghan is confused by Rita saying it is her money instead of their money and Rita tries to kill her own daughter.

They fight and we go to a fight between Officer Remillard and a redneck. The redneck cuts the officer into two and starts dancing, but his upper half shoots the redneck dead before dying himself.

An eagle scout and the manager from the diner earlier kill each other.

Another dumbass looks at the shark sign with a scoff, but gets killed by the shark. Another guy finds the body of the eagle scout and reveals he is a cannibal by eating some of his flesh.

The fight between Meaghan and Rita ends with them killing each other.

Deborah comes to Lux trying to say Brooklyn is insane, but Lux realizes that Deborah is trying to kill her. However, Lux falls for the someone is behind them trick and Deborah kills her.

Unfortunately, Linnea is right there seeing the whole thing so she attacks Deborah.

Braden comes by and sees the two dead. He shakes his head and steals the keys.

Brooklyn thinks the body he is looking at is Linnea, but it is Deborah who comes up, but Brooklyn shoots her dead.

Linnea sees the cannibal and kills him.

Brooklyn tries to sneak attack Linnea, but Linnea sees it coming so a fight ensues between crazy bitch and coward. The cowardly Brooklyn cheats with dirt to the eyes, but Braden comes by to stop him from killing Linnea. Linnea puts the worm she captured into Brooklyn and just waits for him to die while having gazing eyes with Braden.

Yep….That’s How Jeremy London Leaves This Film

Braden and Linnea go into the barn and find the alien. The alien chases them and fights for a little bit. Braden tries a sledgehammer, but a droid buddy hits him in the eyes. Braden restarts the junkbot and has it shoot at the alien. The droid shuts junkbot down, but this does allow Linnea and Braden to run out of the barn. At this point, the alien just gets into his spaceship and flies away.

Even The Alien Says I’m Not Dying For This Shit

We are about to get a love moment between Linnea and Braden, but Linnea just kills Braden instead.

Then we get the final reveal that Linnea was Tom’s daughter as she calls him daddy and drags his body away, just so she can get the money probably.

Wait, So If Tom Was So Aghast At His Daughter’s Lifestyle, Why Would He Let Her Work At A Strip Club He Owned.

Well, it doesn’t matter as the movie is finally over with the title card again.

Since this was a straight to Chiller film, no point in asking how the film did because we don’t have that info. However, we do know what happened with Chiller and that is Chiller went out of business like many of these horror theme channels back in the day like FearNet. This was put out on DVD by Shout Factory and I am going to say this to Shout Factory. This is one of the worst DVDs I have ever had to deal with. The DVD menu here has a small special features section (outtakes and deleted scenes), a trailer section, and a commentary by several of the filmmakers. However, one thing you completely missed one thing and that is SCENE SELECTION. How do you forget to put that option, I don’t know. But because of this, every time I have to restart the DVD, I have to wait for the menu and then hit play, and pray I find the spot I left off at…and I had to do that a lot so fuck you. Shout Factory for this terrible DVD.

Nobody went on to do anything memorable after this film so sadly, we have to go to the section where we talk about people who are no longer with us. Roddy Piper (who played Father Melluzzo aka the best character) died in 2015 at the age of 61 after suffering a heart attack. Troy Walcot (who played one of the baseball players) died in 2017 at the age of 37 for unknown reasons. Sean Gallimore (who played Francis) passed away in 2021 at the age of 56 for unknown reasons. Paul Braccioforte (who played Jack aka the bald redneck at the beginning) left this mortal coil also in 2021 at the age of 72.

Now my final thoughts on this film. This is definitely a film that has everything that should piss me off. Pointless Child Deaths, killing of a pet, terrible characters, stupid decisions, BS moves, and terrible CGI are why this film completely sucks. All of this should make this film one of the Top 5 most hated films that I ever inducted and definitely worse than Flesh Wounds, but there is something that saves this movie. That something is of course……everyone seemed to have a good time making the movie and that showed while watching the movie. Yeah, it is still my Top 10 most hated films and is still worse than Flesh Wounds, but just by one position, but if I sense people are having fun making a movie….it definitely does make some stuff seem fun, which helps when you watch a movie.

Now for the last induction that Gus is going to have me induct this summer and as he calls it, it is a film like Spice World where it normally would not be on my radar of Monster Crap, but there is one scene with a monster in it so that makes it count. And it is also a movie I have never seen before so I don’t know whether that is good or bad, but considering it is the last film he wanted me to induct, I am going to guess it is meant to be bad.

RIP Clu Gulager

1928 - 2022

It is with great sadness we talk about Clu Gulager, who passed away a few days ago at the age of 93 from natural causes. He is most known in his early days for being a western star, his biggest being Emmett Ryker in The Virginian and Billy The Kid in The Tall Man. He was also well known in later years for his horror roles like Burt in Return of the Living Dead and the Bartender in Feast. He has not done a Monster Crap film yet, but that will change as this October, we will be doing one for Clu Gulager Month and while there are not 10 films, there are more than 5 and you will find those out. Clu Gulager will definitely missed and we will honor him for the October induction this year. 

Monster Crap Inductee: Lost Continent (1951)

Monster Crap Inductee: Lost Continent

Even A Professional Rock Climber Would Fall Asleep During This Movie

1951

So our next induction choice from Gus Richlen was a bit specific for him. You see, not only did he want me to do the 1951 Lost World rip-off known as Lost Continent, but he made sure to add that he wanted me to review this unriffed (aka not the MST3K version).

In the early years of Monster Crap, there were several inductions where I reviewed the MST3K version of the film. Now most times, people would proclaim that I was lazy for doing it that way. In many cases, they were probably correct as they were easier versions to get through, but there were sometimes where that is incorrect because even if I tried to do an unriffed version, good luck finding that because at the time I was inducting it, no physical DVD version of that film had existed besides the MST3K version. The Incredible Melting Man definitely comes to mind as I inducted that movie I believe in 2006 or 2007 and the actual physical DVD copy of that movie came out in 2013. But since I have gotten to the longer Monster Crap inductions and have gained more confidence in my abilities, I have purposefully avoided doing the MST3K versions because as you know, they do make cuts to the film so they can do the show segments and the last time I did use that version was Gamera vs. Barugon in my 89^th induction even though I specifically called out what was taken out of that version and was in the original version. So yes, I was always going to do the unriffed version of Lost Continent.

Now let’s talk about the actual film. As I said in my opening paragraph, this is a film that tried to take some of the love from an older film and get that love for this movie. In 1925, a silent movie based on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s book of the same name called The Lost World came out. It was the first film to really show off the effects of stop motion pioneer Willis O’Brien and the film was a hit at the time. However, if you go back and watch it, you might be a bit disappointed in it if you compare it to other silent movies like Nosferatu, Metropolis, The Cabinet Of Dr. Caligari, A Trip To The Moon, and Phantom Of The Opera. Also, you also may not care about it when you see other films with Willis O’Brien effects like I don’t know…..KING KONG!!!!

But obviously someone really liked the film and thought that a version that had sound would be better. But of course, with it being on this site, there are going to be a few problems. One, I don’t think they could get the official rights to do so and since it had not become public domain yet (it became public domain a few years later), that could not happen. The second problem is they definitely wanted this version to be a bit cheaper than The Lost World and they shot this movie in 11 days.

This was also a day that they had people contracted to a studio so they could get guys under MGM contract like Cesar Romero, John Hoyt, Sid Melton, and Hugh Beaumont. And yet, some of these people have been in past Monster Crap inductions. John Hoyt was Professor Gordon (Flesh’s dad) in Flesh Gordon.

Yep….The Guy Whose Wife Slept With The Garbage Man

No….Not That Garbage Man

Hugh Beaumont was one of the three leads (besides John Agar and Nestor Paiva) as Dr. Bellamin in The Mole People.

Also, while the effects were credited to Augie Lohman. It is believed that this was mostly actual uncredited work by Jay Baylor and Henry Lion, who may have been the ones really behind the effects of another film The Beast From Hollow Mountain.

My 100^th Induction Makes Its Presence Felt Again.

With all that done, it is time to go into what is the oldest induction I’ve ever inducted in Lost Continent.

We begin this film with scrolling credits and we get our title card out of the way immediately.

They then show the cast and we begin the movie. We go to a government facility in New Mexico.

With Stock Footage Lifted From Rocketship X-M

A rocket is shot into the sky and then when it comes time for it to come down, the controls go insane and the rocket crashes somewhere not in the US. Because of the atomic engine technology in this rocket really being special and not something you want to fall into the wrong hands, Dr. Michael Rostov and Dr. Stanley Briggs need to form a team to get the rocket.

We then meet Major Joe Nolan and reporter Marla Stevens.

They conduct an interview which quickly turns into kissing and they are about to do some hanky panky before some guy comes in and tells Joe that he is needed for this expedition to get that rocket.

Future Joker Got Cock Blocked

Also, that is it for Hillary Brooke as she never appears in the movie again so despite being second billed on this movie, only appears 2-4 minutes in the film. We then go to Sgt. Willie Tatlow, who is repairing his plane that he calls sweetheart.

He gets also called to the meeting. Lt. Danny Wilson is about to go on vacation when he also gets the call to go on this expedition.

No Vacation For You!!!

On a plane ride with everyone else, we find out Danny is only on this mission because Major Joe decided his buddy needed to be with him during this expedition to get the rocket back. Joe says he had to leave a sweet thing behind to do this so if he was going to be pulled into this crap, there was no way that he was not going to have Danny have fun as well.

It’s The Kind Of Friendship Where It’s Either Both Of Them Having Fun Or Neither Of Them Having Fun.

They ask Willie for some coffee and hopefully coffee for the rest of the crew. It’s here that we are reintroduced to Michael and Stanley. We are also introduced to Roger Phillips, who is also on this expedition for some reason.

That Is A Man Who Knows He Has Getting Attacked By Mole People In His Future

After Willie gets coffee for everyone (except Michael who doesn’t want any), Joe has Willie take over the main pilot seat so he can talk to the scientists. He then goes back and takes the pilot seat from Willie. The plane then goes down to get some fuel before it goes back up and the flight continues. They are at the point they believe the rocket crashed and suddenly, all of the controls start going haywire due to magnetism. The Geiger Counter also shows massive radiation in the area.

Despite the best efforts of the pilots, the plane crashes on the island that they were over.

Of course everyone is a-okay with only minor scratches. In case of cannibals, they decided to walk around the island armed. They find a small village with only two people there.

The native girl explains that the gods are mad about that rocket crashing in the mountains and everyone else in the village evacuated the island because of it, except for them as they stayed with their sick father, who just died a day ago. The crew wants to climb up the mountain, but she explains that is a bad idea as no one who goes up there has ever returned.

Of course they still go up the mountain and it is time for the thing that Mystery Science Theater made fun of and the reason Gus wanted me to do this induction. It’s time for them to climb the mountain.

*sigh*

I’m just going to cut to the chase and say from the beginning of the rock climb till the end, it is 19 minutes and 18 seconds. There is stuff that happens during this rock climb, but most of it are these guys rock climbing. For a movie that is 1 hour and 23 minutes, nearly a quarter of this movie having them do one thing is really bad.

But let’s talk about the few important things that happen in between this painful 19 minutes and 18 seconds. The first thing that happens is they find that there is poison gas.

It is some type of corrosive gas meaning this whole mountain is volcanic in nature and there is plenty of volcanic activity going on. But does that stop the crew? No….they continue. The second notable thing during this excruciatingly long 19 minutes and 18 seconds is they camp out for the night and Michael sees a giant lizard that disappears before anyone else could see it.

How You Doing???

The third and final thing that happens during this torturous 19 minutes and 18 seconds is that Stanley (who Michael really worried about when they found out about the poisonous gas, signifying that Stanley may not be in the best health to rock climb, especially since Stanley has a wife and kid at home) falls to his death.

Joe thinks Michael could have saved Stanley, but didn’t (even though we clearly see him trying) and throughout the next portion of the film, believes Michael has bad ulterior motives for this expedition. But we eventually get to the top of this mountain and the film turns from black and white to a green tint.

An Effect Used In The Lost World To Signify They Were In The Lost World.

It is used the same in this film, but interestingly enough….if you were MST3K or TV versions of this film, you did not get this green tint as the versions available for those didn’t have the green tint as that was a theatrical exclusive. However, people have been able to find versions with this green tint and returned it to the film so count your blessings for the advancements in preserving film.

Back to the movie, Joe and the rest are shocked and confused to see that there is a whole jungle on top of this mountain. Willie does a title drop by calling it some kind of “lost continent”. Michael thinks based on the radiation readings that they may have found uranium on this place. They find “brontosaurus tracks” and then find a “brontosaurus”.

Reason For The Quotation Marks Is That Scientists Have Now Determined That Brontosaurus Isn’t Real And Instead Someone Mistaking An Apatosaurus For Something Else. I’m Sure People Who Were Adults When That News Came Out, Reacted The Same Way When Scientists Said That Pluto Was No Longer A Planet….With Real Indignance.

When the dinosaur sees them, it chases them. Because in this movie, all dinosaurs will kill man if given the chance, even the dinosaurs that only eat plants. Robert climbs up a tree while the rest start firing at the billion year old discovery.

Yeah, Fuck Dinosaurs. I’ve Played The Jurassic Park The Arcade Game. Shoot All The Dinosaurs.

Of course this gunfire does no good so our heroes have to bravely run away. They lose the “brontosaurus” and have to sleep for the night. The next day, Joe, Danny, and Willie wake up to find that Robert and Michael are gone. Joe suspects that Michael is trying to find the uranium for evil purposes. They find the two remaining scientists holed up in a trench with Robert unconscious. Joe again believes Michael is up to no good, but Michael reveals that Robert’s foot is stuck and he wasn’t able to get it out on his own, and with extra pressure of a freaking triceratops nearby.

How’s Everyone Doing On This Beautiful Day???

They might have to fire because the triceratops is coming for them, but it then has its attention diverted when another triceratops shows up.

The two triceratops have a fight and one kills the other.

Triceratops #1 Wins….Fatality

While those two fought, our heroes were able to get Robert’s foot out of the gap where it was stuck and they all once again bravely run away. All of Joe’s suspicions calm down after it is revealed that Robert went out early to get some photos and fell with Michael there to help him. With Joe’s suspicions quelled, he apologizes to Michael and then Michael reveals that he once had a wife and kid much like Stanley does, except they died by Russian hands so he left Russia.

After a few minutes of walking and mentioning how they are low on food, they find a pterosaur.

They Shoot And Kill It. But They Are Not Able To Find It So They Can Eat So This Kill Is Pointless Much Like Trophy Killing 

They also find the rocket.

The triceratops and “brontosaurus” also show up.

The military trio decide to split up and start shooting at the dinosaurs to draw them away while the two scientists go to the rocket and get the data out of it.

Michael and Robert are able to get the data out of the rocket which has enough data so the next rocket will be perfect, but unfortunately Willie gets gored by the triceratops.

The rest are eventually able to chase the triceratops away, but the damage to Willie is too grave and he dies. They bury him immediately.

With all of that done, they decide that they might need to leave. While they are going down (back to regular black and white), earthquakes begin and they all realize that this entire island is about to explode.

Of course they don’t have to really worry as it is just freaking fake as a falling rock hits Joe and it doesn’t hurt him at all.

Freaking Rock Falls On Him Which Should Normally Either Kill Him Or Wound Him Really Bad, But Nope….Doesn’t Even Flinch.

They pass by the village and no signs of the two native people there at all.

Either The Two Are Freaking Dead Or They Got Off The Island A Long Time Ago

Our heroes find a nearby native boats (so they fucking died and no one gave a shit) and our heroes take the boat and leave. They then watch the island blow up.

Our four survivors watch as the movie ends.

We Lost Two People, Probably Left Two Natives To Die, And Let A Whole Lot Of Finds Of The Century Blow Up For Just Some Rocket Data……Job Well Done

Like many 1950s movie, we do not know how well it did in the box office. But we do know that this movie is not well liked. Plenty of people have called out the long ass rock sequence and one gentleman named Mark Bourne from DVDJournal.com said, “Well, one positive thing might have come from this cheapie 1950s sci-fi flick. It’s the births that resulted from backseat couplings when it played in the drive-in circuit.”

As far as the cast goes, Cesar Romero, Hugh Beaumont, Jon Hoyt and Whit Bissell. Cesar Romero (who played Maj. Joe Nolan) remained in movies, but his biggest role was as The Joker in the 1960s Batman TV series.

A Role Cesar Romero Thought So Little Of That He Wouldn’t Even Shave Off His Mustache For The Role So They Just Had To Paint Over It In Hopes You Wouldn’t Notice

Hugh Beaumont (who played Robert Phillips) would find his biggest success a few years after this film as the patriarch Ward Cleaver in Leave It To Beaver.

Jon Hoyt (who played Michael Rostov) would find work in films like When Worlds Collide (which came out the same year as this film) and Spartacus (where he played Caius). Whit Bissell (who played Stanley Briggs) would go on to be in other sci-fi/horror films like I Was A Teenage Werewolf, Creature From The Black Lagoon, Soylent Green, and The Time Machine (the 1960 one).  

Sadly it is time for the people who passed away portion of this induction and yeah, everyone who was in this has since died. Ed Hinton (who had an uncredited role as Officer at Proving Grounds) tragically died in 1958 at the age of 39 due to a plane crash which sadly, his wife and three kids saw as it happened. William E. Green (who played a guy named Simmons) died in 1962 at the age of 68 after suffering a heart attack. Sam Newfield (the director) died in 1964 at the age of 64 from liver cancer. Bert Stevens (who had an uncredited role as Officer at Proving Grounds) left this mortal coil in 1964 at the age of 59 after suffering a heart attack. Chubby Johnson (who supposedly had an uncredited role as a Bunker Suit, though not confirmed) died in 1974 at the age of 71 from a leg infection. Hugh Beaumont (who played Robert) passed away in 1982 at the age of 73 after he suffered a heart attack. Murray Alper (who played the Air Police Sergeant (aka the guy who got Joe, Danny, and Willie into this mission) left this mortal coil in 1984 at the age of 80. Chick Chandler (who played Lt. Danny Wilson) left this mortal coil in 1988 at the age of 83 when he suffered a heart attack. John Hoyt (who played Michael) died in 1991 at the age of 85 from lung cancer. Cesar Romero (who played Joe) died in 1994 at the age of 86 from complications from a blood clot stemming from bronchitis and pneumonia. Whit Bissel (who played Stanley) died in 1996 at the age of 86 from Parkinson’s Disease. Hillary Brooke (who played Marla Stevens) passed away in 1999 at the age of 84 due to a blood clot in her lungs. Paul Bradley (who had an uncredited role as Officer at Proving Grounds) passed away in 1999 at the age of 97. Aquanetta (who played the native girl) passed away in 2004 at the age of 83 from Alzheimer’s Disease. Chuck Howat (who had an uncredited role as a Naval Captain) passed away in 2009 at the age of 91. Sid Melton (who played Sgt. Willie Tatlow) left this mortal coil in 2011 at the age of 94 from pneumonia.

Now for my final thoughts on this film and yeah, this is definitely a bad film and not even one I can go back and watch for some joy. The rock climbing that takes 19 minutes and 18 seconds is just the definition of the word padding as it gets painful to watch. Yes, I know it takes hours and even days to climb a mountain, but we really don’t need to see every second of it especially if mostly nothing happens. The dinosaur action is very little and the dinosaur on the poster is not even in the movie. Also if you are second billed on a movie, you better be in the movie for more than 5 minutes. The only positive I can give is the acting was fine and some the dinosaur effects were good for how little of it you see. Oh, and it doesn’t piss me off like Flesh Wounds did. I’d honestly recommend watching the MST3K cut of this film as it shaves off moments of rock climbing while showing you enough that it is annoying.

Now as for my next film that Gus chose for me to induct, we are going to fast forward to the year of 2010 as we are going to be watching a TV movie from defunct channel known as Chiller and one that he has been wanting me for a while to induct, but either it didn’t win the poll or I didn’t own it. Well now I do so it is time to induct….

RIP David Warner

1941-2022

It is again with sadness that I mention the passing of David Warner from a cancer related illness today. While many of us will know him from his many roles in films like The Omen, Tron, Straw Dogs, Waxwork, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, Star Trek VI: An Undiscovered Country, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret Of The Ooze, In The Mouth Of Madness, and Titanic as well as his many voice acting roles like the voice of Ra's Al Ghoul (Batman: The Animated Series and several other DC Animated shows/movies) and Nergal (Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy). Monster Crap however will always remember him as Admiral Geoffrey Tolwyn in Wing Commander. 

He will be greatly missed. 

RIP James Caan

1940 - 2022

It is with extreme sadness that we talk about the tragic passing of James Caan today at the age of 82. There are so many films you would know him for like The Godfather, Rollerball (the original), Brian's Song, Cinderella Liberty, A Bridge Too Far, Comes A Horseman, Thief, Gardens of Stone, Misery, Dick Tracy, Bottle Rocket, Dogville, and Elf....among so many others. 

But this is Monster Crap, so we have to mention the inducted movie that James Caan was in. Although, he is uncredited....he is very prominently featured in the opening scene of a little film called Santa's Slay. 

Yes, The Film That Featured Bill Goldberg As A Killer Santa Claus, Somehow Got Several Actors Including James Caan To Be Killed Off In The Opening Scene (Before The Credits). 

James Caan was an extremely talented actor and he will most certainly be missed.