Monster Crap Inductee: Gamera vs. Guiron (1969)

Monster Crap Inductee: Gamera vs. Guiron (1969)
Traffic Accidents Are The Second Worst Things Behind War

1969

So it has come to this with Gamera.

It is now time to talk about the Gamera film of the Show Era that most people know about. It isn’t Gyaos, the only Show era Gamera monster that returned in the Heisei Gamera films. It isn’t Zigra, who was a shark and as an uncle, I can say that unless they had a traumatic event with them, kids love sharks. It isn’t Viras, the squid alien or Barugon, the lizard that can shoot rainbows. Instead, it is the lizard who has a head shaped like a knife.

Last time we left the turtle full of turtle meat and friend to all children, we had a movie where a good chunk of it was stock footage to even the point where a black and white movie’s attack on Tokyo was used to pretend it was happening now (mind you that everything else was in color). It was bad and lazy from Daie to try and save a few bucks away from making a movie and the movie I would say is quite bad. In fact, I could say it was the worst of the Gamera films except for one film that I never want to do.

(I’ll do it eventually before you complain)

But let’s talk about this film. This is the first Gamera film without Kojiro Hongo as he was done with the series…except in a brief cameo for Gamera: Guardian of the Universe. This would also be the first that a monster (other than Gamera) would return in these films (although a bit different as you will see). And this would also have less stock footage than the last one (don’t worry…they’ll find other ways to be cheap).

Other than that, let’s get to inducting this film.

And we begin this film with what appears to be a presentation from a planetarium

Or A Presentation From A High School

Oh and this star is in trouble…

I was going to go on a whole spiel on how that would be a planet and not a star, but I will save that for later as it is more of a planet later.

And Then We Immediately Get The Title.

Then we get photos of space observatories as we get the message that we might be getting messages from space.

So we got to a space observatory that is not a picture and we meet Dr. Shiga

He basically tells us that while unlike the space audio waves in Englund, these ones come from inside the solar system. However, it is hard to say what they are from as the Moon has no air or water, Mars has no rivers, its really fucking hot in Venus, and the surface of Jupiter is covered with frozen ammonia (which is false as Jupiter has no surface whatsoever, but ammonia does make up one of the gasses in the atmosphere). He says the same with Saturn (again, Saturn has no surface). So, when asked what the waves mean, it means that it doesn’t freaking matter because we could not get there to respond to them. The idea of meeting with extraterrestrial life still only a dream.

We immediately go to the room of Akio, who is there with sister Tomoko and friend Tom.

Akio is outside on the telescope and sees a spaceship coming to Earth.

Tomoko wants to see, but Akio and Tom are greedy with the telescope. Since the spaceship landed, they all decide they want to go out, but Akio and Tomiko’s mom Kuniko say they can’t go out and that they must have merely imagined the spaceship. They try to say they didn’t, but she isn’t having it as they can’t stay up late. And even though they flat out point out that the papers say the waves are from outer space…she isn’t listening and threatens to take away their telescope if they continue with this nonsense. This mom character has the bad characteristic of saying she doesn’t believe them and then when they reasonably debate with actual points of logic, she then threatens them to shut up. This mom would never make the debate team. 

Oh, and you may remember the goofy ass English version of Akio having a saying that this place maybe without war or traffic accidents, as if traffic accidents are the second worst thing, only behind war. Well, that wasn’t just the English version…that part was also in the Japanese version as well. Weird…so, the kids just go to bed and promise themselves to investigate tomorrow.

The next day, they ride their bikes and run into Officer Kondo.

They decide to mess with him, but they get quickly caught. He then tells Akio and Tomoko that they both can’t ride on a single bike.

You Don’t Need To Tell Me…There Is A Weird PSA Short That Talks About Bike Safety And One Of Them Was The Issues Of Having Two People On One Bike (Spoiler: Most Of The Kids In Monkey Masks Died Because They Didn’t Follow The Rules)

He then threatens if they are naughty again, he will shave their heads (that idea will come back later). He then makes them walk with the bikes. They go to the woods and see rustling in the bushes. They first think it is aliens, but it is a rabbit.

Tomoko goes after the bunny while Akio and Tom ditch her to find the spaceship.

Hey Now, Those Rabbits Can Be Very Vicious. Just Ask The Knights From Monty Python, The Victims From Night Of The Lepus, And Former President Jimmy Carter

Despite the boys looking for the spaceship and Tomoko looking for a rabbit, Tomoko is the one who finds the spaceship.

Maybe That Was The Rabbit From Wonderland And He Was Late For An Important Date

Akio and Tom (like idiots) decide to go in the spaceship while Tomoko stays outside because she is afraid of aliens (and smart too as to not go into a strange domicile). Akio and Tom see no aliens, so they decide to fuck around with the buttons and wouldn’t you know it, the door closes in on them and the spaceship flies away with them on it.

Serve ‘Em Right

So, they haplessly head to outer space and run into Gamera, who saves them from some meteors.

Oh Boy, The Space Set Looks Extremely Cheap And Gamera Flying Around In It As If He Was On String.

The kids are not scared now and decide to fly with Gamera, not knowing that Gamera is trying to get them back to Earth. And yes, they play the Gamera theme, which has new verses from the last one…but the same chorus. Unfortunately, the ship speeds up and Gamera loses them.

Dammit

Tomoko tries to warn her mom Kuniko about the two boys being taken on a flying saucer, but same thing happens as last time. She tells her that Akio is up to something and even says she doesn’t believe in spacemen or spaceships, then Tomoko tells her mom that a lot of people have seen them according to the papers (which the mom says we all made up stories), and tells her to just stop and study or she will never get into a good school. 

Yeah, She Is A Really Bad Mom

We then see that the spaceship has crashed on an alien planet.

Or A Toy UFO Crashed Into A Diorama.

Yeah. we never see the crash as that would cost money for a crash so instead we have to see it there and the kids waking up from being knocked out because of the crash.

Awkward Touching As Well

And since the hatch is open without them dying, they can go outside.

Told You This Was Extremely Cheap

They then say there are stars like Earth so we must be on one of those. Hold on, Earth is not a star. Earth is a planet. The Sun is a star. So they think they discovered a new star (let’s just move on despite how wrong that is) and Tom thinks they are the first ones on this place…despite the strange buildings here that would say otherwise. Akio then reveals that they were brought here by remote so someone else must be here. A laser goes off so they duck and hide to see what it is.

Hey, It’s Gyaos With A Paint Job

The kids in fact reveal that it must be a Space Gyaos. Yes, years before we got a Space Godzilla, we got a Space Gyaos. And if you though Space Godzilla was unoriginal, here is Space Gyaos as he is just Gyaos with a silver paintjob. Space Gyaos starts destroying things when suddenly…rivers start flowing backwards.

AKA Someone Wanted To Use The Rewind Button

The water goes away and a hatch on the ground opens. From out of that hatch comes a lizard with a knifehead.

Yep…Let’s Just Say This Monster Looks Ridiculous

The knifeheaded lizard and Space Gyaos fight each other with the lizard getting the duke by first deflecting Space Gyaos’ beat to cut off its own leg.

Space Gyaos tries to fly at him, but the lizard de-wings him.  

Now there is a huge difference in the versions of the film, in the American version called Attack of the Monsters, the next scene is cut completely out so the de-winging is the end of Space Gyaos. However, in the real version and also the MST3K version, this next scene is there. It is the scene of the lizard cutting of the other wing and then standing over the prone Space Gyaos before killing it by decapitation.

DECAPITATION!!!!

The lizard then is about to go back to its hole, but it spots the two kids. The kids use what is a teleporter, but it teleports them right in front of the lizard. They then realize this mistake and get teleported away. The lizard then just shrugs it off and goes back into its hole. Then the land and rivers go back to being normal.

They then see a door to a building and enter. They then find a pad that moves them through the hallways.

Let’s Boogie Down The Halls

A camera appears as unbeknownst to the kids, they are being watched by aliens that have their faces darkened so you can only see their eyes.

Yep…The Same Effect Done For The Aliens From Viras Despite Them Not Being The Same Aliens.

The kids go to a new room that they believe is the control center. Suddenly, the aliens appear. At first they ignore the kids despite the kids trying to communicate with them, but then the aliens but something around their neck and they are able to speak with the kids. They introduce themselves as Barbella and Florbella.

Oh And To Florbella, Hi Sumiko From Gamera Vs. Gyaos.

They also explain that this is Tera and it orbits on the same orbit ring as Earth, but on the exact opposite. First of all, since this thing is in orbit, it is a planet, not a star. Secondly, based on the whole path of the flying saucer, they did not go to the opposite side of Earth’s orbit path or they would have run into the sun.

But all that space nonsense can take a rest as a second Space Gyaos has appeared. They then press some buttons to summon the knifeheaded lizard that they call Guiron. They also reveal that they control the laws of nature here too. Again, Akio talks about a superior civilization without war and traffic accidents. Space Gyaos flies away and Guiron goes back to its hole. When Akio asks why there are monsters in such a superior planet, Florbella reveals that they were an advanced civilization, but a mix-up in the computer caused mass destruction which caused the monsters to be created. They have sent messages for help but have gotten no response. The kids talk about that being the waves Dr. Shiga received. So, a big group got into a big spaceship in hopes for help, but they sadly met a tragic end, so they are the only two of their people left on this entire planet. They found a small ship and called it back hoping to get off the planet themselves as it is dying. That is of course the same ship that brought the kids to them. The kids then invite the aliens to go on the spaceship back to Earth, which the aliens accept.

The two aliens leave the kids as they check on the spaceship. But first they learn of Gamera being the friend to all children. Oh and of course, Gamera is coming for the kids. But they leave the kids in the lobby before revealing to each other that the spaceship can only fit two so the kids must become food for them.

Dr. Lecter Likes Your Thinking

They decide to see if the kids are poisonous by going into Akio’s head by having him frozen in stance.

Barbella tries to interview Akio about their favorite food, which Akio answers to be powdered donuts and milk. Tom keeps becoming an annoyance trying to snap Akio out of his trance so she freezes him too.

Barbella continues the interview and we get lots of stock footage from past Gamera films. Well except for Gamera vs. Barugon because Gamera was not saving kids in that one. In fact, there weren’t any kids in that film. With that knowledge Barbella decides to unfreeze the kids and tells Florbella (who just came back from fixing the ship) to use the cards she printed out and use them to make donuts and milk. Oh, and she must put sleeping powder in them. Barbella then says once they are sleeping, they will eat their brains raw.

Yeah…Dr. Lecter Thinks You Should Cook Your Brains, Not Eat Them Raw

Of course, they want to eat those brains to gain the knowledge from those kids. First, that’s not how you gain knowledge. Second, the knowledge from these kids is not the best you can get on our Earth. Anyway, they will adapt to the new environment and say that is how bacteria in their world evolves to higher species. Yeah, this is a planet where cannibalism is king.

Back on Earth, Tom’s mom Elza comes to pick him up. However, Kuniko says they must be still out there causing problems and Tomoko isn’t much help in finding them. Elza leaves and Tomoko tells Elza the real truth and also gets Officer Kondo involved, but after showing her where the spacecraft was at, Elza tells her that the Americans just came out and said that whole saucers was just a figment of someone’s imagination. Look, I am American, and I can tell one thing we are great at (besides our military), it is keeping classified shit classified. Hell, while this movie was being made, we were still doing the Tuskegee Experiment and Project MKUltra (among other shit) and we were still doing them both in secret. Even if the Americans saw flying saucers, we wouldn’t say we did. Oh, and when the Apollo astronauts saying that Earth is the only oasis in space (something I don’t think was ever said by them), it would always be with an asterisk and that asterisk would be “That We Know Of”. Anyone in the space business not associated with any religious group would tell you they don’t know for sure about our planet being the only one with life.

Officer Kondo believes her as Tomoko has never lied. That creates a huge problem as if Tomoko does lie, that makes Kondo look like a fucking idiot or in this case, since she is telling the truth (and these dumbass parents are going to find that out the hard way), they are complete morons for doubting their daughter even though she has NEVER lied. Parents, if your kid has not lied by the age of this kid not even once (which will be almost impossible), they aren’t lying now. Anyway, Kondo tells Tomoko to go to the observatory. Tomoko then prays to god for the boys return from the aliens.

Also and I can’t say this enough, we have already dealt with aliens in this universe with Viras. And don’t give me that it was covered up, the boys know that happened. Finally, we are in a movie universe where Gamera exists. These parents are stupid.

Stupid! You’re So Stupid!

So back in space, the boys just lay around, hungry and thirsty and luckily for them, Florbella comes to them with some donuts and milk.

And of course, the kids just scarf them down and drink the milk, so they fall asleep.  So they put Akio in some container with only his head popping out and they shave his head.

Kondo’s Warning Comes Back To Bite Akio In The Ass

While making this film, the actor who played Akio was bald already in this film and that hair you saw him with was just a wig so the whole hair sticking together during the shave instead of falling to the floor makes sense in that they were not really shaving him but removing a wig.

So, the aliens are about to cut Akio open, so his brains appear, which would be like scene from Hannibal. However, Gamera has arrived.

It Sure Took His Sweet Ass Time

The aliens plan to get rid of Gamera. First they try to fire a missile at him.

Unsurprisingly, It Doesn’t Work

So the aliens then decide to send Guiron out and we finally get the title of our movie as these monsters fight.

Guiron is able to cut through Gamera’s shell after a few chops, but Gamera grabs Guiron’s leg with one of his arms and bites it. Guiron then swings Gamera around as his fist is still in Gamera’s mouth.

Ring Around The Rosey

Not That Rosey!!!!

Gamera’s tail grabs a rock so he actually sends Guiron flying instead and starts using his fire breath on the lizard. Guiron then produces ninja stars out of his head.

He then mentally shoots them out of his head and they hit Gamera in the face.

As Gamera ices up his face.

Seriously.

Guiron tries with the stars again, but Gamera blocks them with a rock formation he found.

One of the deflections hits Guiron.

Ouch…Hurt By Your Own Weapon

As Gamera is still somewhat hurt by the ninja stars to the face, he goes into the water to heal up. Yep…Gamera is out of the fight for a bit like in all of these films, he loses the first round.

The aliens think Gamera is dead and are happy. Tom wakes up from his nap and tries to wake up Akio with no luck. He then tries to find the aliens, but he just so happens to overhear them talking about eating the kids. Tom goes back and finally wakes up Akio, who now realizes he has a bald head. Tom then tells Akio that those supposedly nice lady aliens are cannibals and were planning on eating them. Tom gives Akio his hat as he keeps complaining about head. They get out of the building, but immediately run into the aliens as they are fixing the ship. Now that the jig is up on the aliens’ ruse of being nice, the aliens try to catch them, but the kids teleport them and break the switch. Problem is as they are breaking the switch, the aliens made a round trip back to the right teleporter and capture them easily. So now the boys are trapped in a cage.

The ladies then leave to repair the ship. Back on Earth, the parents are worried about the boys being gone when cars come up and scientists come out wanting to hear about the aliens. Yeah, turns out Kondo told the people at the observatory about the situation and unlike our dumbass moms here, fucking listened because they knew about the shit.

The Moment Kuniko And Elza Realized They Are Bad Parents And If Something Bad Happens To Their Kids, It May Be On Them.

Back at the alien planet, the boys figure out that if they hit the switch with Tom’s Nerf dart gun (he used it earlier to mess with Kondo), they may be able to escape. He misses with the first and misses with the second, but that button ricochets to another button, which is the button to free Guiron.

Oops…

They then close the door behind Guiron so that Guiron has no hole to go back to, making him a wild Guiron.

Now Someone Can Catch It With A Pokeball

The aliens have fixed the ship, but realize Guiron is loose, so they decide to say “fuck the kids as food idea and let’s get out of here”. They fly off, but don’t get very far before Guiron cuts the ship in half.

The ship crashes and Flobella decides to try and get away still. Barbella can’t move after the damage and when she asks for help, Flobella kills her as she is now useless and their species kills the useless.

The kids realize that Guiron is coming for the control building and the kids call out for help. As the building around them crumbles, Gamera finally hears their calls, but does nothing. The building crumbles around them but remember this is a kids’ film so the kids will not die. Guiron then starts cutting the ground for some reason (I guess to make a new hold he can hide in) and that finally wakes up sleepy Gamera for the fight.

And See, I Told You The Kids Would Be Just Fine.

As Guiron goes for a front stab, Gamera uses his jets to jump on to of Guiron.

Guiron pushes Gamera off him and we get the most infamous part of the movie, Gamera doing gymnastics.

I Got Nothing To Say Other Than To Ape MST3K When They Riffed This Movie To Say, “You Know, Guys….It Just Dawned On Me How Weird This Film Is”.

Guiron brings out his ninja stars and chucks them at Gamera’s arms and one of his leg.

Gamera’s Response Is To Do The Go-Go In Pain

Hey As Long As It Isnt Monster A-Go-Go, I Wont Be In Pain

Gamera then jumps into the water as he tries to remove the stars. Guiron goes after the kids in the building, but they are eventually able to open the trap door, which pushes Guiron back in its hole, which buys Gamera some time to get the stars off him.

Meanwhile, Florbella gets to a new part of the base and sets up a missile to kill Gamere. It is at this point, Guiron is not content on being in a hole anymore and he breaks out of the hatch. The kids see a missile has come out while Guiron goes to confront Gamera underwater.

Yeah, This Looks Silly

Guiron flips Gamera over and tries to kill him, but misses and Gamera grabs him out of the water instead as they fly into the sky.

Oh Come On, Gamera…This Is No Time To Be Giving Guiron A Blowjob

Gamera drops Guiron so his knife head is stuck to the ground.

The kids shoot the missiles and one of them Gamera catchers while the other one hits the base Florbella was on, killing her.

Guiron then tries to shoot the ninja stars like the last time he was stuck, but Gamera blocks them. Gamera then puts the missle he has into the hole where the ninja stars are, and they blow up Guiron.

I'm About To Have A Massive Headache

Um Guys…I Don’t Think Guiron Should Be Having A Full Head After That.

So Guiron and the aliens are dead, so they celebrate.

TOUCHDOWN!!!!

Gamera calls for the kids as he fuses the two broken parts of the flying saucer back together.

The kids get inside the newly fixed spaceship and Gamera takes the flying saucer back to Earth, as the Gamera theme plays.

Meanwhile back on Earth, Tomoko goes back to where the spacecraft originally was as she can see them returning from the telescope. Kondo also calls the scientist to tell them that Gamera is coming back with the UFO. Dr. Shiga doesn’t believe him at first, but his own scientists tell him the news, so he goes with them to the landing place. And yes, some of the press is still unbelieving of this.

You Really Are Out To Make All Adults Dumb, Aren’t You, Movie?

Scientists come in to confirm the news and here comes Gamera with the spaceship.

Hey Guys, Look At The Chew Toy I Found

The kids are all reunited, and everyone is happy, with Kondo even making a joke about Akio’s newly shaved head. Akio ends this movie by hoping for a better place where we can have no war or traffic accidents.

His Deal With Traffic Accidents Is Never Explained

Actually, the movie ends with everyone thanking Gamera as Gamera flying off with his theme playing.

Yep, Kids…Just Reminding Everyone This Is My Movie.

Not much to mention with how well the film did in Japan. And most of the actors here either didn’t do much afterwards, did nothing (like the actor for Tom), or if they did, I might get that mentioned in a future induction.

Or In The Case Of Reiko Kasahara (Who Played Florbella), Would Be Kiyoki, The Possessed Human By Zigra Who Had To Get Her Senses Knocked Into Her In Gamera Vs. Zigra.

The director of this film, Noriaki Yuusa, died of a stroke in 2004. Eiji Funakoshi (who played Dr. Shiga) would also die of a stroke in 2007.

As far as my opinions go, the film is laughably bad, which is better than I can say about Gamera vs. Viras. While the stock footage was kept to a minimum, the sets were lazy, and they needed to bring back Gyaos with a different color for some reason. The acting is pretty bad and the writing makes the adult parents just completely unlikable for being some unbelieving even though in this world, aliens have already invaded Earth (not exactly something even our government can hide with Gamera existing). But there is so much to laugh at like Gamera’s moves in this film, or just the look of Guiron. So we have two more Gamera films left (one I like and one I really am not looking forward to) and we will probably get to those eventually.

Now for the next induction.

Well, After Two Weeks Of Films That You Were Okay Inducting, The Last Induction Before Porno Pete Takes Over Needed Something For You To Not Like And I Was Willing To Take Even A Film You Don’t Care For And Luckily For Me, I Got Just That. We’re Going Back To Charles Band As You Deal With…