Monster
Crap Inductee: Shark Island (AKA Shark Week)
Don’t
Make The Discovery Channel Laugh
2012
Well,
I’m kind of shocked this movie won in my poll since after doing 2 Headed Shark
Attack, you all decided I should do another killer shark movie by the same
studio and directed by the same guy. Also, this was released the same freaking
year. However, this one has more of an interesting idea of an insane guy
kidnapping people and having them go through different types of sharks if they
want to survive. It’s almost as if Jigsaw from the Saw franchise had a love for
using sharks in his game.
I
Have More Creativity Than That. Plus The Places I Hide People Are Not Places
Where I Can Also Hide A Shark.
So
because this is the same director as the last induction, I will spare you any
info on him because quite honestly, you can just read the last induction to
know about him. However, this cast is completely different so we can talk about
them. We first have our lead villain played by Patrick Bergin, who you might
know as Julia Robert’s evil husband in Sleeping With The Enemy or the Irish
terrorist in Patriot Games.
His
partner in this whole sadistic game is played by Yancy Butler, who you might
know as Detective Sara “Pez” Pezzini in Witchblade.
No,
That Is The Anime That Was Made Afterwards.
Yeah,
That Version
I
Will Also Mention That Both Shows Are Based On The Image Comics Character
Before The Nerds Get On Me For This.
Everyone
else in this film is somebody that is not really worth mentioning here except
for one other Monster Crap alumni that is in this film in Frankie Cullen.
With
that out of the way, let’s get to the induction itself.
We
begin with….
The
Title Card Immediately
We
then go to a guy who is chained up in front of a swimming pool.
He
yells out for a man named Tiburon and we meet Tiburon.
Ah
Yes…..Tiburon Is Spanish For Shark
Anyway,
the guy in chains is a man who tried to kill Tiburon at a conference under the
orders of the drug cartel (which cartel is never answered). Apparently, Tiburon
buried something that the cartel built for years and they are definitely after
his ass. The guy warns Tiburon that they’ll find him again so he better get his
house in order. Tiburon has a game for this guy to play and that is find the
key that he just threw in the pool that will remove his chains, but he has 15
seconds to find it before something bad happens. This guy doesn’t know what the
bad thing is, but we do.
A
Shark….
After
hesitation, the guy goes in and thinks he has won because he found the key.
However, he forgot to get his ass out of the pool so he loses and the shark eats
his ass.
Tiburon
laughs and says it was not very manly what happened. We go to Los Angeles,
California…
Two
thugs come up to a guy at a bar.
The
guy fights them and they inject his ass with some sort of tranquilizer.
They
then take him away. Same thing happens in Malibu to this middle aged lady.
Same
thing happens in Echo Park to this drug addict
At
Culver City, a man in his hotel bed is tranquilized.
The
bad guys kidnap this guy in Venice Beach.
Oh
God….They Need Me For Another Porn Film
In
Long Beach, they take a guy despite his best attempts to fight them off.
Then
we go back to Tiburon’s island where they and a few others were captured and we
find out their names.
Bart
“Holt” Harris
Cal
Wilson
Reagan
Wakefield
Layla
Valesquez
Roger
Marshall
Francine
Elliot
Frankie
De Vicchi
And
Peter Arnarson
Cal
introduces himself to Reagan and when asked where they are, he says he doesn’t
know. They then all meet Tiburon.
Who
In A Probable Improv By The Actor, Places The Harmonica Before Coming Down The
Steps To Introduce Himself
We
also meet his partner Elena.
No,
She Will Not Be Showing You Her Witchblade. Stop Asking!!!
We
then get to hear Tiburon’s evil monologue and it’s really over the top in a bad
way. He explains that none of them are here by chance and they are here because
of their actions. He tells them that they are about to play a game.
Stop
Ripping Off My Ideas
Roger
decides to talk and says whatever Tiburon thinks he did, there is no way that
he deserves to die. Tiburon doesn’t appreciate this interruption and has him
pushed into the pool so he gets eaten by the sharks in there.
But
not just any sharks….they are…
Baby
Sharks…Doo Doo Doo Doo
This
hurts in the fact that throughout the film, we will find out how these people
are connected and why Tiburon wants them dead. But this guy…..no clue.
Maybe
Tiburon And Elena Just Wanted A Random Kill To Show They Were Serious
Oh
And We’ll Get This Bullshit Screen Too Every Time Someone Dies So Get Used To
It.
Tiburon
continues talking about the baby sharks and how as babies they are still more
independent than humans 20 times their age. Holt says that they are just
garbage of the sea and Elena corrects him by saying they are predatory
perfection. We then find out that this pool is a gateway to the outside parts
of the island and that pathway is going to be filled with obstacles as each
day, they are going to encounter a different type of species of shark and if
they kill that shark, they can advance to the next one and if they survive all
of them, they will be able to leave.
Francine
calls him sick and Elena tells her not to call him that again or she will cut
out her tongue. Cal then asks if he wanted to kill them, why did he bring them
here. Tiburon’s response is that revenge is like a fine wine as if they have
it, why not linger over it. He says that if they play, they might live. But if
they don’t, they will definitely die. Elena reveals that one of the pups has
the key to the gateway that they can escape through so they are going to have
to get it from them. They are all pushed into the pool and the game begins.
Cal
finds the key and opens the gateway that they all escape through a underwater
tunnel and into another dark room, but somehow the baby sharks do not follow.
They
get to a place and they decide to rest until morning. Meanwhile. Tiburon wants
to watch what happens via his cameras all over the island. Elena wants to watch
too, but Tiburon tells her to leave as this is for him alone, saying this is
not a game. But he did say earlier that it was a game and unfortunately, this
movie is not going to be any easier as this movie really hates consistency,
The
next day, he also has speakers all over the island too so he tells them good
morning. The kidnapped victims also find out that the key they got also
unlocked all of their chains so they can move around. Holt wants to know who
that lunatic was and they all realize that Tiburon is a drug trafficker. Holt
then reveals that they will be fine as he planned in case he got kidnapped and
had a RFID chip put in his shoulder so if he ever doesn’t make it somewhere,
the authorities will always know where he is. Unfortunately for him, there are
two problems with that idea. The first is that an RFID chip only works short
range and would be useless to rescue a kidnapping victim. The second and more
crucial to this movie is his shoulder is bleeding so apparently the bad guys
removed the chip while he was under so it could be somewhere else while he is
here.
We
immediately find out that Reagan is a reporter for a news show and Peter is an
EMT. They have to move forward, but Frankie says that everyone should hold on
to their shackles since they should use all that they have to get through this.
Cal says that ancient Hawaiians used to drown sharks and the way to do it is to
hold them in place because their gills need them to be moving at all times.
Frankie adds that they can also pull it backwards as that will work just as
well.
They
go through the path and find a box. It is locked with a combination lock so the
key wont work, but the key has a number and that proves to be the combination
for the lock. Inside the box are a first aid kit, sandwiches, and bottled
water.
They
rest, eat, and drink while Peter patches up their wounds. We find out that Holt
is a federal prosecutor and Francine is a judge. We then find out that they
busted Tiburon’s son, who was killed at a canyon. Cal was there as he was an
undercover police officer and Peter was the EMT who tried to treat him, but
sadly failed as he was already dead when he got there. So yes, they all in some
way are connected to Tiburon’s son’s death. Holt is upset as he thinks Cal is
giving orders, but Cal isn’t. While watching, Tiburon drinks shark’s blood.
The
victims walk down a path that unfortunately caves in thanks to Tiburon’s
machinations.
Tiburon
Might As Well Be A Bond Villain With This BS
They
land in an underwater pond, which is where Tiberon basically talks about how
the reason most shark attacks happen in 3 feet of water is that is where the
food is. Our victims decide that they are going to use those shackles they have
kept to create a long chain link rope which they will use to capture and drown
the damn shark, And if you are wondering what kind of shark it is…
It’s
A Hammerhead Shark
The
Hammerhead immediate attacks and kills Peter.
This
Is The Best I Could Get…..This Was Way Too Dark And The Camera Is Too Shaky To
Get Something Better
While
the shark is killing Peter, the rest of the victims decide to tie the chain
around the shark’s tail. They pull the shark back and it drowns.
No
Actual Animals Were Harmed In The Making Of This Film As They Are All CGI
Cal
gets pissed at yells for Tiburon to hear that Peter was completely innocent in
the death of his son as he actually tried to save his son, but Tiburon doesn’t
give one care whatsoever. He then opens the gate so they can all leave that
underwater pond.
Oh
and Somehow Frankie Has Wiring. Must Have Been In His Ass Because It Never
Showed Up Before.
And
that computer screen shows up to say that Peter is dead.
Our
victims eventually find another spot to relax and now they are eating fruit.
While looking for something to crack them open, Frankie finds a knife attached
to a tree.
This
does not help Frankie as they were already suspicious of him and now that he
has a knife, that suspicion is higher. Now that they have a weapon, Layla
thinks they can fight Tiburon instead of the sharks, but because Frankie used
to work for Tiburon, he knows that Tiburon has an army on this island. We also
know that Frankie loved Tiburon’s son like a brother, but we still don’t know
why Frankie is here. They also decide to sharpen some sticks so they all have
weapons. Tiburon seeing this laughs as he knows those sticks can’t pierce the
skin of a shark. Holt keeps being pessimistic and thinking they are all going
to die so Frankie tells him to take the knife and cut his wrist if he thinks it
is that hopeless. That stops Holt in his tracks. Layla volunteers to be bait as
she says she is a bad person and deserves to be here. Francine tells her that
no one deserves this. Holt then has an idea and asks to borrow the knife. He
then goes back to the underwater pond and cuts up some shark teeth from the
dead Hammerhead. He thinks that may help with the pointy sticks as well.
They
all rest and we see that Cal and Reagan may end up falling for each other. Tiburon
then wakes everyone up through the speakers. He tells them that they will have
to go into another cave to deal with the next shark. Cal then decides to do
“something stupid” (his words, not mine….although I agree it is dumb) as he
borrows the knife so he can cut his hand and attack the shark straight up while
the others sneak behind the shark. Francine then says a line that made me
laugh.
Francine:
Hell?
I’m With Stupid.
She
joins in helping Cal try to lure the shark away from the rest of the group. And
if you are wondering what shark they are dealing with, don’t bother as they
never answer. Cal jumps in and tries to tangle with the shark. Again, it is so
dark and the camera is shaky that I can’t really get a good picture, but
needless to say that Francine is the one to die here.
The
rest of the group worries about Cal being dead too, but he is not as he comes
up.
He
hands the knife back to Frankie. Despite never seeing them kill the shark, they
move on to the next level as Francine gets put as dead on the computer screen.
So yeah, this movie is just making rules up as it goes along.
The
victims find another place to rest as Tiburon watches. The next day, they
continue on the path. They find a boat, but….
No
Way That Boat Is Going To Work
So
the next challenge actually has nothing to do with sharks as instead, they have
to go through a goddamn minefield.
Making
Up Bullshit As They Go Along
They
try to go through the minefield and most make it no problem, but Holt
accidentally steps on a mine.
But
it is one of those mines that only blows up after the pressure of your foot
stepping on it is gone so they find a way to keep Holt alive while the mines
blows up and they have to run through them.
Thankfully,
No One Else Steps On A Mine Which I Find Really Implausible
As
they go further up, we find out that Frankie was supposed to be the one doing
the deal at the canyon, but got drunk and Tiburon’s son went in his stead to
the doomed meet-up. We also find out Layla was a junkie and when she got in
trouble, she was the one who pointed them towards this drug deal to get out of
trouble. Tiburon congratulates them through the speakers as they connected the
dots as to why he wants revenge on all of them. He then tells them to go to the
next shark. And this shark….
Is
In Another Cave!!
Oh,
but the repetitiveness of this whole thing is not the worst part. Wait until
you hear what Tiburon says,
Tiburon:
It’s
not even the Tiger Shark’s size that is its most intimidating attribute. Tiger
Sharks, more so than any others, truly have the tastes for humans. They crave
us. They will actually swim in fresh water just to get us. If there was ever a
maneater, it’s the Tiger Shark.
*breathes*
If
you know anything about sharks and their species, you would know that what he
just said about Tiger Sharks and freshwater is TOTAL BULLSHIT!!!!!! Tiger
Sharks can’t survive in fresh water. The shark that actually can go into
freshwater is the freaking BULL SHARK!!! To the two people who wrote this, Liz
Adams and H. Perry Horton, you get a F for this script. You have a villain who
is supposed to be obsessed with sharks…and then you make him get wrong
something that any elementary school kid who knows about sharks should freaking
tell you.
Congratulations
Movie, You Are Unabashedly Dumber Than A Fifth Grader.
I
sadly have to get back to this movie before I try to track every version of
this movie and destroy it with a damn hammer. Cal has an idea and it is a dumb
idea.
Cal
Had A Stupendously Dumb Idea
He
grabbed one of the mines from the minefield and he has the others lock hands
with him so he can put this mine in the shark’s mouth and blow it up while he
is able to get away unharmed. Well, that was the plan, but because Layla is the
lightest, she decides to be the one holding the mine to lure the shark into
eating it. The shark pulls Layla in the water. Layla goes to a stalactite and
waits for the shark to eat her as the others get away.
The
Shark Eats Layla And The Mine
While
eating her, Layla hugs the mine so it explodes.
So
Layla and the Tiger Shark are dead.
The
remaining four are saddened by this death as Tiburon and Elena watch. Elena is
upset that this seems to easy for them and Tiburon explains that everyone needs
hope, even if it is false hope. While outside, Frankie finds a harpoon buried
in the sand.
Tiburon
explains that if they pass this next challenge, they will be rewarded with a
boat. I guess they have to kill the next shark, but they never really explain
so the four victims go into the water. A shark comes up and both Cal and
Frankie go to work trying to kill the shark (Frankie with the harpoon and Cal
with the knife).
Unfortunately,
this is where Frankie (the most interesting character up to this point) dies
kind of offscreen. The shark bites his leg (something Frankie tells us), we
never see Frankie go underwater, and all we see is red blood in the sea.
Holt
then decides to be a real coward and pushes Reagan into the path of the shark
as he tries to run away. Sadly for Holt, the shark just goes by Reagan and
kills him.
Yeah,
I Saw What You Did. I’m Going To Kill You For Being Such A Piece Of Shit.
Cal
and Reagan then get out of the water and I guess the challenge is over. No,
they did not kill the shark in any way.
Yeah,
Only Two Remain
While
watching, Elena responds with a line that makes no sense unless this is just to
tell you they were dealing with Bull Sharks.
Elena:
Well,
you know what they say. You mess with the bull, and you get the horns.
Cal
and Reagan rest on some rocks and Reagan says that she does not want to die.
Cal says he will not let that happen.
And
They Kiss…
Tiburon
goes back to playing his harmonica and says that we come to the final act (the
final challenge). Wait a minute…..
*counts
the sharks challenges these victim have had to deal with*
That’s
only 6 shark challenges!!!! Your movie was called Shark Week originally and
your tagline was 7 days, 7 sharks, 1 survivor. SIX IS NOT SEVEN!!!!! So not
only can you not tell which shark can actually go into fresh water, you also
can’t even freaking count. You can’t count that guy at the beginning because he
wasn’t part of the game. This movie is such a fucking lie that it already is
the worst killer shark movie I have ever inducted onto this site.
Yes,
This Movie Deserves To Die And I Hope It Burns In Hell
So
our two victims find the boat and….
Oh
That Boat Isn’t Doing Shit
So
they have to ride on this boat, but their final challenge is the Great White
Shark which can totally destroy that boat. Cal then decides that while they
will make it, but not together as he jumps out of the boat to be bait for
Reagan to get away. She begs Cal not to do this, but Cal is insistent that this
is the only way. Oh and now they have to get back to shore so this was like a
freaking back and forth race. Cal fights the Great White and comes back up
thinking he has won. But no, the shark knocks both of them overboard. Long
story short after that, Cal gets eaten and Reagan is able to make it back to
shore.
But
is Reagan really done? Oh no, because Elena tells her that she hates this whole
game and wanted to kill all of them immediately with a bullet to the head. She
tries to kill Reagan.
We
get a bit of a catfight here and Reagan wants to kill her with a harpoon.
Reagan dodges and is able to dodge enough so Elena steps on a mine.
Yep…..She
Dead
Reagan
grabs the harpoon and confronts Tiburon on the rocks. She tells him the game is
over, he is not getting off this island, and she killed his whore. He says that
whores are replaceable and that they killed his only son. He then says that he
vowed revenge and he got it. He tells her that they are a hundred miles south
of Key West, which she explains is international waters.
Actually….You
Would Be In Cuban Waters. Not International Waters Where There Is No Law.
Tiburon
tries to get her to take one of his yachts as she has earned her freedom, but
Reagan decides that Tiburon should get a harpoon through the chest.
Add
Insult To Fatal Injury With The Willhelm Scream And Getting Eaten By A Shark
After Falling Into The Water.
Reagan
walks away with a smile as this movie mercifully ends.
Since
this was a Straight To SyFy film, there is no real aftermath on how the movie
did. And I would like to say the director learned something from this movie and
I think that is not work with those writers again. No one did anything notable
after this movie and no one died so the aftermath of this movie is very small.
Let’s
get to the final thoughts on this film and I can’t even hide that I HATE this
movie. Have I seen more boring shark movies in my life? Yes. But have I seen
movies piss me off this much after watching this? Oh hell no. Also, I remember
why I was not as harsh on 2 Headed Shark Attack back in 2012. It was because
THIS came out a few days later and this was one I was more than pissed off for.
The performances are between over the top in a bad way (Patrick Bergin) or lifeless
“I just want to get this done with” (Yancy Butler). The CGI is absolutely
terrible and this movie makes huge mistakes in facts and telling the story they
promised you. There are only 6 shark challenges and only 6 days. The rules of
each game are first explain and then later on forgotten about. And the worst
part is this is still not in the Top 10 of worst movies I have ever inducted
onto the site, but it definitely is Top 20. Also isn’t even the worst Asylum
film I inducted (Transmorphers still has that dishonor). This movie took an
interesting Saw plus sharks idea and destroyed it with incompetence.
So
with that thankfully out of the way, I can now get to the Summer of Bob (who
won the Monster Crap NFL Pick’Em) so let’s see what he first chose for me.
A
Movie Made By A Kid When He Was 16 In 1979 And Only Had A $400 Budget
