Like A Roller Coaster….That I Don’t Want To Ride
While not always visible, he has taken the lives of many via happenstance, diseases, or just natural causes. But in the 2000s, a certain film series would give the Grim Reaper the slasher villain look.
At this point, the first film is a classic and the second one is a gem just for the carnage. Unfortunately, when you make something great, the sequels always have to try and up the ante and eventually they go over the top to the point that it isn’t good anymore. Eventually, you get sequelitis and even an idea where the main joy of the series is to see the unique ways that people get picked off by huge circumstance, flops. To avoid this…..you need talent that is going to avoid being bad and annoying and….you’re gonna show me the main star and it is gonna be someone I know very well in a bad way, aren’t ya?
I’m gonna get blue in the face with how many times I have to explain this to people. Mary Elizabeth Winstead is a very pretty lady and I don’t hate her at all. But she is someone who when it comes to a lead roles….just cannot be the lead unless she gets carried. In fact, until 10 Cloverfield Lane, I could not name you a single film that was good, which she was in. And before you say Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, just know I do not like that film and you would be a bald faced liar if you said she carried that film in any way possible. In fact, I’ve inducted two films that she has been in which are both films that try to ape another film and I fucking despise them (The Thing (2011) and Black Christmas (2006)). So who else do we have here?
And more like Jody Racicot (who was the attendant in Black Christmas (2006)) Oh, and you know “Candyman” Tony Todd is in this film as he is in all of the films, except one.
Of course Monster Crap fans will know him as…
*Gets whispered in ear*
What do you mean I have never done a film with Tony Todd in it?
*Gets whispered again*
Check it again…
*Gets whispered a third time*
Wow…..we have never done a film with Tony Todd in it. Okay, then I guess I gotta talk about Tony Todd.
We are then introduced to our main character Wendy Christiansen as she is taking pictures of her friends riding rides.
But as Wendy looks at her pictures, she notices something.
Now I know I have another real question to ask?
She does get to process this too long as her friends jump in to talk about how awesome that was. One of them talks about how they need to go to the roller coaster or they will have to wait in line forever.
But Wendy is feeling very strange about this whole thing as the wind is giving her bad vibes. Oh and we find out this guy is named Kevin Fischer.
Oh and as Kevin tries to take a picture under a girl’s skirt, Wendy takes the camera back and flashes it in his eyes. As the guys go leave to get some food, we find out that the girlfriend of Kevin tells Wendy that she is breaking up with him. We then see some girls shooting squirt guns at clowns to try and pop a balloon in hopes of getting a prize.
They win the prize and we find out one of them is named Ashley and the other one is named Ashlyn.
Then we get this awesome dancing dude.
Wendy tries to take a picture, but three girls block her shot and when she looks at them, she knows they are not seniors.
Wendy points this out and through some catty dialogue, we know the center girl is Wendy’s younger sister Julie. Wendy takes a picture as proof and the other girl doesn’t seem to care.
We also meet Lewis Romero as he wins a prize from the high striker (you know, that hammer game where you have to prove how hard you can swing).
Wendy takes a picture of him and gets more dread when she sees him swing so hard that the head of the machine falls off.
And we see the devil.
Anyway, this guy friend asks for a picture and she gives him it.
By the way, I still have no idea who the girlfriend of Kevin (and Wendy’s friend) is and I have no idea who this lunkhead who just got his picture taken is. This movie is not good at making us care for these people for the sheer fact that we don’t know who they are. And since I don’t know who these two are, my guess is they probably die pretty soon.
Wendy has weird feelings about the ride, but Jason is able to calm her down.
And then we get this pervert.
Oh And The Girlfiend Of Kevin Here Is Carrie Dreyer
Wendy gets more scared and a girl in the next line calms her down about how roller coasters are just “elemental physics….a conversion of potential energy to kinetic energy”.
They are about to go to row 1, but Wendy refuses as she does not want to see the tracks as it happens. Then we get a coin flip to decide who will sit with Wendy in the back and who will sit with Carrie in the front.
Jason says heads so he gets to sit in front with Carrie and Kevin has to sit in back with Wendy. By the way, as someone who liked roller coasters and would go on them all the time before multiple sclerosis made that kinda nearly impossible to do unless I wanted to get a headache and be out of action to do the next ride for 5 minutes, being all the way in the back has an issue as well as you will get the most whiplash from it, which is especially a problem on a steel looping coaster where you have to have that chest harness on you. Trust me, your best bet in a roller coaster is being in the middle somewhere.
Back to the movie, they were actually going to be in the middle before Frankie decides to be a dickface and steel their seats so he can be behind Ashley and Ashlyn.
Oh and one thing he does that even the movie mentions you shouldn’t do is have a loose object on you.
As Wendy and Kevin go all the way in the back, Jason tells Wendy that he will meet her at the end. Kids try to sneak into the ride, but they are sent packing. The chest harnesses come down and Lewis’ harness has to go all the way down, which somehow causes some leakage to the hydraulics.
Wendy’s camera is forced to be put into Kevin’s pocket so it doesn’t get loose which causes Frankie to hide his in his coat, which makes it still loose. Oh and there is some gum on the back seat.
The ride finally starts and as they are going up the slope and preparing for the first descent, the hydraulics fluid keeps leaking. The descent begins and once they go up the first loop, Frankie tells the two ladies in front of him to show him their titties. They knock the camera out of his hand and it falls onto the track.
The cart runs over the camera and breaks the hydraulic fluid line which means all those safety harness are now off.
Wendy Is Holding On To Hers For It To Stay On, But You See The Back Where It Is Up? That’s Not Supposed To Happen.
Suddenly, the wheels start falling off and shit starts sparking up.
It is at this point Carrie and Jason’s cart separates from the rest and they fall to their death.
Lewis is holding onto the side thanks to the bumps and starts falling, but Kevin tries to save his ass.
But something else flies off and knocks off Lewis so he dies.
Lewis also crashes into a beam for extra damage.
Of course that piece that killed Lewis also knocks one of the rails loose so eventually, the coaster carts will be off the track soon.
These people whose harnesses are loose? Yeah, some people are falling.
Kevin tries to swing the cart forward, but it goes backwards. And because of another loose piece, Kevin gets split in half.
And the cart completely goes to the broken part of the track and flips over.
As Wendy falls to her death, she goes back to now as all of that carnage was just a vision.
She then notices the same things happening and figuring the same end result will happen, she freaks the hell out. She starts screaming that it is going to crash, people get angry, and several members get kicked off the ride, namely Wendy, Kevin, Lewis, Ian, Erin, Frankie, Ashley, and Ashlyn. Two others get kicked off, but we don’t know who they are yet.
Jason pleads for them to let him off because he wants to be with his girlfriend, but for some odd reason, the ride operators force them to stay.
A few days later (I believe), Wendy is at school late to get stuff out of the locker and looks mournfully at the vigil left for the kids who died.
She starts noticing the wind is blowing out candles and is a bit creeped out by that. Wendy starts throwing all her books in the trash when Kevin comes up, wanting to talk. She of course doesn’t want to talk to him, revealing that she is not going to graduation. Kevin says he made a promise to Jason that he would take care of Wendy and Wendy says that was only for the ride. She reveals that if it weren’t for Kevin and Jason as well as her and Carrie being friends, they would have never hung out.
As she walks to the rain, Ashley and Ashlyn try to invite her to go suntanning with them. Of course Wendy isn’t going as she does not like the two. Wendy goes to her car when Kevin stops her again. Kevin then reveals what has happened in the first movie. She finds this disgusting and drives off.
We go to the tanning salon that Ashley and Ashlyn are getting their tans at. We cut between that and Wendy at home. Wendy’s sister Julie gives her shit about accidentally taking a bracelet that the grandmother left to Julie in her will. Wendy asks for some help as she feels remorse for not having done enough to save Jason or Carrie. Julie acts like an understanding sister and tells Wendy she will stay with her big sister when she finds a new place to comfort her. She also gives Wendy the bracelet as a loan in return for borrowing the camera.
Wendy starts recharging the batteries and notices a picture of Jason with the devil lurking in the background.
Back at the tanning salon, they let the person who normally handles things (Yuri) go outside to talk to his nagging girlfriend while they set up the tanning booths. Meanwhile, Wendy gets that wind and the Ramone bobblehead just nods.
Oh and the owner told one of them to not bring her drink into the tanning bed room and she does anyway.
Of course, Yuri freaking gets locked out because what he used as a door holder…..was shit.
Wendy starts uploading the pictures on the camera on her computer. The two tanning girls also change the temperature in the room, which is a terrible idea for a tanning room (those rooms are cold for a reason).
The Brunette reveals she forgot her iPod and they just play music from the stereo. As they get a CD, the shelf also gets a bit loose.
Oh and boobs.
And the song that is playing is “Roller Coaster Of Love” By The Ohio Players. You know, I had plans on making a joke about this song as a fun joke way to play the fact that they were all getting killed on that coaster, but the reason I had to pass on that joke because this movie decides to use this song instead as a fun joke way to play the fact that these two ladies get killed in a tanning booth. Since this movie wants to ruin my fun, I’m going to ruin this movie’s fun with this 90s single from the UK that seems more apt for these deaths. Some of you may have heard of it. To others, this may be a treat.
Wendy in her room sees this picture which is an omen of things to come.
The radiator starts going up and is past 250.
The room starts getting warmer too.
Wind starts blowing onto the coat hanger as the girls start burning. Wendy tries to call to warn them, but it is too late as the coat hanger falls on a tree that falls on the shelf that wedges itself so both of the girls cant get out.
With them stuck in the suntan beds and Yuri locked out, horror can only ensue as these ladies are burnt to death.
We then cut to the two ladies’ closed casket funeral.
Oh and after the preacher says that “we are all equal in death’s eyes”, Ian has issues with that line and mentions people who were horrible and lived longer lives than these two ladies. Of course, Lewis calmly escorts him out, knowing this isn’t the right time for any sort of aggression. Freddie says that he somehow feels it is his fault and when Julie crudely asks how it can be his fault, we truly see that Frankie is trying to make it about himself. He tries to make a move on her and she rightfully slaps him.
As Ian and Erin leave in their van, Lewis tells Kevin that these funerals are so boring and if he ever has to go to his, to bring a PSP or something. Kevin gets a phone call from Wendy, who is at Jason’s grave. They talk about Jason and the wind blows by. Wendy then shows the last photo of Abe Lincoln and a picture of a shadow of a plane on the World Trade Center as strange omens of what is to come. She also talks about the giant crash that caused all the events of the second movie. Kevin thinks that yeah, he might have put some strange stuff in her head, but not to believe every weird thing out there. This is again a complete 180 on the last scene we saw him in. She then shows the photos and thinks that everyone might die the same way like in the photo so they must stop it.
So let’s talk about a huge fucking problem with this film and it is with the photos. While yes, the phenomenon of strange photos being omens is nothing new, they do not work in this movie under the guise that their original deaths were supposed to have happened at the roller coaster. That has been the point of the first two movies. People are supposed to die and someone saved some people so Death is now trying to kill the people to fix the mistake that kept them alive. And it goes to a point of how people die is the way Death goes after them because Death is meticulous about things. Nowhere in those photos would Ashley and Ashlyn die on freaking fire or as we will later see, others die in the way they will be killed, if they had been killed in the roller coaster crash. So the only way this works is if Death intentionally gave Wendy these visions and is now just being a damn slasher villain in hunting them, which kind of loses the appeal of the idea of Death offing people in that Death has no motivation for your demise other than Death was given a time when you were supposed to die and somehow, Death has to make good on that (which it always does).
Wendy starts feeling a bit woozy so Kevin decides to take her somewhere to eat. While in the car, Kevin talks about the rules and that means Frankie would be next on Death’s list. They look at Frankie’s picture because it could be an omen and while looking at it, they barely miss hitting a truck driver.
They decide to go to the drive thru of a fast food restaurant so they can look at the picture. There, they look at the picture.
They go to the intercom and Kevin asks what Wendy wants from the place. Wendy then sees something odd with the computer there.
The radio then starts changing dials.
A truck then traps the passenger side door as another truck is out of control.
They try to ask the person in front of them to pull up so they can get out and even honk at him. All they get is this.
The car behind them sees what is going on and gets out of the way. Thankfully, Kevin thinks to break the windshield so he and Wendy can get out as well.
We then find out who exactly was killed and I think you knew exactly who it is.
The authorities come to send Frankie to the Coroners and the cops ask the two if they need a ride since they are all done here. Wendy says that they can just walk to her house and she will give him a ride to his. Kevin then says that while it is tragic, they were wrong about the ladder so that means the photos theory is bogus. Wendy then says that she should have just left town and it was better not knowing. Kevin disagrees and willful ignorance is surrendering control, which is something he knows she hates. They then see that there were two people in front of Frankie, but they don’t know who they are. They then decide to ask Lewis, Ian, and Erin to see if they remember.
They then look at other pictures and they come by a picture of Carrie with plush dinos. Kevin gets sad and reveals to Wendy that he was going to ask her to marry him right after graduation. They then find another picture of Frankie and it shows what looks like a fan in his head so the photo theory is back on.
They then go back to Lewis and see this.
They also know that Lewis is at the training camp of State Football and their mascot is the Sultans. So they try to warn Lewis and once again, Kevin does a 180 as he does not want to see his now even though he had that speech about willful ignorance. Oh and when they go to Lewis, he doesn’t buy a word of this.
They try and he keeps denying and with all the grunting going on, Lewis says “Fuck Death!!!”, before he nearly gets killed via one guy breaking a piece of a bear, which breaks off into the head of another guy, who drops a weight bar, which causes the swords to nearly slice off Lewis.
So with Lewis now dead, it makes that whole cart thing strange, but maybe they die differently from when they were riding. Also Wendy is wondering why she is the one who got the premonition. Kevin tries to calm her down by saying he doesn’t know why and there is nothing he can do about that. Wendy then asks if he can drive, which Kevin accepts. He also asks if his death doesn’t involve a car at all, which Wendy laughs at.
We then go to Ian and Erin as they are doing a graveyard shift at a hardware store and is trying to shoot pigeons with a nail gun.
Kevin and Wendy knock at the gate which scares Erin. Erin calls Ian over talking about how he is going to trip when he hears this. The photo is shown and the graveyard shift couple laugh about the presumed idea of Ian killing Erin. Wendy also wants to know who was sitting behind them on the roller coaster and after fucking with them, both Ian and Erin reveal they don’t know. Ian also reveals that people just die and there is nothing more than that. Ian then talks about actions having consequences and if Death’s plan involves an order, then what would happen if the last in line (Wendy) made the utilitarian choice of killing themselves. Wendy of course doesn’t even want to consider that option.
Through various boxes of nails, a chain rolling, a runaway forklift thanks to the box of nails, run over jugs of cleaner, hammers causing the forklift to lift the shelf of hammers up, and some stakes, Death was choosing Ian to be next, but Wendy saves Ian before he gets impaled by them.
Wendy leaves the police station after some questioning the next day and explains that she told the cops everything, but they don’t believe her. Wendy also thinks that it skipped Ian since they did save him from the fence stakes (but trust me, they didn’t). So since they believe that, Kevin knows that he is next, and then Wendy. Wendy says they can beat this and Kevin agrees, but he has to go with his dad. Kevin tells Wendy to go back and look for more clues from the pictures. They hug and then go their own ways for the next few hours.
But as Wendy goes into her car, we see Ian is following her in his van.
Back at the house, Wendy is resting when Julie comes by. She needs her good luck bracelet and since Wendy is sleeping, Julie takes it. Wendy wakes up after Julie leaves and realizes that the one person who was in front of them was the lucky bracelet.
She tries to call Julie, but she gets put on voice mail. She then calls Kevin, who is at the town tri-centennial fair. Kevin tells Wendy that he will look for her as Wendy says she is on her way. Kevin now wants to look at his picture as well since they may be next if they don’t save Julie and friend. Wendy looks at her picture and because she was wearing a McKinley High School shirt and Ian’s last name is McKinley, she thinks Ian might want to kill her. Meanwhile, Kevin’s picture is of him being flashed so he may want to avoid the fireworks display. She immediately heads there.
As Wendy is driving, the radio plays The Vogues “Turn Around, Look At Me”, specifically the line “There is someone….walking behind you.” She then sees that yes, Ian is following her in his van. She narrowly avoids hitting a wolf with her car as the fair begins with Paul Revere saying “The British Are Coming” (We are not going to go into the whole historical inaccuracies of Paul Revere because that would take all damn day). Kevin then sees Ben Franklin with a kite and hoping for some lightning. Kevin’s response to that.
Meanwhile, some shitheads are playing with some sparklers. Kevin thanks fully has to chase them away and turn off their sparklers. Kevin finds Julie and her friends. Julie and friends get hit on by some guys and…
Kevin wants to talk to Julie, but Julie doesn’t want to talk to him. Wendy sees Julie and runs to try and get her. Meanwhile, cannon sponge falls over and knocks a cannon ball, which knocks over a spike holding the fireworks display, which gets to agitate the horse, which gets scared by some asshole kids lighting a cheery bomb near it, which causes the horse to run and carry the stake meant to hold it with a rope, which wraps around Julie’s neck.
Julie is getting strangled by the horse and rope combo as Wendy and Kevin try to save her. Kevin thankfully grabs a sword and cuts the rope around Julie’s neck, saving her before she gets impaled on some spikes.
Wendy finally asks Julie who was with her on the roller coaster ands says she is next. Unfortunately, the horse gets free again and its actions cause a flag to fly up and kill the person who was next to Julie.
But Wendy can’t dwell on this too long as Kevin might be next. Kevin gets kicked into a table by the runaway horse, which allows a kabob to cut the gas line, which would have burned Kevin…..if Wendy hadn’t moved him out of the way.
As Wendy and Julie help Kevin up, Ian shows up.
Ian is obviously pissed about Erin’s death and may want to have Wendy die to end the chain. The fireworks from the fire display fall and nearly shoot Ian, but they all pass him.
Ian then tells Wendy that she is dead. Unfortunately, Death has decided that Ian is next instead.
Five months later….
We are in a subway as some smalltime act is playing for coins in a hat.
In the subway, Wendy is talking to two people she apparently knows about places in the area as it is near Thanksgiving time. As Wendy is looking for stops on this train, the subway performer decides to sing that song that was heard on the radio earlier in this movie, which creeps Wendy out. Oh and as she stays on the train (trying to keep away from the subway reporter who gets off it), she notices that she is on Train 180.
Also we hear Tony Todd in his other role in this film as the Subway announcer saying that the next stop is the “End Of The Line”. Wendy wants to get off the train, but is met in an odd coincidence by her sister Julie so they stay on the train.
Wendy reveals that she is having the same dreadful feeling, but Julie tells her that it is over. Julie tells her sister that Death would have to go after her and Kevin before going Wendy again. But wouldn’t you know who is also on the damn train.
Suddenly, a unfinished candy bar left by a dumbass is eaten by a rat. The rat goes near the wires, which sparks and causes the tracks to switch from where they should be going.
Oh, you know I have to do it.
Julie gets hit by a train wheel.
A window breaks and Kevin gets grinded into the ground.
Wendy is in fact the only survivor of this crash. But, before you think she might have some goddamn Bruce Willis Unbreakable powers…
Wendy screams and we find out this was all just another one of Wendy’s premonitions. Kevin realizes this is about to happen again and tries for the emergency breaks, but the thing doesn’t work. They also can’t open the door so it fades to black and then we see the credits.
But in an attempt to get you to watch the film when it his DVD, this film decided that through certain things, you can change what happens in the film. Mostly the result is rather stupid like which way Ian’s body falls or whether Lewis dies immediately as soon as they enter the gym or we have that whole rigmarole scene. But some of them have interesting changes and I will go into those.
The coin flip going tails means that after the premonition, Wendy takes the coin and freaks out so Wendy, Kevin, Jason, and Carrie all leave the ride while the others stay on. The crash happens, but they live and the movie ends with a stupid epilogue about how they are all doing.
Another is whether it is 73 or 76 degrees. Ashlyn and Ashley wont burn to death, but the will still die via electrocution.
Another is whether Frankie gets saved because you can do that (although I don’t know why anyone would do that). Frankie is put on a stretcher and says he is suing and he will be rich. He will also be later arrested after soliciting an undercover officer for sex.
Another is whether Ian gives the pigeons a warning shot or he goes to kill them. If he goes for warning shot, the scene with Erin is only changed in that pigeons cause her to fall backwards and get killed by the nail gun later.
But the big one is if you read the newspaper that the hobo was sleeping under, you find out that the two survivors from the second movie died via a wood chipper accident.
And now we are done with the movie portion.
On a $25 million budget, it made $118.9 million in the box office so even though this may be inducted into Monster Crap, it made the filmmakers money so it’s not like they give a shit. While not making #1 in the box office, it was the most successful film in the franchise as far as money goes….until the next film (that I find even worse) made more money. The reviews are mixed as this film has a 43% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Unfortunately for many though, this was probably as high as it got for them because you know, being in a horror movie doesn’t mean those roles are gonna come calling for your name. The only three who really had any success in acting is Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who surprisingly failed upwards for me as far as films go….until finally being in a good movie and not being a burden on the film with 10 Cloverfield Lane, Corey Monteith, who despite a tiny role where I think he only said one line, was eventually able to get a starring role on the hit Fox TV series Glee, and Jesse Moss (who played Jason) went on to become the teen leader turned psychopath Chad in Tucker & Dale vs. Evil. But let’s talk about a wild card in Alexz Johnston (who was Erin). She’s actually a singer in Canada, having two albums to her name and during her earlier days before this film, was one of the singers who inspired Demi Lovato to become a singer.
But sadly with the good, we got to talk about the bad and while not many deaths happened since this was released 14 years ago, two people have still since passed on since this film. Corey Monteith (who played Kahill) had some real bad personal demons and sadly they won as he died in 2013 from a heroin and alcohol overdose. Tony Morelli (who played Husband) died at the age of 58 in 2015.
Personal thoughts on this movie is that it is a huge disappointment compared to the first two films and out of all 5 Final Destination films (thus far), this would rank in at #4. Characters are for the most part one dimensional and even the ones that are given more to do, don’t do it very well. I know people think Mary Elizabeth Winstead was the best part of the film and maybe that is true, but in a cast of completely forgettable to down-right annoying, just being fine should not mean you should get any praise for being the best. The kills for the most part are completely laughable (to a point where that never would happen) and Death itself really seems to have lost something as Death would never do things in photos that were before the whole killing that it planned in the first place. I’d suggest watching 1, 2, and 5 before I would even say bother with this film.
Well, it is now time for induction #200 and boy, do I have a doozy because when I heard about the release of a certain lost sequel that would become a frankenfilm, I know it would be my 200th film to get inducted so ladies and….
*gets whispered in his ear*
Grizzly II: The Revenge won’t be released until January of next year???? But I perfectly planned this to be this month as they said they would release it this year. What could have….
Well…..shit. I guess I am going to have to go with Plan B and do like I did with the 100th induction in choosing the second monster movie I have ever seen to be inducted. Yeah, I know I said when it was nominated for the 10th anniversary induction that none of those films would never be inducted again, but come on, I have to do it since Plan A went by the wayside. So for my 200th Induction, I will be doing….
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