Monster Crap: Gamera vs. Jiger (1970)

Monster Crap Inductee: Gamera vs. Jiger

Get The Hell Out Of Jiger’s Way

1970

We have not gotten off to a good start to 2020. Shocking deaths, acquittals of President without getting evidence, and some of some really bad movies (including one that already may be stuck in the worst of the year spot (it is that bad)) have made us worry about 2020 will hold for us later on. So of course, I thank you all for giving me a film that is not as hard to induct in a Gamera film of those early Gamera films, It’s my favorite.

But before we begin with the induction, let’s talk about people who were in previous inductions and 3 of the 4 were in other Gamera films. First, we have Akira Natsuki, who was in all the Gamera vs. films, but all of them are rather small roles so no picture. Then we have Junko Yoshiro, who was in Gamera vs. Viras as Masako Shibata (again no picture). And of the returning Gamera, we have Koh Ohmura who was….oh no.

Annoying Ass Officer Kondo From Gamera vs. Guiron

As for the one guy who was not in a Gamera film, but still one I inducted, that  Franz Gruber.

He Was Dr. Berman (Doctor With Bad German Accent) In The X From Outer Space. You Know, The One With The Space Pollen Monster That Looks Like A Space Chicken.

And with that, let’s begin this induction.

We begin this film with Gamera next to an active volcano and the opening title sequence.

Then as the opening credits are shown and the Gamera theme song play, we see stock footage from past Gamera battles against Barugon, Gyaos, Viras, and Guiron. We then meet our annoying kid for the film, named Hiroshi, his big sister named Miwako, and their dad who is just named Dad.

Apparently, Miwako has a boyfriend named Keisuke and he is late picking up Miwako and Hiroshi to show them around the Expo ’70 World Fair, with Hiroshi being more upset about it because he really wants to go to the world fair than the girl who is actually dating the late schmuck. Dad needs Hiroshi to help him with a small submarine he is making and…

With That Welder Being Nearby To The Dad And Kid, This Movie Is Really Close To Shaking Hands With Danger Here.

Of course we also learn the submarine can’t go too deep as it can only go three feet deep before pressure messes it up, which is really shallow as hell. Anyway, the dad explains that the sub is just going to be for kids at the Expo and won’t be in any real diving situation. Finally, Keisuke arrives which Hiroshi is excited about.

Keisuke explains his lateness on a traffic jam, which considering there being a Expo World Fair, makes sense as those things do tend to be crowded. Yeah, the world fairs still happen today, they just don’t really happen in the US as the last one in the US was in 1984 (part of one was planned for Chicago in 1992, but it was cancelled).

And this World Fair would have the infamous Godzilla vs. Gamera stage show that was put on by both Toho and Daiei, which would almost seem impossible to happen considering they are two rival studios. Heck, for many years (until a few pictures showed up), it was thought to have been an urban myth, because if it did happen, maybe someone would have recorded something this massive for future posterity, but it wasn’t as the companies didn’t see it as a big freaking deal back then and other than a few pictures (which were found in more recent years) that show it was a real freaking thing that happened, no one will ever know what it really was about, except for people in random monster suits from both franchises.

We then see a picture of a statue that was in Wester Island in the South Pacific, but is going to be moved here to be part of the World Fair.

Meanwhile, we get explanations of the World Fair.

Oh Yes….This Movie Is Actually Filming At The World Fair So They Are Going To Explain Exactly In Excruciating Detail What This Fair Is.

Keisuke gets called back to his office as apparently representatives of Wester Island are not happy about the statue being moved here, thinking that disturbing the area where the statue was will cause about some giant monster to appear. Oh and it is an African representative from Wester Island. Now before you worry about the representative being a Japanese person in black face…

Thanks, King Kong Vs. Godzilla.

Also Thanks, Ganguro Sub-Culture For Us Still Having To Worry About This In Japan

But anyway, we actually have a black actor playing the African representative of Wester Island.

And yes, even though Japan had the Wester Island government’s approval on the moving of the statue, this representative is still pissed and thinks the curse will happen. So Keisuke has to do a slide show for the representative in hopes of calming him down. Basically the slide show is about mysterious rock formations and statues all over the world making us wonder about what life was like back in the day before we had written records of stuff. Oh and the statue in question of being moved is called the Devil’s Whistle.

With A Name Like That, That Isn’t Ominous One Bit

The African representative keeps yelling Jiger and leaves in anger over this. By the way, they haven’t moved the statue yet so let’s see the statue being moved.

But before that, let’s meet Dr. Williams and his son Tommy.

Yeah, This Is The Last Of These Gamera Films That Will Have White Kids Being Involved In The Story.

Oh and we also meet Susan (the younger daughter) and Dr. Williams’ wife (who doesn’t get a name).  

The statue starts getting moved, but Gamera appears.

The adults are all terrified, but of course the kids are like “Silly adults, don’t you know that Gamera is friend to all children?” But the adults are freaking idiots in this film and start wanting to shoot at the turtle who in movies’ past has shown to be peaceful…..except that one time he was mind controlled by Viras or that time he was in the first movie. But other than that, Gamera has been really nice, guys.

Also, Gamera does not want them to move that Devil’s Whistle so maybe that whole curse thing might be legit. They remove the Devil’s Whistle anyway and decide for extra measure to blow up the worksite after everyone leaves. Tom Baker (The Fourth Doctor), you can have this one.

You Know, The Very Powerful And The Very Stupid Have One Thing In Common. They Don’t Alter Their Views To Fit The Facts. They Alter The Facts To Fit Their View, Which Can Be Uncomfortable If You Happen To Be One Of Those Facts That Needs Altering.

As they are shooting Gamera for having the gall to want to stop the Devil’s Whistle from being moved and preparing to blow the site up, a volcano erupts and Gamera heads towards the volcano. Meanwhile, the humans land the Devil’s Whistle on the ship and prepare to transport it to the World Fair. The white kids are immediately back in Japan and see the small submarine and meet with their friend Hiroshi. They all want to have a dry run with the mini sub that can only go 3 feet and Dad just allows them to do so. Oh and the white kids believe their adults that Gamera is not friend to all children and that Hiroshi made them out to be fools in front of their parents. Of course, Hiroshi thinks Gamera had a reason for wanting the Devil’s Whistle not to be moved and hopes the curse talk is false.

And just as he says that, a storm happens in Wester Island to signify that the curse is very much real and that curse’s name is….

JIGER!!!!

Oh and to make matters worse for Japan, he is heading there to hopefully destroy that Devil’s Whistle before it imprisons him again. But Gamera has been waiting behind the volcano and tries to stop Jiger. And we get to see some of Jiger’s abilities like…

The Ability To Telekinetically Summon Rocks Into His Paw So He Can Throw Them

It Was A Big Rock

Or The Ability To Use Rockets On His Head Frills To Leap And Grab Gamera With His Tail So He Can Throw Him A Good Distance

Of course Gamera can also grab monsters and use his rockets to fly in the air and drop them.

Gamera starts pounding on Jiger, unaware that Jiger can also shoot spikes out of him.

Jiger knocks Gamera down and runs for Japan.

Meanwhile, the curse apparently doesn’t deal with just Jiger as everyone on the ship that is carrying the Devil’s Whistle (who freaking touched it) has fallen ill.

Of course the company helping get the statue to the World Fair gets random people to help get the statue as they aren’t afraid of any curse and the kids are confident that there is no curse. Meanwhile, a ship happens to be in Jiger’s way and gets destroyed.

Outta My Way…..I Have A Hentai Convention To Get To.

Damn it, Porno Pete….get off of this induction.

Oh and those workers who helped the statue get lifted up on choppers, the curse hits them too.

And suddenly Jiger arrives.

Jiger Is Here To Tell You That The Curse Is Very Real And He’s Here To Wreak Havoc

He starts by destroying the ship that had the statue for again, just being in his way.

Jiger Hates Stuff Being In His Way

Jiger flies and goes after the statue.

Unfortunately for Jiger, his rockets can only fly him so far and he falls onto a building.

This of course causes evacuations and the creature is called Jiger on the TVs. Hiroshi also says that obviously the Devil’s Whistle was placed on the buried monster to keep it at bay, which the adults think is preposterous. Oh and now Dad tells them they can’t take the statue to the World Fair if the monster is after it. Hiroshi wonders where Gamera is and we see Gamera still at Wester Island having trouble getting up after the spikes have basically punctured through his arms and legs.

Meanwhile, Jiger is fighting Japanese planes.

Yeah, Jiger Just Shoots His Spikes At Them

Then Jiger reveals a new ability which is his spikes can act as a gate and whatever the spikes surround will be demolished by a beam of light.

Using rocks, Gamera is finally able to get the spears out and Gamera flies away.

Hope I’m Not Too Late

Of course, Jiger hates the media and turns them all into skeletons with his beam.

If You Listen Closely, You Can Probably Hear Jiger Rambling About “Fake News”

Gamera finally arrives and starts to battle Jiger again, hoping this time goes better than last time. Gamera shows that he did learn from last time and uses a silo to cover Jiger’s horns so they can shoot spikes out of them.

We then have a silly moment of Jiger slingshoting Gamera away that only works if Gamera is not holding onto a crane to fling him away.

But it seems for the most part, Gamera has this won…..except Jiger has one more trick up his sleeve.

A Spike On His Tail To Stick Gamera With.

This spike is very effective and Gamera falls frozen, almost like he was dead…..which is very sad for the kids, who have to be ushered away for their protection.

Complete With Sad Music And Everything

At a building that has been named HQ for the Countermeasures against Jiger, the media is being kept out. But of course, that doesn’t stop Hiroshi and Tommy from sneaking in. Inside, we find out that plane trips and hotel reservations are already being cancelled because let’s be honest, not many people think it is worth the money to be part of an actual monster attack.

Meh, If This Was Happening Today, We Would Have Loads Of Idiots Being Out There Because Of YOLO. Like This Idiot Jet Skiing During Hurricane Sandy

HQ gets a call from Dr. Williams who talks about the strange sounds coming from the Devil’s Whistle. Meanwhile Jiger has decided to take a nap.

Hey, Even Kaiju Have To Take One After Causing So Much Chaos

The two kids interject and say the poison from the Devil’s Whistle (because apparently it was soaked in it) makes people sick on that ship and caused Jiger to be buried underground for so long…so use the poison. Of course, a scientist finds this stupid since no poison lasts over millions of years and of course, wants the kids kicked out. But the older gentleman tells them to listen to the kids and they have unadulterated knowledge.

Sir….There Is A Reason Kids Aren’t Running Our Damn Country.

I Mean Actual Kids, Not People With The Mind And Temperament Of A Child

Thankfully, the other scientist says they don’t have time for this thinking and basically ignores the old man. Oh, but Jiger has finally woken up from his nap and is heading towards the World Fair. But thankfully, the Devil’s Whistle is not at the Expo and is instead across the street from the Countermeasures HQ.

Or Uninhabited Mountain As They Call It, Which Is Right Near Some Actual Buildings. Someone Is An Idiot.

Jiger then comes up to the statue and throws it away.

Into The Ocean

And now since the last clue to defeating Jiger is underwater, they are clueless as to stop the monster though I’m sure they’ll sacrifice more jets and tanks and human lives in hopes of getting lucky. The kids say that the only thing left to do is to revive Gamera. They use super X-Rays on Gamera.

They explain that there is a dark shadow in Gamera’s lung that they think may be a parasite egg like a parasite that laid in egg in an elephant years ago.

They had to surgically remove the parasite to save the elephant since it couldn’t breathe so basically, they would have to go inside Gamera and remove the parasite from him. But that would be foolish, right? Well, not foolish to two kids which can borrow a submarine from one of their fathers.

So the kids lie and tell Hiroshi’s dad and sister that Tommy’s dad’s car is stuck in a ditch and they need their help to move it. After the adults have left, Hiroshi and Tommy tell Susan to give Keisuke a letter they wrote, but she finds what they said on the letter weird so she follows the kids and sees them take the submarine out to sea.

Alright, Time To Do Some Fantastic Voyaging Into Gamera. Choose If You Want To Listen To Lakeside’s “Fantastic Voyage” Or Coolio’s “Fantastic Voyage”….It Don’t Matter As Neither Song Existed When This Movie Was Made.

Keisuke finds out about this and thanks to a transceiver the kids took, he can contact them while the kids are in Gamera’s body. The adults on the other line have to talk the kids away from accidentally entering the stomach and getting dissolved by Gamera’s stomach acids, but not too much happens through most of the trip until they get to the lungs. They find shallow water so they exit the sub and make into onto dry land in Gamera’s lungs. While walking, the kids wonder what Gamera’s larva looks like and they don’t have to wait long before they get an answer.

Aww…It’s A Baby Jiger. Yeah, Gamera Might Need To Take Jiger With Him To An Episode Of Maury.

Maury: Jiger, DNA Tests Have Come Back And You Are The Father!!!

Gamera: Damn Right, That SOB Is The Father Of This Kid!!!

Jiger: I Know I Am!!! I’m The One Who Injected You With My Tail!!! Why The Hell Am I Even Here???!!!

Baby Jiger chases the two kids and it shoots out some snot.

Or At Least I Hope That Is Snot

The snot works like glue and Hiroshi is stuck to it. Apparently it is glue that does work for long as Hiroshi and Tommy are able to get back into the sub. Now if you are wondering how they defeat this Baby Jiger, you might want to sit down for this. Baby Jiger spews snot (which hits the transceiver); Hiroshi finds this disgusting and throws the transceiver at Baby Jiger; the phone gets stuck onto Baby Jiger; and the noise from the transceiver kills it.

Not Kidding, That Is What Happens

Since Baby Jiger is dead, the kids get in the submarine and get out of Gamera. We then learn that with low frequency waves, they can beat Jiger since its beams use high frequency waves. They also realize that it wasn’t poison that kept Jiger buried for all those years, but it was the Devil’s Whistle itself since the noise coming from it is a low frequency wave. Oh and there was no poison at all since it was just allergies to whatever was in the Devil’s Whistle.

Even John Cleese From Monty Python Thinks That Is Stupid

Look, I’m going to be honest with you. While this is my favorite of the early Gamera films, this film still has some moments that do feel like they were pulled so hard out of someone’s ass that it caused anal bleeding.

Yes, Michael Cole….I Said Anal Bleeding

They then receive word that Jiger is heading to HQ again. The adults want to plan Operation Speaker while the kids want to revive Gamera. The adults then agree to revive Gamera. The kids then take the sub back into Gamera’s body wires in hopes of waking him up and low frequency waves are being used on a sleeping Jiger.

Yep, Jiger Is Like Your Dog That Has Three Modes, Outside, Food, And Sleep

Well, good news and bad news. Good news is Gamera is finally awake. Bad news is that to wake Gamera, it took all of the electricity and now the speakers blaring low frequency waves are out.

And Jiger Is Not Too Happy At The Humans Trying To Kill Him.

With Gamera awaken, he decides that Jiger has to finally go down. Jiger tries shooting out his spikes, but Gamera goes into his shell and somehow is able to roll his shell on the side.

Jiger then tries to use his high frequency waves and Gamera actually seems to be in trouble. But since it is really just high frequency waves, all Gamera needs to do is plug his ears.

There….Sure Glad I Don’t Look Stupid In This

Yeah, I had to use the MST3K quote that has been shown by so many people because yes, Gamera looks freaking ridiculous.

You Look Stupid

Gamera starts breathing fire and Jiger tries to run, but Gamera steps on his tail. Jiger tries to stick Gamera again with his tail that has a new spike on it, but Gamera grabs something that looks like a giant club and beats Jiger’s tail with it.

Man, Having To Describe Kaiju Battles Is Hard Because Of How Freaking Weird They Are If You Have To Think About It For A Second

Gamera then grabs Jiger By his tail and flies up before dropping Jiger on his head.

And Jiger Is Stuck To The Ground After The Fall Like A Freaking Cartoon

While Jiger tries to figure out how to get his head out of the ground, Gamera uses this time to go underwater and grab the Devil’s Whistle.

Jiger finally gets his head out of the ground, but Gamera comes back and Jiger sees Gamera is holding the Devil’s Whistle so he chases Gamera. After a few minutes, Gamera turns around and throws the Devil’s Whistle like a spear at Jiger.

And It Hits

Jiger is dead.

Yeah, He Is Done For

The humans celebrate the bloody murder of another monster as Gamera takes Jiger’s corpse to Wester Island so he can be reburied. Meanwhile, the humans decide that at the World Fair, they’ll just make a replica of the Devil’s Whistle instead.

Which If That Was An Option, You Should Have Done The Whole Time

And so we had the Expo ’70 World Fair commenced and it was all thanks to Gamera.

Enjoy The Godzilla Vs. Gamera Stage Show That Will Never Be Seen Again Because For Some Reason, No One In Japan Never Bothered Recording The Damn Thing

And the Gamera theme plays us out and the movie ends.

And that was Gamera vs. Jiger. Since not much is known about the cast from this film, the only person who I can report passed away is the director of this film in Noriaki Yuasa, who passed away in 2004 at the age of 71 from a stroke.

My final thoughts are…I still like the film despite some of the silly moments. Jiger was a legit villain that it took Gamera several times to be able to beat because Jiger did have weapons that could beat Gamera. The kids were not used as hostages and actually saved Gamera from what seemed like certain death with that parasitic incident. It’s not perfect or anything that would not be considered crap overall (we would have to wait until the Heisei Era before we would get Gamera films that weren’t crap), but of the films, it wasn’t a bad choice.

Good To See That You Are Done With Your Enjoyment Because I Have A Film You Won’t Enjoy.

Let’s see what you got.

Do you know what month is upcoming?

Yeah, March is next.

And because it is March, it is time you continue into the Leprechaun series with the last film that had Warwick Davies in it.

Crap….

Yep…Time For What May Be The Real Worst Of The Leprechaun Series (If You Count Out Leprechaun Origins)