Monster Crap Inductee: Monster X Strikes Back - Attack The G8 Summit (2008)

Monster Crap Inductee: Monster X Strikes Back – Attack The G8 Summit

Guilala Is Back And This Time It Is To Make Fun Of International Politics

2008

Folks, when always inducting Monster Crap, I want you all to understand that while there is always the trash that I have rightfully call out, but the reason I keep having fun doing Monster Crap is not that stuff. It is instead when you sift through that Monster Crap and find something that is enjoyably bad. As the old saying goes, one person’s trash is another person’s treasure. And the director of this month’s induction is a person who I can always watching his stuff in Minoru Kawasaki, who has gotten the nickname of Japan’s Ed Wood.

Now, I understand people saying that as like Ed Wood, you can watch his films and have fun riffing them like you are on Mystery Science Theater 3000. However unlike Ed Wood, I and several others who have watched his films don’t think Minoru Kawasaki has the idea that the crap he is making is great art and instead, just wants to make some batshit insane films. In fact, the comedy in his film is intentional. How else can you explain films like:

·         The Calamari Wrestler – a pro wrestler who is able to return to wrestling a terminal illness, but is now a hybrid squid-man.

·         Executive Koala – A anthromorphic koala salaryman who may or may not have killed his wife. 

·         Kabuto-O Beetle – A beetle pro wrestler who has to save Earth through pro wrestling when alien bug wrestlers start invading and being assholes.

·         Crab Goalkeeper – Members of a Japanese soccer (football in most of the world) team find a human crap and decide he should be their goalkeeper.

·         The World Sinks Except For Japan – When Japan is the only country not underwater due to a global earthquake, every reason as to why there is not world peace collides on that one island nation when refugees from other countries have to live there.

·         The Rug Cop – A cop who stops crime with the help of his toupee which he uses as a weapon.

·         Pussy Soup – The son of a famous cat mascot decides that he won’t do what his father does and instead open up a ramen shop.

·         Outer Man – A superhero alien TV icon similar to Ultra Man becomes a threat when a similar alien comes professing that he has come to create world peace, but is actually secretly brainwashing the Earth in preparation for an alien invasion.

·         Earth Defense Widow – A former geisha has becomes an ace pilot after a kaiju kills her husband and wants to stop the monster, but it turns out that when attacking the monster, she gets uncontrollably horny.

·         Kaiju Mono – A Kaiju is destroying Japan and the only way to stop it is a serum that turns an average man into a giant Kota Ibushi and later a giant Minoru Suzuki (both Japanese wrestling legends).

·         Monster Seafood Wars – Two monsters from the sea are fighting and destroying Japan so they have to be dealt with, but the pieces of the monsters that fall off during the battles turn out to be very delicious seafood.

·         Planet Prince 2021 – It’s a remake of Planet Prince which Mystery Science Theater 3000 may know as Prince Of Space.

·         Super Legend God Hikoza – Years ago, humans and aliens joined forces and created a robot to kill a monster sturgeon named Shachihokon. Now, the monster’s ghost possesses a guy and now the team have to resurrect the robot and save Earth again.

·         Game of Shark – An elderly TV personality gets trapped in a room where she rolls a dice and has to go into a parallel universe to defeat shark men.

·         Kaiju Tengoku – A monster befriends a little boy, but when a cursed record awakens an evil monster and monster cosplayers which could threaten humanity, the good monster has to grow big and fight back.

If many of those movies sound perfectly awesome for a place like Monster Crap, its because they mostly are. However, a lot of them are also not available to watch in the United States and instead you have to watch most of them via being a downloading pirate.

I Am Indeed A Pirate In This Case, But Only By Force Because There Is No Other Way To Watch Them

I wanted to in fact do Calamari Wrestler as that was his earliest film for Monster Crap, but the DVD is way too freaking expensive so I decided to instead go for a film that came out in between The Rug Cop and Pussy Soup as it is also a semi-sequel to another film the I have featured on Monster Crap in The X From Outer Space.

Yes, The One Where Japan Is Attacked By A Space Chicken Looking Monster Made From Space Pollen

The interesting thing about this is that Shochiku had actually been wanting to continue with Guilala for a while since the 90s, but every single time there was something that stopped it. First, there was a project which Kazuyuki Izutsu and Shinichi Ichikawa, but during the evaluation process, it suddenly got cancelled. Then there was a proposal to have Keita Ameniya direct the film after his completion of Moon Over Tao: Makaruga, but at some point, Keita just quit the project. They then attempted to get another director, but eventually the project was cancelled again so this film, was actually released a decade after all those attempts.

There is actually one Monster Crap alumni in Shun’ya Wazaki and he is from the original X From Outer Space.

Yep….Captain Sano Returns And You Will Be Easily Tell Who He Is Because That Character’s Last Name Is Also Sano.

We begin at Lake Taiyo, Hokkaido and this is where this year’s G8 Summit will be. Now before I continue, I have to remind you that this was made in 2008 so the names of these people for the most part will be very dated because leaders change in most countries in 18 years.

And Now It Is The G7 Because Russia Decided To Be Bastards And Invade Ukraine

We then get to see the leaders all talking to each other.

Most of the press is here for this huge event, but our main focus will be on a female reporter named Sumire Sumindagawa and the male photographer named Sanpei Toyama.

Played By Natsuki Kato And Daisuke Kaizama AKA Kamen Rider Drake Himself, Kazuki Kato.

No Relation….

Sumire talks about how great this G8 Summit is with the world leaders talking together about how they can make the world a better place while Sanpei is not as confident about it considering this is 33^rd one and the world’s only going from bad to worst.

Trust Us, It Has Only Gotten Worse

Sumire thinks it is better than doing nothing and they mess around (not in a dirty way) before Sumire hears a sound. The two go into the woods and see a bunch of men at an altar chanting and dancing.

Oh No, They’ve Stumbled Into A Dance Cult

Actually, they’ve stumbled on a group of villagers in a nearby shrine who are trying to awaken their idol Take-Majin. Sumire and Sanpei think it is a weird dance they are doing, but eventually they get found out.

Yeah, Most People Don’t Like When Outsiders Are Taking Pictures Of Their Weird Dances With No Context

Sumire eventually explains that they are reporters from Tokyo Sports here to cover the G8 Summit and they wanted to learn more about the local culture. The people at this shrine tell the reporters to leave so they do exactly that. Back at the G8 Summit, we learn that despite the Kyoto Protocol being made here, Japan has only increased its carbon dioxide emissions by 8% which is against the protocol to decrease carbon dioxide emissions. We also meet the leaders for this conference and while this is a parody film, some of the people have parody names and some have their normal names, which is weird.

We First Have US President Earth Burger (Apparently A Parody Of George W, Bush)

Russian President Beef Stroganoff Putchin (A Parody Of Vladimir Putin)

French President Escalugo Solkozi (A Parody Of Nicholas Sarkozy)

British Prime Minister Meat Pie Brightman (A Parody Of Gordon Brown (Who When You Hear Him Talk, Sounds More Like George W. Bush Than The Actual Parody Of George W. Bush))

More leader introduction like:

Italian Prime Minister Pizzano Pietro (A Parody Of Silvio Berlusconi)

Canadian Prime Minister Maple Syrup Harris (A Parody Of Stephen Harper)

Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe

And German Chancellor Angela Merkel

Notice the last two are not parodies and just the real people so this movie is very sketchy on this whole making fun of the world leaders thing and also, none of them really act like the people they are supposed to be making fun of (like with Earth Burger and Meat Pie Brightman). Anyway, Abe answers about why they have no reduced carbon dioxide emissions and Abe tries to saying they are trying their best to change, but he has to go to the bathroom.

Burger says they just can’t count on him and decides that they should do this conference without the Japanese. Putchin says that the weather is warmer and with Russia being what it is, he appreciates the nicer weather so he welcomes Global Warming. Merkel is upset with that and wonders how Putchin can say such a thing while asking if he knows what will happen to the Earth if we keep allowing Global Warming to happen. Pietro says that she is right and that the only thing that needs to be warm is pizza. Brightman says that is not a proper comparison for a G8 and Pietro is offended. Harris tries to calm things down, but Solkozi has eyes for a female staffer for Abe.

He Definitely Wants To Be Doing Some French Loving With Her

Meanwhile in Sapporo, a meteor crashes,

The arguments in the G8 Summit get interrupted by a person telling Abe that there is a monster attack in Sapporo.

Monster Attack? Oh No!!!!!

We then see the arrival of Guilala.

I’m Back, Bitches!!!! You Think That Guilalanium Was Gonna Hold Me Down Forever

Then we get the title screen.

Yes, This Is Subtitled So You People Are Going To Have To Be Assured By Me That It Says “Monster X Strikes Back: Attack The G8 Summit”

We then get credits played with a legally distinct redition of the last parts of the Godzilla March theme from the original Gojira just so Toho doesn’t sue this Shochinku like they have done so many other companies.

Oh I Know We Make Fun Of Buc-ee’s And Their Lawsuit Crazy Streak, But They Pale In Comparison To Toho. Even We Here In The US Know That You Don’t Fuck With Toho.

And we immediately go to old footage from The X From Outer Space, showing that even today….if the Japanese can use stock footage of a monster attack so they don’t have to make new footage, then by god they will do it.

Yeah, You Can Easily Tell What’s Old Footage And What’s New Footage

Guilala also turns into a ball almost immediately.

This destruction causes the Pietro back at the G8 Summit to say Mamma Mia.

That Is A Very Spicy Meatball

The Japanese military comes in and asks the leaders to suspend this meeting and go home as they deal with the monster attack. But Burger says no one in this room should be running away as they should be showing the rest of the world how the leaders of the G8 get things done.

This Is How You Know It Isn’t Today As You Know Our President Would Be Finding The Nearest Catering Cart To Hide In

Oh and during this speech, we get to see how the actor who is playing President Earth Burger here, is really bad. Anyway, the rest of the world leaders also decide to stay, although each with their own selfish reasons for staying. We then see someone put a sign over the old sign that now says this is the G8 Space Monster Task Force HQ.

They then have a press release statement that they will work together to defeat this monster and that the days of them fighting with each other is over. Meanwhile, Sumire and Sanpei have to find a different scoop since they are a tabloid paper and they just can’t cover just the monster stuff as the rest of the real press will be doing that so they have to get a scoop the normal press will think is beneath them to cover.

After the phone call, Sumire sees the monster on TV and swears she has seen it before. We then go back to the G8 and somehow, they already have a toy of the monster to use for reference in their attacks.

And No, Before You Ask, I Do Not Have That Toy Myself

As they are discussing the attacks, a kid shows up because with all these older Japanese kaiju films, there was always a kid character where he shouldn’t.

He’s Been Called A “Kenny”

This Kenny gives the monster the name Guilala and then gets taken away because he will be annoying if he stays.

Get Out Of Here, Kid. This Is Adult Business!

They then find out the meteor was not a meteor as it was actually a Chinese probe because with this being a Japanese film, blaming China just makes sense. They then talk to Dr. Sano, who basically regurgitates the origin of Guilala that was in the X From Outer Space as it was a pollen spore that latched onto the probe looking for an energy source and grew from there.

I Was Once A Captain, But I Am Now A Brilliant Scientist

They then hope China can eventually accept responsibility for Guilala when this is all over and compensate Japan, but Putchin tells Abe that will never happen. Sano also says that the monster will not leave Japan altogether because it needs energy and the ocean doesn’t have what it needs. We then find out Guilala is attacking the Noboribetsu power plant.

I Hope That Isnt A Nuclear Power Plant As Lord Knows Japan Does Not Need Another Fukushima Disaster

Burger wants to formulate a plan to attack the monster, but the Japanese military says they already have a plan.

Meanwhile Sumire and Sanpei try to go where Guilala is, but a military roadblock will not allow them through and says just ask the PR department what is going on. Sumire rightfully says that everyone is getting that, but the guy at the roadblock says they don’t want to cause mass panic over a false report so everyone’s getting the same thing that is getting cleared by HQ. The two reporters ultimately go away. They also get a guy in an interview saying a kaiju showing up is a childhood dream although he wishes it was Baragon or Varan.

Hey!!!! Let’s Try Not To Anger The Toho Attorneys!!! Please!!!

He even thinks all the kaiju should have appeared at once and when the reporter thinks what he is saying might be insensitive to the people who have already died, he says these things happen. Also lots more people will die as that is how monsters show its power. He even says that he wouldn’t mind getting killed by a monster as it would be a perfect way to go. We then get an interview with Lily Franky, who is kind of famous in Japan.

He is basically saying that the environment is ruined and the monster is actually showing us the errors of our ways with capitalism. We then get a third guy to talk about how amazing and crazy everything is.

We then see that there are people profiting off of the monster like a person selling Guilala hot cakes and Guilala candy.

We then get a report that the Japanese military is trying a new Vulture missile to defeat the monster. Of course because the attack will happen at Mt. Showa and not Noboribetsu, where the monster actually is, Sumire and Sanpei decide to try and get their to steal some great shots before the military blockades it for other people.

Back at the G8 HQ, the Japanese military explain that they will lure Guilala to Mt. Showa by simulating subterranean magma using a special microwave frequency and make it seem like Mt. Showa will erupt so Guilala thinks he can get massive energy from the eruption. When it gets there, the military will then launch its new Vulture missile and hit Guilala point blank. Brightman says harvesting the natural powers of a volcano is a typical Japanese strategy.

What?

No seriously….does Japan really do that because I have never heard of this before. Anyway, Putchin doubts they can manipulate magma that simply, which Abe responds by saying that Japan is the world leader in earthquakes and their magma research is top notch. Is Abe trying to say they can artificially create earthquakes because I think that would be very interesting to hear for conspiracy theorists. So the simulation of a mountain that may erupt is done, but Guilala has not shown up yet. By the way, despite knowing of the Mt. Showa plan before others, Sumire and Sanpei get there well after others and a road block are already there.

I Thought These Two Were Going To Get There For Great Shots Before Everything Was In Motion. What The Hell Were They Doing During That Time?

Oh and I forgot to mention…

Guilala Now Has Neon Shining Spikes When I Don't Think He Didn’t Have Those In The Last Film

To get Guilala there, they now want to make a small eruption at Mt. Showa happen. Um….guys, I don’t know if you know this…but if a volcano hasn’t erupted in a long time, the eventual eruption is really catastrophic because of the buildup of gas and magma. Mt. Showa hasn’t erupted since 1945 so attempting a small eruption may create a rather big one. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like common sense to me. It’s why if Yellowstone ever erupted, most of the United States would be completely fucked and buried under ash.

Yeah, You May Not Know This….But Most Of Yellowstone Is Actually A Caldera Crater To An Underground Supervolcano Which Is Not Dead, But Hasn’t Erupted In Centuries So If It Erupts With The Buildup, It Will Be A Catastrophe.

Anyway, they actually created an earthquake and a volcanic eruption happens.

Pietro claps and enjoying says that it reminds him of Naples, which actually has two active volcanoes in the well-known Mount Vesuvius and the lesser known super volcano Campi Flegrei, which causes plenty of earthquakes there. Well, that eruption (that should have been bigger) got Guilala’s attention and the big monster is coming.

Come To Papa!!!

Of Course He Travels In Ball Form. Why Walk When It’s Quicker To Get There By Being A Ball And Flying Over There.

Once Guilala, the media freaks out and it is here Sumire remembers that the carving of Guilala was also on the shrine where the villagers were dancing to wake up Take-Majin.

The military fires the Vulture missile at Guilala and Guilala just catches and eats it.

By The Way, Massive Credit To “Hurricane Ryu” Hariken, Who Is In The Guilala Suit For The New Footage. He Also Worked In Suits In Several Heisei Godzilla Films And Also Works A Lot With Minoru Kawasaki In The Same Way.

Guilala Burps By The Way So The Missile Just Gave Him Gas That He Easily Got Rid Of.

So that whole plan goes to shit and Abe gets criticized by the other world leaders for how worthless Japan is. Abe then has to run to the bathroom because like before, when there is terrible pressure to answer for a mistake, he has stomach issues. They continue to make fun of Japan and the fact that it hasn’t fought in half a century. Pietro then says they should try their countries’ ways of defeating Guilala. And the next person who is gonna try something is Pietro himself.

Sumire goes to write a report when she is met by the villager kid from earlier who says that only Take-Majin can defeat Guilala. So we just missed what Pietro said his plan was and the rest of the leaders give kudos to Italy and their heritage. By the way, the sign outside the G8 Conference changes again to Spirit Of Rome – Strategic HQ.

Pietro goes and wants to observe his plan from the front lines. So what is this brilliant Roman plan that Pietro has for Guilala?

Lure Guilala Into A Trap With A Heat Seeking Missile As Bait And Have It Fall Into A Giant Sinkhole.

Everyone celebrates, thinking this plan has actually worked. Then Guilala just climbs out of the hole.

What You Mean The “Brilliant” Plan Of Having Him Fall Into A Hole Didn’t Work?

Pietro runs away and then for such a stupid plan, Guilala spits out a fireball at the base.

Guilala Spits In The Direction Of People With Stupid Plans

Back at the G8 HQ, the rest of the nations roast the stupid plan that they thought was a great idea earlier.

In Fact, Pietro And Burger Have To Be Separated Before They Come To Blows.

Then Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi arrives because after Japan’s humiliation with the Vulture missile and Abe’s continued bowel issues when under pressure, he is here to fill in for Abe.

Okay…I’ve looked this up and Koizumi was the prime minister before Shinzo Abe. Abe did resign after less than a year on the job because he was not really that well liked and he was at the time suffering from poor health. The actual replacement for Shinzo Abe was actually Yasuo Fukuda, who also lasted less than a year before he was replaced by Taro Aso as Fukuda also had to resign for being he was not popular either to both houses of parliament were arguing with each other over whether he should stay or go. Taro Aso also lasted less than a year because his party lost a lot of seats and even though they had a majority still, he resigned because he blamed himself for the change, but that happened after this film was released so it doesn’t matter here. Basically, the joke here is that this Abe was so bad that they went back to the guy before him because he actually could get the job done.

Anyway, after Koizumi introduces himself, Burger says he is the only man in Japan he can rely on. Harris then finally notices that Solkozi has been missing for a while. Well, then we cut to finding out that Solkozi is having dinner with interpreter, the woman who he had loving eyes for earlier.

Afterwards, Solkozi starts making the moves on the female interpreter (whose name we finally find out is Nami), but two guys grab Solkozi so they can bring him back to the G8 Conference Room.

So it is now time for Putchin and Russia’s plan for defeating Guilala and if you know how Putin dealt with his political enemies (in this case, throwing Guilala out of the window and just saying it committed suicide is out of the question (although that idea would be hilarious to see done)), they are going to poison the monster with the Polonium 2.0 Poising Plan.

Which They Changed The Sign To.

Basically, Putchin wants this monster to be an example of Russian Justice. An assassin with a bazooka launches a giant syringe of Polonium 2.0 at the monster’s back.

Guilala screams from the injection and goes down.

Everyone thinks the plan has worked and Putchin tells the rest of the G8 leaders to beware of the gifts given to them by Russia. Unfortunately, he spoke too soon as all that injection did was cause Guilala to take a nap.

Awww….They Should Tuck Guilala In With A Giant Pillow And A Giant Blanket

Sumire says these world leaders are just useless as we go back to the world leaders looking at Putchin with dagger eyes as Putchin tries to say “hey, we at least halted him”. We then get word a German transport plane is requesting permission to land as Merkel has a plan as Germany has their own poison plan with the sign changing to Dublin VX VIII Poison Gas Plan.

Um….Let’s Not Bring Up Why Germany Would Know A Bit About Gassing People

So yeah, we’re going to wrap Guilala in a giant plastic and poison gas him to death (again, I’m not sure bringing up Germany’s greatest sin as a joke is funny, especially to someone who is part German).

Oh and the military chase away the media as they wear gas masks because they might need to back away in case the gas gets loose somehow.

Basically, They Moved Them A Van Away From Where They Were Originally Standing

Sumire gets a call from the boss who thinks chemical weapons may be used and for the two to not risk their lives for a scoop. Sumire then finally decides that she and Sanpei may need to go back to the shrine. Then we go back to the G8.

Another Gag I Missed The First Time Is The Country’s Plans That Failed Are Now At Half Staff.

Koizumi asks Germany to rethink its plan as chemical weapons are banned under international treaty, but the rest of the world leaders are willing to take that chance under this special circumstance. Koizumi then asks if they can use nuclear weapons as well, but the G8 is completely against that idea and say that Japan should know the effects of such a move. Koizumi then apologizes and says he misspoke.

Now its time to start gassing Guilala.

Turns out this plan doesn’t work as Guilala wakes up. He takes the sheet off of his head and everyone runs.

Get This Shit Off Of Me!!!

Guilala then starts laughing as we find out the gas just made him high as a kite.

Dude….Anyone Notice I Have A Hole On My Neck??? Isn’t That So Weird???

Everyone is freaked out by Guilala laughing.

Merkel Is Probably Upset That Her Flag Is Now Going To Have To Be Half Staff

Then as the sun sets, Guilala starts dancing around as it is high.

Then A Freaking Guilala Song Starts Playing With Actual Lyrics

Back at the G8 HQ, Brightman says he has a great idea and it is to somehow brainwash the monster with radio waves.

We then go back to that forest shrine where they look at the wood carving and Sanpei agrees with Sumire that one of the carvings really does look like Guilala. And of course the other carving is Take-Majin.

The kid shows up to say exactly that and that Take-Majin will beat Guilala. Sanpei is disbelieving and wonders if Take-Majin is just some children’s TV character. The kid goes to leave, but Sumire stops him and we find out the kid is the grandson of the shrine’s protecter in this old guy.

Sumire says she wants to know about Guilala and why it was carved on this shrine. The old man explains that ancient scrolls foretold of this monster showing up and that Take-Majin being able to defeat it.

Apparently, Take-Majin is already on Earth and is having one hell of a nap. He is also the guardian diety of Lake Toya and while he may not appear for real, the people here feel Take-Majin in their hearts and their belief creates greater clarity than if they actually saw him. The two reporters than have to leave as the next G8 plan is happening and their boss will get mad if it is missed. Sumire has a talk with the kid (who we find out is Shinichi) and he doesn’t know why he likes Take-Majin so much. Shinichi runs away and a neighbor says he feels sorry for that kid. He explains that Shinichi’s mother died giving birth to him and his father Toshio raised him all alone until about five years ago when he was killed in a landslide. The last thing his dad said was that Take-Majin will protect him.

Shinichi is at the shrine and begs Take-Majin to wake up quickly. Sumire comes by and tells Shinichi that she also believes that Take-Majin will save the day. Sanpei then finds Sumire trying to learn the Take-Majin summoning dance. Sanpei says they need to get back and Sumire says she is staying here as she is going to help the villagers wake Take-Majin up. We then find out another member of the villagers hates the two reporters as outsiders as they defile the lands of Lake Toya. They the villagers start throwing rocks and one his Sumire in the head causing her to bleed. Sumire then goes on a speech about how these villagers are better than most people in their world as people in her world can’t even bring peace to their own cities. She then begs to dance with them and eventually, they accept her. Sanpei also decides that he also wants to join in helping awaken Take-Majin.

Meanwhile, let’s go back and see how the English plan is going.

Do I Really Need To Say This Plan Fails?

Well, it does as Guilala is eventually able to shake the headphones off of it.

And then for even doing this stupid plan, Guilala destroys an electrical substation.

The San Francisco 49ers Would Love It If That Was The Fate Of The Electrical Substation Near Their Facilities

We then find out that the only thing that was destroyed was Guilala’s psyche and now the monster is on a damn rampage so Brightman’s plan just made the situation go from bad to worse. Brightman is upset and says that the reputation of Great Britian is completely ruined. Burger says there is nothing left to do which causes Koizumi to laugh. He then says the only choice is nuclear weapons. They think Koizumi has gone mad, but Koizumi says it is now time for his plan as a Potaedong 55 Missile will take out Guilala. We then find out that Koizumi is really just Kim Jong Ill of North Korea in disguise.

Or Northern Dictator Of North Country As They Will Not Say Kim Jong Ill By Name As His Evil Is Not Worth A Name In This Parody

The G8 leaders want to stop this maniac, but all the women translators at this Summit were really spies and have guns on the leaders.

Northern Dictator for years has wanted to hijack this Summit and now he has while also now being able to show them that his weaponry is superior to the rest of the world. He reveals that the women are all from his pleasure brigade (aka his harem). Putchin tries to say if that missile hits, this place will be irradiated too, which means they all will die. Northern Dictator then says that the missile has a limited warhead and will only destroy everything in 2 miles from its impact point so they are safe here. Burger says they were supposed to give up their atomic weapons, but Northern Dictator says the UN inspections were a joke and now the G8 leaders are his hostages and his missile will destroy Guilala, which will make him King Of The World.

Well, At Least This Isn’t The Titanic As That Movie Was Actually Longer Than How Long It Took For That Ship To Sink

Back at the shrine, the dancing to wake Take-Majin’s lazy ass up continues.

Meanwhile, we see that Solkozi actually was able once again to sneak away from the G8 Conference Room so he could sleep around with the translator (so he doesn’t know about Northern Dictator taking over).

She then reveals that she is part of the Northern Dictator’s spies, but she has given up that idea because of his love making. Solkozi then gets up to do something, We then see Guilala start having a fit and just kicking things like a child in a bad mood.

Stupid Toy Car…..I Hate It

Northern Dictator then orders the missile to be ready to fire. He tells the other leaders that soon the world will bow before him. Suddenly, Solkozi in a towel shows up and removes his towel so all the ladies can see his penis.

Thankfully, We Do Not See It Or I Would Have Had To Use Some Black Boxing, Which I Don’t Like Doing.

It freaks the ladies out and that allows everyone else to get the jump on them. Solkozi had also called in more authorities to arrest everyone. However, Northern Dictator anticipated this and jerked his head so his glasses to the floor, which was the real trigger for the nuke so that missile is firing anyway.

Yes, Obvious Toy Missile

Back to the dancing and it seems it is working as a ball of light is rising from the shrine.

Now the dancing is all over the place.

Let's Do The Time Warp Again.....(RIP Tim Curry)

Just then, the military truck comes in and warns everyone to evacuate because a nuke has been launched and is heading for this area. We then find out from Dr. Sano that the nuke will destroy everything except Guilala as all it will do is cause Guilala to separate into a bunch of Guilalas.

The missile is approaching and it seems we are all doomed as Sumire in a truck is still screaming for Lord Take-Majin. Solkozi also prays and promises to stop fooling around if something saves us. But suddenly, the missile is stopped by a ball of light because….

Take-Majin Appears!!!!!

While the guy in the costume is Yuichi Okada, the voice of Take-Majin is someone well known to fans of Japanese media in Takeshi Kitano aka Beat Takeshi. While he has played legendary roles like Zatoichi in the 2003 film about the well known blind swordsman and was Kitano, the teacher who brings all the students to the game of death they have to face in Battle Royale (which has been ripped off more times than I can count), he is also a comedian and played the count of a cult game show beloved all over the world in Takeshi’s Castle.

Anytime You See A Show That Does A Japanese Game Show Parody, It’s A Takeshi’s Castle Parody (And Also The Show Was Dubbed To Comedic Effect By Spike TV For Most Extreme Elimination Challenge Of MXC)

And while I say the missile was stopped, that’s because it is going up Take-Majin’s ass.

Good News Is Take-Majin Doesn’t Get Destroyed By The Missile

So it is time for the two monsters to fight.

A Lot Of Take-Majin’s Movements Is Based On Beat Takeshi’s Parodies Of Daikumajin (A Kaiju Film) And Nadia Comechi, As Well As An Infamous Raid By Beat Takeshi And His Entourage On A Japanese Tabloid Magazine Called Friday For Aggressively Pursuing And Photographing His Female Companion.

Think Less A Celebrity Assault A Paparazzi Photographer And Instead Think A Celebrity Instead Going Attacking The Headquarters Of The National Enquirer Or For You British Folks, Attacking The Daily Star.

Guilala gets on Take-Majin early and does a snapmare takedown.

Guilala tries stomping Take-Majin, but Take-Majin just rolls out of the way several times. Guilala starts making Take-Majin dance like one of those old Looney Tunes bits by shooting fireballs at him, causing Take-Majin to dance.

Guilala then starts attacking with his tail.

Unfortunately as the old Gigan rule states, if you keep doing the same attack over and over again, you are eventually going to get caught and that is what happens as Take-Majin grabs the tail and starts doing a reverse Claudio Castagnoli Swing.

Yes, Of Course I Watch Pro Wrestling. Thanks For Asking.

Take-Majin throws Guilala into a mountain and then gets on top of him.

Guilala then slaps Take-Majin.

What Dolly Parton Probably Wanted To Do To Jolene (RIP Dolly Parton)

Take-Majin says “That does it” and starts grappling. By the way, the townsfolk, military, and the G8 are all cheering this fight.

Nothing Brings The World Together Like Watching A Good Old Giant Monster Battle

Guilala knocks Take-Majin down again and now starts demanding he kiss his feet.

Take-Majin gets up and throws Guilala down.

Take-Majin then does a military press throw on Guilala.

Take-Majin grabs rings from his suit that sometimes appear and sometimes disappear and throws one at Guilala.

Which Cuts Guilala’s Head Off.

Guilala then blows up after Take-Majin does his Neci-Coma dance.

Take-Majin Thought Guilala Was Made Of Sterner Stuff (RIP Peter Cullen)

Guilala has been finally vanquished and everyone celebrates.

Again, Why Do You Think Kaiju Movies Do So Well. It Appeals To Our Natural Urges To Watch Monsters That We Can’t Beat, Beat Each Other Until Hopefully The Good One Wins.

Take-Majin does a hands on his hips pose before disappearing back to his long ass nap.

Sumire and Senpai are happy as they got front row pictures of the battle since they were with Take-Majin before anyone else in the media was. Unfortunately for the G8, the Northern Dictator has also gotten away, but the G8 is happy about being in Japan and Abe returns.

With all the leaders back, Burger proposes they restart the summit, but both Putchin and Merkel want to actually go to some Japanese hot springs first.

Which They All Agree To. 

Solkozi sneezes and his towel falls off, which the rest of the world leaders laugh at. Back at the shrine, both Sumire and Senpai thank the statue of Take-Majin for saving the day.

And with that, the movie ends with credits of scenes from the movie and some behind the scenes footage of the cast and crew having fun.

The Only Time You Would Have Ever Seen Junichiro Koizumi And Kim Jong-Ill Having Fun, Except It’s Just Parodies Of Them

Also Guilala And Take-Majin Dancing And Shaking Hands Like They Are Friends

And Finally, The Two Monsters Posing With The Director

So the film was mostly liked for its satirical take, although plenty of people were disappointed in the use of stock footage in the film (although they shouldn’t be because I promise you, almost every Kaiju movie has used stock footage somewhere to cut costs). There was also some appearances by Guilala to promote the film like Minoru Kawasaki producing an episode of the Japanese series Den Ace which featured The X From Outer Space and in America, Guilala was used in a commercial from a staffing agency called Ladders, Inc.

Bet You Didn’t Know This Was To Promote This Film (Probably Because The Film Was Never Mentioned)

Unfortunately, since this film was 18 years ago, some cast are no longer with us. Haruo Mizuno (who was uncredited as himself) passed away in 2008 at the age of 76 from liver failure. Yosuke Natsuki (who was uncredited as a secretary named Narumi) left this mortal coil in 2018 at the age of 81. Matabe Watabee (who I don’t know who he played) died in 2022 at the age of 72 from sepsis (this was his only film).

And two of the world leaders parodied in this film have also passed away since then (all of them except for Vladimir Putin are no longer leaders of their countries). Shinzo Abe (who was parodied as himself) was actually brought back as Japanese Prime Minister in 2015 (he resigned in 2020 when health problems returned), but in 2023, he was assassinated in a shooting as he was trying to support a fellow party member for a House Of Councilors Election. Silvio Berlusconi (who was parodied as Pizzano Pietro) had to resign after a lot of stuff came out about him in 2011, but was starting to make a political comeback as he was elected back to parliament, but he died in 2023 due to complications from a severe form of chronic myelomonocytic leukemia.

I honestly enjoy this film as while the acting was only serviceable, the monster scenes were great and the parodies of kaiju films as well as politics were mostly funny (still collar pulling over that German gassing joke). I am glad that in some ways Guilala is more remembered in Japan than kaijus like Gappa. I’m also finally glad to be able to talk about Minoru Kawasaki and hope in the future I am able to talk more about his films and also hopefully, more of them get released on DVD in the US as well as dubbed (heck, I would love to help dub those films). So while this will be my longest induction ever, it won’t be a miserable long talk.

So now I am on my last Monster Crap induction choice for this summer and I saved a film I haven’t seen in decades yet remember so fondly from my days renting movies. This was one I actually found and rented when I lived in Tinton Falls, New Jersey. It’s a film of the 80s that is kind of meta as a producer tries to make a film that he could use as a tax write off and then never release. It is also a spoof of many 50s B movies and is narrated by a radio personality. If you are in my fantasy football league, you probably know what this movie is, but for the rest of you here it is.