Monster Crap Inductee: Sharks In Venice (2008)

After this induction, you will find out how you can be the next person to decide all five of my inductions for next summer.

Monster Crap Inductee: Sharks In Venice
No Pizza Or Pasta Was Harmed In The Making Of This Film
 

2008

This third induction from Gus Richlen involves sharks again (so does his last choice), but this time they are on the docks of Venice in Italy. Now let’s talk about Venice for a little bit as it is a city that basically is completely on the canals and the streets are so small that most travel is done by boat or bicycle. It is also the city that when the day comes that the water levels dry out due to the polar ice caps melting, will be one of the first that will be completely underwater. And the canals of Venice are EXTREMELY polluted, so much so that no sea life lives there and if you hear about shark attacks happening, they all happen in the Gulf of Venice, which isn’t polluted. 

Now let’s talk about where most of this movie’s budget went and that is of course Stephen Baldwin.
 

Of course he is part of the Baldwin brothers and you remember while calling Alec Baldwin the most overrated actor I’ve seen that he is only getting a lot of praise for being the best of the Baldwin brothers, which is REALLY not that big of an accomplishment. Well, Stephen Baldwin is the worst of the Baldwin brothers. You see, the most known movie Stephen Baldwin is known for is The Usual Suspects, but he is probably the most forgettable part of that film compared to everyone else. His second most notable film is this….

Yes, The Film That Finally Made Us Realize That….Man, We Really Don’t Need To Have Big Budget Films Starring Pauly Shore.

You may also know Stephen Baldwin as the crazy religious right wing brother of the Baldwins, that none of the other brothers even like. And one more thing you might want to know about him is as of right now, he is Justin Bieber’s father-in-law.

Just In Case You Wanted To Know Which One Of The Baldwin Brothers Had To Walk His Daughter Down The Aisle To Marry That Little Asshole, Because Lord Knows The Media Will Rarely Mention This Fact….Probably Due To “It’s Bad Enough She Is Marrying This Dumbass, We Don’t Need To Mention That Her Dad Is A Dumbass Too”.

So you just know you are in good hands. Now this being a film that basically is shown on SyFy and nowhere else, the rest of the cast is a basic bunch of unknowns, although some of them have been in other films that have been inducted into the unfinished basement halls of Monster Crap like the director Danny Lerner who directed…

Oh Son Of A Bitch!!!!

Vanessa Johansson (who was a receptionist in the Day Of The Dead remake (more on her later)), Atanas Srebev (who was Friedman in Shark Attack 3, Carlo in Raging Sharks, and Agent Madison in Hellboy),

We’re Just Bringing Back The Nightmares Of Raging Sharks, Aren’t We?

Bashar Rahal (who was Luis Ruiz in Shark Attack 3),

Yes, The Guy Who Stole The Life Jacket From His Date So He Can Jump In The Water (In Hopes Of Saving Himself) And Gets Eaten By The Megalodon That Pops Up

And Michael McCoy (who was Mr. Noble in the Day Of The Dead remake).

With all of that out of the way, let’s get started on inducting this film.

We begin this movie.

Very Generic Credits With A Shot Of Venice

Then we see people under the water searching for stuff.

The leader of the diving team says that they need to find something and if they don’t they will need to wrap it up since they go home the next day. Meanwhile, they are in communications with people on a yacht and those people are lead by this shady character.

Really Not Sure If That Is A Wig

The divers get the sense that something is following them, but they also think they have found what they are looking for. Unfortunately, they get attacked and killed by a shark.

The shady character is unhappy as we cut to San Francisco and the Oceanographic Institute where our lead character David Franks is teaching a class about the Andrea Doria shipwreck.

One of the students is not impressed with how deep it is and then David explains the dangers of exploring the area, with an addition of the fact of sharks being a risk.

There is a knock at the door and someone comes to get Mr. Franks out of class since there was a tragedy in Venice and his father (the leader of the divers) is missing. The official word is that there was a propeller accident, but you and I know that didn’t happen. But the most shocking thing is this institute taking care of all of David’s expenses as he takes a plane trip to Venice. Look, I know they will help with some expenses to get you there, but I don’t think an institute will take care of all of the expenses for a trip to Venice with him and his fiancée, regardless of the reasons. And here is his fiancée Laura.

Remember when I said I would get to Ms. Vanessa Johansson later. Well, it’s time to get to that as she may have been in a past Monster Crap induction, but before I went into this induction, I had no idea that she has a famous sister, although the last name should have given me a hint. In fact, Vanessa here is the older sister of an Academy Award Winning Hollywood Actress.

Yep, Scarlett Johansson. Oddly Enough, This Induction Is Coming The Same Month As Black Widow Is In Theaters. Just Happy Coincidences Here At Monster Crap HQ.

Anyway, Laura is also a teacher although we don’t know what she teaches. So we immediately cut to them arriving in Venice. They arrive at the morgue where they meet Lt. Sofia Totti of the Venice, Police.

She explains that they were diving in a restricted area and met a gruesome end from a boat propeller. After looking at the bodies (neither of which are his father), he asks what the cause of death is that the mortician has down. He says he has no official cause of death.

Hey, It’s Better This Job Than Jumping Into The Mouth Of A Megalodon

Also, if the mortician has no official cause of death down, why in the blue hell is everyone saying it was a boat propeller accident? In fact, David here tells them that he has seen enough shark attacks to know this was no boat propeller accident and these men were killed by a shark. David is now taken to see Sofia’s boss, Captain Bonasera.

Better Than Getting Killed By Sharks In The Bermuda Triangle

He informs David that there are no sharks in Venice and due to a confidentiality agreement he signed, he is not allowed to tell anyone that sharks killed those men. Bonasera doesn’t want to give them special permission to search for his father, but Laura says that maybe the American Embassy can help allow that. They have two days allowed to do the search and Lt. Totti will be accompanying them at all times. David, Laura, and Sofia go to David’s dad’s place to see if he left any clues.

Oh Yeah, The Place Got Ransacked

David and Laura are unhappy about this, but David knows where his dad would hide anything of value which is outside the hotel and in the water, but attached to a string.

Oh Yeah…..The CGI Water. Let’s Get To That…..

You see, besides the exterior shots that were guerilla filmed, most of the movie was shot in Bulgaria and because nothing in Bulgaria (because Bulgaria is cheaper) looks like Venice, they used this CGI water to make you believe they are in Venice. Even the director made a joke about how he wanted to call the movie “Sharks in Bulgaria”, but it didn’t sound as good as “Sharks in Venice”. And the boat you saw in the background while he was getting the hidden stuff, that is courtesy of a green screen backdrop along with the CGI. So any time you see this CGI water, just know it is there to hide the fact that there is actual ground there and not water because Bulgaria.

Back to the movie, they talk about a crusade funded by King Louis XIV attacked Antonia Crete, killing everyone and stealing their treasure.

Ultimately, they hid their treasure secretly somewhere in Venice and that is what David’s dad was looking for. They find a map of where his dad thinks the treasure is hidden.

The trio get aboard a boat and set off for where to find David’s dad.

Nothing More Convincing Than A Boat With A Green Screen Backdrop

Sofia and Laura get into an argument over the investigation since Laura feels it is rather sloppy with this whole mysterious boat propeller. David thinks he sees a shark’s fin following them, but when he looks back, it is gone. David goes underwater with a fellow diver to search the area and we see that a shark is nearby. While searching, David finds his dad’s watch. The other diver has lost where David is at and his life a few minutes later after a shark kills him.

David finds the body of the other diver and says that it is a great white shark that killed him. The shark chases David who has to escape via a whole that leads to a cavern. In this cavern, David finds that there are booby traps around the place and does his best to avoid them. He also finds the treasure and only takes a single gem. David goes back into the water and gets immediately attacked by the sharks and killed. But the shark attacks were all a dream.

Oh God....I Just Dreamed There Was A Bio Dome 2.

Laura tends to him as she reveals he has been out for two days. David reveals to Laura that he found the treasure and is about to show the gem, but he doesn’t have it anymore. Captain Bonasera and Sofia show up, basically Bonasera telling them he can’t tell anyone about any sharks due to the confidentiality agreement. David says he and Laura are leaving and Bonasera seems happy about that.

 

After leaving the hospital, the couple get approached by two men in black suits (one of them named Rossi) who tell them that they have been invited to dinner by their mob boss, Vito Clemenza. That night, we get more shots of Venice as David and Laura meet Vito.

I Knew That Guy Was Shady As Hell

He wants David to continue what his father was doing and go find the treasure that he already found, but told nobody but Laura about.

Never Mind, He Knows Because His People Were Able To Find The Gem That David Took.

David turns him down, but Vito warns them that turning him down is a huge mistake. He even offers them 10% which is $20 million, but both David and Laura pass on this deal. When they leave, Vito tells Rossi to have the mob guys make sure David changes his mind. Meanwhile, we see a drunk guy and the lady he is with at an alley. The guy wants to have sex, but unfortunately for him, he is near the terrible CGI water and a shark kills him.

Holy Crap….This Kill Looks So Bad

Back in their room, Laura gets packed up although David isn’t happy he never found his dad’s body. David also wants to take Vito up on the offer since he wants to live his dad’s dream of getting this treasure. Laura mentions how untrustworthy Vito is and is ultimately forced to make an ultimatum: David leaves with her or the relationship is over. Unlike more films where this is seen as a tough choice, David makes the obvious choice and decides to leave with Laura.

The next day, David and Vanessa are out site-seeing when it becomes obvious they are being followed by the mob goons. The goons quickly kidnap Laura and David gets his ass kicked.

I Guess It Wasn’t In The Budget For Stephen Baldwin To Do A Fight Here

Back at the police station, David gets grilled by Sofia about what he was doing since he did see Clemenza. David says two of his people showed up and invited them to dinner and of course with the mafia, they accepted. Sofia wants to know about the job David was offered and David doesn’t think it makes a damn bit of difference since they took his fiancée. They take David back to his hotel room and say they will look into Laura’s kidnapping, even though David freaking told them who kidnapped her. Either Sofia is really terrible at her job of being a cop or she is freaking in on this whole mafia thing because it is not this easy to just shrug off a whole kidnapping incident, especially a kidnapping of an American citizen on foreign soil. The US embassy takes that shit very seriously and the police force all over the world know this. Also, and I do hate bringing this up since this is kind of racist, but the American media will damn sure not drop the story of a pretty white woman kidnapped in Italy.

Amanda Knox Is Proof That You Can Be Convicted Of Murder In Italy (Even If Under Suspicious Circumstances) And If The American Media Likes You Enough, We Will Take Care Of It.

Meanwhile, a gondola gets destroyed by a freaking shark in broad daylight with plenty of witnesses. Several people are eaten.

I Guess That Whole “No Sharks In Venice” Thing Goes Right Out The Freaking Window

Immediately, the media is talking about missing people in Venice and not the fact that there were freaking sharks that attacked. No offense, but this movie should know when the whole cat is out of the bag yet they don’t and quite honestly, that may be a freaking insult to the work of the police in Italy and the Italian media.

David goes back to his room and he has police detail waiting outside. That night, goons of the mafia try to kidnap David, but he does get the jump on them. However, the goons do take out the police officers assigned to protect David and despite needing David alive freaking shoot at him with assault rifles

You Guys Are Supposed To Be Taking Him Alive

A chase ensues and David has to fight one of them in a workshop cellar.

Make Way For Hacksaw Stephen Baldwin….Hooooo!!!!!

He forces the guy to eventually tell him where Clemenza and the mafia are holding Laura (on a boat) with the threat of sawing his head in half with a circular saw.

Yeah, Sadly This Movie Doesn’t Have The Balls Of Italian Directors Like Bruno Mattei, Dario Argento, Lucio Fulci, Mario Bava, Or Lamberto Bava.

He tries heading to the boat, but we get more chasing as mafia goons try to run him over with a motorcycle.

What Part Of “Capture This Guy Alive” Is Freaking Foreign To These Goons??

Thankfully, David is able to escape and gets to the boat that he was told she was being kept on. Of course, it is a freaking trap and David gets subdued.

Making That Whole Chase Scene…..Completely Pointless

David wakes up in a warehouse in the docks as he is taken to Vito, who reveals that he is responsible for killer sharks being in the canals of Venice.

So Bad Guy McMafia over here has been putting killer sharks in the canals for years now and somehow, this dumbass is freaking upset when people from his whole team or people working for him…..get killed by the killer sharks because it means he isn’t able to find the hidden treasure that he knows is in a secret cave underwater. Congratulations, you have basically become the biggest “saboteur of his own freaking plans” I have ever seen.

I know he says too many people want to dive here, but here is the thing….unless you have a damn permit which the Venice police here really don’t seem to want to give, then it is illegal to dive here anyway. Also, you do know the reasons why it is basically illegal and mostly pointless to dive in the canals, because the canals are too freaking polluted that you really can’t see shit in them. So dumbass here basically created a solution to a problem that wasn’t even freaking there.

We find that Laura is still alive and that of course, Sofia was working for the bad guys the whole time.

Big Freaking Surprise……That I Could See Several Hundred Miles Away

Vito gives David an hour to find the treasure and in case he tries any funny business, he is going to have Rossi and another guy go on the dive with him to find it. David says his goodbyes to Laura and gets into the murky waters.

I Have A Feeling That Isn’t The Same Water

The guy whose name I didn’t mention gets killed after a few minutes in the water by one of the sharks.

David then blows up the shark with a harpoon attached to dynamite.

David leads Rossi to the cavern where he found the treasure the first time. By the way, David admits to screwing up by saving his ass in the most monotone way possible. Rossi radios Vito that they found the treasure so Vito gives him the okay to kill David. Unfortunately for them, David is not surprised and is able to disarm Rossi. The two fight until Rossi grabs a dagger, which inadvertently sets off a trap and he is impaled.

Vito tries to radio Rossi back, but David radios back that Rossi is dead and that he is coming for him. Vito sends two more divers in to go after David and one of them gets killed immediately by a shark.

Kinda Walked Right Into That One

The other diver arrives to the destination and looks for David who is still in the cave. David actually sneakily walks right by him. The guy looks in the treasure room and sees that David has rigged a barrel of gunpowder to explode, which it does and it kills him. David jumps into the water and goes back to the warehouse, where Vito has armed himself. He takes Laura as a hostage and forces David to tell him where the treasure is. Vito then decides that he is going to kill David, but Sofia decides to do a face turn because she thinks Vito has gone too far than what they talked about. Vito doesn’t like this, but he lets Laura go and drops his gun….which distracts Sofia enough to get shot from behind by a guard.

Vito tries to get his gun back, but David stops him and those two have a fight. Laura grabs the gun and shoots one of the goons who comes in and all this commotion alerts the police who are on their way. David and Vito take their fight into the water while Captain Bonasera arrives and demands the goons put their guns down. A shootout occurs, which kills some of the goons and since one of the ones held a grenade before he was shot, that grenade kills the baby sharks that were kept in captivity.

Baby Shark….Doo Dod Doodoodoo OH DEAR GOD!!!!!!

Eventually, the goons get surrounded and they wisely surrender.

Mi Arrendo!!!

Vito meets his own end at the hands of his own creation as he is killed by a shark.

Isn’t It Ironic, Don’t You Think?

David gets out of the water and meets with Captain Bonasera. Apparently, Sofia told the captain that she had something to confess, something that David can corroborate. David then lies and does not mention that she was working for Vito, instead saying that Sofia shot one of the men and to him and his fiancée, that makes her a hero. Bonasera says he will put that in his report before wanting to make sure that David kept things quiet, which David says he knows that there are no sharks in Venice. He then quietly tells Laura that he got her a gift, which is a necklace he took from the treasure room.

Laura accepts the gift and makes David promise her that they will not spend their honeymoon in Venice, an easy promise to make since they already went to Venice and considering their salaries as teachers, once is enough.

And The Movie Ends With This Shark Fin

Or It Could Be LL Cool J's Hat. He Did Say It Was Like A Shark Fin

And that ends this movie. Nobody in this film went on to do anything of note (besides Stephen Baldwin doing his religious right wing films). Sadly in 2015, the director Danny Lerner passed away at the age of 63 from cancer (which is also the first time I have heard about this considering I do R.I.P.s to Monster Crap alum all the time).

Now for my final thoughts and oh boy, this film is really bad. The CGI is terrible, the acting (especially from Stephen Baldwin (who went to the Val Kilmer school of keeping your mouth open at times for no damn reason)), and the script was bad. However, I actually have a lot more to work as far as jokes with Sharks In Venice than I did with Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus so as far as inducting this film, this was easier to get through. Consider that a back handed compliment, but it is one. Oh and if you are going to do a movie about Venice, do it in fucking Venice, not Bulgaria where you have to have CGI water that you can tell isn’t really there.

Now as far as this next film that I am inducting goes, these last two are films that he has wanted me to induct for years now and this one is one that has been in several Monster Crap polls, but never won the induction. Well, it is time for it to officially be inducted as we go to the year 2000…..

Gonna Miss Conan O’Brien

And we see a classic monster get the “let’s MTV this classic monster up” with….

Okay, now for how you can choose what five movies I induct next summer. I have set up a Monster Crap Fantasy Football League thanks to Yahoo. I have sent out invitations to several online friends and have gotten only a few of those accepting. It is a first come, first serve league so…if you want to join, you can DM me on Twitter @SethDrakin or if you are part of the Official FAN Message Board, you can PM Seth Drakin there. There are 10 spots open as I post this induction so you might want to get on that quickly.

Winner gets the next five movies to induct for next summer.