Monster Crap Inductee: Epic Movie (2007)

Monster Crap Inductee: Epic Movie
2007 GINO Award Winner

2007

Well, folks……wasn’t 2007 such a disappointing year? We have had a lot of threequels, a lot of remakes, and a lot of bad movies overall. In fact, you can mark this day as a day where I stopped going to the movie theater. I mean, I have only seen two movies in 2007 with Spider-man 3 and The Mist. Oh and let me say that both movies disappointed me. But since the beginning of this year, I have decided to highlight the worst movies involving monsters in 2007. And what would be a greater name for this award than the one monster that reminds us all of what a bad movie is in the GINO (Godzilla In Name Only) Award. However, I had almost decided not to do the award because of technological disadvantages. But earlier this year, I was able to get those computer upgrades and thanks to a certain movie that I will name when it finally gets inducted, I decided to go with said award.

Unfortunately, as I have kind of hinted, the movie I was pulling for did not win the award. That would go to the movie we are inducting now into the bathroom known as Monster Crap. The movie that won, by two votes no less, was Epic Movie. And oh boy, did you people choose a doozy of a film that I have to watch. Now while I would normally laugh at this film, I really can’t because despite its best intentions, I didn’t find one bit of this movie funny. Now for some history.

1996………….I’m sure you all thought I was going to mention Scary Movie, but Scary Movie was actually a parody of a parody of the horror genre. The original parody would be done by one Wes Craven in his movie, Scream. Now while the movie was scary, it made fun of all the past horror movies and made fun of the certain rules that exist in a horror movie. Needless to say…..Scream was a huge hit.

2000…..4 years after Scream, the Wayans Brother decided to go on full on parody with the scary movie genre by doing Scary Movie. How successful was this film? At the time the box office numbers came in, it had become the best selling R-rated movie.

But the genre would not end as in 2006, some of the people who did Scary Movie 3, but also did Not Another Teen Movie, decided to continue this genre by doing Date Movie. Despite the star of this film being one very funny & cute Alyson Hannigan and doing well for one week, this movie was in the end a piece of dung.

Now while this should have stopped the genre dead, it didn’t as the movie we are reviewing, Epic Movie, came out in 2007. This film, as you can tell was, is a parody of all the great epic movies of our time. Now what all parodies are supposed to have (which is humor), this film had none. Now I have had enough with an intro this long and let’s see why this film won the 2007 GINO Award winner. May God Rest Our Souls.

We begin this movie with a narration from Roscoe Lee Browne. Now before I continue, let me say that sadly, this would be Mr. Browne’s last role as he died of cancer a few months later after doing this film. Anyway, the narrator tells us…..why should I mention it when you can read it on the screen?

Then we go to the title screen and after that, we go to the first of the orphans, who was raised by a museum creator. Now looking at this female character, you kind of had the opinion that they meant for Alyson Hannigan to star in this movie as well. Well, let’s just say she had better things to do (like be one of the stars in the comedy sitcom “How I Met Your Mother, which is a good show).

Anyway, the woman playing this redhead is instead Jayma Mays, who besides the really bad first name is a very young actress who hasn’t done much in the film industry. The character’s name is Lucy and she is running around looking at paintings. She finds the person who raised her….murdered. We see a pentagram carved into his skin as well as the word “Thug Life”.

Now if this guy looks familiar, he should because it’s David Carridine, who was Bill in the Kill Bill movies. If you don’t remember that, you can know that he is the guy who pimps up YellowBook.com.

Lucy doesn’t want the curator to die as he tells her that she is standing on his hand. How many times have we seen that joke before? She sees the way the museum curator sets himself up and sees that it is a code. Well, that is unfortunate for her since has never seen the Da Vinci Code film nor read the book on tape.

Of course, she is worried because she sees the albino monk Silas, obviously a black guy powdered in white.

Well…the museum curator, seeing that she can’t figure it out for himself, he starts doing a dance that turns his body into letters as Silas comes walking with different objects instead of the whip like nunchucks. Oh this should be seen to be believed. Anyway, Lucy finally figures out that he is spelling Da Vinci. So she walks off while the museum curator goes back to being dead. She goes up to the Mona Lisa and using a special light, reads “So Lame, the hair of Tom”. Now what do you think that clue is going to lead to?

If you guessed it is a picture of Mr. Tom Hanks from the Da Vinci Code movie, you should consider yourself lucky to be not dumb. She then goes on and says lame is a seven letter word so seven must be the code. No offense, but any genius who can count could tell you that the word “lame” is a four letter word. Not only does this dummy not know literary classics, but she also can’t spell or count. She then goes to candy vending machine and types in seven to grab a Willy chocolate bar. She unwraps it and finds out that there is a golden ticket in the candy bar. So obviously she found the right clue. Okay, it has been less than 4 minutes into this movie and we already found a retarded plot hole.

Lucy then proceeds to accidentally breaks the heel of one of her shoes just when Silas is about to jump on her. She ducks to pick up the shoe heel and he goes right into the candy machine.

We then go to the next orphan, Edward.

Hey….its Kumar from the White Castle film. Boy does he look like he wants to do anything but this movie. Anyway, some monk who is supposed to be a rip-off of Nacho Libre comes to Edward and says he made his dinner especially for him.

The food in question is a cat that was just ran over by a car. He puts the food aside, which pisses the monk off to where he takes off his robe to reveal tights. He then screams “Nachooooooooooo (he does this “o” sound for a while)………..Cheese-flavored Doritos are delicious”. What, did you expect him to say Nacho Libre? No, you silly…..this is supposed to be a parody and where would that fit in?

He then crumbles up the Doritos and sneezes them into Edward’s face. This pisses Edward off, who says he is going to be a Lucha Libre wrestler. This does not make the monk happy so he asks Edward if he thinks that he is better than the other orphans, to which Edward says “Yes”. Furious, the monk calls for one of the kids in a cape to teach Edward a lesson in humility. Edward thinks this is a joke that he is facing a child, but the child proceeds to put on a Lucha Libre mask and kick Edward’s ass. While he is being slid on the table, he steals a golden ticket from another monk before he is thrown out of the window.

We then transition to a plane ride where the third orphan, Susan, about to meet her new adoptive parents, and they hint through a magazine cover that it’s going to be Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Unfortunately, the plane she is on is overrun with snakes. Oh yeah, before we get to what happens next, they must mention that Susan has very hairy legs for one scene. Everyone screams and then cue a Samuel L. Jackson look-alike to say the line from Snakes On A Plane that has been heard all over the place so I’m not going to repeat it.

He keeps saying the line to which Susan gets annoyed of. Susan tells the look-alike of her problems with his repeating of the line and he then throws her out of the plane to her death. But Susan is able to survive by landing on and killing a Paris Hilton look-alike. You know, I don’t know about you, but I think that fall and the way she landed would have killed both her and that look-alike and not just the look-alike. She finds a Willy chocolate bar with a golden ticket in the look-alike’s purse and we proceed to the final orphan.

The final orphan is a mutant named Peter and as you can tell, he was also the guy from Date Movie. Peter it seems has a crush on the mutant Mystique, played by Carmen Electra.

Now look back at the cover and see that the Carmen Electra on the cover is not the same as the movie. Oh yeah, and for those MTV freaks out there, the girl next to her is Lauren Conrad from Laguna Beach. Anyway, Peter imagines Mystique dancing for him when instead she is ignoring him and talking to Lauren. Peter gets the balls to just go up and ask Mystique to the Homecoming Dance. Now there are going to be two problems here. One is she is utterly repulsed by Peter and two is that she already has a boyfriend in Wolverine, who shows up with his clique featuring Cyclops, Storm, and Rouge.

Wolverine seems to be pissed and shoves Edward into the locker. As they leave, Peter gets pissed and calls Wolverine an asshole behind his back. Unfortunately, the mutants hear him as they turn around and it looks like a fight is about to break out. Wolverine then shows his claws and gives Peter the finger with one of his claws. Now, I don’t know about you, but the real Wolverine did that move a lot better than this poser. Peter proceeds to rip off his shirt and as he turns around, we see his mutant powers. He has chicken wings and he clucks like a chicken. Well, the other mutants laugh at him as Magneto shows up.

He breaks up the impending fight and yet, he still calls Peter a p***y. Peter goes to leave as Magneto uses his powers to slam open a locker door in Peter’s face as everyone laughs at his humiliation. Inside the locker is a Willy bar that has a golden ticket, which falls on Edward. Edward sees and smiles as he joins the other three orphans who are at a warehouse building. The doors open and out comes a Willy Wonka look-alike who is just Willy.

Now if Willy looks familiar, that’s because it is Crispin Glover from Back to the Future, Charlie’s Angels, and the Willard remake. Willy welcomes them to his factory. We then see a brown river which Edward presumes is chocolate, only for Willy to tell him that what he is eating is part of the sewer line. Edward realizes what he is eating crap, but not before he takes a bite out of a turd. Will Wonka also reveals the secret ingredient to his candy is human parts. Uh Oh.

Uh-Oh

Right…..Susan St. James. Anyway, the orphans try to escape, but Willy closes the door to the exit. Susan wants Willy to let them out and Lucy says the same thing as Susan. Know about this now, because this is going to be a trait for Lucy throughout the film and it gets just about as funny as when a little kid repeated everything you said which is not funny at all. They do the joke again with another phrase just in case it didn’t kick in that this is a trait. Of course, Willy won’t let them leave because as he says, “You’re Mine Now”. The Oompa Loompas come out and grab the four orphans.

Edward is sent to a nut cracker machine where they take a hammer and slam it into Edward’s nuts. Get it? Nut Cracker? Yeah, it’s real bad. We then see two nuts go into the chocolate bars. Yes, folks….when you eat those crunchy nut bars…..try having that image in your mind? They set Lucy on an operating table as they rip her heart out. Willy then throws it into a Valentines Day heart Box. Sorry, but the slasher film My Bloody Valentine already used that. Willy then goes to Peter, who is on a dentist’s chair and pulls out a tooth, which they put into a box of caramel popcorn which has a surprise inside. Susan is the last to get her bad luck as Willy kicks her head off and her head becomes part of a Sour Yellow Head, which is supposed to be a gumball. Of course, don’t worry; the orphans are able to regenerate lost parts so we see they are fine. They are then branded by Willy as the scene ends there. To be truthful, the only thing that is gold about this whole segment is Crispin Glover’s Willy character dancing like he is enjoying this. On second thought, with him getting paid to take body parts and dance, I’m sure Crispin Glover was definitely enjoying this.

We then go to the cell as the children look at their Willy brands that hurt. The orphans then start a fight and as the fight ends, Lucy hits Edward in the head with a lamp because she didn’t realize the fight was over. We get more of the copycat trait of Lucy. We then hear Willy screaming as he is looking for them to chew his gumballs. You know, when you locked them in a room, you should at least know which room. The orphans decide that they need to hide and while most of them just hide in stupid easy to find places. Lucy spins around in circles for no reason and goes into another room where she sees a wardrobe. She opens the wardrobe and a bunch of stuff falls on her. A woman in the full nude comes out of the wardrobe. Of course it is some playmate from Playboy in the nude and I only know this because looked it up on IMDB as I am not a subscriber to the magazine.

Anyway, Lucy enters the wardrobe, nearly suffocates on a hanging plastic sheet because she is an idiot, and is brought to a mystical world. Oh, and of course a few tree branches whack her on the way in. In this mystical world, she sees the ground covered with snow, to which she is amazed by. She then sees a lantern and being the idiot she is, decides to stick her tongue on the hole. To her surprise and no one else’s, her tongue is stuck. While attempting to get it free, she tries to cut it off with a knife. Of course the knife is no good. Look, the only way a knife doesn’t work is it has to be fake. I don’t care how dull the knife is; it would cut off your tongue with enough effort. She then grabs an axe and is about to chop her tongue off, but she is pulled off the pole by someone. She looks back and sees that her tongue is still stuck to the pole. Surprisingly, she can still talk, but of course, it must be that amazing regeneration of lost limbs they have. We find out that the person who freed her is a faun who whenever there is a “ba” sound…goes Baaaaa. The faun sniffs her as she wonders where she is. The faun tells her that she is in the world of Gnarnia. Get it? Gnarnia? Like Gnat or Gnarly? Of course they also call themselves the Non-Sunshine State, which is definitely the diss at Florida. Oh, I’m sure Florida shaking in their boots at your diss.

Anyway, back to the story, the faun introduces himself as Mr. Tumnus and Lucy introduces herself as Lucy. When asking Mr. Tumnus what he is, he says that he is a faun which is half man, half goat. And says that yes, his dad screwed a goat.

When she says that both of her parents are human, he is disgusted. Wow….yes folks….Gnarnia is a bestiality paradise. When he finds out that with both of her parents being human, she is a daughter of Eve, he butts her like a goat and introduces her to his crib. Oh, and we get an entire Cribs rip-off segment, which is completely unnecessary, so I will completely skip it other than mentioning that he isn’t the only one whose dad screwed a goat as we see lots of fauns and a P. Diddy look-alike faun. Also, they are watching the faun version of Scarface. When Lucy tries to leave, Mr. Tumnus doesn’t think she should. She goes to give him a tissue to remember him by, and she blows her nose on it, she still gives it to him. Mr. Tumnus tells her she is in danger and kicks her out of his house, but not before giving her a camera looking device.

She looks into the camera device and it scans her eye, which gives us a Mission Impossible-like version of what is going on in Gnarnia. Apparently, there is an evil woman called the White Bitch who rules Gnarnia. Hey, that is what they call her. She wants every human who is seen to be turned in. Know that part well because, it comes back later to bite this movie in the ass. They make fun of her as if she was George W. Bush and to drive in that point, they have a Kanye West look-alike saying that the White Bitch doesn’t care about black people. We then find out that a small resistance is around. Lucy is told to go now before the White Bitch catches her. You know what; I really need to stop calling her that before this become really explicit. Now I’m just going to call her the White Bob Saget.

I Guess Bob Saget Does Not Approve Of This, But Who Cares

To illustrate the point that this is a Mission Impossible rip-off, the device will blow up in one second. She doesn’t get it and it blows up in her face, surprisingly not killing her.

Back in the world not known as Gnarnia, Edward is still trying to find a hiding place from Willy. He goes into the wardrobe and receives the exact same treatment from the trees as Lucy did. He enters the world of Gnarnia and then is almost run over by a sled driven by a midget. The sled turns around and stops by Edward. Out of the sled, we are finally introduced to the White Bob Saget, who has trouble getting out of the sled.

Edward seems enchanted to her and if you needs hints as to who she is, Edward calls her a MILF (uncut version) and Stiffler’s Mom (normal version). While being amazed by her, the midget tells him to kneel before the queen and hits him with a punches him in the groin. She calls him a son of Adam and while he introduces himself, he spills the beans that there is Lucy, Peter, and Susan. The midget tries to talk about the prophecy and the White Bob Saget just zaps him.

The White Bob Saget then asks if he is parched to which Edward says yes. Then, using her staff, she creates a 40 ounce liquor bottle. Edward drinks it as the White Bob Saget offers him a chance to be the king to her queen. The midget falls from the sky and says that he can’t be king, so he gets zapped again. Edward likes the offer as she sucks his finger (turning it huge), but what he needs to do is tell her where Lucy, Peter, and Susan are. He is wondering if she needs Peter to be king as well, but she only says that kings do need subjects to boss around. The midget falls again and as he tries to talk to the White Bob Saget again, he gets zapped for a third time. She then shows him her White Castle which just so happens to be a White Castle restaurant. Of course, Edward feels like he has been there before…..irony. She then repeats her offer and leaves with the midget and the sled.

As Edward walks in the forest, he meets Lucy as Peter and Susan arrive. Peter then spells his name with his urine. As Lucy tries to get them to escape Gnarnia, Peter then pees a sudoku game. Meanwhile, no one believes Lucy, so she goes back to Mr. Tumnus’ house. During another argument, Peter pees a picture of Nicole Ritchie. The picture of Nicole Ritchie is a stick figure. Two things, one is who hasn’t heard of the Nicole Ritchie is a stick figure and two is, boy can Peter pee like a race horse.

When they go to Mr. Thomas’ house, they see it ransacked. Suddenly, a beaver appears and says that he knows what happened to Mr. Tumnus. Of course, the first reaction for Lucy is to kick the beaver through the window.

The beaver comes back in and introduces himself as Harry Beaver (pun completely intended of course). He reveals that Mr. Tumnus is his gay life partner. Great, we don’t just get bestiality, but gay goat-man on beaver love. He then reveals that Mr. Tumnus was taken by the White Bob Saget. When Lucy asks if there is anything they can do to help, Harry says that they need to go meet Aslo, who is the true king of Gnarnia. He explains that the prophecy is that the four orphans will join Aslo and the resistance to overthrow the White Bob Saget. He says they are all heroes, especially Peter. This brings Peter a memory of him being Superman and him getting shot in the eye.

Harry says that all four of them were meant to be heroes and shows them a clue. It is basically the Last Supper painting with the four of them photo shopped on it.

Edward of course leaves to help the White Bob Saget, but the rest of them look at the painting. Susan uses her special light to see something written on the painting. That something is telling her to look at the table and calls her a fire crotch. Lucy then sees the cryptex and deciphers it. Of course, being that this is a parody, the code is this.

Inside the cryptex is a piece of paper that is their birth certificates. Of course, we find out their real last names are Pervertski. Lucy still doesn’t get it so the painting talks and tells them that they are all related. Harry then says that they are quadruplets, which is of course genetically impossible. Harry also reveals that their parents were killed by the White Bob Saget. They then finally find out that Edward is missing.

But it is too late as Edward has already gone to the White Bob Saget. Of course, first, he gets his kneecaps hit with a metal baseball bat by the midget. She asks where the others are and Edward thinks they had something special and that he got a tattoo of her. Of course, he only accidentally got a tattoo of 50 Cent. She asks then where the rest of his family is and Edward responds by saying they are not his family. Bad news for him to find out that they are his family with an even worse photo shopped picture.

She asks again and he says that he will refuse to turn in his family. She then flashes him and he tells the White Bob Saget that they are at Mr. Tumnus’ house.

Unfortunately, a cruel joke has been played on Edward as the White Bob Saget laughs and we find out that Edward just got Punked by Ashton Kutcher look-alike. The fake Kutcher then proceeds to get punched out by Edward. The White Bob Saget calls for Silas and we see Silas arrive still whacking his back. The White Bob Saget tells Silas that the other three kids are at Mr. Tumnus’ house, but first she must smack his ass.

Edward doesn’t like this, but it doesn’t matter as the midget arrests him.

Back in the woods, the other three orphans and Harry Beaver are searching for Edward. They then run into Mr. Tumnus, who has just escaped from the White Bob Saget’s prison. Mr. Tumnus and Harry Beaver then go into a bestiality lip lock, which disgusts even the orphans, except for Peter (who is definitely a sicko).

Did You Say "Sicko"?

Get the hell out of my review, Michael Moore. Mr. Tumnus points to an all new White Castle that isn’t the same as the restaurant and says that Edward has been taken prisoner. Lucy wants to rescue Edward, and is slapped afterwards by Mr. Tumnus, basically telling them that they are not ready yet and they would die immediately at this point. Harry Beaver then gets a message from his cell phone that the White Bob Saget has completed her weapon of mass destruction and will launch it within 24 hours. Peter freaks out and gets a slap from Susan as Mr. Tumnus tells the orphans that Aslo is the only one who can help them now. Susan wants to go there immediately and Lucy just slaps Peter for no reason other than she is a dummy. But before they can do anything, the orphans must train.

Suddenly, here comes Silas who is screaming like mad as he runs at them. Mr. Tumnus tells the three remaining orphans to leave now and he will hold off the assassin as much as possible. Mr. Tumnus prepares for his fight with Silas, but Silas just grabs a gun and shoots Mr. Tumnus instead.

That joke actually made me laugh for a second and if it had ended there, it would have been hilarious. But this wouldn’t be the GINO Award Winner if it had so then we get Silas continuing to shoot, Mr. Tumnus asking for help, Lucy and Susan wondering if they can go back, and Peter wanting to continue running away. Of course, we see Edward’s chicken wings again and clucks like a chicken before he runs away. The other two follow Edward as Mr. Tumnus continues getting shot. Silas then says the most overused line of “I’m Rick James, bitch” before finally killing Mr. Tumnus.

They then see a school and of course we find an adult Harry Potter, Hermione, and Ron.

It is of course a joke on the puberty that has been noticed in some of the later Harry Potter movies, but it is done in a horrible way. Also, it seems that Hermione is pregnant with Harry’s kid (which if you had read the damn books…including the final one….that does not happen). Susan does make fun of them as she thinks they are too old to still be in school. Harry says that he will train them and they do a joke where Harry tries to grab the invisibility cloak, grabs the wrong one, and looks like a complete perverted moron. A training montage begins where the kids train and accidentally kill most of the school and give Hermione a Herpes cold sore. We also see that no one should call Peter a chicken or he gets angry. Harry tells the orphans that they are ready to meet Aslo.

Back at the White Bob Saget’s castle, the white one has the weapon of mass destruction crystal and reveals her plan to start a series of earthquakes in Gnarnia and create a continent that only she and her followers will live in. Of course, the midget states that her idea is basically the plot of Superman Returns. She sighs and says that it is pretty much the same thing. Suddenly, she gets a message on her computer (which features her Myspace page and such pals as Saddam Hussein, Paris Hilton, May Kate and Ashley Olson, Oprah, Britney Spears, K-Fed, Denise Richards and Rosie O’Donnell as well as music from Fall Out Boy) from Silas that the kids have escaped. After she has problems reading the word “escaped”, the White Bob Saget gets very angry. The midget mouths off and the computer is thrown at him. Boy does that midget not mind getting beat up.

In the prison, Edward wants out and is met by a Captain Jack Swallows who says he has a plan to get them out of this dungeon.

Edward initially calls him Captain Morgan and says that he loves his run, but Jack corrects him and introduces himself, much to Edwards’ snicker. When Edward wants to know how they escape, Jack stabs him and calls for the guards. Of course, when the guards enter, Jack swings Edward at them as you can clearly see Edward is a mannequin and they two escape.

Meanwhile, the other three orphans head to Aslo’s Camp, where we also see which way is to Gotham City and which way is to Laguna Beach.
At a ship, Edward and Jack get on where we see a needlessly placed music video with a Flava Flav look-alike as one of the pirates

Jack then asks where they should go and Edward tells him that the other three are heading to Aslo’s camp. Unfortunately, we find out it was a set-up as the White Bob Saget shows up and gives Jack his bag of money. Before Edward can realize he had just been played, he gets a tazer from the behind by the midget. When Edward asks why, Captain Jack apologizes and tells him that this isn’t even a working pirate ship. When Jack says it was nice doing business with the White Bob Saget, she stabs him. Jack swears that he will get the White Bob Saget for this betrayal and does Jack Sparrow’s famous hand gestures before falling to his death. Don’t worry, he will come back later.

The midget taunts Edward and says that he will roast his nuts. The White Bob Saget declares that there will be a war and shows off her weapon of mass destruction crystal. He tells her that his family will stop her and as the white one continues to taunt him. Edward swats the weapon of mass destruction into the ocean. An underwater earthquake is caused and Edward shows his distain for the Superman plot she is using.

Meanwhile, the other three finally reach Aslo’s camp, where they are greeted by several rebels, including James Bond and two of his girls, members of the Ricky Bobby racing team, a wookie, and Borat. To save your eyes from the disgusting site of this fake Borat, I will not be showing said scene. The three then head to Aslo’s camp and meet Aslo, who is not who they thought he was.

It's Fred Willard....We're Screwed.

Aslo says he is a Li-Man, and says that his mother had sex with a lion, but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Um…..I don’t think Las Vegas is in Gnarnia. Aslo, reluctantly, agrees to help them (what?) if they do something for him. That one thing is all three of the orphans (including the guy) must have an orgy with Aslo….much to Edward’s chagrin.

Back in prison, Edward is speaking with a fake Mel Gibson, who was imprisoned for a DUI. Mel even calls Edward sugar tits and gets a kick to the groin for his trouble. After that, Edward is in his cell alone and hears Aslo, scaring the guards. Enter Silas and a fight scene commences between the two, but before anything happens Aslo mentions that he just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance. During this fight scene, I might add, you can clearly see the fighting double for Aslo and I think you can tell which is which. Aslo wins with a punch to the groin and breaks Silas neck. Aslo is joined by the other three orphans as they free Edward. The kids leave as Aslo admires his work. Unfortunately, the White Bob Saget is behind him and when Aslo turns around, she kills him. Unlike other times, Aslo and Silas will not return in this movie.

The orphans get back to camp to see everyone sad and they find out about Aslo’s death at the hands of the White Bob Saget.

Via The Gnarnia Inquirer

Of course the beaver gives them the bad news and he gets kicked again because he is a talking beaver. More bad news surfaces when we find out the White Bob Saget plans on launching her crystal WMD. Remember this because you will never hear about the WMD again. After everyone in the camp decides to fight for the four orphans, the mutants who taunted Peter come in to stand by them as well. Of course, metal hits Magneto in the head. Peter makes a speech where they will fight tomorrow, but tonight they will party.

Then a faun rock group plays as Mystique finally decides to screw Peter. While in bed, Mystique reveals that she can change shape to whatever Peter wants, Peter seems normal when he asks for bigger boobs and a ghetto booty. Then he gets sick when he asks her to have a unibrow and turn fat. Oh, this scene is so gross, it doesn’t need anymore info. Elsewhere, the other three get drunk and pukes on several of the resistance members. This seems also gross so I will end this party scene there.

It is mourning now as the four orphans show up and there is just one major problem with their army.

There Is None.

While they start placing blame on Susan for puking on everyone, the White Bob Saget’s hordes are all there. Remember when I said that the White Bob Saget she wanted to arrest all humans, well….her entire army is all completely human. We get Peter turning into a chicken and running away. Peter stops, rips off his wings, and rejoins the group. The four orphans charge are about to the whole crew, but Jack Swallows comes back riding a giant wheel and is about to head towards the evil screw. But, the White Bob Saget grows an octopus head and says that Jack owes her his soul before grabbing a piano and disc scratcher and begins a rap while everyone of the enemies dance. She takes the octopus off her head and throws it at Captain Swallows, which distracts him enough to where he misses the entire army. The four orphans, seeing Jack’s failure, decide to continue charging and…..how much you want to get their ass kicked in the beginning, find some stupid way to get an advantage, and win in the end in a stupid way.

Yep, we get that as three of the four are killed immediately. Peter is almost to join them when he finds an inadvertently placed universal remote where he presses pause on all the bad guys. He then uses a heal button to bring back all his dead friends. They all come back to life and kill the entire still not moving enemy until the White Bob Saget is left alone. Of course, we can see some of them moving a little bit which completely destroys any integrity this scene had. There is an earthquake caused by the crystal, but Edward uses the remote’s TiVo feature to erase the evil plot. The day is won and the four originally want to keep the White Bob Saget alive and put her on trial, but Jack Swallows comes back and runs her over with his giant wheel. Oh well.

At the celebration, the beaver salutes the four as King Peter The Heroic, Queen Susan The Just, King Edward The Loyal, and Queen Lucy The Dumbshit. Everyone celebrates, Mr. Tumnus returns, he and Harry Beaver make out and that should be the end, right?

Wrong, as we see the four as very old and going back to the forest. They pee in the snow and see that the snow they are urinating on is a fur coat from the wardrobe. They decide to go back into their own world and Lucy takes the urine-filled coat with her. They enter the real world to meet Borat and get run over by Jack Swallows and his giant wheel. The movie ends, but not before we get to see Borat’s butt to scar us.

Now, I’m sure you want me to ask why this movie is doing this or that, but I am not going to do that as there is too many problems with this film and the simple fact I watched through this entire film while reviewing it is enough to give me a headache. Yes, I am sure defenders will tell me that most parodies aren’t supposed to make sense and I very much disagree with them. The best parodies among parodies are films that are clever in their humor and have a consistent storyline which is not overflooded with useless plot jokes. Also, the humor in this movie is either pathetic attempts, gross, or good attempts that are overdone to death. This movie is beyond horrible to the point where I may as well state that this movie is on the same level with Monster A Go Go. Yes, I said it; this film is just as bad. The only thing this film does that Monster A Go Go doesn’t is bore you, but it sure makes up for that with its crap. I can safely say that this film deserves the GINO Award.

Unfortunately, there will be a sequel to this film called Meet the Spartans (it was going to be called Epic Movie 2, but wasn’t because they didn’t want us to know this was a sequel to that film). Also, they plan on doing another parody movie called Extreme Movie. Also, as I review this movie, I know the same guys have already made a parody of sports movies called The Comebacks. What else can I do? Barney?

Suit Up!!

Good advice.