I
Prefer Princes Of The Universe
1958
Well,
being stuck in this house for a month now thanks to everything being basically
shut down for a virus, I already have the opener to basically when I talk about
my favorite films of 2020 and that is….
Fuck
2020.
No
seriously, between Kobe’s tragic helicopter crash, the locust problem in Africa,
our stupid ass president somehow getting acquitted of the totally unethical
shit he did, the fact that our next presidential election will be between two
old white men in their 70s and oh yeah, this fucking COEVID-19, things have NOT
been fun.
But
you are here in hopes to get away from that for maybe an hour or less
(depending on your reading speed) so let’s talk about this film that barely won
my last poll and will be the last of these normal polls of films I own being
nominated for a while since next month starts the summer of me nominating films
that I have heard plenty of people wanting me to cover. And that film is of
course, Queen of Outer Space.
So
this film started as a ten page idea bought by a guy who had just gotten out of
prison after shooting an agent in the groin after finding out that agent was
sleeping with the guy’s wife. And of course the only work this guy who just got
out of prison could get was with a low rent company called Allied Artists. This
ten page idea was called Queen of the Universe and was a satirical look at a
planet run by women….because 1950s everyone. After that, the movie went around
to a few producers since someone in the studio took it away from the guy who
had shot the agent and was also going to use tropes from other science fiction
films at the time to flesh out the story and cast Edward Bernds (who directed
episodes of The Three Stooges and Bowery Boys)
And
the star of this film would be celebrity (who was basically famous for just
being famous) Zsa Zsa Gabor. Of course the best thing I could remember about
Zsa Zsa was that cameo in Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors where she
got killed by Dick Cavett who turned into Freddy Krueger while telling Zsa Zsa
“Who gives a fuck what you think?” and then Freddy kills a girl whose dream
this all was with the famous line “Welcome to primetime, bitch.”
To
fill out the cast were Eric Fleming, a few stage actors, a real life acting
couple at the time, and of course a bunch of models who were all younger than
Zsa Zsa Gabor, which did not make Zsa Zsa Gabor happy since many in the crew
were looking at all the attractive ladies that were younger than her and
ultimately she apparently became a pain in the ass to work with in this film. One
of those young ladies hired was a young Lynn Cartwright, who we have talked
about on this show since she was in The Garbage Pail Kids movie.
With
that out of the way, let’s get to the movie.
We
start off with a rocket preparing to launch.
But
of course, it won’t launch yet since the crew isn’t on board. Here we meet our
three crew members: Captain Neal Patterson, Lieutenant Mike Cruze, and
Lieutenant Larry Turner.
In
That Order, Left To Right
They
are let in to meet their commander (no name given) and Professor Konrad. Their
mission is of course to escort Konrad here to Space Station A. Of course, this
team was hoping to explore Mars, but the commander says they’ll get that
chance, but this mission is more important at this time.
Then
we go to a the rocket and Mike is complaining that this is not a mission worth
pursuing as this is too routine as basically a taxi to a bus depot. Of course,
as he is complaining about this mission, Konrad comes in and overhears a bit of
it. Mike apologizes and Konrad says that it is alright as the space station is
basically like a bus depot and lists the important stuff of bus depots. Konrad
is about to smoke a cigarette, but Neal stops him since the rocket is fueling
up and any fire would cause the rocket to explode. Konrad shakes his head and
admits to forgetting about that. Neal wonders where Larry is and Mike looks out
the window and shows them where he is.
Which
Is Making Out With A Girlfriend
She
is worried about the mission, but Larry says it is too important for him not to
go and will miss her, and they make out some more. Neal is tired of this and
orders Larry onto the rocket via intercom. And if you are wondering how this
rocket flight works, basically the three members of the crew are seat belted
into chairs while Konrad is strapped into a nearby bed.
There,
Now Konrad Is Completely At Their Mercy.
I
kid, of course. It finally is time for lift off and of course, the girl gets a
bit blown away by the wind of the rocket.
They
talk about the past and we find out that this movie is taking place in the year
1985(oh, great…..I was only a year old at that time). We also found out that
the space station apparently made some disturbing observations and we have some
deadly neighbors in outer space. Then suddenly a cartoon ray of light is flying
around.
This Looks Like A Job For Superman
Of
course this beam ends up hitting and destroying the space station.
Konrad
is very upset as many innocent lives just got snuffed out by that destruction,
but they can’t sulk to long as the beam is heading towards them as well.
They
try to get away, but the beam eventually hits them.
The
ship finally starts going down and time
for everyone to show off what their face would be if their brain was melting.
I
Think The Captain Has The Rest Of You Beat
And
we finally get the opening title card to this movie.
FIFTEEN
FREAKING MINUTES IN!!!!
They
crash land on a planet.
And
If You Think It Is Mars Thanks To The Polar Ice Caps, You Would Be Incorrect.
The
crew wakes up and fixes Neal as he has a injury to the head, which is a
concussion. Of course, back until recently aka the TWENTY FIRST CENTURY, we
thought concussions just gave you a simple headache.
They
wonder if they are on a planet or heaven with the snow. They eventually deduce
they are on a planet and are grateful to find out that somehow, the air on this
planet is breathable.
And
Trees
The
professor then explains that they are on the planet Venus. Back in the 50s and
60s….there were several films that thought “Oh, Venus might be a fine planet
for life”. And yes, before you ask…..this was even while we knew that Venus was
too hot and the air was unbreathable. But of course, we didn’t give a shit.
Neal
wonders if there is any intelligent life on this planet, to which Konrad
responds that he does not know. Then they hear some strange noise and wonder
what it is. Konrad thinks it may be an electronic signal of some kind, which
means there may be intelligent life on this planet. Larry talks about green
aliens that he read in a comic once about the planet Venus.
Afterwards,
they make a fire and Konrad is rightfully still upset about the people on the space
station who have obviously died due to the blast. Larry again talks about the
green aliens and Mike jokingly asks why Larry ever left that job as Master of
Ceremonies at the House of Horrors. Neal then asks who is going to take the
first watch and Larry volunteers since he can’t get any sleep.
The
next day, it is obvious at some point Mike took over, but wouldn’t you know
it….
Mike
Fell Asleep On The Job
This
blunder allows a bunch of women to surround these men with their guns and take
them captive.
We
find out that the women can somehow speak English yet have strange Venusian
words as well. Then we go to some buildings that are supposed to be the palace
of these women from Venus, but really it is probably a place in a European
country, most likely Greece.
They
are taking to the courtroom and one woman attacks Mike for some unknown reason,
while screaming how “she hates them”.
Konrad
thinks they definitely don’t like strangers, Neal thinks they don’t like men
and then Larry wonders where all the men are. They are sent to the middle of
this court and our Earthlings wonder if they are being looked over. Of course,
we know Larry is looking at them as well, including one that he is really
attracted to.
Who
By The Way, Is That Actor’s Wife
Konrad
wonders if this is a civilization without sex and when Larry wonders if that is
really what he calls a civilization, Konrad says no. Yes, because sex is the
most important thing that matters in a civilization. Again, this is the 1950s
male chauvinistic mind talking, which is what this film is since this is
supposed to be a satire of how they think a planet run by women would be a bad
idea. Even as a guy, I find this kind of thinking a bit sexist.
And
we finally meet the queen of this planet named Yllana.
And
Boy That Is A Terrible Mask. So Bad That When She Talks, You Have To Squint For
A Minute To See Her Lips Moving In It.
They
immediately explain how they can speak their language as they monitored them to
understand their language. Neal tries to explain how the crash landed on their
planet and would like a way to get back home, but of course, Yllana thinks they
are spies from Earth and thinks they want to harm these women of Venus. Yllana
even uses the evidence of their first reaction to seeing them is to go for
their guns, but fails to mention the fact that well, the ladies had guns at
them first so what did you expect. Yllana and her council leave and she says
they will decide their fate. So if you timed that, it was basically 30 minutes
before we met our titular queen.
That
one lady who Larry was looking at goes off to a lab where we meet Zsa Zsa
Gabor’s character named Talleah.
And
The Blonde’s Name Is Motiya And The Brunette Behind Is Named Kaeel.
They
are of course secretly part of a revolution to usurp Queen Yllana as they
believe she is too cruel. And if you want to know how they can believe the men
are on a peaceful message, Motiya says that the one man’s eyes spoke the truth
and you can obviously see that Larry’s attractions of Motiya is reciprocated.
And
Talleah Has That Very Thick Hungarian Accent That Zsa Zsa Gabor Can Do.
Meanwhile,
the men are returned to the courtroom and the Queen finds them guilty of
espionage. Neal and Konrad again reiterate that they are here on peaceful means
and Larry says they should “knock off this Gestapo stuff and be a little more
friendly”.
Larry,
Please Shut The Hell Up
Of
course, they are taken away with Yllana saying that they will all die after
Mike makes a joke about how okay he is. The Earthmen are put in their cell and
Mike makes a joke about how this is a great place to visit, but not live in.
Larry wonders why the council and the Queen wear those masks. Konrad thinks it
may be for the same reason people in the Far East make their wives where veils.
Larry thinks that these women must be knockouts. Konrad thinks they may be
attractive to people like Larry, but for someone like him, he sees a sense of
foreboding in them as if they are monstrous or evil. Neal feels the same way
and admits that he thinks the fact that they are on this planet was not an
accident, to which Konrad agrees. After Mike asks, Neal thinks the ray that
destroyed the space station and knocked them to this planet may have originated
from Venus. Mike finds it preposterous because like this film has said many
times, how can women do something like that with Larry wondering even if they
did invent it, how could they aim it because they can’t drive well.
That
Sure Is Some Grade A Sexism
After
all that nonsense, Talleah shows up and pretends to be a person delivering the
prisoners their food.
And
As Probably Stipulated In The Contract, All The Men Must Be Immediately
Attracted To Her.
She
gives them food and drink and explains how she is part of a secret resistance
against Queen Yllana as she is cruel and warlike. She warns the men that their
lives are in grave danger and maybe she can help. Neal doesn’t want to put
someone like Talleah in any danger, but Talleah is insistent that she help. She
says they can help each other as she knows the evil queen has plans to destroy
Earth. Mike thinks they have no way to destroy Earth and Talleah says they
should not underestimate her. She explains that ten years ago, Venus was at war
with the planet Mordo and despite being a cruel war with Venus almost losing,
Mordo was destroyed. Then a revolution happened led by Yllana and all the men
(save for mathematicians and scientists who are prisoners on a moon) were
destroyed. The men eventually have to admit all of this is probably true and
they have to stop Yllana.
Guards
come by and Talleah hides. Apparently, Yllana wants to speak with Neal alone.
The others tell him to try and use his charms on Yllana in hopes of saving
them. He of course goes to do so and we see that Talleah is jealous as she has
the hots for Neal too.
And
before you think there is no way that Yllana is that dumb to have eyes for one
of the men who she considers spies.
You
Need To Remember What Era This Is.
Through
the moves each of them play with each other, Neal tries to get Yllana to
reconsider her position on destroying the Earth, but Yllana is still insistent
on destroying the Earth. Neal also wants her to take off the mask so she can
see her lovely face, but the queen doesn’t want to. We see Yllana is completely
off her rocker as far as her hatred and she even shows off her Beta
Disintegrator, which she plans on using to destroy Earth.
In
A Scene That Was Deleted And Never Recovered, But Told By The Director And
Several Others Who Made The Movie, Yllana Uses The Disintegrator To Destroy The
Prison Satellite That Holds The Surviving Venus Men Because One Of Them Attempted
To Lead A Revolt Against Her.
When
Neal finally is able to get the mask off of Yllana, he sees much to his horror
why she wears the mask.
She
has the guards send Neal back to his cell. After that, she looks in the mirror
at her destroyed face and cries.
Neal
is back with the others and explains that atomic radiation destroyed her face
and mind. Konrad says it makes sense why she hates men and wars. Neal is upset
as he should have known about all of this, but Konrad tells him that he
shouldn’t blame himself as not even the queen’s own subjects knew of her face.
Neal just says that he failed. Two women come in and as the men go to bum rush
them in a last attempt to escape, the two women reveal that there are with
Talleah and she wants to see them.
When
they get to Talleah’s lab, they are all glad to be together with the obvious pairings
showing as Talleah is with Neal, Motiya is with Larry, Kaeel is with Mike, and
Konrad has no one. Talleah explains that Yllana plans to destroy the Earth in
two days. Kaeel reveals that the Beta Disintegrator is held way deep in the
jungle and is well guarded. Neal offers for the men to go and take care of this
Beta Disintegrator, but at this point, Talleah, Motiya, and Kaeel want to help
as well. The men are given weapons when it is obviously revealed that the
others know that the men escaped so Talleah has all of them go and hide.
After
a look through, they leave as one of them thinks the men went elsewhere. Then
we get some Scooby Doo level hiding in an attempt to escape before they do
escape.
Meanwhile,
Yllana wants the Earth men found and some of the guards bring in someone who
they think may have helped them escape.
Yllana
even says as much and tells Odeena to leave. But since we know the queen is
insanely evil, when Odeena goes to leave, Yllana kills her with one of the ray
guns.
The
men and the women of the resistance all hide out in a nearby cave. We then find
out that the cave are made of metallic substance and that the metal is gold.
Oh
and in this planet, gold is worthless. Meanwhile, Larry ventures off and gets
attacked by a giant spider.
They
quickly kill the spider.
All
the couples start making out while Konrad goes to get some more wood for the
fire.
While
outside the cave, Konrad notices the other women in Venus still looking for
them, but now they are looking for them in that area. Konrad tells the others
and they all realize that eventually, they will be discovered and this whole
revolution will be for naught. Because of that, they decide to stage a capture
where Talleah, Motiya, and Kaeel stage a capture to make it look like they have
captured the men. They take the Earth men to Queen Yllana. The three have the
guards remain outside while they go with the prisoners. Yllana says that she is
disappointed in Neal for trying to escape and Neal said she would perhaps be
more disappointed if they didn’t try, which Yllana agrees with. She says she
will get the pure pleasure of watching them watch while the Earth is destroyed
and then the four will be executed. Talleah then turns on the queen to reveal
that this was all a ruse in hopes of ending all of this and to free the men in
Tytos 4 (you know the ones that were cooked in that deleted scene, but are
alive now because it was deleted). But of course, Talleah also has Motiya and
Kaeel talk to the other hidden usurpers in case a plan B is needed.
Yllana
tries to attack them with a hidden ray gun in her pillows, but she is captured,
bound, and gagged while Talleah takes the mask to try and pretend to be the
queen.
The
council tries to come in and Talleah (as Queen Yllana) tries to send them away.
Unfortunately, her hair and accent cause them a bit of confusion over the
order. It fails when Yllana knocks down the blinds that they hid her in so
Talleah is captured and the men are now re-captured
Ylanna
makes new orders that Talleah will die last while watching Neal and the others
die in front of her. She tries one more time to get Neal to be her concubine,
but Neal refuses. The prisoners are taken to the Beta Disintegrator, which we
were told was in the jungle, but it is now in the queen’s palace.
The
queen then puts Earth on a screen and laughs, while telling them that they get
to watch Earth’s destruction. Unfortunately, as Yllana is gloating in her plan,
she did not realize that Motiya and Kaeel have rounded up the others and
committed….
Yllana
makes one last ditch effort to manually control the beam, but her to blow up
with the machine.
Meanwhile,
the resistance has overpowered the loyalists and now Earth is saved from
destruction while Venus is saved from tyranny.
After
that, Talleah is the new queen, the men’s spaceship is fixed, and the men get
ready to say their goodbyes to the women who they have madly fallen in love
with. The men vow they will come back though. However, they get a message from
their commander.
The
commander tells them that they are to stay in Venus as Earth representatives
until such time as an Earth spacecraft can make it to the planet, which will be
a year. This means Neal can be with Talleah, Mike can be with Kaeel, Larry can
be with Motiya, and Konrad can have his pick of the rest.
And
that is the end of the film.
And
this will be rare as when this film came out, most of the critics liked it
since they had such a low bar on science fiction that they were okay with it
because it had sexy babes. Only the National Legion of Decency made a fuss and
just like we do today with most of those moral rights people on films, they
were ignored for the most part. As far as box office goes, I can’t find any
info on how it did. And this will be the first where the film was originally
liked, but time has been extremely unkind to this film and now it is considered
one of the worst films of the 50s, but yet a cult classic.
Unfortunately,
with more than 60 years since this film happened, many people are no longer
with us. Eric Fleming (who played Neal) drowned in the Huallaga River in Peru
in 1966 at the age of 41 while filming for a planned TV show. Paul Birch (who
played Konrad) left the world in 1969 at the age of 57. Patrick Waltz (who
played Larry) died of a heart attack in 1972 at the age of 47. Dave Willock
(who played Mike) died in 1990 at the age of 81 after complications from a
stroke. Marilyn Buferd (who played Odeena) died in 1990 at the age of 65. Edward
Bernds (the director) died in 2000 at the age of 94 from natural causes. Coleen
Drake (who played one of the Venusian girls in her only role) died in 2002 at
the age of 76. As everyone knows from the Garbage Pail Kids induction, Lynn
Cartwright (who played one of the Venusian girls) died in 2004 at the age of 76
from dementia. Marjorie Durant (who played one of the Venusian girls) died in
2015 at the age of 86. Zsa Zsa Gabor (who played Talleah) suffered a heart
attack in 2016 at the age of 99 and it killed her. Laurie Mitchell (who played
Yllana) passed away due to natural causes at the age of 90 in 2018.
Only
one person did something after this and that was Lisa Davis (who played Motiya
and was Patrick Waltz’s husband until his death) did voice acted in the 1961
film 101 Dalmatians as Roger’s lovely wife Anita.
Now
for my feelings on the film and yeah, it isn’t good. It is very misogynistic
and I say this as a guy. While the makeup for Yllana’s face was good, most of
the effects were really bad. Zsa Zsa Gabor shows why she is a celebrity for
just being a celebrity as she is not a good actress in this. And they really
did not show the Venusians as anything separate from the Earthlings other than
the Venusians are women and the Earthlings are men. And for being a satirical
film, I didn’t get much laughter out of it. Definitely an easy watch though as
it breezes by on the plot and something that could easily be watched on Monster
Vision with commercials (which is where I first saw the film). So….I can sort
of understand this being a sort of cult classic.
And
now that we are done with that. NegaSeth is going to be taking the summer off
again and I will be watching films from you, the fans. And the movie decided is a film that was highlighted on MST3K during the Netflix days.
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