CGI Monster vs. CGI Monster W/ An 80s Teen Pop Sensation In The Middle
2009
Well, it is time for me to do what I have been surprisingly been able to hold off for several years and that is……….to review another film from our good friends at The Asylum. I mean, it has been almost three years since the horrors of Transmorphers plagued this site, so the question should be have they gotten better in those three years and the answer to that question will be coming up in this month’s induction, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.
Now I’m sure you are all wondering where are the “mockbusters” we are so used to from these frauds. Well, they were kind of forced to stop because the company that has plagued this site several times, 20th Century Fox got wind at what these turds were doing after they did a film called The Day The Earth Stopped (a “Mockbuster” of 20th Century Fox’s The Day The Earth Stopped) and sent The Asylum a cease and desist order. But does that stop the Asylum? Oh no, as their upcoming lineup includes Almighty Thor.
So in comes Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus and……..if you were on many message boards, you would know that during the announcement of the film’s creation and the DVD’s release, there was a load of buzz of anticipation for a lot of those people know of The Asylum and their infamous reputation. Of course, having your film have an insane title like Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, how can you expect any less than pure cheese?
This film also received anticipation as this was going to starring well-known 80s teen pop sensation Debbie Gibson (now going by Deborah Gibson). This is kind of awkward for me because as a very young tot (I wasn’t even 8 yet), I had a crush on Ms. Gibson. I mean seriously, it was between her and a cartoon woman named April O’Neil who had my affections at such a young age.
Hey……………I Admit It Was Weird
Now before I get into this induction and see how Asylum has fared in the three years since I last inducted one of their films, I should mention what happened a few days ago. It seemed my father watched one of these films called the 18 Year Old Virgin and he said it sucked. Unsurprisingly, the only reason he watched this film was because he enjoyed the 40 Year Old Virgin and thought this film was in the same vein (and a parody). I chuckled of course at the fact that my own father was duped by these dopes. And why do I bring this up, well because since I made fun of my mother and myself several times in past inductions, I figured it would only be fair to make fun of my dad and call it even. Of course, I still have a younger brother so it isn’t finished with me making fun of the entire family. Now let’s get into this piece of crap.
We start this film with snowy mountains…..
Oh Dear God, Please Let This Not Be The Opener To A Current Roland Emmerich Flick That I Got By Mistake Instead Of The Actual Film
Oh Thank God I Had The Right Film. Don’t Scare Me Like That Asylum….
Anyway….we get the opening credits which shows us a CGI mini-submarine going out and archive footage of fish.
Yeah, Get Used To Them Telling You Where You Are A Lot Because This Film Thinks You Are Dumb And Don’t Know That You Are Somewhere Else.
This Is The Only Way You Are Going To Know What Is Going On
CGI Glacier……………Terrible
We then hear communications from the Helicopter pilot and the radio that this is a top secret sonar test that if revealed, the government will deny all knowledge of what happened, which means this should not be legally happening. Eh…….I can buy it.
Meanwhile on the water, we get two people in the CGI sub, who are watching a whale migration and are unaware of what is going on above. One of those two is our main character, Emma McNeil….who is of course played by Deborah Gibson.
Who Are Obviously Not Really In A Mini Sub And Just In A Studio
We then see that they are watching stock footage and CGI done of a whale pod.
I Kid You Not, We Have CGI Whales
They then realize that an entire pod of whales is coming which is more than usual. The helicopter then releases an LFAS (Low Frequency Active Sonar) and it screws with the whales’ migration. One of the whales bumps into the CGI sub and we get shaky cam to attempt to show our characters felt that hit. The LFAS also screws up the machinery of the mini sub and the whales bump into the glacier walls.
And Our Helicopter Pilot Crashes.
This all reveals a piece of ice and reveals something that only Emma sees.
Our Monsters Frozen In The Ice.
The ice breaks and both monsters are immediately released. The two then separate from each other.
Meanwhile at an oil drilling platform off the Japanese coast, we see a crew hard at work drilling. Unfortunately for them, they are attacked and destroyed by the giant octopus.
The next day at Point Dume, California we hear Emma talking to her navigator friend. Basically it is exposition about how they stole the sub and now it is damaged. She tries to say she “borrowed” it (sorry, if you borrow something, you would have to ask first which she didn’t) and she says that she thought she saw something happen. They see scientists and guys in suits and immediately Emma goes to see what is up.
Apparently, a whale has been beached with huge wounds on its body. The lead scientist immediately thinks it was a propeller accident, but Emma comes in and reveals that the wounds were made naturally and not by a propeller. The lead scientist doesn’t believe her and brings up that little stunt she pulled with the sub. He says that she is going to be called by the board for a review of whether or not she should be fired.
We then get the first of many flashing white jump cuts and it jumps to birds flying and a guy surfing, make this scene completely pointless. In the park, we hear Emma worried about her job and talking to her friend about how it is all about money and not science. Emma then reveals that she is going to do something and that night, she sneaks into the site of the whale and grabs a giant tooth from the body.
After more nauseating white flashes, we go to a Japanese detention center where Dr. Seiji Shimada is interviewing the only survivor of that attack on the drill. The survivor is extremely pissed about the cover-up of a construction failure and saying that there were no survivors, meaning that his family and friends thinks he is dead. Seiji then asks the survivor to tell him what he saw. The survivor draws it on a piece of paper and this intrigues Seiji.
In the air, we see a plane fly by…
A Really Bad CGI Plane
And one of the people on the plane is a couple about to be married. There are some small rumblings caused by turbulence and this worries the guy about to be married. The flight attendant calms him down, but after he relaxes he says “Holy Shit” and this is what he sees.
The shark attacks and takes down the entire plane.
Eat Your Heart Out, Air Jaws
The next day, Emma is fired and as she leaves her boss tries to give her some advice which is stop loving the ocean because it doesn’t love her back. She immediately goes home and researches the tooth she got from the carcass. That day, she meets up with her mentor Professor Lamar Sanders who has a very strong Irish accent at Half Moon Bay, California.
Emma tells him about what happened and asks for his health on figuring out what she found. She believes she is also being followed by the feds, a point which will come later. Emma shows him the tooth and after a boring research montage with random grey screen effects, Lamar tells her that it belongs to a Megalodon. Now before I get into our dear old Megalodon, I first must issue a problem.
This Is The Tooth She Found
This Is An Actual Megalodon Tooth
Notice that they don’t look even close to the same. That is not a Megalodon tooth nor is it even half of one. If you can’t even get a fake tooth to look right, you have no business doing a movie based on the damn thing.
Now let’s get to our old friend the Megalodon. I inducted this creature on this very same month years ago when I inducted Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. Since then, I have realized that there have been a whole slew of films based on this prehistoric and mostly believed to be extinct beast and the one thing in common is they are all terrible films. Besides Shark Attack 3, we have Megalodon and Shark Hunter and trust me when I say this, but Shark Attack 3 was actually the most entertaining out of the Megalodon films. That should tell you that besides the giant monster, they really don’t have much else.
Back to our current film, Emma & Lamar meet Seiji (who Lamar owns) at the San Francisco International Airport.
He talks to them about the attack on the drill and reveals that the survivor drew him a picture of a giant octopus.
Emma also gets a tape of the footage that came from the camera in the mini sub. It reveals that what she saw was legit and it was the Megalodon and the giant octopus. Back at the docks, Lamar reveals that her friend was smart to give it to them instead of the feds as they would cover it up. The three talk about how they can’t believe that two beasts believed to be extinct are mysteriously unleashed unto the world. Emma reveals that it might not be so mysterious since polar ice caps are melting all over the world and this whole thing may be our comeuppance. Okay…….when doing a monster movie, try to stay away from politics if at all possible. I know it worked with The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms and Godzilla, but those were years ago and that kind of crap doesn’t work now. We then see stock footage of dolphins and that transitions to a destroyer being sent out to take out the Megalodon in top secret fashion.
Oh Man Are These Guys Not On A Destroyer
They then see the shark closing in and we get this terrible CGI shot
They use this shot a bunch of times during this battle for cheap reasons and yet they are completely nonsensical and don’t match up.
They Also Used This Shot Numerous Times And Tried To Be Clever By Reversing It.
Anyway in short, the shark destroys the destroyer while the captain screams “NO!!!!!” I seriously think that is one of the worst cries of all time. I think I should just combine it with the Oh My God segment from Troll 2.
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The next day, Lamar wakes Emma, who was sleeping on the couch.
Probably The Only Time Deborah Gibson Has Been Forced To Sleep On The Couch
When Seiji is seen walking around, the door is busted open and the three are arrested by the feds. They are immediately taken to Treasure Island, which is apparently a US Naval Air Command Station.
Oh Trust Me, I Am Showing This For A Reason That You Will Find Out Later
They are then interrogated by the commander Allen Baxter….
Played By The Renegade Himself, Lorenzo Lamas
Allen Baxter is easily a xenophobic as he immediately makes racist remarks towards Seiji and makes derogatory comments towards Lamar. In the end, Allen reveals that the government needs their help in dealing with the problem. In fact because they figured it out first, the government feels they can come up with a solution to dealing with this nightmare. Because if they don’t “Sharkzilla” is going to own the seas and if you “own the seas, you own the world” (his words, not mine). Emma reveals that there are two beasts with the Giant Octopus joining the Megalodon.
Seiji brings up possible means of containment, which Allen immediately scoffs at and asks if he means destruction. Emma says that no, they mean containment. She adds that while these creatures are a threat, they are also the most significant science discovery of our time. To her that means these two creatures can’t be destroyed. You know, this type of crap normally comes from the people who end up being antagonists, not the protagonists. Yes, the containment argument is considered the right thing to do right now with this film.
Bleeding Heart Liberal Scientists……..here is the dilemma here. I agree with you that the idea of two prehistoric creatures so far making each the only one of its kind would make them protected under the Endangered Species Act, but……any hope of a non-killing resolution went out the window when the octopus destroyed an entire oil drill and the Megalodon took an entire airplane down. Yeah, those two animals have the taste of human flesh and they are not going to stop so what should be done is you kill them and if you really need to, keep their bodies so they can be in a museum. And preferably we take care of this supposedly in an area where the general population cannot be harmed. Why do I have the feeling they will try to do completely the opposite of what I proposed?
So yeah, they make an ultimatum that they won’t help unless they get full assurance that they will do everything in their power to entrap the creatures instead of killing them. And where will all of this happen?
San Francisco Bay & Tokyo Bay....Okay, Now You Just Told My Wonderful Thinking To Go Fuck Itself.
Fine…….you want to do it your way, go ahead. Let’s see how well this goes. Oh wait, but before that can happen, they need to find out how they are going to lure the two creatures to those different areas. And you remember that shot I showed you earlier about them being in Treasure Island to inform us that they are somewhere different, well……….
They Show Us That They Are Still At The Same Damn Place……
This movie is just filled with problems like this. Anyway, we get a montage of the three scientists trying to figure out what to use to lure the two creatures to their destinations. But there are two things that happen at this time, one is Emma and Seiji decide to screw each other’s brains out.
Just So You Know, The Minutes Spent On You Two Boning Could Be Spent Trying To Figure Out A Problem. No Offense, But An Emergency Crisis Like This Should Not Making You Two Horny.
Anyway, we cut to them after sex (sorry…..no breasts revealed by Deborah Gibson, you horny kids from the 80s) and they figure out that pheromones is the solution to their problem. They immediately tell Allan of the plan to lure the two creatures using the pheromones of their respective species and when Allan asks how they would know this would work; Lamar has a very good line.
Lamar: Those guys have been frozen in ice for millions of years. Wouldn't you be a little horny?
Makes perfect sense to me, but still you want to lure these creatures in areas that could be populated by people? Let’s see how this great plan works.
But First, Let’s Show We Are At The Same Fucking Place Again.
Well, I guess I should add a little more to what they plan on doing. They plan on using mini subs and planes to spray the pheromone trail to each monster’s respective area: the giant octopus to Tokyo Bay and the Megalodon to San Francisco Bay. Well the first idea of using planes fails because……..
The Octopus Destroys The Plane Carrying Octopus Pheromones.
Well, they dodged a bullet and no innocent lives lost, but how about the second part?? Well, after some dialogue of nonsense and stupid ass CGI mini sub and shark chase….that fails as well, but even worse. How worse???
Another Destroyer Is Destroyed, Along With This Destroyer’s Captain Who Has One Of The Funniest “Oh Crap” Face Ever
Now you might be saying “How is that worse, the Megalodon didn’t kill innocent life”. Well, Ole Meg isn’t done yet.
It Destroys The Golden Gate Bridge.
Now you see why I thought the whole idea of having this in San Francisco Bay was a terrible idea. There is a very famous bridge that goes over it. Of course, we hear via telecommunications with Seiji that the giant octopus also foiled the Tokyo Bay plan, and innocent lives were lost there as well (this is why you don’t put these animals in areas that are very near to populated areas). This is the only way we know this happens because Asylum was too cheap to have the whole Tokyo plan shown to us. Of course, Allen gets yelled at and both of the two scientists think their part was a success as the shark did follow the pheromones. I’m sorry you two, but there is no amount of stuff you could have to capture the beast. This was what happens when you put the shark in San Francisco Bay and Tokyo Bay. YOU FAIL!!!!!!
Unfortunately, Allen isn’t as smart because his next solution is underwater nuclear bombing. Yeah, that plan will also kill a lot of people. Of course, our scientists see that this plan would make things worse for everyone and try to come up with a new plan. Hopefully one that is smart this time.
That night, Emma dreams about what is going on and comes up with an idea. She pitches this idea by first stating “Thrilla in Manila”. When they ask what she means, she says that her idea is to get the two creatures to fight each other. Then…..
GODDAMN IT……..WE KNOW WHERE YOU ARE!!!!! WE ARE NOT THAT STUPID!!!!!
They say that these two are natural enemies since they fought each other till the death even though things were getting frozen. I would like to say that I don’t know how natural of enemies these two creatures since the first thing they did after being unfrozen was separate and go on their own destructive paths. Could just be the two accidentally were frozen together. But I guess since you are the scientists, your plan will work this time and whatever gets this film over with is fine by me.
They decide using the same pheromone technique to get the creatures together and decide to shockingly actually get the creatures into an area not near a populated area. Emma, Lamar, and Allen are now on CGI subs and decided that the Alaskan Coast is prefect to set the trap. Seiji is in another CGI sub and is also helping. We get a video conference where Emma, Lamar, and Seiji quote Shakespeare. You know, I would rather being watching dry reading of Shakespeare than this crap.
It gets interrupted by a distress signal from an oil tanker. When it reveals that they shouldn’t be out there, the news reports that the oil tanker was hijacked off of Finland and the crew was killed. So yeah, this ship is being manned by hijackers. Basically you don’t give a damn about whether they die when they are attacked and neither does either crew. They decide to set one of the pheromones so the creature will follow them to wherever they go. Of course the Megalodon attacks and chases them to the Alaskan coast. More subs act as small decoys, but they are easily dispatched by the octopus, which also shows up. Now they are being chased by both creatures and oddly enough, they are not attacking each other like planned.
We get a small subplot where the sub’s navigator goes crazy and holds a gun to the captain, but he is immediately knocked out. Lamar then takes over since he had a past with navigating. The Megalodon is about to attack, but the giant octopus finally realizes that it is under his contract to fight the shark.
Of course the shark immediately bites one of octopus’ tentacles and after an illegal ink spray by the octopus, the two monsters separate. The shark immediately attacks the sub and the three main characters are forced to evacuate while the captain and crew stay behind to go down with the sub.
The shark is about to attack the mini sub, but the Japanese sub with Seiji shows up to help.
Then the octopus attacks the Japanese sub and it seems they are dead. Then the two creatures finally decide to have one more final battle to the death with each other. Lamar says that he knew they couldn’t stay away from each other….you mean despite the point the two stayed away from each other throughout most of the film?
Anyway, we get a battle between two horrible CGI monsters that looks like something you would see on someone’s screen saver. This battle lasts less than 2 minutes before the two creatures kill each other and sink to their death, while the two scientists are kind of sad.
But their sadness is made into happiness when they find out that Seiji was able to escape on his own mini-sub. Now on the beach, Seiji and Emma talk about continuing their relationship when Lamar shows up with a new discovery. This prompts all three to agree to help on this. Now some of you might add that this might be a setup for a sequel, well guess what? There is a sequel called Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus and neither of the three are involved with that film. Yeah, so an unnecessary sequel push for these three characters and when the sequel is made, none of them are in it. So this open ending as to their next adventure is never answered.
Well, since almost all of these actors are basically just Asylum retreads, there is nothing to add other than they have gone on to be in other Asylum films. So let’s get to my final thoughts and what has Asylum accomplished in the three years since I last inducted them. Well, they now have original movies as well as the movies that are “mockbusters”. And they are sort of better, but that is not really by much as these films are still extremely terrible. From crappy CGI, horrible acting, horrible writing, even the small stuff like repeating shots or repeating the same place’s name over and over again. For all the excitement of getting to see the two monsters duel, you only get a few minutes of them fighting and most of the time it is one of the monsters creating destruction or the actors making terrible dialogue in sets that are mostly not even close to the insides of the places they are supposed to be at. It seems to me that Asylum is content with making a complete joke out of anyone who watches these films and it honestly makes me sick. And you know what, the sad part is I know that as long as Monster Crap exists……….I know I am going to have to continue to induct these films because lord knows Asylum won’t stop doing them or attempt to make something better.
Although for this film, at least the title characters were in most of the film……
Unlike This Film Where The Title Characters Are Not In Most Of That Film
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