Pollution Creates One Of The Most Boring Monsters
1980
Yeah,
I Said It, Not Even Elvira & Her Two Greatest Assets Could Make Me Want To Watch
This Film. And She Was 30 When That One Aired So It Is Not Weird.
And
even worse, the version I will be watching from Netflix doesn’t even have
Elvira in it. Instead, I will have to watch this movie dry and even then as you
will see, the film looks shitty. But there is one good thing about this film
and that is John Carradine is in this movie.
John
Carradine Is Indeed Watching You Masturbate So Please Stop.
Other
known John Carradine roles include Preacher Casy in The Grapes of Wrath, as
Moses’ brother Aaron in Cecile B. DeMille’s Ten Commandments, and the voice of
the Great Owl in The Secret of NIMH.
Lady,
I Will Have You Know That I Was Dracula.
He
is also the patriarch of the well-known Carradine Family, which four of his
five sons were actors and that other son is currently the Vice President of Imagineering
in Disney. Now only three of those four acting sons are at least known and the
most well-known acting son David has sadly passed away from accidentally
killing himself through autoerotic asphyxiation. But no matter what, the acting
gene was definitely in that family’s blood.
This
film also has Robert Mitchum’s son James in it as well as Phillip Carey (who
was Captain Parmalee in the Western TV series Laredo) and Anthony Eisley (who
was one of the detective leads Tracey Steele in Hawaiian Eye). But outside of
Aldo Sambrell, who was playing gang members in Spaghetti westerns, there is no
one in this film who is known. In fact, there are many unknowns who this film
didn’t bother to even credit. So when you wonder what happened to most of these
people, I am going to have to shrug my shoulders and say “I don’t know because
this film didn’t bother to tell me who they are”.
So
get whatever it is that keeps you awake and let’s review this film.
Apparently,
This Story Is Based On FACT……Which Is Probably A Bunch Of Bullshit
We
begin our film with a guy relaxing in his hammock while his wife dances for
him.
Get
Used To This, This Is The Film Quality That We Are Dealing With
However,
this scene gets interrupted by the monster as he grabs the guy while his wife
screams.
You
Gotta Love How They Didn’t Even Bother Making The Title Card Fit In With The
Rest Of The Credits So It Felt Like They Just Put It In There.
Now
You Are Just Trying To Hard To Make Us Believe This Happened.
We
then go to a corporate building in USA where a meeting is taking place.
Basically the boss explains that their cement plan in a village in Columbia is
having issues. He basically says if the plant stops working, the village can’t
live and more importantly, they lose money. This plant has several problems
like a woman (the woman we met earlier) named Maria, who claimed a giant animal
took her husband today, but there is a group of people who think she is a
witch.
That
Is The Boss, Also Known As Barnes
The
other trouble is a radical named Victor Sanchez, who is Anti-American and
Anti-Big Business. He has been spreading stories about the witch and the
monster in an attempt to get the natives to force the workers at the cement
plant out of the country. Apparently, he has scared a lot of people out of the
town and has caused production at the plant to slow down. Barnes wants to know
what is happening and he wants it stopped. And he reveals that he is sending
the guy who he is talking to, to Columbia to deal with this. He also reveals that
there is a reporter who is being very nosy and she has been broadcasting this
problem on a network that they advertise with to a tune of 4 million dollars
every year.
We
then go to the reporter named Patty Clark who is reporting on this small town where
the plant is and is calling the plant a problem since it is polluting the lake.
The pollution is taking away the fishermen in the town’s livelihood because the
fish are dying from pollution.
Okay…..So
I Think We Should Call This Guy To Solve Our Problems.
We
then move to a family playing Frisbee with their dog as the boy is taking
pictures.
My
God……The Slime From “The Raft” Story In Creepshow 2 Is Forming. Run For Your
Lives And What Ever You Do….
Don’t
Let It Touch You!!!
The
boy (named Glen) tries to tell the girl (named Andrea) to look at it, but what
he saw goes back under the water so she doesn’t see it. Horns signal that the
bull run is going to begin (don’t know what that is and it will never get
mentioned again) and Andrea tries to get the dog to get the Frisbee from the
water one more time, but the dog senses something wrong and he is not risking
his life to fetch that Frisbee.
In
the town we meet Victor Sanchez…
Looking
Like He Is Ready To Be In Some Magazine
And
we meet the town’s local priest.
Who
Even Though He Is Credited As Just “Priest”, We Will Call Him Father Carradine. Also Looks Like He May Be Screwing Some Alter Boys With That Look
During
the sermon, Victor talks to an ally of his on how to get rid of the evil
plaguing this town. Victor says that his ally must do what he feels is right
for the village while Victor does what he has set out to do. He says that they
must unite to drive out the evil foreigners and the creatures that they have
created.
We
go to a graveyard where Maria is mourning at her late husband’s grave.
We
then see the whole opening again as she remembers what happened. As she is
about to leave, she gets chased out by the ally of Sanchez (named Carlos)
After
that, the helicopter lands and Travis is at the village (going to have to call
it the village because I can’t spell the name of the town). Patty tries to get
an interview with him, but he stiffs her by saying until he figures out what is
going on in this town, there will be no interviews.
That
night Laura goes for a midnight swim when Pete comes by and of course sleeps
with her before telling her that it is definitely over between them.
Yep………..This
Pete Sure Is A Real Gentlemen.
Can
You Blame Him?
Porno
Pete, what the hell are you doing here? This has nothing to do with a porno. I
didn’t even make any pornographic references of any kind.
Hey,
you were going after this Pete fellow for having sex while in another
relationship and I’m telling you to look at her. Look at her and tell me you
wouldn’t have a fling with her.
Pete,
this is not the time to talk about this nonsense so get the hell out of here.
Whatever
you say…
Thank
you. Now moving back into this film, there is a festival in the town so of
course, that would give perfect reason to why when Laura gets attacked by the
monster, no one hears her scream.
Travis
then takes samples from a nearby drainage pipe and gets into a conversation
with Victor. Travis tells Victor that he doesn’t want to catch him disrupting
production from the plant or using the people of this town. And if he finds out
that Victor was behind Laura’s death, he’s gonna kick his ass. Victor says that
he understands what he is saying, but he tells Travis that he does not like
what the rich American people have done to his land. He also says that he has
worked hard to get Americans off his country and he will continue to do so.
Patty
has an interview with Father Carradine who believes that black magic has
existed for centuries and it is his small flock of innocent believers who he
must protect. Patty then talks with the wife of the plant supervisor named Ann
and her daughter Andrea. Ann mentions that another man named Jose may have been
murdered in a similar way and mentions that the wife never recovered from the
shock. She also mentions that the villagers think that she may be a witch, but
she thinks that is ridiculous. Ann even says that the monster stuff is absurd,
but the interview is cut off by Travis who says the interview is over and he
wants the tape. The mayor warns Patty to stop exploiting this town.
Travis
calls Barnes, but before that there is definitely some flirting going on
between Barnes’ secretary and Travis. Barnes finds out about what happened with
Patty and he tells Travis to get on Patty’s good side and then kick her ass out
of the town. He then says that he will contact her boss and lie about her
contacting malaria or something so she could be forced out. Travis then wants a
sonar for the lake and Barnes says this line.
Barnes: Hey, Hey……You’re
Not Starting To Believe That Monster Crap Too, Are Ya?
Hey,
I have a hard enough time talking about this film as it is. You better not
start bring my site into this BS too, although this film was done 4 years
before I was even born, 26 years before I started Monster Crap, and 29 years
before I created this site so I guess I should lay off the film for this.
Barnes
eventually agrees to get him a sonar device to see if there is anything in the
water. He then gets a phone call with the head of the network and he tells the
head to get Patty’s ass out of there. The head of the network says he can’t and
Barnes tells the head that they pay their network 4 million dollars in
advertising and says if she is not gone, the advertising deal is off. The head
of the network says Barnes can’t do that, which Barnes laughs off and says “Read
your fucking contract, asshole” before hanging up.
Back
in town, Travis talks to the mayor about what is going on when Patty comes in
and tries to persuade Travis that while she understand the volatile situation,
it is news and as a reporter, it is her job to get that story. Patty offers a
deal where if she gets an exclusive on the story going on here, then they will
have the tape that they wanted several minutes ago. She also says that when the
mayor feels that he is comfortable releasing the story, she will do just that.
Travis doesn’t like this idea so he declines. He says that while he doesn’t
know what happened to Laura, but he is not going to let her use the
superstition and the pollution problem (a problem his company is trying to fix)
to help her career or indirectly help Sanchez with what he wants because the
cement plant keeps this town alive. The mayor wants everyone to work together
to solve this issue and if he doesn’t think that will work, he will call on the
government for help, something that both Bill Travis and Patty Clark do not
want.
We
go to the next scene where the sonar is there and both Glen and Andrea are
nearby. Glen says this is proof that Travis did believe him, but Andrea still
says this proves nothing. Glen then reveals that at night, they are going to
use a new lens to get a picture of whatever is in the lake. Andrea is not down
with this idea and says that she is not going with him. Go to the next scene is
night and it turns out that Andrea did go with Glen to see if there is a
creature. She even admits that she doesn’t know how she let her brother con her
into going with him, which Glen responds it is because she loves him.
At
the town, there is a fiesta going on to celebrate the town’s birth. Both Travis
and Clark attend. The mayor gives a speech about how tonight is a night to
forget all the troubles and enjoy the festivities. In fact, Patty Clark and
Bill Travis decide to dance together and Victor Sanchez looks on with disgust.
Pete goes to watch the sonar and the mayor’s daughter Juanita goes with him.
Did I forget that before Laura died, Pete mentioned that he had feelings for
Juanita? I didn’t? Well, I am now because I at least know who Juanita is now. I
also mention this because Pete decides to shirk his responsibilities so he can
get laid. Yep……..this is so what Porno Pete would do, so much so that I wonder
if that is him.
Hey,
I wish it was me, but you know damn well it is Tracey Steele from Hawaiian Eye
playing the role of Pete in this film.
You’re
right…I’m just trying to have some fun with this film.
Back
at the lake, Glen and Andrea spot two drunken fisherman out on a boat in the
lake. The monster decides to scare the kids off, although I can’t be sure if it
is the monster because we never get to see that it is the monster scaring them
off. We just see them run away and scream, as well as some growls. Anyway, the
two drunk idiots stand on the boat and we see from the unmonitored sonar that
something is coming towards them.
I
Swear These Are The Best Pictures I Could Get.
The
next day, guess which two decided to sleep in the same bed, suggesting
something going on.
Or
Maybe He Is Just Sleeping With Her To Get The Damn Tape He Wants, How Should I
Know?
The
two kids develop the pictures they took and one of them might be an eye or a
tooth. You know your film quality sucks when you can’t tell the difference
between an eye and a tooth. A town meeting is called because the two drunken
fisherman who they know have disappeared. There the kids show their
photographic evidence that something is in the lake.
Yep………..Something
Is Definitely In That Lake In My Mind, Although If The Idiot Council Members In
Jaws 2 Were Viewing This, They Wouldn’t Have Seen Anything.
Bill
Travis tells the mayor that if he wants, he can bring the government in on
this, which the mayor refuses because he doesn’t want to bring politicians into
their town. Patty then says that she can’t keep this story under wraps as a
giant monster is apparently a reporters dream.
Then
I Guess Steve Martin From Godzilla, King Of The Monsters Was Living The Dream
Then
Well,
she does add with a small town, superstitions, and killer monsters is the
perfect international news for a reporter. Yeah, I’m still going with Steve
Martin from Godzilla, King of the Monsters. Patty, you’re still a naïve idiot.
Anyway,
Patty still wants the exclusive, but she does agree to keep the government out
of this. The group decides to rig up some depth charges and blow up the
creature. Pete says he will go rig up the explosives since he does have some
experience with them.
While
they are figuring out this plan, Carlos and his crew go to find Maria and of
course they have torches so they plan to burn the witch.
We
Really Need Sir Bedivere From Monty Python & The Holy Grail To Settle This
Whole Issue.
I
Mean, If Maria Is Truly A Witch Here, She Would Weigh The Same As A Duck.
Back
to the film, Father Carradine tries to talk down the mob by saying that “he
will exorcise the demon from this woman”. Yeah, he is basically trying to save
her life, but of course Maria screws up his efforts by saying his exorcism
doesn’t work because she is not a witch.
He
Tried, But He Can’t Help It If She Refuses To Go Along With His Plan
So
because they think that Father Carradine’s powers do not work, they burn the
witch.
Burn
For Your Stupidity, Maria!!!
However,
we see that people come in to stop the burning.
Elsewhere
we see Victor Sanchez plant bombs so he can blow up certain parts of the plant.
But Sanchez gets himself stuck after lighting the fuse.
The
Price Is Right Fail Music Would Be Perfect For This Situation
Sanchez
doesn’t even bother stopping the fuse so of course, he blows up.
And
Boom Goes The Dynamite
Everyone
of course survives the bomb, but Sanchez, who they couldn’t find enough pieces
to bury. However, it will take a week of repairs before the plant will be
operational again. Of course, that doesn’t hamper any part of their plan to
destroy the monster so overall, Sanchez’s stunt was rather harmless to everyone
except Sanchez. In fact, the Maria burning does more damage to their plans
because they had to use the helicopter to send her to a burn center where she
might have a chance to live. Really is rather pathetic to the bomber when a
witch burning does more harm to plans than his idea to blow up the building.
But
luckily, they do get another helicopter thanks to theft. Pete and Bill Travis
then set up the bomb to be in the bait that they have for the monster. The plan
is then set into motion with Pete and a female pilot on the helicopter with the
bait and head to the lake. When they get to the lake, there are people on the
beach with cameras waiting to see how this works, or finally see what this
monster actually looks like.
And
Not A Bad Looking Monster, Too Bad It Took Till Now To See It.
Bill
Travis is about to set off the bomb, but at an unfortunate time, Travis has
butterfingers and loses the detonator. He then decides to go for a swim to get
back the detonator. The monster sees that Bill is in the water and decides,
Hmmm……….More
Food
One
of the town patrol sends out a boat for Travis for him to get on. We also get
the best shot of this monster we will ever get.
It
Laid An Egg
Scratch
That, It Laid A Bunch Of Eggs And It Sounds Like The Eggs Are Hatching
We
then go to the credits to see the film’s real title which was not edited out
for that crappy title at the beginning.
But
Then Again, I Bet The Filmmakers & Distributers Didn’t Expect Us To Make It
This Far
And
thus our movie ends.
I
really have very little information on what happened to this movie other than
it was on Elvira’s Movie Macabre and when I started doing Monster Crap, someone
recommended this film as an induction. In fact, I would love to have more
information on this movie and if someone who was in this movie is still alive
to give said info, I would more than happily edit this induction with that
information because it fascinates me that this film is barely even known to
exist.
Now
onto the actors, what very few we know about. Phillip Carey (who played Barnes)
for the most part retired from acting after this film, but he did do
appearances on One Life To Live as Asa Buchanon, and we starting to be more
featured on the show before his death in 2009. Aldo Sambrell (who from looking
at older movies of his, makes me guess he was Victor Sanchez) had film projects
that kept getting less known or just Spanish, but he did appear as Adolfo
(although under the acting name of Alfredo Brel Sanchez) in Jackie Chan’s
Operation Condor. In 2010, he Sambrell died of a stroke.
But
probably most known to us all is John Carradine. He would still do low budget
movies until he retired as he was suffering from crippling arthritis. In 1988,
he died from multiple organ failure in Milan, Italy. Two of his sons David and
Keith were by his side when he died. Although both said he never spoke to them,
they were told that his last words were “Milan: What a beautiful place to die”
There was a Requiem Mass for him at St. Thomas the Apostle Hollywood, a church
that John himself founded with Jane Fonda being among those in attendance. An
Irish wake followed before he was buried at sea.
Now
onto my opinion of the movie. Despite my fascination with what went on during
the making of this movie, what happened to this movie afterwards to make it so
unknown, and what happened to most of the people who were in this movie, I have
to say that this movie was extremely boring. Oh don’t get me wrong, the monster
effects (what little you could see) and the practical effects done to the body
were pretty good. But the plot is extremely slow and the lighting was
atrocious. Back in the 70s & 80s, while we may make extreme fun of day for
night shots that were done in low budget movies, there was a purpose to them
because with them, we could see what was going on. In this movie, there are
plenty of times where you would have been eyesight than I do to see what the
hell is going on (and I don’t have horrible eyesight). Also look at the cover,
then the monster, and then think about if they are the same monster. If you
have more interest with the movie than I do, I completely understand because
the fact that this film is this unknown, is really sad in my eyes. In fact,
despite me saying this movie is boring, I wouldn’t mind seeing a sequel or see
someone interview a person from this movie to see what went into making this
film.
Okay,
NegaSeth…I sat through this extremely boring film. I know you said the last one
is the worst so just lay in on me.
I’m
Glad You Want To Know What I Have Cooked Up For You. You See, Earlier This
Year, You Did Your Seltzer/Friedberg Film Which Broke A Record Of 3 Done By Uwe
Boll. I Think We Should Rectify That And Give Mr. Boll His Fourth Film On Your
Site. And While The Three You Have Done Have Been Reviewed To Death By Critics
For The Fact That They Were Adaptations Of Video Games That Were Liked, I
Decided I Will Let You Do An Original Film From Uwe Boll And One That I Have
Not Seen Many Critics Roast, But Perhaps It Is The Most Despicable Of All Of
His Films. Seth, For My Final Film In This Summer Of Revenge Torture I Give
You……
NO,
NO, NO, OH DEAR GOD NO!!!!! YOU (Completely Unitelligible Cursing)
Like helicopter footage? Enjoy being mildly confused? Incapable of ever being bored? Jim Mitchum completist? Well, you'll love this one!
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