Universal Studios Is Telling Fans Of The Actual Land of the Lost To “Get Lost”
2009
In
the 1970s, one of TV’s most creative creators Sid & Marty Croft gave us
actually one of their most coherent and not crazy ideas in Land of the Lost.
Land of the Lost was a simple story where a family get trapped in an alternate
universe where dinosaurs still exist and are trying to find their way back
home, with the help of a cave-man named Cha-Ka. Now while they are also trying
to survive dinosaurs….
That
Look Completely Fake
The
Marshall family (Father Rick; teenagers Holly & Will) also has to deal with
a race of lizard men called the Sleestak…
Even
In Their Most Cohesive Work, Sid & Marty Kroft Still Have To Put Insane
Stuff In It
This
TV series was popular enough that in the 90s, the TV show was remade with
better effects.
Although
The T-Rex Has His Name Changed From Grumpy To Scarface & The Sleestak Look
Extremely Different
There
were also other differences like Cha-Ka being named Stink, a jungle girl named
Christa (who was originally supposed to be a surviving Holly Marshall from the
original series), a baby dinosaur named Tasha and a sorceress named Keela. The
original series is on DVD while the 90s one is not and it probably won’t be. So
because of the popularity of the series, a movie adaptation was made and a lot
of people were looking forward to it…………until Will Ferrell was announced as the
lead.
Will
Ferrell was on Saturday Night Live from 1995 to 2002 and was a very popular
actor at the time. He was even able to move his craft to movies with hits like Old
School, Elf, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, and Talladega Nights: The
Ballad of Ricky Bobby. However, Will Ferrell was basically the same type of
character and sooner or later, his films were getting less popular with his
last film before this, Step Brothers falling way short of expectations. And
having more critical flops than darlings, he needed something to get himself
back on the right foot.
So
how did this film do? Well, since we are inducting it, the answer is not well.
And since I have been holding back on doing this induction and because some of
my fans are actually pitying me for doing this film (thanks NegaSeth, you gave
me sympathy), we might as well get this over with as fast as possible.
Oh
and if you are a fan of the 90s series (like I was), then tough luck as this is
more about the 70s series, which is understandable as that was the original and
more well known.
We
begin this film with an astronaut in the jungle getting eaten by a T-Rex.
Absolutely
Nothing………….
Which
is very problematic because in the real world, an astronaut disappearing on
landing is kind of a big deal. So yeah, this character just padded it’s body
count with a character who means nothing to the overall story and his disappearance
would be a bigger thing than it is made in this film. But don’t worry, that is
there whole body count with characters who mean absolutely nothing to the
overall story.
And
then we are followed up quickly with the title sequence.
Well,
It Might If They Were Talking About The Missing Astronaut, But As I Said
Before, That Isn’t Happening.
But
instead it is an interview by Matt Lauer to Dr. Rick Marshall, who is talking
about the possibilities of time warps with his new book My Other Car Is A Time
Machine and Matt Lauer decides to act all Jim Rome on his guest and be
confrontational to him. In fact, Lauer straight out calls Marshall’s theories
flawed and says that his fellow colleagues in the scientific community find his
ideas flawed. When Rick tells Matt to give him an example, Matt quotes Stephen
Hawking who called Rick Marshall’s ideas “nonsense”. Of course this pisses off
Rick Marshall who calls the interview off because he told Matt that he didn’t
want to talk about Hawking. Um Rick, if that is true, Matt Lauer wouldn’t have
needed to bring up Stephen Hawking if you did not give him a bulls-eye by
asking for an example of his critics. Of course Matt Lauer continues to say to
his viewing audience to look for his book under the “I’m Out Of My Freaking Mind”
department. Of course Rick runs at Matt on camera and starts attacking him with
security trying to get Rick Marshall off of the host.
Matt
Lauer Responds By Spraying Rick With A Fire Extinguisher
Three years later, Rick Marshall is seen talking about tachyons and how he plans to use them for his theory of time warps. He says that he has created a device that will not allow us to travel forward or backwards, but sideways into a parallel dimension. This is all played with “Dawn section of section of the tome poem “Also sprach Zarathustra” by Richard Strauss. Sadly instead of a lecture room as I am sure he was hoping he would be, he is doing all of this to middle school kids in an area of the La Brea Tar Pits.
Yes,
He Is Stuck With A Low Level Job For His Theories, Which Should Not Be
Surprising
He
gets asked stupid questions by kids and of course because they are dumb with
some talking about him crying in the bathroom before the show, he tells them
all to leave. After the class leaves, a woman asks Rick if he ever tried to
make the Tachyon Amplifier. He asks who she is and she says that she is Holly
and she has studied all his work at Cambridge.
Because
of this, Dr. Marshall is found by Holly in his office in a food coma.
Anyway,
it seems he stayed up all night finishing the Tachyon Amplifier.
Of
Course It Is At A Tourist Trap
But
it is not abandoned as the owner is Will Stanton.
It’s
Danny McBride From The HBO Series Eastbound & Down (Which Will Ferrell
Frequently Collaborates On)
Will
says that they need to buy 30 dollars of stuff and he will give them a deluxe
tour of the Devil’s Canyon tourist trap. Those 30 bucks he says goes to a good
cause which is his dream of building….
The
Devil’s Canyon Resort & Casino
Will
tries to hit on Holly and Holly threatens to drown him if he does any more
hitting on again. It is obviously a piece of crap tour filled with fake stuff
to give the cave some entertainment like a really fake lizardman.
Who
Looks An Awful Lot Like A Sleestak. Could This Be Foreshadowing?
Rick
starts his amplifier (with show tunes that Will hates) and suddenly an
earthquake begins. The Tachyon Amplifier gets lost in the water during this so
they cannot stop the earthquake. Suddenly, a hole forms and the three are
sucked down inside it. Of course Rick has to act like how Will Ferrell always
acts and screams out obviously thing like “We are going fast”.
And
Close-Ups Of The Three Screaming
And
then they fall into a time warp.
Let’s
Do The Time Warp Again…….
They
wake up in a desert and see a few relics thought lost in time.
Then
then meet two hairy people trying to execute another, but Rick and friends
stops them. Will shows his lighter and says he has the power of fire. Of course
Will burns himself and the two hairy men steal the lighter and leave, leaving
behind the third. The third hairy person is of course Cha-Ka.
Of
Course They Fall Into A Giant Sinkhole
That
sinkhole sends them into caverns. They still have that whole issue and after
Holly confirms to Cha-Ka that Rick is a “Habu”, he starts humping Rick’s leg.
You
Would Normally Be Expecting Creatures To Come Out And Reveal They Did This
Trap, But Nope…Apparently The Vines Did This On Their Own
They
start hearing noises and well, okay you remember that astronaut scene from
earlier, we get one mention of it.
While
This CGI Mess Was Better Than The 70s T-Rex, The 90s T-Rex Looks So Much Better
The T-Rex, named Grumpy, tries to eat them, but it bites the vines which cut the group loose. The chase begins through the woods
Which
During This They Take A Picture For Scale Sizing
They
use a bridge back in the cliff area to get over a gap and they think this gap
will stop Grumpy because he has terrible depth perception and initially it
does. But as Grumpy starts to leave, Rick loudly proclaims to the group that
this T-Rex has the brain the size of a walnut. Oh and he even insults the Polish
by saying “I mean forget about the Polish, ha, the T-Rex's were the
real dummies of the world!" Yeah, I’m sure the Polish community will
appreciate that line.
Can We Find Ivan Putski So He Can Polish Hammer This
Asshole?
Grumpy
stops when it hears that and decides that it wants to kill Rick as he jumps
over the gap to continue the chase.
You
Are So Fucking Dead, Rick Marshall!!!!
They
finally are able to lose the mad dinosaur inside of a small cave which Grump
cannot fit inside.
But
He Does Hock A Loogie At Them
I
guess you will all guess that Grumpy here is probably going to be the most
likable character in this movie and you would all be correct. The fact that
this film does not get is that in a lot of these true comedy movies, the best
characters are the ones who despite all this wacky stuff that is going around
them, they play it straight. The CGI T-Rex does not mug for the camera, he
plays it like how a T-Rex would for the most part.
Anyway,
Grumpy leaves after staring a hole into Rick Marshall. Of course, Will does
something smart and decides to insult Grumpy from very far away by calling him
a pussy when the T-Rex is nowhere to be even seen. They set up base camp inside
a cave despite Will’s objections that bad stuff always happens in a cave. Holly
says they must be the first people to ever set foot in this world (not true:
that astronaut whose suit you saw was here before you. Add all those people who
were in that plane and Viking boat and yeah, you are way behind on being the
first people here). They hear a record being played and look to see…
Yeah,
You Are So Behind On Being The First Person At This Place
Oh
and Cha-Ka is dancing to the music. Rick then mentions how screwed they are.
A
Giant One At That
And
you know who left that walnut.
Okay,
I Think I Have An Image That I Can Use If I Ever Want To Tell Someone I Am
Watching Them
Rick
talks in his camera and says that with rations low, he has decided that if need
be, they will cook and eat Cha-Ka. And he goes into so much specifics about
eating Cha-Ka that even Hannibal Lecter would be like “You sir, are insane.”
Anyway, Cha-Ka comes back with fruit that he says is okay to eat, of course
what Cha-Ka really meant was eat the bugs that are in the fruit.
Cha-Ka
tries to get the group away from here, but the two male douchebags mistake his
obviously saying of “Sarisataka” for “Chorizo Tacos”. They don’t know what that
means, but we all do.
Maybe
Since These People Are True Neanderthals, Cha-Ka Should Have Just Pointed To The
Sign
Then
the Sleestak show up.
And
Yes, We Were Given Dino Dong Jokes Before This.
Oh
and he even drinks some of this “dino urine”.
I’ve
Got Nothing…..
But
the other two decide to not be idiots and follow Cha-Ka instead. So while they
are walking in the desert, he calls this whole thing the Bataan Death March.
I’m
Sure Every Survivor Of The Bataan Death March That Is Still Alive Would Like To
Collectively Say That “You Can Go Fuck Yourself”
We
then see all this stuff that somehow got transported here.
Yeah,
If This Stuff Really Got Transported To Another Dimension, People Would Very
Much Notice
Anyway,
an ice cream truck lands at that spot and the operator of this ice cream truck
gets his arm ripped off by raptors.
Then
The Dinosaurs Notice Them And Say Screw That To This Small Meal And Go After
The Bigger Meal, Which Is This Group.
The
group splits up and Rick tries running a serpentine pattern because in his
words, it will confuse the T-Rex. Of course, Grumpy looks at him like an idiot
and rips his backpack off of him. Will then loudly asks Rick if he is ever is
tired of being wrong, which Rick says yes. To get away from the Allosaurus,
Rick uses the mannequin routine.
But Grumpy doesn’t fall for this routine and continues to chase Rick. Rick finally has a smart idea as he sees a tank of Nitrogen.
And then the Allosaurus explodes.
With the Allosaurus explosion, they find the Tachyon Amplifier.
And then a Pterodon grabs it.
After all of that, Rick Marshall just decides to sit in a car and give up.
Holly chastises him for giving up and gives him a speech about how she first heard about him through the YouTube video that her colleagues were laughing at, but she was not and was rather interested. She says she committed herself to her theories and for that, she got tossed out of Cambridge. Everyone had told her that for his theories, she threw her future away and she didn’t believe it until right now. Then she walks off to look for the Tachyon Amplifier. Will and Cha-Ka soon follow.
That
night while Holly is writing notes in his book, Will confides in Cha-Ka that
despite his attitude, he has been going about a six year dry spell (meaning six
years of no sex). He talks (while Holly translates) that the women in his tribe
are beautiful and carefree. They of course live with the foodists, and he
misses them. They wait on all the men and serve all their needs. He says that
as a prince of his tribe, he is served with a harem of 7,000 women.
Rick Marshall decides to rejoin the group and plays a song (which is actually the theme song of the 1974 show). Then we get the scene you probably have all scene in the trailer. First a big mosquito bites him and Rick doesn’t notices.
In fact, the bug gets so big that Rick starts to turn white and go weak and the mosquito leaves as Rick is still tired. Rick then faints to reveal that on his back, he has a giant bug on his back sucking out blood.
Rick tries to stay away and because of this, he eventually lays on his back which squashes the giant bug.
The
next morning, Rick wakes up with his shirt off so we can see the giant bug bite
on his back.
Seriously,
That Is The Only Reason His Shirt Is Off
Rick
then gives a speech about how they need to complete their mission because
apparently the whole world is counting on them. Rick says they need to climb up
the hill and they better to be ready. Of course then we cut to the next scene
where everyone other than Rick is way ahead of him in climbing the mountain.
They go to the top of the mountain and see that the Tachyon Amplifier’s show
tunes is being use as music for the eggs. Rick dances his way through the eggs,
which yes is as annoying as it stupid as it sounds.
Rick grabs the device which turns the music off and after that, the eggs start hatching because the music was actually being used as sleep music for the eggs. Rick then has to sing the theme so the babies go back to sleep and the group is able to escape with the Tachyon Amplifier. Oh and even Cha-Ka sings the whole song in full English and doesn’t do too bad. And yes, that is the only reason why Jorma Taconne, one of the guys from the Lonely Island and SNL, was given this part. Tell me I’m wrong.
They
all celebrate by jumping into a pool that still has water, despite the fact
that the pool since it probably has been there for a while, should be rather
old at this point.
Cha-Ka
grabs a fruit and offers it to Rick and Will, which the two accept and drink
the juices out of. Of course it is revealed the fruit has narcotic properties
and Cha-Ka joins in so the three get high and eventually pass out. Holly leaves
the group and sees the crystal is nearby so she enters it alone. Rick, Will,
and Cha-Ka have to deal with a giant crab.
Well, they would, but the crab ends up falling into a sinkhole which has a hot spring underneath. That roasts the crab and gives them the food they need because as you know from certain narcotics, you get hungry.
Oh and for some reason that is never explained, Will has a lemon slice that he soaks on the crab as they eat.
In the crystal that leads to a cave, she finds out the truth that The Zarn was not the bad guy and was actually the good guy, trying to protect the world from Enik, who is actually evil.
And
The Zarn Has Been Dead This Whole Time
Holly
tries to go warn the others, but gets grabbed by a Sleestak.
The
next morning, Rick, Will, and Cha-Ka all wake up to realize that Holly has been
missing and deduce with her backpack on the ground that the Sleestak have taken
her. And when they enter the cave, they see two Sleestaks………..having sex.
Oh
And They Shed Skin As An Orgasm. Okay Filmmakers, You Can Count This Up There
With Shit I Did Not Need To Know.
They
get to the temple and see Holly in a cage and about to be dumped into lava. I’m
sure you are all wondering how do they enter without being detected.
They
Use The Skins Of The Two Sleestak That Just Had Sex, As Costumes. There Are So
Many Things Wrong With That Idea.
They
then get out of their costume and find out that Enik destroyed an entire
civilization and as punishment, he was locked up and made to wear a tunic to
show his deceit. Will tells Rick that he told him that a guy with a tunic
should not be trusted. Through some heroics, Rick and Will save Holly before
she is dumped into the lava. Afterward, Holly gives Will a kiss to show that
they are now a couple. This might be actually awkward because in the TV show
you will remember, Will and Holly are brother and sister, and Rick is their
father.
Holly
thinks they might have the element of surprise, but Rick and Will say that they
sent Cha-Ka to get Enik so that won’t happen. And then an evil laugh occurs and
Enik has Cha-Ka prisoner and has the rest of the Sleestaks hypnotized by
crystals backing him up. He says thanks to the Tachyon Amplifier, he can lead
his army to conquer anywhere he chooses through any time and space. Then he
says that he will begin with Earth. He says that when he is standing in the the
cinders of their civilization, he will be sure to give Rick Marshall full
scientific credit.
The
Grumpy the T-Rex then shows up to attack Rick, but Rick says he will not run
this time and he tells the other two to go. As a man child, Rick tells her that
he doesn’t love her, she is ugly, and throws a rock at her so she will leave.
Will follows, but before he does, he tells Will that in his bag he has some
fireworks he can use as ammo just in case. Rick (channeling all of us) asks,
“You had fireworks this whole time? There is literally a dozen situations where
we could have used those.” He also says that he will follow him into any
battle, but when Rick says how about now, he says he is going to have to say no
on this one.
Rick
Marshall then finds conveniently placed staff and tries to use that as a
weapon, but Grumpy uses his tail to whack that out of his hands. Rick tries to
use a roman candle onto the T-Rex with his lighter, but that is a dud so he
throws his lighter down in frustration and the T-Rex stomps the lighter (call
back to that fossil scene to way earlier in the film for some stupid reason).
Rick then decides to pole vault at it and…..
Grumpy,
feeling he has paid him back for that insult, leaves and Holly, Cha-Ka, and
Will are left to deal with Enik and his mind controlled Sleestak. Holly starts
using her belt as a weapon and while it is effective, there are just too many.
Will tries to use Cha-Ka as a battering ram, but while effective, does not work
either. But suddenly Rick comes back, riding Grumpy and attack the Sleestak and
they are really effective.
What
The…..How????
Oh
and for a bigger insult, Will slides down Grumpy’s tail like Fred Flintstone
did.
Fred
Flintstone Is Not Amused
He
then reveals to the rest that he went through the digestive system rather
quickly and before being pooped out, he must have dislodged some sort of
intestinal blockage. So yeah, our T-Rex here was only mad and wanting to kill
Rick Marshall here because he had some sort of intestinal blockage. Bullshit!!!
They
then enter the crystal to stop Enik. Rick fights with Enik when Will tries to
interfere (he fails), one of the crystals breaks and Rick has to use Holly’s
crystal necklace as a short-term replacement. Enik grabs Will and tries to use
him as a hostage, but Will decides that he rather likes it here so he is
staying, which negates the whole hostage thing. Enik pleads with Rick and Holly
to let him go with them, but they refuse and leave through the portal.
Rick
and Holly explain to Will’s assistant Ernie what happened and because Ernie is
too lazy, he just says cool. Meanwhile, Cha-Ka leads Will to his village where
they meet the females of his tribe.
Yeah,
They Are Not Much Different.
But
they do take a liking to Will so yes, his sacrifice was quite worth it to him.
Back
on Earth, Rick Marshall shows back up on Matt Lauer and gloats about his
accomplishments, which he has proof of by the way and sells his new book, which
Matt Lauer has to say.
And Matt Lauer decides to attack Rick Marshall.
Doing
Something That I Am Sure Every Person Wants To Do To Will Ferrell After Seeing
This Film
We
then get credits and whoever did the art for the credits I have to say “Bravo”
to because it is very well done. But after that, there is one final scene and
that is of the egg that Rick gave to Matt Lauer as a present, which is actually
not a dinosaur egg.
It’s
A Sleestak Egg, Attempting To Set Up A Sequel Which Will Never Happen.
And
the film ends.
Now
first, let’s explain why there will never be a sequel to this film and that answer
is pretty simple. This film tanked at the box office, only making two-thirds
the money that Universal expected it to make. And it really got a beatdown by
Up (which was #2 after its second week) and the film that also came out at the
same time, which finished #1, a film that wasn’t expected to do much in The
Hangover. Yes, The Hangover made more money than the filmmakers were expecting
and Land of the Lost made less money than they expected to make. Add to the
critical reception being worse (nominated for several Razzies (which they won
only one in Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off, or Sequel) and a 26 on Rotten
Tomatoes). Even now, the president of Universal Studios admits “Land of the
Lost was just crap. I mean, there is no excuse for it. The best intentions all
went wrong.”
Many
of the actors have thankfully had their previous works to fall back on (like
Danny McBride (who played Will) with Eastbound & Down and Jorma Taccone
(who played Cha-Ka) with The Lonely Island). Leonard Nimoy (who did the voice of
The Zarn) still has his fame to go back to and was still in Star Trek: Into
Darkness as Spock Prime. Also Will Ferrell has still been in and out of the box
office as The Other Guys did well (it was the film that unseated Inception for
#1), but The Campaign didn’t do as well as Will Ferrell films have done.
This
film, well yeah…………it sucks. It is an insult to comedy and when the best
character in the film is a CGI dinosaur, which the CGI was horrible in, you
know you are in for a stinker. Will Ferrell basically plays the same character
over and over again and at one point, it was funny, but now………that act has just
gotten old. This film actually gets downright offensive at times. The film at
times feels like they want to go into complete gross out humor, but they can’t
because of the fact that it is PG-13 and considering this was based on a show
that was aimed at kids, that is not a good thing. Just a failure at every
aspect.
Well
now that I am done with that train wreck, I wonder what film NegaSeth has that
will be worse than this.
Oh
The Next Film Is One That Has Been Asked For By The Fans For A Long Time. It Is
One Of The Most Boring Monster Movies You Will Ever See And Not Even Horror
Hostess Elvira Can Save The Boredom You Will Feel.
Aw
crap……….I know what is next.
Yes!!!
It Is Time For You To Suffer Boredom From Monstroid (aka Monster)!!!! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
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