Seth's Odyssey #3: Fright Night Film Festival 2011

Well, it is time to talk about my trip to the Fright Night Film Festival that happened last weekend. It was 12 hours from where I live and let's just say, it wasn't enough for me to go back again.

We first talk about the hotel because that is where all my problems were at. As you all know, I travel with my parents and we booked two adjoining rooms with king sized beds for both. Unfortunately the hotel overbooked and all they had were two rooms with two doubles each. Oh and they weren't adjoining either. There was no internet in the room and I had to actually go use my parents modem to actually get something. The hallways, which housed half of the convention as well as a closed pool, were like a sauna and they were extremely hot. Everything was so scattered and crap, that I had a hard time finding the rooms where they were showing movies. There were barely any schedules available and no program which would have made things better. The only schedule you get is online, which is impossible since there really is no internet connection. So yeah, I would like to give a big FUCK YOU to the Fern Valley Hotel & Conference Center.

But let's get to everything else which was actually fun.

While going to get my first autographs, I met former WWE/ECW/TNA superstar Al Snow, who was there promoting his newest movie called Overtime. If you followed me on Twitter, you would know that I met Al several times and everytime he called me Grizzly. I actually wish I had actually seen his movie, but I ended up going to dinner that night with my parents at Tumbleweeds.

Before entering the main area of the convention, I saw this car with monsters in it and a wagon in the back with skeletons.

The first autograph I got oddly enough was the autograph I came to this convention to get, which is that of one of my favorite directors and the director of my favorite film of all time (The Thing) in John Carpenter.

While in line, I met the Creepy Kentuckian (from Deadpit Radio) as well as several other members of the Deadpit Radio fanbase, who all thought the same thing in getting the John Carpenter autograph very early. I told John that The Thing was my favorite film of all time and he appreciated that I had so much love for that film. I was also lucky enough that they actually allowed me to get a photo of John as he signed the picture that I had chosen.

Getting back to the hotel, I also bought a Predator mask for nearly 60 bucks. Guess what I will be wearing for the trick or treaters this Halloween. Normally I would not spend 60 bucks on masks, but this is two masks and it just spoke to me.

When I headed out after recharging my inner batteries at the hotel room (I did that a lot), I saw these two before going back inside and as you know, I always take pictures of people in costume so I took a picture of these two.

I also saw this guy and could not resist getting a picture of him. I would like to say that this guy's mask looks like a zombie pirate who was on some strong drugs. Either that or he is WWE's The Undertaker 50 years from now.

As I headed towards the vendor area, I saw these three mannequins and I took pictures of them. The last two are part of a display that promotes a haunted house attraction that is being opened a few miles from the convention. I did not go to the haunted house as I think I had no desire to do those again at that time.

The horror hosts from the Horror Dungeon (which is in Indianapolis) had some awesome costumes and I was so mesmerized by that laser gun that they had. Too bad I live in an area of Virginia where we have no horror hosts because I would so be down with watching a horror marathon down here, even if the films were edited (I didnt mind when Monster-Vision did it).

Before entering, I saw this dude in an awesome ass devils outfit complete with makeup. I asked for a picture and he gave me this pose while I was taking it.

I took a picture of this great looking portrait that costs 300 dollars. While I did not buy that, I commented how I would buy that if I had the money. She thanked me and gave me a postcard for her art company.

This is a great model of what I believe was the Alien Queen in her nest. Holy crap was that thing huge. If I had bought this, I would have no idea where I would put it. I complimented the vendor on that model, but I don't know if he heard me.

The casket car looks really awesome and I was able to get this picture with the people not noticing.

In Case None Of You Knew, I am a proud NERD!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I went to the celebrity section, only a few celebs were there and one of the ones who was there was Donald Gibb, who played Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds. Not the biggest fan of those films, but you know damn well I use that "NERDS!!!!" so many times that I had to get his autograph.

I went to the Deadpit table on both Friday and Saturday. Great guys and I spent 40 bucks on 3 CDs and a DVD of theirs. Really nice guys who were planning a wedding for Uncle Bill (on the left) at this convention, but sadly his fiancee got ill so the wedding has been postponed. Some people are telling me they also did a live commentary to a Danny Steinman film (Danny Steinman was there). I don't know if it happened and if it did, I missed it because at midnight on Saturday, I was asleep....getting ready to leave in a few hours at 5 am. Listening to their Myspace sessions as I write this Odyssey.

It took 2 times to get a pictures of a these Halo Marines because of the goddamn glare from the sun. Wonder how they feel about Halo 4.

Saw this Michael Myers dummy tied up and ready to be buried alive. Well, Michael Myers couldn't be any more worse luck since Rob Zombie made that terrible remake and that hideous sequel. It remains to be seen how that upcoming Halloween 3 will do for Michael Myers' legacy.

I headed back at the hotel room when I saw this Storm Trooper from the prequels.. I don't think he will be pleased to know that I am inducting Episode One next on Monster Crap.

I saw this lady in a Supergirl costume and you know me, I had to get a picture. No......she didnt have to do anything for me to take the picture.

Before I eventually went to my hotel room to recharge, I saw that Margot Kidder was available for autograph and to get a picture with her. She was very amused with the picture I chose for her to autograph, espescially the axe. For those of you who are wondering, that picture is from the original Amityville Horror. For those also wondering, they were out of Black Christmas pictures.

I went to dinner at Bungalow Joe's Bar & Grill with my parents. While the noise did not help my mom (who was sick), the food was very good. We took home a box of their chips and ate all that we ordered (it was delicious). I then headed to bed after taking my medication.

I came into the main room Saturday and immediately I saw the horror hosts from Atomic Age Cinema hanging around talking. I tried to take a group picture, but I missed one guy so I took a second picture with him. Like I said before, this is why I wish there was a local horror show in my area because characters like this always put a great warmth in my apparently cold heart.

Ah Fred Olen Ray, the man who I have many apologies towards. I originally was planning on getting an autograph of his and I was going to watch the premiere of his film called Super Shark. Well, immediately with the scheduling of his film on Sunday at 1 pm (I left for home at 5 am), I was not able to see his latest film. I was also sadly not able to get his autograph because besides this opportunity, I did not see him at all. Oh well, I at least was able to this photo with a man who has films that I know will make it on to my site. Fred, I promised to get an autograph from you and if our paths cross again at another convention, you can bet I will try again to get your autograph.

Two people dressed as characters from Star Wars, a woman dressed as an Amazon, and a woman dressed as a girl scout. What a random mix of people who were selling Star Wars memorabilia.

Near those people is a guy in a Death Star uniform. Luckily he was able to not be on the Death Star when the rebels attacked both times.

I saw that Michael Beihn was giving autographs and before I got his autograph and picture, I listened to a conversation between him and Kane Hodder and they were talking about how it had just come down the wire that Amy Winehouse had died. Michael Beihn was a really nice guy and we talked about the cane that I was carrying around thanks to my MS and he had a stroke recently.

Trust me from someone who has had strange problems that you know your brain is doing is a very scary experience and knowing more people who have had scary experiences that involve your brain, they can tell you the same thing. I should note that I was not alone in having a cane as I saw plenty of people who were walking with one.

EDIT: I am being told that I might have misheard Michael Beihn as he might have been talking about the choke out scene in his directorial debut "The Victim" where he passed out and he felt like he was having a stroke. I apologize if I might have put words in Michael Beihn's mouth that he didn't say. That can definately happen with me.

I then met the great Larry Drake and while he didnt have any pics of his role as the crazy in the Santa siut from the "And All Through The House" episode of Tales From The Crypt, he had plenty of pictures of himself as Bubba from the very underrated made for TV horror film Dark Night Of The Scarecrow. It just got released on DVD so I would recommend anyone who hasnt seen that film to track it down and watch it. You won't be disappointed.

Near Larry Drake's table is this very strange egg with creature feet in it. This is from a 1974 film that I have not seen called Dark Star. They were going to play it with several horror hosts riffing on it at midnight on Saturday. I might have been tempted to see it, but at midnight Saturday......I was dead tired so I went to bed.

Now I did see one film that I have no pictures for and the only reason I saw this was because it was playing when I finally found the room that plays the films. That film is called Absentia and if it wasnt for the small moments where I was like "What???", I would give this film a glowing review. It had really good acting from people who I had never heard of and their great chemistry with each other. The effects were actually not that bad and were used very sparingly and as little of it is on camera as possible. Because of those small things that made me scratch my head, just left me with a feeling of dissapointment.

I saw some podcasres with a masked lady who was dancing so I figured I'd take a picture. I was kind of tempted to dance myself.

I have no idea who these people were supposed to be, but it was strange enough that I had to take a picture.

Guys dressed as the Ghostbusters.....luckily for them, neither Gozar nor the Marshmallow Man were around at this time because dear lord, I will be running if those guys had to cross the streams. Also thankfully Slimer wasnt around because I did not need to get slimed in the clothes I was wearing.

Oh no..........ZOMBIES!!!!! Run for your lives!!!!!!!

Very attractive lady. I dont know what she was dressed as, but it was definately different.

Nice makeup for half of your face. Looked really good.

This guy was in full Jason Voorhees costume and I was finally able to get a picture of the guy while in the room with all of the celebrities.

This lady in the Silk Spectre II costume was another person I saw several times before I was finally able to get her picture.

The only autograph I got from that sauna that housed most of Fandomfest was from Boba Fett. So for those fanboys, I do have an autograph of Boba Fett.

I got Edward Furlong's autograph and despite some people having not good experiences, I had a great experience with him. We talked about how hot it was. It was extremely hot outside as you could guess.

This was taken during my last journey towards the Fright Night Film Fest room. These ladies are really good looking I must admit.

MORE ZOMBIES...........RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh wait, she is at least eating some chicken so we are okay.

The final autograph I got was from the Soul Man himself, 80s icon C. Thomas Howell. I also got my picture taken with the man. He was a really great guy to meet and I almost feel bad that I will eventually have to induct several films that he has directed, but they are films from the group that never stops giving me material in The Asylum.

This was the final picture I took with this guy in a makeshift knight outfit.

So yeah.........I went to bed that night and at 5 am, I headed home. It has taken me several days to recover. I probably won't be doing this convention again unless I live closer to it. If I do a convention next year, it will probably be Monster Mania again because that Mariott at Hunt Valley would not have made my hotel experience miserable. I am taking nothing away from anyone who runs the Fright Night Film Festival as they had alot of variety, but this was way too scattered and overwhelmed too much to the point that it has taken days before I could recover physically.

I guess it didnt help that I was in the middle of an attack and was on steroids during the whole thing (which made me sweat more than usual (and the heat did enough of that)). I went through 11 hankerchiefs through 2 days, but my parents have also told me that despite going through the bourbon trail and having bourbon to bring home, they were miserable as well. So unless the hotel is better and I live closer to the place, you would have to pay me to return to the Fright Night Film Festival at this time.

Ring the Bell for July 26th w/ Nikes the Sneaker Pimp!

Tonight's show features Killa Kev & Friends talking about Triple H Taking Over Raw and as always Seth Drakin gives us the weekly TNA Spoilers to the Rescue. Our special guest on tonight's edition of RTB is AngryMarks legend Frank Vaughn a/k/a Nikes the Sneaker Pimp!

I really need to drink some water while I do these shows and Dear God....the spoilers for Impact this week were long as hell. So long in fact that at some point I basically condensed the shit because I wanted to be done with that shit. There really needs to be a shirt that says "TNA Spoilers Make My Head Hurt".

http://angrymarks.com/?ArticleID=14634

Ring the Bell for July 19th, 2011

Tonight's show features Killa Kev & Friends talking about Vince McMahon being relieved of his duties on Raw last night. How much of it is a work, and how much of it is real life? They'll give you the run-down. And as always, Seth Drakin gives the weekly TNA Spoilers to the Rescue.

I have to say that if I dont sound like my usual self.........blame the steroids.

http://angrymarks.com/?ArticleID=14569

Seth Drakin helps out Game Show Garbage

Yep, I did a special induction for Game Show Garbage as my good friend Sigma and I looked at a very horrible game show called Secrets Of The Cryptkeeper's Haunted House. Here is a link to the full review.

http://gsgarbage.clw83.com/sotchh.htm

Ring the Bell Talks Raw in Boston, CM Punk & TNA

Tonight's show features Killa Kev & Friends talking about the latest news in wrestling, including what Nickolye and CrEaM saw when they went to Raw in Boston this week, not to mention CM Punk's Boston Street Fight! And as always Seth Drakin gives us the weekly TNA Spoilers to the Rescue, and believe me this week's are not to be missed.

At the latter end of the show, I made some comments that few might find offensive. If you are offended, I apologize.

http://angrymarks.com/?ArticleID=14513

Monster Crap Inductee: Lawnmower Man 2 (1996)

Monster Crap Inductee: Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (aka Lawnmower Man 2: Jobe’s War)

Whatever Subtitle You Use, This Film Still Sucks

1996

Folks…..normally I am ready to do my inductions without hesitation either because I know I am going to have fun with them or I just can’t wait to get this induction over with. This is one of those films that I really REALLY don’t want to do AT ALL. The reason I say that is even with the stuff I can’t wait to get done with, I have a few jokes in mind to keep myself from being miserable, but I have nothing for this….NOTHING. So if you have read this and are surprised by the lack of jokes, I did warn you.

But first, we need some back-story. In 1975, Stephen King wrote Night Shift, which is a set of short stories. One of those short stories was called Lawnmower Man and it was about Harold Parkette hires Pastoral Greenery & Outdoor Services, Inc. to cut his lawn. However the “serviceman” is not really a man, but a satyr, who works for the Greek god Pan.

No Sadly………It Is Not Torgo………As He Serves….The Master

It’s Not Phil Either…………..And Fuck Disney’s Hercules

This satyr, making good on his job to mow the lawn, conjures up an unholy, autonomous lawnmower to mow Parkette’s lawn while the satyr, completely nude, devours the freshly cut grass. Parkette sees this and is terrified. In a panic, he tries to call the police, but the satyr and his lawnmower brutally slaughter Parkette. The police arrive at the house and they believe an insane nudist killed Parkette in a form of ritual sacrifice. They write off the occurrence as just another bizarre murder and leave, failing to notice the powerful scent of freshly cut grass.

Director Brett Leonard and producer Gimel Everett wrote a script in the 90s called Cyber God and it had nothing to do King’s short story. However, New Line Cinema held the film rights to Stephen King’s short story and decided to combine Cyber God with minor elements of the short story. As you kind of realized with my induction of several New Line films, New Line Cinema have a history of being complete assholes and there is a reason they are out of business now. In this case, they called this Cyber God-Lawnmower Man hybrid, Stephen King’s Lawnmower Man. Being that this film had nothing to do with his short story; Stephen King understandably sued to have his name removed.

After two rulings in Stephen King’s favor, New Line Cinema still did not comply and when they initially released the VHS as Stephen King’s Lawnmower Man, Mr. King sued a third time and won. New Line finally had to remove Stephen King’s name from the film or else, the author would be given 10,000 dollars a day by New Line Cinema and he would get all proceeds to the film.

The actual film had a virtual reality company headed by Dr. Lawrence Angelo (played well by a pre-James Bond Pierce Brosnan) trying to use virtual reality to increase intelligence. It worked for chimpanzees so Pierce decides to do human testing. He decides to use his retarded gardener, who is friends with the son of his neighbor….who he has a crush on. Now if you think he is doing this to get in her pants, you are incorrect because actually he is doing this because he really wants to help the guy. The retarded Jobe (played perfectly by Jeff Fahey) actually starts becoming smarter, but also changes in behavior as well. He engages in sexual relations with a rich widow and as a rebel, he takes her to join him as they have sex VR style. Something goes wrong and the rich widow is so traumatized that she is driven insane, laughing endlessly at nothing. Jobe starts believing he is the next stage of evolution and tries to take over the world. He kills several people including the husband of the neighbor who he has a crush on, using the lawnmower.

If I was wrong with some of the plot, I apologize because in all honesty, I loved Lawnmower Man. It really is an underrated film and the perfect acting by Jeff Fahey makes us care for even the villain.

It Also Helps That The Dated CGI Effects Actually Adds To The Film Instead Of What It Mostly Does, Take Away From The Film

Because this film actually did well in the box office, a sequel was required. However, New Line Cinema got only one person of the original cast (Austin O’Brien does return as Peter Parkette) to return for the sequel. Yes, they didn’t even get the actor who played the Lawnmower Man himself (who was able to survive) to return. Did they decide to change Lawnmower Men? Of course not!!! They instead decided to replace the great Jeff Fahey with Matt Frewer. Now if you don’t know who Matt Frewer is….well, this photo might help.

Yes, Matt Frewer Played Max Headroom.

A bigger issue though is that the genius of this film decided to make this film PG-13, even though the first film was RATED R!!!!! As most of you know, turning R rated material into PG-13 is probably one of the DUMBEST THINGS TO EVER DO!!!!!

So yeah………..this film was destined for failure, but no one would know how much failure there was.

I should add that before I want to show you how pathetic the posters are. Go back up and look at the two covers for the films and let’s look at the cover of the original poster.

Notice the similarities with the guy mowing the lawn. Yeah, that was in the original film. That scene of him mowing the lawn is not in this sequel at all. Oh it gets even worse. There is a scene shown in the small piece of paper that lists the chapter. It has this exact photo.

Yeah, that is from the first movie as well when Jobe and the rich widow decide to go into the virtual reality world to make love. So you know what kind of shit we are getting into when the people who released this film would rather use scenes from the original than your own sequel.

I also have to interestingly note that the makers of this film contacted well known comic book writer Grant Morrison to pen a script. He claims that he was asked to turn the Lawnmower Man into a comic book superhero ala Grant Morrison’s New X-Men. In the end, they pretty much didn’t take any of his scripts and came up with this script. While that might have rubbed Lawnmower Man fans the wrong way, it might have actually been better than what we got instead.

*Sigh*

I’ve been trying to delay for long enough………..let’s get into this movie.

We begin this film with…..

Film…….The Sega Saturn Was In Production So Why The Sega CD Full Motion Video Screen

Wait……….I Apologize To The Sega CD Because Even Their FMV Screen Was Bigger Than This Piece Of Crap

I apologize in advance but because the first DVD chapter of this film is like that, I am forced to put the first chapter on Full Screen. Why….because this is the only time where the picture is of good size.

Anyway……….the film starts off with events from the original film happening with the laboratory getting blown up, but the evil Jobe finds a way out.

Enjoy This Moment Because This The Only Time The Iconic Lawnmower Man Look Is Shown

We then go to a court hearing where Dr. Benjamin Trace is fighting to keep his patent on the Chiron chip.

Unfortunately, he loses said battle because one of the investors wasn’t paid in full.

We then go to a team searching in the rubble of the lab and they find a man who has survived, but his legs are no more. Guess who the survivor is???

Yes, It Is Jobe And Hi, Title Screen

We have Jobe sent to the hospital where he is saved thanks to the doctors. We find out that Jobe suffered third degree burns so his entire face was reconstructed (which will explain the different actor). Using a computer screen that is hooked to Jobe’s mind, they try to speak to him. But all Jobe will say is “Peter Peter pumpkin eater”. They try normal talk, but that is all he will say. Finally they decide to finish the nursery rhyme and Jobe finally introduces himself.

We then get the female doctor (whose name is Dr. Cori Platt) helps Jobe in his physical and occupational therapy. Hey, I’ve been there Jobe………it’s not fun, but it is a necessity. Through machines, they are able to visualize Jobe’s memories of the past where he had a friendship with Peter Parkette.

Jonathan Walker shows up and he has acquired the services of Jobe and Dr. Cori Platt, as well as another scientist named Jennifer. We also find out that Jonathan is the one who sued and was given the patent to the Chiron chip. Jobe is hired to build the Chiron chip and in exchange virtual reality will rehabilitate his mind. Oh dear, that is how Jobe went insane in the first movie. Anyway, Jobe is span through some type of machine.

Jobe is fully healed in VR and remember that awesome look of CGI in the past, well………

He Now Looks Like This In The VR World

Thankfully we are now on Chapter 2 so I can put the stuff back on widescreen. We are told this is Los Angeles in the future. We are then thrust into the world of hobos where we meet a now 16-year old Peter who is with his girlfriend as well as a few other kids.

They are all hackers who have a secret base at an old rundown subway car.

Sadly, They Did Not Meet The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

They hack their way into cyberspace so they can fly around a simulator like Peter Pan.

Yes, This Is What They Thought Hackers Would Do With Cyberspace.

There world gets screwed around a bit and they fall into the forest.

Sadly None Of These Characters Die

They don’t know what the hell happens, but thanks to their trusty dog….they are able to bring the cybercycles with them. Apparently they are looking for who is busting into their world. Peter crashes into a misplaced statue and that statue transforms into Jobe. There is a short celebration hug of their re-union before Jobe tells Peter that he is dying and he needs the help of Dr. Trace. He needs Dr. Trace to help him with the Egypt link and tells Peter that if Trace is hesitant, to tell him Jobe is creating his Chiron chip.

Some punks come in and zap Peter out of cyberspace. We have a short scene where Peter needs CPR, but Peter is okay.

At the new laboratory….

Which Is Built Like An Actual Fort

We see Jonathan and his staff (sans Jobe) meet with Senator Greenspan. They give the senator a tour of their facility and the company name is Virtual Light. The senator is hesitant in giving Jonathan the grants needed to complete their virtual world because they would be giving Walker so much power.

Peter rides up to Dr. Trace’s secluded pad where we see the former owner of the Chiron chip patent has left the world of technology.

Yeah…………Dr. Trace Has Become A Hippy

Peter tries to ask for Dr. Trace’s help to save his friend, but Trace has said he left that world and doesn’t plan on returning. When mentions the Chiron chip, Trace wants to talk to him inside. Peter leaves Trace a disk and says that if he wants to help save Jobe, he can meet him at the third station in the abandoned Tunnel 11.

Trace decides to help and meets them at that abandoned subway car. When they meet Jobe, Jobe’s personality changes completely. Gone is the serious Jobe that we all know & love and now he is replaced with Matt Frewer’s bad comedy. Yes, now Jobe has become annoying as hell. Jobe introduces them to the center of the virtual city he is building. Trace then mentions what all of us need mentioning: that Jobe looks to be in zero type of danger. When Trace asks what he really wants, Jobe says he wants Egypt.

Trace says that he will not help Jobe because the Egypt part of the Chiron chip is his secret way of preventing anyone from being able to have full domain. Jobe turns evil and produces a sword.

They get Peter out of cyberspace and Peter wonders what the hell has turned Jobe so crazy. Here is the problem; in the last movie……..I believe Peter already knows that Jobe went insane. So unless Peter didn’t know Jobe had this annoying schizophrenic personality, then they kind of retconned the first movie.

Jobe hacks into the electronics of a train and sends it careening into the abandoned track and the hackers’ base. Trace is however able to get Jobe from crashing the train into their tunnel, but the train crashes a blocked track and an explosion is created.

Because of this, the hackers’ base is still destroyed, but they all are able to escape. Back at Virtual Light, Jonathan and Jennifer talk secretly about the power they will have once everything is complete.  Back on a bus, Trace tells the kid if Jobe wants Egypt that means he plans on using the Chiron chip to its full hideous potential, which is enter any machine in the world and take over its VR. Trace says they need to steal the Chiron chip to stop him. Using library computers, they are able to figure out where the chip and Jobe are. They figure out that Platt is working with Jobe and apparently, Trace gives the face of someone who knows her.

Jonathan talks about how Greenspan is going back to Washington to oppose the licensing of Virtual Reality, and if they lose that license, they are dead. Now I don’t know why they told Jobe this otherwise so I am thinking that they wanted Jobe to do something about it. Jobe does do something about it as he hacks into Greenspan’s plane so it crashes, killing the senator. Another scientist sees this going on and tries to warn someone via Virtual Reality, but that is a bad move as Jobe hacks into his world and kills him.

Trace decides to meet Platt in the parking lot and she is disgusted to see him.  Trace tries to play nice, but Platt obviously wants nothing to do with him, signifying past fallout between the two. When she gets to the lab, she sees that Jennifer has been getting the project sped up without her authorization. Platt tries to talk to Jonathan, but no luck happens since Jonathan is a douche and is overriding her authorization. This makes Platt very suspicious and when she tries to look up Jobe’s file, she sees that his entire file has been erased by Jonathan. She goes into Jonathan’s office and steals a folder. She gets caught trying to leave by security, but she says she went in to drop some papers off. The guard thinks nothing of it, and lets her be on her way.

Two of the hackers get in her car’s way and fake being run over as a distraction. This allows Trace to sneak into the backseat so he can talk to her. Jonathan calls and tells her about the guard seeing her in his office. While she smoothes this situation over, Trace steals her key to the lab. Since I am halfway through this film and this is such a painfully boring film, I am going to take a nap.

*Seth takes a nap and continues afterwards*

That was a good nap. Back to this boring film.

The hackers and Trace break into Virtual Light by using camera loops and Platt’s keycard. When Trace and Peter get to where the Chiron chip is, they note that it is being guarded by a special laser that is extremely sensitive to zero degrees centigrade. They then grab an ice cube and try to use that as the replacement for the Chiron chip.

Dr. Platt comes back because she seems to think she left her keycard in the lab. The camera loop for some reason, allows her to be seen when it is meant to keep all the people the camera spots invisible. Back inside, our idiots forget that ice freaking melts and when the ice melts, they are detected stealing the chip.

Even Jobe Is Laughing At Your Stupidity

Jobe immediately tries to use the lasers to zap them, but apparently he set his phasers to miss. Yes, I know that was an obvious Mystery Science Theater joke, I’m really grasping at straws here trying to come up with good jokes so forgive me.

Platt comes to save them from getting killed, but Jennifer tries to stop her. A security guard comes in, but that distracts Jennifer enough so Platt can let out Trace & Peter. Trace head butts the security guard who falls on Jennifer, which apparently knocks her out.

Jennifer, A Fucking Useless Ass-Kisser

Using some techniques that just make me yell to the security guards to shoot the fuckers….

Like Peter Using A Mr. Fuji Technique On One.

Or Trace Punching A Guard In The Balls

They are able to escape into the garbage shoot.

Didn’t Star Wars Teach Us Not To Do That?

Surprisingly, nothing happens as they are able to get out of the facility with the chip. While recovering from the botched security, Jobe tells the guards to bring them some dirt that they found. Jobe uses this to trace this all to Trace’s house, where Trace, Platt, and the hackers are holed up in.

Meanwhile there, our good guys find out that they escaped with a phony and not the real Chiron chip. You see, because Jonathan didn’t trust his own men……he hid the real Chiron chip in one of his statues. They mention that now that Jobe has solved the Egypt link (you will find out how later), they can now go online. Jonathan and his cronies have a meeting with the president so they can begin going online. In this virtual gala, Jonathan announces that in 12 hours, they will have Global Interface.

After the gala, Jennifer tells Jonathan about Platt’s betrayal.

Back at Trace’s house, they say that in 12 hours…………Jobe will have control of every machine imaginable. Platt tries to say that Jonathan will stop it, but Trace argues that he won’t because he is doing this with him. Platt calls Jonathan and Jonathan tells her he is disappointed in her betrayal. Trace tries to talk some sense into him, but Jonathan is too greedy to even think about taking Jobe offline. Jonathan says he trusts Jobe with his life and Trace tells our greedy businessman that he better because he just gave his life to him.

Jobe finds out where the good guys are at and sends a helicopter to crash into them via kamikaze. Luckily the good guys see what is going on and are able to escape before the hijacked helicopter crashes into them.

The Helicopter Pilot, Who Died, Does Some Pretty Bad Acting Here

It is now 2 hours till Global Interface (my time goes by fast) and Jobe decides to turn heel by wrecking havoc. He empties out all credit card accounts as seen by this lady cutting up a credit card that she thinks is overbalanced.

I Don’t Think They Allow You To Do That These Days

He then hacks into ATM machines so they can shoot out money.

Jobe then takes over water mains and makes them burst.

All of this causes people to riot. We then figure out Jobe’s complete plan is to cause so much mayhem that they will have to turn to Jobe as their new messiah with his virtual world. Jobe then goes on all television screens and tells everyone to come to his perfect world for salvation from the chaos.

Meanwhile, the good guys break into Virtual Light using the garbage room again (still no trash compactor scene).

Jonathan and Jennifer are given the bad news of Jobe’s betrayal and when they go to confront him, Jobe boasts about his ruse. Jonathan says that without him, Jobe is nothing more than a deaf and dumb cripple. Umm….Jonathan, Joe isn’t deaf or he wouldn’t be able to hear your insults. Jonathan vows retribution as he and Jennifer leave. They try to secretly talk about either sedating Jobe or taking him out of the VR world. Jobe cunningly hears the plan and fools security into shooting them as terrorists.

Jobe then continues his ramblings to the cyberspace crowd before he is interrupted by Trace and Peter, who were able to sneak into the virtual city unnoticed (thanks to an awesome bike chase scene). A fight scene commences which takes a few minutes until the good guys are finally able to destroy the virtual Chiron chip. Jobe laughs and talks about how he built around the Egypt link, but he soon finds out that the Egypt link is a way to prevent Jobe from getting total control. The Egypt link attacks Jobe and turns him back into the retard that he was in the first film.

A victory is celebrated as Peter, who still considers Jobe is friend, goes to help him. However, when our good guys arrive, Peter is grabbed by a still alive Jonathan. Jonathan wants to chip because he plans on starting over his cyberspace takeover. Jobe grabs Jonathan’s leg and Trace punches Jonathan into some electric wires, which kills him this time.

The movie ends with the good guys and Jobe (who is now in a wheelchair) looking at a beautiful sunny day.

Oh How Fucking Cliché

Before we get to my final thoughts, let’s talk about the aftermath. There is a reason why many people have never heard of this film, despite it being released in theaters. That’s because when it was released as Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, this film was a huge bomb at the box office. Even for limited theatrical run, this film did terrible. This film was for the most part universally panned as terrible and it was so bad to the point when Lawnmower Man 2 made it to video, they changed its subtitle to Jobe’s War and basically released with basically zero hype.

Only a few went on to do much of note. Matt Frewer did play Moloch in the Watchmen movie (even though he had very little screen time) and also played the dad who got infected in the Dawn of the Dead remake. Thankfully, Martin does do voice work and in my personal opinion, that is probably best for him as his personality is cartoony.

However, there is one person who you may know very well. That would be Saturday Night Live’s Molly Shannon. She played a homeless lady in this film. All I will say is that I don’t think Molly will be talking much about this film any time soon. Nor do I think she will be highlighting this on her resume.

Now for my thoughts…..I will first talk about the positive because there is maybe one. The CGI (for its time) were actually decent. The cyber city looks really well done so I appreciate the effort.

However, this also falls under a negative because the CGI in the original may not been as good, but it created more of an ominous atmosphere.

With that, we go towards the negative. The PG-13 rating really fucks this movie over with making fans of the original pissed off while casual fans don’t understand what is going on. The acting is uninspired. The replacement of Jeff Fahey with Matt Frewer is even worse and you are not even once intimidated this film’s Jobe. I recommend you avoid this film at all fucking costs unless you need help with your insomnia because it is that boring.

The only solace I have is this film is quite forgettable, and after a week…….I will forget all about this film and it will go back into the obscure abyss from which it came.

Now I guess it is time to reveal my next induction. I mentioned on Twitter that I will not be doing a poll to choose my next induction because this film was chosen to be inducted 4 years ago. However, I said at the time because of the box office success it had, I wouldn’t induct it. Years have passed and with watching crappy trends like Michael Bay’s Transformer films and The Twilight Saga becoming all the rage, I decided to fuck what the masses will think and induct this film. And I am sure that I will get a lot of flack because this film on IMDB has a 6.4, which is well above what I usually induct. However, when I was going to originally induct this film as my 27^th induction, it was well below 5.0 so that’s why it is still getting inducted.

And also, I am tackling a film in a legendary franchise and a legendary director. I am putting my flame shields up because this is my next induction.

Oh Yeah………..I’m Going There

Ring the Bell for July 6th, 2011

Tonight's show is a day late due to technical issues, but join us for the July 6th, 2011 taping as Killa Kev & Friends talk about the latest news in wrestling. Also, Seth Drakin gives the weekly TNA Spoilers to the Rescue.

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