Monster Crap
Induction: Black Christmas
A Remake That Makes My Heart Three Sizes Too Small
2006
In
1974, Bob Clark made his fifth film, Black Christmas. The film starred Olivia
Hussey and Margot Kidder and was about a killer who sneaked into a girl’s
dormitory and starts killing the girls. It is very creepy and predates the film
that a lot of people love to say was responsible for the slasher genre in John
Carpenter’s film, Halloween. Not to spoil too much, but the killer kills people
and the surviving girl finds out that the killer was always inside the house
from the calls from the killer throughout the film that were traced, something
that pre-dated a well-known film that did this in Where A Stranger Calls.
While
it didn’t get the love and respect from the American audience upon its initial
release, it was beloved by the audience of where it was filmed (which is
Canada) and years later, many people have gotten around to calling it a classic
in the slasher genre and a huge classic in the realm of Christmas horror films,
which is something that exists.
You
Might Have Heard Of One That Came Out This Year Called Krampus. I Saw It And I
Loved The Film. I Am Also Glad To Tell You That Unlike The Film That We Will Be
Reviewing, This Film Did Well In The Box Office.
Anyway,
Bob Clark was thankfully be able to rebound from a film that was not given the
respect it deserved initially with the comedy Porky’s and then ironically a
Christmas film that was everything unlike Black Christmas in A Christmas Story.
If
You Have Never Heard Of This Christmas Film, I Really Have A Lot Questions
About How You Were Raised.
I
love the original Black Christmas and it really is a film that you really
shouldn’t watch with the lights out.
Especially
When You Have Scenes Like This.
So
when I heard there was a remake being made about this film, I was really happy
to see what they could do for a modern setting. And yes, for those asking, I
didn’t really grasp the whole idea that I should be dreading remakes of films
these days. So you might imagine my extreme anger when I came out of seeing
this remake in theaters. And I have heard the defenders of this film (including
the man who runs Good Bad Flicks (cheap plug)) who like this film for having
the feeling of a Christmas film with its lighting and colors while also being a
film that didn’t shy away from being gory. It was rated R after all and not a
PG-13, which can be done right (see Krampus again), but it more often than not
fails (see The Fog remake). But I am going to show you while I will admit that
this film does have those, it fails in so many other areas. So let’s get this
film that would be equivalent to a piece of coal if you gave it to me for
Christmas.
We
begin with a look at the sorority house, where our nightmare will be taking
place.
I
Normally Don’t Say This, But The Christmas Lights Placement On This House Makes
It Look A Bit Tacky.
We
then go to Clair writing the card on her gift to her sister Leigh.
And
She Is Drinking Wine. Because If You Are Going Through The Hassle Of Wrapping
Presents, You Might As Well Get A Little Buzzed While Doing It.
She
puts the pen down because she needs to think of what to write her sister on the
card. She hears noises from the closet and goes to investigate. Now in the
original, this is where the most well-known kill in the film happens as Clare
(same name, just spelled differently) gets attacked by plastic wrapping that is
normally used to keep a suit wrinkle free and suffocated to death. That doesn’t
happen here and that’s okay because you really don’t want to copy everything
from the original.
Instead
Clair sees nothing in the closet and goes back to write the card, but we see
that someone is hiding under the bed.
Clair
goes to write more on the card other than her sister’s name, but she finds that
the pen is missing. Suddenly, her head is wrapped under a plastic bag and as
she tries to breath and escape, she gets stabbed by the pen.
And
With That Kill, We Get Our Opening Title Card
We
then go to a sanitarium where a worker is passing out Christmas food to the
inmates. The worker drops a small carton of milk which jars the door open.
Hmm….Maybe
This Will Be Used To Have Someone Sneak In And Get An Inmate Out. (Spoiler:
Nope)
So
the worker passes out food and we see someone with black gloves coming in. The
black boots are sneaking behind the person and we get a little attempt at humor
as one of the inmates acts like a disciple.
And
Gets No Food For That Shit Because The Worker Is Kind Of A Dick
The
worker turns around and meets the black gloved and black botted figure who is…
Hi
Santa (Oh And Two Years After This Film) This Actor Would Be Some Guy Named
Chet In Twilight: New Moon. Lovely…
The
worker asks the guy in the Santa suit how he got in here and Santa reveals the
door was open and he got lost on the way to the children’s ward. The worker
goes back to see the milk leaves the door ajar and takes the milk out so it
stays close. A black guard comes by and reveals this isn’t a place for Santa.
He
then sees a cell for a William Edward Lenz, who he asks if it is Billy Lenz,
the man who killed his family on Christmas when the guy in the Santa suit was a
kid. The guard says it is and He decides against that idea. The black guard
reveals that the padlock to his cell is for Billy Lenz is he wants to feel at
home (especially on Christmas) since he was locked in the attic. The guard also
reveals that every year, Billy tries to escape his cell so he can go home.
The
worker then gives Billy his Christmas Eve dinner, which is Christmas cookies, a
candy cane, and some chicken. The worker says that it is the closest they could
get to how his mom used to taste, which means Billy might have eaten his mom’s
body.
Oh
Man…
Time
to make or ruin a friend of mine’s Raymond Gallant’s day. The actor who played
this worker went on 4 years later to provide the voice for a memorable
character in one of his favorite shows. What role is that, you may ask?
Eeeyup…
Billy
opens his hole on the door and grabs the food.
We
then go to a car where Kelli is making out with her boyfriend Kyle.
You
Might Remember The Actress Who Plays Kelli As The Actress Who Plays Kris in The
Terrible Nightmare On Elm Street Remake
Kyle
tries to get her to stay with him for Christmas, but Kelli is insistent that
she must stay with her sorority sisters on Christmas as is tradition for them.
But she then says she will stay with Kyle after Christmas to make up for this
tradition not giving them time for each other on Christmas, besides when Kelli
has to work. Kelli says she has never been with a big family before like her
sisters are and Kyle says he is her family now. She laughs, says she loves him,
and leaves.
We
then see Kyle getting a phone call and we see it is from another sorority
sister, Megan, who is upset with him.
We
don’t know why she is upset with him and we’ll find out later why. Meanwhile,
we meet most of the rest of the sisters in Melissa, Heather, and Dana and their
house mother in Ms. Mac.
Let’s
talk about these actresses. Melissa is played by Michelle Trachtenberg, who
started out on The Adventures of Pete and Pete, was the lead in Nickelodeon’s
first film Harriet The Spy, was the very unpopular with the fans Dawn Summers
on Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and was Jenny in the cult comedy film Eurotrip.
Basically Michelle is known for being one of those child stars who was able to
transition into being an adult actress. Heather is played by Mary Elizabeth
Winstead, who you might remember as the star in that The Thing Prequel.
As
I have mentioned in that induction, any time I see Mary Elizabeth Winstead in a
film, I know I am going to hate it and I mentioned that she was terrible in
this film so we will get to her annoying character in this induction later. Dana
is played by Lacey Chabert, She was well known as a TV actress on Party of Five
and as a voice actress for The Wild Thornberries. And Mrs. Mac is perfect
casting as they got Andrea Martin to play her. Who is Andrea Martin, you ask?
Well, she is well known as a comedian as she was one of the members of SCTV and
even before that, she was actually in the original Black Christmas.
She
Was Phyllis
Anyway,
Ms. Mac is unhappy because Billy’s present isn’t under the Christmas tree
because the sorority does a tradition of giving Billy a present as he used to
live here. Dana wants to get this over with because she doesn’t like her family
so Christmas time is not the best time for her and wants to just be a party
girl. Heather is a spoiled princess, that’s it. Melissa kinda of snarky and
talks about Clair needing to spend time with her half-sister and mom in
attempts to bury the hatchet. Dana says she wants to bury the hatchet right on
her sister’s head.
Back
at the sanitarium, Billy gives the guard a present, which is basically a note
that says he’ll be home for Christmas. The night guard looks in his room and
doesn’t see Billy there, but does see a giant hole in the wall. So he opens the
cell to investigate the hole and not what most guards would do, check
everywhere else first to make sure he isn’t playing some distraction game. And
why does he do this, you ask? So Billy can play the distraction game and sneak
up from under the bed and the candy cane he has sharpened into the guard’s
neck.
Few
problems with this. One, like I said….if a prisoner was believed to might have
escaped…the warning bells would be sounded and Billy’s little plan would fail
because he didn’t have long enough to escape through the hole and out of the
sanitarium since a minute ago, we saw him in the damn rocking chair. Two, real
candy canes would not be widely given to inmates as they could easily create a
shiv with that like Billy did in this film to kill the guard. Three, that
sanitarium door would screw him from escaping because unless the worker somehow
left a milk carton again on the door again to leave it ajar, as the door is
really closed from the outside. Billy only escapes the sanitarium due to
complete incompetence.
Back
at the sorority house, Kelli tries to get people to come down to open up their
presents, but nobody comes out. Suddenly, we meet Lauren.
She
tries to help Kelli, but banging on the door and threatening to take the
present for herself if the person they are knocking at isn’t downstairs. They
do the same thing to Megan and Megan tells them to “Fuck Christmas”. We then
see why Megan is not happy.
Yep…Megan
Had Slept With Kyle And The Video Is Online
Megan
starts hearing noises from the ceiling and goes to investigate.
And
We See Clair’s Bag Covered Head On The Rocking Chair Because That Was Done In
The Original
Megan’s
investigation leads her to the attic, which idiotically, she decides to
investigate herself. Her reward for this stupidity is a plastic bag over the
head and a sharp object to the head.
Then
the killer takes her eyeballs out of her head manually.
Okay,
movie…I know the plastic bag kill was a popular kill in the original film, but
you already did that kill. You don’t need to do that kill over and over and
over again, which guess what, this film does.
Back
at the sanitarium, where the guy in the Santa gets hit on by a female worker.
A
Female Worker Who Was The Pink Ranger In Power Rangers SPD
Santa
here wants some action so he waits for her to get off her shift so he can sleep
around, but Billy has other ideas.
We
then see someone in a Santa suit carrying a bag out of the sanitarium. He dumps
the bag that has the original guy in the Santa suit’s body in it and takes the
suit off so we can realize that Billy has now escaped from the sanitarium.
Although
I hate to say this, but as you know, Billy has jaundice so he has yellow skin
and everyone in the sanitarium knows this. So Santa Billy walked by several
people before leaving and I think one of them might have noticed the yellow
skin. This isn’t a race thing, this is a rare disease thing and knowing you
have an inmate with that so unless this place is run by morons, someone would
make him reveal himself so he would know if he was Billy or not.
At
the sorority house, Heather wants Ms. Mac to open her present first, but Ms.
Mac says that tradition says Billy’s gift is opened first. Heather finally
reveals that she was the one who drew Billy’s name in the Secret Santa, but
hates this whole tradition for a serial killer. Melissa corrects her and says
serial killers kill people over time, what Billy did which was kill people in
one night, was a spree killing as he just lost it. She then says she is
offended they do this offering to protect the place, but Lauren says nothing in
Christmas is exactly Christian, which Heather obviously is. When Lauren finally
goes into Santa breaking into people’s houses and wonders how that is different
from Billy, Ms. Mac reveals what we have known all along, Billy lived here.
We
then go back to the date of Billy’s birth and they explain that Billy was born
with Jaundice, which we all knew. His mother and father don’t exactly like each
other and because the mom doesn’t like the dad, she doesn’t like Billy as to
her, he represents the dad.
And
She Breaks A Ball That Says “Baby’s First Christmas 1970” Just Out Of Spite
I
guess I should talk about Billy’s dad, who is played by Peter Wilds, who for a
long time was a voice actor.
In
fact, his voice actor roles include the English voice for Terry Bogard in the
Fatal Fury anime series and as Dingo in that terrible Sonic Underground series.
Thankfully,
I Will Never Have To Talk About That Dung Heap Of A Show
Then
five years later, we see Billy having fun with his father on Christmas Eve and
his mom lies and says that the Russians shot Santa out of the sky so there will
be no Christmas this year.
The
father tells Billy not to listen to his mother and tells him there is a present
for him in the closet. Billy goes to the closet, but as he is opening his
present. He hears a door open and we find out that the mother had been cheating
on the father with another man. Billy goes downstairs and hides as he sees his
father get killed by the two of them.
Billy
then sneaks to underneath the house because this house has ways of having paths
between the walls to get everywhere,
Billy’s
jaundice face gets spotted and the two killers chase him. Billy goes to the
attic and Mrs. Lenz decides to lock him in there.
Storytelling
gets interrupted as there is a phone call to the house. They answer the phone
and it is from a man, saying “She’s my family now”, along with other lines than
makes you know this cannot come from one person unless this killer has a video
recorder, this film is unbelievable. The original actually had ways that you
could believe it was from one psychotic and demented killer so the original
gets points over this one on that too.
Okay…Now
I Am Imagining The Killer In This Film Having One Of These And I Am Laughing My Ass Off.
Heather
wants the police to be called and Lauren says the police aren’t going to do
anything about one prank call. Um…that wasn’t a prank call, the caller
threatened to kill you. They check and we find out the calls came from Clair’s
cell phone. Heather and Lauren have issues as it is obvious Lauren wishes she
had Heather’s family support. We also meet Eve, the sister who says they are
her family and they don’t like.
Wonder
If Her Nickname Is Red And Her Last Name Is Herring.
She
gives Heather a glass unicorn head because she knows Heather likes the bible
and stuff.
Unicorns
aren’t in the bible!!! Who the fuck wrote that line??!!!! If you wanted to have
the glass unicorn head from the original to give as a gift, have Eve says she
knows Heather likes mythology and stuff. Don’t be insulting my intelligence or that of
anyone who is religious.
Anyway,
as the rest are opening presents, we go back to the past with it being 1982.
Mrs. Lenz is having sex with the man who is now the stepfather, but he falls
asleep.
Sadly,
she is still horny and there is only one other person in the house so she goes
to the attic and rapes Billy, her own son.
Oh
My Fucking God!!! Are You Serious With This Incestuous Pedophilic Rape??!!!
Nine
months later, we see that Mrs. Lenz now has a daughter named Agnes.
She
hears the rocking from the ceiling and Mrs. Lenz whispers that “She is my
family now”. They then cut to Eve as if to continue the red herring BS as they
follow her from behind as she disappears before getting her present. Ms. Mac
says it is time for Lauren’s present, but Dana says all Lauren needs is a shot
of Tequila, making fun of her obvious alcohol problem. Melissa reveals that she
knows what her Secret Santa got Lauren, which is a music box that plays “Dance
of the Sugar Plum Fairies”, which Lauren hates.
We
also see that someone is outside climbing into the sorority and entering
through Megan’s window. We then get to see more stupid stuff like Ms. Mac
getting lingerie from someone. The phone call returns and it is from Megan’s
phone. We get more noises that we know can’t come from one person unless they
are a hermaphrodite voice actor. Melissa tries to call campus security, but it
is revealed that they are unavailable during Christmas Break.
Kelli
goes up to see if Megan is in her room and you know that person sneaking into
the house through Megan’s room, well…it isn’t the killer unlike in the original
who snuck into the attic.
It’s
Kyle, Who Explains That He Wants To Spend Time With Kelli, Although We Really
Know He Was Here To Take Care Of That Video On Megan’s Computer.
When
asked if Megan was in her room, Kyle like an idiot says he doesn’t know…even
though you know, you would know if she was in there if you snuck into the room.
Heather even points that stupid thing out and Kyle becomes a dick. Oh and he
even calls them spoiled bitches while then continuing the story of what
happened to Billy Lenz.
We
then go to 1991, where Billy sees the telescope set up in his room with a card
on it. The card is from his mom and “step-dad” telling him to be good, which
pisses him off. He uses the telescope to spy on another family celebrating
Christmas. Downstairs, the step-dad is passed out on the couch from beer and a
bong. We then see the mom give Agnes a doll for Christmas.
When
she hears noises coming from upstairs, she wonders if it is Santa’s reindeer.
The mom is insistent that there is nothing up there. She then asks if Agnes
wants a Christmas cookie, before saying that Agnes is her cookie and she could
gobble her up. As the mom goes into another room, Agnes notices something
hiding behind the tree.
One
Of The Biggest Problems In This Movie Is Billy Teleporting To Places Which
Makes This Not Good. Also, The House Having Basic Secret Rooms In The Walls Is
Just Pure Bullshit To Attempt To Explain His Teleportation Skills.
Billy’s
mom gets a phone call and of course, it is from Billy. Yeah, Billy apparently
has his own line which was never talked about. And before anyone talks about
him having maybe a cellphone, I would like to remind you what cell phones
looked like in 1991.
Walkie
Talkies Were Less Obvious
Now
before anyone talks about the Black Christmas original and When A Stranger
Calls both having calls inside the house, I believe both of those films
established that there were separate lines in those houses so technically that
could happen. This film never established that.
Anyway,
Billy says that Agnes is his family now, which freaks out the mom. The mom sees
that Agnes is missing so the mom and step-dad go to the attic. Billy is not
there and they hear screams as Billy is back in the living room with Agnes, who
they disappeared a second ago. He put Agnes in a plastic bag and gouges her
eyes out so he can eat it.
The
step-dad goes after Billy, but Billy grabs a sharp object and he stabs the
step-dad with it.
The
mom screams and Billy strangles her with Christmas lights.
Billy
drags his strangled mother to the kitchen and he beats her to death with the
rolling pin.
He
then gets a cookie cutter and uses it on his mother’s back skin, which he cooks
in the oven.
The
cops show up and see the carnage and they go to the kitchen, where they see
Billy at the table eating his mom’s skin made Christmas cookies with milk.
Close
Up Of His Mouth With The Skin Cookies In It Just For Effect.
We
then find out that Billy was declared insane and Agnes was put into an
orphanage. With it being revealed through DNA that Agnes was a product of an
incestuous relationship and with her missing an eye, no one would adopt Agnes.
She disappeared after she was let out because she was 18.
A
door slams downstairs and it is Leigh, who is Clair’s half-sister.
Also The Director's Wife
She
wants to know where Clair is as she never called her. In Megan’s room, Kelli
wants to find out what happened to Megan while Kyle of course wants them to
leave the room. They decide to call Megan’s cell even though I believe that is
where the psychopath called from last time so what’s the point. We then find
out that Leigh was a member of the sorority between 1993 and 1994, but Ms. Mac
was the mother then and doesn’t remember Leigh. We then get a moment of Dana
just saying she loves Leigh’s coat, which is pointless. Oh and we find out that
the sorority got a present from Billy. They open it and it is the doll with a
note saying he’ll be home for Christmas.
Kelli
is about to go to the computer, but Kyle stops her saying that it is invasion
of privacy. We get more padding with Leigh talking about how she was in
elementary school when she was in this sorority. It was Clair who wanted the
whole burying of the hatchet between the two and their mom. Heather and Ms. Mac
see that the paper was the same as from Eve’s gift and it is from the date
Billy went crazy. We then hear them believing that since Eve lives in Billy’s
room that she might be obsessed with him. Um…Billy lived in the attic so unless
you are saying Eve lives in the attic, I don’t know what you are saying here.
And if Eve does live in the attic, that means you all must be a bunch of huge
bitches.
Lauren
throws up and because of that, she is helped upstairs. The lights go out and
because Megan’s computer goes to battery power, which allows Kelli to see the
video of Kyle having sex with her. Kyle tries to lie in saying that it happened
before they were together and that a co-worker put the video up as he was
pissed at Kyle. Kelli doesn’t buy a single word of that. Kyle gets kicked out
of the house.
Through
a window, they find out that they are the only one who doesn’t have power so it
must be that the power was knocked out. We get a moment between Lauren and
Melissa where Lauren believes Melissa is a better sister than her own sister
and Melissa responds that Dick Cheney is a better sister than Lauren’s sister.
The main breaker is revealed to be underneath the house so Dana is sent to take
care of it. Lauren goes to take a shower, but we see she is being watched.
Like
I Said, How Does This House Have So Many Secret Rooms With Peepholes.
Well,
one reason is so we can get this nice shot.
The
Peeper Will Be In His/Her Bunk
Lauren
finally goes to her bed and is left to rest while being watched by Melissa so
nothing bad happens. Heather reveals that she found the missing eyes to the
dolls and the shoebox with all of the newspaper clippings of the event in Eve’s
room, making them suspect Eve. Oh and we get a Santa Face jump scare.
Santa
Is Shaking Is Head
Dana
goes outside and under the house, but she gets attacked by a person with long
blond hair. Dana tries to grasp for the cultivator. Dana stabs the attacker
with it, but it doesn’t hurt the attacker as that person gets the cultivator
out of the arm and buries it into Dana’s head.
We
also see the skeleton of Billy’s father.
The
girls get a phone call from Dana’s cell, but it is the killer who says “She is
my family now” and we hear Dana’s scream as if to keep reminding us that all of
this is not one person’s voice. Heather and Leigh outside find Eve’s car and
despite their suspicions, find Eve’s head in it.
Nice To Know That Red Herring Was Totally Worth It (No It Wasn’t).
They
go back inside when they believe the killer is outside. Kelli calls the police,
but they reveal due to the weather, they will only be able to get there in the
morning The group then argues about whether to leave and go for help or to stay
and wait the night for help to come in the mourning. Ms. Mac and Heather want
to leave while Kelli, Leigh, and Michelle want to stay. Ms. Mac and Heather decide
to leave as the rest stay. Ms. Mac promises they will bring help back soon.
As
Ms. Mac and Heather go to the car, the people inside attempt to see the car and
see if they go anywhere. Ms. Mac is able to get the door open and unlocks the
passenger door so Heather can get in. And here is where Heather’s character
gets written the worst. Ms. Mac sees that the windshield is too iced up to see
so she produces a snow brush with ice scraper and Heather asks, “What is that?”
Are
You Fucking Kidding Me?!!!!
First
of all, even with places where snow is rare, the places get cold. And when
things get cold, car windows ice up. Windows get iced and surprisingly, you
can’t see things. So every driver has at least ONE snow brush with ice scraper
for those times when you need to go somewhere in cold weather and you don’t
have hours to wait for your car’s humidifier to melt the ice off the windows.
Even for a princess like Heather over here, she would know what one of these
things are.
Secondly,
in the rare offbeat chance that number one happens, she would see the brush and
you know, get a clue about what it is for. She did survive to be an adult after
all so common sense starts kicking in with stuff like a snow brush with ice
scraper. Whoever wrote Heather to be this dumb succeeded in making her so
unlikable that I can’t wait till she dies just so I don’t have to see her ever
again.
And
last, but certainly not least, Mary Elizabeth Winstead acts the same in this as
she does in any role she is in where she is clueless and just tries to look
good for the camera. Having someone this bad who I can’t stand makes this
character even more unlikable that I just wish she went away. There is a point
where if every film you are in, I end up hating the movie and do not like your
character (and there is several years’ worth of this BS) that maybe, just
maybe…you might not be a good actress in my mind.
Okay,
enough with the anger…let’s get back to the film. Ms. Mac is as annoyed as I am
about this, but instead of getting her stupid ass out of the car and showing
her how to do it like any reasonable person would, Ms. Mac just gets out of the
car to do it herself. Ms. Mac sees the car go up and looks in the window to see
someone in the car.
It’s
Billy, But Don't Mind Him, He Just Needed A Ride
And
That’s The Only Way We Get To Know That Heather Is Dead
Besides
the idea of me being robbed of seeing Heather’s on-screen death, the problem
here is once again Billy’s teleportation. First, he gets in the car (with the
obvious rocking of the vehicle, that’s the only way that happens) without no
doors opening or anything. Then, he has his face perfectly placed so we can see
his eye. And finally, it takes a minute for the blood to splatter all over the
inside of the car after seeing Billy’s face obviously in the front seat. An
entire minute was too good for Heather to not notice Billy in the car and not
be able to scream. This was just a lazy way to get her character out of the
movie. Although considering how lazily Mary Elizabeth Winstead acted, I guess
maybe I wouldn’t put much effort into getting her out of the film either.
Ms.
Mac freaks out and backs all the way into the garage door. When she hits the
garage door, it is so hard that an icicle falls and impales her head so she’s
dead.
Leigh
and Kelli don’t know why they are not leaving yet (never seeing any of what
happened because they are looking in back of the car and considering the
weather, never even bothering to see if someone scraped ice off the back of
the…..I hate this movie and it’s zero logic!!) The two decide to go check on
them while leaving Melissa to still watch Lauren. They go outside (in the
garage instead of the front door because that makes obvious sense, nincompoops)
and Leigh slips on some blood causing her to scream.
Ahhh….Blood
All Over This Great Coat.
Melissa
hears this and decides to go against what the two said to her and go to see
what happened, leaving Lauren all alone. Melissa doesn’t even get far before
she has a bag put over her head by the killer in the house. She is able to wriggle
her way out of the bag and tries to get to the window. She fights off the blond
haired killer, but ultimately tries too hard to get through the window instead
of finishing off the killer and it ultimately costs her.
Seriously,
She Was Doing Well With That Steel Pole So Why Stop?
The
killer grabs an ice skate and hurls it at her. It scalps Melissa and she’s
dead.
Interestingly
Enough, Melissa’s Character Was Supposed To Survive, But Michelle Trachtenberg
(Who Got The Role) Would Only Do The Film If She Was Killed Off. Same Thing I
Would Do So I Do Like That.
Surprisingly,
in international cuts, that is not the way she dies. In international cuts,
because of Hollywood guys wanting blood, Melissa gets killed with her head
being trapped in a plastic bag and the killer gouging her eye out and drags her
by the socket. Due to the fact that it didn’t require the plastic bag to be a
factor in her death, I prefer the scalping by ice skate because *gasp*…it is
different.
Kelli
and Leigh try to get through the garage door instead of going out front, but
Ms. Mac is body is blocking it from opening.
Even
Billy Can’t Believe The Stupidity Of These People That Are Living In His House
The
car stops so Kelli and Leigh decide to go back inside.
Now
it is time for the Billy (who teleported into the house) to get Lauren. The
killer gets into bed and starts molesting Lauren through the covers.
Lauren
Of Course Wakes Up And Is Alarmed By This
Lauren
grabs the unicorn head and tries to stab person molesting her, but of course…
Billy
Teleported Out Of There
Lauren
gets grabbed by the neck by the blonde haired killer.
It’s
Agnes, Alright. Seriously, If You Have Been Watching This Film With Me And You
Still Haven’t Figured This Out, You Might Be Slow In The Head.
Agnes
kills her with the unicorn head.
Kelli
and Leigh get inside and see someone outside the house. Leigh grabs a poker and
the two go upstairs. They enter Lauren’s room and Kelli wonders where Melissa
is. Kelli texts Melissa.
No
Where? What Kind of Teen Bullshit Is This Texting Phrase?
She
sends it to Melissa’s phone, but they find out that Melissa’s cell is in the
attic. The door slams open and Leigh attacks, but it is Kyle.
Kyle
fights Leigh for the poker and knocks her into Lauren, who we find out won’t be
seeing anyone anymore.
Leigh
and Kelli scream at this. Kyle and Leigh argue with each other, accusing each
other of the murders when Kelli tells them the killer is upstairs via using her
cell phone to call the killer.
Leigh
Apparently Forgot The Stuff With The Phone That Happened Just Two Minutes Ago
So
instead of going downstairs and just waiting for the cops to come and leaving
the two killers (yeah, there are two although considering the teleportation
shit, I wouldn’t blame you for not knowing) outside and upstairs or just
letting them come to them, they decide to go to the attic. But as soon as the
first person (which is Kyle) gets in the attic, he gets attacked by Agnes with
a plastic bag.
STOP
WITH THE PLASTIC BAGS!!!!
Seriously,
I understand the plastic kill in the first film was great, but you have
overdone it!!!! There have been so many plastic bag kills that it is just
ridiculous. I don’t know…I like variety in my slasher movies. And especially
when you try to ape a kill from the original so much, you muddle the attempted
homage to the original.
Leigh
and Kelli get up to the attic to attempt to save Kyle, but they arrive just in
time to see Kyle get killed.
Leigh
tries to attack Agnes, but Agnes knocks her away and also knocks Kelli away
when she tries to do the same. Leigh sees Clair and screams and Kelli screams
as Agnes rips Kyle’s eyes out.
Leigh
goes back in horror and falls through the floor.
As
Kelli tries to help Leigh back up, Agnes lights a match and reveals her gory
Christmas Tree.
Merry
Christmas, Everybody
Leigh
falls completely through the floor and Agnes tries to kill Kelli.
The
Action Starts A Fire
The
killer takes out the poker with the fake eye still intact and Kelli reveals to
anyone who still didn’t know who this is that this is Agnes. Kelli says her
brother Billy isn’t here and none of these people are her family either. Agnes
responds that her brother isn’t here, but her daddy is here (which is also
Billy). Billy then enters from the floor.
Really
Should Have Taken The Stairs…
Agnes
tries to strangle Kelli with the Christmas lights, but Kelli fights her off.
Agnes goes to the spot that his brother came through and drags Kelli with her.
Kelli falls to a certain point, but is able to hang on while Agnes falls to the
floor. With Billy climbing down and Agnes climbing up, Kelli begs Leigh to get
her out of the wall. Leigh uses a dumbbell to get Kelli out of the wall while
the fire seemingly engulfs the two killers.
Kelli
and Leigh leave as the fire continues.
We
then see Leigh visiting Kelli in the hospital.
Leigh
tells Kelli how Kelli’s parents are coming. Leigh then opens the present from
Clair in front of Kelli since she won’t be able to open it in front of her
sister. It’s a nice watch and Leigh has a tear in her eye. Kelli’s cell phone
goes off and Kelli looks at it to see it is from..
Kyle’s
Phone.
Kelli
and Leigh look out the window wondering if the nightmare is over.
Yep…I
Gave You An Alternate Ending Instead Because It Is The Ending That Should Have
Happened
A
second alternate ending had a burnt Billy dead in the hospital. The doctor asks
Leigh to confirm Agnes’ body, but the body bag opens and it is Clair’s body
instead. The doctor says that wasn’t the body that was in there. Leigh goes to
the room where Kelli is to tell her about it, but meets Agnes and gets her neck
snapped. We find out Kelli was sent for some tests and she goes back into the
room. Agnes tries to get at Kelli, but Kelli kills her using the defibrillator
to the face. Kelli then leaves with her family.
A
third alternate ending was also made where Billy flatlines in the hospital.
They show Kelli that Billy is dead and her parents take her away. The mortician
comes to claim Billy’s body, but the nurse says he was already taken to the
morgue. The mortician says that is impossible while revealing who he is and
they both realized someone stole it, while seeing Agnes hiding in the walls
through the smoke detector.
And
It’s The Dumbest Ending Of All
So
we go to the hospital where Leigh visits Kelli. Outside, the media talks about
the massacre done by Billy and Agnes. In the morgue, a body bag is rolled in
and sent to the mortician. The mortician gets drunk after an argument with his
wife because he is going to spend Christmas Eve here identifying the bodies. He
hears zipping and is curious as all the people in body bags are supposed to be,
you know…dead. He investigates the body
bag of Agnes and it isn’t moving so he zips it back up.
He
then investigates the body bag above and it is Billy Lenz who seems to show
some burn marks
Considering
He Was In His Fire, His Clothes Are Clean
Not
only that, but people placed in body bags are well…dead. They don’t put live
people in body bags unless they have some rare condition that makes them seem
dead (even when checking their pulse) or they went through military training to
affect their heart rate so much that they can seem dead. I doubt Billy Lenz and
Agnus both had EITHER of these situations so them rising from the dead in a
film that is mostly based on reality is total bullshit.
So
Billy Lenz kills the mortician with a vibrating saw.
Bye
Scotty From AVP: Requiem
Billy
then goes over and wakes up Agnes.
How
The Hell Did I Get In Here? All I Did Was Fall Asleep During A Fire And I Wake
Up In A Body Bag.
Agnes
shows no effect from the fire whatsoever. Billy and Agnes decide to sneak
through the ceiling.
We
see the same scene of Kelli and Leigh as Leigh opens the present from her dead
sister and cries on the watch that says “Family Forever”. A nurse comes in and
says the doctor wants some more X-Rays and since a technician won’t be in
tomorrow, they’ll have to do it right now. Kelli goes with the nurse and
suddenly, Leigh starts hearing movement from the ceiling (because of course you
can get to the second floor from the basement (where the morgue normally is)
rather quickly in this film). Leigh goes into the halls to investigate and
hears the door open to Kelli’s room. Leigh (being a dumbass) presumes it is
Kelli and goes back to the room to tell her about the noise. But the woman in
the bed was not Kelli, but instead it’s Agnes. Leigh then gets her neck snapped.
The
nurse escorts Kelli back to her room and talks about the door having issues.
Kelli notices the watch being on her bed with a little blood on it so she
figures out that Leigh is dead. She tries to escape, but the door issues emerge
as the door knob is stuck. The ceiling tile is removed and Agnes is coming
down. Kelli presses the button for emergency help, but this hospital staff is
negligent as hell as they are too busy listening to carolers.
You
Think I Was Kidding?
Kelli
gets her hand on the defibrillator and after a scuffle with Agnes, Kelli kills
her by using it on her head.
I
Would Like To Add That A Lot Of This (Including Leigh Death, The Agnes Death,
And The Fucking Carolers) Was In The Second Alternate Ending I Mentioned.
With
Agnes dead, Billy comes out of the ceiling and he goes after Kelli. He chases
down some empty hallways.
Rinky
Dink Hospital, I Tell You
Kelli
beats him up with a crutch, but she drops it to try to run and Billy trips her
with that same crutch. A few hospital staff see them running (and do nothing).
Billy grabs a scalpel (again, no one stops him) and fights with Kelli on a
ledge of the hospital. Kelli gets the advantage and pushes Billy off the ledge
so he can be impaled by the Christmas Tree.
Merry
Christmas From The World’s Worst Hospital. I Swear Someone Is Getting Sued For
This BS And Hopefully This Hospital Will Be Shut Down For This Nonsense.
And
the film ends with the staff looking over the carnage and “Dance of the Sugar
Plum Fairies” playing.
The
director Glenn Morgan mentions how he hates this movie because he believes
Hollywood ruined it with their desire for more gore that it became cartoonish
and despite being released in December, this film bombed. Because of this bomb,
Miller has never been allowed to direct another film since and in some ways,
while this film is shit and no amount of cutting would save this, he did direct
a really underrated remake in Willard starring Crispin Glover, so I would give
him another chance. But Glenn, if you are going to remake something, remake
something that is less known like maybe Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead
Things (a remake Bob Clark wanted to do (reason he didn’t will be explained
later)), Deathdream (another Bob Clark film), or you know, maybe something from
a lesser known director.
This film was also ruined by some asshole producer's decision to shoot scenes that will only be used in the trailers. The director didn't know about this and when he figured out, it was too late. I would like to say to whoever's bright idea it was to do that, you failed and honestly, when has shooting scenes for the trailer EVER worked?
As
far as the cast went, Katie Cassidy (who played Kelli) would go on to do
another terrible remake in the Nightmare on Elm Street Remake, but would find
her footing by being Laurel Lance in the TV series Arrow (although there are
some people who do not like her in it). Michelle Trachtenberg (who played
Melissa) was Georgina Sparks in 28 episodes of Gossip Girl and has since just
done TV movies. Mary Elizabeth Winstead (who played Heather) went to be in The
Thing Prequel (which I inducted), Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (liked by some people,
but I’m not one of them) and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (a film that was
considered a disappointment). Lacey Chabert (who played Dana) has done more
voice acting and TV movies since this crap. Andrea Martin (who played Ms. Mac) has done some stuff,
but she will be returning to her character of Aunt Voula in My Big Fat Greek
Wedding 2 (don’t ask me why they are doing a sequel to a film from more than a
decade ago with a failed television show that was supposed to be a follow up to
that film). Oliver Hudson (who played Kyle) was in Rules of Engagement for 6
years before that show ended and is now in the series Scream Queens. Karin
Konoval (who played Billy and Agnes’ mom) has gone on to become Maurice, the
orangutan in the new Planet Of The Apes movies.
But
the saddest aftermath of all was the director of the original film (and an
executive director in the remake) Bob Clark. Several months after this remake
spit upon the original, a drunk driver (who was an illegal immigrant who was
deported twice and had no freaking license) caused a car crash that killed Bob
Clark and his son (who were in a different car). His death is absolutely
saddening and I don’t think I should say anything more.
Now
for my opinion on this film and if you couldn’t tell, I freaking hate this
film. I’m sorry to all the defenders of this film, but this film was just lazy.
Instead of getting a mystery in one of the women being Agnes and killing
within, we get some random person being Agnes. And not only that, but they had
to put a guy in a wig to be Agnes, despite looking just like a man in a wig.
The acting and snark is annoying as hell. You didn’t believe one iota that the
voices on the phone were from one person. The only reason many things happened
were because of complete stupidity by people (including people who work in a
damn hospital). Deaths were repeated instead of being mixed up. Look, people….I
like gore too, but you need to have a film work around it and this film didn’t.
This was one of the most frustrating experiences re-watching this crap and in
my Worst Films I Have Ever Inducted, this would be up there. So with that said,
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a Happy New Year. I’ll see you next year
with more Monster Crap.
1. Actually, the Bible does mention unicorns (though this may depend on the version). The Book of Job mentions them when God is unleashing a barrage of rhetorical questions on Job, including saying how Job couldn't tame the unicorn so that it would stay by his bed. My guess is the reference may be to the unicorn, but I'm not into theology.
ReplyDelete2. The bit where child!Billy become the father of his own sister somehow reminded me of when TNA revealed that Jim Mitchell was Abyss' father. If you compare the ages, Mitchell would have had to be about nine years old. TNA Never Explained This (TM).
3. I laughed way too hard at your plastic bag-related outburst.
Well, they used plastic bags way too much because it was done great in the original.....the one time they used it.
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