Monster
Crap Inductee: Cry Wilderness
A
Bigfoot Movie With A Terrible Costume & Even Worse Continuity In Terrain
1987
Well,
The Summer of The Fans is here and here we are with our first selection and you
selected a film that was on MST3K during it’s Netflix revival run and having
said that, I had to re-watch the film before this induction because I
completely didn’t remember a goddamn thing about this film. So to remind
people…..I ultimately saw this movie three times before this induction. First
for the original viewing, second to remind myself of this film, and third to do
a rough outline of ideas for jokes. Normally, I have 2 or 3 times for a movie I
don’t like, but this will be my FOURTH time going through this film so
congrats, you sure chose a real winner here.
To
understand the reasoning for this film, you need to sort of understand the
whole idea of doing a rip-off. While most times, movies are made years after
the success of the hit film to hopefully cash in. But sometimes Hollywood years
in advance looks at a film and says “That will be the sure-fire success story”.
Most well-known of this is all the Dinosaur movies being made at the same time
as Jurassic Park because even in 1989-1990, studios knew that Jurassic Park
would be the monster hit it ended up becoming. Or when James Cameron did the
Abyss, people knew that would be successful so people did aliens underwater
films to ape off that film.
But
sometimes, what prognosticators in Hollywood think would be the sure-fire hit
backfires as another film they glossed over ends up being the film that is the
huge success and the film that many more films would try to cash in on instead.
Most notorious of that is Damnation Alley of 1977. I mean, it was a successful
book and surely it would be the monster film hit that low budget films would
rip-off for years to come. Even Twentieth Century Fox believed the hype and spent
loads of money advertising the film because surely this would be the film we
all remember and not another film of that same year from the same studio would
be the monster hit instead.
Oh
Wait….
The
genesis of Cry Wilderness is a movie that was made and released to ape of the
sure-fire success of Harry and the Hendersons, which would come out the same
year as this film. A family feature
starring John Lithgow with awesome suit performance by Kevin Peter Hall as the
Bigfoot called Harry. It was sure to be a big hit. Well, not as big of a hit as
Beverly Hills Cop II because Eddie Murphy was still a big star and nothing was
topping that juggernaut, surely this would be the second highest grossing film
of 1987 and not some other film that would end up being Kevin Peter Hall’s
breakout suit performance, right?
I
Think You All Knew Exactly Where This Was Heading.
Yeah,
to say Cry Wilderness had a big goof already before I even seeing the film
being a rip-off of a film that was only a modest success instead of the big
success they were hoping for. Further complicating things is the studio hiring
a screenwriter who does best with horror and thrillers in Phillip Yordan, then
telling him to not do any scenes with violence, profanity, or sex. These
restrictions got to a point that the screenwriter basically told him it would
become a film about nothing and the studio saying that is what they want.
Too
Bad These Two Weren’t Well Known Yet
Then
you hire the director of Night Train To Terror (another film Yordan wrote), a
terrible anthology film with three parts of unfinished films set to a train
ride where God & Satan are debating over which souls they can have and a
band playing basically the same chorus over and over again
Yeah,
This Film Will Be Inducted Someday
And
with a low budget, a script about nothing, and a completely terrible Bigfoot
suit, let’s get into Cry Wilderness.
We
begin this movie with the title.
Then
we head to some Natural History Museum.
Never
Said Which One And Looking On IMDB, I Don’t See A Museum As A Filming Location
There
we see some kid looking at a model that says “Missing Link?”
And
we get a close-up shot of it and we see that is the Bigfoot costume in this
film and…
Oh
Boy, Is It Not A Finished Bigfoot Suit Nor Nothing Like What The DVD Cover Made
The Bigfoot Costume To Look Like.
We
also get a close-up of the kid (who is our main character Paul Cooper).
Paul
is part of a group of schoolchildren on a field trip and has apparently left
the group so the teacher and guide Mr. Douglas has to go and get Paul.
Mr.
Douglas finds Paul and is not happy that he left the group. Paul explains that
he knows Bigfoot since he saw him last summer when he was with his dad in the
forest since his father is a forest ranger (although his father didn’t meet
him). And by the way, all this is revealed in the clunkiest way possible since
everyone in shot would know this stuff, but we need to say it so the audience
will know.
Mr.
Douglas lets Paul tell him about the meeting with Bigfoot and Paul says he was
fishing when he heard a noise from a cave and there was Bigfoot. While Bigfoot
didn’t say anything, Paul thought he looked friendly so he gave him a piece of
candy. Afterwards, Bigfoot gave him a necklace that they say is nice, but I….
Kind
Of Dispute That.
Paul
also mentions that he saw Bigfoot lots of times afterwards and they had some
Coke (Coca-Cola, not cocaine) and he let him listen to music (Rock was
Bigfoot’s favorite). Mr. Douglas finally asks what his father had to say about
these meetings and Paul said he never told him as he was meant to keep it a
secret, which as Mr. Douglas points out, he just told him that secret so not a
secret anymore.
As
expected, Mr. Douglas doesn’t believe a damn word of this story (nor would I
for that matter), especially with Paul getting a little confrontational about
it. Mr. Douglas tells Paul to get back with the rest of the group and he will
talk to him about this later.
We
go back to the school where Mr. Douglas is looking over papers while Paul is
stuck at the corner of the stairs, while the other kids are eating.
Missing
A Dunce Cap, Obviously
Mr.
Douglas wants Paul to stop telling lies about Bigfoot and of course, Paul says
it really did happen so there was no lie. Oh, and if he admitted he did make it
up, that would be lying too. Mr. Douglas tells Paul that he may have to report
him to the principal, which Paul doesn’t want him to do. However, Paul still
insists he saw Bigfoot. Mr. Douglas just gives up and tells Paul to go have his
dinner, but not before telling him that he is in big trouble.
That
night, Paul is woken by a yell for him from outside. If you guess it is Bigfoot
somehow making it to the city,
You
Know This Movie Too Well
Bigfoot
tells Paul that his father is in danger. Another kid wonders what Paul is doing
and Paul tells him that Bigfoot gave him a warning. The other kid goes to see
if Bigfoot is there and of course, he isn’t so the other kid thinks Paul is
lying. Even worse news for Paul is Mr. Douglas saw all of this.
Mr.
Douglas tells the other kid to go back to bed and then tells Paul that this
whole Bigfoot lie is out of his hands and since Paul is here on a scholarship,
he might get expelled for this behavior in the morning.
Of
course, we then go to the mountains, where Paul’s father Will is a forest
ranger too. And there we have multiple shots of animals that do not line up at
all as some is stock footage, some is shots from day time, and some is shots
from night time.
Apparently
some animal has killed some people and the town sheriff has organized a posse
to go kill whatever it is despite Will’s pleas not to do this hunt right now.
(From
Right To Left) Will Cooper, Sheriff Not Given A Name, And Jim)
By
the way, they don’t even know what animal they are looking for so this posse
might kill anything. Of course people are leaving after a yell and Will tells
the sheriff that they were tracking the beast for two weeks and now that they
had it cornered, this posse shows up and now the beast got away. The sheriff
tells Will that if that animal kills anyone else, Mr. Cooper will be finished
as a forest ranger.
The
next day during a snow day, Paul is hitchhiking to the forest.
Wait….What
Happened To Him In School. Did He Get Expelled Or Not? Did He Run Away? What!!!
If
you are wondering the answers to those questions, never answered. Paul is just
here hitch hiking to the park where his dad is. And if you are wondering why I
really find this bad (besides the illegal activity of hitchhiking), it was
extremely dangerous in the 1970s and 1980s to be doing this since California
had a few serial killers who killed hitchhikers. This also being dangerous for
the fact that he might get run over or freeze to death. Just dumb….
Anyway,
he gets picked up by a truck driver.
Don’t
Worry…..This Truck Driver Is Friendly And Just Drives Him To Where He Wants To
Go. Thank God For That.
We
then go back to the park where Will is running for some reason.
Oh
And Another Thing That Is Going To Drive You Insane, The Snow Appearing And
Disappearing Because This Movie Didn’t Care For Continuity Whatsoever. And So I
Don’t Have To Mention It Again, This Happens Throughout This Movie.
So
Paul meets his dad.
Will
wonders why his son is here and not in school. Oh and Paul tells him that
Bigfoot woke Paul up and told him that his dad was in great danger. Will
doesn’t believe this and Paul is upset that his dad is mad at him now. Will
says a great line.
Will:
I
wish there was a Bigfoot so I could strangle him.
Will
tells his son that Monday morning, he is going back to school. And we see some raccoons.
And
a fox maybe playing the worst hide and go seek game ever.
Will
tells Paul that he found a couple of raccoon cubs who may have been abandoned by
their mother so he took them in. And we see a bobcat which the kid wants to
play with.
Despite
The Fact That I Believe Bobcats Are Not Friendly At All To Humans….Especially
If They Have Rabies
Paul
as he is running around runs into Jim.
Jim
Likes To Laugh A Lot
They
hear a roar and Will wants to shoot it with a tranquilizer dart. But luckily
for them, it is just a cougar.
And
Not The Type Who Goes Searching For Young Men
They
arrive back at the cabin and meet a crazy guy who is eating plenty of meat.
When
they ask questions, this stranger insinuates that he is eating the racoon cubs,
but thankfully he hasn’t since the racoons are in the kitchen making a mess.
Paul
picks one up (thankfully they also don’t have rabies and are rather docile
racoon cubs). Of course one of the racoons makes the mistake of going near the
stranger’s food and the stranger tries to strangle it.
Paul
yells for the stranger to let go and Will forces him to let it go. We find out
that this stranger is Morgan Hicks, who is a US Government Marshall and Big
Game Hunter, which is weird since I don’t believe that hunting animals is in
the US Marshall’s jurisdiction. We soon find out that Morgan was hired by the
sheriff to deal with whatever this killer animal is.
Oh
and apparently a resort is opening Monday which is owned by the mayor and
apparently “richest man in the state”. I would like to add the state in
question is California so I do call into question the richest man in California
being a mayor and hotel mogul. The sheriff says the mayor (named Mr. Wagoner)
does not want to hear about this killer animal unless it is dead. The sheriff
of course thinks that since it is an animal, it should be easy to kill, but Jim
tells him that this animal is probably smart and won’t be caught that easily.
There are beeps from the ham radio and it is Mr. Wagoner, who wants them all at
his motel tomorrow morning.
That
night, Paul and Morgan have a talk since Morgan is bunking with Paul for this
time being. Paul sees the crapload of guns Morgan has and wonders what he does
with all of them, to which Morgan says it is how he makes his living, by either
killing the creature and catching it alive for zoos all around the world. Paul
then asks if Morgan ever ran across Bigfoot and of course, being a hunter,
Morgan is more than intrigued by this question. Paul then asks the dumb
question to a crazy hunter on if he ran into Bigfoot, would he shoot him. Morgan
then suspects that Paul has seen Bigfoot and definitely wants to get him.
Nice
Going, Kid. Now Bigfoot Has To Worry About The Crazy Hunter That Really Doesn’t
Give Much Regard To Animals Whatsoever.
Paul
has a nightmare about Paul coming at Bigfoot with a sword.
The
next day, Will, Jim, Morgan, and the sheriff go to the hotel to meet Mr.
Wagoner.
He
basically tells them that this killer animal being around may put him out of
business if word gets around about it, so he tells them to keep quiet about it
and kill that animal. And if they tell anyone or don’t take care of this
animal, they will all lose their jobs since he has money and power to get it
done.
Will,
Morgan, and Jim take Paul with them to search for the animal and of course,
they arrive at the waterfall. Paul looks at it and secretly hopes that the
adults don’t find Bigfoot. The kid checks his talisman and it lights up.
Apparently,
This Means Bigfoot Is Near. But Later On, It Will Have Other Tricks So….It Is
Basically A Deus Ex Machina For Whatever Occasion Comes Up.
The
adults spot a cave and Paul decides to be a little brat by telling them they
shouldn’t go in there. Morgan goes to check in the woods while Will forces Paul
to come with Jim and him into the cave. And they found a ton of flattened coke
cans.
Paul
tries to claim that they are all his from last summer.
Paul,
You Are In Deep Trouble As Littering Is A Crime.
Jim
decides to look in the cave because these coke cans could not have been crushed
by a nine year old kid and not even an animal could have done this so someone
must have been here. Inside the cave, Jim finds a mini-radio playing rock
music.
Will
rightfully says that is the radio he gave Paul last year. Paul then says he
must have left it here by mistake. Morgan comes back and tells everyone that
they need to go as it looks like nothing is here. They continue looking around
when they run into a bear.
Jim
then playfully wrestles with the bear, showing that it is harmless.
And
No, I Do Not Believe At All They Somehow Found Terrible Ted From The Old
Stampede Wrestling Days. That Bear Was Taken Away Along With Another Bear Named
Smokey In 1978 After Smokey Got Out Of His Cage And Mauled To Death The
Girlfriend Of The Trainer.
Maybe
They Should Do A Dark Side Of The Ring Episode About Terrible Ted
They
all laugh (all except Morgan) when they hear gunshots and a scream so they go
investigate. All they can find of the guy is some shreds of cloth, a bent gun,
and some skins the guy had.
Basically,
The Victim Of This Killer Animal Was A Poacher. Good Riddance, I Say.
Oh
and they also find glasses and Jim has this to say about the poacher.
Jim:
His
Poaching Days Are Over.
Morgan
also finds Bigfoot tracks, but tells Paul they should just keep this between
the two of them.
Damn
Right, He Wants To Kill That Bigfoot
Meanwhile,
they find a sick bird.
Probably
Sick Because That Bird Isn’t Native To The United States. In Fact, Many Of The
Bird You See Aren’t Native To The United States.
They
decide to take it to Helen’s place. Now you are probably wondering who Helen is
and I was too since they never mentioned her beforehand, but apparently she
takes care of sick or wounded animals of the forest before they can return to
the wild again.
Her
rehabilitation area for these sick and wounded animals has been full these days
because the animals are stressing over the killer animal (which has not been
said or shown what it is yet) out there. And they don’t even know what they are
looking for. Paul goes looking at the other animals here that are all in cages.
And
of course, this is as good as any place for them all to take a rest and get
something to eat before they continue their search for the killer animal.
At
the place, Morgan is looking up Bigfoot facts in a book. He has Paul come to
him and shows him the book, reiterating that this whole Bigfoot thing is their
secret. Paul’s dad calls back over to finish his dinner soon afterwards.
Meanwhile, something is stalking the animals. We see the deer trying to escape
it’s cell and whatever is stalking them, goes after the deer. The humans hear
the disturbance and come outside to see that the deer is gone and its cage torn
apart.
They
mention that only a powerful animal could tear down this cage and that there
are two sets of tracks. Morgan thinks they may be hunting more than one animal.
Will, Morgan, Jim, and Paul go out to track the creature. They go up the
mountain and see three bikers hanging out and drinking beer.
One
Of These Three Bikers Is Played By The Same Actor Who Is In The Bigfoot Costume
Will
tells the three that this area of the forest is closed to everyone and they
need to leave. When asked what they are doing here, one of the bikers explains
that they had a rumble with another biker gang and the other gang chased them
through the state line so now the bikers don’t know where they are at. Will
says they better be gone when his group gets back and as they leave, the bikers
think they aren’t ready to leave. Two of them decide to leave when they hear a
roar, but the third decides to stay regardless. He of course gets dragged away
by something and killed.
The
four main characters definitely hear this and go after it. They see a knocked
over bike and chase the animal into a tunnel. After some shooting, the animal
comes out and we finally see that it is a Bengal tiger.
You
Know, With As Much Kills As This Thing Supposedly Has Had, He Could Be A Member
Of The Cincinnati Bengals.
After
a few moments of being cornered by the tiger, the tiger just goes right by Will
and Paul. They must have main character armor because if anyone knows a killer
big cat (which has killed several people), they don’t just walk by a free meal
or two. Morgan and Jim join Paul and Will and exclaim that the tiger must have
escaped from the circus. They realize that the tiger went down to an area that
is a dead end so it definitely is surrounded now. Will has Jim take Paul to the
bus station so he can be sent back to school. Paul protests, but Jim grabs him
and takes him away.
After
a mile away, Paul makes a run for it. But Jim quickly catches up to him. Paul
then says this line.
Paul:
You’re
nothing but a dumb Indian.
Jim
should smack Paul upside the back of the head, but Jim says that if he was
smart, he wouldn’t have to be chasing bad boys in the woods. Paul says if he
gets sent back to school, Paul’s father will die, to which Jim says if he
doesn’t, Will will kill him. Paul then says his father is in great danger since
Bigfoot warned him. Jim of course doesn’t believe Paul on Bigfoot and Paul
explains that he gave Bigfoot the coke cans and the radio which they saw earlier.
Paul then runs away again.
Hey
Kids, Just Want To Interrupt And Say That Boy Paul Is Deserving Of An
Ass-Whooping
After
a pass-through of a nearby lake, Jim demands Paul come out and he does. They
pass by some dear (still with that yellow tint), some wolves, some cougars, and
an owl.
Don’t
Worry, I’m Not The Horny Owl. No Sex Scenes In A Kids Film.
They
then come across an older Native American named Red Hawk.
It’s
very strange for Red Hawk to be here as Jim explained, Red Hawk died 13 years
ago and he saw him sealed up in a cave. Red Hawk said he was, but after seven
days he had a vision that all the animals in the forest needed him so he left
the cave. Yes, Red Hawk in this film is supposed to be like Jesus.
And
Both Paul And Jim Believe This Story With No Questions
Red
Hawk asks that he speak to Paul alone and Jim is accepting of this request.
Paul tells Red Hawk about Bigfoot’s warning and yes, Red Hawk knows Paul is
telling the truth as he has one of those talismans too. He also tells Paul that
they mustn’t kill the tiger and Paul says his father won’t let them. Red Hawk
tells Paul to escape and tell Bigfoot to leave the forest and go up the
mountains where it is safe.
Paul
runs and immediately gets caught in a net. A cougar wants to make Paul its
dinner, but Jim shoots it away, laughing at Paul for calling him a dumb Indian.
Meanwhile, we see Helen reading the Bigfoot books and wondering why Morgan had
these. Jim takes Paul there and tells Helen that Will wants the kid back in
school so if she could take him up there,
That
Would Be Great
Jim
goes to meet up with Will, who tells him on the radio to bring the jeep. Paul
is eventually able to convince Helen to let him stay and help him keep Will
alive.
Meanwhile,
Paul tells Morgan that they need to tranquilize the tiger, which Morgan is okay
with as he has bigger game to catch. Will wonders what he means and Morgan
tells him about Bigfoot. Will says that is fine as right now, they need to take
care of this tiger and not kill it. Morgan can make a tiger noise and the tiger
comes out. They then chase the tiger and reveal the only thing that way is a
ghost town.
Meanwhile,
Paul and Helen are in a truck and the truck sadly has run out of gas. The tiger
comes up to the truck and starts attacking it, with Paul and Helen trapped
inside.
Will
and Morgan thankfully chase the tiger away. They take Paul and Helen to their
vehicle as well as Jim and they chase the tiger into the ghost town.
Which
I Believe Is A Real Ghost Town With A Mine As The West Has Plenty Of Those
Around
They
then chase the tiger into the mine entrance and they may want to be careful as
mines are known to half traps and some lethal gas if you are not careful.
Or
Go In Without Any Protection, I Guess That Is Fine Too.
Lord
Knows Our President Is Okay With That
At
Least They Have The Common Sense To Bring Lights To A Dark Cave
And
despite his father telling Paul to stay with the truck, Paul goes into another
entrance anyway.
Because
If We Haven’t Established This Yet, Paul Is An Idiot When It Comes To Danger
Helen
and Jim run after Paul, but through several minutes of different people walking
around the area, they run into Will and Morgan, who just tranquilized the
tiger.
And
If You Look At That Last Pic, That Does Not Look Like The Same Color On That
Tiger As The Pic Before It.
Helen
states that they better tie him up before the tranquilizer wears off.
Paul
finds another entrance to the mine and leaves through there, running into
Bigfoot.
Oh
Yeah, Throughout All The Other Shit, Some People Might Forget That Bigfoot Is
Here, Although You Shouldn’t Considering How Many Times He Has Been
Name-Dropped.
Paul
tells Bigfoot that it is too dangerous in these forest and Bigfoot needs to go
hide in the mountain. Will goes to find Paul since as we’ve established, Jim and
Helen are mostly useless. Will finds Paul, but considering the yelling going
on, a cave-in was soon to happen and Will is stuck under some rocks.
Paul
tries to help his father, but is too small to get the rocks off his dad. He
yells for help from several people, including Bigfoot. After a minute, Bigfoot
arrives and helps Paul getting the rocks off Will. The rest show up and Bigfoot
is on the run with Morgan after him. Morgan eventually finds Bigfoot, who is
with Paul (who went to try and stop Morgan and somehow got ahead of him) and
Red Hawk.
Morgan
gets ready to take the shot, but Red Hawk’s talisman blinds Morgan and then Red
Hawk sends an actual hawk to attack Morgan and take out his eyes.
Morgan runs away as he is blind and we never see him again, so for all we know, he died because parks can be a bitch for a person who can’t see. We then transition to see the tiger caged.
We
see that Paul has reunited with the rest and they are eating dinner. There is
rattling at the door and when it is open, we see that it is the raccoon mother
looking for her young that were abandoned.
They
let the raccoon cubs go to be back with their mother. Paul then goes back to
school (where he wasn’t expelled), but Mr. Douglas wants to have a conversation
with Paul. He says that he got a letter from Paul’s father explaining
everything that happened. He explains that the rules of this school do not
permit the teaching of fairy tales, but he personally loves them. Mr. Douglas
asks if he could come along next vacation as he would love to see Bigfoot. Paul
explains that Bigfoot is now on the mountains due to the whole situation. Paul
then tells Mr. Douglas that if he truly believes, he can see Bigfoot too. The
talisman then shines and they see Bigfoot with some animals.
So
yeah, this film didn’t do much and is mostly forgotten. Also, no one really did
anything noticeable outside this film. Darwyn Swalve (who played one of the
three bikers) died in 1999 at the age of 52 from a heart attack. Phillip Yordan
(the writer) died in 2003 at the age of 88 from pancreatic cancer. Gordon Gale
(who played Mr. Wagoner) passed away in 2006 at the age of 65. Foster Hood (who
played Red Hawk) died in 2008 at the age of 85. Tony Giorgio (who played the
sheriff) passed away in 2012 (also at the age of 88) from cardiopulmonary
failure.
My
final thoughts on this film is that it is a mess of a film with many errors
like the disappearance and reappearance of snow at random times, the bigfoot
costume seeming incomplete, the acting being wooden as all hell, the story
being extremely lazy, not knowing which animals are native to the area you are
supposed to be in, and through all of that, being completely forgettable. This
is a film that really has zero re-watchability good or bad. I’ve seen better
bigfoot films and I have seen worse bigfoot films so it is just boring. I’m
sorry if I can’t say more about this induction, but I really can’t think of any
and ultimately, this film probably would barely be on my radar if MST3K (The
Revival Season) didn’t do it and people like you didn’t want me to review it.
Well, that was the first induction in this 2020 Summer of Fans poll, now let's find out what you fans selected for next.
