Monster
Crap Inductee: Red One
Dwayne
The Rock Johnson’s Ego Deserves Coal For This Crap
2024
GINO Award Winner
Well,
the year is almost over, but I have one more induction to do before I call it a
year. And for this final induction of 2025, I am going to induct a film you all
wanted me to induct back in January when it won the 2024 GINO Award for worst
movie with a monster. Since it is a Christmas movie, I decided to wait until
now to get to it. So let’s talk about Red One.
You may
all remember Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson from his starring role in the movie Doom
that we inducted.
Well, he has a production company called Seven Bucks Production (based off the idea that after he came home from getting cut from the CFL, he only had seven bucks on him) which he and his ex-wife (who he is still rather great friends with) started, and in that company, his ex-brother in law Hiram conceived of an idea of a movie that deals with elves having a unit that protects Santa Clause himself. Dwayne of course would take the lead role and also $50 million dollars (which would be a good sum of the movie budget that finally went up to 250 million). Now while that is what you may expect the Dwayne to make considering at the time he was one of the most in-demand actors at the time of filming in 2022, but by the time 2024 has come, it wasn’t a great thing as Dwayne had a bunch of flops following him like Black Adam and Jungle Cruise.
Black
Adam Being Very Notable Because Dwayne Seemed To Have The Ego To Think An
Anti-Hero Who Originally Started Off As A Villain To Shazam Was Big Enough To
Be In The Same Light As Superman In His Plans For The Future DCU (The Movie
Bombed So Those Thoughts Were Dashed Quickly).
Also
joining the cast is Chris Evans.
Who
Most People Will Know As Captain America From The Marvel Cinematic Universe And
Chris Has Been Trying To Get Away From Being Type Cast As That Guy Since His
Last MCU Appearance In 2019.
We also
got Lucy Liu (who you may know as one of the three members of Charlie’s Angels
in those 2000 films directed by McG), Mary Elizabeth Elis (who you may know
from roles in It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, The New Girl, and Santa
Clarita Diet), Bonnie Hunt, and Academy Award Winner J. K. Simmon.
He’s
Gonna Want More Pictures Of Spiderman (Not The Role He Won The Oscar For As
That Was For Whiplash)
Comedy
actor Nick Kroll is also in it as is Kritsoffer Hivju.
You May
Know Him From Tormund Giantsbane in Game Of Thrones.
But as
you can gather from filming starting in 2022, this film took a bit of time to
be released (being released in November 2024) and that was because of delays in
filming and release delays from the studio being weary of its bloated budget
because of the delays. Those filming delays of course are because Dwayne had
that ego and decided he would be 8-9 hours late for filming as well as missing
several days of filming.
Besides
the Rock, there was other Monster Crap alumni in this film. Kristoffer Hivju
was a security officer in After Earth and The Thing prequel
Kiernan
Shipka was in that terrible Will Farrell Land Of The Lost Film
And Marti
Matulis was in Studio 666 and Land Of The Lost
With
that all out of the way, let’s waste no more time and let’s get to talking
about what goes on in the movie.
We
begin at a Christmas Family Get-Together where we follow this kid named Jack
O’Malley.
He
shows the closet full of presents to the other kids as part of the bet to prove
there is no Santa Claus and they are getting played by their parents. Jack
reveals he can find anyone anywhere, except for his father. Uncle Rick sees
Jack has revealed the presents and has a talk with him, basically saying while
those are presents, they aren’t Santa’s presents.
Jack
does not believe any of this, but Uncle Rick says he should go to bed or he
will be on the naughty list and Jack doesn’t really care. Then we go to Jack
eating the cookies and drinking the milk left for Santa.
Little
Asshole….
Then we
go to 30 years later at a Starbucks and if you think Jack works there, you are
wrong as he shows up to steal a cup of coffee. He also steals a newspaper from
a random guy
And Is
Now Chris Evans
He
makes a phone call to a guy named Lenny, who is his bookie who he has been late
in paying yet. He basically meets an attractive woman in her yoga class and if
you think he is going to hit on her, you are wrong again as he actually causes
a fire as a distraction so he can steal her ID card to enter the building she
works at.
He
enters into the seismic investigation room with the ID and finds a way to put a
monitoring device in some of the fiber optic wiring and then leaves. Does he
give back the ID after he is done? No….he throws that in the trash. And then to
show how much of an asshole this guy is, he steals candy from a baby.
And
Yes, This Is One Of The Heroes Of This Film. Merry Christmas, You’re Supposed
To Side With An Asshole.
Then we
get the title card to this film.
We then
go to a mall where everyone is arguing and we have a mall Santa.
But It
Is Actually The Real Santa Pretending To Be A Mall Santa.
Now
this is not the first time JK Simmons has played a version of Santa as he also
did the voice of the woodsman named Klaus in the movie Klaus.
Which
Is A Damn Good Christmas Movie If You Have Not Seen It Yet
He is
being followed by his number one bodyguard and head of the ELF (Enforcement,
Logistics, & Fortification) Callum Drift.
Callum
here is looking at a kid stealing candy canes, people pushing and shoving, and
a guy who is stealing scented candles. Kids come up and the mom gives Santa a
jar of cookies, but Callum takes it to investigate and says it is chocolate
chip and Snickerdoodle, the latter of which Santa loves. Santa wants to talk to
the kids (two of who made the cookies), but an obnoxious social media
influencer named Beef Stew butts in so he can get Santa to wear a T-Shirt
supporting him.
Callum
tries to get him to not be such an asshole and eventually gets him to back down
so Santa can hang with the kids. Santa here tells Callum that he appreciates
what he did in dealing with Beef Stew. We see that Santa does these special
appearances so he can get out and actually talk to the kids instead of being
holed away in the North Pole. We then find out that after this Christmas,
Callum is retiring as he is losing the spirit of Christmas himself and doesn’t
feel he can do his best as Santa’s bodyguard without it. The two then leave in
a car and we see they have secret clearance to fly back to the North Pole via
his sled, which was hiding in a bunker.
Yep….All
The World’s Governments Work With Santa And His Crew.
And
then we find out that Santa’s code name is Red One, which is why this movie is
called that. Santa flies and we learn that Santa has hyper speed in his sled.
Meanwhile,
we see Jack following the seismic activity and also watches the boxer he bet on
lose so he is more in debt to the bookie. He gets money for sending the
coordinates to the mysterious voice he is working for. Back with Santa and
Callum, we get to see that Red One has ripped off Black Panther in that Santa’s
Workshop in the North Pole is like Wakanda in being a cloaked city with a
shield.
When
they land, we meet two more characters in Mrs. Claus and Agent Garcia, a polar
bear agent of The ELF.
We then
see Santa working out in his gym and we find out that the Naughty List has been
rising 22% a lot so it is getting really hard for Callum to want to deal with
the adults who mostly make that Naughty List and now more people are on the
Naughty List than the Nice List.
Including
This Asshole Who Is Our President Sadly
Santa
tries to say that we need to still believe in people and they can find the good
side in them. He says they work for the kids, even when they are not kids
anymore. But Callum is still insistent in his retirement after this Christmas
and Santa has to respect that. Outside, we see mercenaries finding the shield
and breaking in.
Led By
This Lady.
Callum
goes for a walk and looks at Santa’s original workshop….which is now a historical
landmark.
He sees
a light go out in the main building and is a little concerned. He sees more
lights go out and loses communications with people so now he knows there is a
problem. Santa is also now missing so we are on Red Alert. He goes to Santa’s
room and sees that someone has abducted him. Callum sees the people making off
with Santa so he chases them. Other ELF agents are sent in as well.
Callum
eventually lands on the vehicle the abductors are using to escape while the
other ELF agents were taken out. Callum has to get off as it is going to go
through a bridge and he will die from the debris if he doesn’t. He then puts a
toy on the ground and grows it with a device so he now has a snowmobile.
He sees
that there is a hole in the dome and follows the vehicle out of it. He causes
an avalanche to try to slow the abductors’ vehicle down, which he does. He goes
to the vehicle and sees that Santa is not in it and this was all a diversion as
the real vehicle holding Santa gets away on a plane.
They
get a message from MORA (Mythological Oversight and Restoration Authority) head
Zoe Harlow asking what the hell happened.
Callum
shows up and doesn’t know what happened and who could have done this. Zoe says
they have 24 hours to take care of this because Christmas is coming and if they
fail, there may be no more Christmas. Zoe says someone hacked the seismic
surveillance system and if it is related, they may be able to figure out what
happened. Callum tells Zoe that the people working there need to find out who
hacked it. And the people working on it are called Trolls.
How
Very Unsubtle Of This Movie….
They
reveal it is The Wolf who is Jack O’Malley’s nickname. Apparently Jack is a
legend in tracking and then we see Jack sleeping in a bathtub.
Not
Much Of A Legend
He gets
a phone call from his ex-wife Olivia who says he needs to go pick up their son
Dylan from school. He says it isn’t a good time to put this on him, and Olivia
says she has two pregnant mothers who can give birth at any time so she is
stuck in the hospital. Also, Dylan got in trouble at school so someone needs to
pick him up and he is the only person available to do so.
And
This Is Dylan. Far Be It For Me To Criticize A Kid Actor, But Whoever Plays
Dylan Does Not Do A Great Job At The Role.
Jack
picks Dylan up and we find out Dylan hacked into the school computers and
tampered with attendance records. He also slashed the tires on his ex-best
friend’s bike after he told on Dylan. Jack is more disappointed that Dylan
didn’t do it right and allowed the ex-best friend to find out about it. He
takes Dylan home and Olivia is waiting. Dylan goes to practice as he has a
Winter Pageant to do as part of Jazz Band. Olivia reveals that after the phone
call, the pregnancies happened and she was able to get out of work just in time
to get home, but thanks Jack for picking him up anyway. Olivia says that Dylan
wants to spend more time with Jack and Jack says that he has to go to work.
Jack
then goes back to his apartment and is attacked by people working for MORA (so
much for that hard to find shit the movie was talking about). He fights them
off for a while, but eventually gets captured and knocked out by Zoe.
He
wakes up restrained and gets interrogated by Zoe. He reveals that someone was
trying to find someone who was running weapons tests in the Arctic and he
doesn’t know who it was as long as he got paid. After all of that, he is “boxed
up” and taken to the North Pole.
Yep….They
Literally Box You Up.
Zoe
explains to Jack that Mora is a multinational organization that protects the
mythological world. He seems weirded out by this whole thing and also doesn’t
fully believe it. Oh and for a gag for him to believe this is real, we see that
they have arrested the Headless Horseman.
He is
then placed in a new interrogation room and is told that Santa Claus got
kidnapped. Basically, the data he used to find those so called weapons was
actually used to pinpoint where Santa’s Workshop was in the North Pole. He
cannot believe any of this and then Callum shows up ready to kick some ass. Zoe
tells Callum that Jack didn’t know what he was doing and just got hired to
locate. Callum decides that there is some info Jack is holding back on and
calls for Garcia, who arrives.
Yeah,
That’s The Face Of A Man Who Was Not Expecting To Deal With An Anthropomorphic Polar
Bear.
Zoe
tries to calm the two down while Callum reveals Jack is on the Naughty List at
a Level 4. Zoe then reveals that Jack is now working for her and needs to help
them find and free Santa Claus. He then triangulates that whoever hired him is
in Aruba and after wanting to work alone but being told that isn’t an option,
he brings Callum and Garcia there. Jack also has a tracking device placed on
him so he can’t escape in any way.
We then
go to where Santa Claus has been confined to and it is a cell.
Santa
then sees the face of his captor and it is Gryla.
I’m
Afraid I’m Going To Have To Explain This One.
You
see, Gryla is a ogre that is based in Icelandic lore and is mostly known for cooking
naughty children, which she eats along with her lazy ass husband Leppaluoi. She
is also the mother of twelve sons known as the Yule Lads who are mischievous
troublemakers who like to prank and steal from people. In this film,
though….she is just The Christmas Witch and there is no Leppaluoi because this
film just wants the name and not everything that name involves.
Anyway,
Gryla here thinks the world is a mess and thinks she has a way to fix it by
making all the world something to fear if they are naughty. She reveals that
Santa is restrained to a machine that will deplete his magical powers so it can
be used in her grand plan. Santa falls asleep because of this.
We then
go back to Callum and Jack as they go to a toy store. Callum picks up a
Monopoly set, some Rock’em Sock’em Robots, a toy skateboard, a slinky, a
squeaky hammer toy, some batteries, and Hot Wheel. They then go to the
employees room of the toy store and reveal there is a portal behind a locked
door that can take them to a toy store in Aruba. Callum is unhappy about the Hot
Wheel Jack chose because he wanted a practical car, but then reveals that he
can turn the car big and into a real car.
In the
car ride, we learn that here is no backup Santas. Back with Gryla in her lair,
she is given the weapon by one of the Yule Lads and that weapon is….
A Snow
Globe.
We then
see that Santa’s energy is being used to mass reproduce these snow globe
weapons that we still don’t know what they do. They are going to test this
device on some asshole named Aaron Able.
But
before we see that, we need to go back with Callum and Jack in Aruba. We get
more banter which makes it seem like these guys really don’t like each other
and when Jack says Callum is no fun, Callum retorts that he won Most Fun Gift
Wrapper for 183 years in a row. Jack finds some Armenian Death Mercs and Jack
also reveals they are protecting their boss Ted.
Callum
then beats up the Death Mercs by shrinking and then growing back to normal.
Jack
and Callum want to know where Santa Claus is and of course, Ted also doesn’t
know who they are talking about. Jack reveals he is The Wolf and we find out
that Ted is just another guy working for the real boss Gryla. He is then
possessed by Gryla because she was able to hear her name being mentioned.
This
beach of Aruba turns cold and then we hear Nick Kroll (who is playing Ted)
doing a horrible possessed voice. Gryla through Ted reveals that Santa is with
her and fast asleep. Callum uses his glasses to make MORA find out that Gryla
is behind Santa’s abduction. She reveals that she wants everyone who has ever
been naughty (from murderers to jaywalkers) to be punished. She says on
Christmas morning, the world will be much nicer.
Then we
get another fight scene as Gryla has sent snowmen to attack.
In An
Ice Cream Truck
And
they have snowflake throwing stars that can freeze anyone.
Callum
tells Jack to get Ted out of there as he is their only lead to Gryla. Callum
splits one of the snowmen in half, but that does nothing as he is able to put
himself back together.
Ultimately,
Ted is frozen.
Callum
is also able to defeat the snowmen by removing the carrots that are their nose.
Meanwhile,
Jack blows one up using a punctured gas can and a Molotov cocktail.
There
is a third who attempts to freeze the pool with Jack in it. Jack gets most of
himself out of it, but his left foot is frozen to the pool. This could mean the
end for this asshole, but Callum saves him by removing the carrot from him.
Maybe
The Rock Can Cut One Of His Old Promos On That Carrot? No? Damn…..
Jack
asks for help with his foot, but Callum says he will figure it out. Meanwhile,
we finally meet Aaron Able who gets a parking ticket. He is on the phone being
an asshole about not picking up his grandma and saying she can take the bus. He
calls the meter maid an asshole and tells her to get a life before crumbling
the ticket. Aaron opens his door and sees that there is a black present box
left for him.
He
opens it and sees it is a snow globe. The snow globe activates and we see that
the magic has now trapped Aaron in the snow globe. We also find out that meter
maid was actually one of the Yule Lads in disguise, who takes the snow globe
with him. Although it was supposed to immediately come back to Gryla and she is
not happy that the machine isn’t working properly.
Back at
the pool, Jack is able to get out of his situation and MORA has put the carrots
in specialized containers so they don’t create anymore snowmen. We also find
out that Gryla is a shape-shifter and a 900 year old ogre who has kids that
will kill on command. They then look for UDMs (Unauthorized Deployments Of
Magic) and we find out that Santa has a brother.
It
Better Not Be Fred Claus Or Xanta Klaus or Dingle Kringle
Callum
immediately thinks Gryla is working for this brother and has himself and Jack
go to his domain instead of MORA because of a treaty that makes him stay in his
domain while they don’t come in his domain. If they fail, Zoe may have to brief
all the heads of countries about the possibility of there being no Christmas. Back
at the toy shop, Jack tries to get a Wonder Woman action figure, but Callum
stops him. They teleport to Germany and Jack gets a phone call from Olivia, who
is upset that Jack isn’t going to Dylan’s concert. Dylan for some reason says
that he is at work and not in freaking Germany right now so there is a lot of
these two arguing. She hangs up and Callum makes a hot wheels truck to a size
they can drive in.
In the
car, Callum wants to talk about Dylan. Jack says Dylan is a good kid and has a
good step-dad and he doesn’t want to be the other dad while he is a degenerate
gambler and low life so his kid won’t be disappointed in him. Callum says if
that is what he is trying to do, it is not working. They drive to a graveyard
and that is where they are able to enter the domain of Santa’s brother, who is
Krampus.
Krampus
Is Santa’s Helper In Certain Folklore Who Would Kidnap The Naughty Children And
Take Them Away Forever
We find
out in the film that Santa and Krampus used to work together, until his brother
started making lists as Santa wasn’t comfortable with demonic lists that
involved children. We find out that Santa’s brother was the one who started the
naughty list and Santa didn’t like that he was starting to punish the naughty
kids. Santa basically took the list and Krampus went on his own, which led him
to hooking up with Gryla. It apparently ended badly for them so they have to
sneak into the lair and Callum warns Jack not to touch anything.
And Now
We Are In Krampus’ Lair
There
they see two hellhounds standing guard.
Callum
uses his enlarger gun to make a chicken which the hellhounds chase. Jack then
sees some gold coins and takes a gold coin The alarm is sounds and a cyclops
comes calling them thieves.
Callum
tries to say who he is and they are not thieves, but another of the guys
working for Krampus shows up and gets the coin out of Jack’s pocket.
They
are put in prison and Callum is not happy with Jack. Jack tries to say that he
has problems of his own as he owes someone a lot of money that he doesn’t have.
Callum says there is always a choice and Jack makes the bad ones in looking out
only for himself. Callum says he was one day away from retirement and this
whole mess happens. We then once again hear about Callum not being able to see
the good in people anymore so he was going to walk away from it all. Then
Callum and Jack are brought to Krampus and his giant party.
We find
out that they are having some sort of Slap Fight tournament known as
Krampuschlap. Yes, we are getting a joke about Power Slap, a horrible sport
where to people takes turns slapping each other unprotected until one of them
is unable to get up. It is real, was first introduced in Russia, and now
freaking Dana White has brought it to the United States.
Yep….A
Guy Who Apparently Liked Slapping His Wife So Much That He Is The One Trying To
Make A Sport Based Out Of Slapping People Come To Mainstream. Thankfully, It
Has Not Been Truly Successful.
Anyway,
Krampus slaps some guy into a wall and sees Callum Drift. He tells Callum that
he shouldn’t be here. He takes Callum’s gauntlet that grows and shrinks thinks
and tells Callum that the ELF head actually thought Santa was here, which he
isn’t. Callum reveals that Santa was abducted last night by Gryla and he knows
that the witch was here not that long ago. Krampus says that he knows they used
to be a couple, but back then, she was beautiful and describes features from
her original body (which is hideous) that he finds beautiful. Krampus said that
while he used to punish, but now he only does that here for fun. Callum demands
to know why Gryla was there if they were not working together and Krampus said
that she came to take a gift back that he was given by her many years ago. That
gift was the snow globe that could trap people and it was called the Glaskefig.
Callum
tries to appeal to Krampus that he needs to find Santa, but Krampus isn’t
interested in helping. He tells Jack that he is only leaving to give a message
to MORA that there is a price for this intrusion and that Callum belongs to
Krampus. Jack then proposes that Callum plays Krampuschlap for his freedom and wonders
if Krampus is too much of a coward to accept the bet. Krampus loves this bet
and accepts. Callum doesn’t like this, but realizes this may be their only
choice so he accepts as well. Callum goes first and delivers a pretty good slap
that would knock most people, but not Krampus….although Krampus finds the slap
very interesting. It’s Krampus’ turn and Krampus knocks him down. Callum gets
up so it is his turn. Jack was able to steal back the gauntlet and put it on
Callum’s hand so Callum and slap the shit out of Krampus.
Callum
then makes the Rock’em, Sock’em Robots bigger.
The
robots punch the crowd so Callum and Jack can make their escape. Krampus
destroys the robots and chases after them. However, the two heroes escape….even
with the toy chicken that was used as a distraction for the hellhounds. Callum
can’t believe that worked and Jack apologizes for putting him through it, but
Callum is okay with it as it was great. Callum says he misjudged Jack and was
happy he didn’t leave when he was allowed to. Jack has to say “Let’s Save
Christmas” before they continue because Callum wants him to say it and after
much hesitation, Jack says it. Jack wonders what Gryla wants to do with the
Glaskefig, but he said Gryla’s name so she knows what they are doing.
You
Know, If You Wanted To Do Candlejack…..Just Do Candlejack
The
Yule Lads say the next test is ready, which Gryla is okay with….but she has a
special test subject in mind. While Jack and Callum are on the road, they
figure out that to make multiple Glaskefigs, they would need massive power like
Santa. They stop when there is a piano and a package left for them in the
middle of the road.
They
open the package and see a Glaskefig. Jack then gets a cell phone call from his
son who wonders if his father sent him a stupid present instead of coming. Jack
realizes what is going on and tells Dylan not to open it, but Dylan touches it
and is imprisoned. He is also transported to Gryla’s lair. In desperation to
find his son, Jack touches his Glaskefig and he is trapped and transported to
Gryla’s lair as well.
One of
the Yule Lads looks at them and tells Gryla that it works. Gryla comes up to
the imprisoned father and son, saying that Jack as a Level 4 Naughty Lister is
the perfect start to her collection. She then has the Yule Lads put the machine
online which saps more energy from Santa Claus.
Gryla
says she will be delivering everyone of these Glaskefigs to every deviant on
Earth. She says they will then join the collection so the world will be in the
hand of the Righteous. Gryla says that she will be making the sleigh ride
tonight. Back at MORA, Zoe gets a phone call from Callum asking about the
Glaskefig. Zoe says that Krampus has it, but Callum says that Gryla has it now
and plans to use it. Basically Callum surmises that Gryla’s lair is in Santa’s
Workshop and Santa never left, meaning everyone at Santa’s Workshop has been
compromised. Zoe says that is impossible as she has been talking to Mrs. Claus
the whole time. Callum then is patched in to Mrs. Claus and sees Mrs. Claus is
baking cookies, including macaroons. Callum gets off with Mrs. Claus and tells
Zoe Santa’s wife is a fake as Santa hates macaroons, which the real wife would
know. Zoe then pieces together that everyone in Santa’s workshop right now are
all shapeshifters. We then see Mrs. Claus shapeshift back into one of the Yule
Lads.
The
Yule Lads immediately realize that Callum and MORA is on to them. Back in the
prison snow globes, Dylan is very upset with what is going on. Jack tries to
explain that Santa is missing and that lady is a witch who got the prison snow
globes from a giant demonic creature named Krampus, with the plan being to make
millions of those snow globes so they can capture all the naughty people
forever.
Meanwhile
Zoe and Callum sneak into Santa’s Workshop trying to find Jack, but they find
the Yule Lad in disguise, which Callum immediately knocks out.
They go
to where they believe Jack and Dylan are, but they aren’t there. Callum
surmises that they must be in the old tunnel systems which are underneath the
original workshop. Dylan is panicking and wondering why this is happening,
wondering what he did to make himself naughty. Jack says Dylan may have done
some stuff that he shouldn’t have done, but everyone has done that and says
that Dylan is only in here because of his father’s mistakes. He says he did a
lot of stuff and the stuff he didn’t do is bigger, like being a terrible father
for Dylan. Dylan says it isn’t true, but Jack says it is true as he has been
really not there for him. Jack promises he will be a better father from now on.
They have a heart to heart moment and much like love in freaking The Happening
defeating the wind, this father-son love breaks the Glaskefig’s hold on them
and they are free.
Congratulations,
Red One….You Made Me Compare You To Freaking The Happening.
Dylan
wonders what happened and Jack says being nicer may be the way to break out of
the Glaskefigs. They look around to find a way out and immediately run into
Callum and Zoe.
With
Callum Saying The Least Convincing “Ow” I Have Ever Heard
Callum
has to make sure Jack isn’t a shapeshifter by finding out that is Jack could
make a toy real, it would be Wonder Woman….which means Jack isn’t a
shapeshifter. Introductions are done for Dylan and explains to Callum Gryla’s
plan and everyone knows this needs to be stopped. They hear noises behind a
steel door begging for help and they find the real Mrs. Claus and ELF
Operatives.
Including
Diego
We see
Santa (still imprisoned) and the Glaskefig copies are being loaded onto the
sleigh despite the protests of the reindeer. Callum, Jack, and everyone else
come to stop Gryla and she says she was just leaving as she sics the Yule Lads
on them. They all get their asses kicked in another fight scene that is way
longer than it should be as Callum and Jack chases after Gryla (who is in the
sleigh). They get on just before the sleigh flies off and a fight scene
commences with the three of them. She nearly kicks both of them off the sleigh,
but Callum is able to land in the Glaskefigs as Jack lands in between the
reindeer reins. Jack is able to free the reindeer so the sleigh isn’t going to
fly.
Gryla
falls off the sleigh and down a long distance.
Callum
frees Santa and tries to make sure he is still alive. However, he and Jack here
climbing on the bridge which means Gryla is not dead yet.
And
Even Worse….She Is In Her True Form
Callum
tells Gryla to go, which she plans on doing. However, she also plans on taking
Santa with her as his power has been wasted for far too long and her one
request is something that Callun refuses to allow. Gryla is about to attack
when a fireball hits her. That fireball is from Krampus who has his sleigh and
has had a change of heart about helping stop her.
Krampus
tries to have Gryla to back away, but Gryla uses her tail to throw him away.
Callum
fights Gryla and its mostly a one sided affair with Gryla kicking Callum’s ass.
Gryla is about to kill Callum, but Santa comes back to life and yells out her
name.
Santa
yells for his reindeer and Callum uses his shrink ray to escape Gryla’s
clutches so the reindeer can be the real heroes and beat her ass.
They force her to land into the Glaskefig supply so she is now in a Glaskefig prison.
Callum
and Santa have a talk with Santa asking what took him so long. Krampus meets
with Santa as Santa thanks his brother and the demonic brother saying “Merry
Christmas”.
Santa
offers Krampus a seat with him this Christmas, but Krampus refuses and before
he leaves, he tells Callum that he wants a Krampuschlap rematch. Dylan calls
mom and tells her where she is. We then see everyone at Santa’s Workshop get
read for Santa’s Christmas Eve Sleigh Ride. Jack and Dylan get to join Santa
and Callum on the ride. We see Santa using the gauntlet to make himself smaller
so he can get into houses and making tiny presents bigger.
He even
gets the one kid from earlier the Vampire Assassin video game that he wanted.
Apparently
For The Nintendo Switch (Even Though It Isnt A Real Game)
We see
there is a giant blimp with multiple containers of presents so Santa doesn’t
have one giant bag of gifts.
They
even have elves on call in case Santa accidentally breaks a Christmas light on
the roof while running to replace it with a new one.
Then we
see kids around the world be happy as they get their presents. As Santa heads
home after a successful Christmas Eve sleigh ride, Jack and Dylan talk about
how amazing this is and the fact that Santa is very agile for his age.
Callum
sees this father-son bonding with the two and sees kid Jack for a minute to
signify the kid returning inside of Jack.
After
seeing that, Callum decides that he will not be retiring after all, which for
Santa, is great to hear.
But we
have to end with something stupid with Jack asking if they just saved Christmas
and Callum confirming they saved Christmas.
Thankfully
as they head to the North Pole, this more than two hour slog of a movie is
finally over.
So
let’s talk about the aftermath of this movie. With all the problems on the set
(mostly cause of Dwayne’s tardiness) and delays, it may not surprise you to
hear that despite that numerous amount of marketing and a November time release
to capitalize on people wanting Christmas movies, this movie was a giant bomb
at the box office (not even making its $200-250 million budget with only a
$185.9 million return) and not a month after it was released, was already on
Amazon Prime Video.
As for
the cast, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (who played Callum Drift) was not totally
in the dumps for 2025 as while this film was a massive bomb, he voiced acted
once again as Maui in Moana 2 (which came out later) and was the third highest
grossing film of 2024. He has since tried to diversify his acting portfolio
with The Smashing Machine, which did even worse than this film and is
considered the worst box office for movies starring Dwayne. Chris Evans (who
played Jack O’Malley) sadly has had to go back to Marvel and will be returning
as Steve Rogers/Captain America in Avengers: Doomsday. Lucy Liu (who played
Zoe) and J.K. Simmons (who played Santa Claus) are still doing fine as Lucy Liu
and J.K. Simmons because if you have a crap ton of success and are well known,
Hollywood will always find a place for you even with one bomb. Nick Kroll (who
played Ted) is mostly a comedian although his film resume did not improve this
year as he was a voice actor in Smurfs.
Which I
May Have To Nominate For The GINO Award Despite Not Having Seen It Yet
Bonnie
Hunt (who played Mrs. Claus) is actually doing a bit better in 2025 as she is a
voice actress in Zootopia 2 and as of this induction, is making really good
money at the box office.
Thankfully,
no one has passed away since this film came out so we can get to my final
thoughts. As you know from my Worst of 2024 List in January where they were
#25, this movie sucks. Dwayne Johnson and Chris Evans both give terrible
performances as the leads, Lucy Liu and JK Simmons are just there, the villain
is not that good, and that whole scene with Nick Kroll was completely just a
waste of time other than to have snowmen in the beach. Probably worse than that
is at several times during this movie (including the fight scenes), the movie
got boring and this definitely didn’t need to be more than 2 hours. While not
my worst movie of 2024, I think you all made a fine choice with the 2024 GINO
Award. I hope you also make a good choice with the 2025 GINO Award.
But for
myself here at Monster Crap, may you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New
Year…
You
Filthy Animals
