Monster
Crap Inductee: Planet Of The Apes
The
Maniacs Behind This Damn Dirty Remake Really Blew It All Up
2001
In
1963, Peter Boulle (who wrote the book The Bridge Over The River Kwai, which
was made into a film that became an Academy Award powerhouse in 1957) wrote a
book that was also great known as Planet Of The Apes (or La Planete Des Singes
for the original French language since Peter was French). It was influenced
heavily by Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels and as far as I know, I wasn’t
as big a hit for him as The Bridge Over The River Kwai.
After
that, Peter’s literary agent Allain Bernheim (who wanted to get him to produce
a film about a book from Francoise Sagan) was in a room where an American
producer Arthur P. Jacobs (who was looking for properties to adapt into film
for his new company APJAC Productions) would explain his interests by saying “I
wish King Kong hadn’t been made so I could make it.” After having the Sagan
novel idea rejected, he remembered the Kong conversation and casually mentioned
Boulle’s book (thinking the producer would have no interest in that one) and to
his surprise, Jacobs was very much intrigued about this Planet Of The Apes idea
and he bought the rights to a film version of the book immediately.
Afterwards,
Jacobs spent years trying to get the film made and even originally had Rod
Serling do the original script (which was much more in line with what happened
in the book) and 20th Century Fox was interested, but they wanted
changes so it could be less expensive to make. To do this, they hired Michael
Wilson (who actually wrote the script to the movie version of The Bridge Over
The River Kwai) to punch it up. They also were able to get a huge actor in
Charlton Heston (who was in great films like The Ten Commandments, The Greatest
Show On Earth, Touch Of Evil, and how can I forget a massive film called
Ben-Hur), and with others like Rowdy McDowall, Kim Hunter, and James Whitmore,
as well as effects by John Chambers (who did an interesting film called The
List Of Adrian Messenger where you had to guess which actor was under which
makeup because they sure as hell weren’t going to tell you till the end of the
movie), the film was made in 1968 and you all know, the film became a massive
hit.
I Think
Most Of You Can Quote The Movie So I Don’t Even Really Need To
Planet
Of The Apes is actually kind of important to me because even before I saw the
movie, I knew the idea of it because when I was little, my Uncle Frank had a
whole set of toys about the franchise (because besides the first film, there
are 4 sequels to it) and I played with those toys.
The
franchise also had a TV series, a cartoon, comic books, and multiple parodies
like from Mad Magazine, The Fairly Oddparents, a Brazillian sketch show called
Planet Of The Men (where 3 apes from a highly evolved ape world come to the
world of man, And of course, how can I forget the Simpsons did an episode that
had a musical of Planet Of The Apes.
And
from 1980 till this movie in 2001, Fox so wanted a remake as this film. They
had people like Adam Rifkin, Oliver Stone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Phillip
Noyce, Chris Columbus, Peter Jackson, The Hughes Brothers, and James Cameron
all involved in development of the film, but they all bowed out for various
reasons. Enter Tim Burton (who at this time had a streak of films that are
beloved like Pee Wee’s Playhouse, Beetlejuice, Batman, Edward Scissorhands,
Batman Returns, Ed Wood, Mars Attacks, and Sleepy Hollow) and with that as well
as a really good cast like Mark Wahlberg (who dropped out of the Ocean’s Eleven
remake to do this movie), Tim Roth, Helena Bohnan Carter, Michael Clarke
Duncan, Paul Giamatti, Cary Hiryoki Tagawa, David Warner, and Kris
Kristofferson; music by Danny Elfman; and make-up effects by Rick Baker, you
bet your ass everyone was very excited about this remake.
Now
before I get into this film, I have to mention that we do once again have
Monster Crap alumni in this film. Mark Wahlberg of course was in The Happening.
David
Werner was in Wing Commander & Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret Of
The Ooze
Deep
Roy was in How The Grinch Stole Christmas, Mafia, and Alien From LA.
Shonda
Farr was Ashea in Jack Frost 2: Revenge Of The Killer Mutant Snowman
Dennis
Keiffer was an Ice Thug in Batman & Robin and in Mortal Kombat:
Annihilation,
He Was
Baraka
Martin
Klebba was actually in the last film I inducted.
Nils
Allen Stewart was a mercenary in Chupacabra Terror and Abobo in Double Dragon
Chris Ellis was General Anderson in the 1998 Godzilla; Kevin Grevioux was an in uncredited role as a reporter in 1998 Godzilla, credited as one of Harvey’s thugs in Batman Forever, and credited as a roadblock officer in Congo; John Alexander was a shopper in How The Grinch Stole Christmas; Jay Caputo was a gorilla in Congo; Phillip Tan was also a gorilla; Allie Habberstad was a truck passenger girl in The Happening; Rick Baker (besides doing the effects for The Incredible Melting Man and the film he acted in) was a puppeteer in How The Grinch Stole Christmas; Lorenzo Callender was a soldier in The Hulk; Mark Christopher Lawrence was a cop in Child’s Play 3; Spitfire Brown was an Ice thug in Batman & Robin; and Dana Schick was a pretty girl in The Happytime Murders.
And
with that all out of the way, let’s get to this induction and this will be a
long one.
We
begin with a montage of space, ruins, and random stuff as we get the opening
credits.
And The
Title
We then
go to a chimpanzee looking over a planet.
The
chimp starts freaking out as the ship is going to crash before Captain Leo
Davidson comes in to show this was all a simulation and tell the chimp named
Pericles that if this was real, the ape would be dead.
Leo
gives Pericles a treat to calm the ape down. We then see this is in the distant
future of 2029 and this is a space research station called the USS Oberon.
Considering
2029 Is Three Years From Now, I Don’t Think This Film Will Entirely Be
Accurate, although we’ll hopefully just be happy that Donald Dump and his corrupt administration will no longer be in office and will be facing a reckoning for their actions.
Leo
takes Pericles to the animal testing lab where other apes are getting looked at
or caged.
Like
Dunston Over Here
No….Seriously,
That Is The Orangutan That Played Dunston In The Box Office Bomb Known As
Dunston Checks In
Leo
talks with Lt. Col. Grace Alexander and we find out that Pericles has a chimp
mate who he got pregnant.
Leo
gets told he has a video postcard so he goes to his room to receive. It is just
a bunch of his friends having a house party hoping he returns soon.
There
is a power outage and we find out there is an electromagnetic storm approaching
the station. Both Leo and Grace approach the bridge where we also meet Commander
Karl Vasich.
The
crew (despite Leo’s objections) decide to send Pericles in a pod to investigate
this storm. Unfortunately as Pericles goes out to check, they lose
communication with the pod. Grace asks if they should send a pod to rescue
Pericles, but Karl is against it as it would just result in the loss of another
pod and a waste of money in his mind. But Leo sneaks off and decides to take a
pod to do so anyway.
When
told to come back, Leo says he is going to get his chimp back and also
remarking never to send a monkey to do a man’s job.
GODDAMMIT,
LEO…..IT IS AN APE, NOT A MONKEY!!!!! MONKEYS HAVE TAILS AND ARE NORMALLY
SMALLER!!!! DOES PERICLES HAVE A TAIL???!!!! I DON’T THINK SO!!!!!!
Leo
goes into the storm and finds the pod with Pericles in it…..just before it is
taken by the storm.
Leo
then tries to head back, but the storm takes him too.
Meanwhile,
the Oberon gets a mayday call from someone who obviously isn’t Leo, but they
think it’s Leo so they decide to go save Leo with the whole space station.
Back
with Leo, he is teleported to a planet where he crashes through trees and into
a lake.
With
quick thinking, Leo gets himself out of the pod before he drowns as the pod
sinks to the bottom. He also immediately takes his damn helmet off and is
extremely lucky that this planet has breathable air.
Which
Isn’t Even Brought Up Because Apparently This Film Thinks We Can Breathe In All
Planets, Even Though We Can’t.
Oh Well,
Plotho….
Shut
Up, Rob!!!! Man, I thought I was done with that joke, but this movie just
brings it back.
Leo
looks around and eventually sees people in cavemen gear running away.
Like
Kris Kristofferson Here And The Woman Who Is Just Here To Be Eye Candy For The
Audience.
They
run past him as do other humans and we see they are being chased by creatures
that look to him like apes.
This
Movie May Be Terrible, But Rick Baker’s Prosthetics Are Pretty Awesome
Most of
the humans get captured as Leo is knocked down and meets General Thade and
Colonel Attar.
The
Latter Of Whom Tells Leo “Take Your Stinking Hands Off Me, You Damn Dirty
Human!”
Yep,
definitely a play on Charlton Heston telling the apes in the original to “Take
Your Stinking Hands Off Me, You Damn Dirty Apes!” Leo is eventually captured
and put into a cage with the other humans and Thade seems to have a problem
with Leo immediately because he looked at him.
The
apes take the humans back to town and we see these evolved apes doing random
things like smoking narcotics,
Oh
Man….That’s Good Shit
Also,
Hi….Linda Harrison. She Played The Human Nova In The Original Planet Of The
Apes Film
An ape
playing an instrument with a human midget begging for money,
Hey
Grumpy From That Terrible Snow White Remake I Just Did In The Past Induction
Ape
kids playing basketball and throwing rocks at the prisoners as they pass by,
Those
ape kids of course getting scolded by a human rights ape, who we will learn is
Senator Sandar’s daughter Ari.
Ari Is
Called A Human Lover. Kind Of Like Racists Call Women Who Like Black Guys A
Certain Term That I Will Not Say. Didn’t Know Deep Roy Was A Speciesist.
We then
meet the person who sells humans as slaves in Limbo.
Paul
Giamatti Would Play The Same Type Of Slave Trader Years Later In 12 Years A
Slave
The
humans are separated between male and female while they are then put into
cages. We then meet Thade with his sister and niece as Thade promised he would
get his niece a human child as a pet for her birthday . The niece picks one and
Limbo has the human child given to her, with the warning to kill it once it hits
puberty as “the one thing you don’t want in your house is a human teenager”.
By The
Way, Thade’s Niece Here Is Also Deep Roy
Limbo
is also warned by Attar to look out for Leo as he is a “feisty one” (even
though he has shown no trait that he is feisty in anyway). Limbo gives the
niece a collar for the human child and Thade menacingly sniffs the slave trader
and says he reeks of human, which considering he is a human slave trader….you
should freaking assume he reeks of human unless he has an awesome fragrance
that puts on himself which in that case, he may want to ask Limbo where he
bought that fragrance.
It’s
Like Smelling A Manure Shoveler And Criticizing Him For Smelling Like Manure
While He Is In The Middle Of Shoveling Manure
We go
back to Ari who tells her friend that it is disgusting the way they treat
humans as it demeans us as much as it demeans the humans. Limbo then tells his
workers to get the humans branded so its known as to come from him. The human
female (that is the eye candy who we learn is named Daena) is the first one who
gets marked.
It is
here where Kriss Kristofferson (who in this film is named Karubi) screams no
and we get one of the biggest changes from this film. You see, in the original,
what made our main character special was that he could talk whereas the other
humans could not, which is why he could be seem as a threat. In this film, all
the humans can talk so the only reason Leo here becomes special is because he
looked at Thade and is considered feisty by Attar. So basically, this film has
told you because Leo is obviously the main character played by Mark Wahlberg,
he is the threat to these apes’ rule.
Another
female is about to be branded when Ari stops it. Limbo tells Ari that her
rebellious attitude is only tolerated because of who her father is. She throws
the branding iron to the side, which Leo picks up and tries to hold Ari
hostage. Meanwhile, Leo whispers to Ari to help him and we get Ari seemingly
smitten so she wants to buy Leo, Karubi, and Daena. Limbo talks about how
expensive it is, but Ari is seductively able to convince him that she will be
able to repay him.
To Be
Fair….Even In Ape Form, Plenty Of People Might Find Helena Bonham Carter
Attractive As Hell. That Might Include Director Tim Burton Who Left His
Girlfriend At That Time (Lisa Marie, Who We’ll See Later In This Film), To Date
Ms. Carter.
Tim
Burton Would Later Separate From Helena Bonham Carter So He Could Date Monica
Bellucci
We go
to Ari’s house and we meet two human servants and two more apes in Senator
Sandar and Krull.
Sandar
is not happy with two more humans in his house and Ari says that Leo seems
different than the others. A bell rings and Sandar says his guests are here as
yes, he is having a dinner party. Sandar says to keep the savage runts out of
site, especially from General Thade (who is a guest).
Other
guests include:
Senator
Nado And His Wife Nova (Nova Was Human In The Original Film), Along With Two
Other Dinner Guests Who Don’t Get Names
Oh And
Colonel Attar Accompanies General Thade
Meanwhile,
Leo steals a knife and wonders how these “monkeys” (he’s gonna say that a lot)
got like this and Daena asks how else would they be, which Leo says they would
be begging him for a treat. Daena asks which tribe he is from and Leo says he
is from the US Air Force, which he is going back to. He tries to escape, but
Krull blocks his path and makes him get a plate for the guests. We find out
that Thade’s father is dying and Attar makes everyone pray to Semos (their messiah)
before eating. We also have arguments between Thade and Ari on whether to exterminate
the humans or study them more. Leo comes in with fruits and Thade trips him. He
grabs Leo and opens his mouth, looking for a soul as Ari says they have one.
Having
Seen Primate Last Month, It Would Definitely Be A Shorter And More Hilarious
Movie If Thade Just Ripped Leo’s Jaw Off.
Ari
leaves, having lost her appetite. In her room, Ari starts her writing in her room…
With
Her Feet
Thade
then comes in and we find out that Thade has a crush on Ari, despite her
affection towards humans. He goes to leave when to ape soldiers come up to the
general as they have found something, which is basically the wrecked tress
caused by the pod that crashed in the lake.
Meanwhile,
Leo uses the knife he stole to pick the lock of their cell to free them.
It’s
That Easy
The two
servant humans warn them about a curfew for them and if humans are seen at
night, they are killed. Leo says if they stay, they are already dead so all
four humans try to escape. Daena wants her family free and Leo agrees to help
free them too.
Back
with Thade and the two soldier apes, Thade asks if they have told anyone else
about this discovery, which they have not. Thade then tells them to keep it
that way and before he leaves, turns around and kills them to make sure no one
else knows. Thade also thinks he knows Leo is probably the one human that may
have come from the sky.
Back
with Leo, Daena, and the other two humans, they sneak past some apes and are
immediately able to free the rest of her tribe, including her dad Karubi and
her little brother Birn.
The
group run past a bunch of drunk apes who freak out, but do nothing. We then get
a rather weird ass scene where Senator Nado and Nova make weird ape motions and
grunts as if they are about to have sex.
No
Words Can Really Explain The The Levels Of WTF In This Scene
Thankfully,
the humans run past them and they just scream in terror before we get any weird
ass ape sex.
Thank
God For Small Miracles. By The Way, The Two Apes Here Are Frequent Burton Actor
Glenn Shadix And Tim Burton’s Then Girlfriend At The Time Who He Would Dump
After This Film, Lisa Marie
They
also break into Thade’s niece’s room and free the human child she is keeping as
a pet.
By The
Way, Those Screams Are The Ones That Alert Everyone Of The Human Escape Attempt
Including
Limbo Here, Who Is Doing Something With Flowers.
They
also meet up with Ari and Krull, who decide to help the humans try to escape.
Attar
spots the humans and goes after them. Karubi decides to stay behind to cause a
distraction for the others as he tries to fight Attar with a torch. Thade then
comes from behind and kills Karubi.
Thade
says that when they find the humans, they should kill them all except for Leo
as he wants to deal with him personally. Attar then reveals that Ari is with
them and despite Attar saying she is helping them, Thade still says she had no
choice and he will report the situation with the Senate himself, which will
give him what he wants to get Ari back.
The
humans escape and Ari tries to console Daena about her father, but she wants
nothing to do with apes. The humans go into the forest and despite Krull’s
warnings about their still being time to go back, Ari stays with the humans,
which makes Krull stay with her. In the forest, Leo leads them to his crash
site and when Krull says that can’t be possible, Leo retorts that talking
monkeys can’t be possible. That causes Krull to want to kick Leo’s ass and
correct him.
Which
Leo Deserves Here
Ari
stops Krull from kicking Leo’s ass and when Leo is about to go into the water,
Ari freaks out. It is then we learn that apes hate the water and cannot swim. Daena’s
response is that fact is why the humans always pray for rain. Leo dives in and
finds some useful stuff from his crashed ship. Daena goes to help, but she
instead finds the bodies of the apes from Thade’s earlier killing.
They
both swim back and Leo reports about the dead bodies in the water. The things
Leo finds for use is a gun and a ship tracker.
With
the tracker, Leo finds a signal for what he believes to be help. They also run
into Limbo who tries to recapture them, but gets captured himself.
Yeah….A
Gun Does Make A Difference Here
After Limbo
is cuffed, Krull takes the gun and destroys it. We then see Thade meeting with
Senator Sandar to brief him on the situation. Sandar begs Thade to get his
daughter back and Thade uses this time to want the Senate to declare martial
law, which is done. Sandar leaves and Attar tells Thade that the humans are no
longer in the city. Thade says he will hunt the humans down himself, but
first….he has to go see his father, who demanded his son’s presence. Before
going, Thade tells Attar that he needs to alert the outposts to no let humans
pass.
In the
dessert with the runaways, Leo explains that apes are mostly gone in his world
and only are found in zoos (again, very horrible for the year 2029). Ari says
that is horrible and the only thing Leo can come back with is that humans in
his world do worse to their own kind. More conversation goes on, but the only
other memorable thing is Limbo completely not believing in the idea of apes
being in cages.
Thade
goes to meet his dying father named Zaius.
Played
By Charlton Heston, Who Was Uncredited For This Role.
Zaius
warns his son Thade that humans can be a threat as they will come looking for
Leo if not eliminated as he has a secret to tell his son that has only been
passed down from father to son through generations of this family as they are
actually descendants of Semos. He tells Thade that once the apes were the
slaves and the humans were the masters. Thade finds this hard to believe so
Zaius tells him to destroy a small statue he has.
Thade
does so and inside it is a gun, which Zaius says is how the humans controlled
the apes back then.
Zaius
warns that humans have the ingenuity to invent technology like this gun that is
more powerful than any spear. He says it is also matched by the cruelty of
humans so they must be destroyed before they destroy all the apes. Thade also
can’t allow this human to get to Calima (which is the sacred place that no one
is allowed to go to). Before dying, Zaius says one line that you might know
Charlton Heston said in the original Planet Of The Apes film, although a bit
different.
Zaius:
Damn Them. Damn
Them All To Hell.
A
moment of silence as we play a theme for Dr. Zaius from Dankmus
Back
with the humans, they find scarecrow looking creatures to discourage people
from going to the forbidden and sacred ruins of Calima.
Basically,
it is apparently where their creator breathed life into Semos (the first ape),
according to their holy writings. It is also where Semos will apparently
return. Ari of course doesn’t believe any of this stuff and just chalks it up
to explanations of the unknown that all civilization has via religion. Leo says
that is where his crew is so they are going to Calima. Unfortunately, they have
to stop as there is an ape outpost outside of Calima to stop people from going.
One of
the human escapees thinks they should go around the river to the mountains, but
Leo says there is no time and they’ll just have to find a way to go through
this outpost. At this outpost, we see an ape cheating at cards and he gets
caught because he wins too much. A fight is about to start, but Attar comes in
and puts a stop to it.
He
takes command of this outpost and says no one can pass through here and if they
see any humans, they are to be killed on site. That night, Leo gets ready to
steal horses and says the plan is to cross the river with these horses. Ari
does not like this idea, but Leo says she can hold on the horse as these horses
can cross the water without them needing to swim. Limbo also has to go with
them since he is still their prisoner and is uncuffed so he can ride a horse,
despite Limbo complaining that this is suicide. Leo uses a flare to distract
the apes and with them being unprepared, most of them just ride through the
outpost and into the river.
I Can’t
Believe How Stupid We Are, That This Freaking Works.
Most of
the humans and apes get through the river, but the horses carrying Leo and Ari
gets spooked so they get flung off before they can have a chance to get to the
water. Leo then carries Ari on his back so they can swim safely to the other
side and they other apes are stuck because as this film has shown, apes can’t
swim.
Man…..We
Really Suck
They
are about to cuff Limbo once again, but there is no need since the apes wanted
to kill him so he might as well be a traitor to them and in need of execution. Thade
arrives and gets the bad news that the humans escaped through the outpost and
past the river. Thade takes this news rather poorly.
Jumping
Around, Making Ape Grunts, And Destroying Things
As he
lands on his horse, he apologizes for his outburst as he reveals his father
just died so he wasn’t exactly in the best mood to hear this bad news. Thade
then has divisions formed and they are now made to march towards Calima after
the humans. Meanwhile, the humans rest for the night and we get Krull’s
backstory.
No….Krull
Is Not From That Planet In The Movie Called Krull
Instead,
he was a general of the ape armies before Thade ruined his career due to his
more peaceful nature with humans. He was then kicked out of the military
altogether and Ari took him in. Attar was Krull’s protégé, but because of the
whole usurping…they are now enemies and Krull does not like that. Ari says she
would like to see the human world, but Leo says they will probably poke her and
put her in a cage. Ari says Leo would protect her. Ari then reveals that the
other humans think that Leo is going to save them. Leo says he hasn’t promised
the other humans anything and is only interested in getting off this planet.
The
humans continue the journey the next day until they eventually arrive at the
ruins of Calima.
Leo
doesn’t understand what is going on and is concerned to see no people here. He
goes inside and finds a human skull.
Oh I
Wish Leo Would Recite Shakespearean Quotations Here, But No Luck
He then
finds out that Calima is actually just dust covering the whole sign saying…
He
eventually finds out that the ruins of Calima are actually the space station
Oberon from the beginning that crashed into this planet eons ago after being
taken by the electromagnetic storm and dropped into a deserted world. We then
find out through distress messages still here via archives that the crew of the
planet eventually get killed in an ape rebellion led by an ape named Semos.
That
Distress Signal The Oberon Got Was By The Oberon’s Itself In The Future….Which
Makes Very Little Sense
The
Last Distress Signal Is From An Older Grace.
Leo is
now despondent that his hopes of escaping this planet may be gone and he
believes they are screwed with the incoming Thade armies coming. However, the
story of him fighting the apes have caused other humans to join up here and
they want to have a final battle with the apes.
Leo
originally wants to send all the humans back as this is a folly idea, but they
are so committed that they have all left their homes to join him. Birn rides
out at night and sees the Thade armies coming so he warns the others of the
incoming final battle.
Leo
tries to warn the people to go away, but they won’t listen. Ari then decides
that she will barter a deal with Thade. She comes to Thade and his army to say
that if he stops this attempt at a massacre, she will become Thade’s mate.
Thade thinks about this idea, but he knows that Ari loves the humans. He brands
her with a branding iron and chases her away, telling her to go be with them,
saying she can die with her friends tomorrow.
Ari
goes back to Leo, who is still upset that he is responsible for all of this
terrible situation that is occurring. Leo then sees Ari’s hand with the
branding mark on it and she reveals that she tried to talk peace with Thade,
but Thade is too far past the stage of peaceful negotiations. Ari says she
can’t go home either so they are not so different. Leo says they are different
as she cares about everyone but herself, while he cares just about himself. Ari
says it doesn’t matter and in a message that is more stronger today than it was
back then, this universe seems to reward cruelty with power.
This Is
What You Have Done, Trump. You Have Made This Shitty Movie’s Message More
Stronger Today Than It Did Back In 2001. We Truly Are In The Worst Timeline
Where To Get Power, You Have To Be A Piece Of Shit. Fuck You And Fuck All Of
The People Who Allowed You This Power.
Leo
says that we need to fight back and decides to help the humans with the final
battle. He tells Daena that the people need to be behind the ship, but not
hidden so they can be seen by the ape army. Leo says that he and Daena will be
on horseback and will be bait to lead the army to the front of the ship. Birn
wants to be a part of the bait team, but Leo is against that idea as he says he
needs to stay with the others in case this does not work. As they all set out
in formation, Krull warns Leo that he probably wont be able to defeat the army,
but Leo says he may just be able to disorient and confuse them….which could
lead to victory.
The
final battle is here as Thade’s army arrives at Calima. Leo has most of the
humans behind the ship as he, Ari, and Krull are the only ones to meet with
Thade as his army gets there. Brin also wants to join them, but he is told to
stay back. Birn then decides to be part of the team meeting Thade too and when
the incoming army first wave charges, he nearly gets himself killed as they
run, but is saved by Leo. Leo has to run with Birn riding his horse and
thankfully for them, they get back to the ship as Leo reveals his first attack
of surprise by using the Oberon’s last bit of afterburners to burn the first
wave of apes.
That
causes a huge shock to Thade and the rest of his army as the humans kill the
rest of the first wave, but they still decide to go through with the attack. The
battle commences as humans and apes get killed. We then get a real one on one
battle as Krull faces off with Attar.
Real
Teacher Vs. Student Battle Here
It’s a
good, but short fight as Attar kills his mentor.
John
Coffey Wins……Fatality
We then
get the battle that really matters as Leo finally has a fight with Thade. Thade
is ultimately stronger and is about to kill Leo when something lands from the
sky.
It Is A
Pod From The Oberon
Attar
and others think that it is Semos returning to them as their religious texts
foretold, but it is actually Pericles who shows that he is friends with Leo.
Leo goes to explain the truth to these apes, but Pericles runs instead to the
Oberon with Leo giving chase. Seeing this as Leo chasing after Semos, Thade
attacks Leo. Ari jumps on Thade, but Thade eventually knocks her off. However,
this momentary distraction allows Leo to enter the ship. They fight in the ship
with Thade kicking all kinds of ass for most of it. But Pericles jumps on Thade
who throws the chimpanzee off of him and slaps him away. Leo gets a gun and
starts shooting, but Thade dodges the bullets. Thade knocks the gun away and
gets it himself. It looks like Thade has won, but he is in the cockpit area and
Leo uses the hand scan to trap Thade in there via a unbreakable glass door.
The
bullets ricochet across the cockpit. Thade then asks Attar for help, but Attar is
convinced by Leo that apes and humans lived in peace before Semos attacked, so
he will not help him. Thade tries to shoot Attar, but again…the glass door
reflects the bullets. Thade tries to appeal to Ari, but Ari just shows him the
brand he gave her.
Yeah….You
Kind Of Screwed Yourself There
Thade
tries one more time with the gun, but again….the bullets bounce off and this
time scares Thade enough that he has to hide under the desk, curled up in
terror.
Or It
Could Be Tim Roth Succumbing To The Trapped Nerves And Two Herniated Discs In
His Back That He Suffered When The Shooting Of This Movie Was Done Because
Yeah, That Costume Was Incredibly Restricting.
The
battle is over and thankfully, Pericles has survived. We also find out that
Limbo was also hiding in the cages too.
Kind Of
Embarrassing….
Outside,
we see Ari bury Krull.
Attar
says that the graves will be left unmarked so no one can tell between apes and
humans who passed away in this battle and will be mourned together. Leo tells
Ari to take good care of Pericles as Pericles will be staying behind so Leo can
go home. Leo also gets a kiss from Ari and Daena.
Meanwhile,
Limbo has found a new form of trade with the humans as he starts selling
aspirin.
Drug
Dealing In The Planet Of The Apes…..OF COURSE!!!!!
Leo
finally leaves and for several years, this is when I thought this film had
ended as when I watched this on HBO or Cinemax, I had something else to do. And
if this is where it ended, this would not be a disappointment, but not a piece
of crap.
But
Alas….That Is Not The Ending As I Found Out From Reviews Of The Film Years
Later.
Instead,
Leo goes through the electromagnetic storm and arrives at Earth, despite voices
telling him that he is an unknown flying object so he does not have permission
to land. He lands in DC on the pond in front of the Lincoln Memorial. Leo gets
out of the ship and goes to the place where the usual Abraham Lincoln statue
would be, but finds out quicky he has not landed on Earth as he remembers it.
It’s
Ape-raham Lincoln.
Actually,
if you read from behind, you find out it is actually Thade who somehow came to
Earth (So much "How!!???" is my reaction to that) and took Earth over. Authorities and news people come and we find out
that they are all apes.
And
That Is How The Movie Ends.
Now in
defense of Tim Burton, this ending of the modern (not blown up) world being
taken over by apes is more in line with how the ending of the book went and is
more faithful than the original film to that ending. However, you have already
changed way too much from the book and original film that the idea of you now
wanting to be faithful feels like a complete whiplash.
Of
course, this was also done in hopes of a potential sequel, even though Tim
Burton would not be back to return (as when asked about the idea of him
directing a sequel, he “rather jump out a window”). Mark Wahlberg and Helena
Bonham Carter would have only returned if Tim Burton (although Paul Giamatti
was all for a sequel, saying “I think it’s be great to have apes driving cars,
smoking cigars, wearing glasses, sitting in board rooms, stuff like that.”
Oh,
Please Never Change, Paul Giamatti. You Almost Make Me Actually Have Wanted To
See A Sequel To This Dreck.
Unfortunately
for everyone involved with this film, this film underperformed (despite making
three times its budget), and with enough negative reviews (Mark Wahlberg would
explain the film being as bad, was because Fox rushed the film out and did not
give Tim Burton enough time to make the film to be good) and the fact that they
weren’t getting certain people back, a sequel was just never going to happen. But
The Planet Of The Apes franchise would come back with Rise Of The Planet Of The
Apes, Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes, War Of The Planet Of The Apes, and
Kingdom Of The Planet Of The Apes.
But
that really didn’t hurt much of the cast in anyway as many went on to do other
better things. Tim Burton (the director) went on to do stuff like Big Fish, Corpse
Bride, Sweeney Todd, Frankenweenie (the full movie version), and Big Eyes (as
well as crap like the Charlie & The Chocolate Factory remake, the Alice
& Wonderland remake, and the Dumbo remake). Mark Wahlberg (who played Leo)
went on to do stuff like Rock Star, the Italian Job remake, I Heart Huckabees, The
Departed, The Fighter, Ted, Lone Survivor, and Deepwater Horizon. Helena Bonham
Carter (who played Ari) went on to do stuff like Big Fish, Corpse Bride, Harry
Potter films, and The Crown TV series. Tim Roth (who played Thade) went on to
do stuff like The Incredible Hulk (and a few other Marvel properties as it was
part of the MCU), Selma, and Hardcore Henry. Michael Clarke Duncan (who played
Attar) went on to be in stuff like The Scorpion King, Daredevil, Sin City, Talladega
Nights, and Kung Fu Panda. Paul Giamatti’s (who played Limbo) career really
exploded after this film with stuff like American Splender, Sideways, Shoot Em’
Up, Ernest & Celestine, 12 Years A Slave, The Little Prince, Straight Outta
Compton, and The Holdovers.
Sadly,
several people in this film have since passed away. Charlton Heston (who was
uncredited as Thade’s father, Zaius) died in 2008 at the age of 84 from
pneumonia and Alzheimer’s Disease. Glenn Shadix (who played Senator Nado)
passed away in 2010 at the age of 58 due to a head injury from a fall. Sam (who
was uncredited as the orangutan in the Oberon, who was also in Dunston Checks
In) left this mortal coil in 2010 at the age of 21 due to heart failure. Michael
Clarke Duncan (who played Attar) died in 2012 at the age of 54 from respiratory
failure. Todd Kimsey (who played someone at Leo’s party) left this mortal coil
in 2016 at the age of 54 from lymphoma. Marc Joseph (who was uncredited as a
Red Army Chimp) committed suicide at the age of 47. David Warner (who played
Senator Sandar) left this mortal coil in 2022 at the age of 80 from cancer.
Kriss Kristofferson (who played Karubi) died in 2024 at the age of 88. Cary-Hiroyuki
Tagawa (who played Krull) passed away a few months ago in 2025 at the age of 75
due to complications from a stroke.
Now for
my final thoughts. This movie is just not good and a terrible remake to Planet
Of The Apes. The script is sadly not good, the pacing is just not there, and
this movie did not need to be over two hours. I was one of those who could not
wait for this film to come out, but when it came out and saw the bad reviews, I
know they failed. Then seeing it the whole way through, it was worse than I
could have imagined. The sad fact that they had good effects and pretty decent
acting, which was overshadowed by all the mess….is just bad. This was a painful
re-visiting of this film and I hope to never see it again. As for the DVD, off
to the Goodwill for you.
Now…
So
How Was That Movie?
Pretty painful
to get through, but I survived and still like doing what I’m doing.
Well,
let’s see if you say that after the next film the fans and myself have picked.
It’s a unnecessary to a horror comedy classic that removes a lot of the comedy and
replaces the great practical effects of the original with CGI. I hope you enjoy
the crap that is….
Got Bad
News For You, This Will Probably Hurt Less Than The Planet Of The Apes Remake.
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