Monster
Crap Inductee: Wrath of The Titans
Thankfully,
No Suicide Djinns
2012
Many
of you may remember my induction of the Clash of the Titans remake and maybe
some of you may think I was a bit hard on that movie just because it was a
remake and the effects person for the original thought his effects were better
than the CGI. Well, I did go back and read this one to see if I was too hard
and when I came to the Middle Eastern Mythological Characters blowing themselves with bombs on their chest,
yeah…I was still correct in hating that film. Despite there being worse films
that I have inducted since then (thanks Seed and Flesh Gordon Meets The Cosmic
Cheerleaders), this was still insultingly bad.
And
of course, it made money so a sequel was green-lit rather quickly. And instead
of the guy who directed the first two Transporter films, we instead got the guy
who directed Darkness Falls and Battle: Los Angeles…two films I will get to at
some point as they are both awful in different ways. And basically everyone is
back from the first movie who needed to be back, except three people in Ares,
Hephaestus, and Andromeda. The first two were because they had bigger roles
than standing around doing jack shit and needed bigger actors, while Alexa
Davalos left due to scheduling conflicts, which was probably a television
series called Mob City that came out the next year and only lasted one season.
So instead, they got Rosmund Pike, who is a very good actress and sadly
sometimes gets stuck in terrible movie roles. Also Gemma Arterton was going to
play Io, who Perseus ends up with at the end of the last movie, but she backed
out for unknown reasons so the filmmakers said “Yeah, her character didn’t live
to be in the sequel”. So with that out of the way, let’s get this over with.
We
begin this film with old wall drawings and Zeus narrating the past.
Basically
in the past, the world was ruled by Gods and Monsters until Zeus’ son Perseus
(who is a half God) defeated the Kraken and saved humanity. For his courage,
Zeus offered Perseus a place to rule on Mount Olympus, but Perseus was strong
willed and chose a different path. We then see Perseus at the grave of Io, who
if you remembered from the last movie, ended up with Perseus after being
brought back from the dead. She also had a kid with him, who we’ll meet in a
few minutes.
You
Might Also Like To Know That Io Was In Actual Mythology, Perseus’ Great Great
Great Great Great Great Great Grandmother So The Fact That She Slept With
Perseus Is A Bit Incesty, But Then Again…Zeus Is Also Perseus’ Great Great
Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather (He Slept With Io) And Perseus’ Dad
So I Really Shouldn’t Be Getting On Io Too Much For The Incest. Greek Mythology
Family Trees Is A Little Fucked Up.
Oh
and here’s Perseus and his son Helius.
Basically
even when Perseus lost his wife, he never prayed to the Gods and now the age of
the Gods is ending, but the narration reminds us that Perseus can’t hide from
his destiny forever. They are living in a fishing town and having a normal
life, but at that night, Zeus shows up to talk to Perseus as Helius is
sleeping.
Hey
Son
Perseus
asks if Zeus is passing through and Zeus says no. Zeus says he needs Perseus’
help as there is a great calamity coming and with the lack of prayers the Gods
are getting, they may not be powerful enough to stop it. Basically the walls of
Tartarus (prison of the Titans) are falling so Zeus needs Perseus help to stop
the Gods from becoming mortal (which is what will eventually happen if they
keep losing prayer powers) and keep Kronos (the King of the Titans and Zeus’
dad) from escaping as Kronos will kill everyone. Perseus basically refuses to
help and Zeus is sent on his way. Zeus says that Perseus human half makes him
stronger than a God, which is bupkis to all Greek mythology. Perseus then has a
dream about the chaos falling and Perseus being killed along with Helius by
Kronus.
This
Dream Sequence Is Badly Filmed With Shaky Cam And Way Too Close Close-Ups Of
Perseus
Meanwhile,
earthquakes are continuing as Zeus meets up with Poseidon (his God brother) and
Ares head to where Kronus has been locked away.
Ares
Is Also Zeus’ Son (Although A Full God Since Zeus Slept With Hera).
Ares
wonders if Zeus’ favorite son Perseus (yeah, he said that) would be joining
them and Zeus says no. Zeus calls for his other brother Hades as they have come
to his realm to stop Kronos as agreed. Hades appears.
Hades
seems to be still having a grudge against Zeus from the last film for banishing
him to the Underworld and Hades of course has had to look after Kronos because
of this. Zeus says they must forget the past and move forward if they are all
to survive. Hades agrees, but it will be on his terms and monsters start
attacking Zeus, Poseidon, and Ares.
The
Dark And Fast Motion Of These Creatures Is Probably Really Needed To Hide The
Bad CG.
Poseidon
gets hit by some lava and Hades decides now is the time to turn on Zeus.
Hades,
Curse Your Inevitable And Completely Obvious Betrayal
Now,
you might remember how I went on a rant about how dumb it was that Hades was
made the bad guy in the last induction and that still holds true here. However,
I am not going to say the same for Ares. Yeah, Ares is of course the God of War
and in mythology, while not having a particular moment of evil, is known as the
most hated of the Gods and even at times Zeus hates his ass. So Ares being evil
in this film is totally fine by me because he is easily the one who would be a
bad guy.
Ares
then steals Zeus Lightning Bolt as a weapon and puts it on his back while Hades
says it has just begun.
At
Perseus’ village, a chimera attacks.
One
Of The Ugliest Looking Chimeras I Have Ever Seen Animated, To Be Exact.
Seriously, Series…..How Can You Be This Bad With Your Monster Designs
Perseus
grabs his short sword and armor, and looks for his son. Perseus fights the
creature in an effort to save his son and after several minutes, Perseus wins
through dumb luck and self-immolation as the creature gets caught up in chains
and ends up setting itself on fire.
Stupid
Chimera…
Perseus
is helped by a neighbor with his wounds as he reunites with Helius. The
neighbor tells Perseus while it is fine and dandy in the normal world to keep
his vow to Io of grooming his son to be a fisherman instead of a warrior, with
Perseus half-god powers, he has a duty to help men. After that, Perseus and
Helius go to a temple in hopes of speaking to Zeus. Unfortunately for Perseus,
Poseidon shows up instead to tell Perseus that Hades and Ares have turned on
Zeus to join Kronus against humanity. Poseidon says Perseus must find another
half-god to help save in his son Agenor. Perseus reveals that Agenor is with
Queen Andromeda and Perseus accepts the mission, while also taking Poseidon’s
trident, which he was given. Afterwards, Poseidon turns to dust and dies.
Don't Worry....He Is A Vampire In 30 Days Of Night So He Can Beat This....Although He Might Tell You There Is No God.
Back
in the underworld, we see Zeus being chained up by Hades and Ares. Of course,
Ares reveals his issues with Zeus preferring Perseus over him and Hades reveals
that their deal with Kronos is to give Kronos back his freedom by draining
Zeus’ power and Kronos has agreed that Hades and Ares will be spared.
Back
with Perseus, he starts getting ready to go into battle and tells his son
Helius that he must stay in the village with the neighbor lady from earlier.
Helius gives his father his wooden dagger that he carved as Perseus will need
it more than him. Then Pegasus shows up.
Yeah,
I Always Forget This Remake And Sequel To The Remake That Pegasus Is A Black
Horse This Time, But I Am Beyond The Point Of Caring.
Perseus
has Helius meet Pegasus before riding off with the flying horse and heading out
to meet with Andromeda. Andromeda’s forces see the flying creature and are
about to shoot arrows at it, but Andromeda stops them since she actually knows
that it is Perseus and Pegasus. Pegasus lands and Perseus dismounts to meet
Andromeda.
They
exchange pleasantries and we learn that Andromeda is queen of all of Greece,
which is dumb as she has NEVER been queen of all of Greece since in many myths,
there never was a united Greece. Andromeda also is sorry that Perseus lost his
wife, but would love to meet his son someday. One of Andromeda’s generals show
up and tells her that they need to pray to Ares to win this war. Perseus
basically says how bad of an idea that is since Ares is one of the reason these
creature attacks are happening and if you pray to him, he will just come and
slaughter everyone there. Perseus then explains he needs the help of a person
named Agenor, who we find out is in prison for trying to steal from her after
she refused his hand in marriage.
Oh
Great….Toby Keddel Is In This Film
AKA
Dr. Doom In That Horrible 2015 Fantastic Four Film That Won The GINO Award
Perseus
shows up and reveals that Agenor is the son of Poseidon. Perseus also reveals
to Agenor that he is the son of Zeus so basically they are cousins. He then
reveals that Poseidon is dead. Agenor says that Gods don’t die and all Perseus
says is they do now, which convinces Agenor of his father’s passing. Agenor
seems glad that his dad is dead and then tells Perseus to go to hell. Perseus
says that is exactly where he is going and he just needs information as he
needs to find the fallen one, who is Hephaestus in this film. Before you ask,
no….this never happened in real mythology, but this film seems to be taking a
sledgehammer to the real myths as it is.
Perseus
knows that Agenor wants a ship and to get back to sailing since he is the son
of the God of the Sea. Agenor then makes his demands of Andromeda before he
will agree to help. He wants a royal pardon, he wants his body weight in gold,
and the fastest boat. He tries to think of more, but Perseus tells him not to
push it. On the boat, Perseus and Agenor are joined by Andromeda, a general, a
Queen’s assistant, and a few soldiers as they head off to find Hephaestus.
Andromeda says that if she does not return in two days, she will allow that
general from earlier to pray to Hades.
On
the ship, we get the dumbest question ever asked by an ancient Greek queen.
Andromeda:
And
Who Is Hephaestus?
Okay,
I am willing to buy that she may not know who is a half-god since let’s be
honest, the gods were infamous for screwing around with humans like horny
teenagers, but how in the fuck does an ancient Greek adult, let alone one who
is the Queen…..not know who a god is.
Okay,
to answer that question, Hephaestus is the blacksmith god that makes weapons
for the other gods. I could go into more about how he was the one who was
married to Aphrodite (Goddess of Love) and other stuff. But in this film, he
sided with Hades when the Gods had their little spat and he was banished. He
made three weapons in Poseidon’s Trident, Hades’ Pitchfork, and Zeus’ Thunder
Bolt and if you happen to fuse all three together, they form the Spear of
Trium, which will beat the Titans. Agenor reveals that Hephaestus lives on the
island of Kail, which no one has found. Agenor says he will find it, but first
he needs the Trident that his father once held. Perseus gives him the Trident
and despite being warned he could jump off the boat with it, Agenor decides to
lead the way to Kail.
Meanwhile,
back in the Tartarus, Zeus is taken in chains by Hades and Ares. Hades tells
Kronos that they have delivered Zeus to him as ordered and Kronos says good.
Back
with our heroes, they arrive on the island of Kail. They enter the forest and
Agenor immediately falls into a trap.
The
soldiers want to pray to the God of War, but Perseus is insistent that they do
no such thing. Suddenly, the group is attacked by a cyclops.
The
fight starts and one of the queen’s assistants is starting to pray for Ares,
but the queen stops her. They use the traps to knock out the cyclops when a
second cyclops shows up.
Man,
The CG On These Cyclops Look Bad
A
third old cyclops enters and everyone calms down.
Back
in Tartarus…
Yep,
Zeus Is Still Tied Up And Getting His Power Drained
So
the Cyclops lead our heroes to Hephaestus and Hephaestus is Bill Nighy.
Hephaestus realizes he is in front of Perseus and is
also introduced to Agenor, who he has never heard of….unlike Perseus. He also
reveal that the Cyclops helped him forge the God weapons. He has a hard time believing that Poseidon is
dead and Zeus has been captured. Oh and we find out that Hephaestus has been
talking to a machine bird the whole time.
Andromeda
tries to appease Hephaestus by talking about how hopeful humans are even
against overwhelming odds and because of that hope, they sometimes still
prevail. Eventually Andromeda is able to convince Hephaestus to help them as he
thinks she looks like Aphrodite, who he was married to. He reveals that
Tartarus is a ways away from where they are now, but Hephaestus did make a
shortcut just in case. However, to get there, they are going to need to go
through a labyrinth.
We
go back to Tartarus and of course…
Oh,
but we do know that when Gods die….they don’t go to another place unlike
humans.
Our
heroes follow Hephaestus to the opening of the labyrinth. He tells our heroes
that the labyrinth uses your mind to play tricks on you so you have to be
focused and not waiver in fear. And guess who shows up to start a fight.
Ares
starts kicking all kinds of ass while Hephaestus starts trying to open the
gate. Perseus and Ares then start a fight and unsurprisingly, a demi-god
fighting a full god head on is a terrible idea.
Oh
and we find out that that queen’s assistant from earlier was the one who prayed
to Ares.
She
asks Ares to be merciful, but you can guess how this goes.
Hephaestus
starts attacking Ares, but a former god with no powers against a god with a lot
of powers…
However,
Hephaestus does give our heroes time so they can get into the labyrinth without
Ares following, but only Perseus, Andromeda, and Agenor remain. Perseus thinks
he can’t beat Ares, but Agenor slaps him and tells him he can find a way to
beat anyone. They follow Agenor since he is a navigator, but the maze is not
that easy.
Perseus
sadly ends up getting separated from the other two because of the moving paths.
The maze starts playing tricks on him and making him see his son Helius.
Perseus then gets attacked by the minotaur.
Perseus
kills the minotaur in less than a minute.
With
that kill, the maze basically gives them a clear path to Tartarus.
We
then see that Zeus has been nearly sapped of all his power.
Zeus
then finally decides to apologize for sending Hades to the underworld for all
those years and asks him to forgive him as he has forgiven Hades for his acts.
It seems Hades is considering turning good and Ares sees that so he attacks
him. He tries to use the Thunder Bolt on Hades, but Zeus says he will not allow
him to do so, basically not allowing the Thunder Bolt to completely form. With
that, Hades turns good and officially attacks Ares.
Hades
knocks Ares and himself off a cliff, but don’t worry…..they land on solid
ground and not molten lava. Perseus, Andromeda, and Agenor show up and they
help free Zeus before all his power goes.
Unfortunately
for all of them, the power sapping has gone on long enough that Kronos is free
from his Tartarus prison.
Hades
and Ares continue their fight against each other and while Zeus is being helped
away by Perseus, Andromeda, and Agenor, Ares steals Hades’ Pitchfork and throws
it at Zeus, hitting him in the back.
Perseus
gets the Pitchfork out of Zeus’ back and the four leave. Hades and Ares also
see Kronos causing chaos so they also leave. Andromeda gets back to her troops
and they now have to get ready to fight an incoming Kronos while Zeus is put on
a table to rest. Zeus tells Perseus that only the Spear of Trium so he needs to
get the Thunder Bolt away from Ares. Perseus uses his prayer to tell Ares to meet
him at a nearby temple so they can finish their one on one fight. Perseus then
rides Pegasus so he can head there.
A
nearby volcano erupts meaning the battle is going to begin.
Out
of the volcano comes Kronos’ demon cronies that the army starts to battle with.
Perseus
arrives at the temple and so does Ares, but Ares didn’t come alone.
So
the fight scene begins and as expected, Ares is the better fighter. Through
most of the fight, Ares is kicking Perseus’ ass.
Meanwhile,
Hades (clad in a cloak) comes to see Zeus.
Hades
tells Zeus that he does forgive him and gives Zeus enough power to revive Zeus.
The two decide that the armies are not going to be enough to keep Kronos at bay
until Perseus is able to strike so they will try to fight Kronos with all the
power they have left.
Back
at the temple, Helius decides that he wants to help his dad. Ares finds this
amusing as his son has no strength to do anything. However, this does provide a
distraction for Perseus to get up and attack Ares from behind. He stabs Perseus
with the stone dagger Helius carved for his dad and also is able to get the
Thunder Bolt away from Hades. Perseus stabs Ares with the Thunder Bolt and
kills him.
More
of the volcano explodes and Kronos finally decides to make an appearance.
At
the temple, Perseus combines the Trident, Pitchfork, and Thunder Bolt to make
the Spear of Trium.
Zeus
and Hades show up in their hopes to keep Kronos delayed.
It
doesn’t do much to Kronos. Kronos punches the ground and Zeus decides to be a
hero in taking most of the blast.
But
this does allow Perseus to come in and go into Kronos’ mouth and the next
minute seems like a rip off of Star Wars’ Death Star Scene.
Ultimately,
Perseus throws the Spear which hits Kronos’ heart and kills the titan.
Andromeda
and her troops obviously celebrate.
Perseus
comes out and goes to his father Zeus and uncle Hades. He is told by Hades that
Zeus is dying and wants to speak with him before he goes. Zeus finds it
interesting that Perseus admitted that Perseus’ son gave him strength because
Perseus gave Zeus strength. Perseus says maybe Hades could heal Zeus and Zeus
admits Hades already did that once, but doesn’t have enough power to do it
again and Hades is mortal too. Zeus says there will be no more sacrifices and
no more gods. Zeus tells Perseus to use his power wisely. Zeus dies.
Hades
admits that all his power is spent and who knows if he will maybe be stronger
without it. He then walks away.
Back
at the base of the army, people are recovering as Perseus arrives. Andromeda
finally meets Helius, who she earlier said she wanted to meet someday. Agenor
tells Perseus that he should try to court Andromeda as they obviously like each
other. I am guessing that because I never got from this film that they had any
feelings of love towards each other. Agenor even gets Helius to go with him for
a story, allowing Perseus and Andromeda to be alone. They kiss.
When
Helius and Perseus are alone, Helius says he is going to enjoy going home and
has decided that being a boring fisherman is alright with him. Perseus tells
him that they won’t be going back home and gives Helius his sword.
And
only after all of this is done, we get the title of the movie
And
only the credits happen afterwards so the film is done.
Let
me explain why I hate that idea so fucking much. Say you happen to be watching
the TV and this movie is on. Now normally, your digital info guide would tell
you what this film is, but sometimes that that digital guide goes on the fritz
or identifies a movie that you know this isn’t. So you would have to wait until
the end of the film to find out what this movie is called and that is just
fucking selfish. Now that may rarely happen, but it does and I should know as
there a film that was on SyFy where that exact thing happened.
Now
for the aftermath. They actually planned for this to be a trilogy with a third
film called Revenge of the Titans (which is hilarious since Wrath and Revenge
mean the same freaking thing), but get this…they didn’t have many script ideas
(kind of something you need to make a trilogy) which this second film gave you
none of. And with the bad critical reviews, they decided to no make a third
movie. So you planned a trilogy, but your second film plotline basically kills
any chance of a third movie. Normally, you have a film where you plan a sequel
and the film sets up for a sequel, but not a film that a sequel was planned
from the beginning, but you basically made more effort to make sure this film
isn’t set up for a sequel. A new level of incompetence here.
As
for the cast, this (along with Man On The Ledge) was basically what convinced
Hollywood that for big budget action movies, Sam Worthington (who played
Perseus) was not a guy who could be bankable as the main star. Liam Neeson (who
played Zeus) is still Liam Neeson so this didn’t effect his star power one bit.
Ralph Fiennes (who played Hades) is still Ralph Fiennes so like Liam, this
didn’t change his marketability one freaking bit. Edgar Ramirez (who played
Ares) has gone to be Roberto Duran in Hands of Stone and Gianni Versace in that
American Crime Story miniseries about the murder of Gianni Versace.
Toby
Kebbell (who played Agenor) has continued to be a character actor and his most
recognizable role is Dr. Doom in that horrible 2015 Fantastic Four movie.
Rosamund Pike (who played Andromeda) would actually be nominated for an Academy
Award for Best Actress with her role in Gone Girl 2 years later.
That
woman who prayed to Ares and got killed by Ares was Lily James who 3 years
later would become Cinderella in Disney’s Cinderella remake. Bill Nighy (who
played Hephaestus) is like Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes in that this didn’t
have any effect on him. Spencer Wilding (who played the Minotaur) ended up
donning the costume of Darth Vader in Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (obviously
not the voice as James Earl Jones is still alive).
Again….no deaths to report so 4 in a row now.
Now
for my final thoughts of this film. This is better than the Clash of the Titans
remake only in that this film is completely forgettable instead of pissing me
off, which the remake did. However, this film did have that whole title
nonsense and everything about this film completely shows that there was a lot
of incompetence in making it. The CGI is terrible, the plot is for the most
part plodding along, and you really get a sense that this was a film was just a
job. I’m thankful in a way that this isn’t as bad as the remake, but I will
forget this film soon.
Now
one film left and thankfully, it will not be Seed’s Revenge.
Oh,
I’m sure you have something.
Well,
It Was A Little Difficult To Find Since Another Of My Options Was Also A Bit
Expensive And I Could Have Done Another Option, But Again…It May Have Been A
Worthy Final Film. I Almost Considered Leaving It To The Fans To Decide, But
The Again…I Let Them Decide Your First Choice And I Am Not A Fan Of Repeating
Myself In The Same Year. I Had One More Option, But That Option I Am Saving For
Another Month Since It Make No Sense To Do That One In August.
But
Then I Came Across A Film. A Film From The 80s. I Gave You Actually A Hint When
I Said I Found It In The Garbage, But Yet You Still Couldn’t Figure It Out. The
Final Film On My Summer May Not Be A Sequel, But Trust Me….You May Wish It Was
Seed’s Revenge Or Something Like That. Or Maybe You’ll Like It As You Have
Never Seen It Before. But I Strongly STRONGLY Doubt You Will As It Is A Film
You May Not Have Had The Desire To Ever See.
It’s
A Film Based On A Children’s Property…Well Kind Of. It’s A Children’s Property
About Disgusting Things To Be A Parody Of Another Children’s Property. A
Children’s Property That Started Off As A Series Of Cards. Then It Had A
Cartoon Series That Was Too Disgusting To Be Aired In This Country. But
Strongest Of All Is A Movie That Is Considered One Of The Worst Movies Ever
Made And A Film That No One Knows Who It Was Made For.
May
I Present To You…My Final Offering For This Summer.
