Monster Crap
Inductee: Jurassic School (GINO Award Winner)
Run While You Still Can…
...
I
have no words.
No
truly, I have no words for why you all picked this movie.
I
mean, when I put this movie on the nominees, I knew it was the worst film I saw
and had to put it in, but because this was a movie that was Direct To DVD, I
didn’t expect it to win. Nor did I expect it to get 15 votes out of 33. That’s
nearly half the people who decided they wanted to see me suffer. NegaSeth nearly
coughed out a lung from laughing so hard.
Instead,
I thought something like The Mummy, The Emoji Movie, The Bye Bye Man, or even
an outside shot that Death Note would get it as those are more well-known and
films that people have huge problems with. The Mummy got zero vote, The Bye Bye
Man got one vote, Death Note got three and The Emoji Movie finished second
place with six votes. That is still less than half what Jurassic School got.
Well,
I might as well talk about the background film…except I can’t because none of
these people have done much with noting. Heck, for several of these people,
this is the only film they have done so far and considering the acting here, I
can see why. The only thing I can say is this is a movie is this is done from our
good friends at The Asylum and this is the worst film of theirs I have seen
since Transmorphers and if you remember that film, I truly despised it and
truly hated the egos of the people working on it. But unlike that film, this
one doesn’t have the egos. From what I have seen, these are all just people who
did a damn job and while this film is one of the worst things I have ever seen,
I have no easy targets.
*Sigh*
This is Jurassic School.
We
begin with a hill that Asylum uses on several of their movies.
Also…
As
we are having our opening credits, a boy is riding his bike to school.
Meanwhile, a bunch of girls are talking while training for track & field.
The boy who rode his bike to school is the brother of one of the girls.
Of
course they get interrupted by their coach who tells them it is time for them
to hustle as suicides are up next.
Okay,
that was a bad joke. Suicide in this case is actually a drill where you go back
and forth with a further distance that is meant to help with your endurance. Chloe
tells the coach that it is actually time for sprints and the coach is
disorganized that after a mistake with her clipboard, she just says right. She
then yells at the kids to go.
Meanwhile,
we meet our boy riding his bike and his name is Tommy.
He
asks another kid named Ethan if he is late.
Ethan
tells Tommy that he isn’t late and asks Tommy for help with his tiny robotic
T-Rex.
Tommy
fixes the robotic T-Rex and Ethan thanks him before he goes back to the
classroom. This is all actually a science fair to impress our judge Dr.
Reynolds, who works for the company called Vista Tech
We
then meet our teacher named Ms. Hadley.
Dr.
Reynolds seems rather annoyed to be here despite his company sponsoring this
event. Basically this project needs to use analogue and digital technology to
teach us more about dinosaur. Ethan comes in to show his robotic T-Rex which
Dr. Reynolds seems to like. When Hadley asks what is analogue about it, he says
this will take a while so someone should go next while he shows his analogue
part. Tommy goes next.
His
experiment is a program that turns an ostrich egg into a dinosaur egg that will
hatch. That seems a little far-fetched for a simple kid (even a genius kid) to
do, but this is a kids film so I am willing to overlook this.
Well,
this whole crap fails, and Ethan has to come in to show his analogue part that
the T-Rex can make miniature donuts so no one starves and those donuts….
Yes,
robot dinosaur poop makes donuts and people eat them, finding them delicious. I
have nothing. A Robotic Dinosaur that poops donuts. You can’t make this crap up
if you tried. This is stupid.
The
robotic dinosaur’s tail knocks over Tommy’s experiment and as he is trying to
recover it, his belly squishes the ostrich egg and he has ostrich yolk all over
him.
Ethan
shows no care that his experiment fucked over Tommy’s experiment and basically
acts like anyone can still win this, even though he knows he has won. Dr.
Reynolds agrees, and he says that Ethan is going to Regionals. Everyone eats
donuts except for Tommy who is still upset about his experiment being
destroyed.
Ms.
Hadley tries to speak up for Tommy on the way out, but Dr. Reynolds doesn’t
care. He says that Vista Tech is forcing him to be here because as part of this
little sponsorship deal, he has to spend more time with the science division of
this school. He says that Vista Tech has a financial interest in this so he
doesn’t have time for projects that don’t work. He is all in on Ethan and he
leaves. Hadley is able to get Tommy to be part of the program, but Reynolds
says is he fails, it is on her. And he gets hit by a red ball.
Back
at Tommy and Chloe’s home, Tommy still tries to work on his experiment. He
tries again with the full experiment, including putting a drop on the egg and
places it in a tank under a heating lamp. But I have a question, what is the
marble course do? They sadly answer that question of what it does and it is
used in every attempt of this machine. It’s just there and makes no difference
on the experiment.
We
also meet his mom.
Chloe
is there and is upset that Tommy took her smart phone to make a video. He said
he would only need it for 2 minutes and it has been 10. Tommy says he only
needs it for another 5 minutes, so it will probably take another 25 before he
is done. But the mom says it is okay and next time, ask her so she could use
her phone. Chloe then complains that the mom should just get him a real phone.
Tommy gets an email from Ms. Hadley that he gets another chance and he is
happy.
Tommy
comes in to say the good news and he rubs against the fern, which pisses off
her mom. Yes, this is a mom whose main characteristic is she cares more about
her fern plant than she does about her kids. I wish I was making that up. And
why does she care about this fern? It is the only prize ribbon she has ever
gotten. I just can’t with these people.
We
also learn that Tommy is only coming in as an assistant for Ethan and the whole
second chance is really nothing. Back at school. A friend of Tommy’s named
Cynthia asks if he really wants to do this since it is after school and he is
working for someone else’s experiment.
Actually,
that is a very good question. If your experiment is so great as we will find
out it is, he says he needs their help for his experiment to succeed. Oh dear
lord, we will find out that he can basically tell Vista Tech to kiss his rear.
He says that if he gets into Vista Tech, they can back him on his project.
Cynthia then wishes her mom wasn’t out of town. Tommy says that Vista Tech is
here so he needs to work with them. I’m gonna spoil something for you,
Cynthia’s mom heads for a rival company Geni-Sharp and it is until near the end Cynthia decides to mention this. No one else mentions this to him either. Yeah,
you extremely see how wanting to work with Vista Tech as an assistant for
another experiment is more of a bad thing for you.
Ms.
Hadley then tells Tommy his experiment has amazing potential and he needs to
keep working on it. Dr. Reynolds greets Ethan when he arrives and takes a
subtle dig at Tommy. Dr. Reynolds then says that Vista Tech wants another
experiment that Ethan can make. Hadley tells him to not be afraid to let Tommy
help out and he says he will, then bosses Tommy around when Hadley leaves and
basically says that if Tommy screws this up, he will have him kicked out. He
tells Tommy to do Ethan’s homework. He says if Tommy doesn’t do great with his
homework, he will sabotage his own project and make it look like Tommy did it.
So,
after a while, Ethan comes back and asks what he has. Tommy doesn’t know what
he meant, and Ethan says he knows Tommy is working on another experiment. He
says he is thinking of working on a synthetic growth hormone, so we don’t have
to wait years for dinosaurs they make to reach maturity. Ethan tells him that
will be the experiment and he will work on it now for Ethan. WHAT??!!! Tommy,
get out of this and find someone else who will work on this research.
Back
at the home, Tommy chats with Cynthia via the computer and Cynthia wonders how
it went. Cynthia still wants to help Tommy and talks about how her mom sends
the best computers and she will get back to him if she finds something in the
schematics to help him with his experiment. Tommy gets angry and unfortunately,
he accidentally knocks off another ostrich egg.
After
looking over a science book, he figures out the problems and adjusts his
experiment. He goes back to school to work with Ethan. He explains his theory
on the growth hormone and Ethan then says we did some good work even though he
did nothing and looked at his tablet. Tommy goes back home and into his room
where he relaxes. The next day, he awakens to see his dinosaur egg hatch.
Yes,
I know I could talk about the crappy CGI and for that I say, the dinosaur
effects will get more practical later. Tommy wonders where he is going to hide
this guy for the whole week. Wait what….you need to hide him. Why??? Talk to
Cynthia about this or someone close to you and find someone you know at a high
level and work with them. Why do you need to hide this massive discovery?
Sadly, the answer is so we can pad the film out some more.
When
his mom knocks to ask if everything is alright since she heard noises, Tommy
lies and says it is just him for some reason. Oh and while telling his mom that
everything is fine, the dinosaur drinks some of the hormone growth liquid.
Tommy
then hides the dinosaur under a jacket and opens the door for his mom. After
shenanigans with the parents that amounts to nothing, he gets them out of the
room so he can be with his new dinosaur. After taking the jacket off, we see
the dinosaur grow.
Oh
and that is normal size for this species of dinosaur so it will not be growing
any bigger and definitely not as big as the DVD cover would have you believe.
Tommy pets the dinosaur and decides that its name is Spike. Tommy realizes
Spike must be hungry so he tells it to not move as he will be right back. Chloe
follows him, having heard the noise. She asks why he is sneaking around and
behind her back, the dinosaur goes into her bedroom. She says she is watching
him and is about to go into her room, when Tommy stops her. He then hugs his
sister and uses this to motion for Spike to get back to his room.
Meanwhile
as the parents are watching bathroom humor (you can hear the fart noises from
the screen) and laugh, Tommy goes looking for food and sees the fern.
He
then starts reading to Spike the book Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s The Lost World.
He
then sleeps
Chloe
knocks on Tommy’s door to tell him they will be late for school. Tommy pretends
that he is sick and Chloe calls for mom. He hides the dinosaur and tries to
pretend he is sick for mom, but she feels his forehead and he is fine. He
leaves Spike the fern and a bowl of water and tells Spike to not leave the
room.
At
school, Tommy is at the library on the computer when Cynthia explains how she
has figured out a way for his computer to not crash so often. Of course, Tommy
doesn’t care now and acts flakey towards his only friend. He then works with
Ethan and Ethan is not having it, saying he has to get this fixed before
Saturday’s Regionals. After Ethan leaves, the egg grows bigger.
Tommy
heads home on his bike and to his room, to see Spike on the floor. He seems to
be sick with something and Tommy then realizes that Spike needs more plants to
have more oxygen. He then orders some plants online and gets a one-hour
delivery (Ha!!!) of those things.
After
a few minutes of going in and out of the house with the stuff as well as Tommy
eventually setting it up in his room, Tommy how has the perfect greenhouse spot
for Spike to live in. The delivery man sees Spike eating one of the plants and
runs.
Tommy
gets asked by his dad about all the plants (because you can’t hide that shit in
one room). He explains that it is part of his experiment to see if humans can
live in a dino-type environment. Dad just says okay and leaves.
He
also asks about Mom’s missing fern and Tommy lies in saying he didn’t borrow
it.
After
getting rid of Dad, Tommy goes into his mini-greenhouse to hang with Spike, who
has definitely gotten better. He tries to train the dinosaur like a dog, but
they at least remember this time that dinosaurs do have tiny brains, so Spike
doesn’t listen. Mom comes in to see the new mini-greenhouse and yes, she finds
her fern being ruined, which she is very upset about.
She
grounds her kid and takes his computer away, which he protests, but seeing as
he did ruin her prized possession (and lied to Dad about it), he doesn’t have a
leg to stand on. Mom then calls Chloe to ask if he and Tommy are already home
(which she should know since a minute earlier, she was grounding Tommy. Someone
failed at editing). Chloe confirms that to be true although Tommy isn’t home
yet as he is still with that science program so this must be the next day (wish
I knew that, but this film doesn’t care if we know about timing). So Mom tells
Chloe that it is time for her to earn her keep and do the laundry. She tries to
get out of this, but Mom won’t have it and Chloe will need the laundry to be
dry before Mom gets home. She goes into Tommy’s room to get his clothes and we
hear her scream as she has obviously found Spike and Spike runs.
Tommy
gets home and Chloe tells him of the situation of a dinosaur being in the house
(although she first thinks it is an alligator or crocodile). Again, these are
fucking kids so I will once again let that stupidity slide. I apologize for my
language there, but you need to understand how frustrated I am getting. I will
try to censor myself more for reviewing this kids movie.
So
now Tommy has to explain about Spike not being dangerous and that he is a
dinosaur. Chloe can’t at first believe this, but Tommy explains that this is
indeed real. He allows her to pet Spike and that calms her down. Chloe talks
about this being amazing and Tommy tells her that she can’t tell anyone because
again, she wants to show it to Mr. Hadley (his words as Ms. Hadley is very much
a woman) and Dr. Reynolds, who yes has already told Tommy that he is merely an
assistant to Ethan and treats like dirt. He also says that Spike isn’t even
strong enough to leave yet. Chloe then decides that she will agree to hide
this, but Tommy needs to do her chores and homework for her.
Cynthia
calls Tommy to tell him that Ethan and Dr. Reynolds are in the library and
upset that he hasn’t answered any of his emails. So Cynthia tells him to get
here immediately as they are talking about kicking him out of the program and
are just waiting for Ms. Hadley to do so. He has to leave and he asks Chloe to
look after Spike. She says she will do it, but he is now up to six months of
homework and three months of chores.
He
is there to show how they are doing on the growth experiment and Ethan decides
to sabotage Tommy for some reason. This basically causes the egg to explode and
get yolk all over everyone but Ethan who knew to stay far away.
Dr.
Reynolds is tired and he kicks Tommy out of the program which makes the rest of
this movie and Dr. Reynolds’ reason for still being the bad guy in the rest of
this movie, pointless. So remember that everything that happens after here with
the bad guy. Meanwhile Chloe decides to paint Spike’s little claws.
Ms.
Hadley leaves a message for Tommy that despite all of this, she will still take
a look at his project on Monday (whenever that is as this movie doesn’t
understand how time works). Meanwhile, Chloe takes selfies with Spike.
Relax,
she never posts it on social media. Tommy comes back to tell the bad news
although he the gets the message from Hadley which makes him happy. But he
doesn’t know if his project will be ready and Chloe tells him that she will
help him after all, because she thinks Ethan is only in it for the bragging
rights and she wants him to show him up. So now they take Spike to school.
Ethan is there and despite Tommy being no longer his assistant, he still leaves
Tommy with his robo-dinosaur as it is malfunctioning again. You know any good
movie, this would be where Tommy fixes it a little bit, but still sabotages it
enough that Ethan gets in trouble when he takes credit for it to Dr. Reynolds.
But this isn’t that good movie.
Instead
the robo-dinosaur roars and scares Spike, who runs into the school.
Oh
and it scares girls as it runs by. It also runs by Dr. Reynolds, Ms. Hadley,
and Ethan. Both Dr. Reynolds and Ethan try to make it their own with Dr.
Reynolds claiming that is Vista Tech property.
Dr.
Reynolds, you fired Tommy out of this group!!! He didn’t use Vista Tech
equipment for this!!! You Have no right to this dinosaur!!! You are out!!!
A
stupid ass chase scene begins where they try to have people stop Ethan, but Ms.
Hadley doesn’t let them. Meanwhile, despite Dr. Reynolds trying to say no
calls, the librarian calls that there is a wild animal attack at the school.
This
causes an agent to be called to the scene.
Dr.
Reynolds calls his people at Vista Tech to get a van and help here immediately.
The van and people capture the dinosaur and for some reason, Tommy and Chloe
are held back as Dr. Reynolds and Ethan leave with the dinosaur.
Oh
and Ms. Hadley has to go with them or the school loses sponsorship. Meanwhile
the agent wants her people to look into Dr. Reynolds history. Dr. Reynolds also
threatens Tommy if he goes near the creature. After they leave, Chloe fakes
fainting so Tommy can escape along with the robo-dino.
It
seems Tommy may have lost them, but a car comes to pick him up. It is a car
carrying Cynthia, who gets him to Vista Tech. And this happens just as the
Vista Tech group is taking Spike inside the building. Cynthia also says that
her mother can help them when she gets back, but Tommy can’t wait.
Tommy
heads to the front of the building just to see Dr. Reynolds tell the guards to
look out for Tommy. Chloe arrives and they hide to wonder if they can formulate
a plan to get in. The plan they have is to use the robotic dinosaur to poop
donuts for the guards and them being distracted eating the donuts.
In
fact the guards get so distracted by delicious donuts (from a dinosaur’s ass)
that they ignore their guarding as Tommy and Chloe are easily able to sneak by.
And
apparently that is a smart move for Tommy not to wait as in the lab of Vista
Tech, Spike is dying (oh and trust me, you will find out why this dinosaur is
dying and you will lose your shit). Despite the fact that Dr. Reynolds will
lose a grant if Spike dies, after Ethan has no idea how to fix it, Dr. Reynolds
decides to just let it die. Ethan thinks Tommy should be in on this, but Dr.
Reynolds says no because Tommy would tell the cops on him. Ethan refuses to be
part to the death of the greatest find so Dr. Reynolds kicks him out too.
Unfortunately,
Tommy and Chloe’s plan is ruined when Dr. Reynolds comes down the stairs and
sees them. Another chase ensues and Ms. Hadley as well as Ethan (who becomes
good) help Tommy and Chloe escape with the dinosaur. Oh and the reason Spike is
dying is because he can’t breathe.
Seriously,
you are in a lab for animals and this lab (which is basically a fucking
warehouse) can’t even afford the basic amenities to have anything breathe.
Vista
Tech is supposed to be a place of science!!!! One of the first orders of
business for a lab to have a living animal is to find a way for the animal to
breathe. Do you have nothing to let the animal breathe with like a plant? Jesus
Christ, this place should never be allowed to get animals ever.
By
the way, I’m rushing though this just to get it done because I am so done with
this movie. So, the smart thing to let an animal that is having trouble
breathing is to take him to a forest, right? I mean, a forest has tons of
trees, which are plants and plants give off oxygen for us to live while taking
in the carbon dioxide, so we don’t choke on our own excess air. But this is a
stupid movie, so we literally get the moment where it seems like the dinosaur
dies due to lack of oxygen.
You
really couldn’t have him done this at the lab where they are too late. I would
have still had issues with Vista Tech, but that would not in the end screw with
science with it dying of lack of oxygen in a forest. Unless someone is strangling
you or your breathing parts are being constricted somehow, you really can’t die
from lack of oxygen in a forest. Why in the blue hell is this movie trying to
make people dumber?
So
Ms. Hadley tells us that Spike is merely in a state where he may seem dead, but
he is not dead yet. So with the help of a truck that has oxygen…
They
make a special foiled place for Spike to get more oxygen.
Bottom
line is this crap works and Spike lives.
Dr.
Reynolds finds them and tries to explain that is Vista Tech property (why are
you saying this to people who know it isn’t).
However
the agent from earlier comes in to arrest Dr. Reynolds for kidnapping and
animal cruelty (considering his lab, that would make sense) as well as
embezzlement of both Vista Tech and the county school system.
He
is mad and tells Hadley that she will never teach again (considering the crap
you are charged with, she will be fine).
Oh
and they reveal here that Cynthia’s mom is CEO of the rival company Geni-Sharp (making
this whole experience rather pointless as Cynthia could have gotten this shit
taken care of immediately with her mom. The reason Cynthia gives for why she
didn’t tell them was her mom doesn’t like to brag. But her mom wouldn’t be
bragging in this case, it would be you helping out a friend by giving him the
right channels to get his experiment protected. That would be like if my mother
being a head of a rival and reputable talent agency and I have a friend who is
really good at acting while trying to get in with this shitty talent agency.
Then after crap happens where he gets a role despite the crappy talent agency
trying to screw him over, I pop up with my mom and my friend asks why I didn’t
tell him and I said, she doesn’t want to brag. My friend would not be happy
that he had to go through all of this when there was an extremely easier way to
do this.
So
now Spike is in a sanctuary provided by Geni-Sharp where he will be able to survive
and Tommy will be able to visit him.
Oh
and Spike will now have a sister.
Which
Is Somehow A Different Species And Do To The Formula That Should Be Impossible,
But I Am Passed Caring.
And
that’s the end of the movie. There will be no need of an aftermath as like with
the intro, these are just people who work with Asylum or are just in this film.
So
let’s get to my final verdict. There is a reason why this movie was my worst of
the year. This movie craps all over basic science while trying to tell us some
advanced stuff. I normally let’s kids movies slide because I am okay with it
being not for me. Just like romance movies aren’t for me. But even as a kid, I
would have found huge holes in the story and science, especially the dinosaur
nearly dying from lack of oxygen in the forest. That along with the bad acting
and bad effects, makes me call this one of the worst kids films I have ever
seen. Worse than even crap like the Oogieloves film as that one existed in its
own world and didn’t try to be based in reality. And unfortunately, it seems
Asylum has not learned at all from this idea as they are making more films
Dammit
Asylum, you are going to make it difficult for me to like you now. But for now,
I’ve decided that I can’t donate this pain to the less fortunate kids so I’m
going to have to do something else with this DVD.
Now
onto the next induction and…
*Sigh*
What do you got for me next?
Well, as you know
from my birthday present to you. I decided that this February will be Vampuary
so I asked your fans (the same fans who gave you Jurassic School to induct this
month) what you should induct next between ten films with vampires and the fans
didn’t disappoint in your continued misery.
Hey, you know how
you like the original From Dusk Till Dawn?
Yeah,
it’s one of the few vampire films I can go back and watch anytime.
Well, how about a
sequel that despite what it says, Robert Rodriguez has nothing to do with.
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