Monster
Crap Inductee: Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter
Does Not Go As Well As Peanut Butter Cups
Does Not Go As Well As Peanut Butter Cups
1966
The
genre of the Western is an interesting one to say the least. Back in the day, there
was a glut of western movies released every year because of their easy moral
values of good vs. bad which made them easy to make, despite being not cheap.
Unfortunately as time has worn on, westerns have not been the easy moral values
due to looking back at the ugly parts as well at the time and the cost has not
gone down for them while the value of the return has been less than stellar.
Bottom line is they aren’t cheap anymore and you really have to make something
good with it to separate it from the loads and loads of other westerns.
Of
course, sadly another part of history involves for one reason or another,
trying to glorify those who were well known by many at the times and that
includes outlaws who mostly killed. Hell, a certain western The Man Who Shot
Liberty Vance had a certain quote that is still sadly used today with anyone in
“when the legend becomes fact, print the legend”, meaning even if certain
things didn’t go exactly as believed, print it anyway because it would be way
more messy to do otherwise with not as much recognition.
Take
Wrestlemania III for example and the BS attendance of 93,173 people who
attended the Pontiac Silverdome to watch it. Of course that was an inflation of
the numbers and many people have since said the real attendance is in the
70,000s, which is still a lot. However, more people will still say that the
event did the BS number because going deeper into it is messy and we don’t
really want to get that messy. It’s stupid, but there are a whole lot of
intellectual neat freaks.
So
we of course go to the Outlaws like Billy The Kid, Belle Star, Butch Cassidy,
and of course, Jesse James. We do the same to make legends of great sheriffs
like Wyatt Earp, Wild Bill Hickok, and Doc Holliday. It’s just the nature of
storytellers and thus we omit the messy parts and strongly feature the
noteworthy parts. And thus we come to this month’s induction of Jesse James
Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter.
Why
the hell we included Frankenstein’s Daughter to the mix. Well, the easy answers
are one: we need a bigger villain than the freaking outlaw who killed people
(and who sympathize with the Confederates even after The Civil War)
All
Of Which Will Of Course Never Be Mentioned. But Hey, Let’s Not Get Too Much
Into The Terrible Things Jesse Did Or We Could Be Here For Days And In Plenty
Of Arguments With People Who Somehow See Jesse James As A Robin Hood Type
Outlaw Although That Crap Has NEVER Been Proven.
And
two: all the story’s of Victor Frankenstein were set in older times in Europe
so we can’t freaking use the original guy so we create his daughter. But the
more noteworthy answer is another movie was being shot at around the same time
and it was called Billy The Kid vs. Dracula (which we’ll talk about some other
time) and both were shot at the same time in the same area so they could become
a double feature because back in those days, many movies needed to be double
features for the average theater goer to go to your movie.
Not
much to talk about with the cast and director of this film since the bigger
attention was paid to Billy The Kid vs. Dracula so let’s get to the induction.
We
begin with the opening credits and opening title crawl.
While
the credits are going on, we see people packing up and leaving town.
We
then go to a house where Juanita Lopez and her parents have decided to stay
since they are waiting for Juanita’s brother who is working at the castle that
houses Frankenstein’s granddaughter and her brother. Yes, despite the movie
talking about Frankenstein’s daughter, it is actually Frankenstein’s
granddaughter.
Anyway,
Juanita is upset that the Frankenstein’s will not let her see her brother
because he has “the sickness”. She is upset that ever since those two came
here, men have died and the town is being abandoned. These dead people weren’t
even getting Christian burials so Juanita definitely thinks those two are
killing while the parents (who were played by two actors who were and stayed
married) believe the Frankenstein’s BS about this disease. We then go to a
painting of a house.
Inside,
we see doctors Maria and Rudolph Frankenstein trying to experiment with
Francisco Lopez
Don’t
Ask About The Stupid Hat
Rudolph
is not happy to keep doing these experiments while Maria loves it and loves the
place they live in because of the number of thunderstorms that happen here. Rudolph
also wants to go back to Vienna, but Maria reminds him that they were chased
out of Vienna so they can’t go back. They try to turn Francisco into a monster
that Maria can control. Francisco wakes up for a second, but then passes out.
Maria wants him to get an injection of something to keep him alive, however
Rudolph uses poison instead.
Francisco
dies and Maria is upset that her attempts to create a monster who she can
control has failed again. She uses notes from her grandfather and thinks she
needs to find someone young and strong to be her next experiment. Yeah, Maria
is definitely all kinds of evil in this film. Rudolph mentions that this caused
the deaths of their grandfather and father and Maria calls her father a
weakling, while also saying that Rudolph reminds her of her dad. Rudolph
mentions Juanita and Maria is not happy about her interference. Rudolph is more
upset about them being alone without the town. Maria says they are safer here
than anywhere else in the world. She then talks about finding the right man for
her experiments.
We
then go to the man who might fit the bill for what she wants in Hank Tracy, who
is fighting right now.
Not
A Real Member Of The Gang
He
wins his fight which helps his friend gets some money.
The
guy he was betting against tries to not pay up for losing the bet on who is the
better fighter, but then the friend reveals that he is Jesse James.
Yep…..This Friend Here Is Jesse James
He
takes the bet money and Jesse reveals that the James Gang was not killed up in
Northridge, but they have been on the run ever since.
Gotta
stop here. The James-Younger Gang were never in Northridge. They were in
Northfield, Minnesota (which is where most of the gang got annihilated in a
botched bank heist), but they were never in a place called Northridge. In fact,
Northridge is in California while the James-Younger Gang were mostly in
Missouri, although the Northfield issue happened in Minnesota.
Back
to the film, they get a big juicy steak and pay for it with the saloon owner’s
own money. Afterwards, Jesse and Hank meet up with a gang that is called The
Wild Bunch.
Oh
I Wish It Were That Wild Bunch
But
instead it is these guys.
One
of the guys named Lonny Curry is upset that his brother called in Jesse James
to help as this was their scheme and they shouldn’t have to share. The other
guy named Butch slaps Lonny and reveals that they are brothers. Lonny wishes
Butch had talked it over with him, but Butch says that he is the leader and he
doesn’t have to talk about it with anyone. Jesse and Hank arrive and talk over
business and like the James Gang, the Wild Bunch has also had issues as there
are only 3 men left. We find out that Jesse’s brother is hiding out in Kentucky
as a preacher (and Frank will never show up in this film and of course, he
wouldn’t because he settled down in Virginia after being done with all this
shit and not Kentucky). Once again, Jesse has to prove he is who he is.
Meanwhile,
Lonny has decided to betray the gang to the local marshal MacPhee.
He
gets MacPhee on board and says that he plans on going clean after this deal. So
the Wild Bunch and the James Gang try the scheme and it turns out to be a trap
with the marshal arriving and Butch gets killed.
Jesse
and Hank try to get away, but Hank gets injured thanks to a pot shot from
Lonny.
Jesse’s
shots force Lonny to run so Jesse and Hank get away. With the Wild Bunch dead,
Lonny goes with Marshal MacPhee to chase after Jesse and Hank. Jesse and Hank
find a place to rest for the night and wouldn’t you know it, the Lopez family
have set up camp there as well.
The
Lopez family first thinks Jesse and Hank are there to rob them, but Jesse
assures them that the two mean no harm and just need a place to camp for the
night. Juanita sees that Hank has been shot and Jesse gives the excuse that
Hank was cleaning his gun and it went off. Juanita tells them there is a doctor
in the town of Prescott, but they cannot go into that town. Juanita understands
and says she knew exactly that they were outlaws as soon as she saw them. Juanita
says she will take Hank to the doctors which Jesse is grateful for. Juanita
tells her parents that she will be taking them to the doctor and that her
parents should continue on their way, with her joining them later. The parents
are against this idea, but she goes anyway during the night when the parents
are sleeping.
The
next day, Lonny and MacPhee come upon the Lopez parents. They say they are
looking for a big man who is wounded and a smaller man. The Lopez dad says he
has not seen them, but it seems they left money. Lonny threatens the parents,
but the marshal tells him to leave them alone.
Jesse,
Juanita, and Hank stop for the day with Juanita going to get some water for
Hank. A Native American kidnaps Juanita and fights Jesse with Jesse winning in
the end by using the native’s own knife against him.
There
are more Native Americans coming so Jesse and Juanita hide until the natives
leave because even Jesse knows that he would get killed thanks to the numbers
game. Afterwards, Jesse and Juanita kiss which I guess makes them a couple now.
Yeah….I
Doubt The Real Jesse James Would Do This Considering In One The James-Younger
Gang (The Actual Name Of The Gang) Train Robberies, They Wore Freaking KKK Hoods.
Juanita
then takes Jesse and Hank back into town and since Maria and Rudolph
Frankenstein are technically doctors, that is who Juanita takes them too. This
of course is despite the fact that Juanita knows those two are up to no good
which confuses the hell out of me.
Rudolph
is very nervous about all of this while Maria is all too happy to help,
especially since Hank is the type of big man she has been looking for. Maria
tells Jesse to wait in the hall while the two doctors examine Hank. While
examining, Hank blurts out that his friend is Jesse James and that makes Maria
really happy.
McPhee
and Lonny come into town and go to the house that Juanita seems to be in. Because
they don’t know who Juanita is despite meeting her parents, the marshal just
introduces themselves and asks if she has seen the two men they are looking
for, which Juanita is of course going to deny. The marshal even looks around
(without a warrant) and finds nothing, although he didn’t really look.
Jesse
James goes over to the Frankenstein house and going by the name of Mr. Howard,
asks how his friend is doing. Maria says he is very sick and has a high
temperature, but she assures him that her brother is an excellent doctor. Maria
invites Jesse to the library and asks if Juanita told them any terrible tales
about them, which Jesse says she hasn’t told him anything about them. Maria is
curious about that and that just makes Jesse curious about why they would think
Juanita would say anything about them. Maria then explains that her brother and
her are scientists who got kicked out of their home country and are living here
because their experiments, which she believes may be ahead of the time,
displeased the locals. We also find out that the place they live in now used to
be a monastery. It doesn’t play into anything so that info is completely…
Maria
then offers Jesse some food and Jesse is about to eat when there is a knock on
the door. Maria answers the door while Jesse hides and of course, it is MacPhee
and Lonny. They ask the same question they asked Juanita and she gives them the
same answer. Maria does though ask MacPhee where they will be staying if she
sees anything and the marshal says that since he believes that the two outlaws
are holed up somewhere nearby, that they will spend a few days in the nearby
town of Shelby. After they leave, Maria goes back to Jesse and says he can stay
the night while Hank is being taken care of. Jesse accepts and Maria leaves to
see if her brother needs some help.
She
goes to Rudolph and tells him that these two men are wanted men and that the
marshal is nearby in case things go wrong. Rudolph wants her to stop the
experiment, but Maria is insistent that her grandfather’s dreams must be kept
alive. Maria then tells Rudolph to get Juanita to help out so the evil
scientist can keep an eye on her. When Rudolph leaves, Maria remarks how
perfect a specimen Hank is.
We
then go to Juanita who has come to the house and is checking on Hank. Hank
wakes up and he talks about how good Juanita has been to him and Jesse since
they have arrived. Hank wants Juanita to go with them, but she declines as she
plans on staying here because the townspeople will come back when the
Frankensteins leave. Hank thinks she might be wrong about them as they are
treating him very well, but she explains her brother’s death and she blames the
Frankensteins for it. Hank wants to stay with her (a hint he may be falling for
her) and she says he mustn’t as they are outlaws. She leaves with Hank saying
her name before he goes back to sleep.
We
then cut to Juanita and Jesse as they are walking outside. She tells Jesse that
Hank asked her to join them when they left and Jesse sighs. She asks Jesse if
he wants her to go with them and Jesse is very mixed on the idea because as he
does like her, he knows he has done some terrible things and he doesn’t want the
consequences for those terrible things to fall on her too. They kiss again and
tells her that that kiss is his answer, which means yes. Juanita then decides
that she can’t leave town so she still won’t go with them, but she did have to
know if Jesse did want her. Jesse is a bit frustrated that this whole debate
was pointless to begin with, but she tells him that she doesn’t trust the
Frankensteins and she doesn’t want him to get hurt. She then tells them that
they need to leave once Hank is better. Another kiss and Juanita says that some
day when things are different, he will come back, which Jesse agrees with. Maria
comes out and wants to speak with Jesse, which Juanita takes her leave.
Jesse
asks why the town is a ghost town and Maria says that they are scientists and
these people are ignorant so they’ve run away. Jesse comments on the graves and
Maria says they got sick and were weak, unlike Hank. Jesse asks how soon they
can leave and Maria wants to speak to him about that. She wants them to stay,
but Jesse says he made a promise that Hank and him would leave as soon as Hank
was well. Then Maria makes the moves on Jesse.
I
Guess In The Wild West, Women In Their 30s Could Not Help But Fall In Love With
Skinny Guys With Mustaches
Unfortunately
for her, Jesse is not interested in her as he is in love with someone else. He
says that they will leave as soon as Hank is well to travel. Maria does not
take rejection well and storms off. The next day, Rudolph comes to his sister
and Maria tells him to give Jesse this envelope. She tells him to tell Jesse
that it is a prescription for Hank in the nearby town of Shelby, which he is to
give to the pharmacist. She also tells him to tell him that Hank has taken a
turn for the worse so he needs the medicine. Rudolph knows this is a lie and
says what is really on the note, which Maria replies that it is a note that
says the note bearer is Jesse James, who has a price on his head. She is
setting him up to die, which she would have done herself….but she wanted Jesse
for herself. Rudolph tries to talk her out of this, but Maria is determined to
make him pay for choosing Juanita over her. Rudolph laughs that Maria is human
like the rest of us after all and she is pissed so she slaps him. Rudolph then
meekly leaves and does what he is told.
We
then go to Jesse telling Juanita that he needs to get medicine for Hank and
Juanita is suspicious as she saw him this morning and he was fine. Juanita
tells him that they are just sending him away to get rid of him and of course,
Jesse (not acting like the outlaw he really is) believes the Frankensteins
would have no reason to get rid of him.
Yeah….have
to stop you there. At the later stages of Jesse James’ life, Jesse was not
exactly trusting of anyone, but two people. And the hilarious and ironic thing
is those two men who he trusted were the brothers Charley and Robert Ford? And
as you have guessed from a certain 2007 film starring Brad Pitt, those brothers
(particularly Robert) who be the ones who shot him in the back of the head
while he was hanging and cleaning a picture to his wall (in St. Joseph. Missouri…might
I add). So the more realistic outcome is Jesse James leaves, sneakily reads the
letter in the envelope, sees it is a trap, goes back to the house to shoot both
Maria and Rudolph, get Hank up, and just before leaving town, shoot Juanita
while revealing he never really loved her since he only loves his freaking
cousin (although he may have also wanted to have sex with his sister too
because Jesse loved to keep his love in the family).
My
Thoughts Exactly, Ice Cube…
Back
to the movie, Jesse says that he will be back despite Maria telling him not to
go. So as Jesse rides off to Shelby, Maria and Rudolph get Hank prepared for
the experiment.
And
Put An Obvious Bald Cap On His Head Because They Are Going To Need A Bald Head
For When They Do The Brain Transplant Since Hair Does Make Things Really Messy.
Rudolph
once again tries to tell Maria how insane this is, but Maria says they shall
soon see which one of them is insane. Maria also assumes that Jesse will be
dead in Shelby so there is no need to worry about repercussions from him. Lightning
awakes Juanita and she decides to sneak into the Frankenstein house to see what
they are doing. By the time Juanita sees what the Frankensteins are doing, it
is too late as Hank has a new brain.
And
Fake Stitches On His Head
A
dog starts making noises and Maria tells Rudolph to silence that dog. Rudolph
does so and returns as Maria puts on a hat that will sync her thoughts to that
of Hank’s.
Or
Maybe She Is Trying To Do A Terrible Cosplay Of Jay Garrick Flash. Who Knows.
She
gives commands that say that Hank Tracy will now be known as Igor.
Meh,
Prefer This Igor Instead As He Is More Fun
Igor
starts getting up, but goes back down. When Maria needs more juice, Rudolph
tries the same poison trick he did on Francisco, but since his dumbass left the
bottle out…Maria caught him this time. She fights with Rudolph and Igor
suddenly arises again. Under Maria’s command, he kills Rudolph
Juanita
in distress runs away to find Jesse while Maria demands Igor get Juanita for
her. They go to Juanita’s house and with her not there, Maria thinks she is
going to Jesse, but assumes Jesse will still be caught so she doesn’t care. We
then cut to the town of Shelby the next day where Jesse gives the pharmacist
the letter that he thinks is a prescription for what Hank needs.
The
pharmacist reads the note, realizes this is Jesse James, tells Jesse he has to
go get the medicine, and immediately finks to Lonny, who is at the sheriff’s
office.
Lonny
thinks he can take care of this himself (as the marshal and sheriff are out
looking at a tip someone gave as where they may be hiding) and tries to ambush
Jesse, but wouldn’t you know it, Lonny is a failure and is now a dead failure.
Jesse
is upset with the pharmacist, but the pharmacist says he only did what it said
to do on the note. Jesse reads the note and realizes he has been betrayed by
Maria so he heads back to stop her. He meets up with Juanita and tells him of
what Maria has done to Hank. She says she will be going to the marshal for help
and Jesse does not have a problem with that. We cut to Juanita telling the
marshal the whole story and the marshal believes it so he is on his way.
We
then cut to Maria having Rudolph’s body buried by Igor and they return to the
house just as Jesse James returns. Maria, realizing her plan for him to get
captured in Shelby has failed, lets him in and soon has Igor go after Jesse and
knock him out, with Maria planning for Jesse to suffer the same fate as Hank.
Igor
looks at Jesse quizzically as if he might be remembering he is Hank, but Maria
sends Igor to his room. Maria knocks Jesse out again and is about to
experiment, but both Juanita and McPhee show up to interfere. MacPhee sees
Jesse restrained and Maria summons Igor to knock out the marshal. Igor does so
and Juanita shows up. Maria wants Igor to get Maria, but Juanita for some
reasons spark memories and confusion in Igor/Hank so he decides he is going to
kill Maria instead.
Maria
dies and tries to do the same to Jesse, but Juanita decides to shoot Hank/Igor,
who dies after saying Juanita’s name a few times. Hank is given a funeral and the
two separate after a kiss as Jesse must go with the marshal and Juanita must
stay in her village in hopes of people coming back now that the Frankensteins
are dead.
And
That Is The End Of This Movie
Not much is known about the box office so I can only say the movie was considered terrible by critics. And as
you would guess, almost everyone in this film has since passed away (the only
person who is still alive is Mark Norton (who played Francisco Lopez. the first
person to die in movie oddly enough)). This would be the final acting film of
Estelita Rodriguez (who played Juanita) as nearly a month before this film was
released, Estelita would be found dead on her kitchen floor in 1966 at the young
age of 37 and due to the fact that there was no autopsy (I’m going to an
autopsy would have been against Estelita’s family’s wishes) so the cause of her
death is still unknown.
The
rest were not as sudden and unknown as Estelita’s. Nestor Paiva (who played the
saloon owner who lost the bet to Jesse James in that fight) died the same year
of this movie (although in September) at the age of 61, but his death was
because of cancer. This would also be the last film of William Beadine (the
director), but he would live until 1970 where he died at the age of 78 from
uremic poisoning (nothing foul play like, just something where the kidneys stop
blocking toxins out through your urine and is extremely rare). Steven Geray
(who played Rudolph Frankenstein) died in 1973 at the age of 69. William
Fawcett (who played the pharmacist) died in 1974 at the age of 79 from natural
causes. Duke Fishman (who played an uncredited role as a townsperson) passed
away in 1977 at the age of 71 after suffering a heart attack. Dan White (who
played Pete Ketchum, the other member of the Wild Bunch) died in 1980 at the
age of 72. Page Slattery (who played Deputy Andy) passed away in 1980 at the
age of 52. Jim Davis (who played MacPhee) passed away in 1981 at the age of 75
(in Northridge, California oddly enough) from multiple myeloma). Loren Brown
(who had an uncredited role as a townsperson) died in 1989 at the age of 72.
Narda Onyx (who played Maria Frankenstein) died in 1991 at the age of 59. John
Lipton (who played Jesse James) passed away in 1993 at the age 65 from heart
disease. Felipe Turich (who played Juanita’s dad) died in 1993 at the age of 93
from pneumonia. Fred Stemrose (who played that guy who Hank beat in that fight)
passed away in 1994 at the age of 64. Roger Creed (who played Butch Curry)
passed away in 1997 at the age of 82. Rosa Turich (who played Juanita’s mom)
passed away in 1998 at the age of 95 from a stroke. Rayford Barnes (who played
Lonny Curry) passed away in 2000 at the age of 80. Cal Bolder (who played Hank
Tracy/Igor) died in 2005 at the age of 73 from cancer.
So
now it is time for my final thoughts on the film and…the film is just there. It
is actually kind of boring if you think about it and in all honestly, take away
the whole Frankenstein stuff and you have one of the most generic westerns you
will ever see. Nobody is really any good or even interesting in any way. It is
one of those films that will go one way in your brain and one way out the other
side of your brain. Cannot really give this any kind of recommendation.
Hey
NegaSeth…
What?
What
do you have for me next time and I hope it isn’t as generic as this film.
Oh
be careful what you ask for because the next film will not be as generic as
this one. It’s the return of an old friend to Monster Crap who after one decent
movie, made his return to crap with the sequel. But don’t worry, he’ll be your
friend till the end.
