Monster Crap
Inductee: Lost Boys: The Tribe
Should Have Stayed Lost In The Shadows
2008
I
know, I have been rather hard on Joel Schumacher for the two Batman films (and
those films do sort of deserve that). But trust me when I say that he was once
a very good director as he had the amazing film known as Falling Down.
But
before that, he gave us probably one of the best vampire films in The Lost
Boys.
The
film is credited with being one of the first to make vampires youthful and
sexy, and before anyone says they ruined the genre and led to crap like
Twilight, remember that the vampires in The Lost Boys were still monstrous when
they needed to be thanks to makeup.
Definitely
Do More Than Freaking Sparkle
Anyway,
that movie is great and all through the 90s, Joel Schumacher tried to get a
sequel of this film called The Lost Girls made with the understanding that
Kiefer Sutherland would return as a vampire (which is why in the film, they
never showed his character David dissolving or exploding like other vampires),
but sadly the film never got off the ground.
But
Warner Brothers eventually decided that in 2008, they needed to exploit the
success from this film and made a sequel which Joel Schumacher had no part in.
But hey, this film has a Sutherland in it as the head vampire….Kiefer’s
half-brother Angus Sutherland. It would also get the return of Corey Feldman as
Edgar Frog.
He
Was Also In That Cheesy Bordello Of Blood Film That Was A Tales From The Crypt
Film
And
they would then release this film onto DVD with no theatrical appearance since
they didn’t see any value in releasing in to theaters. There are also other
people who were in Monster Crap inductions in the past like the star Tad
Hilgenbrink
Who
Had Appearances In Epic Movie (He’s Behind “Wolverine”) And Disaster Movie
We
also have Sarah Smyth (who was in Decoys) and Lindsay Maxwell (who was in
Decoys 2).
Lindsay In
Some BDSM Gear
Now
that we got all that introduction out of the way, let’s get to the movie.
We
begin this movie with a bunch of asshole surfer dudes trespassing into the
backyard of a mansion to catch some good waves.
Yeah,
You’re Probably Thinking These Guys Are Gonna Just Die Before The Title
Card…Just Wait.
We
immediately see that the owner of this property sees them and it’s Tom Savini.
Tom
Savini, outside of Stan Winston, Rick Baker, and Rob Bottin, is one of the best
effects artists that was ever around (with his work being seen in Friday The 13th,
Friday The 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter, Dawn of the Dead, Day of
the Dead, Creepshow, among others). However, unlike the other three (who stayed
in that lane (even when one of them passed away)), Tom decided to do more
acting (although he occasionally still does it).
He
also in the 80s had a wrestling feud with Jerry “The King” Lawler.
Yes,
That Guy.
In
videos that can sadly no longer be found, Tom Savini blamed Jerry Lawler for
the death of Andy Kaufman and would send monster after monster after Lawler
like Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger (a character who Tom Savini never
created whatsoever). Yeah, 80s Memphis Wrestling was extremely weird.
Tom
(playing David Van Etten (not the same David from the first one (at least I
hope not))) isn’t exactly happy about these little jerks being on his property
and confronts them. The surfers tell him that he doesn’t own the ocean, but
David says that he owns everything on this property and since their asses are
on his property, he owns their asses now. One of the surfers comes up to him
and David pushes him down before revealing that he is a vampire.
So
I guess you are thinking those asshole surfers are dead, right? Well, in the
only real twist this movie has to offer, the surfers are also vampires.
They
kill David and the head of the surfer vampires tells them to take off his head
as well, which they do and punt into the ocean.
And
after that, we get the title.
You
know, that was a good opening scene with a left turn where we thought we were
seeing David kill guys who would normally be cannon fodder, but the guys who
would normally be cannon fodder instead kill the guy who would normally kill
them. Unfortunately, that was only about 4 minutes of the movie in 93 minute
movie…and all the good I have to say for this movie goes bye bye.
After
some montage of the California beach life, we get a brother and sister Chris
and Nicole moving into to a new place after their parents have died from a car
accident.
They
have moved into a side house at their aunt Jillian’s place.
Oh
and the place they are staying at…….
Is
Sort Of A Dump
The
rent for the place is $650 a month and as well as being a dump, the backyard
also comes with its own bum.
Nicole
rightfully complains about the place and Chris agrees so they decide to walk
around the town in hopes of getting their spirits up. More montages of the
beach city life ensue as well as a shirtless guy with a saxophone.
This
guy with a saxophone is one of the many times that this movie does try to ape
the original only for it to fail big time. I want you to look at this guy and
then look at the shirtless sax guy from the first movie.
And
before anyone tries to say that maybe that is the same guy who just let himself
go. This is Tim Cappello (who played Shirtless Sax Guy today).
Not
The Same Guy As The Guy In This Bad Sequel
While
Chris is looking for boards since he was a former pro surfer who got kicked off
the circuit, Nicole gets awkwardly hit on by this goof named Evan.
Nice Freddy Krueger Shirt (Sarcasm)
Chris
tries to get a job shaping surfboards, but the surf board owner tells him to go
find the Frog Brothers as they shape all the surfboards. So the Frog Brothers
went from owning a comic shop to shaping boards now, that’s different. The
owner of the board shop draws him a map and Chris and Nicole go to where the
Frog Brothers are, which has this stupid sign.
Guess
You Gotta Make Sure With Those Vampires
And
This Is Where The Frog Brothers Live Now.
Chris
tries to knock on the door, but no one answers. Chris just leaves a sheet of
paper with the address in case the Frog Brothers need to find him.
Wait….Someone
Is Home And They Didn’t Answer? Rude!!!
Chris
and Nicole go home and they basically clean up their new home so it can be
somewhat livable. Nicole goes to take a shower, hoping it works. Chris goes
outside and looks longingly at people surfing as he still wishes he could do
so. As he looks out, he is met by legendary ex-surfer Shane Powers, who you
might remember as one of those asshole surfers from the beginning.
As
You Can Guess, This Is Angus Sutherland.
He
invites Chris to a party he is throwing tonight. And as Angus talks, you start
to realize why he doesn’t have many acting roles, unlike his more famous
half-brother or his more famous dad. You see, Angus is not even close to a good
actor and does not know how to do different emotions at all so he is quite a
bore. That is a huge problem since as I mentioned earlier, he is the head of
these villainous blood suckers so he gets more lines than his other vampire
minions, who aren’t great either…but they sure are better than him. We’re kind
of screwed here already and we are only 16 minutes into the 93 minute movie.
Back
inside, Nicole is done with her shower (meaning it worked) and wants to go to
this party as well. Chris doesn’t want to let her go because he has a gut
feeling that this may be bad. Even though he did idolize Shane, he finds Shane
weird and doesn’t want to go to the party either. Jillian comes in and asks
them to hang with her as she has the Goonies, which they think may be a
disease. No, I am not kidding you.
She
Has To Explain To Them That The Goonies Is A Movie
*breathes
for a minute*
I
am not going to go completely insane on millennials because technically, I
could be considered a millennial. But if you really do not know what the hell
the Goonies is when you are grown up, there is ZERO hope for you. In fact, just
kill these two supposedly lead characters off right now, I do not wish to
follow them. By the way, now just 17 minutes of the movie have gone by.
The
brother and sister decide that they are going to go to this party instead of
enjoying the greatness that is The Goonies and they head to the mansion the
vampires obtained by killing that other vampire. At the party, Chris meets Jon,
who they also have unexplained bad history. Chris wants to leave after seeing
that douchebag here, but Nicole insists he stays. She goes on her own after
telling Chris that there is this girl who seems to have the hots for him.
Nicole
goes over to a corner where Evan sees her and tries to get her attention. Shane
sees this and gets his minions Jon, Erik, and Kyle to eventually get him to go
away with the threat of stabbing his ass. Shane then makes his move and asks if
Nicole wants a tour, which she accepts.
Chris
goes over to talk to the attractive woman (who is named Lisa). Lisa reveals
that while she doesn’t follow surfing, she follows surfers and sometimes
surfers follow her. Chris follows her to the showers and the two have sex.
Beavis
And Butthead Can Happily Report That There Is Boobs
Meanwhile,
Shane takes Nicole to the bedroom where they talk. No, they do not have sex in
the bedroom just yet. They talk about the death of Nicole’s parents and that it
caused Chris to snap, which got him kicked out of the surfing circuit and lose
all his sponsors. Shane says that Chris seems like a good guy, who got a tough
break. He also says she did as well. Nicole then talks about how death can be a
good thing because knowing you can die will make you appreciate living more.
Shane then gives Nicole a dead rose and says that he believes that they can
change reality through sheer force of will. Of course this is all the magic
trick to make the rose alive again.
He
then gets her to drink what he says is some alcohol out of a flask.
If
You Remember The First Movie, You Know That Isn’t Alcohol
Nicole
feels some of the effects from the flask and Shane asks if she wants to go
outside, which she agrees to. They go on a motorcycle ride.
Not
Wearing Any Helmets…You Two Should Either Be Dead Or Arrested
Outside,
Jon and Erik decide to play a prank on Kyle by stabbing him to the point that
his guts fall out.
PRANKED,
BRO!!!!
By
the way, this goes fucking no where as Kyle will be fine later (remember, he’s
a vampire minion) and no cops are called at all for what is essentially murder
with a crap ton of witnesses. With all this noise of screams, Chris decides to
stop having shower sex with Lisa and goes to look for her sister. Shane and
Nicole go for a ride, but when they come back, Chris is waiting and he is
pissed. Chris decides that he and Nicole need to leave and when Shane tries to
say she is fine, Chris decks him.
Chris
takes Nicole away and tells Shane to stay away from her. Jon, Erik, and Kyle
want to go after them, but Shane tells them not to. As they leave, Shane licks
the blood off his nose and smiles.
On
the ride home, Chris and Nicole argue over what happened and Nicole suddenly
pukes, she says that something is seriously the matter with her which is more
than being drunk. Once they get back to their place, Nicole continues on that
there is something seriously wrong with her and sure enough, she’s right.
However,
she gets knocked out thanks to getting hit in the back with a surfboard by
Edgar Frog.
Yeah,
he will actually be the only Frog Brother you will be seeing in this movie as
thanks to some graphic novel you have to read, Alan Frog got turned into a
vampire and only appears in an alternate ending. And if you didn’t know that,
well…you are SOL and I’m not talking about the test you take.
Edgar
is about to stake Nicole, but Chris stops him because it is still his sister.
Edgar tries to explain that she is a vampire, but Chris is not believing a
single word of it and Edgar is kicked out of the place.
That
night, as Nicole sleeps on the bed, Lisa shows up and is here for a booty call
for Chris. She asks if she can be invited in and Chris tries to say that now is
not the best time, but the power of a bikini changes things. And of course
because life can never be so easy as to get a hot piece of ass to want to bang
you in these films, it turns out that Lisa is a vampire.
Chris
struggles with Lisa and gets impaled into some antlers that were put in place
earlier.
Because
That Death Was Also Done In The First One (Even Though David Wasn’t Supposedly
Dead, Based On Future Plans)
But
Lisa is dead and she turns into stone before disintegrating.
Via
Some Awful CGI
It
is at this point that Chris starts to realize that Edgar might not have been
lying about this whole vampire thing. He confronts Edgar about it the next day
and Edgar explains a few things. He explains that anything (even a blunt
object) will do as long as it pierces the heart (meaning it doesn’t even have
to be a stake). We also find out that Edgar knows all this through comic books
and since Nicole is more likely to have drank the blood of a vampire, they
still have time to save her by killing the head vampire before she feeds.
That
night, Nicole calls Evan.
Nicole
plans on feeding on Evan, but Chris stops her and kicks Evan out. Chris
explains the situation and Nicole is horrified that she was about to feed on
Evan because she is a vegetarian. Hey, that hasn’t stopped movies before from saying
that because they were vegetarians in life, they don’t eat meat when they are undead.
Looking
At You, Day Of The Dead Remake
As
Evan heads out, he gets met and kidnapped by Jon and Kyle.
The
next day, Evan and Edgar try to figure out where the vampire nest could be
because no self-respecting vampire would ever live in a mansion (so I guess the
vampire from the beginning was not a self-respecting vampire). Instead vampires
live in a place with a lot of human suffering. Edgar reveals that he has to get
into that vampire inner circle before they can find out where their lair is.
Edgar says that Chris will have to go all the way to gaining their trust (aka
drinking that vampire blood) before betraying them and he asks if Chris can do
it. Chris responds that he can. Edgar then says that this is a dangerous game
he will be playing and if he goes all the way and becomes a vampire, Edgar will
come for him.
We
then go to that place where we see Shane wake up.
It
is that night now where he summons Nicole and gets her to come with him. And of
course she gets to this old abandoned mine and has sex with Shane.
There
is only one thing I can think during all of this (besides how his minions with
their side stuff are out-acting their boss), it is who in their right mind
decided that this whole scene needs a Cry Little Sister cover song.
This
is probably the ultimate moment of this movie trying so hard to ape the first
movie and failing so badly. This version of the song sucks. There were two
great classic songs from the first Lost Boys movie. They were “Lost In The
Shadows” by Lou Gramm and “Cry Little Sister” by G-Tom Mac. This film basically
has a terrible version of this song and the only good thing I can say is thank
god they don’t have a terrible version of Lost In The Shadows or this would be
akin to Highlander: The Source.
I
guess another good thing is that this also isn’t the Marilyn Manson version of
“Cry Little Sister”
Yikes.
At
the police station, Chris goes to file a missing persons report on Nicole and
even knows who she may be with, but of course the cops just say they’ll call
him if they find anything as they do have a system. Chris leaves, realizing
they probably won’t do squat where he runs into Jon. Now you might remember
that Jon and Chris had some past grudge or something, but of course…that is
completely forgotten about. Jon even takes Chris to meet with Shane and the
gang where he meets his sister, who is doing okay. He apologizes for last night
and…wait a minute. That incident with Shane happened at least two nights ago.
Yes, this movie has forgotten it’s own timetable of events.
Anyway,
Shane forgives him and hopes Chris will understand that he has actually given
Nicole a gift, a gift that he can also have. He basically talks about the idea
of maybe taking away the fear of death from him and to join a real family through
vampirism. He says that Kyle’s family gave up on him because they thought he
was suicidal when he was really just an adrenaline junkie. He says the less
said about Erik’s past the better or Chris would become an accessory after the
fact. He then reveals that Jon shattered his knee and was never supposed to
surf again, but he is able to now without that injury issue coming up. He
offers Chris the chance to join them on some fun they have planned and of
course, he accepts.
That
fun of course is screwing around with the cops and outrunning them.
They
go back to their hideout, but don’t allow Chris in because he isn’t a member
just yet. Chris says what if he says yes to joining them permanently and Shane
responds that he needs to think long and hard about it because once you join
the tribe, you can’t ever leave.
Next
day at the house, Jillian comes by the place and she is upset that the check
Chris gave her bounced. Chris tries to explain how he transferred some money
in, but Jillian isn’t having it and is saying she might have given him and his
sister the wrong idea that she would be relaxed with them because they are
family. She talks about how Jillian had a guy over last night (that now would
be two nights ago) and that she is underage (17) as well as them going in and
out all times in the day and night, she wants them to start shaping up as she
has an apparent reputation to uphold (what….a reputation for having crappy
apartments with homeless guys in the backyard (yeah, that shit is never brought
up again)). Jillian says the two need to stop acting like a couple of vampires.
Chris then goes inside to do exactly what Jillian had issues with: sleeping all
day and hanging out at night. He then goes out surfing with Shane and the gang
while his aunt sees all of this.
While
driving to a surfing spot, Chris has some issues with there being no moon so
they might have issues seeing. They all laugh and also laugh about his
questions about night vision and if they can turn into bats. Kyle of course
also mentions that bats don’t have night vision either and have sonar instead.
Shane says that they do see things differently and gets Chris to drink from the
flask so he can see things as they do. They then surf and have some girls
waiting for them.
They
all party, but Shane and Nicole decide to leave early to do some stuff on their
own. After Shane leaves, Jon talks about how blood and sea water are the same
and some French biologist drained all the blood out of a cat and replaced it
with diluted sea water and the dog lived as that saltwater quickly turned into
new blood. Boy, do I have no idea if this is true as it sounds far-fetched and
it especially helps that I really couldn’t find much about it online, except
some stuff that might make it true….but not the actual experiment so hell, if I
know although I doubt it.
Afterward
those words, Jon, Kyle, and Erik reveal they are vampires.
They kill the three girls they were with.
They
want Chris to feed on the girl he was with so he can be a full-fledged vampire,
but Chris refuses so Jon kills her instead.
Now
as you can imagine, Jon is pissed at Chris for chickening out. Jon starts
kicking Chris’ ass while Erik and Kyle watch on. Chris of course stabs Jon in
the heart with a stick and Jon is slain.
Erik
and Kyle think that Chris no longer has a way to kill them and it is a
two-on-one so they plan to kill him. But of course Edgar shows up, asking one
simple question.
Meh….I’ve
seen worse puns.
Kyle
and Erik see it is a fair fight so of course, they….
Edgar
asks if Chris is cool and Chris says that he is. In fact, he shows him his
teeth to prove that he is still not a full-fledged vampire. Chris says the two
now need to get to the nest (which he knows where it is) before Nicole feeds.
Edgar agrees. In the car ride to the nest, we also learn that through an online
course, Edgar Frog is an ordained minister so he can make any water into holy
water by just blessing it. He also explains that no two vampires go out the
same way, which basically explains how one will turn to stone while another
will just throw up all his blood…and more. They reveal the weaponry like a
variety of stakes, a guy that shoots holy water bullets (aka holy water in
small bean bags), and a garlic bolo. They get to the nest.
It
is at this point that Shane now decides that he is gonna try to turn Nicole
into a full-fledged vampire by having her feed on a bound and gagged Evan.
And
what do ya know? Despite saying she was ready, Nicole can’t go through with it.
Meanwhile,
Chris and Edgar go through the mine where they separated as Chris has to deal
with Erik while Edgar has Kyle to contend with.
They
fight near an old jackhammer and of course, Erik gets freaking killed with it.
The
Edgar vs. Kyle battle is not one as Edgar just blows Kyle’s head off with one
of those holy water bullets.
Chris
finally gets to the main part of the hideout where he confronts Shane.
Chris
immediately fights Shane. Nicole shows up trying to say she doesn’t want to
lose her brother and Shane, thinking she did the deed offscreen, believes
Nicole is on his side now. Chris spits in his face so Shane beats him up
despite Nicole’s pleas. Nicole then finally decides blood is thicker than water
and stabs Shane via a stake from behind.
Shane
tries to take Nicole with him, but Chris has a sword and cuts off Shane’s head.
Shane’s
body catches on fire and burns.
Edgar
comes in to congratulate everyone on the job well done and also saying that
they will be getting a bill for his services. Brother and sister finally head
home as it is now daylight out. Evan is in the back of Edgar’s truck and asks
if he can call Nicole some time. She says okay and Evan is happy.
Edgar
drives off with Evan as Chris and Nicole finally enter their apartment. They
get home, grab some beers (hey, Nicole is underage) and sit on the sofa.
Jillian bursts in and she makes a statement about how there will be zero
tolerance with these two from now on.
That’s
despite all the blood on them.
They
both are okay with her ultimatum and when she leads, they just sit there
dumbfounded.
And
I would say that is the end, but there is a mid-credits scene. It is Edgar
meeting up with Sam from the first movie (who is now a vampire), and they
decide it is time for a showdown.
They
go at each other and the movie ends. Like I said, there is an alternate ending
where it is just the two of them (Sam still a vampire) teaming up as Alan Frog
(also a vampire) are coming for them, but it really doesn’t mean anything.
There
really isn’t anything to talk about as far as the film went, so let’s get to
the cast and crew. PJ Pesce (the director) went on to direct the Smokin’ Aces
sequel two years later and since then has directed just episodes of tv shows.
Tad Hilgenbrick (who played Chris) also did Disaster Movie that same year and
did only a few more films before basically feeling that acting wasn’t for him
in 2010. Angus Sutherland (who played Shane) acted in very little and stopped
acting in 2011. Autumn Reeser (who played Nicole) is still acting, although her
biggest role was an extra in Sully. Gabrielle Rose (who played Jillian) has
mostly just acted in independent movies. Corey Feldmen (who played Edgar Frog)
has been in some b-movies, but also voiced Slash in the 2013-2017 Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon. Shaun Sipos (who played Kyle) was in that
attempted Melrose Place remake show (which bombed) and was also in Texas
Chainsaw 3D. Merwin Mondesir (who played Erik) was in Grave Encounters in 2011.
Kyle Cassie (who played Jon) was in Deadpool as that guy whose place Deadpool
used as a front to confront that pizza guy who was stalking a girl. Greyson
Holt (who played Evan) was one of the stars of a Canadian TV series called
Bitten and was in See No Evil 2. Sadly, we will never see what happened to
Corey Haim’s character in that battle with Edgar Frog as he was busy to be in
the third film and by the time that film came out, Corey Haim died of pneumonia
in 2010.
So
now my thoughts on this film. It was a film that tried so hard to ape the first
movie, but for every time they tried to ape it, it was done terribly. I liked
the opening scene before the opening credits, but after that…this film failed
to be good. From bad acting to bad soundtrack to bad writing, this film really
couldn’t get much right. I mean, it had a good idea on paper with the “Cry
Little Sister” song making more sense with it being about a brother and sister
having to deal with vampires, but upon execution, it doesn’t get the job done.
Now
with that done, I have one more induction to do before I have to deal with
NegaSeth’s gauntlet, I will have a movie and while NegaSeth is busy with his
choices, let me steal his thunder and name the next induction. I’m sorry,
fans….but I have a pallet cleanser before I have to deal with his pain. So
instead of giving fans a poll where I might be lucky or unlucky, I’m giving
myself an awesomely bad film that I will have fun with and since next month is
March, it will make complete sense for me to do….
