Apologies for not being able to see things at times, this film didn't have the best lighting.
Monster Crap
Inductee: Blood Diner
Shit-ar!!!
1987
In
1963, director Herschell Gordon Lewis would direct the first of his Blood
Trilogy with a film called Blood Feast.
In
it, a psychotic food caterer would go around slaughtering women so he can use
their body parts for food and perform sacrifices for an Egyptian Goddess called
Ishtar, despite the fact that Ishtar is actually a Babylonian, Assyrian, and
Akkadian goddess. It was not liked for its gore and in the United Kingdom, was
the oldest film to be put on the video nasty list.
24
years after that film was made, Jackie Kong (director of The Being and Night
Patrol) would try to make a sequel to the film, but eventually decided to make
it be a spiritual successor because it can be kind of hard to be an actual
sequel to a film if you have nobody from the original. Like Blood Feast, Blood
Diner would be a film that was not supposed to be taken serious. But unlike
Blood Feast, this film attempted to go straight into comedy with it.
Because
this is a low budget film from the 80s, this will have nobody in it who has
done much before and after while having a cult following. So without further
ado….let’s get into Blood Diner.
We
start off with getting a warning about blood cults.
Offended
By Such Material? You Have No Idea The Shit NegaSeth Or Porno Pete Put Me
Through, I Think I’ll Be Fine With This Horror Comedy.
And
considering most of this cast are people who did just this one film, they
better be seasoned veterans at this stuff.
We
go back to 1961 where two boys are left home alone by their mom who has run out
of tampons.
That
Better Be Meant As A Toy Because I Would Really Need To Question The Budget Of
This Film If That Was Meant To Be Real Food.
Okay,
Crisis Averted….That Stuff Was Supposed To Be The Kids Playing Make Believe.
Meanwhile,
we see someone coming to the house with ominous music and a heavy breathing
problem. We then hear the stereo telling us that a maniac is on the loose who
has a meat cleaver in one hand and his genitals in another.
We
see that George is the one making the fake food while Michael is learning
hypnosis from a cat clock.
Michael
tries to hypnotize the dog named Spunky, but it doesn’t work.
By
The Way, Little Michael Here Is Played By A Girl Named Roxanne Osco.
Just
then, they hear noises from outside and someone tries to get into the house,
but the door is locked. But that doesn’t deter this psychopath as he busts
through the cardboard door just like Jason Voorhees.
The
kids hide behind the toy chest, but when they look out…they maniac actually
greets them happily as it is Uncle Anwar Namtut.
He
Even Dropped The Meat Cleaver To Talk To His Two Favorite Boys. But Where Are
The Genitals He Was Holding In His Hand?
Don’t
worry…you will see those genitals right about never. But anyway, it’s actually
refreshing to see a film where the crazy guy has no intention of hurting the
kids in any way. Jackie Kong is thankfully not Uwe Boll.
Uncle
Anwar asks how his two favorite nephews are doing. George reveals his cooking
via clay and Anwar says that is good enough to eat while Michael says he is
still working on his hypnotism, which Anwar tells him to keep working on it
until he reaches perfection. He gives the boys two Lumerian amulets that are
over 5 million years old.
He
then tells the kids he has to go as he is in a bit of a pickle. He also makes
the boys never forget him and all of his teachings about the ancient Lumarian
Goddess Sheetar. He then goes out and screams Sheetar before obviously getting
shot by the cops who are outside. The kids are heartbroken that their favorite
uncle died, but Michael sees that he is able to perfect his hypnotism skills.
Twenty
years later…
A
night guard comes by and we get the opening title screen.
He
comes upon George digging up Anwar’s grave (the words I’ll Be Back put on his
tombstone, but isn’t too sure about the grave robbing until he gets close.
You’re
Obviously A Moron So You Deserve To Die
And
he does die as George yells boo at him and Michael pops the guard on the head
so hard that his eyes pop out.
Michael
Is Really Freaking Strong Or That Guard Is Really Freaking Weak
The
boys open up the coffin, grab the brain from Anwar’s corpse, put it in a jar
with some chemicals meant to keep it fresh, and chant some words as we hear
Anwar’s voice signifying the magic worked. The boys are happy.
We
then go to the police chief who are unhappy about the grave robbing and the
guard’s death.
His
detective Mark Shepard talks about the guard being hacked to pieces as well
(which didn’t see. He says that Mark needs help so he is assigning him a new
partner. His new partner is from New York and she broke some enema case wide
open while posing as a sex surrogate.
Back
at Tutman Café (Get it….it is Namtut spelled backwards), Uncle Anwar tells the
two that now that they are anointed Disciples of Sheetar, they need to do
exactly what he asks so they can resurrect Sheetar.
How
Did The Brain Get His Eyes? Who Knows? It Can’t Be The Guard’s Eyes As That
Would Never Work Scientifically. But Then Again, There Isn’t Much Scientific
With This Film So I’ll Just Shut Up About That.
Anwar
tells the boys that they must be disciplined so they will not fail in
controlling themselves like he did. They must construct the body of Sheetar
from many immoral girls, do a ceremony to resurrect Sheetar that involves a
blood buffet with body parts, and find a virgin to sacrifice since when Sheetar
awakens, she will be very hungry and a virgin is the only way it can get done.
We
then go to the next day as we see the boys cooking and learn that this Tutman
Café Diner is a diner that serves vegetarian food (which in an ironic twist,
they cook with human body parts so the people are actually eating meat when
they don’t know it). The place is very popular with a fat guy named Vitamin
telling George (who loves pro wrestling and watches matches with a man named
Little Jimmy Hitler) that this is the best vegetarian food he has ever tasted.
We
then hear some cheerleaders trying to get their fellow cheerleader named Connie
to join them in some Naked Aerobics film because they want to be different and
there is a group that does vegetarian and a group that does aerobics.
She
doesn’t feel comfortable doing it so she declines. The cheerleaders mock her
for having no spine. Connie is about to cry over being made fun of by her so-called
friends who leave because they are about to get a ticket.
George
goes behind the one way mirror and puts Anwar in place so he can choose the
victims and the virgin. Connie goes to pay for her meal and when asked about
her hardly touching her food, she says that she is just upset and the food was
fine. Michael then gives her some advice and tells her to ignore those
so-called friends as they used to come in here dressed like Flashdance, and
they looked really stupid. He invites her to be on a list for special people to
be at their Lumerian feast, which there hasn’t been one since 5 million years
BC. Meanwhile Vitamin mocks George’s love of wrestling as a homo sport so
George punches him. Michael uses his hypnosis on Connie to make sure that she
comes back to see them again.
We
Only Know He Is Doing Hypnosis By The Ominous Music, Michael’s Stare, and
Connie’s Hypnotized Reply.
We
then go to Naked Aerobics and I call rip off on it because they are only
topless. Sadly it would take too much black boxing for these scenes so you’ll
have to take my word for it that this stuff happened. We learn that this will
be broadcast on cable (which is impossible). The head leaves as the trainer
keeps working, but a man in a Reagan masks comes in and shoots up the place.
All
the girls at this place get killed and the two people doing this are George and
Michael. The reason they are doing this: to get parts for Sheetar and the rest
for their diner food.
Michael
then shows up saying that he has found the head that will be Sheetar’s head.
We
then see the cops cleaning up the blood and investigating the scene.
You
Cops Are Doing It All Wrong! You Don’t Clean Up Blood Splatter As That May Be
Evidence!
Thanks,
Dexter. The cops are disgusted by this massacre and the chief is among one of
them who is having trouble holding his stomach. Mark makes a joke about someone
having a Do It Yourself Lunch Meat Party and gets the appropriate reaction for
that bad joke by the chief.
They
talk about this being the work of the same killer and they are met by Mark’s
new partner Sheba, who agrees.
And
being that she is a woman, Mark immediately tries to hit on her. The chief also
mentions that there is a biker gang known for cannibalism, but they have never
gone this far. Back at the restaurant, they put a girl named Cindy’s name on
the special list while she is with her boyfriend Buzz.
Vitamin
tells the two that he is fixing to make them famous as good health food is hard
to find in this city. He asks about the special ingredient in the Tuesday
Surprise, but Michael says that if he told him…it wouldn’t be a surprise.
Michael sees Connie reading the paper about her cheerleading friends getting
massacred.
Michael
tells George to cover for him as he goes outside to console Connie over their
deaths. Connie mentions that it could have been her if she didn’t refuse.
Michaels tells her that if anyone even looks at her cross-eyed, to tell him and
he will handle it. He gives her his Lumerian amulet as good luck. He also
hypnotizes her to not tell her father, who as mentioned by one of the nude
aerobics girls earlier, is a former police chief.
We
also see Little Jimmy Hitler get on the mic and challenge people to a match at
a show that will be near where George and Michael are at so they will be
attending and George is definitely accepting.
Vitamin
challenges George to an arm-wrestling contest, but with George being nuts, he
puts him in a chokehold instead, who pukes on a waitress.
After
the incident, George gives him another plate of food on the house as an apology
for his aggression.
At
the police station, they learn that all the girls were vegetarians, which makes
them want to investigate places that serve vegetarian food (or as they call it,
health food). The police chief believes it might be the biker group of
cannibals, but Mark and Sheba is not so sure about that. Mark again tries to
hit on Sheba, but she turns him down.
We
then see the boys sewing up body parts to make Sheetar. We also learn that
Anwar’s mistake was having sex with the virgin before the ceremony so he messed
the whole thing up. He said he cut off his shlong as punishment to himself
after the Glee Club Massacre. He also talks about the good old days of his
killings, which he uses old stock footage of men beating up women.
Yeah,
None Of It Is Anwar.
Anwar
then insults the boys for messing around and tells them that they need the
stomachs of two tramps. He tells Michael to keep George out of those gay bars,
implying that George might be gay or bisexual (I’m guessing the latter based on
his personality). He also says that Sheetar looks good and if he had his
shlong, she would know the meaning of machismo.
The
boys then dress up to go to a night club.
Looking
Like Posers From The 70s.
A
bouncer doesn’t want to let the two boys in so George throws him into an
oncoming Lowrider which crushes his head.
Another
bouncers says they are cool to go him and asks if his now dead buddy if he is
okay. Well, considering he just had his head crushed by a vehicle, I would say
he is not okay. While in the club, George and Michael find their planned
victims.
The
girls are also into them and they make the move. They decide to take the party
back to the diner. We then go to Mark and Sheba who are interviewing a nearby
cook named Stan who has one customer.
Yeah,
This Is Supposed To Be A Real Person And Even Has A Voice.
Stan
hates the Tutman Café Diner because it takes all the business away from him.
The doll person talks about how the diner has a seasoning that is to die for,
but it is kept a secret. The cops basically tell the cook to tell them if they
see anybody and they also doubt that the Cannibal Bikers are there as they now
cook their own food. After the cops leave, the doll customer recommends to Stan
they go spying and Stan agrees, saying he will give his right arm for that secret
recipe.
We
head back to the diner and we see Michael making out with the woman with the
ugly hair named Peggy and tells George to show the other girl named Joanne the
back room. Michael then gets an idea to rub Peggy with batter while Joanne and
George make out with tongue. Michael puts some on her face and then dunks her
head into the fryer. She is able to escape her predicament, but her head is now
is fried.
As
she can’t see, she isn’t able to escape and she gets her head taken off by a
broom.
Joanne
is interrupted from her making out with George by Peggy’s fried head. That gets
her out of the mood and because she doesn’t know that is Peggy’s fried head,
she goes looking for Peggy to leave as she isn’t comfortable. She unfortunately
sees Michael taking the stomach out of her headless body.
She
goes to leave, but she has to go back for her purse. She picks up her purse,
but stuff falls off of her purse. She puts all the stuff in her purse, but she
took too long and she gets cut in half by George with a meat cleaver.
As
the body parts are being put into the van, George decides to spray paint
Trezpazers Will Be Eatin…
In
Blood!
We
then go to a hobo lady who finds a hand in a trash bag.
This
hand had a Lumerian amulet so of course they take it to a Lumerian expert.
The
expert says that they found the artifacts by accident when they were looking
for the lost city of Atlantis, but now she believes both cultures existed
simultaneously. She says that amulet is from a sect that worshipped the
bloodthirsty goddess of black magic known as Sheetar. She also talks about what
they needed to resurrect the goddess. She also says that it is suspected that
some followers might have survived.
We
then go back to the nephews who are making the food for the feast. Anwar says
that within the next 48 hours, the moon will align of Jupiter, which is the
only time Sheetar can take her mortal body. George and Michael give some of the
feast to Anwar who likes it. Anwar wants them to get the virgin by tomorrow as
the boys need to open up the diner.
At
the diner, they give free hors d’oeuvres. They also give out T-shirts and foot
cream. Anwar also reveals that the next ingredient is the lungs and livers of
two sluts. Michael then meets with Connie again. Michael this time tries to get
a date with Connie to a wrestling event that George will be wrestling. She
initially declines, but he hypnotizes her to accept.
They
give a doggie bag to a guy in a cowboy hat that we know is Stan and the doll
customer.
Vitamin
of course tells them who that was and Michael finds it all very interesting. A
guy from the IRS shows up to check their books.
George
follows him to the back and we never see the IRS guy again, but George comes
back with fish fingers, which we can guess is means he killed the IRS guy.
The
next night, Anwar tells them to kill Cindy. They learn that she is at the caves
with her boyfriend Buzz so George is sent to kill her while Michael goes to the
clubs where they will find another slut who will remain nameless. We then meet
one of the cannibal bikers.
The
biker’s bike dies so he looks for a ride. Unfortunately for him, the ride
coming is George in the van and decides to run this guy over for fun.
The
biker survives so George reverses the car so he can run him over again.
This
continues several more times before the biker finally dies. We move on to the
caves where Cindy and Buzz are gonna have some sex.
Cindy
feels weird about doing this with people butchering vegetarians, but Buzz says
that he is here to protect her. George shows up and immediately knocks out
Buzz.
We
then see Cindy put up more of a fight than Buzz with…
George
gets his ass kicked and he thankfully gets saved by a stalactite, which pierces
Cindy’s head, killing her.
Michael
of course picks up this random slut.
George
picks up the body parts and then kicks the dead body out of embarrassment.
The
cops look over the dead body and hear from Buzz, who feels horrible because it
was his idea to have sex out here and he promised to protect her. Sheba thinks
this looks like the work of an old case and says it might be a Lumerian cult.
The police chief is aghast by this idea and still believes in the Cannibal
Bikers. Despite the fact that the chief got told it couldn’t be them as one of
them was just run over, the chief doesn’t want to hear another word about this
cult idea. The two decide they want to talk to former police chief Paul
Stanton.
Back
at the diner, George enters as he doesn’t realize he is being watched.
After the body parts are put in the stew, Anwar tells the two the next step is to set up the guests at a night club and get the virgin. Michael reveals a secret ingredient to get guests to eat the food.
We
also find out that nameless slut got her body drained of blood as they carry
her away.
The
boys leave as Stan decides he is going to break in to the place and
investigate, despite his doll friend’s advice not to do so. At the night club
known as Dread, they give the club owners stuff to get the people hungry along
with drugs to keep them from leaving. We then go to Mark talking to Paul
Stanton about the case of Anwar.
Paul
then reminisces about the day the caught him.
Anyway,
we see the whole thing as Anwar got gunned down.
Oh
and we also find out that Paul’s daughter is Connie.
We
then go to the wrestling event as it is time for George aka Luscious Lou The
Lumerian to take on Little Jimmy Hitler while Michael and Connie are in the
front row.
Luscious
Lou gets his ass kicked for most of the fight, but Michael hits Jimmy with a
slingshot.
This
gives Luscious Lou an advantage and he starts doing evil stuff and gnaws off a
piece of Jimmy Hitler’s leg.
Blood
starts squirting at Connie which doesn’t make her happy and Michael’s brother
as Luscious Lou doesn’t make things better by spitting the piece of flesh at
her.
Luscious Lou pins Jimmy Hitler to win the match.
Michael
goes after Connie and Connie demands to leave. This screwing up his plans, Michael
decides to cold cock her.
He
carries her back and tells a fan that she fainted because she couldn’t see the
sight of blood. Meanwhile, Sheba gets called by Mark to look at the Hall of
Records into any surviving relatives of Anwar. The van that Michael and George
are in passes by and Michael moons her.
After
that exchange, Sheba sees the back of the truck with her writing of Namtut to
make a shocking discovery.
Back
at the Tutman Café diner, Michael and George bring in a gagged Connie. Michael
calls Connie an ingrate and tells her that she has been saved specially for
Sheetar as when the goddess wakes up, she is going to be a bit hungry and she
will need a virgin to eat. They are about to prepare the ritual, but they
realize that Anwar is missing. They hear the wind blow the backdoor and realize
that someone broke into the place and whoever that is stole Anwar. Michael then
realizes that it must have been Stan so they decide to pay their competing chef
a visit.
George
goes to lock the front door, but he gets stopped by Sheba, who is here to
arrest him. George (being a bit off crazy) dances around with his hands up.
This basically distracts her so Michael can come up from the front door and
knock the female cop out. They hang her up and Michael says that Sheetar may
need a little snack afterwards so they will keep her around.
Back
at Stan’s restaurant, Stan is trying to get the secret recipe to the seasoning
that makes the Tutman Café’s food so good. George and Michael show up and
Michael stabs Stan in the shoulder. The two continue to play cat and mouse with
Stan while Michael also has the dummy customer as a hostage. Stan then
threatens to smash the brain, but ultimately throws it to the two before trying
to escape. He tries to open the gated backdoor with the key being outside for
some reason, but he gets his right arm chopped off by the two who are already
outside.
Stan
yells at the two for cutting off his arms and swearing revenge while trying to
get in his car to escape. So of course, the brothers cut off Stan’s other arm
while Stan was trying to close the door.
Despite
having no hands to drive the car and just two stumps, Stan still tries to drive
away while his bleeding blocks his vision and still swears revenge.
Unfortunately
for Stan, he crashes into a mountain and is supposed to die even though the
crash didn’t seem like it would do much.
Mark
saves Sheba and Sheba reveals that it was George and Michael who were doing all
the killings. They put out an “All Points Bulletin” on the two killers and
despite Mark thinking Sheba should go to the hospital, the female cop refuses.
While
in the van, George saws into Sheeba’s head and puts Anwar into her head. We
then go to the night club where people are having fun with those hunger pills. And
we get the band White Trash.
Meanwhile,
the Tutman boys set up their ritual and some people start turning green and
eating the stew.
The
green people not satisfied with the stew, start killing others.
Meanwhile,
Sheba and Mark are able to force their way into the club.
After
enough chanting and enough chaos, Sheetar awakens.
Michael
is about to kill Connie when Sheba shoots the dagger out of his hand.
The
two brothers try to hide through the crowd as Sheetar spews green stuff.
Michael
then tells Sheetar to use her powers of Jupiter to invoke her vengeance.
We
see that Sheetar has teeth in her stomach and she also has lightning powers
that she uses to kill people, including the club owners and the band.
Mark
and Sheba start killing zombies and ultimately, Mark kills Michael with a
bullet to the head.
This
enrages George who also tries to kill Mark with Sheba’s stomach mouth, but Sheba
kicks George into Sheetar’s head.
An
explosion happens, ending this reign of terror, the damage is surveyed, and
everyone gets to live happily ever after….or do they?
And
thus our movie ends.
Not
much is known about the making of this movie because it wasn’t released on DVD
until 2012 and when it was released, it was sandwiched in with 5 other films by
Lionsgate, despite rumors of a special edition DVD coming out with commentary
to fill the holes that were never explained about the production. Hell, I don’t
even know who was the voice of the doll that was a customer at Stan’s
restaurant.
But
what we do know is what happened to some of the actors afterwards. Probably the
only people who did anything of significance afterwards was Joe Barton (who
played the hitchhiking biker who kept getting run over by George) as on that
same year, he played the squealing killer known as Buddy Bacon in the slasher
film Slaughterhouse, and John Randall (who played Buzz) played one of the
cronies who chased Young Forest in Forest Gump.
Sadly though, two people are no longer with us as the previously
mentioned John Randall died in 1997 at the age of 81, 3 years and the star of
this film Rick Burks (who played Michael) as 2 years after this film was released,
Rick would die at the age of 38 in a road accident. He was sadly in the car as
the passenger while his so-called friend was the driver and under the
influence. This so-called friend also ran away after the accident leaving Rick
there to die. That is really too bad as Rick actually was good as Michael and
you could see why someone like Connie would find him charming.
As
for my thoughts on the film, well…other than Rick Burks, many of the people in
this film were obviously not ready to be big screen film actors and it showed.
Also, the jokes were not funny in my opinion although I could see other people
liking it. But I will give credit that the effects are good and believable. I
guess ultimately, it isn’t my kind of movie to like, but then again…I didn’t
really like Blood Feast either so it is fitting that I don’t like a film that
is trying to parody another film I didn’t like.
Well,
now that we have finished that film, I guess it is time for NegaSeth to show up
in 3,2,1….
Well,
well, well….right on time. You arrive
like clockwork. So what horrible film do you have for me before you leave me
alone and I can continue not having to worry about you?
I see we are getting a bit of an attitude here.
Maybe
it is more annoyance of dealing with you or maybe it is the fact that I beat
you in the Fantasy Football bet this year which means this summer, I choose the
films I induct and they will be all films I will enjoy. So just spit it out.
Fine…I won’t be here longer than need be. You see,
Seth…I noticed your nominees for the GINO Award of this year and I noticed you
missed a certain overhyped pile of garbage that I know you saw because I also
read your twitter page too.
What
the hell are you…oh dear god, not that.
Oh yes, that…you see, you are going to be inducting
the much maligned film that began in the 90s on Rotten Tomatoes before people
got wise to the film. Your next induction will be…
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