The Movie That Saved Monster Crap
2007
Folks, I would like to hearken you back to 2007 when I was really screwed on money enough to pay for the technological advances needed to continue and my Multiple Sclerosis had re-appeared to give me hell. This was in fact the closest I had ever come to quitting Monster Crap and trust me, I might have quit. It wasn’t until I went on Fearnet.com and saw that one of the movies I saw that I could watch was this little film I am inducting.
I had honestly heard of this film because it is so insane to have a killer named Horny the Clown that I must have heard of it. I decided that what the hell since I wasn’t doing anything else and I was kind of recovering so why not. What happened was I watched something that gave me new desire to continue on with Monster Crap. In fact, I almost had this as my next induction and 2007 GINO Award winner. But I decided instead to have a poll for it and people instead decided that I should induct Epic Movie. For several times, I have attempted to get this film inducted and now finally, it will happen.
There isn’t much to talk about before this picture on the filmmakers, but I have plenty of notes for the actors who were in this film. This film starred Sarah Meester, who at the same time was getting ready to be considered a TV star with Gossip Girl. It also had Melora Hardin, who at the time was playing Monk’s wife in the hit USA show Monk. Playing one of the detectives in this film is Lola Glaudini, who had played agent in The Sopranos & Criminal Minds. Her partner is played by Larry Joe Campbell, who was playing Jim’s brother Andy in According To Jim. Sara Meester wasn’t the also star who was in Gossip Girl &; this film as Penn Badgely is also in this film. We could also add the girl who played one of the girls who died in the beginning of The Ring (guess what happens to her here). But probably the biggest name of them all is the man who plays ironically enough, the manager of a fast food restaurant.
Why would I say ironically??? Because this man is Morgan Spurlock, who was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Documentary for his film that basically ripped on the fast food industry called Super Size Me.
Might Not Want To Watch This Film While Eating…………
The man who basically made fast food empires like McDonald’s look like crap is playing the manager of a fast food restaurant.
Immediately, you get the impression that this movie is kind of a horror comedy and you would actually be correct. So let’s not super size our minds and let’s get into this film.
We start this movie with……..
White Boys Trying To Act Ghetto And Their Bubble-Headed Girlfriends
When I first saw this movie, I immediately wanted to turn this movie off because if these were the main characters, I was going to want to quit. But luckily these morons are not our main characters as they decide to go to HellaBurger (whose mascot we know that our main killer is dressed up as thanks to our poster). So using horror movie logic, if we haven’t introduced our main killer yet and these people are going to the place where we know our main killer probably resides, these morons are just death fodder. We also get the name of this town because one of these morons decides to throw a glass bottle at the welcome sign.
Based On Some Research, The Name “Blanca Carne” Is Spanish For “White Meat”.
Oh and I should also mention that this town is in Orange County, which is known thanks to TV shows as the “the place where the liberal elite likes to call its main area”. So just imagine me (being as miserable as I was with having to deal with another MS attack and my technology being lackluster) seeing this. You can easily see me twiddling my fingers in the way an evil mastermind and thinking “Yes….yes….kill these mother fuckers”.
So we go to the drive thru and……….
I Don’t Know About You, But I Really Wish HellaBurger Actually Existed Based On That Awesome Drive Thru Radio.
Anyway, these morons try to use their lingo to order and immediately we get some great humor.
Horny: Hi, I’m Horny the Clown. Welcome to HellaBurger. Would you like to try our jalapeño cheesy sticks? They’re only 99 cents with any order.
Moron Boy #1: Yo…We don’t want no mother fuckin’ cheesy dicks, clown boy.
*laughter can be heard by the crew*
Horny: Can I fuck your whore, wigger?
*The crew feels insulted as Moron Boy #2 chimes in*
Moron Boy #2: Yo….what the fuck did he just say??
Horny: Can I take your order, mister???
Moron Boy #1: Yeah, yeah, yeah…..alright bozo, we want….uh….four Chili Cheese Hella Half-Pounders…
Moron Girl #1: And I want a milkshake
Moron Girl #2: Oooooooh
Moron Girl #1: Chocolate
Moron Boy #1: Yo…..you bustin’ out tummy as it is, booty quake.
Horny: You wanna die, bitch?
Moron Boy #1: Yo…..you dissin’ us in there, grease spot? What the fuck you just say?
Horny: You want fries with that.
Moron Boy #1: Yeah, yeah, yeah…..does the pope shit in the woods, nigga?
Moron Boy #2: Yo…..I’m gonna show Jack-off In the Box what’s up?
Moron Boy #1: Yeah…..
*Moron Boy #2 takes his gun and leaves the car.*
Moron Girl #2: Yo, Tony…..I don’t think that’s a good idea.
*Moron Boy #2 closes the door and prepares to go inside*
Moron Girl #2: Tony…………
Horny The Clown: You wanna make it Hella Huge for another 3 bucks or Hella-normous for an extra 5?
Moron Boy #1: Hell no!!!
The three morons in the car drive to the window as security cameras catch the other dope breaking in to the restaurant. The dope (named Tony apparently) starts looking for the attendant in attempts to beat him up for clowning with them on the radio. He hears noise from the back and goes to investigate. After a small jump scare with a rat and Tony yelling that he is never eating here again, we finally meet our killer.
Horny: Order Up….
Horny throws Tony into the wall and he says another classic line.
Horny: Employee of the Month’s ‘bout to fuck you up!!!
We then get a look at his awesome shoes as Moron Boy #1 enters to check on his buddy. He finds Tony face down in the deep frier and when he tries to wake him up, Tony is dead with his face peeling off.
Moron Boy #1 screams and runs at the site of his former friend’s face in his hands, but he sadly runs into Horny, who grabs him and puts him on the table.
This white boy tries to beg off being killed by mentioning that his dad has money, but Horny says no and kills him with his meat cleaver.
We get our opening credits which art shots of art with Horny the Clown and a local teen band (fronted by Mackenzie Carpenter (played by Leighton Meester)) singing a song called “Inside The Black” in their backyard during a small party. In case all of you are wondering, that is Leighton actually singing this song for the film while on the soundtrack; a male voice (who just so happens to be one of the directors of this film) sings the song. I have heard both versions and I have to admit, Leighton actually sings this song better than the original singer. Maybe it is a credit to her singing skills or an indictment to the original singer (take your pick), I am just stating my opinion here.
That Is A Rarity In My Eyes For The Actor To Sing This Song Better Than The Actual Singer.
Mackenzie then sees a couple who she doesn’t like and chases them out by spraying soda on them along with saying this line.
Mackenzie: I don’t remember inviting any Banana Republicans to my party.
The couple leaves in disgust as Mackenzie and Fisher laugh and kiss again. We hear police sirens as we realize this party is being broken up.
In another room, Mackenzie moans over the fact that she got a ticket for noise violations and that her parents are not going to be happy. Another friend named Val says she has something that can make her feel better. Mackenzie says that nothing is going to make her feel better when all of a sudden Val….
Produces A Joint
Mackenzie immediately says she stands corrected. While the three are getting high, two other friends of her (Van & Starshine) come back with an Ouija board. Don’t use those, Regan from the Exorcist used one and…………
The Results Were Disastrous To Say The Least
No one except Mackenzie knows what it is and she explains that it is something her parents used to have back in the day when they were hippies. Yeah apparently teens in Orange County are all liberals and until proven otherwise, I don’t think I can disagree with that sentiment. She says that it can channel the spirit world and shit. Van (yes, that is his name) doesn’t hold much stock into that stuff, but Starshine (yes, that is her name) reveals that not only have people said that stuff works, but it can also have dangerous consequences. Fisher then explains that they could accidentally call up a demon…..or even Charles Manson. Of course Van is an idiot so he says this line.
Van: Dude, We Can Dial Up Marilyn Manson With This Shit! Let’s Get It On!
Hey, That’s My Line!!!
Poor, poor losers…..let me explain a few things.
Charles Manson is a man who went formed a cult around which he claimed he was god or some nonsense and had his followers start killing people who he thought were not worthy to live. He was sentence to die, but that sentence has been commuted to “life in prison without parole” when California outlawed the death penalty. I say that in quotation marks because almost every few years, despite the fact the man is bat-shit insane….they have a parole hearing for the guy. Yes, California has on multiple times, actually considered letting this man out of prison and into modern society. Charles Manson also has a following of young and old people who consider him to be a hero. If you are wondering why these morons exist, I have no earthly idea. And if you are one of these morons, then you need help…….serious help.
Why am I mentioning who these two people are, it is 1) because they don’t know the difference and 2) to state the fact that it is kind of hard to talk to them using an Ouija board. Why, because an Ouija board is used to speak to the sprit realm (which is only occupied by things that are not living) and both of these men are as of this induction, still alive.
Moving back to this movie, they basically mention my line with Regan from the Exorcist using one of these so in fact these people do know that using one of these might be a bad idea. So of course, the five decide to use it. It doesn’t work and Val, Van, & Starshine leave. Van makes a joke about making a booty call with a sure thing using his cell phone, and of course….it is Val, who tells him that the booty call will only happen in his dreams.
Fisher and Mackenzie are alone and Fisher asks our leading lady what she was going to ask. She says she was going to ask what is in store for her in the future. She then says it is stupid because she already knows what is going to happen. She says that Fisher will abandon her so he can go to New York and she will be fat, alone, and Republican in Orange County, which is worse than being in hell. Fisher says that he has to go to New York because nothing cool happens in Southern California and that, Mackenzie got into Berkley so she will be fine. I agree with Mackenzie and do not agree with Fisher. I have already stated my problems with New York and Berkley, California. Being any of the three things Mackenzie mentioned in the OC is worse than being in hell.
Anyway, Mackenzie wants to go with Fisher because all she thinks she is going to get out of college is a stalker and/or an addiction to a designer drug. Of course, there is plenty of shit to do besides that in college, but I am going longer than I should so let’s move on. Suddenly, the Ouija board decides to work its magic and it spells out the license plate of the vehicle which the people from earlier were in.
We move to the two girls (who are Tiffa and Brittany) who wake up from their nap and are concerned that neither of the guys are back yet. Of course, Tiffa finds the two guy’s bodies in the back.
Tiffa screams and tells Brittany about the two dead bodies in the back. This conversation is of course cut short by Horny who decides to use his meat cleaver to break through the window and stick the cleaver into the back of Brittany’s head.
Tiffa screams constantly at this site and Horny does what all of us would have done which is shut her up. Of course, most of us would have done that in a different way from what Horny does, which is kill her off-screen.
We then go to the next day where the vehicle is now part of a crime scene with Detective Chase and Detective Crackers.
Wait…..I am being told by the fat guy that is name is Crockers. They investigate the crime scene along with two regular cops who reveal that Highway To Hell was playing on the radio. Crockers says that it is sung by Styx from their Paradise Theater album, but the security officers try to correct him in saying that it is AC/DC. Crockers gets mad and says he was rocking it before they were even grown up, but Chase tells Crockers that it was in fact AC/DC who did that song. Chase wants to clean the crime scene up before the media gets here, but the media immediately gets there and the two cops have to shoo them away.
Back at the Carpenter household, Mackenzie’s mom (named Marcia) gives Mackenzie crap about the violation ticket she got. Mackenzie’s father (named Bill) couldn’t care less and chalks it up to their daughter being young. Marcia says that is not acceptable and continues to scold Mackenzie over this. Mackenzie thinks her mother is overreacting, but she disagrees. Of course, we also find out that the camera that was there earlier is now gone. Bill is serving burgers, but Mackenzie is also a vegetarian and scolds everyone for eating stuff that came from a living animal. Bill has a good saying that if you are 20 and you aren’t liberal, you don’t have a heart. Mackenzie adds that if you are not Republican when you are 50, you have no money. Hey I resent those words because I turned Republican when I was 16. We then see a Hella Burger commercial which is Horny The Clown acting like Godzilla in a film clearly ripped from Japan, added with the restaurant’s owner Jack Carpenter on the side talking about his food.
Breaking news comes on as we see the media talk about the murders at a nearby HellaBurger restaurant. The vehicle was drenched with blood, but no bodies were found. Fisher and Van mention that the vehicle belonged to Brandon Meeks (Moron Boy #1). Mackenzie notices the license plate number from what was spelled on the Ouija board.
Inside the house, Mackenzie, Van, Fisher, & Val decide to keep this all a secret for fear that no one would believe it.
We go to the next day at Blanca Carne High School where Fisher and Mackenzie hang out by Mackenzie’s locker. Fisher invites her to his house tonight, but Mackenzie declines saying she is way behind on the yearbook photos and without her camera, it will be harder for her to do. Fisher than looks in Mackenzie’s locker and grabs her pink Magic 8 Ball. We get a whole slew of dialogue with this 8 ball nonsense before Fisher leaves to head to class. Mackenzie continues to play with the Magic 8 ball before it starts speaking specifically to her.
This concerns Mackenzie as it seems her Magic 8 ball is possessed. She asks it “Who are you” and it responds with this.
Horny Grabs Her
While Mackenzie is doing yearbook photos in the computer room, Lenny the janitor comes by.
Of Course The Janitor Is An Ugly Redneck, Why Would You Think Otherwise?
He jokes around about Mackenzie’s liberal beliefs before he shows her that he has found her missing camera. When she asks where he found it, he says “You don’t wanna know” and he leaves afterwards. Mackenzie then uses the darkroom because her camera is apparently still old that a dark room is need for the pictures to come out. She gets pictures develop of her band playing in the backyard before pictures develop of all the murders that have been happening and one picture develops of her in the dark room. This spooks her out
She turns around and Horny is around. She screams and Horny chases her throughout the halls. This should be a tense chase, but the goddamn loud metal music playing in the backgrounds starts to drown out what is going on at times. Mackenzie runs into the gymnasium where she makes this discovery.
Val Is Tied To A Chair, With A Microwave Stuck To Her Head And It Is On.
Of course Val dies when the timer is done.
It does actually make more sense in this case then in the Last House On The Left remake tacked on ending where the microwave is wide open and still on. But yeah, I don’t know if that can still work with Val’s head popped through it. Mackenzie screams and runs away as Horny appears. Horny gives chases as he grinds his meat cleaver on the lockers to the point……….
That Sparks Occur
Mackenzie tries to escape, but the doors are locked. Horny comes on the speakers and says this line.
Horny: Mackenzie, I’m lonely. You know you want my horn dog in your hot little buns.
Mackenzie threatens to call the cops, but Horny taunts her some more before apparently teleporting outside the school.
This makes more sense than Jason Voorhees teleporting in Jason Takes Manhattan because we have already established that this guy has supernatural powers with the Ouija, the Magic 8 Ball, & the photos. Mackenzie runs to the bathroom to find Lenny….
Hung
Mackenzie runs as she meets a nearby cop, who got there for some reason.
We first see a porno with HellaBurger owner Jack Benjamin popping up to block out all the naughty parts. Yep, this is another commercial for HellaBurger and I have to say, these commercials are actually awesome, but you know damn well they would never air.
Apparently That White Stuff Is Sauce.
Mackenzie is at the police station trying to explain what happened and we get this line.
Mackenzie: How many times do I have to tell you? I was being chased by a seven foot tall Horny the Clown with a meat cleaver!
Of course Chase and Crockers believe that Lenny did all of these acts and then killed himself. Mackenzie then has this response to their theory.
Mackenzie: Lenny couldn’t find his ass with both hands! Explain to me how he could possibly pull this off!
*throws the photos of the murders on the cops’ desk*
Mackenzie: Is he a fucking magician or something??!!
Mackenzie’s parents try to calm her down when Crockers starts being an asshole and thinking that Mackenzie has been doing some drugs. They leave, but not before Crockers continues to be a douche and Mackenzie responds to him in kind.
The next day, Mackenzie’s friends almost scare her and they tell her to relax as they come in peace. Mackenzie has a good retort to this.
Mackenzie: You try to relax with Ronald McStalker on your ass.
Mackenzie starts getting paranoid about this whole crap as Fisher tries to calm her down. Fisher of course wonders this.
Fisher: What I want to know is…………what’s this have to do with Horny the Clown? I grew up with that lovable son of a bitch. It’s like finding out Captain Kangaroo’s got pieces of Mr. GreenJeans in his freezer.
Does Captain Kangaroo Have Pieces Of Mr. GreenJeans In His Freezer??? The World Will Never Know.
At Jack Benjamin’s mansion, he is met by Chase & Crockers and he basically makes a Cheese and Crackers line, which is probably the whole point as to why these two cops were named Chase & Crockers. They say they have reason to believe the perpetrator of the recent homicides may have been wearing a Horny the Clown costume. Jack asks the two detectives in his office and asks them to keep the press from knowing the killer was wearing the costume.
They ask to see the security tapes from both Blanca Carne restaurants. Unfortunately, Jack can’t do that because he was too cheap to actually put tapes in those cameras and they are just there for show. Crockers then notices a picture of the original Horny and he asks who the lucky guy to take that role was. Jack says that it was his son and that his son has passed away. Crockers of course doesn’t realize that he wasn’t so insensitive there and he asks for an autograph from Jack, to which the HellaBurger owner obliges. As the cops leave though, we see that Jack has tapes in those cameras and he replays the footage from the night those four morons from the beginning were murdered.
That night, Mackenzie is in her room putting makeup on when she is surprised by Fisher who sneaks in. When Fisher asks what Mackenzie is listening to, Mackenzie answers that she is listening to Highway To Hell. Of course that isn’t Highway To Hell, but they cover it up by saying she is playing the song backwards to see if there are any clues in it. I honestly don’t know how you can play a song backwards and honestly, I will just chalk this up to them trying to say the name without playing the actual song because as we all know, AC/DC is one of those bands that will charge you up the ass in royalty fees. Fisher tries to tell her that the backwards stuff is just bullshit. Then Mackenzie gives Fisher a piece of paper which shows that there are satanic messages in the song if you play it backwards. Mackenzie worries about all the stuff that happens when she turns 18 including now having the prince of darkness on her ass. She turns around and yells at Fisher for having an Etch-A-Sketch on his lap. Mackenzie then decides that if she is going to die, she isn’t going to die a virgin and has sex with Fisher before she is 18.
I’m Afraid That Will Be As Much Skin As I Am Showing Although To Be Fair, That Is As Much Skin As This Film Will Show As Well.
Of course during all of this, her mother interrupts by knocking on the door, but all that accomplishes is shedding the plot that McKenzie has to work the haunted house at the Carnival (which is the last big school event of the year and everyone will be there) as part of being in the Yearbook club. Anyway, they continue to have sex as the Etch-A-Sketch gets possessed and writes this.
Now while you will think that is just this ghostly killer making fun of what is going on, it actually is a clue because………..
A Bitch Is Wearing That Shirt
It turns to be the preppy bitch from the whirlpool that Mackenzie kicked out along with her boyfriend. They meet up again and they trade barbs with each other. The peppy kids go into the haunted house ride and there they decide to have sex. They stop because the guy is premature in his sex skills. They continue the ride as they talk about how lame the haunted house is………when suddenly the lights go out. We hear something happen as when the lights go on, the preppy bitch sees her boyfriend has been killed.
Of course Horny then grabs this preppy bitch and kills her.
Unfortunately, it seems that Fisher was a witness to these murders.
Outside of the carnival, Marcia meets up with an old friend of hers, named Bert from back in the day. They talk about how all their kids go to the same school and Bert’s daughter is the preppy bitch from earlier. We also realize that Brandon Meeks (Moron Boy #1) was also the son of one of their old friends as well. Also, Val is also the daughter of one of their old friends. I can smell a crucial plot point here, but of course they all chalk it up to coincidence. Starshine comes by and mentions that something bad happened at the haunted house and she needs to come quick. The two investigate why the ride is broken and they see all of the blood and look for Fisher, who has disappeared. They find blood on one of the carts and they find Fisher who is completely out of it thanks to what he saw. Fisher is taken to the hospital as Chase follows, but Mackenzie is not allowed to.
The next day, Mackenzie wakes up and notices the message on her Etch-A-Sketch. Mackenzie then goes to the hospital to see Fisher. But she is stopped by the cops and they don’t buy Fisher’s story. They immediately tell Mackenzie to leave and is furious that they would suspect him. Marcia tries to talk to her daughter and Mackenzie asks her mom if she actually thinks it is just a coincidence that all of her friends’ kids are getting killed. Marcia plays dumb on this whole thing, but Chase hears the whole thing.
At the police station, Chase talks to Bert and Bert believes that Fisher is the killer. When Chase talks about the fact that all of the missing kids (their bodies have not been found yet) have a connection, he still plays dumb. Now I will say that there is some problem with that because some of the people who died were just friends of the kids. In fact, Moron Boy #2, both Moron Girls, & the preppy guy were all innocent victims. Both Chase and Mackenzie believe that the parents of all the missing kids have a connection to what is going on. They believe that they did something that caused someone to want revenge by taking out the kids because most parents would rather be dead than lose their kids. Since Chase believes this, that means a cop actually believes that Fisher is innocent so we go to the next scene, where Fisher attempts to….
Drug Crockers!!!!
So in the real world, if this works…………..no matter how innocent Fisher is for the murders, he would still serve time for drugging a cop. Of course he wakes Crockers up and shows him the burger, Crockers wants it and Fisher is more than willing to let him have it. As Crockers eats it, he tells Fisher that his balls are showing.
While sleeping in the hospital lobby room, Fisher receives a phone call from Marcia. Of course Mackenzie doesn’t answer and she walks to get a snack. Suddenly, a vending machine gets possessed and reveals a ball. Mackenzie opens the ball and gets a mini Horny the Clown head. There is also a message that says….
Who Are Of Course Potheads.
One of them is of course Chuck Taylor, who is the son of Charlie Taylor, Marcia’s ex-boyfriend. The 4:20 boys decide to hit the fun space….which is the playroom at HellaBurger. We then see these kids messing around in the ball pit.
Sadly, These Boys Are Nearly As Fun In The Ball Pit As Leonard Hofstadter & Sheldon Cooper
Meanwhile, the girl in the group decides to get some food from..
Why It’s Morgan Spurlock
He plays the manager named Robbie who is actually trying to hit on the girl in the 4:20 Boys. He of course also has a Horny the Clown doll with him. Of course, he notices the boys screwing up the Fun Space and tries to get them out. Of course he gets balls thrown in his face and goes to call the cops. Of course one of them decides to…
Piss On The Horny The Clown Face
One of the kids hears something and asks Chuck if he hears something. Chuck says that he heard nothing and that his buddy is Franken-stoned. The white kid agrees and suddenly the face asks if they are having fun. They then talk crap about the speaker asking where their food is and betting that he probably ate it. But of course……Horny says that they will get their food as soon as their mommas take his dick out of their mouth. They get insulted by this while not realizing that Horny has appeared.
Bazinga
And of course……Horny immediately dispatches with the white stoner.
Chuck immediately turns into a wuss and cradles into a corner as we get this dialogue.
Chuck: Don’t hurt me, man.
Horny: Hurt you? I’m not gonna hurt you. I’m just gonna bash your brains in. I’m gonna bash’em right the fuck in!
Jack Torrence Approves
Of course, Horny immediately kills Chuck.
After killing Chuck, he says “All work and no play makes Horny a dull boy”. Robbie goes to bring out the food (after taking a piss of course) when he hears a scream. It is that stoner bitch because the Fun Space is a bloody mess. Robbie sees this and faints….
While The Guy Dressed As Horny The Clown (Not The Killer) Does His Best Body Snatchers Impersonation
The news immediately comes on talking about the apparent murder in the HellaBurger restaurant. Marcia is watching this when Mackenzie comes in and grills her about the connections. Marcia finally admits to what she and her friends did years ago.
With Footage That Seemed To Be Shot With A 70s Camera
Marcia explains that she and her friends decided to play a trick on Archie Benjamin (the original Horny the Clown) on Archie’s 18th birthday.
The prank included a younger Marcia making Archie think that she actually accepted his invitation to his birthday. Meanwhile Charles scared him by having the mask on and a meat cleaver. Archie knocked over the table and knocked himself out as the gang left. What they didn’t realize was one of the lit candles caught fire to other stuff and the store burned down, killing Archie in the process. The police believed it was an accident and Jack (Archie’s dad) didn’t say anything.
Mackenzie immediately decides round up her friends. Marcia tries to stop her by saying she wants to head to the police station and confess the whole thing to get Mackenzie into witness protection. Mackenzie then disses her mother by saying it is her own life that is on the line and not Marcia’s. She even reveals since her 18th birthday is tomorrow, she believes she is next. Marcia believes Jack is doing it, but Mackenzie knows better and believes Archie has come back from the grave to get his revenge. She goes to Jack Benjamin’s house because they believe he might be the only person who can stop this.
At Jack’s house, Van brings a bunch of stuff that would be used for vampires and when they give him shit that they aren’t dealing with one, he tells them at least he came prepared. But Mackenzie came prepared too as she has….
Well…At Least When They Find You Dead, They Can Claim You Were Attempting To Rob Jack
Fisher asks the very good question of where she got that gun and she says it was from her dad when he was in the Army. Probably should have hid that gun in a safer place, right? When Fisher asks if she knows how to shoot this thing, Mackenzie says “How hard can it be?” Well, actually as we all know guns are pretty hard to use and that is why they have courses at the places where you get your gun license to tell you how to use those things. So yeah, it is more complicated than just pulling the trigger. The group then decides to split up with Mackenzie and Fisher going to talk to Jack while Van and Starfire go search in the garage. Of course immediately as soon as Mackenzie and Van leave, Starfire has the bright idea to have herself and Van split up with Van looking in the back yard and herself looking in the garage. At the police station, Chase and Crockers are able to get a warrant for Jack Benjamin. Chase then gets a call about Mackenzie being at the mansion by Marcia.
Back at the mansion, we see Jack sleeping on the couch when his TV comes on.
It’s………..Horny!!!!
Mackenzie and Fisher are easily able to break into Jack’s mansion through the unlocked back door. They then go down the stairs and are able to find Archie’s old room, which has still been well kept.
Pretty Sweet Room In My Eyes
They then see how he was able to possess certain objects…..because he had them in his own room. They then find an old wind-up Horny the Clown and wonder if it can talk to them. It proves to be a failure in the beginning, but then it talks without being wound up. They then hear a loud noise and maniacal laughter somewhere in the distance. Mackenzie then looks at her watch and says that because it is midnight, it is now her birthday so she has officially turned 18. The lights go out and we hear a girl’s scream off in the distance.
Van shows up in the garage and sees that Starfire has disappeared. Van easily finds the freezer and when he opens it up; he finds body parts, but he also finds…….
Starfire’s Dead Corpse
Van is freaked out by this discovery, but he will be even more freaked out because Horny decides to show up.
Horny: Relax…………..She’s Just Chillin’
Horny cuts open Van and we get this delayed reaction before Van splits in half.
Horny even has a pun for this occasion.
Horny: You’ve got a lot of guts, kid!
Back upstairs, Mackenzie and Fisher are about to go to another room, but Horny’s meat cleaver busts through the door. He even has this to say….
Horny: Little pigs, little pigs……let me come in!
As Horny chases the kids, Chase and Crockers show up. The kids think they have lost Horny in the office room, but Horny is sitting at the desk waiting. The kids get a small scare when the radio gets possessed and says “HellaBurger is HellaGood”. Then they get a real scare when Horny’s face shows up to repeat the line.
Horny immediately knocks out Mackenzie and gets into a fight with Fisher. Fisher is even able to take off the mask and he is freaked out by the burned face that he sees.
We are only able to see the back of the head, which is pretty sad………but Horny makes up with this line.
Horny: You eye-ballin’ me, boy???
Horny immediately makes Fisher’s eyes red and throws him through the window.
The cops come in, but both Horny and Mackenzie are gone. They do find the rest of the corpses, find that Fisher is unconscious, and Jack Benjamin, who tells them about his son.
Mackenzie wakes up at the restaurant bound and gagged. She then sees a birthday cake, but freaks out to see that all her dead bodies of Val, Tina (preppy bitch), Brandon (Moron Boy #1), & Chuck are around as well.
Horny is also there to taunt her about despite the fact that she is at a birthday party for dead people; it is more people than he had during his 18th birthday. When he undoes the gag from Mackenzie’s mouth, she screams. Horny then screams mockingly as well and says this line.
Horny: When you die alone, no one can hear you scream.
Mackenzie asks where Fisher is, and Horny says that he wasn’t invited. He then shows her a giant can of gasoline and says that it is a party game Marcia taught him as he pours the gasoline on her. He is about to light her on fire using one of the candles when Marcia comes in and attempts to fight Horny. Marcia tries to untie Mackenzie, but before she can finish…..Horny knocks her out. Mackenzie has one arm undone and takes a drink of alcohol she had nearby and holds it in her mouth. He is about to set Mackenzie on fire when she spits the alcohol along with the fire straight into Horny’s face.
This sets the clown on fire as he burns once again before Marcia and Mackenzie are able to escape.
This Is The Closest You Will Get To Seeing Horny’s Face
Mackenzie then has one line to say to Horny before he dies.
Mackenzie: Fast food kills, fucker.
We then move on to where the authorities are and Chase gives Mackenzie the good news that Fisher is still alive. But the bad news is all the bodies are accounted for except Horny’s. Crockers can’t believe the guy is still alive, but Chase tells him to take the mask to the station and get it printed. Meanwhile Fisher, red eyes and all, wakes up. Mackenzie gets to the hospital and she is taken to Fisher’s room, but he is no longer there and Mackenzie realizes that this nightmare is not over yet. Meanwhile, Crockers decides to make a stop at the HellaBurger to get some food. Crockers goes through the drive thru and we get the usual order, but we see Horny walking around in the background. Crockers senses that something is amiss, but he couldn’t hear the last question so he asks the radio to repeat that last line. The line is repeated by it is changed to something more sinister.
Horny: I said…………do you wanna die, fatass?
Immediately Horny gets on top of the car and kills Crockers as our movie ends.
As I said, several of these people are now pretty big because they are on the CW show Gossip Girl so the chances there will be a sequel with the surviving members of this film are very unlikely. The only person who is guaranteed to return (because a sequel is in post production) is Van De La Plante, who played Horny The Clown aka Archie Benjamin. The film according to IMDB is slated to be released in 2010, but as you all know………the likelihood of it being released this year is slim to none.
Like you guessed, this film may have very inspired me to continue to do Monster Crap because I had given up hope that I would find an awesomely bad film in the future. And since then, I have found films like Thankskilling, Copperhead, and others that are just the type of films I am looking for when I do Monster Crap. I honestly love this movie for how cheesy it is. It has a pretty good soundtrack (that one loud metal song excluded) and it isn’t one of those bloodless horror films that we are sadly plagued with this year like the Prom Night remake. The actors do a good job and honestly, I hope most of them don’t look down upon this film because in all honesty, there are worse films to be embarrassed for. When this sequel comes on, look for me to be one of the firsts to rent it and I will tell you my opinion then.
But I honestly have some vacation time to take and I will be heading to the Florida Keys for a week to spend time with my family (who will also be on vacation there). It is the spot my brother chose to go when he returns from Afghanistan and it is easily a place we can take my 2 year old nephew to have a good time. But when I come back, I will be hard at work on my next induction which will be posted in December and of course……..
It Will Be A Madman Christmas
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