Monster Crap Inductee: Alien Opponent (2010)

Monster Crap Inductee: Alien Opponent

More Like Alien Vs. Dumbasses

2010

It seems we have a formula for Gus’ inductions this year. First is a boring movie and then a movie that will piss me off. Rinse and repeat for the next two. You see Gappa: The Triphibian Monster was rather boring and then Flesh Wounds pissed me off. Lost Continent was rather boring and wouldn’t you know it, Alien Opponent pisses me off. Heck, I knew Alien Opponent was going to piss me off before it was even given to me as an induction because I have seen this movie before and I remember it back then pissing me off. Watching it again for this induction….only very little has changed, but I will get into that very little later.

The only things I can really say about the making of Alien Opponent is this was obviously cheaply made (and the director’s commentary confirms such) and that this was a film that was going to go straight to Chiller. Yeah, not even SyFy wanted to premiere this film. Chiller was a channel that was made by Comcast through NBC Universal and this was going to be their planned horror channel as in the late 2000s-early 2010s, several of these horror channels like FearNet were in existence. Unfortunately because you probably have never heard of this channel until now, you know that this shit died down and only really survives as digital channels on Rokus, AppleTVs, or Chromecast. I’m sure there are others that exist, but I don’t have all day.

So yeah, Chiller was a really low budget movie that was being directed by Colin Theys and this was Colin’s second full feature film as he already made in 2008’s Banshee.

Which I May Have To Look At Somewhere Down The Road Because The Plot Sounds A Bit Like Hobgoblins With People Getting Killed By A Creature That Can Use Sound To Make Hallucinations.

However, unlike Banshee, this film was somehow able to get two names in former Party of Five and Seventh Heaven star Jeremy London and former wrestler and star of They Live in Roddy Piper.

You Might Also Remember Roddy Piper From Pro Wrestlers Vs. Zombies

We have another Monster Crap alum in this film like Grady Justice (who was an Army Ranger in Bats (1999)).

And that’s all we have so let’s get to the movie.

We begin with the opening title card.

Then we go to a junkyard with a bunch of rednecks talking about having fun since work is done.

The redneck in front is Tom and he basically owns this town like he owns this junkyard. They talk about how there is a kid who they call “Junior” around and Tom wonders where that damn kid is. We then see him sleeping in one of the junked cars and one of the rednecks knows how to wake him up

By Shooting A Gun In The Air

That does wake “Junior” up, but later Tom tells him he is going to stay behind to lock up the place. We then go to Tom’s house where we meet Tom’s wife Meaghan and her mom Rita.

Tom comes in and asks Meaghan to make some snacks for him and the boys since they are gonna hang out outside tonight. He also questions whether his wife was sleeping around on him last night since he has been hearing rumors, hinting that he might be an abusive redneck husband.

The rednecks all play shooting games and ogle Tom’s wife, with him being okay with them doing it. She comes out and bends over to get Tom a beer so the others can know that Tom married a pretty woman. She says she is going into town to get some eggs with Tom slapping her on the ass on her way out. But Meaghan is really going to the junkyard as she steals Tom’s key to the junkyard. We then see what the junkyard is called.

Of Course It Is Called Tom’s Junk…What Else Would These Dumbass Rednecks Call It

Anyway, Meaghan is really in the junkyard to have sex with “Junior”, whose real name is Braden James.

Ah Yes…The Tamest Sex We Can Show.

Meaghan then reveals that she only married Tom for his money and the fact that he is only one heart attack away from death, considering the way he lives. She then says she is going to sell off all of his properties and live it up rich because he definitely does not spend his money on her. Tom goes to the kitchen and sees his junkyard key is missing so he knows she snuck off there. As Meaghan and Braden talk about how they need to make sure he doesn’t find out, he shows up with a shotgun.

Tom threatens to shoot Braden’s balls off, but lets him leave after he pisses himself.

Braden, He Is Only Sparing You Out Of Pity

He then goes to beat up Meaghan with a slap and then tries to strangle her.

She questions if that is they only way he can get it up, but before Tom can answer….he gets killed by Rita hitting him over the head with a claw hammer.

Um….Normally For The Hammer To Stick Like That, It Has To Be The Claw Part That Hits The Head, But Whatever.

Meaghan then goes back to the house and calls for Braden to get back here. Rita reveals now that Tom is dead, they can cash in and Rita doesn’t care if she gets arrested for his murder as she believes it was a Good Samaritan act.

But we see that the junkyard is about to be the site of a spaceship crash.

Which The Other Rednecks See And You Know Rednecks, They Are Going To Go Out And Try To Shoot The Damn Thing

As Meaghan sees the rednecks going off to do redneck things, Braden arrives. Braden asks what happened and Meaghan doesn’t know, but they both see the explosion. The rednecks split up to look for the creature and one of the rednecks (the one with the trucker hat) finds Tom dead, thinking the alien killed him. He gets spooked and accidentally shoots the white haired redneck.

Uh Oh….SpaghettiOs. Also….Nice Of Them To Have A Gun That Doesn’t Fire At All Because They Couldn’t Even Afford An Effect To Show That Shotgun Fired.

When the bald redneck comes by, the redneck with the trucker hat says the alien must have done something with his gun and it fired on its own. He buys it because as you know, these are dumbass rednecks. They find the spaceship, which immediately turns invisible.

The bald redneck touches the ship and it really burns his hand.

Trucker hat redneck questions why he would touch him, but bald redneck runs away as the alien is right behind the hat wearing one.

Trucker hat redneck tries to fight and grabs a pole, but the alien grabs the pole and impales the redneck with it.

Meaghan tries to get Braden to go in, but once the trucker hat redneck gets flung into a car, Braden runs away.

Unless The Redneck Turned Into A Tube Man, That’s A Bad Effect

The next mourning in Tomstown.

Yep…That Is What This Town Is Called

We see a white car drive in and the driver kicks out a woman named Deborah Dallas.

Not Kidding….That Is Her Name

As she goes through her stuff that the driver also threw out, a young kid comes by and offers her money for sex.

She shoos the kid off and is obviously one of those god-fearing rednecks although she does curse. We then go to Big Tom’s Diner.

It is here where we meet a waitress named Paris Montag.

We Also Meet Brooklyn Davis, Who Puts Alcohol In His Coffee.

Paris then serves a trio of cheerleaders who admit that they vomit up their food after eating to keep their thin figures.

The cheerleaders then decide to dine and dash instead of paying their bill and once the waitress confronts them, they already reveal they vomited up the food and throw the bile at her.

The manager of the diner comes out mad at the waitress for leaving for a bit. He also tells her that bill is coming out of her check and to clean herself off. Brooklyn comes out trying to hit on her before seeing the puke and backing away. We then go to Big Tom’s Strip Club.

I Got Bad News Before Going In. These Are The Only Boobs That Are Getting Black Boxed.

So in the strip club with the least nudity ever, Brooklyn gets confronted by someone named Kitty Kat.

She grabs him by the balls and squeezes before revealing that Brooklyn owes her quite a bit of money. She takes him with her so they can have a chat. We then see a stripper with clothes on (who is revealed to be Linnea Gold) be very interested in a bald headed client.

She takes him to the back in her private room which is basically a garage.

Yeah, Interesting Story Here. This Part Of The Strip Club Is Actually A Real Garage Because The Filmmakers Pissed Off The Owners Of The Strip Club Who Was Letting Them Use The Place For The Film And They Got Kicked Out.

Here we reveal that the bald guy is Francis and he is a former weapons specialist for the army and is in town to find his long lost daughter. Linnea also reveals that is her real name and she would be flattered if she got a stalker.

Honey, Anyone Who Has Ever Had A Stalker Would Disagree With You Right There….If They Are Still Alive To Tell You About It Since It Mostly Ends Very Badly.

Francis tells her she is too good for this line of work and Linea reveals that it isn’t really work if you love that you are doing it.

Back at the junkyard, we see the alien looking for parts to fix his spaceship as well as setting traps for anyone who wants to attack. Meaghan tries to get the cops to come by, but they don’t believe her story about an alien killing her husband with a hammer. She then reveals to Braden that the insurance company and lawyers need to have his body before they can get any life insurance money or inheritance money. Rita says that she got her daughter into this mess and she is going to get her out of this mess.

Francis goes back to his hotel that has an eviction notice on the door so he needs to find some cash to stay so he can find his daughter.

That Photo Is A Real Photo From The Actual Actress Who Will Be Revealed To Be His Daughter, When She Was A Kid. Same With A Picture We See Later On Because Remember, Tiny Budget….

We then see a commercial from Rita, Meaghan, and Braden talking about how an alien landed in their junkyard and killed Meaghan’s husband. Rita says all they need is for someone to retrieve the body of her husband and that one person will be given $100,000 as a reward.

Well, the next day….they have a crap ton of people from the town who want that money.

We also get introduced to Father Melluzo.

Hi, Roddy Piper

While in line, Deborah tries to hit on Braden, but Meaghan puts a stop to that. We get a scene where Paris’ friend Lux teaches Paris how to shoot a gun. Sadly it almost kills somebody.

That someone is of course Francis, who after forgiving Paris for nearly killing him, helps her fire a gun correctly.

A Tender Moment That Will In No Way Pay Off Later…

The alien sets up more traps as Rita thanks everyone for coming and opens the gate so they can bring back Tom’s body in one recognizable piece. Only one rule and that is to keep all the mayhem in the junkyard so they don’t have to answer questions later.

While looking around, two dumbasses named Rusty and Dale see an egg with boils on it.

Their first response is to shoot the damn thing.

Unfortunately for them, this releases a bunch of little worms that enter the body through any hole and kills you from the inside.

One of them immediately dies while the other gets a worm up his butthole.

The worms get on another person who accidentally fires his crossbow, which ricochets and kills someone else.

Linea starts shooting at the little worms while Father Melluzzo uses his cross-knife to stab a few of them.

If You Are A Part Of The Church, Don’t Leave Home Without One. It Can Be An Ugly World Out There And You Never Know When A Godless Asshole Is Going To Try To Rob You.

Francis is about to throw a grenade when he realizes that Paris is his long lost daughter.

If you are expecting to have a happy moment, you don’t know this movie because there might be one problem.

He Already Pulled The Pin Off The Grenade.

You know what happens next.

Bye Francis

Melluzzo saves Linnea from one of the worms on her back with his cross-knife and she thanks him. Officer Remillard comes by, wanting to know what is going on and Rita says they are just having a family reunion since she hasn’t been feeling well as of lately.

We then see a karate teacher and his karate students.

By The Way, The Teacher’s Name In The Credits Is Master Splinter.

The Real Master Splinter Is Rather Confused

There is a fat kid in the group who lags behind the others.

Father Melluzzo and Linnea helps get a worm out of Paris’ body, but because we can’t have nice things in this film, another worm is still in there and kills Paris.

Deborah tries to hit on an army ranger guy (mentioning that she is only looking for a husband), but he is not interested in her. But of course, Brooklyn is.

We go back to the karate class and the fat kid accidentally sets off a trap that ends up killing the rest of his class and Master Splinter.

Now you may be saying that the fat kid’s stupidity killed the teacher and other kids so it cannot be classified as PCD (Pointless Child Death), but just you wait. The army guys go after the alien and are about to shoot when traps pull them in the dirt and they fly off elsewhere to their death.

Brooklyn and Deborah are making out and we see the alien has killed the fat kid.

Yeah, I Got Bad News….That Alien Isnt Dying So PCD Here And I Fucking Hate PCD.

He uses the kid’s head to relay a message. The message is that his spaceship has crashed and that he will only kill them if they continue to try to harm him. The alien walks away as we see Meaghan put x’s over the photos of the people who have died.

That night, Father Melluzzo tries to start a campfire the old way and eventually gets unwanted help from Brooklyn who pours some liquor and throws a lit cigarette to create a fire.

Braden asks if Meaghan is okay and she says no as she doesn’t have a load of insurance money in her hands. Meaghan wonders if this was a mistake and Rita has Braden collect the bodies. We then see scenes of Braden being a slow idiot while picking up the bodies. We then see a couple and their dog.

The dog goes towards Brooklyn who seems to hate dogs. Deborah then convinces Brooklyn to go to the tent where the two can do some Hanky Panky.

No, They Do Not Watch The 1982 Comedy Starring Gene Wilder And Gilda Radner

Father Melluzzo tries to console Lux over the death of her friend and Lux says she is personally glad Paris is dead as Paris got more attention than her.

Yep….We Can’t Have Good People

Linnea is collecting jars of the kid’s blood when Braden stops by. Linnea reveals that they believe that the alien won’t kill them unless provoked. Linnea also reveals that she is not out here for the money as nothing she does is ever for the money as she has a trust fund to take care of that. Remember that line for later as well.

Lux wonders if she is going to hell for being happy that Paris is dead, but Father Melluzzo says no as God is pretty forgiving of the small stuff. They then hear moaning coming from Deborah and Melluzzo says this.

Father Melluzzo: On the other hand, the whore from Babylon is going to be bending over for Satan for the rest of eternity.

In the tent after sex, Brooklyn reveals his plan of waiting till the rest of the competitors die from the alien so he can swoop in and take the body so he can get the $100,000. Deborah is of course thinking of ways they can use that $100,000 towards living together and Brooklyn seems not 100% behind that idea, but doesn’t tell her that.

Back with Linnea and Braden, Linnea reveals that she and her father have a very strained relationship as he finds her rather eccentric behavior rather shameful. She tends to like that Braden is rather dumb so she kisses him.

The dog named Taco is still bothering Brooklyn so he throws the dog somewhere.

Oh Great….Animal Harm, This Movie Is All Full Of Ways To Piss Me Off

A guy tries to steal the prize at night and gets stuck in a forcefield.

He tries to shoot the force field, but the bullet comes back to hit and kill him.

I Wasn’t Wrong About That Subtitle

We then see a montage of the alien getting more parts, but this time it isn’t just for his spaceship.

Yes, He Made A Mechanical Shark

Early in the morning, Brooklyn wakes the couple that had the dog and tells them their dog ran away. They go out to look for them and get killed. The guy via setting off a trap while peeing and being frozen.

He Was Frozen Today!!!!

The lady gets killed by the mechanical land shark.

I Wish It Had Said “Land Shark” Before Eating Her

We see that Lux has created a map of the junkyard and included the traps in it.

We then go to Linnea Gold and Father Melluzzo having a sparring contest.

The Actress Actually Got A Concussion From A Hip Toss During This Scene. However, It Does Look Like Two Characters Having A Lot Of Fun Doing This.

Some other people get electrocuted when a power line falls on a puddle.

Another guy falls into a trap that sucks him into the ground and causes him to fly up elsewhere like those army guys suffered.

And Got To Be On A Trampoline For This Shot

Father Melluzzo and Linnea get done with their spar and are both impressed by the map Lux made. Deborah sees it and tells Brooklyn. Brooklyn doesn’t like this so he makes a show of being upset by this and making them pariahs for forming a team to take care of this.

We see Braden putting up a sign that says there is a land shark in this area.

But Will They Close The Beaches???

Also, the alien has made another robot.

With A Gun And A Saw.

Meanwhile, we get an even worse commercial for the $100,000 reward.

The next morning, they get more people going for the hunt and some people who want to watch the chaos from the woods near the junkyard.

They Even Have To Charge $10 For Viewing The Spectacle. Braden Is A Terrible Speller Though.

We then see a gentleman who we have seen at several points in this film building stuff called Heavy Metal in the credits.

He Burns Down The Worms

Officer Remillard knows now what is going on, but instead of reporting them, he wants in on the mission.

The alien is about to send out the junkbot that he has created after Heavy Metal, but of course there are football players from the local high school that want the first shot at this junkbot instead.

It goes as well as you would think as the bot shoots cellphones and uses his saw to kill them.

Well one (the star quarterback) does get by, but the alien takes his ass out.

And After Being Initially Horrified, Those High School Cheerleaders From Earlier Fight Over His Head

Then the high school baseball players come to attack.

The junkbot kills them.

One baseball player runs away and it is now Heavy Metal’s turn to fight the junkbot.

The junkbot knocks him down, but Father Melluzzo comes to help. They shoot the bot, but it isn’t enough. Father Melluzzo goes behind a car and while the armor is good still against the junkbot bullets, a ricochet shot that hits him behind the head kills Heavy Metal.

We are about to see the awesome battle between junkbot and Father Melluzzo,

Father Melluzzo Might Win After Ripping The Saw Arm Off And Using It On Junkbot

But freaking Brooklyn steals the kill and takes out the junkbot.

Brooklyn wants Father Melluzzo to beg for his life, but Father Melluzzo won’t so Brooklyn just straight up kills him.

There You Have It, The Last Likable Character In This Whole Movie And He Is Killed By Cheap Ass Brooklyn. If You Start Rooting For Someone, They Are Going To Be Killed Or Prove To Be An Asshole.

The alien comes by and Brooklyn runs away. The alien looks at Father Melluzzo and takes the orb out of the junkbot.

That night, the dog returns and Brooklyn still can’t believe it is around. Braden spends some more time talking to Linnea and she grabs the dog.

And She Breaks The Dog’s Neck.

Hey, Linnea Killed The Dog In The Movie. I Am Doing No Such Thing.

Linnea tells Braden that he should do something because he wants to do it, not because other people want him to do it. And it is at this point that they find Father Melluzzo’s body.

But Father Melluzzo’s corpse comes back to life.

Linnea shoots him in the head since that is what you do with zombies.

But He Isnt Done Yet

The cowardly baseball player bats a ball at his head, but that doesn’t kill him.

Seriously…Why Didn’t We Get Rowdy Roddy Piper Vs. Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz?

Melluzzo kills the baseball player and kills a few others. Brooklyn hits him in the head with the bat and now that is sticking out of his head.

And He Still Isn’t Done For

Linnea throws a sai at his back, but Melluzzo is still not done. Melluzzo is about to kill her, but Braden comes in for the save with a chainsaw.

Of course, this gets the job done as it gets out what was really keeping Father Melluzzo still standing.

Yep…The Alien Put That Orb Into Father Melluzzo As He Was Impressed With His Fight Against The Junkbot And Also Thought His Death Was A Bitch Move By Brooklyn.

Father Melluzzo thanks him before finally resting forever. Linnea starts making out with Braden’s neck and she wants to fuck his soul.

Which We Never See

Back at the house, Meaghan and Rita find out that Tom apparently had a daughter before his marriage to Meaghan, who could technically get the real claim of money if she wants it. Rita says they have to get that money before that kid shows up. It is at this point that Rita locks everyone into the junkyard and tells them only one of them will get the reward and she tells them they have until sunrise to get it done. She is also doubling the reward to $200,000.

Rita asks if she hears question. One guy has one, but she shoots him dead.

The alien tries to fly away, but the spaceship still isn’t ready to fly yet.

Meaghan goes to her mother and tells her that she has to open the gate. Rita is against this and she plans on having them all die as no one is going to get their hands on her money. Meaghan is confused by Rita saying it is her money instead of their money and Rita tries to kill her own daughter.

They fight and we go to a fight between Officer Remillard and a redneck. The redneck cuts the officer into two and starts dancing, but his upper half shoots the redneck dead before dying himself.

An eagle scout and the manager from the diner earlier kill each other.

Another dumbass looks at the shark sign with a scoff, but gets killed by the shark. Another guy finds the body of the eagle scout and reveals he is a cannibal by eating some of his flesh.

The fight between Meaghan and Rita ends with them killing each other.

Deborah comes to Lux trying to say Brooklyn is insane, but Lux realizes that Deborah is trying to kill her. However, Lux falls for the someone is behind them trick and Deborah kills her.

Unfortunately, Linnea is right there seeing the whole thing so she attacks Deborah.

Braden comes by and sees the two dead. He shakes his head and steals the keys.

Brooklyn thinks the body he is looking at is Linnea, but it is Deborah who comes up, but Brooklyn shoots her dead.

Linnea sees the cannibal and kills him.

Brooklyn tries to sneak attack Linnea, but Linnea sees it coming so a fight ensues between crazy bitch and coward. The cowardly Brooklyn cheats with dirt to the eyes, but Braden comes by to stop him from killing Linnea. Linnea puts the worm she captured into Brooklyn and just waits for him to die while having gazing eyes with Braden.

Yep….That’s How Jeremy London Leaves This Film

Braden and Linnea go into the barn and find the alien. The alien chases them and fights for a little bit. Braden tries a sledgehammer, but a droid buddy hits him in the eyes. Braden restarts the junkbot and has it shoot at the alien. The droid shuts junkbot down, but this does allow Linnea and Braden to run out of the barn. At this point, the alien just gets into his spaceship and flies away.

Even The Alien Says I’m Not Dying For This Shit

We are about to get a love moment between Linnea and Braden, but Linnea just kills Braden instead.

Then we get the final reveal that Linnea was Tom’s daughter as she calls him daddy and drags his body away, just so she can get the money probably.

Wait, So If Tom Was So Aghast At His Daughter’s Lifestyle, Why Would He Let Her Work At A Strip Club He Owned.

Well, it doesn’t matter as the movie is finally over with the title card again.

Since this was a straight to Chiller film, no point in asking how the film did because we don’t have that info. However, we do know what happened with Chiller and that is Chiller went out of business like many of these horror theme channels back in the day like FearNet. This was put out on DVD by Shout Factory and I am going to say this to Shout Factory. This is one of the worst DVDs I have ever had to deal with. The DVD menu here has a small special features section (outtakes and deleted scenes), a trailer section, and a commentary by several of the filmmakers. However, one thing you completely missed one thing and that is SCENE SELECTION. How do you forget to put that option, I don’t know. But because of this, every time I have to restart the DVD, I have to wait for the menu and then hit play, and pray I find the spot I left off at…and I had to do that a lot so fuck you. Shout Factory for this terrible DVD.

Nobody went on to do anything memorable after this film so sadly, we have to go to the section where we talk about people who are no longer with us. Roddy Piper (who played Father Melluzzo aka the best character) died in 2015 at the age of 61 after suffering a heart attack. Troy Walcot (who played one of the baseball players) died in 2017 at the age of 37 for unknown reasons. Sean Gallimore (who played Francis) passed away in 2021 at the age of 56 for unknown reasons. Paul Braccioforte (who played Jack aka the bald redneck at the beginning) left this mortal coil also in 2021 at the age of 72.

Now my final thoughts on this film. This is definitely a film that has everything that should piss me off. Pointless Child Deaths, killing of a pet, terrible characters, stupid decisions, BS moves, and terrible CGI are why this film completely sucks. All of this should make this film one of the Top 5 most hated films that I ever inducted and definitely worse than Flesh Wounds, but there is something that saves this movie. That something is of course……everyone seemed to have a good time making the movie and that showed while watching the movie. Yeah, it is still my Top 10 most hated films and is still worse than Flesh Wounds, but just by one position, but if I sense people are having fun making a movie….it definitely does make some stuff seem fun, which helps when you watch a movie.

Now for the last induction that Gus is going to have me induct this summer and as he calls it, it is a film like Spice World where it normally would not be on my radar of Monster Crap, but there is one scene with a monster in it so that makes it count. And it is also a movie I have never seen before so I don’t know whether that is good or bad, but considering it is the last film he wanted me to induct, I am going to guess it is meant to be bad.