Monster
Crap Inductee: Gappa: The Triphibian Monsters
Mightier
Than King Kong? This Isn’t Even Mightier Than Gorgo!
1967
I’m
gonna say this right now.
I
Hate Shin Godzilla
Boo
me all you want, but I have tried to watch this film twice and both times, I
have despised it. I could explain why, but we would be here for hours. But one
of the reasons I bring this up is one of the biggest defenses for this film I
have heard is that it’s a real Godzilla film since it is Japanese, unlike the
Legendary Pictures Godzilla films. Let me state for the fact that if you think
that just because it is Japanese does not mean it is better.
Hell,
This Bile Is Japanese.
And
that brings us to Gappa, The Triphibian Monsters. You see, Gappa is a 1967
monster movie that was made by Nikkatsu Studios and…
Did
You Say Nikkatsu Studios?
Yes,
I did, Why?
Oh
you’ll know later….
Sigh….just
when I think I am done with that guy.
Anyway,
Gappa is the only kaiju movie they ever made. Now you would think that with the
success of Godzilla, that they would be one of those Godzilla rip-offs that
popped up everywhere like Yongary, Gamera (I’ve inducted all of the early ones),
Reptillicus, and the X From Outer Space
Which
I Have Previously Inducted
But
no, Nikkatsu decided that they were going to do something different. You see,
instead of ripping off Godzilla, they were going to rip off what I consider my
favorite of the so-called Godzilla rip-offs.
You
see, Gorgo was a 1961 British and American film that was very highly influenced
by Godzilla, but unlike these other rip-offs, they was not going to make the
monster the bad guy or kill it. In fact, Gorgo isn’t even the monster that
destroys the city as Gorgo is actually in face the baby that was captured by a
pearl diving crew and sold to a carnival to put on display for the public. The
monster that actually destroys the city (in this case, London) is actually
Gorgo’s mother who just wants its baby back. In the end, Gorgo is reunited with
its mom and they freaking leave. What a nice concept. And before you say Mothra
does the same thing, but with saving two miniature women, Gorgo and Mothra were
both released in 1961 so they both had that idea.
Now
normally, I would think none of these actors would be in previous Monster Crap
inductions since at this time in Japan, actors were strongly attached to
studios and if the studio hadn’t done a monster movie, they would not be a
Monster Crap alumni. But yet again, you always have to remember that Japanese
studios sometimes had white guys in their movie to appeal to a wider audience. In
this case...
The
Actor Who Played Dr. Stein The X From Outer Space, Mike Danning…Is In This
Film (Same Year Too)
With
that out of the way, let’s get to inducting Gappa: The Triphibian Monsters.
We
begin this film with a map showing a path to the island Obelisk.
Before
You Ask, No….Such An Island Does Not Exist For Real
We
see the island has very active volcanos and with their eruptions, we get the
title card.
We
then get a ship sailing to the island and we meet some of our main characters.
Itoko Koyanagi
Professor Daize Tonooka
And
Hiroshi Kurosaki
Oh
and we also get this dumbass fishing and accidentally getting a hook caught on
his shirt collar.
His
Name Is Sabaro Hayashi
The
dumbass gives Kurosaki a message that reveals that the publisher who hired them
will tell the public his plan to build an animal amusement park and that the
ship is going to the island so they can gather rare animals for this park. Oh
and it will be called Playmate Land.
Yep….And
The Magazine Is Called Playmate Magazine. Somehow I Don’t Think This Is The
Name You Want For This Island Considering Playmate Here In The States Is
Something That You Call A Covergirl For Playboy Magazine.
And
I Don’t Think You Want Animals In A Place Called Playmate Land
Anyway,
this publisher is President Funazu. His idea is that people will be able to
enjoy a trip to the South Seas without having to leave the island. Saboro is
fishing again and this time has huge problems with something caught on his
hook. He then sees a huge flash of what seems like two big eyes looking at him.
Stop
Fishing, Asshole…You Suck At This.
He
screams about there being a monster. Everyone feels shaking and the professor
thinks this is just another undersea earthquake. Saboro comes in and tells the
other about the monster he caught and they come out to see, but the monster is
gone. Everyone laughs at the dumbass. They eventually come to the island of
Obelisk and notice the volcano is still erupting.
Man
That Volcano Is Erupting More Times Than Kilauea. While Not The Volcano With
The Most Eruptions In The World, Hawaiians Will Definitely Get That Joke.
While
looking at the island, they find a statue.
Which
They Say Looks Like The Statues On Easter Island
Bullshit,
We Say
The
ship’s captain tells the explorers that if they get into any trouble with
anything, then return to the ship. Hiroshi says they will be alright and the
group lands on the island. But what they don’t know is they are being watched
by an island boy.
That
Must Be The Shadows…No Way Is That Freaking Blackface.
The
crew go walking on the island. After minutes of freaking walking, they see the
volcano and also some huts nearby. They go into what seems like a village and
see some totems. They sit down on a bench, unknowing that people are watching
them. But soon the villagers come out and….
Friggin’
Frack….They Are Wearing Blackface.
Anyway,
the island boy who saw them earlier comes out with the village chieftain, who
is revealed to be the boy’s father. They of course are happy to see the
foreigners, which is rare since most islanders who rarely see foreigners seem
to be extremely wary of them and considering how this country and many other
countries were created, there is a damn good reason for that.
The
islanders seems to have a feast with dancing prepared for these foreigners.
Dear
God…This Is Racist
The
reason for the issue is that apparently Japanese people have been there and
said they would come back, but that was many moons ago and it seems that made something
the islanders call Gappa angry. Now that they are back, Gappa may not be angry
anymore. Hiroshi asks the boy where the large stone idol is and after a few
minutes, he tells them they must be talking about Gappa. And some of the crew
wonder if they should take the villagers back to Japan to make them a part of
Playmate Land.
I
Think The Ancestors Of American Slaves Would Like To Have A Freaking Word With
You, Movie.
The
chief rightfully tells them that since they were born here, they should die
here as well. The professor finally tells them that they just came here for
scientific research and they shouldn’t interfere with the lives of these
people. Meanwhile, the island boy beckons Hiroshi and Itoko to follow him to
what they believe is Gappa. Saboro sees this and follows them.
While
walking Itoko finds it strange that if Gappa must be their god, why are they
afraid of him. Hiroshi rightfully points out that in some cultures, gods are to
be feared. The boy then tells them that Gappa is not their god. Saboro is far
behind and gets scared of a bird.
Hey,
Don’t You Guys Want To Be You Know….Capturing Wildlife That You Can Bring Back
To Playmate Land
They
eventually reach the statue.
They
once again talk about the statues being the same, just like the idols of Easter
Island.
We
The Moai Statues Demand You Stop Comparing That Statue To Us. We Are Not The
Same.
The
boy tells them not to go near the statue because it will make Gappa angry. Then
an earthquake begins and it destroys the statue.
Damn
Cancel Culture…
However,
this statue being destroyed does open up a cave that the statue must have been
blocking.
Hiroshi
and Itoko of course want to go inside, but the island child tells them not to.
Of course, they do so anyway, but tell the kid to get the professor and show
him that they have entered the cave. Saboro also goes inside the cave and when
Itiko talks about how she hates caves, Hiroshi basically tells her to quit and
cook, and then get married and have kids like a proper Japanese woman.
That
Line Made Me Facepalm So Hard It Freaking Hurt
They
go further and find an underground lake. They find some dinosaur bones and
wonder if this creature was the villagers’ Gappa. Saboro eventually catches up
with the two and they all find an egg.
Suddenly
another earthquake happens and the giant egg hatches. The three run and then
meet up with the professor and crew. Hiroshi and Itoko then tell the others
they found the egg, but when they come back, they are dumbfounded to see that
the egg somewhat hatched. They then find the creature that was inside the egg.
They
go to capture it, but the boy again says that Gappa will be angry and they
don’t listen to him. Back at the village, the villagers are throwing a party.
If
Some Foreigner Basically Disobeyed All Your Customs And Took Something, I Don’t
Know If Party Is Something I Would Be Doing.
The
village chief has the right idea and is not happy that they have caged the baby
creature that they are calling Gappa. He tells them they must return it, but
they say since the parent are dead (they believe the bones are the parent),
leaving it there would be worse than taking it since it would just die all
alone. And after saying that, we see Gappa’s parents rising from the water and
they do not look happy.
Papa
Gappa: I
Think The Dingo Ate Our Baby
Mama
Gappa: For
The Last Time, There Are No Dingos On This Island
Papa
Gappa: Then
How Is Our Baby Gone
Mama
Gappa: Some
Asshole Must Have Taken It
Papa
Gappa: You
Sure It Wasn’t A Dingo
Mama
Gappa: For God's Sake….It Wasn’t A Dingo.
So
the explorers leave the island, but they are concerned that Gappa isn’t eating
anything they give it. The professor of course wants to use the creature for
research, but Itoko is a little hesitant and is wondering if they should have
left the creature on the island. Itoko then tells Tonooka that Funazu will use
the creature as an attraction, not for research and since it was his money that
funded this, he may technically have final say. Saburo comes down and says he just
messaged the publisher with a report about what they found.
At
Funazu’s house, Funazu and his associates are trying to find anything about a
Gappa creature and they can’t find a thing. Meanwhile, Funazu’s daughter is
training on how to do some dance with a tutor. Then in a strange moment of this
movie, Funazu’s daughter tells her dad that he should marry a new wife (her
mother and his wife died years ago) and even offers up the tutor as an ideal
wife for him
I
Think You And I Are As Confused About This As Funazu Is. And If You Are
Wondering Where This Is Going, The Answer Is This Is Never Mentioned Again.
This Movie Is Sometimes Weird.
They
are still looking for information when one of his assistants thinks that the
professor and crew got sunstroke and are just bringing back a burnt lizard.
Funazu believes this and is very pissed that he has been made a fool of.
Back
on the island, the two parents come out of the volcano and attack the town.
Congratulations,
Not Even A Day Goes By And These Asshole Explorers Just Destroy An Entire
Civilization.
A
submarine comes by to assess the damage. Elsewhere, Funazu and associates come
to the ship that is housing Gappa and scolds the crew for bringing back what he
believes is a burnt lizard. Of course, this all changes when he sees the actual
creature and realizes that the explorers were right about what they found.
Funazu then asks the professor and crew to keep news about the Gappa completely
quiet as the Playmate Magazine will eventually release an issue revealing it
and promoting Playmate Land. Tonooka is thinking of researching it, but Funazu
has plans to feature it at his new amusement park. Hiroshi sides with Funazu
and tells Tonooka that if he tries to even blab about this, they will return
the creature back to the island.
At
the lab, the researchers are looking over Gappa and put something on his head
so they can look at his brain waves.
They
mention that Gappa has grown quite a bit since they brought him here and they
wonder how big will he grow before he stops growing. Tonooka does not want to
give the creature to Playmate Land, even though that is exactly what he needs
to do. Hiroshi comes by and makes some jokes at both of their expense, thinking
that Tonooka is keeping Itoko there for some nefarious reason and Itoko getting
wrinkles on her face even though she is only 22.
Anyone
Want To Pop This Guy One Upside The Face Or Is It Just Me?
Hiroshi
leaves and Tonooka looks at the paper showing the brainwaves and sees
something. Tonooka goes to show his assistants what the brainwaves show as
Funazu comes by with his daughter to look at the creature that will be featured
in Playmate Lane. Tonooka realizes the waves are like a bird in one calling for
its parents. They worry now because if their parents are still alive, they may
show up. Meanwhile, they come out and Funazu is shocking the creature with a
cattle prod. Funazu first lying in saying that the animal attacked one of his
associates, but when his daughter says that didn’t happen, Funazu says it is
his animal and he can do with it what he wants to do. Hiroshi says that if
Funazu wants to keep this creature a secret, he needs to not be here so Funazu
leaves with his associates and daughter. While that happens, Itoko and Gappa
look at each other.
Gappa: Don't You Dare End Up With That Sexist Pig.
Back
to the submarine that passed the island, they talked about how the village was
destroyed and there was only one survivor.
Yep…It’s
The Kid Who Talks About How Gappa Is A Baby That The Foreigners Took To Japan
And How Gappa’s Parents Are Quite Angry
Suddenly,
what the submarine crew believes to be two unidentified submarines are behind
them. The two swimming objects come right by them and cause a bit of a rumble
in the submarine.
And
Then The Creatures Fly. So That’s What They Mean By Triphibian In That The Can
Walk On Land, Swim In The Sea, And Fly In The Air.
The
creatures fly by a plane with the pilots not knowing what they are. The airport
radar trackers do not know what they are and try to ask what they are, with no
response. The pilots immediately talk to the media and say they have never seen
plans shaped like that before. They talk about how fast they were going and
note that this is supposed to be impossible. Basically the two objects are
heading to Sagami Bay. Hiroshi asks Tonooka if this could be Gappa’s parents
and Tonooka says it is probably impossible as the wings would have to carry the
weight and Gappa’s wings are not able to carry the weight of his body. Hiroshi
wonders if they made a big mistake by taking the creature.
After
some padding of showing some Japanese version of dinner theater, the Gappas
show up out of the water.
No….I
Did Not Edit This At All. Last Time We Saw Them, They Were Flying And This Time
They Are Coming Out Of The Water. This Movie Has A Really Bad Editor.
People
at Sagami Bay see them and naturally with a giant monster, they start running.
Oh
No No No….We’ve Seen This Shit Before. Let’s Get The Hell Out Of Here.
The
monsters start coming on land and start destroying buildings. In fact, they put
their foot in one of the buildings and ruin that dinner theater.
Everyone’s
A Critic These Days…
Also
One Of Them Has What I Believe To Be An Octopus In Their Mouth. Why? I Don’t
Know And It Is Never Brought Up.
The
military is of course mobilized to deal with these giant monsters and like
always, they are ineffective.
Although
It Does Shoot The Octopus Out Of One Of Their Mouths
The
monsters of course breathe fire and it destroys the tanks.
Fighter
jets are deployed as the creatures fly up a mountain.
The
Air Attack Goes Pretty Much As Expected
The
beasts decide they are done for now and go into the water to relax. It is after
this that Playmate Magazine decides to print their article about them capturing
the baby Gappa.
I
Guess Playmate Magazine Does Not Understand The Idea Of Poor Timing
So
with the fact that the baby Gappa has been revealed and the parents are causing
mayhem, you would think that I don’t know someone would consider the idea of
maybe returning the baby to his parents, right?
Nope….
In
fact, the military still thinks they can kill the monsters and call them
Gappas, knowing full well they are the adult versions of the baby Gappa and…
Thank
For Explaining My Feelings, Scar
The
plan instead is to get them back on land so they can use missiles.
I
Had To Go Back And Remind Myself That Yes, The Bastards Already Used Missiles
And It Did Nothing Because The Sheer Forgetfulness Of This Military And The
Terrible Non-Consistent Editing Is Hurting My Freaking Brain.
Tonooka
is here and reveals that sound waves can get the creature out of the water as
he somehow (you know how, but they wont say) knows that Gappa are extremely
sensitive to certain sounds. The island boy goes to the research building where
they are holding the baby Gappa. We finally find out what the boy’s name is and
it is Saki.
I
Don’t Drink Saki As I Do Not Like The Taste Of Alcohol, But I Am Tempted To
Drink It To Try And Get Through This Dumb Film.
Saki
tries to tell the creature to go back home, forgetting all about how it is
trapped in a cage.
With
The Documentary Out, Seems Appropriate To Have The Late George Carlin Sum Up
These People
So
the military goes along with this extremely idiotic, goldfish like thinking of
a plan. As they are preparing, Itoko is upset that Tonooka seems to have his
own feelings in mind when talking about keeping the Gappa. Hiroshi then says
the he believes Itoko loves the professor, which he is wrong as Itoko admits
she loved him, but now she hates both of them.
Meanwhile,
the boy comes by with an American doctor and once again, the boy tries to plead
with them all to return Gappa. Then Hiroshi says that if they send the baby
back to them, will that send the monsters away? Well, considering that is who
they are looking for and they have stayed hidden for a really long time, I
would say that YES YOU FUCKING MORON!!!!!
But
alas, this bit of argument from him is why he does not want to return the baby
Gappa and besides, the plan to kill the parents is already in effect so they
think they should see what happens. The sound waves do work and get the
creatures out of the water.
As
for the missiles, anyone with half a brain would not be shocked that they don’t
work. But here is what they do in fact do...
Cause
A Tsunami. These Guys Really May Deserve A Darwin Award.
Oh
and now that the monsters are heading for Tokyo, these dumbasses finally consider
the idea of returning the baby. However, President Funazu does not want to give
his meal ticket away and even argues that if they give the creatures back, they
will be blamed for all of this. No seriously, that is his argument, Basically
don’t give it back because we might have to accept the damn blame.
This
Guy Is The Donald Trump Of This Film
Tonooka
and Hiroshi basically say that they are actually willing to accept the blame if
it comes because they did bring Gappa here. Funazu then says he still won’t
give back the baby as he is still thinking about Playmate Land. Even his
daughter wants him to give back the baby, but Funazu thinks she should stay out
of it because those lizards don’t have real feelings like humans. The girl then
says she doesn’t like her dad anymore since he is mean.
So
of course a scene later, the baby Gappa is brought out to a different place in
hopes of appeasing the parents. Meanwhile, the Gappa are destroying a power
station.
They
land the baby onto an airfield, but despite its cries, the parents cannot hear
it. The humans play an audio tape and try to use frequency to get the adult
Gappas to come over. The Gappas hear it just as Funazu arrives. He now wants
the Gappas to leave with the baby too and after a bit of a reunion. All three
leave.
Back
with the humans, Itoko decides that she is going to quit her job, marry an
office worker, and become a normal stay at home mom.
Sexism
Wins In This Film
After
Itoko leaves, Tonooka tells Hiroshi to go after her and he does. The final shot
is the Gappas flying over the ocean, obviously heading back home.
And
Mercifully For My Brain, This Movie Is Over.
Before
anyone asks, I tried the Japanese language version of this film too and nothing
is really different. So as far as how well this film did, well….it was the only
kaiju movie that Nikkatsu ever did so that should say how poorly it went. By
the 1970s, Nikkatsu found a new business in…..dammit, get in here Porno Pete
and explain.
Absolutely…after TV really hurt their sales, Nikkatsu decided to be in the
business of making what Japanese call pink films and called it Roman Porno. The
films focused on sex, violence, romance, and S&M. Most of the actors and
directors from the older days left during this time. Unfortunately, their doom
came after the advent of home video and in 1993, they declared bankruptcy.
Thank
you, Porno Pete.
In
2005, the company was sold and it since has made a series of films called Sushi
Typhoon which are basically low budget horror, science fiction, and fantasy
films.
Sadly
several actors since this film have passed away (that we know of, some could
have passed and we would have no clue). Paul Schumann (who played a professor)
left this mortal coil in 1980 at the age of 71. Koji Wada (who played a
character named Mashida) passed away in 1986 at the age of 42. Tamio Kawajai
(who played Hiroshi) died in 2018 at the age of 79 from a cerebral infarction,
which is a kind of stroke.
So
my final thoughts of this film is that it is a pretty bad kaiju movie although
not the worst or the most boring. The pacing in this film is all over the place
and the editing creates so many inconsistencies that I can’t even count.
Everyone in this movie (besides Saki and Funazu’s daughter) are idiots who
don’t know what the hell they are doing. This problem could have been solved a
lot earlier, but we needed to pad out this movie to reach an hour and 23
minutes. The dubbing is really bad when you listen to the English version. The
monster costumes are nice, but that’s it. If you want to see a giant monster
movie, there is soooo much better than this movie.
Now
as for our next film that Gus Richlen chose for me. It is another ripoff movie,
but this time it is a rip-off of my third favorite movie of all time Predator.
And
It Stars The Pile Of Shit Known As Kevin Sorbo
