Monster
Crap Inductee: Flesh Wounds
Jackass
Hercules Is Not Schwarzenegger
2011
Last
month, we talked about a rip-off of Gorgo, which some saw as a rip-off of
Godzilla. This month (once again thanks to Gus), we have a another movie that
can be seen as a rip-off of Robowar, which was definitely a rip-off of
Predator.
In
1987, John McTiernan made a film called Predator that was about the best of the
best as far as a mercenary commando team goes, taking on an alien trophy hunter
that for the most part has way better technology than these commandos. Now
normally this could be a film that could easily be just cheesy and generic as
hell, but McTiernan (who just directed Die Hard not that long after this) decided that
he needed these commandos to be awesomely acted so that when any one of them
dies, it sucks….so he hired Arnold Schwarzenegger, Carl Weathers, Sonny
Landham, Jesse “The Body” Ventura, Bill Duke, Richard Chaves, and Shane Black
as the mercenaries. Add to the fact that this Predator goes by extreme hunter
logic to where he will easily take down the weak, but when faced by a real
tough prey….he wants to go all out and show his toughness against this. The
movie was a huge hit and is still loved today, and in my case….being my third
favorite film of all time and until I was 17, was my favorite film of all time.
Enter
Bruno Mattei, who has been well know for ripping off hit films with Shocking
Dark (known as Bruno Mattei’s Terminator 2 (seriously, he freaking called it
that)), Strike Commando (a rip off of Rambo: First Blood Part 2), and Cruel
Jaws (he tried to call it Jaws 5: Cruel Jaws), who saw this Predator film be a
huge hit and as usual with his Modus operandi, decided to rip it off with Robowar
in 1988 and his lead would be one he used a lot in Reb Brown (who you may
remember from past inductions Space Mutiny and Howling 2: Your Sister Is A
Werewolf) with a bunch of mercenary commandos taking on a cyborg.
So
now we come to 23 years later and some guy named Dan Garcia…
No,
That Is Daniel Garcia And I Believe He Was Still In School When This Film Was Made
Dan
Garcia is a director who makes straight to DVD films when he directs, but is
mostly a producer. But this is one of those films that he directed and for this
film, he decided to make a Predator rip-off and get two names in Kevin Sorbo
and Bokeem Woodbine. Kevin Sorbo was of course Hercules in that TV series back
in the 90s.
Yeah,
That Guy...
Bokeem
Woodbine had his big break also in the 90s with a 1994 film called Jason’s
Lyric.
He
Was Joshua
Everyone
else I either I don’t know who they are or I know them from a past Monster Crap
induction. In the latter, we have first a man named Wallace Merck.
He
Was A Goomba In The 1993 Super Mario Bros. Movie
We
also have Gabe Begnead (who was a car driver who talked trash in the terrible
2015 Fantastic Four movie) and an uncredited role for Nathan Alan Thomas (who
did the same as a Scientist in a Hazmat Suit in that terrible 2015 Fantastic
Four movie).
Now
with all that out of the way, let’s get to the damn movie.
But
before I begin, I gotta talk about the production company behind this, Phase 4
Films.
They
are a Canadian production company that has been well known for trying to
promote films as rip-offs of blockbuster films like The Asylum, but in worse
quality. They also were the place certain hack directors used to get their
films out (they were the ones who released A Talking Cat?, and several Uwe Boll
films). Two years after this film, they got busted by Disney as they bought a
film called The Legend of Sarila and called it Frozen Land, basically with a
lot of the outer box of their DVD to look a lot like Frozen. Disney of course
wasn’t freaking having it and they sued and basically Phase 4 had to settle out
of court and also pay Disney $100,000 while making removing all those Frozen
Land designs. They went out of business in 2015 and they will probably have
more inductions in the future.
We
begin with these mercenaries and scientists out on a boat.
Sadly,
they are not fishing and instead looking for something while the scientists do
calculation stuff. Unfortunately for them, what they were searching for found
them and decided to kill them.
This
Thing Floating Around Will Make Even Less Sense When You See What It Really Is
As
the smoke being comes at them, we finally get our opening title card.
As
the credits go on, we get some run through of the bayous that are in Louisiana,
which this was filmed at. We also meet our main man Tyler.
We
then go to Washington DC where we meet a Senator and I guess former army guy
who is running this operation from his small office named Rogers.
At
Least I’m Not A Damn Goomba This Time
Carter
says his orders come from the Secretary Of Defense (who never shows up in this
film) and he needs his best men or he is in deep trouble. Basically, Tyler’s
team’s last mission was during a war of some kind. We then see his men as
several of them have to get Jessie away from a female soldier, reminding him
that something bad happened last time.
Back
to Carter telling Tyler of the mission and that people have gone missing from
the area and they believe a terrorist training camp is nearby so he has to find
them men and bring them back. They are getting paid $150,000 for each of the
men they find and Tyler here will get a gold star on top of that.
Back
in DC, Rogers gets a call about the operation and wants an asset from his team
to go with them to be their eyes and ears on the ground. Then back at the
Undisclosed Location where Tyler’s team is getting all geared up. One of the
Colonel’s lackeys tells the crew that he needs to take away everyone’s dog
tags. This pisses them off with Colby wondering why they would do that.
Jackie
also has problems with this as he needs to get home to his family.
Hey
Bokeem….
Tyler
eventually agrees that everyone has to give up their dog tags after being
assured they will go back to their families if they pass. Cassandra shows up
and tries to be polite, but Tyler immediately tells her she is not allowed on
this mission.
Unfortunately
for Tyler, he doesn’t get to make that decision and the Colonel basically tells
him that she is going with them whether they like it or not. Being a woman and
being not part of the team, she gets harassed by the entire team as they go to
their destination.
They
enter the forest looking for the men and the terrorist camp and while going to
a nearby beach, they find a boat and some dead bodies.
The
bodies have all had their brains sucked out of them. Colby tells Tyler these
deaths were caused by professionals and not some ragtag team of terrorists.
Jackie reveals that these people had some serious weaponry. Tyler immediately
tells Cassandra if she is withholding information that may be important, he
will make sure she will regret the day she was born. He has Jackie torch the
boat and they leave. In the woods they find more bodies.
Once
again, all of their brains are missing. Colby tells the others that they let
off at least a thousand rounds of bullets and yet there is no body riddled with
bullets so something is definitely strange. More walking happens when they
finally find what they believe to be the training camp for the terrorists.
Jessie
sneaks up and kills two of the enemy guys. They then find another terrorist
that Colby kills.
Tyler
makes Cassandra stay behind while they deal with the rest of the terrorists. A
firefight ensues shortly afterwards and we get this interesting shot.
Yep…One
Of The Terrorists Had A Spray Thing Behind His Head.
After
killing everyone they see, they find out that these guys are not terrorists,
but are US army guys as well. Tyler does not understand any of this. Cassandra
shows up and more people start shooting so the firefight continues between
Tyler’s team and this other team of US Military. Tyler’s team of course kills
these guys with no problem, not even questioning the whole why are we fighting
each other. Only after the killing does Tyler even want to ask Cassandra what
is going on here. Cassandra says they just need to do their damn job and
continue killing any enemy they find. Jackie once again torches the place, this
time with a grenade.
Tyler
and Cassandra have a bit of a argument over whether they are just puppets for
the United States government.
Yeah,
They Probably Will Kiss At Some Point
More
Predators rip-off points as the creature is obviously watching them.
After
some more walking, they take a break at a clearing to do stuff like take a piss
and relax while Tyler looks at the map. Jessie and Colby also make jokes about
the woman with them and one guy might be gay as when they talk to him about it,
he just says “Don’t ask, don’t tell”. That is a joke on a bill about how the US
military should deal with gay and bi-sexual people in the military and that
bill would be repealed…..at the same time this movie would come out.
Cassandra
talks to Tyler about the company he keeps and Tyler says they are real men,
something she has never seen before. Cassandra retorts that she still hasn’t
seen one, basically saying they aren’t real men either. They continue as we
hear a rip-off Predator music. Yes, not only is this movie ripping off the plot
and the look, it is also ripping off the music of Predator.
Cassandra
separates from the group and finds a bit of separated tech. Jackie sees this
and wonders what she is doing, to which Cassandra says nothing. They are about
to fight when shots are fired by more of these fake terrorists. Jackie goes to
chase them off as Cassandra gets grabbed by one. Cassandra gets him off of her,
but an energy shot comes from somewhere else that kills this fake terrorists.
The
Blood Gets On Cassandra
Then
we go with Jessie and a guy whose name I don’t know as Jessie talks about the
other guy having Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Jessie wants him to talk to
him about it, but the other guy doesn’t want to. They then find a fake
terrorist that is dead.
So
instead of Long Time Sally from Little Richard which was in Predator, we get
Jackie whistling Pop Goes The Weasel.
Tyler
and his guys (except for Jackie) come across Cassandra still standing over the
dead fake terrorist. Cassandra struggles to explain what happened and also
mentions that Jackie went off to chase some fake terrorists. Jackie elsewhere
gets into a fight with a fake terrorist and Jackie kills him.
The
men want Cassandra to explain what is going on and she finally explains that
she was told that something was out here. Jessie and the guy who has PTSD go
off and the PTSD guy says he is done with this mission. Jessie tries to talk to
him about talking about the PTSD because if you hold it in, you will be so
messed up. They find another fake terrorist and Jessie tries to have the guy
with PTSD shoot him, but for some reason he cant so Jessie knocks him out.
Jessie then cuts the guys fingers off until he is told that there is a hunter
out there and it will kill them. Jessie then just kills the guy.
The
guy who they think is gay goes off and is about to get killed by a fake
terrorist, but the hunter gets the fake terrorist instead. Also sucks out his
brain in the most CGI way possible.
He
yells for the others, but they don’t hear him. He screams and they finally hear
him and call him Brent.
Yep….The
Guy Who They Think May Be Gay Is Named Brent
Like
Cassandra, Brent is unable to explain what killed the fake terrorist and then
took his body. Tyler says they go to get out of here and “to the chopper”.
Tyler
Is No Dutch
PTSD
guy then goes running off on his own and gets killed.
Why
The Hell Are You Copying My Moves?
Colby
then gets killed as Jessie watches in horror.
The
rest start shooting at what they think killed him, but they don’t know what it
was. Jackie also rejoined the group and is firing before Tyler tells them to
stop as they are all confused by what they saw. Tyler has Jackie go on recon as
the rest need to find that chopper. We then finally see what this creature
looks like and…
It’s
Just A Cyborg
And
this is where I say this is a rip-off of Robowar. The monster in Robowar is
also a cyborg that our mercenary commandos are dealing with. But unlike where
that cyborg was revealed to be a lost friend of the main character who he
thought had died, this cyborg…..was just some guy who volunteered for a
program. In fact, he was one of three candidates that were to be in this
program and the other two didn’t qualify (either fitness or Herpes) and we shot
in the head by Rogers while they had a bag over their head.
This
is also what the guy looked like before he was turned into a cyborg.
All
of this while the cyborg goes to repair himself and go back to killing.
Yes,
Our Cyborg Has A Base Of Operations
Back
in DC, Rogers orders for the asset they have on the ground to kill the rest of
the team. We know that asset is Cassandra, but this will never be brought up
again. No, she neither tells them about this nor does she even give a hint she
ever got this order. You’d think something as key as the government screwing
over our supposed protagonists would be brought up more than this scene, but
I’m here to spoil you and say the answer is no.
Meanwhile,
Jessie tries calling for help on the radio, but he gets nothing. Jessie yells
at Cassandra, blaming her for why they are out here, and Tyler has to calm him
down. Tyler basically says they all need to be on the same page to kill this
thing or this thing will kill them. They decide to make camp for the night.
Then we have a montage of them setting up traps in order to either capture or
kill this creature.
Unfortunately
for them, this creature is on to their little game and just tosses dead bodies
of people it has killed into the traps.
The
group resets the traps and Tyler and Cassandra get to talking about their
pasts. Tyler talks about how his chopper was shot down, his team was ambushed
and captured, and he was the only one who made it out alive. Cassandra then
explains that she is privately telling him about this area being a testing
ground for something called the E-16, a project to create the perfect cyborg
soldier. The government has of course lost control of it so they were sent in,
but she doesn’t know why the creature is taking human brains.
The
trap goes off and this time it is the cyborg. Jessie gets injured by a shot to
the leg and the guy with the head scarf and Brent get killed.
Jackie
runs off as Tyler and Cassandra come to Jessie’s aid. Jessie is about to say
“this is bullshit” (something he has said several times), but gets shot in the
head by the cyborg before he can complete saying it.
Then
in a terrible bit of editing, we then see a mannequin that I think was supposed
to be Jessie gets its head blown off as Jessie was falling.
Notice
The Mannequin Wasn’t Falling
Tyler
is upset and shoots the creature while calling it a bastard and telling
Cassandra to run.
Cassie:
Oh
My God, It Killed Jessie
Tyler:
You
Bastard!!
Meanwhile,
the cyborg eventually kills Jackie, who said it couldn’t kill him because he is
from Philly.
Guess
The Creature Is Like Me And Hates Philadelphia (Especially Their Fans And
Sports Teams). Also….Guess You Couldn’t Get Bokeem Woodbine To Do An Onscreen
Death. Lame…
That
night, the cyborg goes back to his base of operations to make repairs to
itself. We also see Tyler getting locked and loaded.
An
explosion was set off and Tyler goes to see it. As he sees blood on the wall,
but no body parts….he starts yelling that he got the cyborg. The creature
started firing back so a gun battle happens. The cyborg runs off, but he
unknowingly leads Tyler to his own base. As the cyborg is once again fixing
things, Tyler sets explosives around the base.
Unfortunately for Tyler, the cyborg sees him and attacks. A weak ass
fight occurs and for most of it, it is one sided as the cyborg is kicking
Tyler’s ass.
Tyler
then decides to throw a grenade and the cyborg (despite being a former army guy
I think) doesn’t know what a grenade is so he just lets it roll up to him and
explode, which causes him to fall back into the base.
And
They Had An Obvious Stunt Double With Medium Hair When The Cyborg Barely Had
Hair On His Head.
Tyler
grabs the remote and detonates the explosives, which kills the cyborg.
Tyler
then passes out and wakes up at the extraction point with Cassandra as the
copter arrives.
Tyler
is stretchered in and they leave this supposed undisclosed area that really is
parts of Louisiana. Back in DC, Rogers gets the call that the cyborg has been
destroyed and that Tyler is still alive so he tells them to erase all traces of
its existence as well as any survivors. He then goes to the place where the
initial operation began in his military regalia. There, he leaves a note before
he grabs a pistol and kills himself.
The
helicopter arrives back to the docks of some base. Tyler confronts Col. Carter
and gets the dog tags back as well as being told he will get his Gold Star for
this. After a few words, Tyler punches Carter in the face.
Yeah….I
Think That Would Screw You Of Your Gold Star And You Would Be Arrested And
Dishonorably Discharged.
Cassandra
meets up with Tyler and asks what is next. Tyler says he is going to go to the
families of his men and tell them what happened to them. He also admits he was
wrong about Cassandra. Cassandra and Tyler then kiss.
I
Knew They Were Going To.
And
that is the end of this movie.
No
aftermath to the movie itself. Kevin Sorbo (who played Tyler) has sadly become
a complete shithead on Twitter and has been promoting bogus claims. He has also
done several religious strawmen films and has just been a joke. Bokeem Woodbine
(who played Jackie) has actually done okay with himself as he was cast as
Shocker in Spider-Man: Homecoming as well as shows like Fargo and movies like
Queen & Slim.
Let’s
Not Talk About The Crap That Was The Halo TV Series On Paramount+
No
deaths thankfully so we can get to my final thoughts on this movie. This movie
just sucks and is one of the worst movies I have inducted on this site. This
movie was such a rip-off of Predator, even worse than Bruno Mattei did with
Robowar. The music rip-offs, the plot rip-offs, and doing moment by moment
stuff like Predator did is unforgivable. This movie should not exist and I am
completely surprised that 20th Century Fox did not sue this film.
Besides the rip-off, the CG effects are bad (although the practical effects
were decent), the acting was bad, and the editing at times just looked
questionable. I made complaints about Gappa being kind of a boring rip-off, but
this film is so fragrant that it freaking pisses me off. Fuck this movie.
Now
let’s hope that Gus’ pick for the next induction doesn’t piss me off.
Well,
I Better Get Used To Plenty Of Rock Climbing
