Monster Crap Inductee: Sharkenstein (2016)

Monster Crap Inductee: Sharkenstein
This Doesn’t Even Deserve A Playmate, Let Alone A Bride

2016

Well, Gus….you definitely saved your worst movie for last as Monster Crap finally enters the terrible world that is the movies directed by the Polonia Brothers. The Polonia Brothers are well known for some of the cheapest made horror movies you may ever see. Twin brothers Mark and John made movies for the extremely cheap. With films like Splatter Farm, The House That Screamed series of films, Peter Rottentail, Splatter Beach, the Jurassic Shark series of films, and the Camp Blood series of films. But of course, if you are ever a fan of Rifftrax, you may know them for two films that have been riffed in Feeders and Feeders 2: Slay Bell.

Oh, You Think The Aliens Look Bad Here? Wait Till You See The Sequel.

Oh Yeah, This Is The Type Of Cheapness We Are Dealing With

There isn’t much info on the cast before this movie, but you may notice that this film only has Mark Polonia and that is for sad reasons. You see in 2008, John Polonia would suffer a heart aneurysm that sadly killed him at the age of 39. Mark Polonia then continued the studio that he and his brother created with the help of a longtime collaborator and childhood friend Matt Satterly, until 2009 when Matt Satterly would also die at the age of 40. Thankfully, Mark has another longtime collaborator Brett Piper who he has been working with ever since.

You Have An Even Sicker Sense Of Humor Than I Do.

So without any further ado, let’s get into Sharkenstein.

We start off the movie with some words.

Then we go to black and white footage as a sub rises from the water with it being Germany in the Winter of 1942.

The Still Pictures Of The Sub And The Background With Only The Bit Of Movement From Water Elsewhere Is Just The Beginning.

I Think We Can Also Ask How A Big As Submarine Got Into This Lake Which Most Subs Obviously Can’t Fit In.

At a nearby building, we find out this mad scientist has the brain and the heart of the Frankenstein Monster which he is doing experiments on, before the freaking Nazis invade his lab.

The scientist and his assistant are killed.

The Nazis take the heart and brain and plant to do something with them as the submarine descends and heads across the Atlantic to America. They hand over the case with the brain and heart to someone on the seaplane and then the opening credits start.

And Our Title Sequence

Of course now we are in the present in Katzman Cove.

I’m Sure A Reference To B-Movie Producer Of The 50s Sam Katzman. He Produced The Giant Claw.

On the docks, we meet our hero in Duke Larson.

Apparently, there have been some missing boaters and all they have found so far are life vests. We go into the water and finally meet our Sharkenstein.

What A Terrible Looking Creature

We also see that the heart and brain aren’t even in the damn creature.

Guys….I’m Not Sure If You Know How This Works

We get a look at the lab and then we see Sharkenstein eat a woman who was walking on the beach

Then we meet our main three people who are on vacation in Skip, Madge, and Cooper.

Madge gets on Cooper for using his cellphone because vacation should not equal technology, which as someone who has been on vacation, I can say that is a lie. The two guys are razzing Madge and I am already feeling like I am not going to give a shit about any of these three. Skip is of course an idiot, Madge is going to be the annoying one on anything, and Cooper is the guy too much into technology. They also know about the missing people and Skip says this bad news shouldn’t stop them from having a good time.

They pass by a fisherman, who goes out fishing.

And He Gets Eaten By Sharkenstein Too

Duke goes out his usual boat patrolling of the area and we sloppily transition to him to the beach where he has found the bodies of several sharks with another fisherman

Not That We’ll See It With How Cheap This Movie Is.

One of the sharks is a Great White so they are really concerned with what is killing the sharks. Duke Lawson talks about everything that is going on and the only thing missing is a mad scientist.

And Here Is Our Mad Scientist In A House That Would Even Be Rejected By Paper Mario

This is Klaus and of course, he is a Nazi controlling the Sharkenstein. He tells Sharkenstein to return and he tells the heart and brain that very soon, all their secret work will pay off.  Madge, Cooper, and Skip park their car and arrive to meet a boat captain who will be taking them out on the water.

Hello, Mr. Director.

Cooper thinks about asking to drive the speedboat, but Skip tells him not to ask and when he looks at the boat captain, the captain shakes his head. Madge talks about staring into the blackness of the water and wondering if something was down there. They razz her about that with jokes of the Loch Ness Monster, Flipper, and Son Of Godzilla.

Don’t You Dare Bring This Evil Upon Us!!!!

Then we get a montage of the three relaxing.

Dammit…Put Your Shirt Back On, Cooper

Forget Cooper! Put Your Damn Shirt On, Skip!

Everyone then goes swimming in the water and then gets out of the water to eat snacks. Duke Lawson sails by and warns them about the waters, telling the captain to take his three guests home.

Meanwhile, Klaus is feeding Sharkenstein with chum and tells it that there is one more test the monster needs to do before they are ready to commence their plan, which is that the range of the communicator must be pushed to the limit. Klaus releases Sharkenstein back to open water and has him go 50 Kilometers.

Back at the docks, Duke has the torn legs of that fisherman put in a bag and sent to the morgue. Another fisherman says it looks like shark bites on the body and Duke says no sharks have been seen this season (hiding the whole thing about the shark bodies showing up on shore). Duke sends out divers to kill the creature that has been killing people.

Yep….We Didn’t Have Enough Money For Divers To Go Off A Boat So They Just Go Off The Beach.

The divers go into the reef area of this cove and the divers start getting picked off one by one.

In Some Of The Cheapest, Complete What The Fuck Ways Possible.

Klaus then has Sharkenstein go ten kilometers north and kill anything it sees.

Like This Random Woman

Klaus then tells Sharkenstein to come home and once again, kill anything in its path. It bumps into the boat with Madge, Cooper, and Skip and of course, their boat doesn’t work anymore. While the captain fixes the boat, the three decide to swim towards an island so their trip isn’t totally ruined. Sharkenstein just brushes up against Madge and Madge is concerned. The three get to the island and decide to follow the shoreline to see if they can get any help. While they are on the island, the captain gets nearly killed by Sharkenstein.

Yeah, The Boat Captain Just Moved Out Of The Way

Meanwhile, the three go past a No Trespassing sign. They find and go to the house that looks like Sanford & Son.

Fred Sanford Wouldn’t Be Caught Dead In A House Like That, Ya Big Dummy.

In fact, I think I can hear Fred Sanford just hearing them think this shit was like his place.

Oh No….This Is The Big One. You Hear That, Elizabeth? I’m Coming To Join You.

And because the house looks abandoned, they decide that they should check it out. But back at the beach, Duke keeps finding more body parts.

Oh You Guys, Thing Just Drank All The Kool-Aid And Is Passed Out

Duke also gets told that apparently, the boat captain is still out there because he is not in the log books that he returned. Duke decides he is going to go out and look for them.

Back at the crappy house, Madge, Cooper, and Skip find Sharkenstein and Klaus, who has a gun on them.

Klaus asks what they are doing here and they reveal that they just were people who had their boat stuck and only the boat captain is aware of the fact that they are here. Klaus thinks this could be fortuitous for all parties involved as he may need a few extra hands with his experiment and if they do this correctly, he will set them free. Klaus reveals the shark is made of a combination of Great White, Blue, Hammerhead, and Mako. You know, I’m sure you wanted all the most dangerous sharks, but I believe you are definitely missing two.

Tiger Shark And Bull Shark

Klaus basically revealed his whole plan for the Nazis to rise again with their new killer creatures. And yes, Madge says the creature is basically Sharkenstein. He reveals that once this works, they will move with human transplants of underground Nazis who want to transplant themselves into these living weapons. And yes, Madge has to go to another film They Saved Hitler’s Brain.

Yeah, Another Movie I May Have To Induct One Day

Basically, they are going to have to put the Frankenstein Monster’s heart and brain into Sharkenstein. A storm is brewing and that makes Klaus very happy and then we get a montage of them helping Klaus with Sharkenstein. Oh and Duke is still looking for them in this rain.

Rain That Surprisingly Gets Nothing Wet At All.

Back in the lab, Klaus is happy with Sharkenstein being still able to work despite the brain and heart transplant although it is gonna take some getting used to since this may be a new thing for Frankenstein’s Monster to be in a shark. Klaus thinks the shark will listen to him as it has in the past and has the three hostages locked up again while he decides what to do next.

Now that the storm is gone…

With No Damage To Duke’s Hair….Me Thinks That Rain Might Have Been Fake

Klaus talks to Sharkenstein via a microphone and commands it to kill the boat captain, which Sharkenstein does by blowing up the boat.

I’ve Seen Some Fake Explosions Doing These Inductions, But Dear God….This Is A New Level Of Fake.

Klaus is upset that it blew the boat up as it is attracting unwanted attention. Klaus then grabs a cattle prod and electrocutes the shark with it, but only for pain for disobeying him, not to kill it. He keeps telling the monster to obey and Sharkenstein ultimately decides to kill Klaus.

Couldn’t Even Have The Actor Pretend To Be Dead In A Pool

Sharkenstein starts destroying the house and the three hostages are all underwater.

At Least That’s What I Think Is Happening.

The three main characters try to swim to shore, but Sharkenstein is hot on their trail. Sharkenstein first kills Skip.

I Swear To God, This Movie Is Cheaply Made

Duke shows up and saves Cooper and Madge.

Who Are Not Even Remotely Wet Despite Being In The Water

They all get chased by Sharkenstein, but get on land via the docks. But despite being on the docks, Cooper still thinks it is a smart idea to taunt Sharkenstein. So Sharkenstein decides to get out of the water,

It’s stuck, but some lightning from another storm hits it and……get this, Sharkenstein grows arms

WHAT THE FAKE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE??!!!!

It’s as if someone got one of those Street Shark puppets from back in the day and worked to make something crappy from there.

Vin Diesel Even Was Marketing That Stuff Back In The Day

Duke decides to scare it away with a fakely lit torch.

I’d Be Surprised If This Film Cost More Than $10,000 And I Only Say That Much Based On Inflation

Duke and Madge both think Sharkenstein needs to be stopped while Cooper just wants to get out of here. Sharkenstein then decides to go over and kill some cows.

Couldn’t Even Afford A Dead Cow

The farm owner sees this and instead of screaming, immediately starts shooting it with her gun.

Damn Kids In Their Costumes Killing My Cows. I’m Gonna Introduce Them To My Good Friend, Shotty.

As they are trying to follow Sharkenstein, we get some insight about how other Nazi scientists are doing the same shit all over the world. Meanwhile, Cooper decides instead of going back to civilization, he will just walk into the woods. Bad News for him is Sharkenstein is in those woods. Cooper grabs a stick and warns that he has a weapon, while also knowing karate.

I know Taekwondo and Karate are two different things, but for this shit I have a point to make. When I was young and lived in Monmouth, New Jersey until I was 10, I took Taekwondo in Red Bank and it kind of was a Gracie School (at least that’s what my mom told me) and reached green belt with getting close to blue, but we moved to Virginia and there the taekwondo classes nearby weren’t up to snuff of what my parents wanted (especially on the philosophy side) so I stopped going to taekwondo. I wasn’t great at the sparring part, but my little brother was and finished third in some sparring tournament. I say this because there are certain disciplines that you can sort of know when someone says they know karate or some other martial arts and know that they are full of shit.

This Guy Is Full Of Shit

Sharkenstein just kills him.

They hear the noises and go to check it out. Meanwhile, the farmer from earlier went and got herself a posse.

Duke sees this and realizes that a posse is not good. Oh and by the way, no one even bats an eye about the idea of going after a shark monster on land. Elsewhere, there is a photo shoot going on with a model who might have done porn in the past named Bonnie Boom Boom.

Hey, This Movie Said It…..Not Me.

Sharkenstein shows up and kills the photographer.

Then Sharkenstein dry humps Bonnie Boom Boom.

I Have Nothing To Really Say Here.

Back in the woods with Duke and Madge, they talk a bit about Frankenstein’s Monster and the movies, all with completely different ways on how to deal with the monster. Duke decides that the monster needs to be trapped in an old building and burned with fire.

Sharkenstein starts killing two members of the mob

The rest see it and start shooting, chasing the monster away.

Duke and Madge enter the old house and find dynamite in it. They set the house to blow and wait for Sharkenstein to arrive. Duke cuts himself to lure the beast and Madge made a joke how she could have saved him the trouble as she just had her period. We see some small bit of a romance between the two, but Sharkenstein comes and Duke leads the monster into the house. The house is set on fire by the angry mob and it goes boom.

Madge is upset that her potential love interest is dead and the mob disperses as Sharkenstein is dead. She sulks on the docks, but is interrupted when another Sharkenstein shows up.

And That’s The End Of This Movie.

Not much info on how this movie did, nothing notable was done by the cast after this film, and in good news, no one has died in this movie. So let’s move to the final thoughts on this film.

This movie is the worst cheap movie I have ever seen. Here is what I know about bad cheap movies. They are normally so bad in their cheapness….that they are just boring slogs to watch. Nothing about this movie is memorable in a good way and quite honestly, maybe it is one of the top ten worst films I have ever inducted and maybe it isn’t, because it really seems to be a movie that will be completely forgotten by me in a few months. I really hope I don’t have to induct another Polonia Brothers film, but I know I will have to do so because he has done more bad movies with monsters.

So with that out of the way, what is next.

Hello There, Poor, Unfortunate Soul

What are you doing here? It’s normally supposed to be a special induc….

Not this time. You see, I have enjoyed my peace and quiet from your nauseating world where I’m starting to wonder which one of us is in the Negaverse with your world’s BS about taking a damn vaccine. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you people?

So does that mean I get to come to your world and torture you with bad movies.

Not on your life…I have better things to do than these silly inductions. The truth is you need these silly inductions to keep your life on the right track and I….don’t.

But moving on…..your next induction is a film that would not have been my first choice of what you should watch, but instead is one that I’m sure will be bad as your “adoring” fans decided you should continue on the world of terrible Frankenstein films, but this one has a western twang to it with an outlaw who some dumbasses tried to romanticize. Your next induction is…