Monster
Crap Inductee: Birdemic 2: Resurrection
Should
Have Stayed In The Tar Pits
2013
The
Summer Of Bob Part 2 continues and you know it was coming as I knew it was
coming because once again, we have to go back to the world of terrible director
James Nguyen and his world of exploding birds wanting to attack random people. You
may remember that ten years ago, I had to induct the first Birdemic film
because you all wanted me to induct that film, which I am more than happy to
do. But let’s talk about that how this film was made.
You may
have heard of the first Birdemic film because many people have reviewed it as
it is a really awesomely bad film that so many people can just laugh at and
even Rifftrax has done a riff on it. Well, for so many bad films, this type of
press is good for people like myself who want to see this film themselves. And
because the film was made obviously so cheap, this movie made its money back so
for a director like James Nguyen, a sequel would be made. And because it wasn’t
that hard to make the first one, it was made in three years after the first
one.
Now you
may ask who is in this film and of course, it is mostly no one famous in it and
as far as Monster Crap alums in it, it is almost all actors from the first film
who survived the attack that are back like Alan Bagh, Whitney Moore, Colton
Osborne, Rick Camp, Patty Van Ettinger, Stephen Gustavson, Eric Swartz, Steve
McMoy, and Damien Carter (who also gives us a new song for this film). The
reason this took a 3 year window is because for some reason, Nguyen wanted to
shoot this film in 3D and that 3D version does not exist so it was a wasted
effort that only took longer to make the movie. Also Global Warming also
returns and with that out of the way, let’s get to the induction.
We
begin this film in Hollywood and if you remember the long ass driving scene to
open up our first film so the credits could all appear, this film have
something better for you because instead of pointless driving, we have our main
character Bill just walking aimlessly through Los Angeles as the credits
appear.
And
this guy walking around town goes on for basically 5 minutes until he arrives
to his destination.
Sir,
You Will Not Be Getting That Kind Of Happy Ending.
Inside
he meets a waitress/hostess named Gloria who takes him to his table.
He
thinks he knows her and reveals that she is an aspiring actress. It just so
happens that Bill is a filmmaker hoping to eventually make his next film Sunset
Dreams a huge hit after this last film In The Sand flopped because producers
changed the film too much. He says that with looks like what hers, he is sure
Gloria will make it big one day. He wants Gloria to audition for the lead role
in his film and she says he will consider it. But Bill is not only here to hang
around, he is here to meet a friend of his and his girlfriend. Those people of
course are now successful Silicon Valley businessman Rod and Nathalie, who you
might remember as our leads from the first film.
Anyway,
they talk about the whole Hollywood system and how because producers meddle in
bigger films way too much and directors don’t get final cut, films get ruined
and he is now considered a non-viable director by Hollywood. Bill talks about
how some of Hollywood’s greatest films were produced independently and Vertigo,
Citizen Kane, and Psycho (two of which were done by Hitchcock). He’s wants
final cut on his new film Sunset Dreams and thinks it will be great as it is
like Sunset Boulevard and A Star Is Born, except his film will be made from the
indie perspective and not the Hollywood perspective. When asked how much money
Bill will need, he says a million dollars, which is a lot according to Rod.
However, Bill says it is actually a low budget according to Hollywood
standards.
Rod
then reveals that he will finance Sunset Dreams, but with one condition: that
Nathalie (she is looking to be more of an actress than a model) and his adopted
son Tony in the film. Bill is absolutely alright with this idea and even thinks
Nathalie should audition for the lead (the same thing he said to Gloria
earlier), which she accepts. Rod then writes Bill a check for $100,000 dollars to
set him up for the script and he will get the remaining $900,000 with other
investors that he will get him a meeting with.
I
should add that this movie made Bill even more wooden than Rod was.
Yeah,
He Was Like This For Longer Than Was Needed
We see
on TV a news report that it is apparently raining, but a bunch of birds were
found dead in Arkansas and Kentucky. And also their was red rain in Half Moon
Bay, California (which was the first film except so complete inconsistencies
abound here).
Yeah,
Reporters Normally Sit Behind Their Desks If They Have One Which This Green
Screen Says This It Has.
Bill
goes for another walk and runs into Gloria again who failed another audition
and is considering going home. Bill thinks this is a mistake and tells her to
stay until she auditions for his film and if she doesn’t get the part there, he
will give her $1,000 to help her go home. She accepts this deal.
Bill
Has The Face That Says He Would Be A Harvey Weinstein Type In Real Life
We then
see Bill and Rod with investors making the pitch for the movie, which you may
remember as two business men from the first film.
They
Were Rod’s Former Boss And The Guy Rod Was Able To Get Some Green Energy
Investment With
One of
the investors wants topless chicks and sex scenes in the film and Bill says it
will not be that type of film. The other investor wants fight scenes as well as
blood and guts and Bill says that will not work either. After a few more
moments of negotiations, the two investors say that Sunset Dreams is a good
story, but it is a risky investment. However, the investors believe Bill has
paid his dues so they will give him $1 million, which with Rod’s check is over
what he would need for the movie so the film is getting made so everyone is
happy.
I Swear
Thomas Favalaro (The Actor Playing Bill) Might Have A Good Shot At Playing A
Psychopath Here
It is
time for the auditions and the lead comes down to Nathalie and Gloria, with
Gloria ultimately getting the part which is great for her so she doesn’t have
to go home and great for Bill as he doesn’t have to pony up $1,000. He tells
Gloria the good news over the phone.
So they
meet up for lunch at Pho Citi. Bill talks about his first film being a film
called Replica and he found a perfect actress for it, but for budget reasons,
it was released. The reason I bring this up is 4 years after this film was
released…
James
Nguyen Would Release A Movie He Shot In 2005 Called Replica.
She
asks him what she could ever do to help her out with her movie career and he
says a lot, and the first thing they do is have travel to the beach boardwalk.
Oh And
Plenty Of People’s Heads Were Blurred Out As This Was Guerilla Filmmaking And
These People Were Definitely Not Paid As Extras.
While
hanging on the beach, they run into Rod and Nathalie. Nathalie said she and Rod
are going to the La Brea Tar Pits and invite Bill and Gloria to come, which
they accept. Meanwhile, a lady is in the water as obvious by her legs and she
gets attacked by a jellyfish.
There
Is That Terrible CGI We Know From James Nguyen
They
try to make it like a Jaws attack, but it looks bad. Anyway, the woman comes
out of the water needing help for her jellyfish stings.
Thankfully,
Rod, Bill, And Gloria Are In The Area As Nathalie Went Off To Do Something
Else.
The
woman says it was a Giant Jumbo Jellyfish (which is not a real Jellyfish and
the only Jellyfish that could be slightly associated with that name is way
bigger than what we saw on scene).
Yeah,
That Is Not Even Close To The Jellyfish That Stung Her
They
call an ambulance for the woman and you can somehow hear the 911 operator even
though the phone isn’t on speaker (as if the woman playing the operator was
just off camera and that phone wasn’t even on). Nathalie comes back after all
of this and wonders what is going on, which they explain immediately what
happened.
CGI
Ambulance Because Nguyen Couldn’t Get A Real One (Even One That Was Just
Decommissioned And On Auction)
We then
go to the La Brea Tarpits as our four characters look around. Oh and they are
joined by Rod’s adopted son Tony.
While
looking at the ancient birds section, Tony reveals that he wishes Susan (Tony’s
sister from the first movie) could be here, but she got sick and died from that
fish that Rod cooked.
While
also walking around the museum area, they also meet Dr. Jones from the first
film.
He
reveals that he is here because he will be speaking at a conference about
prehistoric birds. He speaks some known facts like most dinosaurs have more in
common with birds and that the birds of prehistoric time are a lot bigger than
the birds that exist today. He also mentioned that these birds attacked cavemen
back in the day, which gives us a cut of birds killing a couple while they were
trying to have sex while clothed.
Dr.
Jones also says that plenty of eagles and vultures fell into the tar pit and
died. He also mentions that La Brea means “the tar”, which is actually correct.
Dr. Jones then leaves and we will never see him again in this movie and we also
never see Tony after this. Rod, Bill, Nathalie, and Gloria then go to the Santa
Catalina Island and hang out there. Bill then adds some new facts that this is
where Norma Jean lived with her Navy husband before she became Marilyn Monroe. Gloria
then mentions that Natalie Wood also died here in some terrible accident.
Well,
She Died In The Ocean Near Catalina Island, But That Is A Minor Thing As It Is
Kind Of More Important That While The Cause Of Death In Official History Is
Death, There Is Plenty Of Conspiracy Theorists Who Believe She Was Killed.
Bill
then says that plenty of the cast of Rebel Without A Cause died young (only the
3 main actors and one very supporting character died young as the rest lived
long lives) and that for some actors, dying young is the price you pay for
stardom The two women hope they don’t
die young if they become famous and Nathalie says that she is happy Gloria got
the lead in Sunset Dreams. After that beach scene, it is finally time for them
to go to a environmentally friendly bar and restaurant where they meet
Nathalie’s mother.
Nathalie
reveals that she is in Sunset Dreams, which her mom is very happy about. The
mom also wants a role in the movie, which Bill is more than happy to give. The
mom wants to know when her daughter and Rod are going to be married as they
have been together for “a long time”. Nathalie says she should ask Rod that
question and Rod nervously says when the right time comes.
Then
the dance number comes in and it is our old pal Damian Carter from the first
film singing his newer song “Star Bright”
Which
Is Not As Good As “Just Hanging Out”, But Not Much Songs Are That Memorable For
A Terrible Movie
Then we
go to Bill and Gloria having about to have sex which is a bit better than love
making scene than Rod and Nathalie from the first film.
You
Might Be Shocked To Learn That This Film Was Released Before All The Harvey
Weinstein Stuff Made This Shit Super Creepy…..And Yet You Would Still Find Bill
A Creepy Guy
In
fact, I am writing the line for line scene of what they say before they make
love.
Gloria:
Bill, do you like
what you see?
Bill:
I sure do.
Gloria:
Do you want to see
more?
Bill:
Sure.
Also, I
think Bill may be from Louisiana or French Canada and you might ask how I know
that? Well, I don’t but I have a strong hunch.
By the
way, no nudity here so sorry Beavis and Butthead.
Don’t
Worry, You Two. There Will Be Something For You Later.
After
that love making scene, we suddenly get CGI red rain.
Rain So
CGIed That No One In The Background Seems To Care That It Is Red Rain
Also
the museum exhibits start making noise. Then a caveman and woman come out of
the tar pits.
Yep….The
Same Ones From Earlier So Not Only Did Those Birds Kill Them, Those Feathered
Assholes Then Dragged Their Bodies Into The Tar Pits To Cover Up Their Crime.
Probably
One Of Steelbeak’s Ancestors
And
after the bodies of the cavepeople show up, the birds rise from the tar pits
and fly.
FREEDOM!!!!!!
And how
do most people think about this crazy development.
They
Don’t Think Much Of It
Meanwhile
on the set of Sunset Dreams, Gloria and Nathalie are doing a scene together
while being filmed when suddenly the birds start attacking.
WHO LET
THE BIRDS IN!!!!! SQUAWK…SQUAWK SQUAWK SQUAWK!!!!
Nathalie’s
first words are for people to get a hanger although other people have other
props to hold the birds off. Everyone except Bill, Rod, Gloria, and Nathalie
die.
And
These Other Two Randos (The Asian Guy Is Named Will and The White Guy Is Named
Dustin)
The
birds then attack a slasher movie set where we get our boobs so Beavis and
Butthead can shut up.
Can’t
Believe I Have To Use The Blackboxes For Birdemic 2
By the
way, almost all of them die via the birds and the last one dies because Rod is
a terrible shot and killed her along with the last bird.
Dammit
Rod…
Oh and
if you think these birds won’t explode, you don’t know what movie you are in
because these birds can explode as well.
Oh and
they try to pretend this is the set of Jaws with Jaws props that were somewhere.
Like
This One
And
some of them think kicking and punching the birds may work.
And
this time, if the birds bleed on you, you might die like this lady did.
The
birds then stop attacking and again, everyone but the main characters and two
other guys are dead. They find more dead bodies…
Even If
You Can Tell Some Of Them Are Still Breathing
Bill
says he saw on the news that birds were falling out of the sky in Arkansas and
said something similar happened in Half Moon Bay, which is news to Rod and
Nathalie because that is not what happened. He also says the rain in Half Moon
Bay turned red as well…..which never happened. Will then wants to change the
subject and just says Jaws is one of his favorite movies. When the others ask
why this matters right now, Will says this feels like a movie and after this is
all over, he will make a movie like Jaws that will be about birds attacking. Gloria
thinks it is a great idea and both she and Nathalie want to be in this movie. They
then basically talk about how great of an idea this is and I won’t say anymore
because this really feels like a verbal BJ to the director James Nguyen for
this film.
They
find another survivor on the Western Set that is called Western Set.
A
Terribly CGIed Sign
On this
set, they actually find a female survivor named Jessica who was holing up
inside an old cabin.
She
wonders why the birds are attacking and Nathalie thinks it is global warming. She
also explains that they were attacked a few years ago in a town called Half
Moon Bay and surprisingly no one puts two and two together than they were
witnesses to the bird incident there. Will asks her to join them and Jessica
agrees. While walking in the woods, they find the tree hugger that Rod and
Nathalie met in the first film, and he now has a wife.
The
tree hugger explains how he and his wife met while escaping the forest fire,
that they have a reality TV show called the “No-Emitting Family”, and then
explains that the killer birds don’t bother them because they aren’t a threat
to the environment. Yep….apparently these birds will only kill people who they
view as not environmentally friendly and somehow they can tell the difference.
Yeah,
That Makes No Sense
Our
survivors then find an RV that may be very useful in a time like this.
RVs:
The Vehicle For The Apocalypse
They
see people who are dead in a car and take their guns since they won’t be
needing them.
Robbing
From Dead People: A Survival Tool During The Apocalypse
They
then go to a movie theater and see if they can save any people.
They
Decide Not To Save Them And Leave. Our Heroes????
Bill
says he knows a shortcut through a cemetery and while normally that would be a
good idea, this is a horror movie so the red rain just so happens to show up
and resurrect dead people.
Our
survivors think the zombies are regular people until they get closer to them
and have to fight them off.
Unfortunately,
Jessica ends up getting killed by one of the zombies.
They
get back on the RV and Rod makes it a point to say “no more shortcuts”…..and
we’ll never see the zombies again so they were completely pointless. Our
dumbasses decide to go into a zoo where they meet the zookeeper, who tells him
the birds don’t attack him because he takes care of the animals while also
talking about the terrors of global warming.
Basically,
This Guy Is Saying “Live A Greener Lifestyle Or The Birds Will Attack”.
And our
idiots leave, the birds decide to attack. It is at this time that Dustin is
killed.
As the
RV leaves, you notice that the camera shooting this scene is in a car with a
spare tire attached to the back.
Freaking
Amateur Hour
Rod
yells at Bill that he is doing the driving and Bill’s response is that it
wasn’t the animals that killed Dustin, it was those birds (last I checked,
birds were animals). Anyway, they stop again because they see the caveman and
cavewoman and try to help them.
This is
of course a bad idea as the cavepeople decide that our morons are bad and
attack.
Gloria
and Nathalie come and save the day and help them escape. Our dummies, after
getting away from the cavepeople, zombies, and birds, then just so happen to
run out of gas so they are going to have to walk on foot to a hotel in hopes
that the freaking hotel has some gas. Of course that doesn’t work so they go to
a Pepsi machine to get some soda and this movie is so stupid that out of this
Pepsi Machine, comes Coca-Cola.
You
Really Have To Try To Be This Inept
The
birds then attack.
Eagle:
These Assholes Are
Drinking Coke Near A Pepsi Machine.
Vulture:
KILL THEM!!!!!
Will is
ultimately the one who dies in this battle, leaving us once again with Bill,
Rod, Gloria, and Nathalie and in his last movements, he falls into the pool
The imbeciles
mourn his death as the birds leave.
And
That Is How This Movie Ends.
So
there really isn’t much aftermath other than this didn’t stop James Nguyen
again from making awful movies as he would continue with Replica and two years
ago, would release Birdemic 3: Sea Eagles and as of this writing is planning
Birdemic 4: Garden Of Paradise. Alan Bagh (who played Rod) was cast as
“Nutcracker Biker” in three episodes of The Book Of Boba Fett and is the only
returning guy out of the four in Birdemic 3. Whitney Moore (who played
Nathalie) would be in three episodes of Young Justice as the voice of Courtney
Whitmore aka Stargirl. Also, nobody has died since this movie has come out.
My
thoughts on this movie is it is about the same quality as the first Birdemic
movie and sadly for it, the “so bad it is good” surprise of the first one is
gone here. The effects have not gotten better (although they actually have some
practical effects here). This supposed love story between Bill and Gloria
definitely feels like it would be different if the #MeToo Movement had happened
earlier, which makes it really creepy when watching Bill acting a bit too odd.
And just like the first movie, the birds just leave for no reason and the movie
again feels anticlimactic. I mean it took me 10 years to do Birdemic 2 after
doing the first one so I guess it will take 10 years to do Birdemic 3 and by
that time, who knows how many Birdemic films we will have.
Anyway,
we are almost done with the Summer Of Bob Part 2 and we have one last movie to
do. In this last movie, we will return to the world of Freddy Krueger and I
will be breaking a rule as I will be skipping the next terrible entry in Part 5
because we are doing….
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