Monster Crap Inductee: Leprechaun
There Is Only Crap At The End Of This Rainbow
1993
Well with the luck of the Irish, we get a crappy movie that can make sense to do around the St. Patrick’s Day holiday. And unlike Deadly Friend, this movie is awesomely bad. No crap endings that make no sense. No lead actor that does nothing big afterwards. This time, its Jennifer Aniston who gets the lead role in this movie and since her new movie The Bounty Hunter came out, it seems that we would be on really good timing with this induction.
Remember how we did inductions for hilariously bad ideas for stuff that would kill you. Well now we have another form of that in Leprechauns.
Not That Guy Who Hoards All The Lucky Charms Cereal
Yep….Those Guys
Now I think we all know the story of Leprechauns’ pot of gold being at the end of the rainbow and if you catch a leprechaun, you get the gold. What this movie tells us and what the story doesn’t tell us is what happens after you get the pot of gold. According to this film, if you steal a Leprechaun’s pot of gold….the wee little bastard is going to stalk and kill you so he can get it back.
Apparently, Leprechauns are as greedy about their pot of gold as someone like us would be. Now to be the Leprechaun in this film, the filmmakers decided to hire Warwick Davis…a midget actor who has had plenty of movies to his resume.
He Was The Lead Ewok, Wicket In The Return of The Jedi.
And He Was The Titular Character Of The Film “Willow” (He Met His Wife Samantha On The Set Of That Film When She Played An Extra)
A movie with Jennifer Aniston and Warwick Davis…..well with the title of Leprechaun, I could understand how this could be awesomely bad. It also had Mark Holton who had a big role as…
Francis Buxton From Pee Wee’s Big Adventure
But without further ado, let’s get to the film.
We begin this movie with….
Oh Trimark…..Monster Crap Loves You Like A Mother Could Love A Retarded Kid.
After that, we go to some lair that we are never made aware of where we meet our little Leprechaun. Oh isn’t he so cute…..
Look At Him……He Wouldn’t Harm A Fly
We are then made aware of his great pot of gold.
Wait…..those hands of our friend don’t look sanitary. Anyway, we get talk from our little green friend basically talking about anyone who steals his gold dies. Well, besides the hands…..I can’t see how our Irish midget could kill anyone. While this is going on of course, the opening credits begin and we transition to a car arriving to a house.
I Might Want To Change That To A Limo Arrives.
Anyway, while it is not completely the start of the movie…..we get the opening title rather quickly. The limo stops and we see a man come out of the car.
Apparently, We Do Have An Irish Version Of Arthur.
The drunk throws the bottle away as he enters the house. We then learn that is his house and he has come home to his wife. His wife is shocked by this new development. He reveals that he is now rich. He talks about how the two of them are going to leave this dump of a house. He then reveals that he was able to catch an unlucky leprechaun and he took his gold. She of course doesn’t believe his story….despite the fact that he showed her the gold. Mr. O’Grady (our lucky guy) is off to hide the gold while his wife decides to make some tea.
While making tea, Mrs. O’Grady hears a child’s voice. She wonders where ever this child’s voice could be. It is coming from the suitcase and when she opens it….our leprechaun shows up. The leprechaun says he wants his gold now and attacks the woman. He ends up….
Pushing Down The Stairs. Again With This Stair Crap?
Seriously, the “death by stairs” act has been a bit overdone. The leprechaun basically pities the fact that this has happened, but is more concerned that there is some damn tea brewing. Mr. O’Grady comes in looking for his wife and talks about how he hid the gold. Of course it isn’t his wife who comes out with tea.
No......It’s Our Lovable Murderer.
Wait……that face looks a bit ugly, but that could be the dark hiding the good features. I mean, leprechauns are butt ugly, are they? Anyway, the guy goes to get his gun and draws it at the leprechaun. But he also has another ace up his sleeve (besides the gun).
A Four Leaf Clover
This of course repulses our leprechaun. He then shoots the leprechaun, but the little bastard runs away.
His Name Is Hornswoggle!!!!
I’m not talking about that leprechaun in WWE.
That Guy Wastes My Time On Raw As It Is.
Anyway, this leprechaun runs away and taunts the old drunk. Mr. O’Grady follows the midget to the basement and basically finds him…..
Along With His Dead Wife
The leprechaun then decides to try his best puppetry in having his dead wife ask him to give the leprechaun back the gold. He shoots the leprechaun enough to knock him out. He then grabs the body and locks it into a box while leaving the four leaf clover on top of the box so he can’t escape. Of course, the four leaf clover is the only reason that old bastard is still alive because as soon as he attempts to burn the crate…..
The Leprechaun Is Able To Magically Give Him A Stroke.
The old man falls down and of course, our leprechaun can only wait in the crate.
Like I Really Need To Say Anything At This Point…..You Know The Joke By Now.
We are introduced to J.D. Reding and his teenage daughter, Tory.
Tory Being Played By The Lovely Jennifer Aniston.
Tory gives her father crap about the two of them living in North Dakota instead of Los Angeles. She looks at the new house and is very pissed that they have to live in what she deems a dump. She is mad that there is no swimming pool or no shopping mall…..just basically being a spoiled brat. Although she is pretty pissed about not having cable and I will be honest….that is not something I would like. They go into the cellar and yeah….this place is really a piece of crap.
Yeah……That Basement Would Be A Deal Breaker For Me.
But of course the father is a cheap bastard and basically mentions that if they do some small fixing, this place will look good as new. Look, I have dealt with places with unfinished basements, but in this day of marketing……if a place looks this bad, only a hobo would live in this house. The father says she is making too big a deal out of this.
He then talks about how he got a great deal on the house. He basically laughs off her ideas to live in a motel till he fixes the place up (even though she has no problem paying for the room). Hey….if you are such a cheapskate, you would accept that deal as it would be cheaper with her not around. I know this is supposed to make her seem like a stuck up bitch and him the everyman…..but I am pretty educated on these things and while they may make her seem like a bitch, she is kind of reasonable while this old man is completely stubborn. Of course, her reason disappears when she sees a spider.
She yells at her dad and basically tells him “Screw you, I am not living here”. Of course since this is the 90s she has one of those crappy wireless phones that look like walkie talkies. Of course that all changes when she bumps into the local “hot guy”.
She tries to pay the guy to cover the ruined jeans that the paint cover got on. Of course, this guy being a local guy…..money doesn’t cut it. He only wants her to tell him she is sorry. When she just hands him the money and says she is out of here because the house is gross. He basically treats her like a second class citizen and this somehow convinces her to stay instead of beat the hell out of the guy. He introduces himself as Nathan and for some reason; she is strangely attracted to the guy. We then meet Nathan’s two helpers….
Ozzie talks about seeing flying saucers while Alex doesn’t believe the moron. J.D. offers to help the guys, but they say he can’t. The kid says he can go for a beer now and Ozzie scolds him by saying he should never drink that stuff. Tory tries to offer the painters some drink, but she is startled by a piece of cloth falling on her and she drops the drinks. The glass breaking causes our dear old Irish fellow to wake up.
Nathan reveals that Mr. O’Grady used to own the place. He then of course wonders what is in the crate basically ignoring the story of Mr. O’Grady. You can’t just talk about the old guy and then leave it at that….especially when we know something happened to him. Okay….since this movie won’t do the simple courtesy of talking about this, I will do it instead.
Nathan: The O’Gradys kept a lot of junk.
Nathan: Yeah…..Dan O’Grady. He used to own this place. He’s really a weird, strange guy, you know.
Tory: Oh…..you mean weird and strange like guys who drive dented pickup trucks and paint houses for a living.
Now that is where this conversation on Mr. O’Grady ends and we end with a snide remark on Nathan. I am not satisfied with that so I have added a bit of extra dialogue.
Nathan: Heh……weird and strange as in he may have killed his wife.
Nathan: 10 years ago……Dan got rich and was seen hanging around in a limo. Man was a drunken fool, who somehow got lucky. That night coincidentally, his wife dies. From what I know, the police found Mr. O’Grady in the house, apparently suffering from a stroke. Ironic, isn’t it?
Tory: Yes it is. So do the cops know whatever happened to the money?
Nathan: No…….the drunk hid the money before his wife died. He isn’t able to tell anyone where the money is so it could be hidden anywhere.
Then they could go with the whole breaking open the crate idea, but no…..that dialogue was not added. Back to the actual movie, they are about to break open the crate when they hear Ozzie yell. We then see….
Alex teases Ozzie and the big load yells at the kid, telling him it’s his fault this happened. Ozzie goes to clean up as we transition back to the awakened leprechaun. Now I am resigned to the fact that this little jerk looks like a troll. Ozzie cleans up and hears a child’s voice in the basement. The voice says he is stuck in the crate. Ozzie wipes the four leaf clover off and….
We get a close-up on his face as he disgustingly eats a cricket and….
He makes some jokes about Ozzie’s weight and instead of killing the fat load, he asks if he has seen his gold and threatens to bite the guy’s ear off. Ozzie is able to escape because the leprechaun is weak from 10 years stuck in the box. He tries to warn everyone of a leprechaun and of course, no one believes him. Nathan goes to check and of course, doesn’t see anything. They of course hear some noise but of course it is a mouse and everyone makes fun of Ozzie and his stories. They leave the house to see….
Alex snidely mentions that it is only a rainbow, but Ozzie says it’s a magic rainbow and he goes to see the end of it. The kid follows so he can try to get Ozzie back in track. Ozzie and Alex then see that the end of the rainbow leads to an old truck. While looking at the truck, Ozzie gives us some “insightful” knowledge.
Ozzie: Don’t cut yourself on any of this old rusty metal. If you do, it will make your jaw lock shut.
Okay……normally I would have Steve Austin come in and ask, but he costs too much right now so I was able to purchase time with an orangutan so Mr. Orangutan, tell me what you think of this line.
Thank you, Mr. Orangutan. The kid and the buffoon end up finding the gold and of course for no other reason than to use a plot point later on, the moron accidentally swallows a coin. The buffoon tries to consider that the leprechaun wanted this gold, but the kid says “finders keepers”. The kid tells Ozzie that they have to hide the gold and not tell anyone about this while the kid has the coin checked on by a friend of his. They decide to hide the gold in the old well beside the house. We also get this dialogue.
Alex: We’re rich, you know what this means?
Alex: Yeah, but you know what else?
Ozzie: What else?
Alex: We can get you an operation?
Ozzie: For what?
Alex: To make you smart, see we can go to the hospital and have them operate and fix your brain!
Well back to the movie. Meanwhile, Nathan is trying to teach Tory how to paint. When Tory goes to the truck, we once again see our leprechaun…
He pets her leg and she thinks it is Nathan, but when it is clearly not, she jumps back and suffers a scratch. The dad thinks it might have been an animal touching her and she responds by saying she knows what an animal feels like and this was no animal. JJ believes it is still an animal and decides to look for it and make sure it doesn’t have rabies. They then hear a cat meowing and JJ thinks that is the animal that scratched her. He thinks the animal sounds hurt so he decides to stick his arm in the hole of a tree. Sticking your arm into an unchecked hole……probably not the smartest move, wouldn’t you think?
So of course…..he gets bitten
Of course, they decide to take JJ to the hospital while our little bastard is seen at the other side of the hole.
Just so you know, this is where we part ways with JJ and never see his ass again.
Our little green man decides to follow our characters in this movie…..
Using A Tricycle.
I’m sorry, but even more than a decade after originally seeing this movie, that scene still makes me laugh. While Nathan and Tory try to take JJ’s ass to the doctor, they tell Ozzie and Alex to go get a bite to eat. The two decide to instead go to Alex’s friend at the pawn shop. Of course, we see that our leprechaun is not far behind. The pawn shop owner decides to ask if he can keep it overnight to check its value because he does agree it has very huge value, but he doesn’t know how huge. They agree to let him check the coin and leave.
The pawn shop owner looks at a book on old coins, but he hears the sound of a tricycle. He checks things out, but when he sees nothing he goes back to what he was doing. He opens his safe and of course thanks to magic,
The leprechaun takes a big bite out of the pawn shop owner’s leg and wants his gold coin. The guy decides to give it up, but our old Irishman is not done yet.
He then leaves after doing a horrible job of shinning the man’s shoes. He then says one gold coin and 99 gold coins to go. Yep, he is one of those guys who get pissed if even one of his gold coins is missing. Like before, this will play out later on in this movie. He then sees his next vehicle of transportation.
At the local diner, Tory wonders when Ozzie and Alex are going to show up. Nathan says to not worry and reasons that they probably went and got Ozzie a comic book. Tory talks about her bad luck and Nathan says that at least the worst is over.
While our little leprechaun drives to somewhere else, he is pulled over by a police officer. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that not only did he carjack a stuffed raccoon and killed a pawn shop owner. He also stole the tricycle and pogo stick as well as kidnapped a stuffed teddy bear. But of course, those crimes aren’t a concern for our officer (whose name is Deputy Tripet) as we get this dialogue.
Leprechaun: No, I’m 600 years old.
He steals the man’s gun and throws it away. With a messed up face, Tripet runs into the woods. The leprechaun catches up with him and ups on his head. He has unusual strength as he is able to break the man’s neck.
Back at the diner, Nathan tries to get Tory to eat some meat (please no puns). We then reveal that Tory is a vegetarian. Nathan forcefully takes off one of her shoe and reveals that the leather in her sneakers is made of dead cow skin. Ozzie and Alex finally show up and when Tory asks where they have been, Ozzie says they were at that place. Alex then kicks Ozzie under the table and once again, we get a scene change to a scene that could have used more dialogue. So once again, I am forced to add some more dialogue.
*After kicking Ozzie under the table*
Ozzie: Yeah, that is where we were.
Nathan: So did you get anything….
Alex: No…..
Meanwhile the leprechaun is back in the house looking for his pot of gold. He rummages through some things and while he doesn’t find his gold, he does find…..
This makes our leprechaun happy so he eats some, he then spits it out when he finds the cereal tastes nasty. He continues rummaging through the kitchen and doesn’t find his gold. He does find a mirror and his own reflection scares him. He then looks back at the mirror and tries to make himself look more presentable. The leprechaun then finds all the shoes in the house and decides to shine all of them while he waits for the people to come home.
When Alex, Ozzie, Nathan, and Tory get home, they see that someone has made a mess of the house. Tory goes to leave while everyone theorizes what happened. She of course comes back in because it is too dark out there for her to walk back to town. Nathan then continues to be a chauvinist pig by having Tory sweep the floor and even jokingly asking her if she knows how to use one of these.
When everyone is finished, we get no mention of Nathan’s very old school way of treating women. Nathan and Tory hear a bell, but it is only Ozzie showing them what he found. Ozzie then asks Alex if he thinks they can kill a leprechaun. Of course, our kid says he can kill a leprechaun……with a gun. A bell rings and when Tory yells at him to stop with the bell, everyone looks strangely as the bell is not in Ozzie’s possession. In fact, it is right there on the table with no one using it. Nathan goes to check it out as it is apparently coming from the kitchen. Nathan then goes outside to see what is going on as we see that everyone is now in the kitchen. Outside, Nathan isn’t looking and trips over a barrel and has his leg land into a bear trap.
The leprechaun finds this hilarious and comes out from wherever he was hiding to mock Nathan. The leprechaun mocks him on being hurt and thinks about performing surgery.
Nathan still has some fight in him and is able to avoid the Leprechaun’s attempt to chop his leg off while using a flashlight to chase the leprechaun away. The other three come out to check on Nathan and the Leprechaun comes back to start biting Nathan’s leg. Tory tells Ozzie to call the police and of course this is a terrible idea as the police don’t believe Ozzie. Although the way Ozzie said it, I wouldn’t believe him either.
Ozzie: Help. Help. It’s happening. The attack is on. O’Grady Farm. Uh, send help. The leprechaun is attacking. Army, navy, guns, marines, and we’re gunna need some medicine.
Nathan tells Alex to get the shotgun, which he does. He hands it to Nathan, who shoots the leprechaun square in the chest. Nathan continues shooting at the leprechaun when he is finally freed from the bear trap. Ozzie tells them that he called the police and told them everything as Tory knows this is a bad idea because she knows the cops won’t believe it. Of course, we also realize that shotgun bullets will not kill this leprechaun.
In the house, the three tend to Nathan’s injury and when they try to get Nathan to the hospital, they realize they can’t even get to the damn vehicle because of our little green friend, who bit off some of the wires. The leprechaun traps them in the truck. He terrorizes them by breaking the window and biting at Ozzie’s ear. Tory responds by using the car and burning the leprechaun’s nose. This causes the leprechaun to go back to the barn and we start hearing that he is building something.
He then busts through the shack doors with a makeshift go car with rake being used as a battering ram.
The dismembered hand tries is able to function on its own and is able to get back to its owner. The leprechaun takes his hand and leaves to fix his current situation. Tory uses her portable to call the cops and tries to get some help. Of course she is cut off, but she is able to get the cops to know that there is some problem and they are going to send someone. But sadly, the guy they try to send is Tripet and of course, the leprechaun mimics his voice and is able to get the cops to not come.
Tory goes out with the shotgun and attempts to get the gold out of the well. She is able to do so with the leprechaun confronting her. She hands him the gold as he goes away, but not before kissing her. She runs off repulsed as the leprechaun is proud to have his gold back. She then assures everyone that this whole nightmare is over.
The leprechaun continues his attack by attacking the kid when he opens the fridge. Unfortunately, when everyone gets the leprechaun off the kid, they throw him to the over, which just so happens to be on. This of course,
There is a whole Scooby Doo type scene where they check the cabinets and he appears in different ones that they haven’t looked in yet. The leprechaun appears down the chimney and acts like Santa Claus. Nathan then shoots the leprechaun point blank, but of course….that does no good and he runs off. They start hearing rolling noises and of course, our green fellow returns….
In his dying breath, O’Grady reveals that to kill the leprechaun, you need a freshly used four leaf clover and it has to touch the leprechaun. His powers will weaken and then he can die. O’Grady finally dies and Tory drives back to the house. Once again the leprechaun follows…
Looks Like The Leprechaun Is Doing Hard Time Now
This is only a minor inconvenience as the as he continues to go after her. He even grabs the dead cop’s face and rips out his eye. He takes the eye and replaces his eye with the cop’s eye. What he doesn’t notice is the others are right there with the shotgun and our green friend gets shot again. They of course continue to look for the four leaf clover and like earlier, that is no easy task.
Meanwhile, Alex grabs the bear trap and has a plan of his own to catch the leprechaun. We then see from the boots that the leprechaun is near. Back at the patch, Tory wants to give up searching for the four leaf clover. Ozzie tells her that they will find it and that she just has to believe. Tory yells at Ozzie that she is sick of this magic and these fantasies. Ozzie keeps telling her that she needs to believe and Tory tries to prove a point that it doesn’t work, but she does end up finding a four leaf clover.
Everyone is happy that our green killer is dead as we end the movie.
Not Yet
Nathan grabs the shotgun and uses it to bat the little bastard into the well. Nathan then puts gasoline into the well and sets it on fire.
The next day, the authorities finally show up and everyone is happily ever after with the movie ending. Of course, we still hear the leprechaun’s voice and basically it says he will return.
Now we have Jennifer Aniston. She is actually very embarrassed by this movie and while I always say that you should never be embarrassed by your first movie role. I would admit that it can be one that she would like to take back because one year later, she would be cast as Rachel on Friends. She has not had problems getting movie roles since and actually, her problems go in her love life because every boyfriend or husband she has had, they have left her for someone else.
Now my opinion of this movie is that while I like it and get some laughs, I really do understand why people would hate this movie. The acting is pretty bad and the script is rather lazy. However, Warwick Davis has a charm as the leprechaun that I don’t think anyone else can reproduce. He seems very confident and I appreciate him giving it all he has for even a role that is honestly completely beneath him. The problems with the series would come in the other movies because as I said, the stories act as if the others did not exist. The only one that has any continuity to another is the last one Leprechaun: Back 2 The Hood, which is a continuation of Leprechaun In The Hood. However, Leprechaun: Back 2 The Hood is completely boring and doesn’t have any of the awesomely bad moments that Leprechaun In The Hood had.
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