What
A Dump Of A Movie.
1987
Well,
we have gone into an abyss of crap. A movie where nothing good came out of it.
A movie where basically everyone who was in this film hides this film in their
resume. A film that ended careers and relationships. So how do we begin?
Well,
we begin with Cabbage Patch Kids.
Originally
the Little People (the building where they were created is an actual Children’s
Hospital now called Babyland General) in 1978 and changed officially to what we
all know it as in 1982, Cabbage Patch Kids is one of longest running doll
franchises in history. It was all the rage for kids in the 80s with not only
dolls, but board games, cartoons, and record albums. It also has been passed
around a lot as far as who owns them goes. They have been owned by Coleco,
Hasbro, Mattel, Toys R’ Us, Play Along Toys, Jakks Pacific, and currently,
Wicked Cool Toys. I could go into more (like how in 2008, the Presidential and
Vice Presidential candidates had their own dolls), but that would take forever.
But
with success comes parody, so in 1985, Topps Card Company decided to parody
Cabbage Patch Kids with trading cards called Garbage Pail Kids. And wouldn’t
you know it, that became a success too. They of course went on to have cartoons
and this movie. But unlike Cabbage Patch Kids, the attempts at further
franchising outside of cards was not so well received. That cartoon I talked
about was supposedly so hated by parents, that it never aired and only was
officially made available with a DVD of the series in 2006. Then, we have this
movie and oh, boy do we have a bad movie. But we’ll get to more of the film as
we go along.
For
director, they got a guy who basically directed and produced TV shows in Rod
Amateau. He directed episodes for such TV shows as The Dukes of Hazzards,
Mister Ed, The Bob Cummings Show, The George Burns & Gracie Allen Show, The
Many Loves Of Dobie Gillis, among others. But there is one show that I need to
mention above all others that he worked on and that is a little show called My
Mother, The Car.
Yes,
This Is Real…And It Is What Your Insane Ideas Would Expect It To Be Which Is
That A Dead Mother Gets Resurrected Into A Car. Oh 80s, Sometimes You Can Be So
Ludicrous.
This
movie would star Academy Award nominated…..songwriter in Anthony Newley and
Sean Astin….’s brother Mackenzie Astin. Interestingly enough, Mackenzie Astin
tried out and got the part without his father knowing about it and when his
father John Astin found out, he tried to get his son out of the film because he
read the script and he did not like it.
The
effects were done by our old pal John Carl Buechler (who you may remember from
past inductions Friday The 13th Part VII: The New Blood, all three
Ghoulies movies I have inducted, Demonic Toys, and of course, The Mummy’s
Kiss). Interestingly enough, he was in talks to direct the film and his idea
was it would be a horror movie about dolls who were turned into serial killers
by radioactive sludge. But of course,
someone wanted this to be a family picture and that horror idea (which probably
would have been better) was scrapped.
Oh
and we do have a few returning stars from Monster Crap past. One of them is
Phil Fondacaro (from Ghoulies 2, Evil Bong, and Hellraiser: Bloodline
(uncredited)). Not that it really matters for him because he is just the man in
the costume and doesn’t get to speak at all (someone else voices his
character). Another person is Kevin Thompson (who was also in costume) as he
was one of the Oompah Loompahs in Epic Movie.
And
with that out of the way, it is time for me to show what nightmare NegaSeth has
wrought for me to induct.
So
we start out this movie like many good 80s film did in showing the title of the
film and the opening credits….
IN
SPACE!!!!!!
Then
cards start flying at us to reveal the stars.
Collect
Them All….Or Don’t Because This Movie Is Bad
Then
we reveal some of the Garbage Pail Kids cards of the Garbage Pail Kids that
will be in this film.
Well,
Three Of Them As We See A Garbage Pail Space Ship Heading To Earth
We
then get more cards.
We
go to an antique shop with a garbage pail that is spewing slime.
Oh
and all these paintings in this film for some reason have eye holes with moving
eyes so you would thing the antiques shop is either haunted or the home of a
cult of peepers.
We
hear voices of characters who are obviously sneaking around the place and then
having fun. Suddenly, an older voice comes up the stairs and wonders what is
going on downstairs before saying that “if I catches anyone up here, I’ll be very
surprised”. We then see one of those voices in form closing the garbage pail as
they hide.
So
the voice of the older gentleman sarcastically wonders what is going on before
placing an old aquanaut helmet over the closed garbage pail.
The
next day, we go to the streets at night as a kid named Dodger is being chased
by two people who I am assuming are part of an adult gang that is wearing some
of the worst fashion of the 80s.
Their
names are Wally and Blythe and he runs into the leader of this gang named
Juice.
The
gang steals the kid’s money and then throw him into a mud puddle.
Juice
and the gang leave as the kid is obviously in need of a shower.
That
night, the kid goes to where he works which is Manzini’s Antique Shop (the shop
we saw earlier) and Captain Manzini (the owner) tries to console the kid. Dodger
wonders why they can never use the garbage pail. Manzini tells the kid that as
long as the kid has worked there, Manzini has never restricted the kid from
touching things, but he is restricting the kid from using the garbage pail. He
makes the kid wear a dashiki, which is what men wear in Africa.
Manzini
also asks if the kid reported it to the police and he said the last guy who
snitched on Juice met a bad end. We find out that Manzini has some magical
powers as he is able to some appliances to wash Dodger’s clothes all on their
own.
Manzini
talks about how what many people consider junk is actually a diary of the human
spirit. He reads part of a book and says that it is more than a book as it is a
testament to love. He even shows the kid an old fan that was an early form of
air conditioning as well as a tool of romance.
Dodger
starts playing with a sword and nearly knocks over the garbage pail, but
Manzini stops it. Manzini explains to him about Pandora’s Box and says that
this is kind of like Pandora’s Box. The kid then goes out to paint a sale sign
on the window when Tangerine and some of her friends show up to window gaze at
some stuff. We then see why Juice’s gang might be beating up on this kid as he
has an attraction for Tangerine.
She
seems to be way older than him and the film makes it out that she is way older
than him too, which is kind of creepy. However, in real life, Kate Barberi was only one year older than
Mackenzie Astin and when the movie started production, they were dating in real
life. Now you may think they might have good memories of this film, but then
you remember this is The Garbage Pail Kids Movie and nothing good came out of
this. So, they broke up in the middle of making this film.
But
anyway, Dodger wanting to get with Tangerine is seen by the Juice and his gang
so they decide to try and teach Dodger a lesson again in their way. So there is
shenanigans of the gang chasing the kid around the shop like the Dodger showing
off some basketball skills and Wally looks like he has never seen a basketball
before.
As
this happening, the garbage pail falls over.
They
take the kid outside and take him into the sewers.
It
is there they try to kind drown him by opening one of the pipes and leaving him
stuck in there.
But
thankfully, Dodger is saved by people that we only see the feet of. Of course,
we hear their voices and they are the same people from earlier so you know they
are the Garbage Pail Kids. They dry the kid off as he opens his eyes and we
finally get the horror of the Garbage Pail Kids.
Yeah,
most of the costume works except for the animatronic heads which the special
effects team did not have enough time to finish them so the facial movements
were always having issues and the director decided that maybe at some point, they
may work as intended (they never did) and continued shooting without delay.
Dodger
wonders what they are and they feel insulted so they decided to cause havoc and
try to make a mess of the store. After a few minutes of more shenanigans and
Dodger trying to stop them, Manzini comes in and sees all of this.
He
tries to get them all to go back into the garbage pail, but they don’t want to.
He tries to get Dodger to get him the magic parts he needs for his spell to get
them. However, the ingredients aren’t widely so he will have to think of
another idea to get them back in the garbage pail. As he is being introduced to
them, we finally see the one that wasn’t shown earlier in Messie Tessie.
The
gimmick of the others is Valerie Vomit will vomit (although she only does it
once because of money), Windy Winston farts, Greaser Greg is just a greaser,
Ally Gator acts like an alligator, eat eyeballs, and wants to snack on people’s
toes, Foul Phil has bad breath, and Nat Nerd acts like a nerd, has a lot of
acne and pisses himself (a true insult to me and other nerds that the 80s thought
of us like this).
Manzini
tells Dodger that they need to keep them hidden until they find a way to get
the Garbage Pail Kids back into the garbage pail. Dodger takes a bath and yeah,
Ally Gator has to be told not to be biting his toes. We also get told that they
have to stay away from normies or normal people who think they are ugly.
Manzini says that true ugliness like greed is in the inside. Ugliness on the
outside aka with unusual features is merely an adventure. Nobody buys it and
Manzini says this is the worst time to come out with everyone focused on their
looks these days. Dodger of course says they aren’t ugly even though they
mention how he likes Tangerine, who they think is ugly. They also think he has
no chance with her. Dodger turns off the lights so the Garbage Pail Kids can
sleep.
We
then go to Tangerine’s place where she is getting ready to get all of these
outfits ready to sell since she is a wannabe fashion designer. Dodger comes by
and Tangerine apologizes for what Juice did to him yesterday, although she does
so with facial features that show she really doesn’t mean it. Tangerine reveals
that she is going to the dance club to sell her merchandise….even though she
probably doesn’t have a permit to vend there. Tangerine offers Dodger to come
along and help her, which Dodger accepts. She explains to them that whatever
the price is, if they want to sell for more than 5 dollars lower than the
asking price, then just don’t sell it. So, they get to the club and people do
want to buy the merchandise.
Tangerine
even sells the shirt she is wearing so we can see her in her bra.
Tangerine
puts on another t-shirt because of course you do. Juice’s van shows up and
Dodger decides he needs to hide.
Juice
drives off with Tangerine in her car and Juice’s goons follow suit in the van. Meanwhile,
the Garbage Pail Kids go looking for their apparent friends. Ally Gator says it
is time to eat and the rest of them agree. Valerie Vomit and Greaser Greg then
steal a Pepsi truck.
Oh
and they flatten Juice’s car.
They
meet with the rest of the kids in a alley with a trash fire and have their
food. Valerie talks about how they are the Pepsi Generation because yeah, I
think Pepsi paid for Product Placement in this film although I’m sure they have
regrets about doing so. We then have a few minutes of them complaining and it
really gave me a freaking headache.
Dodger
comes back with groceries and sees the Garbage Pail Kids all with ice packs
because they also gave themselves headaches as well.
They
then reveal that they can sew and have given him some new fashion that he can
help Tangerine sell.
Dodger
then goes over to Tangerine’s house with the clothes.
He
sees Juice there and decides to hide so Juice doesn’t see him when he leaves.
So
after Juice leaves, Dodger goes up to Tangerine’s place and walks right in.
He
shows off his threads to Tangerine and she is impressed. Dodger says he made
them and Tangerine wants to help sell them for him if he doesn’t mind. She
offers to help sell them if he makes a dozen like them and he accepts. He heads
back home and wants the Garbage Pail Kids to help him make a dozen suits. They
tell him to go home and they will give him the answer tomorrow. Then the
Garbage Pail Kids do a musical number called “Working With Each Other”
Oh
and they also break into a non-union sweat shop and steal some clothes there.
Dodger
comes over to the place with food for the Garbage Pail Kids and is impressed
that they already have 12 suits ready for him. They warn him that Tangerine is
trouble and he doesn’t listen. Manzini comes in and tells Dodger that he needs
to hold down the fort as he is going to a music parlor to hopefully find a
spell to put the Garbage Pail Kids back into the garbage pail. The Garbage Pail
Kids find a TV and don’t know how to get it to work. Then when Dodger comes
down, they actually try to hide that they are trying to get a TV to work.
They
plug the TV in, but it still doesn’t work. Messie Tessie sees that something is
loose so she tries to use her snot to fix it, which of course shocks her.
The
TV is now broken and they then want to have some fun since all work and no play
does something.
So
they decide to go out and have some fun. They don’t want to get captured so
they make some trench coats and hats.
So
they decide to go to the movies and as for them being able to drive, they have
these Suzuki ATVs.
They
go to a movie that is playing a Three Stooges movie. They also meet a drunken
hobo who after seeing them decides to stop drinking.
Most
of the gang sneak into the movie theater and of course decide to be horrible
movie goers, being rude and stealing other people’s food.
Meanwhile,
Ally Gator and Windy Winston decide to go to a bar. There they cause some
issues because Ally Gator decides to bite some guy’s toes.
They
decide that they may want to make some alligator shoes.
Windy
comes in through a window and starts beating up some guys.
One
biker calms things down and says the “little sucker’s got guts”. So they all
are cool now.
Back
in the theater, Messie Tessie sneezes popcorn onto people.
Back
to the bikers, they go on a bikers parade around the city with Ally and
Winston.
They
come back at the antiques shop and the others are already back. Dodger thanks
the bikers for escorting Ally and Winston back home with Ally being drunk.
As
Greg puts the ATVs away, we see that Juice and his gang (sans Tangerine) know
they exist.
Ally
Gator is summoned by Manzini and Manzini tells him as a natural leader of the
Garbage Pail Kids, he is setting a horrible example. He then makes Ally swear a
solemn oath to stay out of trouble and refrain from eating people’s toes. After
he does this oath, Ally asks Manzini that if he were as smart as he believes
himself to be, why he would take the word of a talking alligator.
Then
we get a montage of the Garbage Pail Kids playing with the sewer pipes so stuff
happens with the main theme song “You Can Be A Garbage Pail Kid” by Jimmy
Scarlet and The Dimensions.
Meanwhile,
Manzini is trying to create a singing spell that he believes will make the
Garbage Pail Kids go back into the garbage pail. Meanwhile, the kids are now
with Dodger and think that Tangerine is on his mind. But besides that, we also
find out that Dodger is worried about the kids and what will happen to them. They
of course admit that they are scared that their friends that are missing might
die. Finally, we get first mention of the State Home For The Ugly and oh dear
god, when we get to that, I just want to remind you that they thought this
would be a good topic to talk with kids about. Dodger can’t believe a place
like that exists, but Manzini comes in and explains that it does exist. He
basically says that he was willing to close his eyes to things he couldn’t see,
but now his eyes are wide open to the horrors. They then decide that they are
going to find the place.
Meanwhile,
we see catchers for the State Home For The Ugly net somebody up, but it’s just
a girl in a mask so they let her go.
We
haven’t even gotten to the worst of it in making you think how the hell can a
place like this exist. Manzini and Dodger sneak onto the truck and the truck
leads them straight to the place that again, makes no attempt to keep itself
secret.
Now
that they know that the place exists, they plan to wait until dark to sneak in.
Unfortunately, that takes a backseat because that old Tangerine plot decides it
wants to be the focus again. Dodger comes by with the clothes and the two go
out to sell them.
After
they sell the clothes, Tangerine wants more clothes for next time. Then we see
that Juice and the gang are okay with Tangerine making Dodger think she has
feelings for him as it is against his principles to let the creep live, but
money talks. Dodger comes to talk to Tangerine after she gets out of Juice’s
van and then she sees the Garbage Pail Kids as they also decide to come out.
Dodger reveals that they are helping him with the clothes and they aren’t that
bad once you get to know them.
Of
course, they show Tangerine how they make the clothes while another song called
“One Down, Two Down” by Hakim and Lady Dianna plays. After Tangerine leaves
with Dodger she reveals that McBundy’s Department Store will be giving her a
whole fashion show so she needs more clothes by tomorrow with the promise that
she won’t tell anyone about the Garbage Pail Kids. She leaves and goes straight
to Juice, who is hidden.
The
Garbage Pail Kids tell Dodger that they aren’t doing any more work until he
helps them find their friends. Dodger reveals they found the State Home For The
Ugly and the place is like a fortress so he and Manzini are trying to figure
out how to get in. But he says that in the meantime, they need to help Dodger
make the clothes for Tangerine’s fashion show. But they say if he doesn’t go
through for them, there will be garbage on his head and Ally Gator threatens to
bite his toes.
That
night, Manzini and Dodger think the best idea is to go right through the front
door. They are told to go away.
The
next day, we see Dodger and Tangerine preparing signs for the fashion show.
That
night, Tangerine and Dodger come by to get the clothes and Tangerine is kind of
mean to the Garbage Pail Kids. After getting the clothes and leaving, the kids
want to go to the fashion show. Dodger worries about them getting caught, but
Valerie says they won’t. When Dodger is with Tangerine outside, she hates the
idea and locks the door so they cannot go.
The
kids find out they are locked in and they are sad that they got played. At the
department store, Tangerine gives Dodger the bags to go set up while she parks
the car.
Meanwhile,
Manzini is still trying to practice a musical spell that would put the kids
back into the garbage pail. He thinks he might have gotten it when suddenly, he
hears a knock at the door. He answers and immediately gets knocked out with
spray by Juice, Wally, and Blythe.
They
unlock the lock that is keeping the Garbage Pail Kids in the basement
(jeez….wonder where they got the key) and put the kids in bags.
Back
at McBundy’s, Tangerine is hopeful that host gets the fashion order correctly.
At
the State Home For The Ugly, we see that Juice and his goons have sold the
kidnapped kids to them for a few hundred dollars.
Afterwards,
Juice decides that they should head to the fashion show. We go inside the State
Home For The Ugly and…
The
Garbage Pail Kids are locked in a cage that says they are too gross. Foul Phil
talk about how they don’t see their friends there and Greaser Greg talks about
how they need to save themselves. Other people in the prison include a clown
(too silly), am Abraham Lincoln look-alike (too short), a fake Santa Claus (too
fat), Ghandhi (too bald), an old man (too old), a guy in a dress (too weird), a
caveman (too hairy), another guy (too pale), and most insulting of all, a man
with a cane (too crippled). All of this thing about “being not perfect and you
get locked up” is a really good idea to show to kids (that was sarcasm, of
course). And yet, this is still not the worst part of this whole thing.
The
worst part comes when the guard tells the other guard that they will be gone
soon and then makes hand movements that signals crushing.
Manzini
wakes up and realizes that the Garbage Pail Kids have been taken and he knows
where they have been taken too. At the dressing room of the fashion show, Juice
and the gang confront Dodger and reveal that they have taken away his friends.
Dodger finally realizes that Tangerine has been using him all this time with no
care at all, and he gets thrown in a dumpster by Wally and Blythe.
After
Dodger gets out of the dumpster, he rushes to save his friends. Meanwhile, we
see that Manzini got caught trying to get the kids out and he gets thrown out.
Manzini
thinks they have the children and then they show a garbage truck appearing. Manzini
thinks they may be too late.
Dodger
doesn’t think they are done and sneaks into the State Home For The Ugly. Meanwhile,
the fashion show begins.
Dodger
goes to the bar and tells the tough guys about the kids being in trouble. They
aren’t having it and go to save the kids.
Manzini
sneaks in again and sees the cages, realizing it is worse than he thought it
would be. A guard finds Manzini and Manzini knocks him out.
He
gets the keys and unlocks the cages. Meanwhile outside, the bikers use chains
to force a window wide open.
Everyone
escapes from the State Home For The Ugly and Manzini says that he thinks they
were too late to save the Garbage Pail Kids’ friends. Yes, we just got told the
friends of the kids were killed. Kids getting crushed to death by an
organization that will put anyone who has any flaw in cages….fun for the whole
family.
Manzini
thanks everyone and the Garbage Pail Kids want to go to the fashion show.
Dodger thinks that is a great idea as it is payback time. So they go to the
fashion show and ruin in with their antics.
Juice
and the gang try to intercede. Valerie tells Wally to make her day, which he
does by punching her. That was a bad mistake because for the one time in this
whole movie, Valerie vomits all over Wally and Blythe.
Dodger
charges and gets into a fight with Juice.
With
the help of several of the kids, Dodger knocks Juice out.
They
finally leave having proved their point. Tangerine tries to apologize to Dodger
for everything and wants to continue working with him since the fashion show
was a success (how??????), but Dodger sees the true ugliness inside her and
walks away from her.
Back
at the antiques shop, Manzini tries to use his musical spell that he thinks
will get the Garbage Pail Kids back into the garbage pail.
It
doesn’t work.
The
Garbage Pail Kids run off to cause more mayhem.
And
the film mercifully ends.
So
on a $1 million budget, the movie barely broke even in making $1.5 million. It
was a huge box office flop and killed any chance of a movie franchise that the
filmmakers were hoping for. As far as the critics go, it did much worse with
them…being considered one of the worst movies ever made. It also was nominated for three Razzies for Worst Original Song with that "You Can Be A Garbage Pail Kid" song, Worst Visual Effects, and Worst New Star(s). Jim Cummings (who
voiced Greaser Greg and Nat Nerd) considered it one of his biggest regrets. Although
considering some of the things Jim is accused of lately, I’m don’t think I
should necessarily feel sorry for him.
As
far as the cast and crew went, this was the directing job for Rod Amateau and
starring role for Anthony Newley (who played Manzini), who only stayed on
because he actually believed in the project. Phil Fondacaro (who is in the
Greaser Greg suit) would continue to be in low budget movies and for most of
them, he actually gets to speak. Jim Cummings still gets voice work. Debbie
Carrington (who was in the Valerie Vomit costume) would go on to play one of
the rebels named Thumbelina in 1990’s Total Recall. Lynn Cartwright (who played
the fashion host) would play older Dottie in a League of Their Own.
Unfortunately,
this induction is where a streak of no deaths ends. Anthony Newley (who played
Manzini) died in 1999 at the age of 67 from renal cancer. Lee Gordon (who
played one of the guards) lost his life in 2000 at the age of 78 due to cardiac
failure. Rod Amateu (the director) died from a cerebral hemorrhage in 2003 at
the age of 79. Lynn Cartwright (who played the fashion host) died in 2004 at
the age of 76 from complications from dementia. Susan Rossitto (who was in the
Messie Tessie costume) passed away in 2018 at the age of 56 from natural
causes. Debbie Lee Carrington (who was in the costume of Valerie Vomit) passed
away at the age of 58 in 2018 due to undetermined causes. John Carl Buechler (who did the visual effects) sadly died in March of this year at the age of 66 after an ugly battle with Stage IV prostrate cancer.
So
is it bad enough to be considered one of the worst movies of all time. Well,
unlike past inductions that get that moniker, this one deserves it and is one
of the worst films I have ever inducted. The humor is really low rent, the
costume heads only work when they want to, the vomiting effect was so bad that
it had a good reason to be just done once, the fashion is godawful that even
the 80s would look at you like an idiot, and whoever first came up with the
idea of a film where they imply that if you have the least bit of a flaw, that
you taken from your home, locked in a cage, killed in a gruesome manner, and
thrown in a dump like garbage…that person should never EVER have kids. Maybe
the horror film idea by John Carl Buechler may not have worked either, but it
would have been more digestible than this film that feels like it hates you.
Thank god I am done with this film and done with NegaSeth’s summer choices.
Well,
with that being done, I have told NegaSeth that he will not be needed the next
two months because two special fan polls will be deciding the next two
inductions. First was of course, the 10th anniversary induction with
a litany of films that will only get nominated this one time and a lot of you
made your votes known. So what did you all choose?
Woodland
Mutant Killer Bears.
Woodland
Mutant Killer Bears.
Better
Play Dead Now.
Bear
Murder.
