Impact Implosion 9/20 - Austin Aries vs. El Texano~!!

Man, I really need to get on these in a better time. I enjoyed this show so I gave it a B with a solid opener and a really good tag match between the Lucha Brothers and the team of Matt Sydal & Rich Swann. We had another fun music video by Joe Hendry and the only negative I can say is the main event was meh. 

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Monster Crap Inductee: Dinosaur Valley Girls (1996)

Monster Crap Inductee: Dinosaur Valley Girls

Jurassic Puke

1996

So, How Was The Book?

You’ve never read the book, have you?

Well, not really since it must be just the plot of the film with more extension on the story.

It’s actually about the making of the film so no, there was no vivid descriptions of the sex scenes so sorry….Porno Pete, not really anything that would interest you.

Phooey…

Now that the whole tease from the last episode is done with, let’s talk about the actual movie. We finally are almost done with this Summer of Porn Part 3. And we return to doing another movie from Donald Glut, who directed the two Mummy’s Kiss movies. Now normally I probably would do a film from a different director than one I had already done this year, but I pissed off Porno Pete enough that he made me do this film especially with the book bit which as you just saw, that really went no where.

So, this film is actually Donald Glut’s first feature length film after doing years of writing for TV series as well as doing music with his band for a while. And he started directing…in his 50s. And why did he do this film? Well, he is a huge fan of dinosaurs (more so that I will not be arguing with him on the dinosaur facts) and this was also to make money of the success of Jurassic Park, which was a huge hit in 1993. An idea that was first thought up 1990 (because even back then…plenty of people in the know, knew Jurassic Park was gonna be a huge fucking hit).

Originally, this was to be a film for the Playboy Channel, but at some point, the filmmakers decided they could do this as a film on their own. So, with that issue, they had to get investors on their own without Playboy’s help. That also meant, they needed to get actors as well…but that part was a little easier due to people they knew (although they had some hiccups with people bowing out). They were able to get three names in parts due to who they knew…like Ed Fury.

A Bodybuilder Who Was In Several Sword & Sandals Films In The 50s & 60s

And William Marshall

Or As Most Of You Would Know Him As…Blacula

And Karen Black

Yes, An Academy Award Nominated Actress Is In This Film. Also, I Expected To Get To Karen Black In A Different Film, But Hey…I Gotta Get To Her In Some Way.

And of course, there are actors from Monster Crap Past like Tony Clay.

He Was The Invisible Man In Attack Of The 60 Foot Centerfold, A College Professor In The Mummy’s Kiss, & Dr. Harold Craig In The Mummy’s Kiss 2

Or Forrest J. Ackerman

Who Again Besides Being Known As The Former Editor Of Famous Monsters Of Filmland, Was Actor Dressed As Dracula In Attack Of The 60 Foot Centerfold

Well, with that said…let’s start the movie.

And we immediately have one flaw as we see an idol.

This Film Was Shot In Full Screen And Never In Wide Screen For The Opening Credits So This Film Will Look Like One Of Those Old CD Games.

William Marshall’s voice speaks a Shakespeare quote even though what they use were spoken in a conversation by Miranda and Prospero from the Tempest. Then we get our opening title screen.

And as the credits play, we get preview clips of the upcoming movie with lizards, dinosaurs, and cavewomen. Eventually, we find out that this is all a dream from our main character, Tony Markham.

You Might Remember Him Being Mentioned In The Mummy’s Kiss 2

He wakes up with his naked girlfriend, Daphne Adrian. Daphne wants to have some sex with him, but Tony doesn’t want to and instead would rather smoke a cigarette while acting like Humphrey Bogart.

Afterwards, Daphne is reading his latest script Feet of Fury 4 while Tony is shaving. She wants Tony to get her a small part in Tony’s film and Tony tries to ignore her but he cuts himself shaving.

He says something, and Daphne thinks the producer she asked Tony to talk to, liked her. Then we got to the pool, where Daphne does a cartwheel on the diving board and dives into the pool. Tony is reading the script when Daphne says she would like to try and be the part of the ambassador’s mistress in the film and is okay with the fact she gets killed in the script. Then we cut to the two of them in the living room watching some game as Daphne would rather watch a movie. Tony tells her to shush and changes the channel to the news.

Tony Clay, When He Was 10 Years Younger Than He Was In The Mummy’s Kiss 2

He immediately hands off to the entertainment analyst Audrey Benedict.

Audrey Benedict talks about Tony Markham’s new movie Feet Of Fury 4. She does like Tony Markham but mentions that people in the know are wondering if the series could be in trouble with rumors of Tony getting winded, requiring plenty of retakes. She hopes that this isn’t true, and Tony is not slowing down and hopes there will be more Fist of Fury movies. Tony did not like this and Daphne was saying that she was hoping to get a bigger part in Number 5. Tony says he needs to clear his mind and Daphne jumps on him, asking if there is anything she can do. Tony says no, and Daphne decides that she will be at the gym and afterwards, get her hair done.

We then go to Tony Markham at a dojo where he trains with his sensei.

The sensei kicks his ass and talks about how the pain being in Tony’s head, which is a little hard to believe when you are getting kicked in the face. Tony Markham does better the second round, producing a lot of kicks, but ultimately stands still as he has visions of a cavegirl again.

While Tony is not paying attention at all, the sensei lands a roundhouse kick to Tony. Tony goes down and the sensei says that was better. Tony then gets a message by his masseuse as the sensei also tells him he needs to quite smoking.

Obviously, Tony Isn’t Listening

The sensei also says the smoking might not be helping with Tony’s dreams. Tony talks about how the dreams are flashing even in his heads while he is awake now. He talks about their being dinosaurs in his dreams and the sensei asks if he is one of those kids who wanted to be a paleontologist when he grew up, as if that is a bad thing.

Who Knows What His Issues Are With Paleontology.

Tony says he didn’t even see Jurassic Park until it was on video. The sensei gives Tony some advice in that we need to seek out our problems instead of running away from them. After the sensei leaves, we find out that Tony has also been sleeping with the masseuse and she also is interested in a small part in his next movie. Tony then leaves after kissing the masseuse as Audrey Benedict is waiting outside, wanting an interview.

Tony says he’ll give her an interview when the wrap party for Feet of Fury 10 happens. Audrey sees that he saw her segment today and says that she really likes Tony. She also wants her next piece to be a positive one on Tony, which is why she is here. Tony then says sure and since he has nothing better to do, he would like to do the interview right now. He also wants to see some dinosaurs and asks if Audrey knows any museums with dinosaur bones nearby. Audrey takes him to a museum and they pass by people, who wonder if he is Charlie Sheen, but realize Charlie might be a bit taller.

Tony Markham feels like he has been here before despite never being at this museum before.  Some fans come by and of course, they would also like small parts in Tony’s next movie.

He Tells Them To Call The Little Parts Department In His Studio.

He then sees the Allosaurus skeleton and feels like he has seen this before.

His description of the Allosaurus having a bolt on its head intrigues the curator Dr. Benjamin Michaels and his assistant Karen Forrester.

After the introductions, they want to show Tony and Audrey a few artifacts from the back like…

An Allosaurus Skull That Has The Bolt On It

Tony feels like he knows that dinosaur and another person says he wouldn’t want to know that dinosaur.

She talks about what the Allosaurus was and Audrey makes a joke about it being a Jurassic Punk (remember that for later). The paleontologist says it was more of a geriatric punk as this dinosaur died of old age. He shows them other artifacts they have that can’t be identified or explained like…

This Slab Drawing Of A Dinosaur (That Maybe Looks Too Perfect)

And This Slab Drawing Of The Cavegirls

Tony thinks the blonde is the cavegirl that he has had dreams of.

Benjamin talks about how this paleontologically makes no sense as they have been carbon dated as less than a million years old (which is long after the dinosaurs and cavewomen happened). Benjamin’s only explanation is that there must have been a place called Dinosaur Valley (which is said in an echo for some reason). As he is explaining more of his opinion, Tony finds the idol from the beginning.

Tony asks what it is, and Benjamin says they have no data on it. Karen says that it is supposed to have mystical powers to grant wishes, probably the usual three. Tony then decides to wish that he could meet the girl of his dreams and the idol transports him to Dinosaur Valley.

He then sees a dinosaur.

In Stop Motion

Tony goes to smoke a cigarette when he hears some caveman come up with something they just killed for meat.

They see Tony and are weirded out by him. In fact, one of them looks like his sensei.

Probably Because It Is The Same Actor

That caveman says he is Beeg-Mak. The other cavemen are Sly-Dor, Wa-Por, Bro-Mo, and Mak-Muff. Beeg-Mak sees the cigarette and takes it, thinking it is food. He then eats it despite Tony trying to say it isn’t food. He eats it and after a minute, spits it out and is angry. Tony tries to act like Bruce Lee and they all look at him like he is an idiot. He says he is a third-degree black belt and doubles for Van Damme (Jeff Rector actually doubled for JCVD in Double Impact). Beeg-Mak actually sees the icon and grabs it.

Tony grabs it back and the cavemen are not happy. Beeg-Mak swings at Tony with a hammer and Tony avoids it, only to fall down the hill.

Complete With Cartoon Sound Effects.

We then see that the cavegirl is there as well.

The cavemen laugh at this, but their laughter ends when roars can be heard. Tony gets up and sees the dinosaur and hopes it is one that eats plants.

It Isn’t.

It’s the Allosaurus that was shown before. Tony wishes a stuntman was here while one of the cavemen finds the idol.

The dinosaur roars and that caveman runs away like a cowardly dog, with scared dog sound effects. While running away, Tony runs into a cavewoman.

Who Turns Out To Be The Woman From His Dreams

Tony realizes it is her and tries to talk, but the cavewoman has a spear pointed at him. Tony says he is a nice guy and he will not hurt her, which of course gets her to lower her spear, despite not understanding what he is saying. She touches his face, but the hungry carnivore shows up. This dinosaur (despite having the brain of a peanut), is able to knock the spear out of the cavewoman’s hand and undo her top.

No, You Didn’t Read That Wrong. This Supposedly Dumb Dinosaur Knows To Take Off A Woman’s Top.

To add even further insult, he smacks her upside the head to knock her out. Tony carries her away as the dinosaur just basically looks on. He gets her behind the rock and wakes her up, so she can tell him how to get away from the dinosaur that knows about tits, I guess. Tony tries to call on his cell phone and realizes in the middle that the phone is not really going to work wherever he is.

The cavewoman shows a shell flute and uses it to convince the dinosaur to go away. After the Allosaurus has left, the cavewoman introduces herself as Hea-Thor and Tony introduces himself to her. She very much likes the clean-shaven chin of Tony and she takes back to her cave as the caveman who has the idol looks on.

The cavemen go back to their cave (with one of the cavemen having the only characteristic being that he farts). Beeg-Mak goes to meet with the elder of their tribe in Ur-So.

Who Pines For A Woman Named Ro-Kell And Is Of Course, Ed Fury. Obviously, He Has Aged Long Past The Days Where He Was A Muscleman.

Beeg-Mak talks some stuff that I really don’t understand for the most part, but I do know he was talking about Tony at some point. Outside the caveman are playing with a skull.

Which One Of Them Calls Yo-Rick

Meanwhile, we see the director’s lizard out for a stroll.

Seriously, The Director Casts His Pet Lizard In This Film.

The caveman with the idol arrives at the cave while at another cave, Hea-Thor shows Tony off to the other cavewomen.

Their names are of Ta-Mee, Bar-Bee, Tor-Ree, Deb-Bee, Brand-Dee, Mee-Shell, and Bu-Fee. One of the cavewomen steals Tony’s phone and basically bangs it around, having no idea what it is. Tony doesn’t really care because it is kind of useless out here in Dinosaur Valley. Oh and as this is all going on, “Wild Thing” by The Troggs plays because…why not?

One of the cavewomen (I believe Ta-Mee) shows Tony her drawings as yes, she is the one who drew those slab drawings from the beginning. She wants to add Tony to the group and Tony is okay with that. Hea-Thor takes Tony away to explains that they used to be with the cavemen, but they were too mean and aggressive so one night, they just ran away. We also finally meet the elder of this female tribe in Ro-Kell, who has a spear pointed at Tony

Hey, She May Have A Misunderstanding With Tony Now, But Thank The Lord A Zuni Fetish Doll Is No Where Near By To Possess Her

Hea-Thor is able to calm things down with Ro-Kell and we get the since that Hea-Thor is explaining to Ro-Kell that she likes Tony a lot. Ro-Kell goes back to her room where we see that she is still pining for Ur-So.

Who Is Better Drawn Here Than What Is In Ur-So’s Dwelling

We then see someone dreaming about beautiful topless cavewomen coming towards them and we eventually see that it is Beeg-Mak.

Beeg-Mak wakes up to cavemen talking loudly and scolds them for waking him up. After an interlude of the director’s pet eating something, we see Tony being served by all the cavewomen who obviously want to get into his pants. Tony says he can get used to this as not one of these ladies wants a little part (or understands its meaning). As that is going on, we see Ro-Kell eating on her own. After some more talk from the ladies that I can’t understand exactly what they are saying but I assume they are flirting, Tony talks about how in one of his movies, the native girls did a sexy dance after dinner. The ladies start playing music and there is dancing as one of the ladies puts a seashell on Tony’s belt, to which he responds that this isn’t Chippendale’s.

Hea-Thor grabs a spear and points it at Tony, making him go to the bedroom. After kissing (which Tony has to explain that act. We then see them talk with Tony’s normal speak have caveman subtitles underneath it. In that moment, Hea-Thor asks if Tony has a girlfriend and Tony says he has a lot, which saddens her. But then Tony says that what he said about having a lot was a joke as he really has no girlfriends and that makes the cavewoman happy. After seeing Ro-Kell for a minute sharpen some dinosaur claws she had lying around, we then see Tony and Heather have sex.

Or Snu Snu…Except Tony Doesn’t Die From This

That night, one of the cavemen look at a stick figure drawing of a cavewoman like they would a Playboy Centerfold while two other cavemen fight over a cavewoman dummy made out of straw.

And To No One’s Surprise, It Is Ripped Into Two

They fight as the caveman who found the idol goes to talk with both Ur-So and Beeg-Mak, who are trying to figure out what the idol does. They of course chase that caveman out.

Back at the cavewomen’s cave, the cavewomen smell smoke and who do you think it is.

It’s Tony Having An After Sex Smoke

Tony apologizes, but really only decides that he should start quitting after he kisses Hea-Thor on the lips and she recoils saying his smoking feels like ash spewing out of a volcano.

The next day, the ladies find Tony using a dinosaur tooth to shave.

Tony talks about how he wishes he could find that idol. He then says since he probably won’t find it, he kisses Hea-Thor as all the other ladies watch (probably in envy). The cavemen sleep that night and we get a several minute music video for a song called Jurassic Punk.

It Nearly Clocks In At 4 Minutes And Is By A Band Fronted By The Director Of This Film (Not Kidding).

The next morning, Tony goes out for a jog and Hea-Thor, not understanding what a jog is, complains that she was worried about him. Tony explains this idea of a morning jog as something guys like him have to do to stay in shape. He says that with him having to fight Allosauruses and cave goons, he will have to be in the best shape of his life, which afterwards he suffers a bit of smoker’s cough. He explains how she is different with the other women he has met as all they want is to get a part in one of his movies…and she doesn’t. He explains that with her, he may not care about getting that icon back, but he does have to use mouth spray for her to kiss him again to get rid of the smoking from last night.

Hea-Thor goes back to stop the ladies from playing with the water that they must use to bathe. Several of the women take Tony to a certain part of the hill where they can have sex with him.

Most Notably Ta-Mee, Bran-Dee And Mee-Shell

After that, Tony tells them he is done as he is in love with Hea-Thor so two of the cavewomen start fighting each other. And they have a catfight with cat sound effects.

Tony stops the fight and admits that no actor is worth fighting over and makes the two cavewomen shake hands.

I Now Pronounce You Friends For Life

Tony also finds some type of oil and says to the cavewomen that in a billion years, people will be fighting over this stuff (except Dinosaur Valley is supposed to be in a timeline less than a million years ago according to Dr. Michaels). A Pteranodon flies in and Tony has the cavewomen run with him away from the bird. They get away and we cut to a different cavewoman punching a dummy as Tony is now teaching the cavewomen to fight.

The cavewomen don’t have much luck with the training. Back at the caveman’s cave, Orso is using a branch as a backscratcher.

It Would Take Years Before We Truly Learned How Great The Back Scratcher Is.

The caveman who found the idol earlier comes in when Beeg-Mak is busy to tell Ur-So about finding the cave where the cavewomen are at. Beeg-Mak comes in pissed that the caveman was bugging Ur-So before the elder reveals that what he has just been told. That night, the cavemen decide to go on a raid. Tony and Hea-Thor decide to go on a private campout where they make love, but during this, the cavemen come in and kidnap all the cavewomen, including Ro-Kell, who they knock out.

After having sex, Hea-Thor realizes that the cave is empty, so they go to investigate. They realize pretty quickly that the cavewomen have been abducted and there is only one other tribe that could do this in the cavemen. Hea-Thor immediately wants to go after them, but Tony says he has played enough heroes to know that when you are outnumbered, you need to plan. So Tony uses the oil they found earlier, as well as cups they have been drinking from, to make small grenades.

Back at the cavemen cave, Beeg-Mak is happy with himself despite the fact that the women are fighting the men.

I Am So Smart

Ur-So is having problems with Ro-Kell, but it’s more because Ur-So is trying to remind Ro-Kell who he is as despite pining for him, Ro-Kell kind of forgot what Ur-So looked like.

Ur-So finally gets Ro-Kell to remember that it was him who she was pining for by I guess pretending to be Madonna.

They start making out so that dilemma has been dealt with, now we have the other cavemen and cavewomen and well…

Cavemen Getting Their Asses Kicked Now

Tony and Hea-Thor arrive for the rescue, but it seems they weren’t needed. Tony gives the women the weapons and the cavemen are surrounded. But thankfully for the men, Ur-So comes out to calm everyone down. He and Ro-Kell are back together and after a few words (none of which I understand), the fight is over, and women start hooking up with the men.

Beeg-Mak is angry about this peaceful get-together because he likes to be man who takes a woman by force type (which years later that when this film was made, we seem to learn plenty of Hollywood men are like Beeg-Mak). Even the fact that a woman is interested in him, does not persuade him from being upset.

I Can Guess That This Was An Ancestor Of Harvey Weinstein (Probably Kevin Spacey Too)

So as everything seems to be calm (mostly as Beeg-Mak is still being a sourpuss), the Allosaurus decides to attack.

Hey, I Just Realized A Horrible Music Video Earlier, Was About Me. I’m Mad Now.

Tony tells the cavepeople not to move because this Allosaurus only attacks things that move. First off, that was the T-Rex who was supposed to attack things that move, not an Allosaurus. Second off, people have proven that whole “only can attack you when you move” myth has been proven to be false. You can stand still there, and they will still eat you.

It doesn’t matter as the men (listening to Beeg-Mak) try to attack the carnivore. It does no good and the cavemen run away rather quickly. Tony tries to shoot an arrow and it misses. He tells the other cavepeople to keep busy as he’ll be back. He grabs the grenades and after doing a poor Dirty Harry impersonation and a bad Rambo impersonation, throws a grenade at the beast.

Again, He Misses

He tries again and misses. He then does a Terminator line and tries for a third time, but he can’t light the fuse this time. The Allosaurus goes face to face with Tony.

I Think This Would Normally Be The Point Where The Allosaurus Eats Him

But instead the Allosaurus just looks at him and then just leaves for some reason. Beeg-Mak now decides it is perfect time to fight Tony.

Being that Tony is unarmed, he just has to keep dodging Beeg-Mak’s attacks. Hea-Thor starts rooting for Tony and everyone else joins her. Even the other cavemen join in as I guess they were not a fan of Beeg-Mak’s reign as well. Only the one woman who was into Beeg-Mak (although he spurned her in his anger) silently roots for Beeg-Mak. When cornered to the wall, Tony grabs the idol that was around Beeg-Mak’s neck and wishes himself back to normal times.

We see that everyone at the museum is still wondering what happened to Tony when he comes back. We also see this new slab drawing.

We only realize that in their world, Tony has only been gone for 5 minutes (while he has been in Dinosaur Valley for several days). Tony says he needs guns, but of course this being a museum, they have none. Audrey wants to do a story about this since the idea of Tony going back in time is one hot story (despite the fact that it would be laughed at by any reputable media outlet), but Tony decides that after getting some matches, he needs to go back. So, he wishes himself back.

Because of Tony’s vanishing into thin air act, Beeg-Mak thinks he has won.

Once Tony comes back, he knocks Beeg-Mak out.

Tony offers Beeg-Mak up (with a hope to end this feud) and Beeg-Mak finally accepts. Everyone is happy and Beeg-Mak is past his anger to accept the feelings of that cavewoman who was pining over him.

Back in our world, Audrey reports on the absence of Tony Markham and the news that because of this, the studio signed a new star for Fist of Fury IV.

Yep…Daphne Adrian Got The Big Part That Eventually Comes With Enough Little Parts In Films

Audrey says that secret sources have told her that Tony may have given up playing hero on the screen and we see Tony now as leader of the cave people in Dinosaur Valley.

Hea-Thor making a final joke about getting a little part (even though she may not really understand what that means). As Tony leaves with Hea-Thor, we hear narration of that Shakespeare’s The Tempest line again and we end with a shot of the Allosaurus.

Yeah…I Know It Is From Two Different Characters, But Who Cares.

And the credits play with a song from that same band that the director fronts called Dinosaur Valley Girls.

As far as aftermath goes, not much happened with anyone really as with plenty of cast members, this was their one and only film they acted in. The only one I can say is Griffin Drew and that was because she had a decent career in softcore porn and she was briefly married to Bobby Johnston (who was in a small role in FemAlien). But sadly, we do have some people who are no longer with us. I already mentioned in a previous induction that Forrest J. Ackerman (who was a cameo for this film thanks to his career an assistant for Forrest J. Ackerman for years) died at 92 years old from heart failure in 2008. Bill Warren (who was also in a cameo role for this film) died at 73 years old from a long illness in 2016. Academy Award nominated actress Karen Black (who was Ro-Kell) passed away at the age of 74 from ampullary cancer in 2013. This would also be the final film of Blacula himself, William Marshall as he would retire from acting afterwards, suffer from Alzheimer’s Disease, and pass away due to those complications at the age of 78 in 2003.

Final thoughts on this movie and while I definitely can say this isn’t the worst of these adult entertainment inductions that I have done, I can’t really recommend this for anyone. Fans of a good story will not get any here as there are so many better films than this one. Fans of porn will also not like this either as there really is no porn to speak of. What you get is a film with not good acting (made even worse when most of our characters are speaking caveman gibberish), some cheap effects, and stupid cartoon sound effects. Honestly, it is a completely forgettable film as fans of anything can get a better film in Dinosaur Island, which was released 2 years before this and actually has more of the porn that those fans are looking for as well as having Griffin Drew in a bigger role as well. I know this probably was a passion project for the director (as you would know if you read the Dinosaur Valley Girls book) so I really don’t want to be too hard on the guy as unlike the Will Smith passion project After Earth (which was done to showcase his son), I seriously think Donald Glut wanted to direct a movie about dinosaurs since from what I do know, he is a bigger fan of dinosaurs than even I am (which is not to say I don’t love dinosaurs as I do). Just an example of if you are going to do a first film, please don’t let it be your passion project because you will not be able to make your passion project to your best abilities until you get a few films under your belt so you can know certain things.

So now that I am finally done with this summer, the next time I see Porno Pete will be sooner than I would like. Now I can go back to...

I'm back

Oh dear god...after dealing with this summer, I completely forgot that you still exist to plague me every day. 

Well, obviously I had a better summer than you (PS: I really enjoyed seeing you watch Flesh Gordon and the Cosmic Cheerleaders). But don't worry....based on how the Fantasy Football Bet is going after Week 2, you can spend it dealing with my stuff to remember what true torture is. 

Thankfully, we have several months to go before you can really declare your victory. So I guess I have to deal with you again. 

Yes, you do. But as you know, you have a fan vote this month and you already booked the November 2018 induction thanks to a very generous donation from some guy named Gus. You'll know my real presence this December as I have a fun Christmas present for you that you can open after you get done with that November induction. But since this is a fan vote, I hope they choose something good. 

What you consider a good choice and what I consider a good choice are completely different. 

I know...your suffering makes it so much fun. So let's see what you have to induct...

*NegaSeth sees the winner*

Really...well, you got lucky with this one, Seth