Monster Crap
Inductee: Ghostbusters
Better Call Someone Else
2016
GINO Award Winner
Like
I mentioned for 2016 in my worst of the year list, this year had a lot (and I
mean a lot) of terrible movies. And I gave you all a bunch of movies that I
nominated for GINO Award and in a way I should have known, you went with the
film that was the most controversial and not the worst. And that film was the
Ghostbusters film that came out in 2016.
Time
for some backstory with this one. After the original Ghostbusters was a huge
hit in the 1984 (the year of my birth) and Ghostbusters 2 was kind of a
disappointment in 1989, plans were made for a Ghostbusters 3. Unfortunately
that film never came to be for one reason or another (mostly because Bill
Murray would refuse to do it several times) and sadly in 2014, any idea of a
Ghostbusters 3 with the original cast ended with the sad passing of Harold
Raimis.
You
Might As Well Consider The 2009 Video Game Where They Did Get All The Original
Actors To Voice Their Known Characters As Ghostbusters 3.
Just
Avoid The 2016 Version Of The Ghostbusters Video Game. It Is Shit.
No
sooner did Raimis did that Sony announced that they would make a Ghostbusters
reboot. But not only would it be a reboot directed by Paul Feig (director of
Bridesmaids), but it would featuring four women as the Ghostbusters. The
initial rage of fans and sexists was strong in the beginning, but sadly instead
of trying to quell the hatred like many remakes/reboots do, the people of
Ghostbusters decided that anyone who was angry was a sexist. They even then
continued to basically make fun of the fans and their “memories being ruined”.
While yes, some of the backlash over the reboot was immature at best, making a
completely mockery of your own fan base and basically setting up your own
excuse for box office failure before the movie even came out is one of the
stupidest ideas you could do in promoting the film.
Then
the four actresses were determined with Kristin Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Kate
McKinnon, and Leslie Jones. Unfortunately, this did not help people who were
not fans of the comedy stylings of Kristin Wiig and Melissa McCarthy, which
sadly was plenty of people because both actresses had been in several bad films
since Bridesmaids. This also didn’t help with me personally because I am one
who never liked the film. The trailer was then premiered and it got more
dislikes on YouTube than likes, a rare thing to happen at that time. A month
later, news came out that the filming of the film was not fun for the cast or
crew. Still, despite all of this…the cast and crew still went with the sexism
angle. I remember the Angry Video Game Nerd got unfairly savaged for being a
sexist because he calmly answered a simple question in saying he just wasn’t
going to see the film as he was hated the whole idea of a remake anyway and
didn’t want to get mad in any way at something he enjoyed so much. Most of
those people were idiots and eventually realized how stupid this was, backed
off (Patton Oswalt was one of those morons).
He
Should Have Known Better.
But
let’s get to the cast itself. Kristin Wiig and Melissa McCarthy both had worked
with Paul Feig in Bridesmaids (which gave Melissa McCarthy the Oscar for Best
Supporting Actress). Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones were up and coming female
comedians in SNL. Overall, if you look at the supporting cast, it is pretty
good. You have Charles Dance (Tywin Lannister from Game of Thrones), Chris
Hemsworth (Marvel’s Thor himself), Andy Garcia (Agent George Stone in The
Untouchables), as well as cameos from most of the main players in the original
film (Harold Raimis (death) and Rick Moranis (retirement) excluded.
Unfortunately, we also had people from Monster Crap past like Ed Begley Jr.
He
Tried To Be Uncredited, But I Am Crediting Him For Being Next To Val Kilmer In
Batman Forever
Also
Michael McDonald is in Leprechaun 2.
Acted
A Bit Sass Around The Leprechaun And Got Killed For It
Even
in the famous Ghostbuster cameos we have Monster Crap past with Ernie Hudson
being in Congo.
As
Cool Ass Mother Fucker Munro Kelly
Oh
And Sifu Norris In DragonBall; Evolution
Now
with that out of the way, let’s get to this movie.
Oh
I Guess Before I Start The Film I Should Mention That Sony Was So Sure This
Would Be A Success That They Created A Production Team To Create Future
Ghostbuster Films.
We
begin this film at a historical mansion.
This
is the Aldridge mansion and a tour guide is talking about the place and it
being haunted. He even does a trick where a candlestick falls on its own to ooh
and aah the audience. Oh and he made a failed joke about this mansion is
supposedly where PT Barnum got the idea to enslave elephants and talked about
an anti-Irish security fence…both jokes fall flat on their face.
He
also makes a joke about his eldest daughter’s personality made by a drunk
God. Oh and that candlestick was
revealed to be set up by the people running the tours.
Carny
BS
But
suddenly, the door to the room that apparently locked the murderous eldest
daughter of Sir Alderidge starts moving. The tour guide checks and in the end,
he hears forceful attempts to open the door and screams so he runs away. He
tries to escape, but the door knob is hot so he cant.
Dammit
Macaulay Culkin!!
The
tour guide then gets thrown into the wall. He goes into the living room and
apologizes to Sir Alderidge before trying to throw a chair through the window,
but the chair is caught.
The
chair is then thrown back at the tour guide. Then for some reason, the tour
guide runs to the basement where the eldest daughter was locked up and of
course, he sees the cracks on the floor glow green with some type of ooze.
Well,
It Most Certainly Isn’t Ecto Cooler
The
tour guide realizes how much of an idiot he was for going into the basement
when the door behind him shuts and the bolts locked. He tries to climb the
stairs, but they break and he is stuck in the basement. The ghost shows up and
comes at him as the tour guide screams and we get our opening title card.
We
then see Erin Gilbert teaching at Columbia University.
But
it turns out she was merely practicing as her class is empty.
She
does some warm ups that make her look like an idiot before she is interrupted
by Ed Mulgrave.
He
asks her about ghosts and she lies in saying she knows nothing about it when
Mulgrave reveals a book she wrote with Abby Yates about ghosts. He reveals he
runs the Aldridge Mansion and believes it is haunted. He tried the police, but
he sounds crazy. She eventually wonders where she got that and he explains it
is being sold on Amazon.
She
is angered to see it being sold when the dean of Columbia University Harold
Filmore shows up.
Ahh…I
Swear I’m Not Conspiring Against You. I Am House Lannister All The Way.
He
says her tenure is under review and he has a problem with her getting a
recommendation from the head of the science department in Princeton as their
science department isn’t what it used to be. He recommends getting a referral
from a more prestigious college.
Hey,
I Resent The Disrespect Of Princeton. It Is An Ivy League School Just Like You.
Fillmore
says he sees Gilbert as an asset to Modern Physics, but he would hate to see
her throw that all down the drain.
After
this, Erin confronts Abby at the Higgins Institute Of Science about the book
and Abby reveals she needed to make some extra money for the paranormal program
she is at.
Abby
says she doesn’t need Erin’s permission to write the book and….sorry, but yes
you do. In fact, Erin can rightfully sue you for money made on the book because
she wrote it to. That is the way copyright law works nowadays. Abby also has
issues with Erin abandoning their “baby” (the book). Oh and yes, she tries to
talk about flying human babies and…..this shit is falling flatter than someone
off the Empire State Building. Erin then says that there is no experimental
backing for anything in that book and it makes her look like a crazy person.
Abby
then gets upset about her one split wanton in her soup as she did order Chinese
food. As Abby is complaining on the phone about her food, Erin meets Jillian
Holtzmann.
Who
May Be Trying To Hit On Her Because Her Character Is A Bit Crazy
Abby
comes back and tells Julian to not get too close to Erin as she will ask you to
write a book with her and then squash your dreams. She reveals that Jillian is
close to making the stuff they dreamed of a reality as she is a master
engineer. They then make a fart joke in a recording and laugh about it to Erin
as if she got her face up in there and got farted on, which she didn’t since it
was a damn recording.
THIS...ISN'T...FUNNY!!!
Jillian
reveals that it was actually a queef and not a fart (please don’t ask the
difference). Erin says if they are going to give her a wedgie as well, but they
both say Erin probably has too much up her butt as it is. Erin is about to
rightfully leave when Abby asked if she didn’t believe in this stuff, why was
she looking for the book. Erin reveals that a man came to see her about ghosts
at the Aldridge Mansion and both Abby and Jillian get excited. They leave to
ghost hunt and make Erin leave and lock the door so no one steals anything.
Erin
still chases after them because she wants the book taken down and Abby
ultimately agrees…but she has to introduce them to this guy at the Aldridge
Mansion. They all head to the Aldridge Mansion where it seems the tour guide
(who is still alive) doesn’t know about them and that the guy she met, Ed
Mulgrave died 15 years ago. Okay…that cannot be possible because last I
checked, ghosts can’t go online and buy books because where would they send it
to and I don’t know if ghosts can operate a keyboard and….this makes no sense
so moving on!!
But
Ed Mulgrave shows up and when Erin asks who he is, the tour guide said that was
Ed’s son, Ed Jr. You legit had that conversation where you didn’t know who they
were talking about and cock-teased us about Erin meeting with a ghost. You
legit did that!!! Any normal person would have immediately assumed they meant
Ed Jr. and wouldn’t have even entertained the thought to say the original Ed
Mulgrave died 15 years ago. This dialogue is stupid.
Ed
reveals that the tour guide saw it and he believes it made him soil himself,
which the tour guide (named Garrett) is embarrassed by this. They also then
joke about it being a T3 or T4 haunting if he soiled himself unless he ate
something bad. Abby now wants to get set up so Garrett throws the keys on the
ground for her to pick up and says they are going to die in there.
Wait…If
Erin Was Only There To Make Introductions, Why Is She Still There? Never
Explained.
Oh
and as Abby tries to open that padlocked basement door, Jillian keeps making
jokes on Erin all the while having the camera focused on Erin’s chest. Erin
steps on some green slime and suddenly, the door opens on its own. She thinks
the slime and door opening is a prank by the other two and confronts them about
it. Abby and Jillian reveal the green slime is ectoplasm and they are happy to
see the door open. Their PKE Meter goes off (yes, they have one like in the
original Ghostbusters) and then their ears popped. They are all shocked to see
the ghosts of Aldridge’s eldest daughter coming to them.
Oh
And Jillian Is Eating Pringles While This Is Going On For Some Reason
Abby
says this is a class 4 apparition and Erin tries to talk to it. You know this
seems really interesting and could result into a good scare and…
And
Good Scare Ruined For A Puke Joke As The Ghost Pukes On Erin For No Reason.
Seriously,
this is not set up at all. We never get any inkling that the ghost would do
this so when it does, you can just see it as a cheap 3D attempt and gross out
gag. This in the initial trailer ruined it for me and considering the thumbs
down, it may have made others groan too.
The
ghost then goes to the window and both Abby and Jillian try to follow. As the
ghost is outside just flying around like crazy and the three women celebrate
with Erin even enjoying herself. Unfortunately for her, that video went up on
YouTube and the people at Columbia have seen it.
She
is immediately fired so she has to go back to Abby and Jillian. Abby tries to
calm her down by saying this is a glass half full situation as they saw a
beautiful ghost. Jillian then makes a joke about it puking all over Erin and
Erin says that stuff went all over her, in every crack. Ewww….
Now
they are all interested in exploring more into the paranormal. They also see a
commercial for Ghost Jumpers (a rip-off of the Ghosthunters shows) and Abby
calls them phonies. Abby says it is crap like this that Erin got fired. Abby
says this institute is 100% behind them unlike Columbia. And then they all get
fired because the dean didn’t realize their department still existed.
How
In The Blue Hell Do You Run This Place????
Oh,
nevermind….it is shown that this dean is stupid and only dean because the guy
before him went to jail (seriously, he spells science with a Y instead of an
I). He also says “Suck It” instead of “Get Out” so yeah, they are better off
without this Institute.
Oh
And He Flips Them Off Too, Joking About A Ghost, But Instead A Bird.
Oh
and he continues doing stuff with his middle fingers while they are all stunned
by this man’s immaturity. After they leave, Abby believe this is a minor
setback. Erin then says they need to capture an entity and put it in a
controlled environment to prove there are ghosts. Oh and they stole all the
equipment from the school, which makes the dean try to chase them with a
baseball bat.
We
then go to a subway station where we meet Patty Tolan and Rowan North.
Rowan
talks about the fourth cataclysm coming and says laborers such as herself will
be the last led to the butchery. Patty makes a joke about how that guy is crazy
and then sees on security that he is going on the tracks so she needs to stop
him. She hears noise as she investigates and sees that this guy is setting
stuff up.
Then
a ghost shows up and at first, Patty believes this is another person, but sees
it for what it truly is.
A
Ghost That Is Electrifying
Sorry
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, But Yeah….This Is Electrifying
Meanwhile
Rowan is smiling about all of this while hiding.
Yep….Rowan
Is Our Villain
Patty
runs off, dropping her flashlight. We see that Rowan is working as the janitor
at the Mercado Hotel. He is also a mad scientist working under the hotel and is
setting up machines to accelerate paranormal activity around the city for some
big plan and he is not even close to done yet. He talks to himself in the
mirror about how he has been bullied his entire life and now he will be the
bully. He says trust your abilities and the universe will bend for your will.
He then gets told that there is a clogged toilet that needs to be taken care of
and is called a weirdo and a freak show.
Meanwhile,
the four women hire a real estate agent to find them a place to work at for
their upcoming business (one they don’t reveal). They get shown the fire
station where the Ghostbusters were headquartered at in the original.
They
like the building a lot, but unfortunately it is too expensive for them.
Instead they find a place above a Chinese restaurant to have their headquarters
at, but Abby still has issue with the delivery man as it does take them an hour
to get the food to them despite being only up one flight of stairs.
Oh
And They Still Suck At Their Food.
As
Abby is arguing over the quality of service, Jillian starts dancing for Erin to
“The Rhythm Of The Night” by DeBarge.
Abby
talks about how Jillian loves that song. Abby reveals to Erin that she has been
passing these flyers all up in town and…
Yeah,
That Is Not Going To Help You As A Ghostbuster
Erin
reveals that she thinks it is actually the slogan for the Anti-Terrorism Line.
Abby realizes that it is and explains that now they know why so many people are
calling about suspicious looking bags. They then get met by Kevin, who is the
only person who applied for the receptionist job.
Erin
sees him as extremely attractive and acts awkward around him. Jillian also sees
him as attractive and Abby just acts professionally around him. During the
interview, they realize that Kevin is pretty dumb. He doesn’t wear glass on his
glasses because it kept getting dusty. He has a dog named “Mike Hat”. He
dabbled in web design though and drew up a logo for them to use.
Yeah….That
Is Pretty Bad
Of
course with Kevin being dumb, he thinks there issue is with the boobs being too
small. He reveals his next decision, which is freaking 7-Eleven.
Oh
Come On!!!
His
third choice also doesn’t help with Ghostbusters.
*Groan*
They
think about not hiring Kevin, but sadly he is the only one who applied for the
job so they basically have to hire him, which Jillian is okay with because
unlike the other two, she doesn’t mind his idiocy. Patty also shows up and
despite them initially thinking she is here for Chinese takeout, she is here to
hire them as there is a ghost issue in the subway.
She
talks about the history of the place as she shows them where she saw the ghost
while Jillian is carry around a cart of equipment. Above them was the old New
York Prison where they used to electrocute people and it would take so long
that they ultimately wanted to shoot them instead to save electricity. They
then run into this graffiti artist who likes to spray paint this place.
Nate
Corddry….Your Brother Would Be Very Disappointed In You.
They
ask him about the ghost that might be here and he says he has seen one, but it
is only a trick to just spray paint and run away…when they could have stopped
him a long time before he finished.
Yep…That
Is How These Ghostbusters Determined Their Logo
There
is some slime as they set up and Patty reminds them that they only have a small
window before the next train appears. Patty talks about the weird sparking
thing (the device that Rowan set up). Abby and Erin see what is left of the
device and smell both electrical discharge and ionic decay which is strange to
them. Patty tells them they only have a few minutes, but they don’t need to
wait long as the ghost returns.
Patty
reveals that is the ghost she saw. Erin wonders where these ghosts are coming
from. Jillian starts turning on the equipment (which is a ghost laser) as Abby
starts recording. Jillian talks about the device being in its early stages. It
starts to work.
Unfortunately
they take too long with the proton pack that any attempt to get the ghost is
ruined by the train, which also goes runs over the ghost too.
And
Every Car That Passes Through The Ghost Gets The Ghostbusters More Slimed Than
Before.
The
ghost gets stuck on the last car and Patty guesses he is heading to Queens. But
unfortunately the train did destroy the equipment so they will have to rebuild
the equipment before catching any more ghosts. Back at the lab, Erin is upset
that everyone thinks the video is fake, she then realizes that they need to
catch a ghost to prove they are real. They also look at the leftovers from the
device that Patty saw. Erin thinks it looks like parts of a miniature
cyclotron. They ask about what that weird guy said to Patty and she shows up to
say fourth cataclysm. They ask why she is here and she reveals that she is
joining the Ghostbusters. They initially don’t want her, but they accept as
part of the group after she reveals that they need to know how the real world
works and she also can borrow a car from her uncle that they can use.
Kevin
takes a call and like the idiot he is, he hangs up on them after the person on
the call is in hysterics. They say Kevin can’t do that and Kevin then leaves as
he is part of a team in a hide and seek tournament and his team is in the
semifinals. As he is leaving, Patty makes a joke about how her cousin is half
as dumb and will work for Vienna Sausages. Patty then reveals the car and it is
a hearse
Erin
and Abby aren’t sure about the hearse and she says that her uncle is a funeral
director, also adding beggars can’t be choosers. Oh and if you are wondering
why I am not talking about the Oprah quote that Patty said, I’m at this point
going to wait until the joke is either funny or it is worth a real mention. Oh
and Patty didn’t check if there was a body in the back. She reveals that if
there is a body, Jillian can use it. Jillian then says that she already has
seven uses in mind for a cadaver.
Considering
The Look On Her Face, I Am Afraid To Know What Even One Of Those Uses Is
Patty
says that was just a joke and that if there is a body, then they have to return
it. Back in the building, Jillian revealed that she used some of the device
they found in the subway as a booster for their proton packs and created a
device to capture a ghost.
They
go to the alley to test out their equipment. Abby tries it out and the kick
back is very strong.
They
all wait until the machine runs out of juice before they make adjustments on
the machine. Now eating pizza at their workplace, Patty asks how Erin and Abby
met. Erin reveals that Abby transferred to her high school junior year and then
two started telling ghost stories so they became friends. Oh and they were
outcasts as they were never invited to any parties the other high school
students took part in. Abby was more okay with this than Erin since Abby thinks
they were just dumb and she also thinks they weren’t invited because they told
very scary ghost stories and the other kids were afraid of them.
Patty
asks how they got into ghosts and Erin revealed that she saw one when she was
eight years old. She explains that the mean old lady next door to her died and
that night, she woke up and the old lady’s ghost was standing at the foot of
her bed. The ghost did that every night for almost a year. Erin told her
parents, but her parents never believed her and still don’t believe her. Erin
had to go to therapies for years and the kids at school found out so they
picked on her. She said Abby was the only person who believed her story.
We
cut the outside of a building that is hosting a rock concert and Rowan is
there.
An
Ozzy fan gives Rowan a high five and says Ozzy Rocks. After the guy leaves,
Rowan says this world cannot be cleansed fast enough as he enters the building
with his backpack.
On
the news, the reporters talk about the video of the ghost, calling the women
Ghostbusters (despite them hating that name), and have a respected professor
named Martin Heiss (who Erin thinks highly of, despite him being a Famed
Debunker).
Hey,
Bill Murray. You Didn’t Want To Do Any Ghostbuster Sequel After 2, Yet You
Wanted To Do This.
And
to the Ghostbusters shock (but not mine and I’m sure not the audience’s), Martin
Heiss says this stuff is BS. Erin says they are going to catch a ghost and
prove this debunker wrong. The phone rings and again, they have to remind Kevin
his job is to answer it. He answers it and says okay before hanging up, then
asking which of these pictures makes him look like more of a doctor.
They
demand to know who was on the phone call and he says that it was Stonebrook
Theater and a “goat” is on the loose (meaning ghost). They get ready to head
out so they can take care of this ghost. Patty also reveals she made gear for
the Ghostbusters so they won’t get slimed on their good clothes again.
Oh
and the Ghostbuster hearse gets a makeover.
Despite
Abby not liking it since that is her uncle’s hearse, everyone else loves it.
And oh dear god….the cover version of the Ghostbusters theme with Fall Out Boy
and Missy Elliot plays. And boy does it suck. And I got even more bad news,
this is one of three covers of this song that is in the soundtrack.
They
arrive at the theater and get their gear ready.
Erin
and Abby get confused as to who gets to say “Let’s Go”, but since Erin said it
first, they are going to go with that. As they enter the theater, they are met
by Jonathan, who is the theater manager.
Hey
Michael McDonald…I See That You Took Care Of That Steam Caused By The
Leprechaun
As
a guy is left in a stretcher, Jonathan tells them to follow him. Jonathan tells
them the situation and if they roam around enough, they will eventually run
into it before leaving. They decide to split up and if they see it, to contact
everyone else on their walkie talkies. On the stage, the rock concert begins.
While
it is going on, Erin goes through the mannequins that have wigs and gets scared
a bit when Jillian pretends to be one of the mannequin heads.
Okay,
I’ll Admit I Snickered A Bit At This
Jillian
asks if it is the wig or hat, but Erin just looks at her with a sigh as she
tells her to just come on. Meanwhile, Abby’s PKE meter is going off the fritz
so the ghost must be nearby. She goes into the room and sees the machine that
is causing the ghosts.
Abby
radios the others that she believes she has found one of those devices. Patty
talks to herself thinking this was gonna be like some book club and play Stevie
Nicks alb…okay, that makes no freaking sense. They told you they don’t do that
and you know they deal with real ghosts based on the subway scene. Gah….this
writing fucks itself so many times.
She
also says that if she sees two twins from The Shining, she is going to pass
out.
You
Aren’t Worth Our Time, Lady
She
enters a mannequin room and leaves almost immediately, not knowing one of the
mannequins is moving.
Can
You Believe These Idiots??
Patty
continues talking to herself about how she wishes she was back at her job
working at the subway.
And
The Mannequin Is Following Her
She
turns around and wonders if the mannequin was there before. The thing starts
chasing her.
You
Are Too Stupid For Me To Be Playing This Game.
Patty
runs into the others as they are looking at the device and she tells them about
the mannequin. The mannequin immediately breaks through.
Here’s
Manny!!!!
Jillian
says hi to the mannequin and Abby says all their theories of spectral
possession are true. They immediately get their proton packs ready and shoot
out the lasers.
This
destroys the mannequin and reveals the ghost, which looks like a dragon.
The
ghost dragon runs away and they give chase. The creature heads upstairs and
onto the stage.
Everyone
including the band thinks this is a special effect, despite the guy on the
booth trying to yell that it isn’t his. The Ghostbusters see that the rock
music is making it angry and the lead singer says that they have raised Satan
himself, the ghost dragon then attacks the lead singer.
That
Lead Singer Is Also The Voice Of Slimer
The
lead singer gets pushed into the TV and the crowd still thinks this is an act.
The Ghostbusters head out to attack the ghost. Jonathan is not happy about them
firing blindly at the creature as the theater is art deco. And after destroying
a sculpture, he screams like a girl. They decide to divide and conquer the
creature with Abby getting on a mosh pit.
Patty
tries the same thing, but everyone moves out of the way, causing her to hit the
floor.
Patty: Okay, I Don’t Know
If This Is A Race Thing Or A Lady Thing, But I’m Mad As Hell.
I
think it was a race thing so….
As
Patty gets up, the ghost dragon perches on Patty’s shoulders.
They
tell Patty to stay still, but Patty wants to go. Patty goes to leave and some
morons decide to take a selfie with it.
The
other three Ghostbusters shoot their beams onto the ghost dragon.
They
then capture the ghost dragon.
They
all look upon the ghost trap, knowing they have succeeded. They tell the crowd
this and the crowd cheers. The band continues to play. After the band is done,
Jillian gets too excited and bashes a guitar.
Jillian
apologizes to the guitar player and says that she can’t buy him another one.
Ozzy
Osbourne Yells To An Invisible Sharon That He Thinks He Is Having Another
Flashback.
The
Ghostbusters leave the theater with the captured ghost when they get
interviewed. Abby says that they are scientists and they are here for the
unanswerable questions….oh and there is no more ghost in the theater. Rowan
sees their capture in a theater and realizes that someone is trying to stop
him.
The
Ghostbusters then celebrate their success back at their workplace.
Kevin
even gets in on the fun.
They
are happy as Jillian also reveals more upgrades to the suits, but Prof. Heiss
shows up.
Martin
demands to see the ghost they captured. Abby doesn’t want to show the ghost as
they don’t feel it is safe yet, but Martin doesn’t care and thinks they are
still phonies. After hearing all of this, Erin opens the trap.
Martin
calls for the ghost and the ghost comes out, throwing Martin through a window
and killing him.
The
police come and demand to know who threw Martin out a window. They say a ghost
did it and the cop doesn’t believe them. Oh and for some reason talked about
Patrick Swayze. Two government agents in Agent Hawkins and Agent Rourke.
Hey,
It’s Omar Little From The Wire (Hawkins) And Thomas The Boss From Ted (Rourke).
They
tell the Ghostbusters that they need to come with them and they head to the
office of the Mayor of New York.
Mayor
Andy Garcia…I Know He Has A Character Name, But He Is Being Called Mayor
Garcia. Also His Assistant Is There Too (Named Jennifer Lynch, Played By SNL’s
Cecily Strong).
Basically,
the mayor reveals that Hawkins and Rourke are with Homeland Security and they
have been monitoring this ghost situation and Rowan North very closely. The
mayor tells them that they have been doing great work, but they need to knock
it off as they need to let the government take care of this. I want you all to
know that before this scene, I was not going to nominate this for the GINO
Award because despite all the missed jokes, it wasn’t terrible. But then this
next line by Mayor Garcia put this movie into the point where I had to nominate
it for the GINO Award.
Mayor Garcia: We are going to
have to make the public believe you are frauds.
WHAT???!!!!!!
What
the fuck does that accomplish?? The whole rock concert thing got national
exposure as did the death of Martin Heiss?? Unless Rowan lives under a freaking
rock, he knows someone is onto his scheme!!! Maybe he doesn’t know about the
government after him, but does that really fucking matter??? He knows someone
is after him and he doesn’t need to see that everyone sees them as frauds to
see them as a threat. THIS IS STUPID!!!
Thank
You, Godzilla
They
are so outraged and Jennifer says the human brain can handle so much so there
might be a panic so they need to get the word out there that it was all a hoax
to avoid mass hysteria. Abby seems to be okay with this and explains that they
want to them to metaphorically “put the cat back in the bag”. Basically, the
government is trying to cover this up. Basically, that is all.
Back
at the alley, Abby explains that the mayor said they can continue their work
and Jillian reveals that she created some new weapons.
One of them is a ghost grenade which Jillian has Erin try out.
Jillian
then reveals a ghost chipper, which she has Patty try.
Jillian
then has Abby try on the Proton Glove.
The
beam destroys a motorcycle.
Abby
thinks that was awesome and that bike belonged to the Chinese Takeout guy, who
I have no problem with considering his crappy service. Meanwhile, Jennifer is
saying how fraudulent and unsafe these Ghostbusters are. Abby tries to tell the
group that no one should care what anyone else thinks and talks about the ghost
sightings. Erin realizes there is a pattern with the laylines. Abby and Erin
had ignored this theory as they thought it was too insane, but it seems a
reality and whoever is doing this is creating a vortex. Abby says that if he
gets one of his machines in there and it is big enough, he is going to rip a
hole through the barrier between this world and the paranormal one. They see
the pattern reveals that the center is the Mercado Hotel and Abby decides to
call it in. Patty reveals that all sorts of massacres happened in this area
even before it was the Mercado Hotel. Patty also reveals the creepy man she saw
works for this hotel and is named Rowan North.
They
gear up and head to the Mercado Hotel. They head to the Mercado Hotel and they
talk to the clerk.
Who
Is Annie Potts, Who Played Secretary Janine In The Original Ghostbusters
They
ask where the janitor is and she tells him he is downstairs, not wanting to
know what that freak has done. They go downstairs and confront Rowan, with his
crazy machine.
Abby
demands he shut it down. Abby says they like the way the world is and Rowan
goes on a spiel about how he has been disrespected his entire life. Basically,
he is an anti-bullying allegory. He says that he sees things and for that, he
is rewarded with scorn and mockery, while they say so did they, but they didn’t
want to end the world. Abby tries to talk him down by saying that she gets that
people are terrible, but there are so many wonderful things out there. It
doesn’t work so they have to tell him that the police are on their way. With
this, Rowan decides to kill himself via electrocution.
Bad
Guy Dead, So Movie Over, Right? How Long Does This Movie Have? *Looks At Time*
43 MORE MINUTES!!! OH, COME ON!!!!
Jillian
shuts the machine down just as the authorities come. As everyone is around,
Jillian reveals that Rowan has been reading the book that was written by Abby
and Erin. Jennifer Lynch comes down and thanks them for their efforts, before
having them arrested and blamed for the event.
There
is no reason for this now. The bad guy was stopped, as far as you know. You can
call Rowan a terrorist and reveal that he had created a bomb that would cause
mass damage. You could also walk the Ghostbusters out the back so they would
never know they were there as well (you could easily have the hotel owner make
up some story about them taking care of something else like maybe a birthday
party (like in Ghostbusters 2). Oh and after the cops leave (not even bothering
to take a bit of the machine down in case he had an accomplice), we see the PKE
meter going on the fritz showing that there is a ghost.
The
next day, Erin looks at the book that they recovered from Rowan’s place and
starts to notice that is where Rowan drew in the book on his plans.
It
also turns out that Rowan intentionally killed himself so he could come back as
a ghost and complete his plans as one of them.
Seeing
that this whole nightmare isn’t over, she immediately leaves her room to warn
someone.
Back
at Ghostbusters HQ, Abby hears a knock on the door. Abby answers it (thinking
it is one of the other Ghostbusters), but when she answers, no one is there.
Abby is a bit weirded out by this as she closes the door. She then locks
herself into the bathroom and a banging on the door ensues. Abby demands who is
out there and says if it is Jillian, then she is in trouble. Suddenly, noise
comes from the pipe and Abby goes to investigate the sink. Rowan’s ghost says
“Hello, Abby”, before bursting out possessing her.
The
answering machine downstairs answers and it is Erin trying to warn them that
she believes that the whole Rowan situation may not be over yet. A news report
announces that the mayor is meeting with diplomats at a restaurant called Lotus
Leaf so she goes down there to warn them of the upcoming danger.
Back
at Ghostbusters HQ, Patty and Jillian have arrived with sandwiches so Abby
would not need to wait for hours for food from the Chinese takeout place.
Jillian knocks on the bathroom door and a possessed Abby comes out, trying to
act normal. Abby finds a pipe that Jillian found in the dumpster and starts to
use it to destroy stuff, revealing her possession.
Jillian
stops her from destroying the gear that she calls her babies and Abby attacks
her as well as Patty, knocking Jillian to the ground and throwing the pipe at
Patty, who she barely misses. Abby grabs Jillian and attempts to throw her out
of the window.
Patty
tries to save Jillian, but Abby attacks her. During their struggle, Abby rips
off The Exorcist by turning her head backwards.
Patty
eventually saves Jillian and gets on top of Abby so she can slap the ghost
right out of her.
The
ghost leaves and Abby feels the slap. Patty still thinks Abby is possessed so
she slaps her a second time. Patty sees that it is Abby back to normal and Abby
wonders where the ghost went. Suddenly, they hear Kevin outside who reveals he
has a motorcycle now.
They
try to get Kevin to come inside, but Kevin is too much of a moron to understand
their warnings and Rowan’s ghost possesses Kevin.
Rowan
thanks them for the upgrade and rides away in the motorcycle.
At
the Lotus Leaf, the mayor and his assistant are talking to diplomats when Erin
comes in to warn them. The mayor and his assistant does not want to be
embarrassed so Jennifer acts like the mayor is busy and she needs to go. A
rumbling begins and Erin thinks it has begun, but it is only the garbage men
rolling down a dumpster.
Erin
says that might have been a false alarm there, but he still needs to do
something like evacuate the city and turn off the power so he doesn’t become
like the mayor in Jaws, something the mayor takes heavy offense to, telling her
to never compare him to the Jaws mayor.
Mayor
Garcia has bodyguards take Erin away.
Possessed
Kevin comes to the basement of the Mercado Hotel and when cops try to stop
them, he knocks them out with ease.
Kevin
then goes to his machine (which had never been taken apart in any way) and
turns on the machine to begin what he calls The Fourth Cataclysm.
Erin
still runs out of the street trying to get everyone out of the city with zero
success when a small rumble happens and she now knows it is too late. People
start running as spirits start descending down from the sky.
We
see a few of these ghosts like flasher ghost.
The
Ghostbuster car…
It
leaves the garage as Abby, Jillian, and Patty try to deal with the mess. Erin
meanwhile hails a taxi which is driven by Dan Aykroyd.
Erin
tells him to take her to Chinatown, but he doesn’t want to. She tries to say
those are actual ghosts flying around, but he “ain’t afraid of no ghost” and
leaves.
Meanwhile,
the other three Ghostbusters try to get to the epicenter of this disaster, but
they hit a blockade made out of food trucks so they get out of Ecto-1 to clear
a path. As they do this, Slimer comes out of one of the food trucks and steals
Ecto-1.
Oh
and Jillian reveals that the equipment on top of the car is like a nuclear
reactor so they gave a ghost a nuke so they run. As they run, they notice ghost
balloons.
The
balloons see them so they have to use their proton lasers to shoot balloons.
They pop several balloons, but one balloon seems to be better than the rest.
The
Stay Puft Balloon belly flops onto the Ghostbusters and is starting to crush
them when Erin saves them with a Swiss Army Knife.
They
decide to save the city and get their terrible receptionist back because they
aren’t going to find another one that pretty.
The
military and cops (as well as Hawkins & Rourke) descend onto the Mercado
Hotel in hopes of stopping this cataclysm, but possessed Kevin stops them by using
magic to stop their bodies from moving.
The
Ghostbusters arrive and Possessed Kevin makes a joke about how women are always
late. He then sends ghosts after them.
The
Ghostbusters use their weapons to stop these ghosts.
Erin
uses a gun that Jillian never tested to defeat the first two ghosts we saw.
Jillian
then reveals she created two hand guns that work like the proton beams, but
smaller. But she licks them first.
She
then uses them to effect.
She
even destroys the Uncle Sam Ghost.
You
know, I was criticizing this whole movie for the most part, but that action
scene was pretty awesome. It may have been a lot of CGI, but for this…it
worked.
After
all those ghosts were defeated, they head to the Mercado Hotel.
They
go to stop the machine, but Kevin stops them. They demand Rowan’s ghost get out
of Kevin’s body, but he decides to act like Peter Pan for some reason.
He
then says that this guy is making him feeling stupid by the second so Kevin is
all theirs, getting out of his body in an attempt to kill him.
They
try to get Rowan’s ghost, but he is too fast for them. He then decides to have
real fun for them and create a new form for himself, one of their choice. Patty
says she would prefer him to be a friendly little ghost. He then asks if they
would prefer the one in their logo.
They
say yes to that and he gives them what they want….but he grows and becomes a
monster.
He
forces the Ghostbusters out of the building and into the authorities, who all
fall down. They run as Giant Rowan Ghost comes out of the building.
The
Rowan Ghost chases them and they hide to figure out a plan. They get to the
portal and reveal they need an insane amount of energy to reverse it. They see
the ghost-driven Ecto-1 coming towards them and get an idea. They move and the
ghosts fall into the portal. The Ghostbusters then shoot at the canisters on
top to create an explosion with amount of energy needed to reverse the portal.
The
portal starts sucking in all the ghosts, putting the building back together,
and Rowan Ghost starts getting sucked in as well.
Rowan
Ghost holds onto some buildings so the Ghostbusters blast him to make him let
go of his grip.
Rowan
Ghost lets go of his grip and goes into the portal, but not before taking Abby
with him.
Both
Patty and Jillian think Abby is doomed, but Erin makes a last ditch effort to
save her by going into the portal with the cord of a tow truck.
She
frees Abby from Rowan Ghost and gets out of there.
They
all celebrate even though both Erin and Abby have to deal with their white hair
now. The Ghostbusters become known now and Mayor Garcia (like I said) still
says this is all false and his excuse is terrorists drugged all the water with hallucinogens.
Oh
and Al Roker is there to say the government is claiming this wasn’t
supernatural, asking if it was the four Ghostbusters who thwarted the attack.
The Ghostbusters are watching this and…
Erin
asks if her new hair is okay and Jillian jokes that she would talk to Erin in
an AA meeting, even winking at her. She then makes a toast which is basically
about physics for some reason.
Then
Jennifer shows up.
She
basically says the mayor and the government say their thanks although
privately. But they do say the Ghostbusters will be fully funded so they can
study the paranormal so they hopefully will be better prepared next time. Oh
and that includes getting the 5 Hook & Ladder Building where the original
Ghostbusters were at.
Patty’s
uncle Bill shows up wondering what happened to his hearse.
Abby
and Erin leave the two to deal with this as we head to credits, but sadly there
is stuff in the credits as well.
Oh
and as the credits still go on, we see a cut scene where possessed Kevin and
the authorities under his trance….dance. And after the credits, we get a scene
where Patty is listening to an audio and asks Erin.
Yeah,
they were teasing a sequel there….which will probably never happen.
When
the film came out, it at first got good reviews, but as more came in…the film
didn’t get those great reviews. The biggest issue though was the box office.
This film was expected to more than its money back and for what it cost to make
the film, it did. But they spent a lot more on marketing making it need $300
million to break even for all of that and it made $229.1 million. What
happened, you may ask? Well, the idiot filmmakers expected to make some money
in the newer market in China (something that Warcraft did well to break even
completely, why Michael Bay has China featured in many of his Transformer
movies, and why Doctor Strange’s master The Ancient One was not Tibetan). But
what they failed to know is that China has a bit of an issue with releasing
films that deal with paranormal ghosts so it must have come to a shock to the
filmmakers only that China didn’t release the film. Also, all that vitriol that
the filmmakers and cast gave to the hardcore fans (calling them sexist if they
don’t spend hard earned money in today’s economy and with today’s ticket prices
to see it), they basically became they made their self-fulfilled prophecy by
doing so as several hardcore fans just said no to seeing it.
So with that done and the new year, I guess I need to get films from NegaSeth that he says is chosen by the fans until the summer when I have to deal with another Porno Pete Summer (I can't believe that son of a bitch with his record ended up winning his entire league) so what do you have.
Oh yeah, you had the best record going into the playoffs out of us all and you choked, didn't you?
You lost too and remember that you are going to be suffering more from that guy's crap than I am.
Oh come on, just let me have one small bit of joy.
No. Although you might be happy that the poll this week (that I had to scrounge up late) was very competitive this time, but ultimately....they chose one film that got two votes late to get the win. Seth, do you like dogs?
Well, I own a dog in Maili (who is my current intern) and last month, had to do an RIP for a dog named Bandit (who was my temporary intern 2012-2013), so yes.....I love dogs.
Well good, because this film deals with dogs and how they can be hell, if you catch my drift.
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