Monster
Crap Inductee: Mafia!
Leave
The Parody, Take The Cannoli.
1998
To
some of you younger folks out there, I’m sure that with me inducting 4
Seltzer/Friedberg comedy debacles (don’t worry…at some point, I’ll get back to them),
you might not believe there was such a thing as a good parody film. However, in
the 80s and early 90s, there were several great to fantastic parody films that
are still talked about today. And of course the maestro of that genre was one
Mel Brooks.
We
Will Not Be Talking About Mel Brooks
Second
down in that genre (not counting National Lampoon since they did just comedies
mostly that didn’t parody one exact type of films) is a little team of Jeff and
David Zucker and Jim Abrahams, otherwise known as ZAZ. They worked together on
a great film like Airplane and then a lesser known film called Top Secret.
It’s
Actually An Underrated Film That I Rarely Hear Talk About, But Is Pretty Good.
After
Ruthless People, the three would separate and do their own things with David
Zucker doing the Naked Gun films and BASEketball
Sure
Matt Stone And Trey Parker Starred In The Film, But David Zucker Did The
Directing
Jeff
Zucker would actually go a different route and direct the Oscar winning film
Ghost.
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Yep…The
Same Guy Who Helped Do Airplane And Top Secret, Directed Ghost And The Well
Known Scene Involving Pottery
Jim
Abrahams would mostly stay in the parody genre as he did both Hot Shots and the
more known than the original Hot Shots: Part Deux
No,
I Have No Idea Why Hot Shots Part Deux Is More Well Known That The First Film.
None At All (Sarcasm)
Also
gave us this great line.
War,
It’s Fantastic (RIP Miguel Ferrer)
But
by around the late 1990s, parody films went sour like Dracula: Dead and Loving
It, Spy Hard, and Wrongfully Accused. That did not though stop Jim Abrahams and
trying his luck with this week’s induction: Mafia! (also known as Jane Austen’s
Mafia (don’t ask me why it was called that))
Now
for the cast, we would get Jay Mohr to lead. Jay Mohr was on SNL for two years
and also did films like Jerry Maguire, Picture Perfect, Suicide Kings, and
Paulie.
Yep…He
Was The Voice Of The Parrot
They
would get Christina Applegate, who had just ended a ten year run of Married
With Children as Kelly Bundy.
I
Wasn’t One Of Them, But I’m Sure Several People Had A Crush On Her. I On The
Other Hand Had Other Crushes.
Hello…
This
film also got Olympia Dukakis (who won an Academy Award with Moonstruck) and
Lloyd Bridges, an actor who had a notable career with being in the Coast Guard,
getting to rise to be a leading man before being blacklisted for a bit by the
House of Unamerican Activities committee, then being unblacklisted, then being
out of the blacklist, then having a hit show called Sea Hunt, then another hit
show in The Lloyd Bridges Show, then being in The Loner, having the short lived
show Joe Forrester, before returning to prominence in spoof films like Airplane
and Hot Shots Part Deux.
Jesus
Christ, Lloyd…..That Is A Career That Many Should Marvel At
In
fact, those two films are how he freaking knows Jim Abrahams and why he has
this role. We also have Pamela Gidley, who was the girl who was searched for in
the whole movie and her name is the damn title.
But
of course as always you have people who have been previously in inducted films
on this show. Billy Burke you may know as the dad who is just here because this
pays well in New Moon and Eclipse.
Frank Birney was the barber in C.H.U.D. II: Bud The Chud and Reverend Fisher in Critters 2: The Main Course.
Frank
Welker does vocal effects in this film and of course has been in so many
Monster Crap inductions like Godzilla (1998), Anaconda, Super Mario Bros.,
Munchies, How The Grinch Stole Christmas and The Cat In The Hat. As an
uncredited person in this and that film, Paul McMichael was in The Adventures
of Rocky & Bullwinkle (as a Wossamatta U. Student) and Moonwalker (as
Biff). Deep Roy (yes, that’s the name he is credited with) was in How The
Grinch Stole Christmas (as a Postal Store Clerk).
And
with all that finally out of the way, it is time to get to the unfunny movie.
We
begin with narration from Jay Mohr’s character named Anthony “Tony” Cortino
talking about how you can drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of the
enigma that is life.
You
also may be seeing him enter a car and of course that car explodes.
Oh
Well….Very Short Movie. I Don’t Know Why Gus Wanted Me To Review Thi…..Of
Course That Is Not The End.
Instead
we go to the opening title card.
And
all through the credits, Tony Cortino is doing stuff as he is falling.
I’m
Not Sure That’s How Explosions Work, Movie
Oh
And Somehow He Made A Basket.
And
Flying Like A Plane While Making Farting Noises
And
Being A Cheerleader
And
Missing An Obviously Fake Cow
How
About Catching A Frisbee
If
you haven’t gotten the problem of this movie where they just go too long with a
freaking joke, don’t worry…they will do it a lot more till you get that point.
We then go back to a few minutes before the explosion as Tony is going to a The
Pepper Mill casino he that he owns.
The
casino is welcoming of compulsive gamblers.
Nowadays,
You Will Have To Have A Little Sidenote That Gives A Phone Number To A Place
Where You Can Fix Your Gambling Addiction, But Back Then, They Were More Than
Happy To Have You Around.
We
then get to see some of the casino games played like Roulette, Poker,
Go
Fish
Candy
Land
Guess
The Number
Chutes
And Ladders
Slot
Machines That Basically Say You Are Going To Lose
And
this casino vacuums your money where people catch the money with nets.
Seems
There Should Be A More Practical Way Of Doing This
The
narration says that the smart ones just sent them money by mail.
Basically
they have bulldozers and dump trucks that grab the money to put somewhere.
Oh
And One Of Those Trucks Is Labeled Democratic National Committee. Probably
True….Of Both Parties.
We
then go back to Italy where we meet Tony’s father Vincenzo when he was a little
boy in a town with a Hollywood style sign…
That
Says Salmonella
But
Of Course It Is Sicily In 1901
Vincenzo
makes a habit of not looking where he is going as he runs and bumps into
people, causing them to have accidents.
Oh
And Petting A Donkey While Saying “Nice Ass”
Oh
and for it being 1901, they sure do have modern vacuums.
Vincenzo’s
dad Luigi is a mailman and has to deliver an important package to a mob boss.
But the mother Sophia says today is the festival where the olives turn black
and that he should let Vincenzo deliver the package. He agrees and Vincenzo
delivers the package (first running into a wall). He goes to the address and
the sign says that there are guard sheep.
He
enters the house and meets the mob boss.
Vincenzo
sees the mafia boss and his lovely lady dancing to music and go inside. He
decides to play with the record player.
He
gets caught by the guard sheep.
With
Terrible 90s CGI Mouths
The
mafia boss named Ruffo calls the guard sheep off and gets the package Vincenzo
was sent to deliver. Unfortunately Vincenzo trips and the contents of the
package come out.
Which
The Guard Sheep Get High Off Of
Ruffo
decides that the kid must die since he has seen too much and a chase ensues
with more guard sheep joining in the chase since the main two got high and say
it was great shit.
So
That’s What Vince Meant When He Said “Great Shit”
While
trying to shoot the boy, Ruffo loses his thumb as it got caught in the gun.
Sir…I
Think Your Thumb Will Be Fine If You Just Stop Hiding It
The
thumb comes out as a bullet misses and sticks to the wall.
The
Kid Takes The Thumb And Runs Off
Ruffo
then shoots again, missing the kid and killing a tree.
So
it is time for the olive festival where the olives turn black with nuns doing
tricks and a bishop on stilts. Vincenzo finds his parents and we get an Alex
Trebek cameo.
Remember
This Is Still 1901 Apparently And Alex Trebek Was Born In 1940 So He Wasn’t
Even A Sperm In His Father Yet
The
olives turn black via jump cut.
Everyone
celebrates and we even have Spaghetti on a Stick.
Don’t
Deny It, You Would Eat It Too.
Ruffo
and his crony are looking for Vincenzo and stop by Taco Bella.
Of
Course They Did…
There
is even a Dunk Judas game.
Ruffo
finds Vincenzo and Luigi at the Dunk Judas game and goes to shoot Vicenzo, but
misses and hits Luigi.
Mama
Mia….
Sophia
thinks Luigi just dropped and thinks he is drunk again, saying she should have
married a Mormon (those did not exist in Italy in 1901 and in fact, still
probably don’t exist in Italy). Someone takes Vincenzo away for hiding as Ruffo
grabs the mom and the dad’s head gets run over and stepped on. Sophia tells
Vincenzo to grab the ring from her finger and because he had to pull her finger
to get it off, a fart happens.
The
fellow villagers hid Vincenzo up a donkey’s ass.
Yep….An
Ass’ Ass If You Will
They
get by Ruffo because who the hell would think to look up a donkey’s asshole.
Vincenzo gets out of the donkey, takes a shower, and misses the boat so he has
to swim all the way to America.
To
Ellis Island The Following Spring Of Course (Let’s Forget About The Whole Point
Of Him Being Able To Swim This Far And Not Once Getting Attacked By A Shark Or
Something).
Oh
Yeah…Forgot To Mention Discount ET Is On The Boat To America
While
in the Registration Office (with a joke about “The White Zone Is White People
Only” just in case you forgot this movie is from one of the guys who did
Airplane), he almost has the name of Armani Windbreaker before he tells him
that it is Cordino so Armani Cordino or Cordino Windbreaker is never mentioned
again. While in another line to get a photo and reading about how to learn
English with an Italian accent, a young Dominick Clamato runs up to Vincenzo
and tells him to hide this gun while he runs from a cop looking for him.
Vincenzo
does so and there is no issue. Vincenzo also meets a young girl named Rosa.
They strike up a conversation and there seems to be a hint of chemistry between
the two.
Oh
Yeah, Rosa’s Family Have Mustaches And Extremely Hairy Armpits. Be Worried,
Vincenzo…Unless You Are Into That, Then No Judgement Whatsoever.
Vincenzo
is finally in America and goes to give young Clamato his gun back. He also sees
Rosa getting accosted by a young street thug who wants her money. They come
there and Clamato tells him to use the gun, but Vincenzo says he will use his
brain. He confronts the thug and gives him a question.
Vincenzo:
A
rooster goes on top of a roof and lays an egg, which side does the egg fall
down?
This
question completely stumps the thug who isn’t smart and the answer of course is
none because roosters don’t lay eggs. It’s actually pretty brilliant if you
think about it because most people would immediately assume the question isn’t
a question where the right answer is there is no answer. So you say that, most
people would forget that it is a damn rooster that can’t lay eggs and think
more towards which side of the house the egg would land on. Anyway, the boy has
his mind blown (not literally this time) and falls on his knees, feeling
completely stupid.
I
Know In Real Life, That Boy Would Have Stabbed Vincenzo For Being A Smartass,
But Let’s Let This One Go.
Vincenzo
gives the boy back his knife and tells him to “stay in school”.
I’m
Okay With That Fourth Wall Breaking
Clamato
thinks Vincenzo is smart and they may be seeing more of each other. Vincenzo
and Rosa look out into the sunset, making us realize that these two would marry
when they are older.
Also
we get jokes that Rosa’s father got drunk after there being no more boils to
lance and died at a Grateful Dead concert (again, Grateful Dead didn’t exist in
1901). Oh and a falling star comes by and Vincenzo makes a wish.
For
Bigger Boobs Of Course.
We
then go to the 1970s (before Tony got blown up) and we meet a elderly Vincenzo,
who is of course head of the mafia.
Vincenzo
is still as klutzy as he was when he was a kid as he runs into a lamp, falls
down and closes a box with the cat’s tail in it and falls over his chair. He of
course is dealing with a matter of someone wanting justice for someone fucking
up his daughter’s teeth as so.
Vincenzo
then gets his head stuck in the blinds.
This
Guy Is The Head Of A Mafia Family….And I Am The Goddamn Pope
We
then get a joke about him not knowing which ear is the bad one which goes on
too long. Vincenzo says he will give the man justice and the man kisses his
ring which makes a stupid sound for no reason whatsoever. A cab arrives as we
meet Tony (who just got out of the army) and his girlfriend Diane Steen.
We
learn that Diane is one of those types that is all about peace, but still
stayed with Tony even after he went to war as part of the army. Clamato greets
Tony and Tony gives him the gift of a real North Korean.
For
The Rest Of This Movie, If You See Clamato, That North Korean Guy Will Always
Be Nearby.
We
then meet Cesar Marzoni, who Diane knows is a criminal, but Tony says he
probably works with his dad, which concerns her.
He
then says he isn’t like his dad, like she isn’t like her dad because if they
were them, what they did last night would only be legal in Arkansas. They meet
with fellow members of the family like..
Frankie
Totino (Guy On The Left)
Fatso
Paulie Orsatti
Jimmy
Big Features
Nick
“The Eskimo” Molinaro, Who Runs Their Operations Up North
Willy
“The King Of Big Screen TV” Denunzio
Al
“The Mailbox” Boducci
Johnny
Luvs
And
Charlie “Big Red Baboon On His Head “ Petrelli (And No, I Will Not Show The
Baboon’s Disgusting Balls As Charlie Turms Around)
Anyway,
Vincenzo’s next meeting is with Gorgoni.
Hey,
It’s Big Pussy From The Sopranos
Gorgoni
is a drug guy and he wants Vincenzo to share his influence with judges and
politicians. We also see Joey Cortino, who is a dumbass and tries to be
intimidating yet no one cares for him.
Vincenzo
ultimately turns Gorgoni down because in his opinion drugs don’t taste good so
why would anyone want to take them. Gorgoni says he hopes he doesn’t live to
regret this move. Outside the party, Vincenzo meets with Tony and Diane.
Vincenzo even squeezes Tony’s cheeks.
Joey
shows more of why he is a psychopath before being stopped by Frankie. Marzoni
introduces himself to Vincenzo and shows off his companion for the day, Pepper
Gianini.
This
is of course Joey’s marriage to some Italian girl (that’s what he said) and
Vincenzo does a speech for the newly married couple. After his speech that
makes no sense, Vincenzo gets to dance with the bride, which is not how that
works as I went to my cousin’s wedding recently. It is at this time that a
giant fake priest shows up.
He
walks over and unveils what is under him and it is a midget with a gun, who
shoots Vincenzo 47 times.
Of
course everyone thinks Vincenzo is just dancing (which goes on way too fucking
long) until Joey sees the midget and the giant. Joey shoots the two
That’s
How They Land
Vincenzo
starts to fall over so Tony screams and grabs a pillow.
Jumping
On People’s Heads
Running
Past Florence Griffith Joyner Who Shouldnt Be Here Since It Is The 60s.
Drinking
Powerade From People He Passed By
And
Sliding The Pillow Under Vincenzo’s Head So It Doesn’t Hit The Ground
All
of that was way too long and we go to Vincenzo recovering. One guy watching the
place has a long arm so he could be a gate.
Oh
yeah, and Vincenzo’s IV was giving him Ragu Sauce.
Should
Have Had Prego Or Some Real Marinara Sauce
Diane
complains about no doctors and nurses to help him and Tony explains that
Vincenzo belongs to a HMO.
He’s
Also Having A Dog Dream
They
also get a message that Oyster Jimmy sleeps with the fishes via a carp.
No
Idea Who That Is
Vincenzo
can think of only one man who is out to get him and he is a man with one thumb
as Vincenzo still has the other thumb.
Surprised
That Thumb Hasn’t Rotted
He
then brings Sophia, who somehow is still alive.
More
pulling of fingers and farting commences before Vincenzo gives Sophia back her
ring. The family then eats together and talk about business, despite Rosa
wanting them not to do so and several time hitting people with a wooden spoon.
Tony finally offers to kill Gorgoni and says it is just business.
Now
in the movie this is parodying The Godfather, Michael Corleone has no desire
initially to get revenge for the attempted murder of his father Vito. It really
isn’t until a police chief who obviously works for Sollozzo beats up Micheal
that Michael decides to take the meeting with Sollozzo and the police chief
where he is going to kill them. They try to talk him out of it because this is
serious business and not revenge, it is there that Michael explains that
killing them in retaliation for his father’s attempted murder is just business.
This makes Michael a sympathetic part of this whole mafia because the mafia
shit pulled him right in though he never planned to be a part of it.
Here
Tony just wants to be in the Mafia despite telling Diane earlier he is nothing
like his father. Tony Cortino is not as sympathetic as Michael Corleone because
of this and Diane rightfully leaves his ass after he tells her that world peace
is just a pipe dream. So it’s basically they taped a gun above the toilet in
one of those flush tanks when Tony enters, he initially has no gun. But he
excuses himself to the bathroom to get the gun and comes back out to shoot the
bad guys. Basic stuff for a Godfather film, but with this being a
parody….certain things change. First, cartoony sound effects and a coughing for
a physical happen during the search by Gorgoni’s pal. Second, Tony goes to the
bathroom, but goes to the wrong stall so when he tries to find a gun, it is a
gun for Lyle Menendez.
Yep….They Did A Joke About The Menendez Brothers Murdering Their Parents Because The
Greedy Shits Wanted More Money
Tony
then gets toilet water sprayed on him because again, this is the wrong stall
and he is still searching for the gun. Again, way too long of a joke.
He
comes out of the stall and realizes it is the next stall that another guy was
using. He comes out and meets the guy who may be wondering why he is drenched.
Tony has only one response to this.
Tony:
El
Nino…
I
sadly have to explain this joke. In 1997-1998, there was a really bad El Nino
event (a warming of sea temperatures) that killed 16% of the world’s reef
systems, caused a severe Rift Valley Fever outbreak in Kenya and Somalia with
its extreme rainfall, a terrible drought in Indonesia, and in California,
record rainfall during the water season. Because of this, El Nino was a very
much used word in the news around 1997-1998. The reason I have to explain this
joke is because this is a joke that ages terribly to the point of younger
people who were not around not getting it and others forgetting this happened.
After
the guy leaves, Tony gets the gun and has to blow dry himself so he gets
extreme blow drying.
No,
I Don’t Know Why There Is A Lou Ferrigno Head Shot Here
Tony
comes out all dry and shoots Gorgoni and his croney.
Gorgoni
Hears The Ocean Before Dying And The Croney Has One More Bite Of Spaghetti
Before Dying
After
the croney falls, the table flings the forks into the waiter and we get this
line as Tony walks out of the restaurant.
Tony
then goes to his past where he was a tiny cripple kid selling flowers…
How
The Fuck Is Tony As Young As He Is If He Was A Kid During This Year?
But
first, here is Vincenzo Cortino in 1933 as he is working in the Olive Oil
business.
One
Day, My Brother Will Be A Disciple Of Jigsaw
And
we meet Clamato around this time who is into Duck Fights.
We
also meet Don Narducci aka The Black Hand who protects the people at a price.
Basically,
he is one of those mafia protection racketeers. As Vincenzo works putting drops
of olives into olive oil, we meet young Tony.
Who
Is Kind Of Like Tiny Tim.
Vincenzo
takes his pay (half a penny) and heads home with Tiny Anthony (seriously,
that’s what he calls him) so they can eat dinner with Rosa and Joey since it is
Joey’s birthday. Oh and Rosa had to sell the hook for his jacket. Vincenzo
gives Joey a gift of a rat that Vincenzo thinks is a puppy.
Oh
and for dinner, they are eating a boot.
Anthony
wonders if someday he will run and play like all the other children and
Vincenzo guarantees that he will. That is when Don Narducci comes into their
house. He takes the money that they have been saving up for Anthony’s operation
and then tells Vincenzo that next time, he better have more. He then crushes
Anthony with the door.
Don’t
Worry…..Anthony Lives Through This
Then
we go forward in time to after Anthony killed Gorgino and he is now in Vegas
working as a singer and then a magician.
A
Magician Who Gets His Assistants Killed
Like
So
Then
he gets a message from Don Marzoni who wants him to work for him running the
Pepper Mill Casino. And we get more games like Craps.
Literally
Craps…
Oh
and Joey is brought in to handle security. We then see the game of You
Absolutely Can’t Win.
Which
Is Just Handing Money And The Dealer Saying You Lose.
Oh
and they had an ATM machine.
One
That Takes Your Money, Of Course
Another
game at this casino is 52 Pick Up.
Yep…The
Most Asshole Card Game Imaginable
Oh
and Anthony gets into a romance with Pepper Gianini
Who
Literally Swings Into The Bar
She
reveals that she learned how to dance from Juliard and that she wanted to be a
research chemist, but her legs were too long. My only guess is that she is
bullshitting as none of that makes any damn sense. She also reveals that she
was with Marzoni at the attempted murder of Vincenzo. Oh and there is a slot
machine so you can walk across the street in Vegas.
The
two make out at the pool that is like the damn opening scene in Jaws.
Except
Anthony Is Like The Freaking Shark
Sadly
no death here and while looking over the casino, Anthony, Marzoni, and Joey all
look at the tattoo on Pepper’s leg.
Unfortunately,
Joey has gone hard on the nose candy.
Joey
is even less help when dealing with cheaters as he cattle prodded everyone but
the cheater.
To
turn things around, the Pepper Mill recycled the food
They
also watered down the booze.
Oh
and they took the water out of the pool.
Then
things got worse when Vincenzo came to visit.
Yeah,
Great Cake….NOT!!!!
Vincenzo
reveals the 5 families and the joke is one of the families is the Jeffersons,
who moved on up from the East Side to get themselves a piece of the pie.
He
then reveals that his younger son Anthony will be his successor, while Joey
just gets Wisconsin.
Yeah,
Joey Isnt Happy About This.
Pepper
than talks to Joey and tells him that him being passed over is an insult, if
she asks him. Pepper offers to help Joey be the don and tongues his ears.
Eww….
Later
Anthony walks in on the two sleeping with each other.
Anthony
is upset and they part ways on bad terms. Then we go to the car explosion and
we see this bit.
Then
the car explodes again.
We
see Pepper on the phone saying that “It’s Done”.
Then
we see Vincenzo at a tomato orchid with a grandson that we never
heard about before named Chucky.
Vincenzo
puts a piece of watermelon in his mouth and pretends he is a monster.
They
have fun playing chase as Chucky is chasing Vincenzo with a disinfectant.
We
find out the disinfectant is not as innocent as in the Godfather with Vito.
Because of this, Vincenzo
dies. Yes,
in this version, the grandson (named Chucky for obvious reasons) was the hitman
who killed the old don.
Then
the funeral occurs and for some reason, Anthony was at a hospital that catered
to English Patients.
Why
They Decided To Make A Joke About The 1997 Academy Award Winner For Best
Picture Is Anyone’s Guess
Oh
and they also dump people out of caskets in this graveyard.
Guess
Somebody Wanted To Save Money On Caskets.
So
we get to see how burnt up Anthony was from the car bomb.
I’d
Say Pretty Badly Burnt Up
By
the way, we have some jokes of the Dons who are at this funeral like Don
Quixote.
And
Don Cornelius
I’m
Not Going To Talk About The Rape Allegations That Were Recently Unearthed About
Mr. Cornelius Because This Would Be A Longer Induction And It Is Long Enough As
Is.
We
also got to see a man pay Chucky for Vincenzo’s death.
And
He Has No Thumb
It’s
Don Marzoni…Who Is Maybe Signor Ruffo From The Beginning, But They Never Truly Say
It And That Makes Even Less Sense Since That Would Make Don Marzoni Like 20
Years Older Than Vincenzo And That Is Just Dumb.
Then
there is a really long ass puking scene with everyone puking at the grave after
seeing Anthony’s burnt body eat an apple.
It’s
Really Bad So I’ll Save You The Trouble By Showing One Part Of The Puking Scene
Well,
Okay…I’ll Show Another Because How Often Do You See A Horse Projectile Vomit
As
he is seeing all of this, Anthony goes back to his childhood. He gives a flower to a girl named Jenny (Of course that’s her name considering what is coming) and we see that Don Narducci is coming with goons who arre up to no good and starting to make trouble in the neighborhood.
Hey,
Back In 2006 When I Had A Term At The Connecticut School Of Broadcasting (The
DC Campus In Crystal City That Is No Longer There), If There Was A Time Where
We Were Bored Or Upset By Something, One Of The Ways We Would Get Back In A
Better Mood Was Just Reciting The Rap Opening Of Fresh Prince Of Bel Air….It
Was Cool.
Anthony
throws water at Narducci and runs as Jenny tells him to “Run, Florist, Run”.
I
Wish I Was Kidding…
Of
course, to continue ripping off Forest Gump, Anthony breaks the braces off his
legs and starts running like normal, meaning he is no longer Tiny Anthony.
He
runs to his dad Vincenzo who does his math question to Narducci.
Vincenzo:
Train
A leaves Seattle at 40 mph. Train B leaves Houston at 50 mph. Which train
arrives at Sea World first?
Of
course, Joey gives away that since it is 1938, there wont be a Sea World for
another 30 years so that wont work on Narducci. Vincenzo thinks fast and beats
up Narducci with some flowers. We get a fight where Narducci has a knife and
Vincenzo has the stem end of the flowers.
This
is a parody so of course Vincenzo wins by stabbing Narducci with the flowers.
Those
Are Some Strong Flowers
The
goons pledge their loyalty to Vincenzo and that is how he became head of the
mafia. Anthony realizes as an adult he needs to put things right and one of
those things is finding his old girlfriend Dianne, which shouldn’t be too hard
as she is now President of the United States and is now just about to sign into
a world treaty that will guarantee peace for all time.
Anthony
shows up, having completely recovered from his burns except for one band aid
Which
If You Ask Any Third Degree Burn Victim Where The Burns Are Visual, They Would
Say That Is Complete Bullshit
She
wonders what he is doing here and he says he wants to marry her. He also
reveals he has a son named Dianne after his mother and reveals her to be the
mother.
Besides
Being A Reverse Of A Scene Of Forrest Gump, This Is Also An Impossibility As
Dianne Would Know That She Was A Mother And No About The Damn Kid.
Anyway,
Dianne is happy and plays football with her son, who loved football since
Michael Irvin stopped doing the nose candy. She puts the “Peace For All Time”
treaty on the temporary halt as she goes to get married to Anthony.
Gambling
Action Slated In Albany, That Kind Of Already Existed For A Long Time With
Horse Racing And Off-Track Betting Since Saratoga Springs Is Nearby. Yes, I’ve
Been To The Albany Many Times As That Were Where Most Of My Family Lives.
Oh
And Nice Of The Cathedral To Be Our Lady Of Linguini
But
this may have been part of Anthony’s plan as he tells Joey that he knows Joey
betrayed him and tells him he is handling family business, but wont kill Joey
since Joey is his brother, but never wants to see him again.
And
He Is Being Sent To Fargo
So
as the wedding is happening, Anthony is having several people killed by members
of the mafia. Chucky is killed via dinosaurs.
Ah
Yes, The Whole Reason Why This Film Is Being Inducted Into Monster Crap. Gus
Specifically Mentioned This When Choosing This Film Since I Used The Aliens In
Spice World To Induct That Movie.
Marzoni
is killed via a decapitating kick to the head by Fatso, who knocks out and
impersonates a Michael Flatley impersonator.
Pepper
Gianini is killed by Sofia, who does a suicide explosive fart
The
marriage is done
And
Instead Of Flower Petals Or Rice Thrown, Spaghetti Is Thrown Instead. What A
Waste Of Good Pasta.
Diane
finds out about all of the Cortino enemies being killed and confronts Anthony
about it.
Yeah,
I Know Full Gambling Isn’t Legal In New York And All That Exists Are State-Run
Lotteries, Horse Racing Betting, 7 Casinos, And Certain Games Where The Money
Goes To Donations To Certain Organizations. But I Have Most Of My Family In
Albany So You Have To Have Issues With That Headline.
Diane
demands to know if it is true and Anthony says it is not true, which is good
enough for Dianne.
Despite
The Newspaper Headline And The Check Anthony Was Making Out To The Bullet Store
As
the mafia meets with Anthony, we see boy Dianne close the doors.
But
that is not the end of the movie as we saw Molinaro get on a bus with a spear
and go someplace. That place being an apartment where Barney The Dinosaur is
watching porn.
Molinaro
kills Barney with his spear.
The
movie really ends with Molinaro dancing to “We Are Family” after killing
Barney.
Before
the credits, the movie is dedicated to Lloyd Bridges (who played old Vincenzo
Cortino), who passed away of natural causes a few months before this movie
premiered in 1998 so yes, this was sadly Lloyd Bridges’ last movie.
Just
In Case You Are Wondering Why His Death Is Not Mentioned In The Section That
Talks About People Who Since Passed Away After This Movie.
So
with this being the last film of Mr. Abrahams for many years until 2020, you
might be want to know that this movie did make back its budget in theaters. Despite
debuting 8th in the box office (which should normally be considered
a bomb), it made $19 million in the US alone on a $10 million budget. It made
$11 million more when it hit video tape or DVD so it sits right now at $30
million dollars which is three times its budget.
The
critics were not so kind to this movie as it has a 14% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Unfortunately, the big movie in 1998 was There’s Something About Mary, which
this movie was for some reason compared to and they all extremely loved There’s
Something About Mary. Many also ultimately found the film to be a weak parody and
enjoyed the earlier films of Jim Abrahams.
Jay
Mohr (who played Anthony Cortino) had biggest success with movies like Go
(1999) and Jerry McGuire (which came out the same year as Mafia!), but never
really got to higher gear in comedies and was in an even bigger box office bomb
in The Adventures Of Pluto Nash.
It
Will Not Be A Good Day If I Ever Get That Piece Of Trash
Billy
Burke (who played Joey Cortino) was later well known for being Bella’s dad in
the Twilight films. Christina Applegate (who played Diane) faired a lot better
as she got films like Anchorman (1 & 2) and plenty of other films that
Mafia! is merely just a footnote in her career. Also you could say the same for
Vincent Pastore (who played Gorgino) who found success in The Sopranos and
would become a go to guy for mafia films. Carol Ann Susi (who played Clamato’s
wife) actually got big although you’ll know her for her voice as she played
Howard Wolowitz’s mom in The Big Bang Theory. Jason Davis (who played Geno)
also may be well known for his voice as he was Mikey in the cartoon Recess.
But
of course, this movie has people who sadly passed away besides Lloyd Bridges
(who we already mentioned). Vera Lockwood (who played old Rosa Cortino) left
this mortal coil in 2000 at the age of 83. Jason Viterelli (who played Clamato)
left this mortal coil in 2004 at the age from a hemorrhage in his stomach,
which happened after heart surgery. Andreas Katsulas (who played Narducci)
passed away in 2006 at the age of 59 from lung cancer. Mark Goldstein (who
played a clerk) left this mortal coil in 2008 at the age of 56. Carol Ann Susi
(who played Clamato’s wife) died in 2014 at the age of 62 from cancer. Pamela
Gidley (who played Pepper Gianini) died in 2018 at the age of 52 and the cause
of death has never been made public. Jason Davis (who played Geno) died in 2020
at the age of 35 in an accidental death caused by the effects of fentanyl. Olympia
Dukakis (who played Sophia Cortino) passed away in 2021 at the age of 89
following a long illness. Gregory Sierra (who played Bonifacio) passed away in
2021 at the age of 83 from stomach and liver cancer. Frank Birney (who played
the priest at Anthony and Diane’s wedding) died in 2021 at the age of 83 from
ALS aka Lou Gehrig’s Disease (sadly didn’t have an RIP for the guy as I just
found out the priest from Critters 2 died).
This
movie was really unlucky with cameos as they have all since passed away.
Florence Griffith Joyner (who was the runner Anthony passed by why getting a
pillow for his father’s head) died a month after this movie came out in 1998 at
the age of 38 in her sleep, which was revealed to be caused by a seizure and
they found out she had a cavernous hemangioma that caused the seizure. Isabel
Sanford (who played Louise Jefferson) died in 2004 at the age of 86 from
cardiopulmonary arrest and heart disease. Don Cornelius died in 2012 at the age
of 75 as he was suffering from the earlier stages of dementia that would lead
to Alzheimer’s Disease so he decided he wouldn’t go out that way and instead
put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. Sherman Helmsley (who played
George Jefferson) passed away in 2012 at the age of 74 as while he was dealing
with lung cancer, he also got superior vena cava syndrome (sadly there was also
a lot of BS that happened after he died that I do not want to get into). Alex
Trebek (who also played himself) was the last to pass as he suffered from years
of pancreatic cancer and it sadly killed him in 2020 at the age of 80.
Now
for my final thoughts about this film. It is basically as bad as the critics
would have you believe, but not as bad as the Seltzer/Friedberg movies. While
there are moments that give you a bit of a chuckle, they are few and far
between and more of the jokes are ones that go on way too long, past the point
of even being funny. The cast is I think trying their best with the parts they
are given, but there was plenty of miscasting and it showed. It is sad to see
such a career brought down by this stinker, but sadly in comedy….people sadly
end their careers with stinkers. This film will thankfully be forgotten.
Well,
now that Gus’ inductions are done with. I….oh no, I know who is coming ba…
Hey,
Shit For Brains….
Dammit
all to hell!!!
What
the hell are you going to do about it?
Nothing…
Yeah,
of course not! I heard you were injured from falling down the stairs and I just
came here to do this. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
I fractured my humerus, you jackass.
Hahahahahahaha!!!!
You definitely are not hum…
It’s
an actual bone in my upper arm!!!
You’re
serious??
Yes!!!!
Well
let me laugh even louder. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
Oh,
fuck you too.
You
and what arm? Oh look….I made another funny. Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!
*Sigh*
Get on with that other shit you normally do.
Oh
yeah…..that. Well, your next induction is an ode to the late Clu Gulager
although he is only in one story of this film as you are dealing with a pretty
dreary horror anthology film. There will be no happiness as you induct….
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