Kids, Always Avoid VD….
1990
You
know, despite the fact that many pro wrestlers go into acting and a large
majority of them fail spectacularly, it is a surprise that out of all 109
previous inductions, there have only been five movies that have even involved
people who are or have been in the pro wrestling business. We had Bill Goldberg
as a killer Santa Claus in Santa’s Slay; a man who should have worked as a
slasher villain, but was screwed by the poor movie See No Evil in Kane (aka
Glen Jacobs); one terrible movie with a woman who made a small appearance in
wrestling with Amy Webber being in Transmorphers; a co-starring role for an
actor who because of Hulk Hogan was made a pro wrestler with Tiny Lister being
in Dracula 3000; and a cameo by a really lesser known wrestler named Sylvester
Terkay in Evil Bong. But we are going to make it six with Jesse “The Body”
Ventura. Who is he, you may ask?
This
film has gotten several requests by readers to induct and thanks to NegaSeth,
I’m going to have to see why this was requested.
We
begin with the opening credits and the opening title card.
Apparently
Abraxas Is Our Lord And Savior
He
mentions that finders are supposed to renew their vows every 1,000 years and
Abraxas here has renewed his nine times so he has been on the force for almost
10,000 years. His job is to find renegades who would destroy any life-forms and
he can’t have any relationships while he is a finder. He then mentions that he
is being sent to apprehend his ex-partner Secundus.
Then
we cut to Abraxas chasing down Secundus in a snowy patch on Earth in a
shoot-out. We then see people guiding Abraxas from space and we see a problem
with this film.
It’s
Way Too Goddamn Dark
Not
since the days of Horror at Party Beach have I ever seen a movie this dark and
the MST3K crew had to lighten that film up so we could see what was happening.
Apparently
Secundus is trying to birth a Comater, who will solve the Anti-Life Equation,
which they say cannot be allowed to happen. Oh and he has apparently
re-engineered his body to be strong as hell and if he mates with a species, the
Comater will be conceived. Also Abraxas has captured Secundus before so yeah,
this is nothing new.
The
gunfight on Earth continues. We even get internal dialogue from Secundus who
says that Abraxas can’t possibly understand his motives as he only knows right
and wrong. Secundus of course says the only thing that matters is power, the
power to no longer be a victim of fate.
Yeah,
The Only Thing You Can See Is Explosions
Anyway,
the fight continues. Meanwhile in a car not far from here, a young man tries to
get it on with a young woman, but she doesn’t want to. Secundus shows up and
attacks, dragging the guy out of the car and taking the young woman with him.
Secundus tries to stop him from this, but he gets run over. Of course because
of this and the fact that Secundus is not good at driving, the car stalls and
the young woman, whose name is Sonia escapes the car.
Finally……..A
Halfway Decent Picture Of Secundus.
That
is Sven-Ole Thorsen, an actor who at this time just did small parts in movies
with Arnold Schwarzenegger in them. He was the hammer-wielding Thogrim in Conan
The Barbarian (the original, not that piece of crap remake), the sympathetic
bodyguard Sven in The Running Man, and the most memorable to me, a one second
appearance as a Russian soldier who gets shot by Arnold while Arnold says
“Knock Knock”. So yeah, he was really in movies because Arnold liked him. So
yeah, despite the fact that he and Jesse Ventura (who was also in Predator) had
no screen time together, the people thought it was logical for these two guys
to be hero and villain in this movie just because they just so happened to be
in the same movie.
Secundus
catches up to her and proceeds to put his hand on her stomach.
And
Because I Guess This Is Like Mating In Their Homeworld, This Gets Her Pregnant.
Abraxas
then arrests Secundus, who apparently is also basically almost immortal.
Secundus tries to have Abraxas join him by saying they can have it all and not
be almost anything. He also knows Abraxas will be forced to kill the girl and
he can’t do that. Abraxas for some reason we are not told at this time isn’t
allowed to kill Secundus so Secundus is teleported away to a prison. Abraxas
then goes to the girl he just glowing hand raped. Abraxas is then told to kill
the female so she will not give birth to the Comater, but he can’t bring
himself to do it and the Comater is born.
Oh
and the dialogue between Abraxas and Secundus was somehow cut out of the DVD I
have (which I will be throwing away because no one needs to be subjected to a
DVD that does it cuts like the DVD has bugs in it) so I had to use the Rifftrax
version to tell you what happened that this DVD just so happened to cut out.
Anyway,
that mourning, Sonia heads back into town with her new alien baby. She goes to
a bridge and thinks about ending it all for her and the baby, but decides not
to.
Then
we move to 5 years later. Sonia mentions that she and Tommy have a regular life
except that Tommy has never spoken. She says that she loves him so much, but
she fears that something terrible is going to happen to him. Meanwhile
elsewhere, Secundus has escaped again and is heading for Earth. Jeez……..space
prison is almost as bad as Arkham Asylum.
Well,
I Say Almost
Abraxas
gets flack because he didn’t kill the girl before she gave birth and now they
know Secundus escaped to complete his mission of getting the Anti-Life Equation.
Look, I know Abraxas didn’t follow orders and all, but even if he did, Secundus
would have escaped to try again with his plans. If he is so desperate to
succeed that he impregnates the first female he can find, he will do it again.
At least you know which planet Secundus is going to this time. But of course,
Abraxas defense isn’t that, but instead it’s “We didn’t know the child would
become the Comater”. Oh yeah, and because Secundus is a former finder, he can’t
be executed. And somehow this culture is ahead of us. Look, people of Sardacia,
whenever someone decides not to be a “finder” anymore, that shouldn’t mean they
retains the rights to be almost immortal. So anyway, Abraxas is sent to find
Secundus and bring him in………..again. Oh and Abraxas must kill the child this
time. We then go through wormholes.
I
Think I Was In One Of Those When Me And Forgotten Sin Inducted Michael
Jackson’s Moonwalker.
Oh
and because of a wormhole malfunction, Abraxas lost all his weaponry so he is
going at this alone. Nice job, guys. But the good news is Secundus also lost
all his weapons.
Secundus
Apparently Is The Predator
Bullshit…..
Yes,
bullshit indeed. Of course, this re-entry causes Tommy to wake up. Sonia comes into
to be surprised that Tommy is awake and we also learn that she has been called
to the principal of Tommy’s school’s office.
Meanwhile
Abraxas Acts Like The Melting Man When He Comes Out Of The Water, Screams And
All. Maybe The Water Was Too Cold For Him.
Meanwhile,
Sonia is at the principal’s office to talk about Tommy
I
Should Mention That This Principal Looks A Lot Like Jim Belushi.
*Looks
at the IMDB page*
What? It is Jim Belushi? What the hell is he doing in this film? Wait……..Jim Belushi as a Principal???
NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get Out While You Can!!!
Anyway,
the principal questions Sonia about why he has not been speaking and Sonia
thinks he is mute. Of course the reason the principal is asking all this
question because he doesn’t want a mute kid in a “school for normal kids”. Oh yeah,
and because of this, Tommy is getting bullied which is a problem to this
principal. Oh Sonia calls him out on not disciplining the other kid and asks
has he ever even thought of doing that, to which the principal says “No”. Okay,
I was in school in 1990, and if you got caught bullying people then, after
enough times (and if this principal is getting wind of this, it is enough
times), then you would be sent to the principal’s office where you would face
his verbal wrath and oh, was that something you didn’t want to receive. So how
this guy, who doesn’t even think to tell the other kids to stop bullying him to
stop, ever became principal is beside me.
Oh
and that’s it for the principal. Back in the woods, Abraxas chases Secundus,
who is trying to recharge his energy so he can take on Abraxas. Oh and this
chase scene is accompanied by saxophone music.
No,
Kenny G Had Nothing To Do With This Film
We
get a fight scene between Abraxas and Secundus, and Abraxas gets his ass
kicked. Look I’m sure you are asking why Jesse’s Abraxas is getting his ass
kicked when Jesse Ventura is a former Navy Seal and pro wrestler, well his
opponent is equally tough. Seriously, the guy who plays Secundus is a champion
bodybuilder, a champion power lifter, and has a black belt in karate. That and
if you add that in the film, Secundus has altered his biological structure so
that his body is hard as hell, you can forgive Jesse Ventura for actually
having trouble with this guy, but of course this was before Secundus got
recharged so you have the right to complain.
Secundus
then carjacks some campers and then Abraxas decides to grab hold of the roof.
Now, I'm Ready To Start Surfing
Secundus
is able to get Abraxas off his car and drives away. Abraxas hitches a ride from
the RV of the people who Secundus stole the SUV from. The people talk about how
they are going to the police and Abraxas says that he is a police officer,
although they note that he isn’t a local police officer with that attire.
Abraxas then asks if there is a store to get some local attire. Secundus parks
at a store and gets re-energized there. The guy who works at the store is
pissed off that Secundus broke in, but Secundus and uses the attempted
Anti-Life Equation test to blow his head off.
Toasty!!!
Secundus takes the guy’s coat and wears it. Back at the RV, one of the stupidest piece of dialogue ever spoken is spoken.
Father: So what makes
you think you can locate my 4-by-4?
Abraxas: My box has VD,
trust me. Mother: Your what?
Abraxas: VD. Vibrational Detection.
I
bet some scriptwriter made Jesse Ventura say this, thinking he was very funny
and I bet Jesse just shook his head in disbelief. Anyway, the father thinks
this might help them track Secundus and his car, but Abraxas says this.
Abraxas: No, members of
our force were taught to avoid VD
Godzilla
if you please….
Meanwhile
at the granary that Sonia works at, the deputy of this small town tries to hit
on her while talking about getting an alarm system for the place and fails big
time. This cop is of course a deputy and while trying to follow the letter of
the law, almost gets himself in trouble with a giant trucker whose forklift is
a safety hazard, but the sheriff stops him and tells him to not cause too much
trouble with small crimes and focus on the big ones because this is a small
town. Meanwhile, Secundus kills some people in town hall and finds the identity
of the Comater, Tommy.
Abraxas
and the cops try to stop Secundus, but he has a hostage so they are forced to
let him pass. Secundus lets go of the hostage, shoots a guy, and steals his
bike with Abraxas is in hot pursuit on foot.
Oh
And Now Abraxas Has Normal Clothing As Well
At
school, some kids try to pick on Tommy (so I guess the principal didn’t do jack
shit with that great advice Sonia gave him). Somehow, Tommy has psychic powers
and makes the biggest of the bullies wet his pants. Later on, the big bully confronts
Tommy about what he did and Tommy uses his psychic powers again to fling the
kid into the toilet stall.
Damn, I Forgot
This Could Technically Be Considered A Christmas Movie
Sonia
comes home (guess that was a quick movie) and sees that Abraxas has been
stabbed. Oh and you can definitely bet that Sonia recognizes him from five
years ago.
Oh
Yeah, That’s So The Look Of Someone Who Recognizes Someone From The Past And
Not The Look Of A Killer Or Victim In A Slasher Movie.
Anyway,
she gives Abraxas grief about the past five years and she tries to punch
Abraxas, but because Abraxas skin is also tough……..it hurts her. Abraxas tells
her that they must leave before Secundus comes for them and Sonia agrees.
Secundus is about to break into the granary where Sonia works, but some snot
nosed punk kid tries to taunt him about his stupidity and gets run over by his
own car that Secundus carjacks. So since Abraxas is “Guardian of the Universe”,
that must make Secundus “Carjacker of the Universe”.
During
a drive, we learn that Abraxas is driving them to Sonia’s good friend, Maxie’s
house. Meanwhile, the head guy is getting pissed that Abraxas hasn’t done his
duty yet and wants another finder sent down, but he can’t of course because the
warp unit in that area is still having problems. At Maxie’s house, Abraxas has
a conversation with Tommy and Abraxas is shirtless.
Get
Out Of Here, Pedo Bear!!!
Abraxas
tells the kid the story about what happened between him and Secundus. Sonia
comes in and sends Tommy to bed. She and Abraxas talk about their lives and how
they will protect Tommy from Secundus.
And
then for some reason Secundus heads to a strip club. Look, I know that snot
nosed kid mentioned women at a strip club, but he knows full well that Sonia is
not a stripper and that she works at the granary so this scene is just here for
some pointless tits and ass, which never happens so all that does happen is
Secundus beats up some bouncers and leaves because as he should already know,
Sonia is not here.
The
voice box for Abraxas tries to tell him to kill Thomas because he is the
Comater, but Abraxas threatens the machine that he will take her voice mode off
if she keeps bugging him about that and now has to speak when spoken too. He
then goes to the bathroom where Sonia is taking a shower, they see each other
without their shirts and it is very awkward silence between the two as Abraxas
leaves, the voice box reminding him that since he is a finder, he can’t have
relationships with the female kind. They have a talk and when asked why Abraxas
didn’t kill her, he tells Sonia that she was an innocent and he could never
kill an innocent.
Meanwhile
in the cop car, they find out that all the DNA evidence they have is not of
this Earth. They visit Sonia at Maxie’s house and she hides Abraxas. They offer
to assist her since they think she knows something about what is going on since
the killer they are looking for did vandalize her apartment. Wait…………that was a
house, not an apartment. They say she
can’t do this alone, to which Sonia says that she is not doing this alone and
even if she told them, they wouldn’t believe her. After they leave, she kisses
Abraxas who finds this action pleasant. Abraxas likes this so he does it to
her.
Secundus
heads to a diner where the two waitresses argue over who has to serve him since
both are freaking scared of him. Secundus doesn’t understand what a menu is so
he picks whatever the waitress points at when she tries to show him how to use
a menu. Basically, he picked the whole breakfast section of the menu.
I’m
Thinking He Should Be The Spokesman For Hungry Man Dinners As He Wants Them
All.
After
finding out that all the kids go to the same school, he leaves while eating the
bill. The cops find him and try to arrest him, it doesn’t go well as the cops’
weapons don’t work, even when the deputy somehow is able to produce an Uzi.
What
The…..
The
deputy gets thrown into the car.
While
all of this is going on, Tommy decides to run away from home because he doesn’t
want Secundus to hurt Abraxas, Sonia, or Maxie. Tommy runs to an old farm and
decides to hide there. Luckily for him, Abraxas is able to find him and
re-unites him with his mother, but he needs to talk to Tommy alone. Abraxas has
a heart to heart conversation with Tommy about what makes him different and
tries to assure that he is a good person who can learn to control his powers.
Meanwhile,
Secundus goes to the school and takes a classroom hostage. Abraxas tells the
cops that he knows where Secundus is and leads them to the school. Secundus
makes his demands: give him the Comater or he will start killing the children.
Tommy runs into the school despite Sonia trying to stop him. Tommy meets with
Secundus who makes plans to get the Anti-Life Equation out of Tommy. He tries
to do the test, but Abraxas stops him with a grey fire extinguisher. Secundus
takes down Abraxas (again) and goes after Tommy. Secundus steals another car
and is able to take Tommy to an abandoned factory. There, he tries to get Tommy
to give him the Anti-Life Equation by taunting him until Tommy breaks down and
explodes.
It
seems Tommy is finished, but Abraxas intervenes. Secundus tells Abraxas that he
is only delaying the inevitable because he can’t kill him thanks to that rule
that no finder past or present can be executed. But Abraxas refuses to listen
and a fight scene commences while Tommy’s powers are going haywire. Tommy then
causes both men to be blown out of the building with Abraxas barely hanging on.
Sonia comes in and calms Tommy down.
They
try to leave the abandoned factory, but Secundus is still alive and still won’t
give up. The final fight scene happens and for most of it, Abraxas is getting
his ass kicked. Abraxas does eventually get the upper hand and despite the
mandate that Abraxas can’t kill Secundus since Secundus was once a finder himself,
Abraxas gives Secundus a taste of his own medicine and gives him the Anti-Life
Equation test, which kills Secundus.
After
all of that, command tries to get Abraxas to come back, but our hero decides to
stay on Earth to watch over the Comater permanently, forfeiting his membership
as a finder for disobeying a transport order. Abraxas asks to keep his voice
box, which is left up to command. Command decides that they were wrong about
Abraxas and let him keep the voice box. Abraxas, Sonia, and Tommy hug.
Abraxas
tells the cops that when they write the report, they should scale it down to
acceptable levels so you know, they won’t get laughed out of the force. Abraxas
says that he is going to like living here as he gets in the car and heads home
with Sonia and Tommy, which means Sonia gets to live Jay of Jay and Silent
Bob’s ultimate dream.
She
Gets To Be The First Human Being To Find A New Alien Life Form And Fuck It
And
our movie ends with that.
Marjorie
Bransfield (who played Sonia) married Jim Belushi a few months later which kind
of makes more sense of why Jim Belushi made an appearance in this film. Jim
Belushi has gone on to having a career. He was Charles Jackal in the only
Michael Moore directed film that I like in Canadian Bacon; did voice work for
several shows like Duckman, Gargoyles, Mighty Ducks cartoon, Hey Arnold!, Ahh!
Real Monsters, as well as others; and his biggest role was the lead role in the
show According to Jim.
Now
let’s go to our two stars. First Sven-Ole Thorsen. His skills have been used
many times in action movies, but his two most notable appearances to me were in
a comedy and a drama. In the comedy department,
He
Was Security Guard LaFours in Mallrats
And
He Was Tygris Of Gaul in Gladiator
Now
Jesse Ventura. I saved him for last because he did a lot. First he went to WCW
as a commentator for a short time, but was fired by Eric Bischoff. Two stories
are going around why that happened. One was he allegedly fell asleep during a
WCW Worldwide TV taping and the other is that he was fired because Hulk Hogan
was coming in (he and Hogan were once buddies, but at a certain point, they
stopped liking each other). But before he went to WCW, he won a royalties
lawsuit from WWE (then WWF) which gave him $801, 333. He also got into politics
and became the mayor of Brooklyn Park in Minnesota. But his biggest impact was
becoming the first wrestler to win a major political office when he became the
Governor of Minnesota in 1998, which was a shocker because he was neither a
Republican nor a Democrat.
However,
he has become a bit paranoid and hosted a show called Conspiracy Theory with
Jesse Ventura, several going after the government for being secretly scheming
which couldn’t be true. I mean, that would be like our president is a lying SOB
who has people look at your phone records and has departments target groups
that oppose them politically.
Oh
Wait…………..
Anyway,
let’s talk about this movie. It sucks and the DVD I was using is going in the
trash. This film was why Jesse Ventura does not work in serious roles. He just
doesn’t have those chops to be taken seriously. The whole inner monologue crap
doesn’t work because people don’t want to hear every damn thought that comes
through your head. This movie needed a lot of idiocy for stuff to happen (like
the principal not thinking of telling the other kids to stop the bullying or
the deputy being able to produce a freaking Uzi and not get in trouble for
that). The acting from the supporting cast is not good and the dialogue is
embarrassing. This movie belongs in the forgettable list because no one in
their career is going to want to mention that they were in this film. But since
that movie is done……
You Son of a
Bitch!!!!
Oh,
hi NegaSeth, what did I do this time.
You made me
pissed that I didn’t save this for Christmas. Yet you failed to ever mention
that that last week, Jesse Ventura announced that he wanted to run for
president in 2016.
Oh,
that….
Don’t “Oh, that”
with me, I now have excellent reason to make this film an induction despite the
fact that this took place in Christmas. Oh, I’m going to enjoy making you
suffer through the next movie.
You
said I was going to suffer through this movie yet while it was bad, it’s not
going to be painful enough to be memorable.
Oh, but like I
said, I’ve been giving you easy ones. Last one was worse than the X From Outer
Space for you and my next film is going to be worse than the film you just
inducted.
So
what do you have in mind?
What are your
thoughts on Will Farrell?
Sometimes
he is good, most times he is annoying.
What are your
thoughts on Sid & Marty Kroft?
Their
stuff is confusing and definitely involved a lot of weed, but I did
like……………wait, you aren’t doing what I think you are doing?
Oh I am, I so
am……………
YOU
SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!
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