1997 Short
quick story so I can get on with things.
In
the mid-90s, before the boy band craze and attractive teenage girl craze hit us
like a brick in the late 90s, there was this big British act that hit the scene
screaming “Girl Power” known as the Spice Girls, comprised of Baby Spice,
Ginger Spice, Posh Spice, Scary Spice, and Sporty Spice. And of course, they
were a huge smash for their time with several hit songs so of course with many
musical acts that hit it so big that you can’t escape them even if you wanted
to, you get a movie made about you. Okay,
I’m going to be honest here. At the beginning of the Spice Girls reign of fame,
I did not hate them. I mean, I didn’t love them. But I tolerated them,
especially since it was an easy way to get annoy my brother as he had that
phase where he wanted to hear Hanson’s “MmmBop” all the damn time. Yeah, Spice
Girls were my freaking payback as he couldn’t stand them. Also, I had a bit of
an attraction for Ginger Spice.
I
Think I’ve Told You I Had An Attraction To Red-Heads And That Attraction Was
Around When I Was Younger Too. However,
even they got to a point to where I could not stand them anymore and by the
time this Spice World movie came out, I was long past that period. Also, every
freaking trailer of this movie sent huge red flags that said to me “You really
don’t want to see this film.” And
because they were a big deal in the UK (as well as the US, but UK was their
home), they could basically get almost anyone around there to be in their
little film if they wanted them so of course, you got names like Roger Moore,
Elvis Costello, Bob Geldoff, Stephen Fry, Elton John, Richard O’Brien, Alan
Cumming, George Wendt, Hugh Laurie, among many other big celebrities that were
in the UK at the time. And
with a film like this, you are going to have several people who were in
previous Monster Crap inductions like…
Meat
Loaf (Who Was In "Bloodrayne")
Jason
Flemying (Who Was In That Terrible "Clash Of The Titans" Remake)
Bob
Hoskins from "Super Mario Bros".
Barry
Humphries From Howling III: The Marsupials (Who For Some Dumb Reason, I Called
Him Mark Humphries In That Induction) And
others like David Fahm (who was in Wing Commander) and Dominic West (who was in
Star War – Episode 1: The Phantom Menace). Let’s
get to the review. We
begin this film with a music video.
That
Gives Us Our Title. And
then the opening of a music video which leads to them singing the same song in
front of a crowd of cheering fans for some TV show.
After
that, the girls are heading to their bus while talking to Clifford, their
agent.
Ah,
Richard Grant. He’s
a bigger deal in the UK than the US, but he has done a good share of roles in
memorable films like Bram Stoker’s Dracula, The Age of Innocence, Gosford Park,
The Iron Lady, Logan, and just recently, Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker. But
I will always remember him for being the one of the two main villains in a
guilty pleasure of mine, and my brother in Hudson Hawk.
Both
Villains Sucked In That Film. But
please don’t mention that film to him as he has complete disdain for Hudson
Hawk and will completely insult you for liking that film, even if it is a
guilty pleasure, as he considers it the worst film he has ever done. Now I
understand it might be more that it was a disaster to work on than it was a disaster
watching, which paints a lot more of an ugly picture for many actors (see Bob
Hoskins with Super Mario Bros.) However, to be honest, when you have films like
The Rise of Skywalker and this on your credits as well, I don’t think Hudson
Hawk was the worst film he worked on, but that is just a personal opinion. I
have rambled on enough on this subject, but let’s get back to the film. Oh
and we also meet Alan Cumming as Piers, a reporter who will be hounding the
Spice Girls throughout the whole film.
He’ll
Probably Be Mentioned In Future Inductions. And
Elton John shows up for his cameo.
Great
Musician. “Still Standing” Is Definitely In My Top 10 Of Favorite Songs To
Listen To. Anyway,
Piers was hoping to get an interview with them, but they walk by without even
noticing him. They go outside where there is a crap ton of fans waiting for
them.
They
sign autographs and eventually head to their bus, which is driven by Dennis.
Ah,
I See Meat Loaf’s Character Has The Same Name As My Little Brother. The
bus is being driven to their next location and we see the Spice Girls in each
of their section of the main room, which is made to be completely made for
their gimmick and they act like what they are supposed to be with Baby Spice
acting like a kid, Posh Spice trying to be all fashionable, Ginger talking
about horoscopes, Scary Spice making a complete mess looking for something, and
Sporty Spice lifting a dumbbell because she likes sports.
Then
they start roughhousing while Posh is still more concerned about what to wear.
Clifford
goes on the PA on the bus to announce a press conference is coming up, which
means they all need to smile and accept that they are going to be asked a lot
of dumb questions. This press conference of course to announce a show that will
be playing at Royal Albert Hall.
Oh,
Hi….Jonathan Ross Meanwhile,
we meet a producer and a writer.
NORM!!!!!
And Mark McKinney from Kids In The Hall. The
film producer named Martin Banfield wants their next movie to be starring the
Spice Girls. The writer named Graydon thinks he has an idea of what the movie
should be and says obvious stuff without saying what the plot is when Martin
interrupts and says he loves it. Back on the bus, Clifford gets a phone call on
his bus from his boss named Chief.
Chief
Throughout This Movie Will Just Say Nonsensical Things That Sound Good When
Said On Their Own, But Don’t Make Sense In Context Of What Is Going On In The
Scene.
Oh
And The Chief Makes A Vodka Martini That Is Shaken And Stirred. (Instead Of
Shaken, Not Stirred That James Bond Likes)
Oh
And I Forgot To Mention Deborah Is Here To And She Is Clifford’s Assistant. The
Spice Girls practice for their show while Piers tells his crew about the camera
being the window to the soul and that he must be the main focus of all shots.
The Spice Girls then meet their old friend Nicola, who is pregnant.
Nicola
talks about feeling terrible while pregnant and of course, if you know any
movie, that pregnancy will probably end in a birth before this film is through.
Oh and of course, her boyfriend (and the baby’s dad) left her. By the way,
Piers asks the manager Clifford about his idea of wanting to show the real
Spice Girls and he is okay with that, as long as they remain on schedule. The
Spice Girls then imagine themselves being pregnant.
Ah
To Review This Film More Than 20 Years Later And Know They All Would End Up
Having Kids. The
Spice Girls then have to go back to practicing for their gig at Royal Albert
Hall. Then we go to the headquarters of the newspaper The Daily Event.
Obviously
A Jab At The UK Newspaper The Daily Sun, Considering What Will Be Going On. We
then meet the paper’s top editor Kevin McMaxford.
He
is of course tired of covering the Spice Girls and instead of you know, just
not covering them anymore…he wants to break them up.
Oh
And Kevin’s Assistant Brad Is Played By Jason Flemying, Who Starred In “Lock,
Stock, And Two Smoking Barrels” And
as they are devising their devious scheme, it starts randomly raining on Brad.
Back
on the bus, Ginger is beating Scary at chess and Scary just says screw the
whole game. Meanwhile, at a restaurant, Martin and Graydon try to pitch a movie
idea starring the Spice Girls to Clifford about them being five sisters trying
to support an elderly grandmother and the way to break out of poverty is for
Sporty Spice to become an Olympic Ski Jump Champion, but Sporty would need to
overcome her fear of heights and snow. Clifford has the same reaction as I
would.
Yeah,
He Thinks It Stinks. Graydon
then pitches another idea involving crocodiles, but we need to move back to the
Spice Girls so we don’t hear the whole pitch. They talk about how Baby Spice
has a cute little smile which would allow her to get away with anything and
just like that, we go to where Baby Spice has obviously killed someone and she
gets away with it as Hercule Poirot fingers someone else for the murder.
Soon
they talk about fish and Ginger Spice says the largest fish in the world is a
manta ray.
Um….I
Think The Whale Shark Would Like To Have A Word With You. Hell, I Knew That Years Before This Film Came Out. They
are tired of being stereotyped so they decide to switch looks at a photoshoot
where they also pretend to be famous icons.
Hi
Dominic West Anyway,
Ginger tries to be Sporty, Sporty tries to be Posh, Scary tries to be Ginger,
Baby tries to be Scary, and Posh tries to be Baby.
Back
at the Daily Event, Brad gets off the phone and tells Kevin that he hired the
best spy reporter in the game in Damien. Kevin wonders where he is and Damien
just shows up revealing that he also found some pictures of Kevin doing some
naughty things.
None
Of Them Were Of Anyone Doing The Time Warp Again Or Richard O’Brien Would Have
To Sue. Next
up is them going to a publicity party where they get to meet several cameos for
this film.
Like
Jennifer Saunders Of Absolutely Fabulous Hanging With Posh Spice.
Scary
Spice Hanging Out With Bob Geldof. Oh,
and she messed up Bob’s hair.
Dammit
Scary, That Man Did Live Aid. Leave His Hair Alone. I’m
sure there is more that I missed, but honestly I have a decent excuse of living
in the US so I don’t know as much about English Pop Culture than some other
people. However, I am trying my best to point as many cameos out as possible. Piers
has been having trouble getting in, but is able to get in thanks to Nicola, who
just lets him be with her. Nicola then asks all of the Spice Girls to be
godmothers to the baby, which is also ironic more than twenty years later
because I think several of the Spice Girls are godmothers to some of the Spice
Girls’ kids.
Oh
Hi, Neil Mullarkey Of The Comedy Store Players Oh
and Damien is doing some pretty good hiding.
During
an interview, Ginger is asked if she likes boys and Ginger just sarcastically
asks if the Pope is Catholic. Now normally, that would be the end of it as the
answer would obviously be “yes”. But this is a comedy so Damien is able to use
that quote and make the Spice Girls out to legit demand to know if the Pope is
Catholic. And we have a Bishop who is interviewed and very upset by the idea
that someone would ask if the Pope was Catholic.
Hi
Richard Briers. He’s An English TV Legend Clifford
calls Chief about the backlash over the comments and Chief says something else
non-sensical. Then, the Spice Girls head to Milan, Italy for a TV special. At
rehearsal, they encounter a new problem as the director of this special wants
his dancers present and in trunks.
Clifford
is completely against this, but the director says these Dream Boys must be
backup dancers to them.
Eventually
a compromise is reached and the Dream Boys are backup dancers, but with assless
pants to show their asses in speedos.
Then
they head back to London. They go back on their bus and have to stop in the
middle of the woods because they need to go to the bathroom as the bathrooms on
the bus are broken. Dennis explains that it is hard enough to get a plumber if
you stay in one place, but it gets even harder to get a plumber when you are
moving around all the time. Clifford asks Dennis to fix them and he says while
he loves the Spice Girls and will do anything for them, he won’t do that.
Of
Course They Had To Get That Line In There. The
Spice Girls go deeper in the woods and soon, they come across a UFO.
Now,
I’m sure you are all asking me why am I inducting this film about the Spice
Girls touring around and random shenanigans going on. Well, I was thinking the
same thing which is why it was not nominated for a long time until Cecil
Trachtenberg of Good Bad Flicks did a video about this film and I got to learn
this was here. You see, the reason Spice World is being inducted is that there
are aliens who are Spice Girls fans.
Thanks,
Cecil Trachenburg For My Nightmare. You Just Had To Mention This As I Was Blissfully
Ignorant Of This And That Was Good. But Now, Here I Am Inducting This. There
is so much wrong with this scene. Like the aliens speaking in alien language
and the Spice Girls understanding every word they are saying. Or the one alien
wanting Posh to sign his belly which is a normal human belly under the costume.
Or the first thing these aliens think of doing is grabbing Scary’s boob. This
is so dumb and I can’t believe I have to talk about this. After the aliens
leave, they try to tell Clifford about it and he doesn’t believe them of
course. And finally, the worst part is, other than one scene later which I will
get to later, this whole crap is never mentioned again. It’s basically a Big
Lipped Alligator Moment of random insanity that is just pointless to the rest
of the film and has no point in being there. Clifford
tells his assistant Deborah that he is going to stand up to the Chief and be
assertive that the girls need the morning off. So he calls and the Chief says
something nonsensical and of course, that is that. Clifford isn’t assertive at
all and the girls get no breaks. The Spice Girls think they have the morning
off, but Clifford has to break the news that they don’t. The Spice Girls aren’t
happy, but they accept that although they pretend they don’t and then laugh
when he believed them. The
Spice Girls then go to Dance Camp and it is basically a Boot Camp in a mansion
for dancing headed by Mr. Step.
Hello,
Michael Barrymore: Famous British TV Comedian And Presenter It’s
just pointless boot camp shenanigans that just get the Spice Girls in camo.
And
Of Course Posh Has To Do All Of This In High Heels Because She Is The
Fashionable One That
night, Damien comes up from out of the toilet.
I
See Someone Saw Ghoulies Unfortunately,
his noises wake the Spice Girls up who decide to start exploring the mansion to
see what that noise is. Ultimately, they all share the same bed because they
are so scared by the noises. While talking, they all reveal that they have had
nightmares about this live show at Royal Albert Hall. Of course, their worries
are heard by Damien, who is under the bed.
And
of course it becomes news on the next Daily Event.
Clifford
is throwing knives at that paper and screams about how he hates that paper. He then
confronts the girls and they tell him to chill out over it. They make fun of
him for getting all worked up and he leaves in anger with Deborah behind him,
hoping to calm him down. The Spice Girls meanwhile think that Clifford and
Deborah should be an item and maybe that will calm Clifford down. Then
we go to Martin and Graydon trying another pitch to Clifford for a Spice Girls
movie. A plane is hijacked by alien terrorists, the pilot having a computer
disk that contains a virus that could destroy the world, and the Prime Minister
has to call in the Spice Force 5.
Baby
is the martial arts expert.
Sporty
is Counter Espionage Agent
Scary
is the explosives expert
Ginger
being the master of disguise.
It's A-Me, A Bob Hoskins Cameo.
And
Posh…..does something.
She
Does Cat Noises, But It Is Never Specified If She Speaks To Animals As Graydon
Gets All Hot And Bothered Talking About Her. Clifford
doesn’t seem to like this either and we then go to Piers who talks about two
kid fans who just won time a trip around London with the Spice Girls.
The
two kids hang with the Spice Girls and ultimately, the Spice Girls decide to
ditch the bus and Clifford so they can take the girls on a speed boating trip.
Shenanigans
ensue as they are being followed by Piers and his crew who are trying to
document the whole thing in a crappy tugboat.
Of
course, the boat nearly collides with a log and in the turn, the kids fall in
the water.
The
Spice Girls have to save the kids and sadly, this is all documented by Damien
who was in the water as well.
Clifford
freaks out over the whole thing and at Royal Albert Hall during practice,
scolds them for their care-free attitude. This all leads to an argument where
the Spice Girls leave and consider not showing up for the gig tomorrow.
Clifford yells as he thinks he may have started the break-up of the Spice
Girls.
At
a bar, Clifford is trying to assure Chief that everything is fine. But Chief
knows things aren’t fine and tells Clifford his job is on the line while saying
non-sensical catchphrases. Of course, Damien is once again there and more news
(especially one causing show issues) makes Kevin happy.
That
night while in separate rooms, Ginger is watching a black and white movie that
makes her cry thinking about the past and then we go to a long time ago.
Whole
Spice Girls Problem Resolved As
they are eating, they wonder where their next single is going to go and then
they imagine being in a sort of Pop Culture Court where they have been found
guilty of “releasing a single that is as kicking as your previous records nor
does it have such a wicked dirty fat baseline.”
Hey,
Stephen Fry. The
sentence is having their next record enter the charts at 179 before dropping
straight out the following week and furthermore, they are sentenced to having
to appear on cheesy chat shows in Taiwan, talking about how they used to be
famous. The judge then wants to call “Howtie And The Blowfish”. I am so sure
that Stephen Fry came up with that entire bit on improv as he and Hugh Laurie
were a great comedic duo at the time, before doing their own things and still
being freaking famous. I recommend listen to some old “A Bit Of Fry and Laurie”
episodes. I put 5 sketches as just a preview.
They
regret how they have no time for their friends like Nicola and they go to her.
Meanwhile, at a bar, Clifford has gotten completely drunk. Deborah comes in and
she says that she prefers their situation than the girls as fame is such a
fickle thing. Oh and Elvis Costello is the bartender.
Deborah
talks about how they will end up drunk and probably have a night of passion
that destroys their professional relationship. Clifford’s response to that is
to have a grin and say, “Well, I’m up for it if you are”
Meanwhile,
the Spice Girls have taken Nicola to a night club. The Spice Girls dance while
Nicola watches. But of course, the baby might finally be deciding to come out.
The Spice Girls stop dancing and try to take Nicola to a hospital. While
waiting at the hospital, two parents ask the Spice Girls if they can help wake
their son up, who is in a bit of a coma. After a few words, he wakes up.
The
next day at Royal Albert Hall, we obviously see something happened between
Clifford and Deborah and Clifford still feels bad. They still have no idea
where the girls are. We go back to the hospital as the Spice Girls talk about
how much pain it is to give birth…..in front of the woman who may give birth
any time now. Scary gets a call from Deborah and tell her they are at the
hospital with Deborah and they aren’t leaving. Then, we go back to Royal Albert
Hall and Clifford cannot believe they may miss this show. Deborah tries to say
it is loyalty and Clifford calls it insanity. He also thinks the girls are
doing this to spite him and make him crack. Oh
back at the hospital, one of the nurses is leaving and admits she is going to
see the Spice Girls show tonight….not noticing that the Spice Girls are right
in front of her. Nicola then finally tells them to not wait for her and go do
the show. Ginger gets a call from Clifford and tells him that she has no idea
when they will be there as the world can wait. And we see Clifford saying…
Clifford:
It
Can’t Take This Long To Have A Baby!!! Piers
sees that Clifford is about to crack so he has his crew put a camera on
Clifford and tries to get a word in from him. Clifford then spits on the boom
mic, but is saved when Martin and Graydon come by and ask if Clifford has time
as they have another pitch idea for a Spice Girls movie. Clifford decides that
it might be a good idea to listen to this pitch since he is so stressed out.
Meanwhile, Piers says on camera that obviously all hope for this show is surely
dashed. Back
at the hospital, Nicola is in the process of giving birth and the Spice Girls
are arguing. Posh Spice gets slapped (she asked for it) and Nicola finally
gives birth to a baby girl.
Um….I
Think That Baby Was Born A Few Days Ago And May Be A Boy. Ginger
then says “That is Girl Power” and of course because the baby is born, it is
time for them to rush to the show. Oh, but first they run into Damien who was
pretending to be a surgeon.
BUSTED!!!! Damien
starts running and the Spice Girls chase him. He runs into a gurney and hits
his head on the wall. By the way, suddenly, we start hearing Graydon pitching
this movie as it is happening. Graydon comes to and sees the Spice Girls
looking at him and Damien realizes that as a tabloid reporter, he has been
living a meaningless lie. Damien then decides to go after Kevin and print a
story damaging his reputation.
So
now the Spice Girls are rushing in their bus to get to Royal Albert Hall. They
get to the bus and Dennis isn’t there. Because of this and not having much
time, Posh decides she is going to drive the bus instead, leaving Dennis
behind.
They
have a high speed bus dash to get there. Graydon says that as they are going
down Trafalgar and passes by Buckingham Palace, Prince William tells his
grandmother Queen Elizabeth that he saw the Spice Girls passing by. By the way,
we only get told this happens because as you know, the Royal Family don’t act
much in actual movies. Then suddenly the Spice Girls are on top of the bus (for
no other reason then “The Rules” as Martin says).
No
Reason Other Than That Is “The Rules” In This Type Of Movie But
as all of this is going on, we see that Clifford is starting to get into this
pitch and wants to know what happens next. Graydon says that two old nuns pull
up in a mini-van right in front of them and Posh stops which puts all the Spice
Girls back inside the bus.
The
Spice Girls are then coming up on the Tower Bridge and the drawbridge is
rising. But since the Spice Girls need to make this show, they jump from one
half of the bridge to the other. Oh and we don’t see this part because it is
way too expensive and we are only told it happens. Well, okay…..we do see it.
But
Should This Really Freaking Count. Dear God, This Is 1997, Guys!!!! Oh
and then just as they think they are safe, they discover that there is a bomb
on the bus.
Even
Martin Is Like “What Bomb?” Why
is the bomb there is anyone’s guess, besides “Those are the rules”.
Oh
Well…..Plot Hole Martin
grabs him and screams to stopping putting the Spice Girls in danger.
Graydon
then says they get to the building and burst through that door right there.
Because they didn’t burst through that door, Clifford now wants to strangle
Graydon.
Suddenly,
the legendary music that played while Rocky was running up the steps in “Rocky”
plays as the Spice Girls get there and run up the steps. They get stopped by
the cops for their reckless driving.
The
Spice Girls send Baby to try and convince the officer that they are sorry and
he buys it. In the dressing room as the crowd is chanting for Spice Girls,
Clifford decides that he is going to go on stage and kill himself.
Oh,
Piers & His Crew Are Documenting All Of This The
Spice Girls show up so Clifford doesn’t have to hang himself and the show goes
on as planned. Clifford tells Chief that everything is under control and now we
get the Spice Girls singing while the two movie makers and Clifford are dancing,
saying they have a deal on the movie.
Oh
and we see other cast members dancing too.
The
credits play and we see them pretending like they are making the movie with
actors now playing themselves. But before we end this scene, the Spice Girls
decide to talk to us.
Oh
and they helpfully inform us about the plot hole of the bomb. Not as to how it
got there, but as to what happened to it. It of course explodes and we see it
flash on the side with explosion sounds.
And
that’s the end of this film. This
film cost $25 million to make and made $151 million in the box office. And it
also did well in VHS sells. However, one year after this film was release,
Ginger Spice would leave the Spice Girls, citing issues with the band and
depression. She released solo albums under her real name Geri Halliwell and in
the UK, they did fine, but nothing like the Spice Girls. The Spice Girls tried
to soldier on without Ginger, but the time of fame died and their next album
was met with lukewarm reception. After that, the Spice Girls went on hiatus for
years and decided to have lives of their own before all of them (including
Ginger) reunited in 2007 and sporadically reunite when every so often when they
are not busy doing their own things. Dominic
West (who played the photographer) would get bigger roles and in 2002 would get
his most known role as Det. James McNulty in The Wire. Naoko Mori (who played
Nicola) would get her biggest role in 2006 as Toshiko Sato on the hit UK TV
series Torchwood. Alan Cumming (who played Piers) would get his biggest role in
X-Men 2: X-Men United as Nightcrawler. Hugh Laurie (who played Poirot) after
the end of A Bit of Fry and Laurie would get his breakout role and most of us
Americans would know him for as Dr. House on the TV show House. Kevin McNally
(who played the policeman) would get his big break by being Captain Jack
Sparrow’s friend Gibbs in the Pirates Of The Caribbean films. Unfortunately,
deaths do happen and this film sadly has people who are no longer with us. Hugh
Cecil (who had an uncredited role as the person who got kissed by Baby Spice)
passed away in 2004 at the age of 90. Richard Briers (who played the bishop)
would suffer a cardiac arrest in 2013 at the age of 79 and die. Bob Hoskins
(who played himself in a cameo) would sadly get Parkenson’s in 2011 and die
from pneumonia 3 years later in 2014 at the age of 71. Roger Moore (who played
Chief) would pass away at the age of 89 in 2017 due to cancer. Peter Sissions
(who played a Newsreader) would leave us at the age of 77 in 2019. Now
my final thoughts on this film. I do not like this film. I goes nowhere way too
many times and just does stuff to do stuff. The acting isn’t that great and the
little effects that they have are bad (that bridge jumping scene although some
would argue that was intentional). The only thing that saves this from being a
film that makes me angry is the fact….that it looks like the cast is having fun
with making this film. Just like with Santa Claus Conquers The Martians, if you
really have a cast that seems to having fun with what they are doing, that
stuff is infectious even in a bad movie like this. I guess the music can also
become an earworm in your head as well. So not as bad as I remembered it or as
I was dreading when I was made to induct this film. That
ends the Summer Of The Fan for 2020. So next month, I honor the great John
Saxon by inducting one of his films which I am sure is a small consolation for
the fact that I never got to pay him for his autograph at a horror convention
the next time we saw each other. You all had 14 choices and let’s see which one
you picked.
Ah, So John Saxon's Earliest Movie That Was Nominated Gets The Induction.
