As Dumb As You Would Expect It To Be.
2014
When
I did Piper Month, I somehow knew that in the back of my mind this film would
win. I mean, I host a wrestling podcast and my fans are also wrestling fans.
Heck, the name Monster Crap is a spinoff of the more popular Wrestle Crap. So
thus we get to do a film with the flimsiest of ideas to somehow get pro
wrestlers to fight zombies and that will be how Roddy Piper gets into Monster
Crap.
But
not only do you get to talk about Rowdy Piper and other pro wrestlers on
Monster Crap. But we also get to talk about the company known as Troma.
Heck,
They Were The Ones Who Originally Distributed The Hayao Miyazaki film My
Neighbor Tortoro (Before Disney Got The Rights To Distribute All Studio Ghibli
Films)
And
this is one of those films they just distribute so other than this mention, we
won’t be mentioning Troma anymore.
Instead,
we will talk about the real people behind this film, director Cody Knotts and
pro wrestler “The Franchise” Shane Douglas. In 2013, Shane Douglas was running
a federation called Extreme Rising that tried to keep the glory days that ECW
had, when they would do garbage matches and regular matches and mix them into a
nice cult based show. Cody Knotts would help put up some finances and Shane
Douglas would help get wrestlers in the film because he has accumulated a
number of friendships with famous wrestlers over the years. Also this film was
helped by a successful Kickstarter campaign because for a chance to have this
insanity made, why not have people able to pay for it. So with that out of the
way, let’s get to this film.
Ah…..The
Good Old Troma Intro
We
then begin with this quote.
Quoted
By Shane Douglas
We then go to a local independent wrestling show where we see our ring announcer.
And
The Cameraman Really Loves Her Legs
As
she is introducing the first match, we finally get the title card.
And
A Two Second Cameo By WCW’s Kevin Sullivan
Yeah,
this is a wrestling movie and since I am a wrestling fan, you are going to have
to get over the idea that some of the wrestling stuff will go over your head.
Then we get to sort of the plot of this movie as Taya Parker (Penthouse Pet,
former reality star in Rock Of Love (spoiler: she won and was Brett Michaels’
girlfriend), and in this film, a wrestling manager) is making out with a
wrestler named Battling Billy.
By
The Way, That Was A Stand In For Her During This Kissing Scene For Some Reason
And
of course, her on-screen on and off boyfriend “The Franchise” Shane Douglas
sees this and is pissed.
Please
No Jokes About It Looking Like A Gay Standing 69. Not Even Porno Pete Will Show
Up As He Is Not Into Man On Man Porn.
Shane
wins the match and we see that Billy is not moving.
By
The Way, That Is The Director Playing Himself, But As A Promoter And Not A
Director. The Person Beside Him Was His Girlfriend At The Time Who Ended Up
Being His Wife In Real Life. All I Can Say To Mr. Knotts Is….Good For You.
The
EMTs stretcher Billy to the back and we cut to black with a voice screaming
that Billy is dead.
We
then cut to the next scene where Promoter Cody is meeting with Angus, who he
doesn’t know is Billy’s brother and just thinks he is some guy trying to book a
private show at an abandoned prison.
Angus
Is Played By Independent Wrestling Personality Ashton Amherst, But He Didn’t
Sound Right For The Part He Will Be Playing So Cody Had Someone Dub Over Him. I
Am Not Making This Up.
He
pays Cody some good money and Cody likes the deal so he offers him to pick any
wrestler he has. He of course picks Shane Douglas and Taya Parker and tells him
he doesn’t care about the rest.
He
Also Says He Will Supply The Opponents So Everything Else Brought In…Is Cody’s
Fault In Some Way.
Cody
then decides that he will throw in “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan,
Matt Hardy, and Matt’s girlfriend Reby Sky. He also adds independent wrestlers
“The Neon Ninja” Façade & Thomas Rodman, and the porn star who wants to go
legit Greg Grove (played by gay pornstar Matthew Rush).
….Told
you Porno Pete wouldn’t show up. Finally, Cody says that with this amount of
money, they can get Olympic Gold Medalist and Former World Champion Kurt Angle.
Angus is fine with that idea and says to have Kurt be a surprise and have him
enter through the side so no one else sees him.
We
then go to a local hospital where Nurse Barbara is going out to check her makeup.
Not
Helped By Her Mirror Breaking And Some Black Smoke Coming Out Of It
She
then notices an unattended gurney with someone in it. She goes to unveil it and
it is just some paramedic who is pranking her. She then goes to the side where
we realize that she is really being watched by Angus and this fake cop named
Tez Jaguar.
Tez
Jaguar Being Of Course Played By Richard John Walters, Who Was Harry Warden In
The My Bloody Valentine Remake
Also,
he is Tezcatlipoca, a very powerful deity in Aztec religion and who in this
film is supposed to be the bad deity against Quezacoatl. Barbara gets
chloroformed by Angus and taken to his house.
Just
In Case We Forgot That Angus Is Billy’s Brother
He
then grabs the ceremonial dagger and stabs Barbara with it, killing her.
Mmmmm….Delicious
Pig Heart
Angus
then summons Tez and asks for the ability to avenge his brother.
Really
Need To Stop Smoking In This Room, Angus.
Barbara
then wakes up as a zombie and then we notice a big issue.
So
some guys (played by independent wrestlers) come in and enter the house like
they were paid to do. They are attacked by Zombie Barbara.
I’m
Sure The Dudley Boys Would Not Be Amused To See Their Move Used In This Film
And Like The Dudleys Have Said, Thou Shalt Not Mess With The Dudleys.
He
is then killed by the other zombies.
Well,
These Are All Actors In Real Life (Not His True Family), But This Is A Movie
After All So I Can Forgive That. Just Want People Reading This To Know That.
Yeah,
I think I really don’t need to keep doing that so let’s just say that other
than Matt Hardy & Reby Sky…any relationship here on forward (whether it be
familial or sexual) is just part of the script on not real life because if I
keep doing this, we are going to have a longer ass review than necessary.
Anyway….Shane
is eating breakfast with his family and hanging around his nephew Nick, who is
a huge fan of his. His family tries to get him to either quit wrestling or stay
longer with the family, but Shane refuses. Shane has some fun moments with Nick
before he leaves and asks him to watch over the rest of the family. Shane
leaves and Nick goes back inside, but he finds the place a wreck.
Uh
Oh
He then finds his dad on the floor turned into a zombie while Zombie Barbara are killing his grandmother and mom.
We
then meet Roddy Piper as he hangs with some kids.
And
For Some Reason, Taya And A Woman Named Serena Are Listening In.
So
then we are on the bus where we meet Matt Hardy.
Making
Out With A Woman That Is Obviously Not Reby Sky
Story
in real life here is Reby was unavailable so they had to stick Matt with an
extra. But in the film, it looks like Matt Hardy is a cheating bastard. This is
kind of funny because in real life, Matt Hardy had a real life incident where
he was fired by WWE because he made public that his on-screen and off-screen
girlfriend Amy Dumas aka Lita had cheated on him with his best friend Adam
Copeland aka Edge. It was a really big story in the wrestling world because Edge
was becoming a main eventer and was close to winning the world title while Lita
was in a story-line forced marriage with Glenn Jacobs’ character Kane. And of
course Matt getting fired really didn’t help anyone in WWE so Matt was
ultimately re-hired after 90 days (before he could make a killing in the
independent scene or at a smaller rival promotion) and that real life drama was
turned into a storyline feud.
We
also get a conversation between Sarah and Piper about why he is friends with
Shane Douglas. Of course, there was a deleted scene where Shane was a jerk to
Sarah to explain why she would ask him about this, but you know….time and
everything. Piper reveals that while sometimes he has questioned Shane’s
motives, he also knows that as long as he has known him, Shane puts his
personal honor above everything. He then simplifies it by saying that everyone
covers each other’s’ back, but they are not all the same and in a strange way,
they are a family.
Taya
Parker goes to hang with Shane Douglas and we see they are back to being an
item. At a restaurant, we see a moment where Shane is dining with Roddy and
Sarah when Taya comes in and tries to sit next to Shane. Shane decides to be a
dick and kick her out of the chair to his laughter. Unfortunately, Sarah laughs
too and gets water in her face from Taya because of it. Sarah goes off to clean
up as Shane and Taya laugh about it. Roddy is disgusted and chastises the two
for doing that, with Taya intimating that Piper is trying to be in a
relationship with Sarah. Piper then does an ad-lib scene where he spits at
Taya.
They
Immediately Get Attacked And Killed By Zombies.
The
bus finally arrives shortly afterwards and Tez, who is driving, stops the bus
and asks everyone to give him their cell phones since the people running this
want to keep it private. Most give up their cell phones easily, except Piper
because he says he doesn’t have a cell phone. Tez laughs and tells Piper to
give it up and Piper looks at him cold and delivers this line.
Piper: I Don’t Have A
Phone. If I Had One, I Wouldn’t Give It To You. Now Leave Me Alone
That
of course settles everything and they are all allowed to head in…
When
The Sky Immediately Turns To Night. Is This Freaking Castlevania II: Simon’s
Quest Or Something?
Roddy
immediately recognizes and greets “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan.
You
Know If I Was Jim Duggan, I Think I Would Greet People The Same Way
Sarah
notices blood on the floor and tries to warn everyone. Marcus comes in and
tastes it and tells everyone that it is just corn syrup. Marcus then tells
Sarah not to fuck this up for him. When he asks if she understands, she smiles
and takes him with her to the closet to do whatever.
In
The Director’s Commentary, Cody Tells Us That These Two Actors Are Gay In Real
Life And That The Joke Was For Them To Go Into The Closet. Yeah…Unless You
Listened To The Director’s Commentary After Watching The Film (Which Means Sort
Of Watching The Film Again), You Would Not Get The Humor In This And It Would
Just Be An “Oh Well, She’s Making It Up To Him, I Guess.”
Greg
Grove decides to have fun with shadow puppets and flex while Taya and Serena
joke about it being a good thing that he is sexy because he is definitely small
in the brain.
You All Ready To Botch?!!!
Why
They Would Have Such A Room And Why It Would Have A Sign Like That? I Don’t
Know.
In
the side entrance, Kurt Angle finally arrives with a body guard.
Kurt starts to question the validity of this gig when the doors behind him are locked. They try to get out while another body guard on the outside tries to open the door and zombies start attacking. The bodyguard inside gets killed and Kurt starts beating up on some zombies.
Powerbombing
A Zombie
Giving
A Zombie An Ankle Lock And Ripping Off A Foot, Much To Kurt’s Confusion
And
Giving Another Zombie An Angle Slam
Kurt
then has a good line.
Kurt Angle: Pittsburghers know
how to kill the undead.
He
is then hit in the back by Angus and his jaguar cane. Angus tells him he will
make a fine addition to his horde. The guy on the outside gets killed by
zombies. Kurt fights back and still tries to kill more zombies, but a giant
zombie chokeslams him and Kurt gets killed.
That
Giant Zombie Is Of Course Sylvester Terkay Who You May As The Bodyguard Of The
Bong From Evil Bong. The Director Thought It Would Be Funny To Have Terkay Be
The One To Cause Kurt’s Demise Since He Lost To Kurt In The Finals Of The 1992
NCAA Division I Heavyweight Tournament.
Angus
leads his zombie horde into the arena as they attack the wrestlers.
Tim Hoss: Oh my god…zombies
have shown up at this event!
Jessie King: Angus told us he
had some surprises waiting, but I didn’t expect zombies to show up. Tim Hoss: This is so unfair, Jessie…how can our wrestlers have any chance against people that are already dead and can feel no pain.
Jesse King: That’s not my concern, Hoss.
Tim Hoss: Jessie, these are zombies. Normal wrestling rules don’t apply when facing the undead.
Tim Hoss: I have a feeling he doesn’t even know that these are real zombies.
Jessie King: Well, if that is the case…I have a feeling he is going to find that out the hard way.
Jessie King: Yes, it is….and I’m loving it.
Jessie King: Screw you, Tim…this is perfect!
Jessie King: What business does Piper have getting involved with Kurt Angle
Tim Hoss: Shane Douglas is his friend. He has to make sure Shane doesn’t get killed out there and looking at Kurt, I don’t think he cares if he kills Shane.
Jessie King: Well, if you look at Piper’s punches…it doesn’t look like they are doing any good.
Jessie King: Add one more to the zombie horde!
Jessie King: Why?
Tim Hoss: Because Kurt is part of the undead. Undead people need more than one person to take care of them.
Jessie King: Triple teaming a zombie…that is wrong!
Tim Hoss: Well as Kurt Angle leaves the ring, we may need to get out of here!
Jessie King: Why? This might be getting better.
Tim Hoss: Well, think about this. If all the wrestlers die, who do you think the zombies are going to go after next? It won’t be Angus as he leads them.
Jessie King: Holy crap…you may be right. Let’s get the hell out of here!
*Tim Hoss and Jessie King run away.*
Guys…dammit.
Alright, back to the review. Angus comes in and reveals that he has turned
Shane’s family into zombies and Shane is heartbroken by it. Shane, Roddy, and
Jim find away to get out of the ring and past the row of zombies. They join
Taya, Sarah, Serena, Marcus, and Greg as they run away. Façade does a few special
moves and he joins them too. Angus and Zombie Barbara enter the ring as Angus
gloats over his horde.
Oh
Yeah…This Is Awesome. All Of These Zombies And They Are Under My Control!
As
the wrestlers run, Greg grabs a zombie and rips him in half.
Yes,
They Had Sex During The Entire Zombie Attack
Roddy
yells at him and tells him what he missed so he gets serious about the
situation. Shane goes and yells at Marcus because he believes his boss set him
up with this attack. Roddy tries to calm him down, but Shane is furious. Sarah
shows up with the sides of her dress cut so she can move around easier…and also
the director liked the Chun Li look. She tells them if they are ready to use
their rage on someone other than each other and if they are, they might need to
listen to her. Shane wonders who she thinks she is.
So
She Drop Toe Holds Shane And Threatens Him With A Machete To His Neck
Roddy
calms her down and says that they all need to work together, which both agree
on. But Shane mutters that “this isn’t over, bitch.” Roddy wonders what
happened with him and Angus and Shane reveals that he accidentally killed his
brother in the ring. They find the weapons locker and get ready to fight back.
They then talk about what to do next and Sarah reveals that she saw a secret
path that they can use. Unfortunately, Greg volunteers to stay behind to try
and hold the door. He fails and dies.
All
The While Yelling “Reboot” Because You Know, He Thought This Was All A Video
Game
And
of course as they use this escape hole, it turns out that Matt Hardy gets
separated from the others. Matt Hardy gets attacked by zombies.
Had
To Use A Ladder Because He & His Brother Are Known For Ladders
And
He Chokeslams A Zombie Through A Table
He
Also Fist Drops A Zombie’s Brains Out With His Fist Wrapped In A Chain
Matt
reunites with the others, but of course, despite wearing a shirt that says
Stronger Than Death, gets ripped in half by zombies.
Of
Course, He Also Was Put In A Corner Because They Were On A Low Budget To Keep
His Lower Torso Invisible.
Reby
tries to will Matt alive, but Matt turns into a zombie and bites Reby.
Let’s
See If You Are Stronger Than My 2x4!
Reby
wakes up wanting brains, but Sarah kills her with his machete.
So
Long, Hacksaw….Send The 2x4 To Charity
Then
Shane Douglas turns heel on Façade where he kicks him out of a cell he
originally was going to share with him. And his excuse?
Shane Douglas: Jobbers Die…Not
Main Eventers
We
then get more scenes of Façade doing flippy moves to fight the zombies. Shane
Douglas offscreen meets back up with Taya and reveals that it was because of
her making out with Billy that caused him to kill him.
Yep….Shane
Douglas Broke Billy’s Neck On Purpose
Taya
is disgusted and leaves him. Taya meets with the others and reveals Shane’s
revelation. Piper doesn’t believe it at first, but she says why Shane did it
and Roddy is just dumbfounded. Sarah says it doesn’t matter what happened as they
need to continue to find a way out. Shane goes a monitoring room and he smiles
as he sees Façade getting killed.
Yep….Piper
Hits A Zombie Over The Head With A Coconut
Zombie
Thomas Rodman shows up.
He
Bites A Zombie (A Reversal Of Zombie Tropes Where The Zombie Bites The Person)After
Locking Zombie Rodman With The Pencil, He Jokes About This Being The First Time
He Ever Had The Pencil (A Joke About Him Always Signing Stuff With A Pen)
Taya,
Serena, and Marcus separate from Sarah and when they get surrounded by zombies,
Marcus plays douchebag and uses the two women as meat shields so he can survive
by climbing over the zombies eating the other two.
Yep….For
Being An Important Character To The Story, Taya Really Gets An Undignified
Death, With It Being Off-Screen.
Sarah
kills more zombies in her path and after a few minutes, Marcus is cornered and
he tries to drop money for the zombies.
Yeah,
Zombies Don’t Need Cash
He
is cornered and killed.
Bye
Douchebag
Piper
opens a door and sees Zombie Hacksaw.
That
2x4 Still Needs To Be Donated
Piper
runs into Sarah and they hug. Shane Douglas runs into Angus and Angus laughs
about his predicament. Shane tries to say he didn’t mean to kill Billy, but
Angus doesn’t buy it. And then Shane laughs, beats his chest, and says he did
it on purpose.
Moments
Like These Show Why Shane Isn’t A Very Good Actor
Angus
then sends the zombies after him and Shane talks about how the zombies can’t
deal with a franchise, tells them to come and get him, and then runs away.
Basically
Shane Bravely Ran Away
After
that, Sarah and Roddy look on from above as Angus does another sacrificial
ceremony.
Here Angus gets another bound and gagged woman (this one with no name and is Blonde), rips up her blouse so we can see her bra and then kills her with the dagger.
More
Eating Of Pig Hearts
The
woman becomes Zombie Blonde and now Angus has two female zombie lieutenants.
Piper and Sarah confront Angus. Piper yells at Angus for all of this, but Sarah
grabs him and they keep moving as Angus has his zombie horde follow.
And
somehow they are now outside…
No,
Seriously…Everyone Is Outside.
This
is at the point where you just give up on this film having any sense of how
people get anywhere. Shane Douglas is also outside and he is getting chased by
zombies. Roddy and Sarah also are getting chased by zombies.
Oh
Hey, Look…It’s A Town Where There Is Public. Might Want To Go There…
Yeah,
that isn’t happening.
Roddy
and Sarah get to the flagpole and they have to start killing zombies. After
killing a bunch, we get a promo war between Angus and Roddy Piper. Angus says
that attack is only the beginning. Roddy Piper then gives a speech about how he
beat cancer (he did) and this is nothing. Angus says that he is better than
Piper and Roddy responds by saying he doesn’t die for some weekend warrior.
Roddy spits on the ground and tells Angus that he is an Icon and he can ask
Hogan. Angus demands more power and the ghostly body of Tez says that it is
granted.
Nice
Contacts There, Tez
So
we get confederate zombies.
Not
Joking. Also Little Known Fact: Roddy Piper’s Great-Great Grandfather Was The
First Secretary Of State For The Confederate States Of America.
Sarah
starts worrying if they are going to make it and Piper tells her that the
shameful part is not getting knocked down, but getting knocked down and not
getting up again. Piper goes to see if he can find a path and gets immediately
attacked by zombies. It seems Roddy is going to die, but Sarah yells at the
zombies to come after her. Sarah gets a few kills in, but she gets ganged up by
the zombies. She screams for Piper and Roddy comes to save her ass. Heck, a
zombie even bites Piper.
Angus
interrupts, saying that Shane deserves to die. Shane goes to kick Angus’ ass,
but he gets interrupted by the zombiefied family members. Each family member he
has to kill, it just breaks Shane’s heart even more and eventually after
killing his nephew, he doesn’t have the heart to kill his mom so Piper has to
do it. Shane sends Piper away and The Franchise gets surrounded by zombies. He
gets put on the flagpole and Angus wraps a chain around Douglas’ neck.
Bye
Façade
She
then kills Zombie Greg Grove.
Don’t
Know Why This Would Kill Her, But It Does
This
being one of the two people whose heart Angus ate, this hurts Tez.
Or
He Has The Worst Case Of Brain Freeze
Roddy
realizes killing these two is hurting Angus’ powers so he tells Sarah to kill
Zombie Barbara. Zombie Barbara then bites Sarah.
That kills Zombie Barbara and that completely fucks up the power Angus has over the zombies as they fall. Sarah also falls over due to the bite on her neck. Angus is not done yet and still tells Piper that his time is over. Piper says that he is just the All-American Bully and he hates bullies. Piper then says that Angus makes them, but Roddy breaks them. Angus tries to attack Piper, but Roddy quickly kicks his ass.
Piper
Then Kills Him With Angus’ Own Cane
This
also defeats Tez, who disappears into smoke and fire.
Matt
Hardy and Reby Sky ended up getting married and had a son. Matt would also get
back in good graces in TNA and would win the world title at their biggest show
of the year in his hometown, before having to relinquish the title two days
later due to chicanery. Hacksaw Jim Duggan has signed on with Global Force
Wrestling to help promote the talent and shows. Shane Douglas’ federation
Extreme Rising went out of business a few months after this film was filmed and
is said to be looking to try again at creating a new fed. But I guess we have
to talk again about Roddy Piper. A year after this film was released, Piper
died in his home from a heart attack. He is missed by many in the movie
community and even more in the wrestling community. He is also survived by his
wife, his four kids, and his four grandkids.
Well,
this movie is obviously a mess. I’ve heard the director on his commentary try
to defend this film, but even he cannot explain enough the enormous plot holes
this film has. He tried to make this a satirical comedy, but sadly it is not
really that funny with too many damn in-jokes that a common viewer would not
get. Piper is also easily the best actor of the wrestlers and considering that
pro wrestlers are supposed to be actors too…that is definitely saying
something. I’m sorry, but I can only recommend watching this once if you are
curious. Other than that, this will go into the pile of Troma films that I do
not like.
And
now that we are done with that, Happy Halloween and before NegaSeth gets in
here to be a pri…
Don’t even think of finishing that line.
Of
course you would come in here at this time. So I know why you’re here so tell
me what the next movie is going to be.
If it wasn’t for what the fans picked for your
leftovers, I would be upset that you are trying to take the joy of me torturing
you. Enjoy the snoozefest of this.
Shit…
Thanks for the cool review. It was fun to read. I hope you had at least one laugh.
ReplyDeleteI had a few...I loved seeing Jim Duggan waving while having a glove on his 2x4.
Delete