Monster Crap
Inductee: Gamera vs. Viras
Turtle Meat vs. Calamari…Whose Hungry?
1968
We
once again continue on with the Showa Era of Gamera and I once again have to
say this. This series got better in the Hensei Era. In fact, ever since Daiei
went bankrupt and a foolish Godzilla’s Revenge version of Gamera in 1980, there
hasn’t been a bad Gamera movie. We had three Hensei Gamera movies and then
Gamera the Brave actually made Gamera as “friend to all children” make all the
sense in the world. So think of all these Showa Era Gamera movies as a
completely misguided attempt to rip off Godzilla, but be more kid-friendly
about it.
Now
we can get into what is essentially the 4th of 7 Showa Era Gamera
movies and we did the last one first. Essentially Gamera vs. Viras is the
midway point. There really isn’t much info on the making of these Gamera films
other than when this was distributed to America, they called it Destroy All
Planets…probably in an attempt to get suckers who believed they were watching
the Toho ultimate monster battle that was Destroy All Monsters. Also several
past people from Gamera films are in this since in Japan at the time, you were
more contracted to a studio than to a single film……which I believe went on in
the United States at the same time as well. But unlike the previous Gamera
films we have inducted, this one was surprisingly not done by Mystery Science
Theater 3000. So let’s get ready to have no help from Joel and the bots as we
induct Gamera vs. Viras.
We
begin in space with the introduction of a UFO that looks like a bunch of bees
huddled together to make it.
We’re
So Gonna Sting You At Some Point.
We
then go inside the bee saucer and a voice tells the crew of this space craft that
they have found the planet Earth. Basically they are going to invade it because
it is similar to our planet. They basically want to colonize our planet with
their species. Unfortunately for them, Gamera is here to protect us.
They
try to attack Gamera, but their lasers do nothing to Gamera. But they have a
plan and that is to extinguish Gamera’s jets.
This
plan kind of works as Gamera lost two of his jets backs off. Unfortunately,
Gamera just needs two jets for his legs and he goes back to attack the saucer.
Gamera gets on top of the saucer and messes it up with his head.
Here’s
Gammy!
And
then Gamera decides to shoot flames into the ship.
How
About A Little Fire, Aliens!
The
saucer goes to emergency plans and jettisons the compartment that Gamera has
messed up.
Mom,
Gamera Got His Head Stuck In A Beehive Again.
Gamera
leaves the compartment and still chases the spacecraft as that compartment
blows up.
Apparently,
That Was The Compartment Where They Stored Their Fireworks. Now How Will They
Celebrate If They Conquer Earth?
The
aliens decide to run away and go back to their star called Viras. Yep…that same
idea of the monster from a planet with the same name was also used in Gamera
vs. Zigra. But as they leave, they say to dispatch another spaceship as of
course they are going to try again, this movie isn’t going to be that freaking
short. Unfortunately this ship blows up as we get the opening title sequence as
they also want to say what the monster that just beat them is called.
And
then we here the Gamera theme. Actually, this was actually the first film where
Gamera had that theme song we all know well. Many sites may say Gamera vs.
Guiron (which is the next entry), but it is actually in this film first. They
also gave special thanks in the credits to the Boy Scouts of Japan for
permission to use their group as our main characters in this film will be
revealed to be Boy Scouts and their Scoutmaster.
We
then go to Earth at an obvious beach in Japan as a car comes up to a camp which
is where the Boy Scouts of Japan are camped out in. The car door opens and out
comes Scout Master Mr. Shimida
Hey,
It’s The Lead Actor From The Last Two Gamera Films.
This
would actually be Kojiro Hongo’s last appearance in a Gamera film so savor his
acting for now because he will be gone after this film. Anyway, he is in the
car with a scientist named Dr. Dobie (seriously, that is his name) and the two
agree that since the scouts did a great job building the camp, they are allowed
to visit the scientist’s lab for free. They have the kids for roll call and
while they are doing this, we have our two lead annoying kids in Masao and Jim.
This
Would Also Be The First Film That Had Americans Be Part Of The Main Cast. And
Also The American Kid Speaks Japanese.
These
two kids are troublemakers who snuck into the lab and see a small submersible
being checked out.
After
the workers leave, these two kids have the bright idea of checking the
submersible out for themselves. I’m so going to enjoy following these two
nitwits around through a majority of this movie (that was sarcasm, just so you
know). The kids decide to be pranksters and mess with the wires where they will
make the machine go backwards when it is supposed to go forwards and forwards
when it is supposed to go backwards.
Back
at the beach, Shimada says those two kids are always getting themselves into
trouble. One of the women working with the Boy Scouts is Masao’s sister and she
has a special compass that can pinpoint where her dumbass of a brother is.
The
compass also works as a walkee talkee so the sister calls up Masao to wonder
what the hell he is doing. Shimada tells the two kids through the device that
since they are late for roll call, he is cutting their dinner rations by half.
As they try to run back, the wind blows Masao’s hat away and it is stuck on top
of a pole.
I’m
The Scout Now!!!
Jim
is able to use a lasso and rope the hat back to Masao. So they run back to the
beach and Shimada announces that they are going to the lab today courtesy of
Dr. Dobie and the kids will be allowed to ride in the submarine…you know, the
submersible that those two shit weasels fucked around with.
We
May Have Made A Big Mistake
Dr.
Dobie explains that the submarine is so easy to control that a child is able to
do it, but for a demonstration, Dobie and Shimada will go first. The two kids
talk about this being bad, but are too stupid to warn anyone of the impending
danger that is coming from their tampering.
Can
You Seriously Find Two Other Kids To Be Our Leads? I Would Rather Prefer Them
To These Two Miscreants.
So
the doctor and the scout master go for a drive in the underwater vehicle and
what do you know, they are having trouble with the controls and don’t know what
is going on. Unfortunately for them, they crash. Of course somehow they are
pulled up and are none too happy. And our assholes just laugh.
Hahahahaha…It’s
Funny Because We Almost Got Them Killed.
Unfortunately,
this hiccup has caused the postponement for the kids to ride the submarine.
Masao decides to be a prick and say that Dr. Dobie just can’t operate it well
and they bet that they can. Masao’s sister says that Masao is good at tinkering
with machines and he can obviously fix it as he is basically the one who made
that little compass phone she has. So Dr. Dobie allows the two into the
submarine and sends them into the sea.
Hopefully,
They Won’t Make It Back
So
the two make the submarine work as they were the dipshits who know how their
tricks works. They reveal that they will be underwater for 10 minutes. Dr.
Dobie says that it is a miracle they got the machine working. And at this very
moment, the new spacecraft comes back to Earth.
We’re
Back!!! But This Time, Not For A Dinosaur Story
The
aliens from Viras plan this time is to eliminate Gamera first and then conquer
Earth so they need to find him. And of course Gamera is swimming around at the
exact spot the kids are at.
Jim
is apprehensive at first, but Masao says that Gamera is friend to all children
and will even allow Jim to take a picture of him, which Jim does. He actually
takes several pictures with the two kids speeding up so he can take pictures of
Gamera from the front and slowing down so he can take pictures from Gamera’s
side. The Scout Master through the compass says if they are making up this
whole Gamera thing, they will get no dinner, which Masao says is not a ruse.
Then the kids decide that they want to drive under Gamera and why is this
important, well…they get caught in the trap beam set forth by the aliens of
Viras.
This
is a problem for the kids who may die due to a lack of oxygen (eventually),
they also can’t call anyone for help as the bubble they are in now disrupts all
means of communication. Gamera tries to get out, but the edge of the trap is
electrified so he is trapped, but he does have enough power to lift it up for a
bit so the kids can get out.
Gee,
Thanks Gamera (Sarcasm).
Since
the aliens then reveal that the beam will only hold him for another 15 minutes,
so they try to use that time to explore Gamera’s past and if you are wondering
why they are doing that, it is an excuse for the filmmakers to use old Gamera
stock footage. This is something they would do for every Gamera film in the
Showa Era hereafter. Now you might be wondering how long we have to watch this
old footage. It goes on for 10 minutes in an 81 minute movie. Jeez…you could
see that years later, Daiei would have to file for bankruptcy. Oh it gets even
better, because of all that time, the trap wore off.
The
kids are now back on land and actually have to convince Shimada that Gamera
saved them and that’s why they took so long. Oh and the pictures they
supposedly had, got screwed up by the darkness as the camera didn’t have a damn
flash. It seems they are in for no dinner when the alien spacecraft shows up.
We,
The Delegation Of Viras, Can Confirm These Kids’ Story.
While
everyone is wondering what it is (it’s a UFO, idiots), Gamera also comes out of
the sea.
I,
The Friend To All Children Known As Gamera, Can Also Confirm These Kids’ Story
They
all waitch as Gamera and the spacecraft from Viras fight. And the kids decide
to say hi to Gamera, but their actions get them trapped in another laser trap.
Can
You See At This Point That Other Than The Girl Who Wants A Damn Coke, I Would
Find These The Most Annoying Kids In All The Gamera Films.
And
of course, this causes the aliens to have hostages. Hostages that they take on
the damn ship and tell Gamera that if he attacks the spaceship, they will kill
the kids. So Gamera backs away and the evil aliens say that Gamera must obey
their orders. Meanwhile, Shimada says to Masao’s sister that he will find a way
to rescue the two boys.
The
two kids wake up inside the spaceship and see another human.
For
Some Reason…..The Lighting Really Focuses On Their Eyes.
The
two kids think this is a captive like them and try to reason that they can
escape together. But the guy says nothing and just leaves. They see that in the
tunnels the human can go M. Bison and try themselves.
I
Would Reason To Believe That Guy Is One Of The Aliens And Not An Earthling Like
You.
But
of course the kids think it doesn’t work for kids.
Really?
The
way they came is no longer there and they just think it is an automatic door.
Then the guy they saw is with other guys and they are planning the attack on
Gamera. The bad guys then shoot a little bee object in the back of Gamera’s
neck which is a mind control device.
Now
the bad guys are able to control Gamera and they order Gamera to fly with them,
which the turtle does.
The
kids meanwhile decide that they so need to sabotage this brain controlling
scheme. They run past the aliens, but only after they are gone that the aliens
realize that the kids heard their plan and snuck by them. The kids are thirsty
and really think they need juice, which a machine in the next room gives them.
And
if you are thinking the juice is drugged in any way, it isn’t. They then ask
for sandwiches and get sandwiches.
The
Sandwiches Also Aren’t Drugged.
Masao
theorizes that the ship works on telepathy. Jim wants a parachute to get out of
here and Masao wants weapons to fight the aliens, but unfortunately that
machine sounds an alarm. They are then confronted by the aliens who still look
like humans.
Although
This Time They Made Their Eyes Really Different
The
aliens then reveal that the telepathy machine has a safety device so shit like
getting weapons to kill them or a parachute to escape won’t work. The aliens
then say that the kids are very valuable in their control of Gamera and since
they really aren’t that much of a threat, they have freedom to roam around the
ship as long as they don’t try to harm them or escape. The kids then try to ask
if they are Japanese or aliens, the men just walk away without answering the
question.
Yeah,
That Question Isn’t Really Worth An Answer If These Kids Haven’t Figured It Out
By Now
The
kids then realize that they are aliens that look Japanese.
You
Don’t Say…
They
ask for an apple from the machine thinking they will get a knife to peel it,
but the machine easily sees through that.
Nice
Try, But I Wasn’t Born Yesterday
The
kids hide as one of the aliens gets something out of the machine and they
follow him. The object is laid on the floor and flies up to somewhere unknown.
The kids enter the room and wonder why they would put whatever they got in here
if nothing is in here, then they see what is in here.
After
seeing this beast, they think it is a prisoner of the aliens so they decide to
try and release it. They hear the aliens from earlier so they hide. Oh, but
these kids still have the lasso from earlier meaning the aliens didn’t think to
disarm the kids before kidnapping them. They lasso the one alien’s hand and try
to pull while even the alien is confused as to what they are doing. Of course
these aliens have a neat trick to get rid of their arm.
The
arm pins the kids to the wall and then goes back to the alien. Because of this
action, the kids are no longer allowed to move freely and are stuck to the
wall.
The alien laughs as he joins the others. They then command Gamera to destroy a nearby dam.
If
you are a Gamera follower and wondering why this looks so familiar. And if you
are not, you should because this is stock footage from Gamera vs. Barugon where
Gamera did the exact same thing.
The
aliens then tell Gamera to destroy Tokyo. Oh and you remember earlier when they
couldn’t get a call out to the sister because that damn beam was disrupting the
means of communication?
They
explain the situation with Gamera and the sister recommends they use the same
nerve they used in their brain to pull pranks to get out of trap they are in.
They think that unknown thing from earlier is space food for the squid thing
they found as Gamera destroys Tokyo. Now if they were truly lazy, they would
use stock footage from a black and white film that is the original Gamera film
and pass it off as new footage in this color film.
They
are using black and white stock footage from the original Gamera film to pass
as current footage of Gamera destroying Tokyo. That is a new low in laziness
even for Japan. And with the colorful ship looking on, you can REALLY tell this
was half-assed.
The
aliens then make their demands for conquest as the kids use the rope to plan an
escape. The military seem to think the only two options they have are to
surrender or let the two kids die (I’m okay with the second one). Meanwhile,
the kids use the rope to wiggle their way out of the restraints.
The
kids use the compass wrist watch to tell everyone that they are free. The two
kids then decide that they will sacrifice themselves for the Earth so they can
attack the ship (Yes….Kill them!!!!). The parents (who are also now here) are
devastated by their acceptance. Then the UN calls and says they have decided to
surrender the Earth.
The
kids then get told that the UN has planned to surrender and even the kids think
that is bullshit. Shimada then reveals that he checked the sub and saw that the
kids had sabotaged it so he wants them to try and do the same thing to the
spaceship. And yes, in case you ask, this ship also has battery coils so they
can do the same thing they did for the sub.
The
aliens talk about the Earth surrendering and saying that was only the first
phase of their mission (Really, just the first, guys?). Of course Phase 2 is
that they attack the Earth now (Wait…they already were doing that before. You
didn’t need Earth’s permission then.). They call themselves Virases and say
that are the greatest species in the universe which makes all other species
useless. So Gamera (still in black and white from the first movie) is told to
annihilate the Earthlings. And the kids respond in silence with "Shit!!!".
They
then tell the Virases that the monster is on the loose.
So
as the Virases (I hate this name especially with my Spell Check looking at me
like a damn idiot), the kids look at the control panel and switch two
triangles.
So
the Virases go to the monster (that is still caged up) and realize that the
kids were lying. Meanwhile the kids are messing around with the controls to the
laser trap or as they have called it, The Super Catcher Ray. They then demand
that it gets fired at them (which it does) and they get sent back down to Earth.
So
the Virases see that the kids have somehow escaped and instead of figuring out
how, they decide that they will get Gamera to kill the kids. They first order
Gamera to touch down (which if the kids control worked, Gamera would go against
that order and stay in the air). Gamera is then ordered to kill the kids and
that is when the reverse controls prank works as Gamera attacks the ship
instead.
The
Virases are not happy with this and even wonder what Gamera is doing as Gamera
sets fire to the ship. So the bad guys run and decide to go with their final
plan, and wait until you get a load of this ass pull. You remember that caged
beast from earlier?
So
why did they need to go and check to see if he was still caged? I mean, here’s
how it should have gone.
Masao: Hey, that monster
you got caged in there is on the loose.
Jimmy: Yeah, we could be
in real danger.
*Virases
laugh*
Viras #1: Silly kids, he’s
our boss
Viras #2: Yeah, why in the
hell would we have a rampaging monster in our ship? That would be extremely
stupid.
Viras #3: Yeah, the Virases
are too smart to do something like that. You really are a useless species.
Viras #4: Speaking of which,
I remember last having you restrained on the wall. How did you escape the
restraints?
Masao & Jimmy:
Shit
All of the
Virases: LANGUAGE!!!!!
While
Gamera is destroying the ship, the mind controlling device on Gamera just dies.
So
the boss says that their last resort involves them all dying and he goes “off
with their heads” on them.
Little
versions of the boss come out and Masao explains that this must mean that the
aliens caught other humans and used their bodies as disguises. Then the Virases
combine with their boss to make one giant Viras.
So
now we get to the final battle between Gamera and Viras, which sadly we only
have 10 minutes of the movie left. So Viras throws pieces of the spaceship at
Gamera, which Gamera breathes fire on. Once Viras runs out of ship pieces to
throw, then we get an actual fight as Viras tries to drown Gamera.
Unfortunately,
Viras forgot that Gamera was in the water during their first attempt to capture
Gamera and Gamera throws his opponent out of the water. Viras then tries to
impale Gamera with its top, but Gamera ducks.
Viras
is now stuck on the ground and Gamera slams Viras like the Hulk would slam
Loki.
Viras
uses its tentacles to trip Gamera and this would normally be a problem as
turtles can’t get up while on their back. Viras then throws Gamera around. Then
Gamera got up and as Viras was about to use his impale attack again, Gamera…
Gamera
threw a rock.
The
gravity of this rock causes Viras to fall upside down while still stuck on the
rock.
Gamera
throws Viras back in the water and dives after him. Gamera breaks the rock off
Viras and...
Viras
gets in the dirt and Gamera falls off. Then Viras jumps up out of the water and
stabs Gamera.
Nope,
it was…
Gamera
uses his jets and flies Viras in the air.
And
unfortunately for Viras, it needed the spaceship as it freezes in outer space
as Gamera is fine.
Gamera
then drops Viras and Viras dies and falls in the ocean. The kids are happy as
Shimada calls for them. Everyone is also there to be glad to see the kids
alive. But they still get no dinner tonight for their earlier pranks.
So
Gamera leaves as the kids say thank you and thankfully, this disaster is over.
So
a little bit of the aftermath since I do not have any info to tell me how this
film did when it was released, let’s talk about some of the people involved.
Kojiro Hongo would no longer be in Showa Gamera movies, but he would make an
appearance in the first Hensei film Gamera: Guardian of the Universe. That would
be his final appearance in a Gamera film and he would retire from acting in
2001 and sadly pass away from heart failure in 2013 at the age of 74. Noriaki
Yuasa (a child actor who later became a director) would direct a few more
Gamera films with sadly Gamera; Super Monster being his last. He would pass
away in 2004 to a stroke at the age of 71.
But
there two actors who led different and interesting lives that have not passed
away. Mari Atsumi (who played the other older girl alongside Masao’s sister)
would become a sex idol in Japan and then would virtually disappear in 1975.
The other is Carl Craig (who played Jim) as while this would be his only acting
role as acting wasn’t for him, he would become what he actually wanted to be
and that was an Air Force pilot. He would later become a US Customs agent and
then advisor for then President George H.W. Bush.
So
now my final thoughts on this film and I can’t sugar coat it, this is worst
Gamera induction I have had to do. This movie was so cheaply made (with the
stock footage (even using black and white footage in a colored film to save
money)) and I would find many things in this film pulled out of its own ass.
Also, the two lead characters were made into annoying little imps who could
have nearly gotten people killed and yet we are supposed to relate to them in
some way. The monster action was so miniscule that you really wonder what the
point was. And sadly, this plot would be mostly reused for Gamera vs. Zigra.
So
we have one final induction and…
Oh
fancy meeting you at a time like this. Now before you give me my final
induction of the year, I have something to tell you.
What?
Remember
when you had that plan to make me review Thankskilling 3 if I didn’t get donated
Blood Freak before next year’s October.
Yeah?
So what?
Well,
a bit after you said that, this came in the mail (on Halloween oddly
enough).
So
yeah, you can suck it on that idea of making me induct Thankskilling 3 on
November.
Congrats
on that. But with the Fantasy Football bet that I may still win
You’re
tied for last place.
Porno
Pete was last place and yet he won his league’s title so that doesn’t fucking
matter!!!!!
Still
a bit miffed about that.
Just
a tiny bit although you had to review the movies he sent you. Anyway, I guess I
have to go this month to tick you off and since it is December, I have the
perfect sequel to piss you off.
Oh
dear god, not Seed’s Revenge.
What???
No!!!! Next month is December!!! I wouldn’t ruin anyone’s holiday with that.
I’m actually hurt that you would actually think on the holidays, I would make
you watch Part 2 of an Uwe Boll film that barely anyone has heard of, even if
you suffered through it.
Phew…
But
thanks for reminding me of that for if I win on Fantasy Football.
*Gulp*
Anyway,
next month is December and since I can’t make you review a sequel that you have
gotten many requests on next November, I’ll make you review a sequel that you
have gotten many requests to induct this December and that is…
