Monster Crap Inductee: The Legend Of Hercules (2014)

Monster Crap Inductee: The Legend Of Hercules
Probably The Most Boring Hercules Movie Of All Time

2014

There are many Greek Mythological Heroes, but probably the most well known and most portrayed of any of them is Heracles.

Or Hercules, If You Follow Roman Mythology.

Yep….in a very weird thing for most studios where they use mostly the name of the Greek Gods and not Roman names, most places including this film call him Hercules (which is Roman).

Yeah….I Don’t Get It Either

 

But like I said, there are many versions of Hercules done like movies, TV shows, cartoons, and whatever else. And many of them have sucked. So it might be weird to people to hear that in 2014, there were going to be TWO Hercules movies, but then again….Hercules is public domain so they can do whatever they want with the character and not have to worry about having to pay or listen to anyone who owned the property because they didn’t. One was going to star the Rock, directed by Bret Ratner, and based on a graphic novel. The other (the one we are covering) was going to be directed by Renny Harlin and that’s it.

Renny Harlin is a director who had his heyday in the 80s and 90s with films like Nightmare On Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, Die Hard 2, Cliffhanger, and Deep Blue Sea. But sadly those days have long since passed as since 2000, he directed dreck like Driven, Mindhunters, Exorcist: The Beginning, The Covenant, and 12 Rounds. As far as the bad guy goes, let’s hire Scott Adkins, who knew how to do a lot of his own stunts through extensive knowledge of Judo and Kickboxing. As for the lead, let’s hire a guy who we doesn’t have much personality, but a good body. I know a perfect guy for that in Kellan Lutz.

Now where have I seen this name before…..

He’s Been On Twilight: New Moon, Twilight: Eclipse (He's The Second One On The Left), and A Nightmare On Elm Street Remake

So yeah, that is VERY CONCERNING!!!!
 
But before I get into Monster Crap, we actually have someone who did something decent before being stuck in this movie.
 

He Was The Second Actor To Play Spartacus In The Spartacus TV Series (Because The Original Actor Sadly Passed Away After Season 1)
 
We also have Johnathan Schaech, who was in That Thing You Do.
 

He’s The One On The Left
 
So who else has been in Monster Crap before.
 
Well, Rade Serbedzija was Captain William Blake in The Fog remake.
 

Yep….He’s The Leader Of The Killer Ghost Lepers And One That Ends Up With Maggie Grace In That Terrible Film
 
Spencer Wilding was the Minotaur in Wrath Of The Titans
 

Bashar Rahal was a medical examiner in Sharks In Venice and Luis Ruiz in Shark Attack 3: Megalodon
 

Nikolai Sitorov was in Shark Attack 3: Megalodon as a guy named Davis and Elitsa Razheva had an uncredited role in 2008’s Day Of The Dead remake.
 
With that out of the way, let’s get this movie over with.
 
We begin with the opening credits at the seas.
 

Then we go to War in Argos as King Amphitryon and his army from Tiryns is invading Argos.

 

Amphitryon’s troops enter Argos and meet the main troops of them. Amphitryon shows up and calls for a battle of leaders between himself and King Galenus so  where whoever wins this duel wins the war and the armies so that no one else dies besides the loser of this duel. King Galenus accepts.
 

They fight and if you know that King Amphitryon is played by Scott Adkins (who this why you hire), you know Amphitryon wins.
 

So problems here is that Amphitryon takes off his helmet and Galenus does not, which makes you wonder why the unfair advantage unless Amphitryon is confident (which considering how he owned Galenus in a fight, may be warranted), but then you have to remember that the actor who played Galenus has to play another character later in the movie and we don’t want a moment like from Space Mutiny where they killed a character and then had the same actress in the next scene as someone else, which caused a lot of jokes to be made.
 
Anyway, Amphitryon now controls Argos and we will never see it again. His wife Queen Alcmene is not happy with her husband’s bloodlust on wanting to continue to conquer kingdoms.
 

I Guess I Should Mention That They Already Have A Son In Iphicles
 
Amphitryon doesn’t give a crap and doesn’t believe in the Gods so Alcmene goes to a temple with her assistant Chiron.
 

There, she prays for the Gods to find a way to stop her husband’s bloodlust. The oracle at this temple then gets possessed by the Queen of the Gods Hera.
 

Now if you remember Hera, she hates that her husband Zeus sleeps around and creates demigods so she has at several times tried to get these demigods killed as a “Screw You” to Zeus for his screwing. So let me basically do an abridged version of this conversation.
 
Hera: Hey, Alcmene…..um, my husband Zeus wants to have sex with you and give you a baby. Even though I don’t like this, I gotta do what Zeus says so would you please have sex with my husband? I promise you a son that will defeat Amphitryon one day.
Alcmene: I guess I can do that.
Hera: Okay…..His Name Is Hercules By The Way
Alcmene: What about Heracles As That Is More Greek
Hera: No….Hercules! *Goes to cry*
 
Yeah, this movie has no respect for Hera whatsoever so we then see Alcmene have sex with someone who we presume is Zeus, under the sheets.
 

I See We Are Trying To Make Some Of This Artsy Fartsy
 
Amphitryon comes in with some random woman who he was going to have sex with and is not happy that someone is shtupping his wife so he pulls the covers, prepared to kill the SOB, but no one is there.
 

My Wife Has Been Fucked By The Invisible Man? Damn You, Griffin!!!!!
 
He goes mad, kills a random woman, and demands his soldiers find the man who had sex with his wife. Suddenly a thunderbolt strikes down and it starts to rain so Amphitryon can kind of guess and he isn’t happy.
 

You May See Amphitryon Trying To Challenge Zeus, But I See The Actor Scott Adkins Found And Smoked Some Good Shit
 
Immediately afterwards Alcmene gives birth to a baby boy and Amphitryon tells her that the baby’s name will be Alcides and that he will never be heir to the throne.
 

Bastard….And Unlike In Mythology, No Snakes Will Not Be Trying To Kill You
 
So 20 years later, we see Alcides/Hercules riding off somewhere with the Princess of Crete named Hebe.
 

And we already see that Kellan Lutz is freaking terrible as he (as Alcides/Hercules) tries to say that he loves Hebe and the actress playing Hebe (Gaia Weiss) isn’t doing that much better. Anyway, they have some fun in the nearby cove. She even gives Alcides her pendant that was given to her by her mother.
 

Okay, let’s talk about Hebe for a minute in mythology. You see in mythology, Hebe is an actual goddess (Goddess Of Youth) and the daughter of Zeus and Hera. She is the youngest of all the Gods and is the divine wife of Heracles/Hercules (actually his fourth wife) and this only happens after Hercules dies in the mortal world (he was poisoned by his third wife, which is a fun bit of cruel irony as Hercules had a bit of the rage (bought on by Hera) and killed his first two wives) She bears him two kids and not much is known about those kids.
 
Their fun gets interrupted by Iphicles, who is not happy about them disappearing somewhere.
 

So let’s talk about Iphicles and Heracles (who is Hercules’ Greek name (but I’ve already covered the BS of that). You see Heracles/Hercules was always portrayed as a braggart who has gone psycho (thanks to Hera being pissed at him) and killed women and children. Iphicles was actually a nice guy who always respected his half-brother and was friendly to him even after Heracles/Hercules kills Iphicles’ two kids. Yeah…..Iphicles is a fucking saint. So in this movie, Iphicles is evil.
 
So Iphicles sends Hebe back to her father as he rides with Alcides. They run into the Nemean Lion.
 

Alcides gets knocked out Hercules attacks the lion. He kills the lion by strangling it to death while Iphicles just stands there.
 

We then cut to later on at Amphitryon’s palace, where Iphicles as the lion’s hide as a gift and says that he killed the lion all by himself. He even says that Alcides ran and hid while he killed the beast.
 

What A Dick…
 
Neither Hebe nor Alcmene believe this boast, but they don’t really challenge it either. Amphitryon believes it and then makes an announcement that he and the King Tallas of Crete have made a deal for peace between them.
 

This agreement of peace will culminate in the Harvest Moon with the marriage of Amphitryon’s son Iphicles to Tallas’ daughter Hebe.
 

These Two Arent Happy And Give A….
 

Dull Surprise!!!
 
Hebe runs away and Alcides follows her. Amphitryon scolds his son for just allowing it to happen and embarrassing him. Alcides catches up with Hebe and they attempt to. A chase occurs and Hebe nearly drowns, but Alcides saves her. Unfortunately for them, they are immediately captured by Iphicles and the soldiers.
 

Meanwhile, Amphitryon is talking with Captain Sotiris.
 

Apparently, there is an uprising somewhere and Sotiris and his men are to deal with them. Originally, it was supposed to be 160 men, but Amphitryon decides that Sotiris can only take half because he is young.
 

He’s Probably Thinking “If Someone Calls Me Spartacus Again, I Will Kick Their Ass”
 
Iphicles comes back with Alcides and they are not happy with what Alcides and Hebe tried to do. Amphitryon then says that Iphicles is worried that Alcides might have taken Hebe’s maidenhood and wants Alcides to ease his worries. Alcides then says that it is none of Iphicles’ business. Iphicles is mad and attacks Alcides, who breaks Iphicles hand. Alcides is then told that he will be joining Sotiris to deal with this uprising and he doesn’t care if he lives.
 
In his room, Alcmene tells Alcides that he is destined for more than to be a warrior for Amphitryon and it doesn’t matter about Hebe, but Alcides only cares about Hebe and says he has no other purpose. Alcmene then reveals Alcides real name is Hercules and that he is the son of Zeus, meant to stop Amphitryon’s reign of terror. Alcides doesn’t believe any of this and goes to battle with Sotiris to stop this uprising.
 

Hebe yells that she wants Alcides to return and he promises that he will return and be the one to marry her instead of Iphicles. They go on a journey and while on a ship, Sotiris reveals that Amphitryon halved his company and he thinks they are being led to the slaughter. The journey continues until they set up camp. The next day, Sotiris sent out scouts and they hadn’t heard back from them so they and some volunteers decide to see what’s up. They immediately find the scouts.
 

They then go back to camp and well…
 

Admiral Ackbar, If You Please?
 

It’s A Trap!!!!
 
Sure enough, the soldiers of the enemy surround them.
 

The slaughter begins and only Alcides and Sotiris survive to be captured. The leader of the enemy named Tarak shows up and demands to know where Alcides is.
 

Hi, I Am Not Here To Do “That Thing You Do”. Don’t Even Ask!!!
 
Sotiris lies and says Alcides is among the dead. Tarak then tells his soldiers to take the helmet of Alcides back to the king, revealing that this was all a fake uprising cooked up by Amphitryon as a way to kill Alcides so Iphicles has no challenge to the throne. Tarak then asks Alcides for his name and he says his name is Hercules. Tarak is impressed by Sotiris and Hercules’ fighting caliber and has them branded and sent to be slaves for gladiator battles in Egypt.
 

Meanwhile in Tiryns, a funeral is done for Alcides, who everyone there believes is dead.
 

Hebe Is Very Sad.
 
After they get branded, Alcides reveals that his plan is for them eventually to impress in these gladiatorial games and be set free. Alcides says he has to live and go home as he has a marriage to stop while Sotiris has a wife and son to go home to. For the rest of this movie, I will be using Alcides’ real name Hercules.
 
Back in Tiryns, Iphicles is upset as he feels Alcmene cares more about her dead son Alcides than him. She says he has won himself a fine bride, but Iphicles wants a wife just like her and his father. Alcmene says that Amphitryon only won her but for a brief moment so brief that she doesn’t even remember it. She tells Iphicles that this is what he has won, a marriage that the wife doesn’t want, but that he will have to accept.
 
We then go to the gladiatorial games and I know that in Greece, gladiatorial games did not happen as that was Roman. Greece had wrestling, archery, and other events, but fights to the death for sport did NOT occur (even in Sparta). But, that stuff did happen in Egypt (or Syria) where Hercules and Sotiris are at and it was kind of like this.
 

But something I will bring up is the lack of body hair on everyone. Sadly, that is for a specific reason and that is because the filmmakers, for some reason unbeknownst to me, shot this movie with cameras meant to shoot films in 3D and Renny Harlin, again for some reason unbeknownst to me, thinks that body hair on people doesn’t translate well in 3D. So historical inaccuracy of everyone having no body hair.
 
Sotiris wins his fight, but thinks they are still doomed. Hercules promises him that they will find a way to freedom and then goes and wins his fight.
 

Back in Tiryns, Alcmene prays to the Gods and Amphitryon shows up. She asks Amphitryon how Alcides died and Amphitryon reveals that he had Alcides killed. But he wants to know how Alcides found life and demands she not deny that Alcides was not his son. Alcmene says that she will more than happily not deny it and reveals that his father is Zeus. She then tries to kill Amphitryon, but he stops her.
 

She says that he is doomed since he murdered the son of the God of Gods. Amphitryon doesn’t take this well and kills Alcmene.
 

Chiron sees all of this and Amphitryon just tells him that in her grief, the queen has ended her own life.
 

Back at the cages, Lucius (the slaveowner of both Hercules and Sotiris) congratulates them for making him lots of money.
 

Hercules and Sotiris then tells Lucius about an idea of an event in Greece (I would like to add that GREECE DIDN’T HAVE GLADIATOR EVENTS) where they have 2 gladiators fight 6 Greek champions and if the 2 gladiators win, they get their freedom and otherwise they die. The fights are apparently worth a lot of money so it is a win-win for Lucius. Lucius says he will consider that idea, but they need to beat two other guys to get that right in Sicily.
 

Their Names Are Half-Face And Humbaba (Who Has Hair Even Coolio Wouldn’t Be Caught Dead In).
 

RIP Coolio….That Was Not Meant As An Insult To You
 
And I have to say…..this is an interesting arena with small higher levels so you have to fight and watch your balance or you will fall into the pit of spikes and die.
 

Don’t Know How Historically Accurate It Is Though?
 
Sotiris gets injured, but Hercules is able to kill both Half-Face and Humbaba.
 

With Sotiris wounded, Lucius considers backing out of the deal. Hercules then makes a new deal that he will fight for both of them (Sotiris will go free anyway) against the 6 champs and if he wins, they both go free.
 
They travel to Greece and Chiron is accosted by Sotiris, who tells him that Alcides is still alive and now going by Hercules. He is also fighting at the gladiator games so the two go to see. The battle occurs as some of the champs are even women.
 

I Guess Greece Was Progressive In Gladiator Games. Oh Wait….Gladiator Games Didn’t Happen In Greece So This Is All BS.
 
Oh by the way, Sotiris, Chiron and two other Greeks watch the fight from a freaking cliff.
 

How The Hell Are They Supposed To Be Able To See Anything Going On From Up There.
 
At the fight, Hercules kills the champs one by one (including the one who also played Galenus earlier).
 

Gotta Interupt The Killings Because...

Oh Wait….Nevermind About Earlier, They Are At The Arena
 
Anyway, back to the killings.
 

Actually The Woman Doesn’t Die, But Is Trapped In The Net……Which Should Mean The Fight Continues, But Really….I’m Done With This Shit.
 
Hercules wins and earns his freedom. He is immediately met by Chiron, who bows and is happy for his return. Chiron says he will find a way to reunite Hercules with Hebe and then has the unfortunate task of telling Hercules that his mother got killed by his father. He also gets news from one of the other soldiers that there is great mistrust in Amphitryon after the fake mission and the king is trying to squeeze as much resources from the people as possible. Oh and he will have to kill Iphicles as well since he is completely by his father’s side in all the evil stuff done. And Chiron gives Hercules the blade that killed his mother.
 

Definitely A Chekov’s Gun
 
We then go to soldiers for Amphitryon seizing lands from peasants.
 

Hercules and friends attack and defeat these assholes.
 

The villagers are happy that Hercules has saved them. And they even call Hercules a god, which if you know Greek or Roman mythology is bullshit as he is a demigod (half god, half mortal) and only becomes a full god after his death. Hercules even says that he is just a man. Hercules then sends the assholes back to Amphitryon with a message that he has returned and is coming for his head.
 
Back with Amphitryon who got the message and Iphicles is there as well. They are not happy that the son he thought was dead and the general he sent to die as well, are still alive. Meanwhile, Hercules and friends set up camp at the house of the woman who got possessed by Hera.
 

Nice House
 
She reveals that yeah, he is the son of Zeus. She also says that his destiny will be more than just this one adventure. She says that he must accept who he is and only then will he gain the power that he was born with. He has issues since this supposed father did not help him during the ambush or when his mother was murdered. At night, Iphicles shows his creepy side as he watches Hebe sleep and tells her that she will accept him as her husband.
 

I Know A Woman Who Might Find That Rather Hot. Don’t Know Why…
 
She wakes up and tries to reason with Iphicles that the Gods do not want this marriage, but Iphicles is too far evil to care. Hebe is about to kill herself, but is stopped by Chiron, who reveals that her true love is still alive and takes her to him. She and her love Alcides/Hercules reunite at the pond they hung out at.
 

They sleep together.
 

There Goes That Maidenhood
 
It’s at this point you realize that Renny Harlin and crew were definitely hoping to get that Young Adult/Twilight audience into this film because you know, Twilight made money. So many other films have tried and few have truly succeeded. I think I know a few that may one day be future inductions.
 
Tarak and his soldiers arrive at Tiryns and Amphitryon confronts him on the fact that Alcides/Hercules and Sotiris are still freaking alive.
 

It Should Be Noted That Jonathan Schaech Worked Long And Hard To Have A Good Body For The Time He Was Shirtless And Found Out At Filming That He Would Always Be Dressed In Heavy Armor So No One Could Ever See His Hard Work.
 
Tarak says he will fix his mistake and we then go to Sotiris, who comes home to surprise his wife and son about still being alive. Just one problem…
 

His Wife Is Dead, He Gets Captured, And To Save His Son, He Has To Give Up The Location Of Hercules And His Friends’ Base
 
Next scene, Hercules and friends get captured and Hebe is returned to Iphicles.
 

That Was Quick
 
We then go to the public whipping of Hercules.
 

Hercules main comrades Sotiris and Chiron are put in front of Hercules so he can watch them to die by Iphicles’ hand before Hercules is finally killed. Well, that is the plan and Hercules tries to plead with Iphicles for their lives. Iphicles is unmoved and killed Chiron first.
 

This pisses off Hercules, who finally accepts who he is and is given the strength to get out of his binds and now has two blocks to whirl around and kill soldiers while Amphitryon and Iphicles run like cowards back to Tiryns.
 

Hercules mourns over the death of Chiron and vows to avenge his death. Also men arrive to go to battle for Hercules. So now that Hercules and Sotiris is free and they have an actual army, Hercules gives a speech that isn’t worth repeating because I’ll be honest, Kellan Lutz is rather boring as Hercules.
 

I Swear, Even Van Damme As Guile In Street Fighter Gives A Better Rallying Speech Than This Guy
 
We then go to Tiryns where they try to marry Hebe to Iphicles. Unfortunately for them, the marriage is stopped by Hercules and his forces’ arrival. Amphitryon shows up with his soldiers and reveals a trap he has lain for them.
 

Yep…A Flame Barrier For Amphitryon While Tarak And His Men Surround The Other Soldiers.
 
Hercules tries to do the same thing Amphitryon did earlier with a one on one duel where the winner gets both armies, but Amphitryon is a coward and says no. Zeus then makes his presence known and has a lightning bolt strike Hercules’ sword, giving him a lightning whip.
 

I Think Castlevania Might Sue Someone
 
Tarak and his men are killed and rain takes down that flame barrier so once again, Amphitryon runs. Hercules then confronts Amphitryon in his throne room and something that Amphitryon hasn’t done since the beginning happens as he actually fights.
 

I Mean Seriously…..You Hire Scott Adkins To Be This Major Character In This Movie And You Only Use His Skills As A Fighter In Movies To Fight TWICE!!!!! What A Waste!!!
 
Anyway, it’s a decent fight with swords and axes thanks mostly to Scott Adkins knowing how to do a fight, but ultimately Hercules puts his father to the ground. However, before he has a chance to finish it, Iphicles comes in with a knife to Hebe and orders Hercules to release his father.
 

Hercules releases Amphitryon, but then Hebe grabs the dagger and stabs herself, which also stabs and kills Iphicles.
 

Hercules screams over this event, but Amphitryon continues the battle with a two-bladed sword. Hercules eventually knocks his father down and uses the dagger that Amphitryon killed Alcmene with to kill his father in a huge bit of irony for the dead father.
 

Hercules then goes to mourn over Hebe, but she isn’t dead.
 

Yeah, Not Even Going To Pretend This Doesn’t End Happily For Them
 
Now we go to 9 months or longer as now Hercules and Hebe rule over Tiryns and have a son.
 

And as Hercules looks over his kingdom and then up at the sky, this movie finally ends.
 
So let’s talk about the aftermath of this movie. I’m probably going to surprise no one who heard me call this an attempt at a Young Adult version of Hercules and say this movie was a complete box office bomb. This movie didn’t even make it’s budget back as with a budget of $70 million, this movie only made $61.3 million. Critically, it was even worse as it has a 5% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes with an even bad audience score of 33%. The consensus is that it was cheap looking, poorly acted, and dull. So yeah, not a success. Meanwhile, the Hercules movie with the Rock (while not great) did much better financially (it was an actual hit) and with critics. So yeah, this was the loser of the Hercules Battle of 2014.
 
As far as the cast, there isn’t much to say. Kellan Lutz (who played Alcides/Hercules) has this and the failure of Expendables 3 to reveal that yeah, he really had no shot of being a leading man of any renown. Not much happened with others except for Scott Adkins who still stars in straight to DVD action movies and also gets in makeup and a fat suit for a bigger movie like John Wick 4.
 

He Fights In That, By The Way
 
Thankfully, no one has passed away so we can move on to my thoughts. As I stated in the subtitle, this is probably the most boring Hercules movie I have ever seen. While Renny does decently in fights between 1-4 people, much of this movie is with dialogue and large battles and that is where this movie fails a lot in. Many of the actors are very dull and much of the bigger battles just aren’t important. Scott Adkins tries his best, but even he cannot save what little action he is given as he has to try his best Gerard Butler as Leonidas impression and well, it’s not great if the guy barely fights. Hercules movies always need a Hercules with a personality as Hercules is boisterous and egotistical while being strong, and as I have hinted many times, Kellan Lutz has the personality of a wet paper bag. And honestly, most of the sets seem rather cheap and lifeless as for most of the movie, I thought for most of the movie, everything was in Argos, except then I realize that this is supposed to be a different place called Tiryns, but you wouldn’t really know the difference based on how sets are done. I’m just thankful I no longer ever have to watch this movie ever again.
 
As for my next induction, it is going to be my choice and I have decided that since there is a new Godzilla movie coming out, I should do a Godzilla movie and not just any Godzilla movie, but one that I’ve been thinking of doing for a while. You see, while Godzilla was much beloved nowadays and would never be tried to be named something else when it was always a Godzilla movie…..surprisingly, that was not always the case as some dumbass producers decided that even though they have the rights to release a Godzilla movie, the monster in the movie should not be called Godzilla so they can make their own films. Yeah, I know that is confusing, but it did happen. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you my final induction of the year.
 

Gigantis, The Fire Monster