Protect Your Eyes From All The Manipulation
2010
Well,
it has been a long time since I talked about the Twlight Saga. I think the last
time I talked about it was when I inducted that Vampires Suck movie. So it is
now time for me to get back in that saddle again.
Yes,
I Am Thinking About Aerosmith As I Say That
It
might also be a sign of how bad New Moon truly was for me since when I inducted
it in 2010, I have not watched any of the other Twilight movies since then. But
that changes thanks to NegaSeth, I have to deal with this.
So
let’s talk about Eclipse. This movie was released practically one year since
the last movie and the big news with this is that the villain of this film that
was set up for the last film as she wanted revenge on Bella for her mate dying
in the first film thanks to the Cullens. However, due to some behind the scenes
issues and scheduling, they changed actresses from Rachelle Lefevre to Bryce
Dallas Howard, who I guess was a choice before Rachelle, but she rejected the
role at the time because that role was too small for her. But hey, since she is
now finally the main villain and not someone being set up as a villain for
later, she is now willing to do it.
Oh
And This Of Course Is Now Her Second Appearance On Monster Crap Since She Was
An Extra In That Grinch Movie I Inducted In December
There
is also a lot of other people who are back from the previous movie I inducted
like Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Carlisle Cullen, Esme
Cullen, Ashley Greene, Kellan Lutz (who was also in the Nightmare on Elm Street
remake as well as New Moon), Nikki Reed, Jackson Rathbone, Billy Burke, Dakota
Fanning, Cameron Bright (who was also in Ultraviolet), Daniel Cudmore (who was
also in Alone in the Dark), Alex Marvez, Kiowa Gordon, Chaske Spencer, Bronson
Pelletier, Charlie Bewley, Tyson Houseman, Gil Birmingham, Anna Kendrick (who
deserves way better than these films), Michael Welch, Justin Chon, Christian
Serratos, and Tinsel Korey. Yeah, they’re all back.
So
with the last film having Chris Weitz directing and you saw me hating that film.
However, this time they actually got a director that knows a thing or two about
vampire films in David Slade, who directed a good vampire film 30 Days of
Night.
A
Person Who Knows How Vampire Films Work Directing A Vampire Film (Even A
Twilight One), What A Novel Concept. Something That They Of Course Won’t Do
Again For The Two Breaking Dawn Films Afterwards.
And
finally, there is someone else who was in a previous induction in this film,
but I will definitely get to that when I get to that actress. Let’s just get to
the film.
We
begin with some bloke leaving a bar.
Relax,
The Actor Is From Australia So I Didn’t Just Decide To Use Australian Lingo For
No Reason.
Unfortunately
for him, it is Seattle so of course it is raining. And like any guy who comes
back from a bar, he decides to walk in the alleys where no one is at night. Of
course, he suddenly gets attacked by something that goes by so fast, that I
really can’t get a good picture of it. He sees another nearby bar and tries to
go there for help, but of course if you haven’t guessed…this is a vampire
attacking him and the vampire pushes him near the docks and leaves him with a
nasty bite mark.
And
Now Thanks To The Vampire Venom That Was Established In The First Film, He Is
Now A Vampire Since He Couldn’t Get Cured Of It In Time.
And
it is at this time, the title shows up.
We
go to Forks, Washington and a meadow where our main characters Bella and Edward
are looking longingly at each other as Bella is reading a poem.
Would
At Least Give Me More Laughs If They Strolled Through The Meadows Like Some
Older Films Showed Couples In Love.
Also
should be mentioned that through this film, Kristen Stewart is wearing a
freaking wig since she cut her hair beforehand for the role of Joan Jett in The
Runaways so throughout this film, just remember that is a wig she is wearing.
We
see Edward sparkling since it is daylight and he asks Bella to marry him. She
wants him to turn her into a vampire, but he wants to marry her first. And she
doesn’t want to get married at such a young age at this time so the couple is
at a crossroads.
Bella
comes home and her dad Charlie is not happy that she actually is home at 4:00
on the dot because he thinks Edward might be trying to brown nose him.
Man,
If These Movies Weren’t Making Me A Lot Of Money, I Would Be Out Of This Shit
And
to be fair, some people would love being brown nosed.
Like
This Asshole
Oh
and now Charlie says that apparently she has been punished over her trip to
Italy in the last film to save Edward. Charlie also says he has grounded her
because he wants her to talk to other people again instead of just the Cullens.
Bella says there is nothing he can say to change the fact that Edward is in her
life and her dad takes a swig of beer.
Probably
The One Thing That Keeps Him From Leaving As These Movies Are Being Filmed
Charlie
then makes his daughter a deal that he will unground her if she uses this new
freedom to see some of her other friends like Jacob as apparently, Jacob is
going through a really tough time and his dad is worried about him. She then
tries to call Jacob, but of course he doesn’t answer. More Bella narration saying
that she wanted to fix things with Jacob, but he hasn’t given her a chance.
She
is about to go out to see Jacob, but of course Edward is somehow already in her
truck.
You Know, If I Didn’t Know This Movie Aint Going To Go There At All As It Has
No Balls, I Would Say Edward Will Be Revealed To Be Some Sort Of Stalker
He
is not too keen on the idea of Bella going to see Jacob because he doesn’t
trust him nor the other wolves. Bella then says she has until graduation to see
him and once she graduates, she will be one with the vampires and Jacob will
hate her forever. She leaves the truck and we go to the next day at school,
where Bella hangs out with her friends.
Including
Jessica, Played By The Lovely Anna Kendrick, Who Definitely Deserves Better
Than These Films.
Jessica
is preparing a speech since she will be the valedictorian at their graduation.
Alice shows up with her boyfriend Jasper Hale and she says that she has decided
to throw a party at her house and since not many people have been to the Cullen
household, this is a rare treat for the future graduates. Alice then has one of
her visions which we don’t see, but obviously Jasper knows. Bella and Edward go
to her dad at his work as sheriff of Forks, Washington and we see that he is
talking to the parents of that kid who got bit at the beginning, named Riley
Biers.
Bella
knows that Edward also knows what Alice and she wants to know what it is.
Edward reveals that what is going on inside is that Riley went missing over a
year ago (yes, that opening scene happened over a year ago and this is the
first time we are privy to that info). Normally, a movie would tell us after
that opening scene that this is a year later, but not this film…we have to find
out from one of the characters that it happened a year ago.
Edward
then reveals that he and his family have been tracking a situation in Seattle
for a while with people disappearing and people being killed. Also if the
situation gets any more well known, the Volturi will step in. Bella then sees
that if they go to Seattle, they could go to Forks and see that Bella is still
human despite promising in the future that the problem with her being human
would be rectified. Charlie shows up and Edward goes to leave before revealing
to Bella his family got her an airline ticket to Florida to see her mom. Edward
is definitely wanting Bella to go and Charlie seems to like this idea as well.
Bella then reveals that Edward also has a companion ticket to go with her and
that part Charlie is not 100% okay with.
We
get more narration that Bella did want to see her mom as she wants to know if
her mom’s life was full. Of course we then go to a scene where Bella is talking
with her mom and her mom wonders if she is going to miss all of this. Oh and
her mom (named Renee) talks about the idea of her going to a college in
Florida, but Bella seems to want to go to the University of Alaska as they have
a great science program up there. We also see that Renee has given her daughter
a quilt made of all the T-shirts of tourist traps they went to.
It
Is Always The Thought That Counts And I’ll Be Honest, That Is A Very Thoughtful
Gift. In Fact, This May Sound Strange, But I Would Love One Of Those.
While
the two of them are having this tender moment, the Cullen Family is chasing
Victoria through the woods. Of course, Victoria jumps over a river that is in
the wolves territory and when one of the Cullens tries to follow, he gets
knocked back because they need to stay in their own territory.
Obviously,
Victoria Gets Away Because Of This
Stupid
Animals
Bella
is back from her mom’s place and Edward asks if she regrets going without him.
Bella doesn’t regret it, but she says it was hard to say goodbye. Edward then
sees something and asks Bella to stay in the car, which she definitely doesn’t
do. And we once again meet Jacob.
Bella
and Jacob say a few things explaining where they have been. Jacob also warns
Edward that if his kind come on their lands again, there will be issues. Of
course Bella didn’t know any of this and now sees why Edward got her tickets to
her mom so she could be away from the danger. But of course, Bella learns that
Victoria is back and still wants to kill Bella. Bella gets on the bike with
Jacob as they still have more issues to iron out, despite Edward’s worry.
Jacob
takes Bella to meet the rest of his tribe.
And
They’re All Shirtless….Because Of Course They Are.
We
also see that their pack includes Leah Clearwater, who was the daughter of that
one Native American guy who died of a heart attack in New Moon.
She
Does Not Like Bella At All
We
learn that her brother Seth (who is 15) also joined the pack and they also talk
about imprinting, which is basically making sure that person will be part of
your life forever and making sure you will be part of that person’s life. Bella
asks if Jacob if he has imprinted on someone, Jacob says she would know if he
had (kind of a nod that he wants to imprint on Bella). She then reveals that
after graduation, she would be joining with the Cullens and Jacob is none too
happy about this. He once again shows his possessive side and definitely why
while Edward is a bad guy who doesn’t trust Bella and can be very possessive,
Jacob is no better as he is extremely possessive. If you need one line that
shows why Jacob is not the one you should ever fall in love with, it is this.
Jacob: Better you be dead
than one of them.
Bella
goes to leave as she is rightfully insulted by that remark, but Jacob
apologizes and she decides to stay.
Meanwhile,
at Bella’s place, we have an asshole in Bella’s room who decides to steal her
blouse.
I
See Riley Is A Perv As Well As A Vampire
Bella
comes home and her dad thinks she was hanging out with Edward, but she was
actually hanging out with Jacob. There is a knock at the door and it is Edward,
who asks Bella if she understands how worried he has been. Edward then smells
that someone else has been in this house and goes upstairs as Bella follows.
Edward takes Bella to meet with the other Cullen family members and reveals
that a stranger who isn’t Victoria or the Volturi was in Bella’s room while she
was away. Bella decides to ask Jacob for help. The next day, Jacob says that he
now knows the scent and the perpetrator won’t be sneaking into Bella’s room
again. We then see more moments of Edward and Jacob trying to be more macho as
Bella is tired of this.
In
narration, she said that she got the two sides to work together towards her
protection as the Cullens and wolves would split time in watching over her. Bella
also spends time with the pack more so she can be safe while the Cullens
investigate this new enemy. Jacob takes Bella to a council meeting with the
other members of his pack and it is here that we meet Seth.
Played
By An Actor Named Booboo Stewart. I Mention This Because Besides The Crappy
Name He Has Been Given (What, Is His Brother Or Dad Named Yogi?), He Has Been
In Plenty Of Future Monster Crap Inductions Since This Series Ended And
Normally Is Considered A Name To Be Put On The Marquee For Some Reason.
At
this meeting, we find out the history between vampires and the wolves as their
ancestors had to deal with evil vampires like the Cold Man.
This
Guy Who Completely Looks Ridiculous
This
Cold Man had been killing women and the Native Americans attack this guy. After
short fight, they kill him. Unfortunately the Cold Man had a lover and she
decided on vengeance against the tribe.
Hey
Proxima Midnight. No, Not Her Voice, But The Stunt Woman Who Was In The Green
Suit And Did The Work Of Her On-Set.
She
attacked the tribe and the son of one of the last spirit warriors Taha Aki and
was going to kill the Taha Aki, but his significant other stabbed herself to
draw blood, that would cause that vampire a momentary distraction so Taha can
kill her.
The
story teller says that something terrible is coming and they must all be ready.
Meanwhile,
we see Riley has amassed a group of other vampires that are killing people and
one of the people he has turned his a young lady named Bree Tanner.
Wait
A Minute…I Know That Face Anywhere. It’s Jodelle Ferland.
Mostly
of you may know her as the little girl who keeps yelling “Silent Hill” in that
Silent Hill movie, but I recognize her from a different movie; a much worse
movie.
Fucking
Uwe Boll’s Seed
Now
I’m going to stop the induction a bit because some people may have guessed that
at some point Nega Seth may force me to watch Blood Valley: Seed’s Revenge and
that was his plan. But….well, I think this link and price can give you all the
answer you may need as to if that is happening.
Yeah,
I don’t think that is happening. And before you ask about the Blu Ray, let’s
just say that my system that I use to take pictures of the movie does not work
with Blu Rays at all. So the only way this happens if some person with money to
burn decides to donate this film to me since it is on my wishlist here.
In
a way, you will have my thanks if you somehow do that…..and in a way, you will
probably have me say “Fuck You” to you for giving NegaSeth the ammo he so
wants. Back to Eclipse, Riley
talks to Bree and basically tells her that he will try to get her someone to
drink, but warns her to try and not get herself killed.
We
see a news report talking about the state of terror that Seattle is in as the
murder and vanishing spree continues. Carlisle, the head of the Cullens,
reveals that they will need to do something soon as things are only getting
worse. Jasper says that it takes more than one of their kind to cause the chaos
that has been happening and they all think that it is a band of newborns who
are causing this nightmare. Bella wonders why and Edward explains that in the
first few months of people turning into a vampire, they become extremely
strong, but volatile and craving blood and as they go through that cycle, they
become less powerful, but more sane and able to control themselves. Someone
thinks that someone is definitely creating an army of newborns and one of them,
Emmett wants to go to Seattle to take care of this. Carlisle says that if they
don’t stop them, the Volturi will, although he doesn’t understand why the
Volturi haven’t already stepped in. Edward reveals that in Italy, Aro wanted
him and Alice to join them, but he knew that while their family was still here,
they wouldn’t. Jasper thinks that an army of vampires might take care of that
and that might be the reason the Volturi have not stepped in yet.
Back
at the Swann household, Charlie looks over the missing persons report on Riley
and we find out he has not eaten yet. Apparently, Riley’s parents have papered
the whole place with these. Bella asks if Charlie thinks they should give up
and Charlie says he wouldn’t if he was in their shoes with Bella. Bella then
talks with Edward in her bed about the worry of never seeing her family again.
Edward of course tries to comfort her in the only way a poorly written
character can.
Edward: After a few
decades, everyone you know will be dead. Problem solved.
Bella
asks Edward why he is so against her being like one of them. Edward says that
he already told her that he knows the consequence of the choice that she is
making as he has lived through it and he doesn’t want her to suffer that
because if he did that just so he can never lose her, that would be the most
selfish thing he would ever do.
Then
the next day, Bella is with Jacob at a beautiful river. Bella reveals that
Alice has planned a big graduation party and Bella invites Jacob. Jacob finally
makes his move in telling Bella that he loves her and kisses her.
And
because he just basically forced himself upon her, she rightfully punches
him…but she breaks her hand because his skull is too strong.
She
gets pissed off and as Jacob drives her home, Edward knows this freaking
happened thanks to Alice and he is extremely pissed.
Wow…That
Face. I Can Only Just Laugh.
Bella
tells Jacob to leave. Charlie comes in to try to calm things down and he finds
out about Jacob kissing Bella. Of course at the Cullens’ house the next day, we
find out that it is just a sprain and should heal shortly. Emmett asks what did
Bella do and she reveals that she punched a werewolf in the face. Emmett finds
this to be badass and says she will be a tough newborn. This doesn’t make
Rosalie Hale, Emmett’s girlfriend happy and she walks off.
Bella
goes to see what is wrong with Rosalie and she explains that she was upset
because Bella has a choice to be human and yet she is willing to throw it all
away to be a vampire. Rosalie explains that she didn’t have a choice in turning
to a vampire and explains her backstory. Rosalie explains that when she was
alive (which was during Prohibition), she was engaged to this guy, who was
supposedly the most eligible bachelor out there. She didn’t even know what he
did, but she was in love.
His
Name Is Royce
We
then see one night , she is walking somewhere while Royce is talking with his
crew of guys. He then wants to talk to his wife and show her off to them, while
obviously drunk. She knows that he is drunk and doesn’t want to be part of
whatever they are doing. He wants to show off his wife with less clothes and she
wishes to leave until he is sober tomorrow. Royce doesn’t take this well and
assaults her. He then starts to rape her right there as his friends watch.
She
explains that they left her for dead. Carlisle found her (after having to smell
the blood) so he bit and turned her because he thought he was helping her.
Rosalie explains that she got her revenge on the gang, killing them all one by
one before Royce was the only one left. She of course gets through his police
guards and kills him.
Rosalie
explains that things got better after she met Emmett, but she will always be
this and misses the possibilities of life the could happen. Bella explains that
there is nothing in the world she is ever going to want more than Edward.
Rosalie explains that she is wrong again as after she is changed, the one thing
she is going to want…the one thing she will kill for…is blood.
Meanwhile,
more newborns have gone on a rampage in Seattle and Riley is pissed they didn’t
do so without his supervision and not keeping a low profile. He explains to
them that something bigger than all of them is coming and if they can’t control
themselves, they are all going to die. Riley then explains what is done is
done, but that they just need to clean up after themselves. The newborns go
back to killing their intended victims. Meanwhile, guess who is seeing this.
Members
Of The Volturi In Jane, Alec, Felix, And Demetri
I
would like to remind you that the Volturi are basically the Vampire Vatican. They
mention that the newborns have drawn too much attention already and most of
them want end this now, but Jane wants to see where this is going. Riley feels someone
is nearby watching, but when he turns around to where the Volturi were, they
are gone. I’d think this Volturi plan is very self-serving and unnecessary, but
then…
Ahhhh……Dakota
Fanning Might Try To Kill Me So I Think They Are Doing Fine Work And How Dare
You Think Otherwise.
We
go to graduation as Jessica does her valedictorian speech. As she is speaking,
we get montages to see Bella getting her diploma as her dad is extremely happy.
By
The Way, A Week Before This Film, Kristen Stewart Would Actually Get Her Actual
Diploma Via Correspondence. So In A Way, This May Be Actually Kind Of A Way To
Make Up For Her Missing Out On The Actual Graduation Ceremony.
We
then go to the after-graduation party and the Native American boys come to
greet Bella, including Jacob.
She
asks why they are here and Jacob reminds her that she did invite them. She
tries to explain that her punch should have signaled that they were uninvited.
Jacob then explains that he came here to apologize to Bella for what he did
back there. He also explains that he gave her graduation present that he made
himself.
Bella
is happy about the gift. Alice shows up and she gets a vision of Riley showing
the red blouse he stole to his newborn army so they can smell Bella’s scent.
Bella sees Alice’s look and knows she just saw a vision. Alice explains that
they are not going to Seattle anymore as the newborn army is coming here.
In
a private meeting with several members of the Cullen family and the wolves,
Alice explains that the army will be here in four days. They explain that the
head is Riley Biers and while they know Riley isn’t the real head, they know
that the real head is staying out of the action at this time. Carlisle talks
about that real leader playing on their blind spots and Jasper says that
doesn’t matter as the army is coming and the Cullen vampires are vastly
outnumbered. Jacob then explains that the werewolves are going to help since it
is obvious that they are after Bella. Bella tries to say they aren’t in, but
Jacob basically says that wasn’t a request, but a statement. Bella tries to get
Edward to get Jacob’s tribe out of this, but Edward is smart and knows that
their help would mean more protection for Bella. Carlisle asks if they can
agree to some mutual truce to fight the newborn army and Jacob says as long as
they get to kill some vampires, that shouldn’t be too hard to do. Jasper thinks
that the wolves should help the numbers and since they don’t know about them,
they can make a surprise that could help defeat the newborn army. Bella tries
again to get the wolves out of this, but Carlisle says the wolves will need
help in training to deal with newborns as with their special strength will take
some different approach to deal with them. Bella says that Jacob doesn’t know
what he is getting into and Jacob says this is what they do. Besides she should
be happy as well since they are now on the same side and no longer fighting.
We
then go to training to prepare for the newborn invasion. We also get the return
of…
Bad
CGI Wolves
We
also find out why the newborns are stronger since a bit of the human blood
still left in them so they are not that delicate. Jasper explains that two
rules to be known. First is to not let the newborns wrap their arms around them
as they will break their backs with their strength. Second is to never go for
the obvious kill since they will be expecting that. Then we get a training
montage. Oh and we also learn that you should never turn your back on your
enemy.
With
The Most Duh Look On This Face While Saying That
As
they are training, Bella tries to once convince Jacob to back out, but it is
obvious that is not happening. Edward looks at Jacob and he leaves while Edward
tells Bella that the training is over. Bella asks Jasper if there is anything
she can do to help. Jasper says that her presence alone and scent will distract
them enough. We then finally learn Jasper’s backstory, but we first see his
arm.
Jasper
explains that those are battle scars from his time in the Confederate Army and
while training maybe useless against newborns, he never lost a fight. We find
out that Jasper was the youngest major in the Texas Cavalry when he met a
certain vampire named Maria.
She
Is In The Middle And Basically An Uncredited Cameo For Catalina Sandino Moreno,
Who Was The First Columbian Actress To Be Nominated For An Oscar In 2004 For
Maria Full Of Grace. Don’t Know How They Got Her, But They Did.
She
turns him into a vampire in hopes of leading an army of newborns against her
enemies, who they never explained. But they do explain that when newborns
almost grew to a certain point where they would no longer be ones, Maria had
Jasper kill them before they became weak.
Jasper
explains that he thought what he and Maria had was love, but she merely was
using him as her puppet.
He
says that he didn’t know any other way until he met Alice. We then see a dream
where Maria and Victoria (first time we’ve seen her in a while) convince Jasper
to attack. Bella wakes up from it and reveals to Edward that Riley and the
newborn army are obviously puppets for Victoria, who is using the same approach
Maria used years ago to get her revenge. We then see Riley Biers beating up and
putting a kid on his shoulders when Victoria shows up. She welcomes the kid to
the army before biting him.
Outside,
Bella says she is not going to hide while Edward puts his life on the line for
her. Edward then explains that if it is Victoria, he needs to keep her as far
away from the action as possible. Bella says that Jasper says she can be of
help and Edward says that with the wolves, this will be an easy win. Bella says
that it is obviously dangerous if they are apart. Edward agrees on that, but
they both will stay away together.
Edward,
Bella, Jasper, and Jacob meet at an open clearing which they plan on using as a
battlefield so it will hopefully give them an advantage against the newborn
army. They explain that Edward and Bella will stay away so as to protect Bella
from Victoria. They also need Jacob as his stench can block Bella’s smell from
Victoria knows her exact smell and not just her blood. Basically, despite
Edward’s apprehension, Jacob must carry Bella to the campsite where Bella and
Edward will hope to stay away from the battlefield.
Originally,
Jacob Was Supposed To Pull Bella On A Cart (Like I Think Was In The Book
Because Why Else Would They Have This Idea), But It Looked Ridiculous To
Everyone And Taylor Lautner Just Agreed To Carry Kristen Stewart Instead Since
It Was Worth The Risk To Look Better.
In
a discussion between Bella and Jacob, we also learn that of the pack’s Alpha
Male is Sam. Jacob explains that he originally never wanted to be in the pack
and he certainly doesn’t want to be its leader. Jacob tries to tell Bella that
she can love more than one person at a time. Oh, it is true that you can have
more than one person you want to spend the rest of your life with at the same
time…but we call them polygamists. Well, Stephenie Meyer is Mormon and a sect
of them loves polygamy so…yeah, I don’t want to read too much into this.
Jasper
talks to Edward and says this plan will work since he couldn’t smell Bella’s
scent at all over the wolf smell. Alice then talks with Charlie and convinces
him that his daughter and her are going on a sleepover as a cover for this
obvious battle. Alice explains to Bella afterwards that Edward and her will
actually have the house to themselves for the night as the rest of the Cullens
are going to hunt for wildlife so they can power themselves up for the upcoming
battle.
Bella
then has a conversation with Charlie. Bella then asks her dad why he didn’t get
married after he and her mom divorced. He explains that he probably hasn’t met
the right woman yet. He wonders why she is asking and Bella explains that she
thought maybe he gave up on the whole institution of marriage. She wonders if
he thought there was any value in it. Charlie says there is value in it and
she’ll find out about it when she is much older as her mom seemed to be able to
make it work in the second time in life when she was older. It then gets
awkward as her dad talks about not wanting to get married because you have to
since getting intimate could cause things. But Bella doesn’t want to hear
anymore about it. Bella also says Edward is old school and Charlie wonders if
that is code for something.
At
Least She Didn’t Say Old Fashioned Or You Could Be Creeped Out In Different
Ways
Bella
then says she is still a virgin and the dad wants nothing more about this
conversation so it ends. Thank god for that.
That
night, Bella goes to the Cullen house to be with Edward. Edward gives her a
piece of jewelry as well so he can be represented.
The
two go to sleep together. Again, we learn that Edward still has that condition
that he will only turn her if they get married. Bella then says she wants to
negotiate her own condition as well. Bella of course tries to have sex with
him, but Edward says no as that might kill her. Bella says that she wants to
have sex with him while she is still human. Edward says it is too dangerous,
but Bella says they should still try. Then they start doing it, but Edward says
they definitely can’t do it today. Edward says while he wants to, he wants to
be married to her first. Edward explains that he was from a different time and
back then (he was turned in 1918 to escape the Spanish Influenza (look it up)),
they did things of having sex only after marriage. Edward then shows the ring
(that was from his birth mother) and proposes marriage formally to her. She
finally after all this time in this film says yes.
Meanwhile,
under some train tracks, Riley talks with Victoria. And sure enough, Victoria
is playing Riley for a fool by basically making him believe she turned him out
of love and that she needs him to do this newborn army thing to protect her
from Bella and Edward, as well as the other members of the Cullen clan. She
talks about her dead friend Laurent (the only time the name of my favorite
character from the previous films gets mentions) and that they killed him. Of
course, she never mentions her ex-mate James because then Riley might see that
she is using him for her own vengeance.
The
next day, Bella cuts herself and starts leaving blood trails at certain spots
to lead the newborns to the forest clearing.
Edward: Bella, How Many
Times Have I Told You That The Trashy 2000 Movie Trees Wasn’t Real?
Edward
realizes that Bella isn’t wearing the engagement ring given to her. She makes
the excuse that she doesn’t want to risk losing, but what she is really doing
is making sure at this time that Jacob does not know they are engaged.
Edward
tells Jacob that Alice said there was a storm coming and Jacob says he could
feel it. Now more of Jacob carrying Bella.
Then
we see all the vampires near the river that leads to Forks, Washington and the
awesome shot of the vampires walking underwater towards their destination.
Jacob
takes Bella to the tent that was set up at the highest point in town where
Edward due to his fast speed and not having to carry Bella, is already there. Bella
tells Jacob that he can go, but he says he is staying for right now as she will
need his connection to the pack to know how the battle is going. Of course, Sam
will replace him on watch over Bella in the morning.
That
night, a snowstorm hits and for some dumb reason, no one thought to bring any
heat source at this height so of course, Bella gets freezing.
This
leads to a situation where Bella may suffer hypothermia, suffer frost bite, or
freeze to death before the sun comes up so she is going to need someone close
to her to keep her warm. Edward is out because as a vampire, he has no body
heat to keep her warm so that means…
While
Bella is sleeping, Jacob and Edward have an interesting conversation of what
would happen if Bella chose Jacob instead of Edward, would Edward try to kill
him. Edward says he wouldn’t as her happiness is more important to him than his
own. Jacob asks why he would turn her into one of them if that was so important
and while Edward says he did try and leave, Jacob says he didn’t try hard
enough. Edward says he knows Jacob can give her a better human life than he
can, but he is never going to force her to choose anything ever again. Edward
admits that if they weren’t mortal enemies and Jacob wasn’t trying to steal his
girl, Edward might like him. Jacob then admits that if he wasn’t trying suck
the life out of the woman he loves, he still would hate him as vampire and
werewolf issues.
The
next day, Sam comes to take over for Jacob. Bella thinks Jacob is far from
sight even though Edward admits that he is merely just checking to see if he
won’t get ambushed so she decides to talk about them getting married. Of
course, Jacob comes back just as they are talking about it so yeah, the cat is
out of that bag now.
Bella
then looks at Edward at gets upset because she believed that he knew Jacob was
listening, this despite the fact that Edward said not a few minutes ago that he
wasn’t gone yet.
Edward
then admits that yeah, he knew Jacob could hear and says that Jacob deserves to
know. Jacob goes to leave with his feelings hurt that he was not told earlier
that she made her final decision when Bella decides to do something so
manipulative that she so deserves to get neither Edward or Jacob.
You
know, I am reminded of a video game called Witcher III. I mean, I haven’t
played the game, but I do know certain things about it. Like where you are a
guy and there are two ladies you can romance, but be careful because if you try
to romance them both at the same time and try to be like Bella with your male
character, they both act like they are going to do a three-way with you while
you are handcuffed to the bed, and then decide to just leave you. This is
manipulative and cruel that she strings along both guys like Geralt of Rivia
would have done to both Yennefer or Triss, but unlike that video game (that
from what I hear, is awesome), this series doesn’t have the balls to have both
guys dump her for being the evil woman that she is, which despite this being in
the film and also the book it is based off of, is not what I am supposed to be
feeling towards the main freaking character.
So
yes, Jacob is still like Edward, a puppet to the whims of this callous jezebel.
He then leaves to go get ready for the battle with the newborn army. She then
tells Edward that she didn’t know what happened there and Edward basically says
that she loves Jacob. Bella says she loves Edward more and Edward says that he
knows that. Sam comes to tell them that the battle is starting.
The
newborns are drawn to Bella’s blood on certain spots and head to the clearing
where the Cullens are waiting.
As
the battle begins, the werewolves also come in to ambush the newborns.
Despite
how nice this fight looks, no one on the good guy side sides.
Victoria
notices this ambush and sees that Bella is not there, meaning they have been
tricked.
Bree
(who has been hiding) gets cornered by both Carlisle and his wife Esme.
Edward
reveals that Victoria is close since she used Edward’s scent since she knew
Edward would be with her. When she arrives, she has not come alone.
Edward
tries telling Riley the truth that Victoria is merely using him to get her own
personal revenge and would be glad to see Edward kill him so she no longer has
to deal with him. However, Victoria denies all of that and of course, Riley
believes Victoria. Riley tells Edward that he is dead, but Sam shows up to even
the odds. It is now Edward and Sam (in wolf form) against Victoria and Riley.
Sam
gets the advantage on Riley early and rips his hand off.
Victoria
goes to help Riley, but Edward taunts her about killing James and you can see
where Victoria’s feelings truly lie.
Victoria
goes after Edward and after knocking out Sam, Riley joins Victoria making it a
2 on 1 match. Edward tries his best, but it seems those odds are too much and
he is about to be killed.
However,
Bella has a ace up her sleeve in cutting herself with a sharp rock so her
bleeding causes a distraction.
This
slight distraction causes Sam to rejoin the fight and grab Riley. Riley yells
for Victoria to help him, but since she no longer needs him in her mind, she
doesn’t help him.
It’s
now one on one between Edward and Victoria and after a few minutes, Edward
kills Victoria.
Edward
immediately goes to Bella and rips part of her coat to bandage her hand. Edward
reveals that Alice needs them to join them in the clearing so Bella, Sam, and
he go to there after burning Victoria’s body to ash.
They
come and know the Volturi are coming. The Cullens say that the wolves need to
leave since the Volturi won’t honor any pact with them. Of course, there is one
more newborn left which Jacob has to save Leah from. Jacob ends up getting his
ribs broken in the process.
The
other wolves rip the newborn apart as Jacob goes back to being human. The pack
leaves with Carlisle saying he will help them as soon as he can, but they need
to get out of there before the Volturi show up. Then the Volturi show up.
That's Because They Are Cool.
We
find out that Bree is still alive since she surrendered in exchange for asylum.
Unfortunately, the Volturi won’t honor that deal as well and Jane starts to
torture Bree for information with her mind powers.
Bree
can only give them what she knows in that Riley led them, but would never
reveal who was higher than him. Edward reveals that it was Victoria and asks
that maybe the Volturi knew of that, but Carlisle is diplomatic and tells
Edward that if the Volturi knew about her, they would have stopped her. The
Volturi say that is true…
Jane
then has Felix kill Jane.
The
Volturi also mentions that it is interesting that Bella is still human despite
the promise to turn her with Bella saying that the date for turning has been
set.
That
night, Carlisle fixes up Jacob. Jacob’s dad Billy thanks Carlisle and we see a
handshake knowing that the two leaders are on better terms. Bella goes to
console Jacob since he has been asking for her.
It
is here that Bella admits that she does love Jacob, but she loves Edward more.
Jacob says that at least he did everything he could to change her mind as he is
sure it wasn’t easy making Bella admit her feelings towards him. Jacob does say
he will need some time to deal with this heartbreak, but he’ll always be
waiting…until Breaking Dawn Part 2, but we will get into that “holy shit”
bullshit on another day.
Back
at the meadow the next day, they reveal that the wedding will be on August 13
as it is a month before her birthday and she doesn’t need to be another year
older than him. They reveal that Alice can get the wedding set up until then.
Edward says that there is no rush, but Bella says she has chosen her life and
she wants to start living it. It doesn’t even matter to Bella who is on the
guest list or what the dress looks like, as long as she is marrying Edward, she
is happy. Edward says that she is too busy making everyone else happy, but she
is already giving away too much. Bella says that he is wrong. Bella says this
was never a choice between him and Jacob, it was between who she should be and
who she actually is. Bella says she has always felt like an outsider and always
stumbling her way through life. She reveals that she isn’t normal and doesn’t
want to be. She also says she has never felt stronger despite feeling death,
loss, and pain. After a few more things, she says she has to do something more
difficult than planning a wedding beforehand and she may need his help in this
endeavor. The thing she needs to do…is to break the news to her dad. Bella
tells Edward that it is a good thing he is bullet-proof and as she is once again
given the ring to wear, that is where we end this movie.
Two
More Films Left In This Saga And I Know They Will Be Worse Than This Film
And
of course, nobody really suffered as this series still continued for two more
films and both Robert Pattinson (who played Edward) and Kristen Stewart (who
played Bella) are doing fine. Taylor Lautner (who played Jacob) however did not
become the big star many people thought he would be as he would get one
theatrical feature starring vehicle in Abduction. That film of course was a
commercial and critical failure. Anna Kendrick ended up becoming the big deal
out of the cast because after Up In The Air, there was the Pitch Perfect series
and now she is a big star. Christian Serratos (who played Angela) went on to be
in the hugely successful Walking Dead TV series as Rosita. Jackson Rathbone
(who played Jasper) had an interesting week when this film came out because he
was in two films that weekend. The other film…
Peter
Facinelli (who played Carlisle) was still doing Nurse Jackie at the time until
that show in 2015. Elizabeth Reaser (who played Esme) has found some good luck
being in some horror series and shows like Ouija: Origin Of Evil and the
Netflix “Haunting of Hill House” series. Bryce Dallas Howard (who played
Victoria) would go on to be in films like The Help, Pete’s Dragon, the two
Jurassic World films, and will be in the upcoming Elton John biopic
“Rocketman”. Monique Ganderton (who played the vampires who attacked the Native
Americans) continues to do stunt work and is on set for some superhero movies
these days. Jodelle Ferland (who was Bree Tanner) went on to be in The Cabin In
The Woods and ParaNorman. Jack Huston (who played Royce) went on that same year
to be in the hit HBO series Boardwalk Empire as Richard Harrow.
Dakota
Fanning (who played Jane) has done okay for herself as she was in that
miniseries I watched called The Alienist and is in the upcoming Quentin
Tarentino film “Once Upon A Time…In Hollywood”. Leah Gibson (who played Lucy)
went onto to be in the second season of Jessica Jones as the con artist Inez
Green. David Slade (the director) has gone to direct plenty of TV and was the
director of that Black Mirror special called Bandersnatch. No deaths to report
again so I’m happy.
Now
for my final opinion on this film. This is no where near as boring and mind
numbing as New Moon was. The action was really good and it set up for the
eventual battle. However, the character writing for Bella especially was just
godawful and you really saw how manipulative she was with these two guys where
I wouldn’t blame you if you weren’t on either Team Edward or Team Jacob and
more on Team These Two Men Deserve Better Than This Bitch. It still suffers
from PG-13 of not having blood, but having decapitations that make the deaths
more look like the poster of the original The Stepford Wives.
Ultimately
while it is better than New Moon, I wasn’t as okay with it as I was with the
first film since the characters weren’t terribly rotten to the core and I did
like the villains in that one. Unfortunately, the next one is a competitor for
the worst of this series with New Moon so when I get to it, lord help me.
Now
that I finally got that done, what is next on your gauntlet of suck.
Oh
dear god…
Yep…it is time you go back to…
