Monster Crap
Inductee: The Erotic Ghost
Scooby Doo Wouldn’t Even Be Afraid Of This Ghost
2001
Last
month, we had fun with the 1970s spoof of a serial that came out before the
Hollywood film adaptation in Flesh Gordon. Well, if you were expecting even
close to the same fun in 2001’s The Erotic Ghost, well then…sorry. This film is
an extreme borefest that I had trouble staying awake to. And this being a
porno, the sex scenes here are ungodly long.
Nothing,
I guess…unless you are forced to watch the whole movie like I am and not a
masturbation freak like you are.
Hey!!! There was no call for that!!!
Maybe…but
this movie is so boring, it sort of pisses me off you would make me watch
this…and even worse, there is no way I can send this back and say no monsters
are in it, because there is a ghost and there are demons.
Yeah,
I make sure to watch these films myself to make sure there is one before
sending them your way. I’m not going by the title anymore…
Oh
joy…
Hey,
I don’t appreciate the sarcasm either. But since I’m in a good move, I’ll help
you out with the intro.
In the 2000s,
there was a great man who decided to enter porn in John Bachus.
You
know he started directing in 1989 and his first porn film was in 1998.
Yeah, but in the
2000s, he was making more than one a year. Anyway, in this film, he also is the
male lead. But let’s forget him as it is the females I care about.
First, we have a
cast member of a past Monster Crap inductee in Tammy Parks.
And despite her
being 6 years older, I say she still looks good as you will see. But our real
female lead is the one and only Darian Caine.
She was in all
three Erotic Witch Projects, Mistress Frankenstein, Gladiator Eroticvs: The
Lesbian Warriors, and in later years (after this film), she was in Playmate of
the Apes and Lust For Dracula.
If
it is anything like Lust For Frankenstein, I’ll pass.
Well, when I win
The Fantasy Football Bet again, you won’t get that chance to pass. Besides,
Jess Franco didn’t direct Lust For Dracula.
Oh and Debbie
Rochon is in this film as well.
I
have heard of her. She did some Troma films.
Yeah, and she has
been in some films as well like Lusty Busty Fantasies, The Vampire’s Seduction,
Sextrospective and also Playmate Of The Apes (even though she was in ape
costume for that film). I could say another film, but since that name actually
gives bad memories of a tragedy that happened 12 years after this film came
out, I won’t.
What
film is that?
I’ll whisper it to
ya.
*Porno
Pete whispers in Seth’s ear and Seth’s eyes get bigger.*
Yeah,
let’s not mention that. Anyway…anything else?
Other than two
porn actresses who didn’t have much of a career as they lasted only 6 years at
the most, not really.
Well,
then let’s get this mundane induction over with.
So
we begin this film with crappy opening credits.
So
after that less than a minute opening credits scene, we get some playtime with
a mistress and a slave and before you ask, yes…..some terms in the porn world I
do know about and don’t need Porno Pete to explain them to me.
The
mistress orders her slave to undress and then kiss her feet.
We
then get a long drawn out sex scene (which will be one of several that this
film has). We also reveal that this our titular (please don’t joke about that)
ghost and a housewife named Doris. But this is all a fantasy as Doris is actually
having sex with her husband Robert so basically as he is having sex with her,
she is imagining having sex with someone else.
He
gets his rocks off as she looks on in the distance. You can already basically
get the idea that yeah, she is bored by her sex life.
And
good news is that is the only sex we have to deal with the director.
Robert
asks what Doris has planned for today and his wife says basically the same old
thing. Robert doesn’t seem to care and he thinks this is just okay. Robert
talks about how they hired a new guy at work and he is a pain in the ass and
while he was hired to help him, he husband feels the new guy is trying to steal
his job. Doris says he needs the help as he complains to her about work. When
Robert asks what she is going to do today (a question she was basically already
asked), she says that she might commit suicide. Robert of course doesn’t care
and he says that’s nice. Okay, if you are married to a woman or man, do not
just say that is nice to the answer of committing suicide, just don’t. We’ve
lost so many people to suicide as it is and we don’t need more.
We
then go to the kitchen as Robert asks if they have any Jim-Jims (lord knows
what that is) and she says they are out. Robert was looking forward to some as
he goes and drinks his coffee while reading the paper. He talks about how they
are building some bridge and I am almost feeling like Doris here.
As
Robert continues his boring steak, our erotic ghost shows up.
Doris
can’t believe she is seeing this and Robert doesn’t even notice. Robert heads
to work.
And
we get a shot of the building he works at.
So
Robert works at Barker Benton McManus as we meet Bob.
And
yes, Bob is the type of guy who will kinda be friends with you while ready to
stab you in the back. We see Robert head to his office with a bored look on his
face.
He
sees several post it notes about what his schedule is and Robert also does not
wanna work here. Then this happens.
Meanwhile
we get this character who we only see from this view and………just look.
This
guy who everyone calls Scooter (although he is never in the credits) introduces
us to some of the other people working at Barker Benton McManus. Like Mr.
Barker
This
guy who has an obsession with baseball.
And
Brenda, who is one of the worst employees ever as she will be disrespectful to
co-workers and on the phone with personal issues.
Scooter
then tries to ask her out, but she ignores him. He also gives mail to Robert
and Robert wants him to go away. He talks to Bob about his first week working
here and Bob says he has been here for 5 weeks. He also says that
misinformation may be a bad business call and tells him to get his shit
together. Bob also asks where Robert keeps his files and Scooter doesn’t
respond.
We
then go back to the house as Doris is going to take a shower. And this whole
shower is done in real time so if you just want to see a naked hot woman take a
regular quick shower with nothing special, here you go. Oh and she also dries
off with the music trying to say this is steaming rather than uninteresting.
But she realizes she has what looks to be a vampire bite.
This
concerns Doris, but we head back to Robert’s work and Brenda is playing
solitaire instead of working.
This
baseball guy asks Scooter if he has ever heard of Red McTeague? He says Red was
a famous manager in the 40s-50s who won a ton of games. By the way, as a guy
who knows a lot of history and sports, I can tell you this guy never existed.
This baseball obsessed nut says that Red always said that “It Aint Over Till
You Win Or You Lose”. He says that losing sucks and it’s like in the office
where if you have a bad day, you go home a loser. This nut says that he goes
home to his supermodel wife and has hot anal sex with her and her sister so it
takes the sting out of losing for him. Sure you do, buddy……..sure you do.
We
go back to Robert, who continues working after getting a glass of water and
some Alka-Seltzer. Then as the water fizzes, he just stares at it. Bob finally
shows up and asks how Robbie is doing. Bob then pokes him as he explains he was
doing the same shit Robert was doing at his last job. He also talks about how
he did a good job in scoring the Johnson contract. Bob wants to work with him
on the Johnson account and Robert passes on his offer.
He
gets a call and it is from Doris. Doris explains that she just wanted to hear the
sound of Robert’s voice. Doris also says she loves him and he says great before
hanging up as he has something to do. That something is to get Bob out of his
office as the guy has an office of his own. Bob tries to still work with him on
the Johnson account and Robert imagines strangling Bob.
Back
with Doris, she is cleaning dishes in the sink and who should come but our
ghost to start molesting her.
And
thus an 8 minute sex scene commences.
We
go back to the office as Brenda has fallen asleep playing Minesweeper.
Meanwhile
baseball freak (whose name is Ted) wants to play roughhouse with Scooter.
Then
random text appears with Robert staring at us.
Bob
wakes him out of the funk again asking how he is doing. He has also gotten Mr.
Barker here and reveals that he has snuck in his own analytics on the Johnson
Report. Bob also got him some coffee and a bagel. Bob also asks if Mr. Barker
wants to drive some balls with him over the weekend and the boss likes this
idea. Yep, Bob has revealed he is a prick after Robert’s job.
Then
we get this awkward moment of Doris staring at the toaster.
She
looks the other way after it is done and the ghost is winking at her.
Doris
then decides to follow the butt naked ghost and follows her upstairs. The ghost
poses in the bedroom and then disappears. She hears a noise in the basement and
the ghost reappears downstairs to lead Doris to the basement, where there are
two devils.
They
want Doris to join them and she runs away.
We
then join Robert back in his office where more text appears above his head.
Robert
then has an image of Bob and Mr. Barker laughing at him with a red tint to know
this isn’t real.
Robert
then decides to talk to Brenda, who doesn’t know who he is or anyone for that
matter (wanting a memo pad). He reveals they had sex during the Christmas Party
and she laughs about how ridiculous that would be for her to have sex with this
loser. Also she says if he is telling people that, it is sexual harassment. He
just gives up and leaves.
Robert
goes back to his office, where Bob comes back in and makes some more jokes
about Robert. Robert then gets his devil conscience who says to just kill Bob.
Then
more molestation as Doris is molested by the devils while trying to sleep.
Basically
this is non-consensual that turns into consensual and……..this is a waste of
time. This lasts for 8 minutes and then disappear, but the ghost returns.
Back
at work, Robert reveals that he has bought a freaking gun.
He
then goes and shoots Bob, killing him.
How
does everyone react? Run and panic like normal people do? Nope.
Then
Mr. Barker comes in and he wants to see Robert in his office.
Back
at home, Doris is sitting on the couch naked…as you do, I guess. Suddenly, one
of the devils shows up.
So
the devil shows up speaking in pure whatever (yeah, these devils speak in
echoes for some reason). The devil takes Doris with her and blindfolds her.
Anyway,
the one devil plays with her in a sex scene that takes several minutes and a
strap-on for 7 minutes.
Back
at the office, Mr. Barker called Robert to his office because he doesn’t like
his productivity as of lately. So he promotes him.
Oh
yeah, at this firm, they don’t want to fire anyone because of paperwork or some
BS so they hope to motivate them to do more by promoting them. The salary would
be the same since they aren’t doing better, but yeah….promotion like with
Brenda, who is doing probably even worse than when she was promoted. Game show
host from Billy Madison, can you come in.
And
you want to know the worst thing? I didn’t want to use that Billy Madison line.
I mean it’s great and all, but that needs to be not thrown in there all
willy-nilly. That needs to be used for something so goddamn stupid that it
needs to be put in there and this boss’ whole spiel about promoting terrible
employees instead of firing them, that takes the fucking cake. Also, Robert
admits he just shot and killed Bob, and the boss doesn’t care. So Robert isn’t
going to jail here for murder. In no world, does this even make a lick of
sense….even in the world with The Purge because everyone would be home and…god,
even this film makes The Purge series seem more intelligent.
Oh
and his new office is basically the broom closet. He obviously wants to be
fired, but they won’t and for some dumb reason he doesn’t want to quit this job
either. Robert even asks what they do here and he gets no answer on what they
do some this is just lazy writing.
So
saleswoman from Pink Pussycat Cosmetics comes knocking on the door to the house
that Doris lives in and Doris comes out naked and invites her in.
So
the saleswoman comes inside. Oh and of no surprise, Doris springs on the
saleswoman after a few minutes and tries to have sex with her. This saleswoman
even wants her to get off her so she is definitely saying no so this is fucking
rape. Two movies in a row where I have to deal with rape.
But
like before, this non-consensual sex turns into consensual sex pretty fucking
fast. Back at the office, Bob is going home and now he looks pale.
As
he is leaving, he hears laughter and it is Brenda talking about Robert with
Ted, the baseball freak. Robert just leaves without a care in the world.
Robert
goes to his car and runs into a gorilla with balloons.
Robert
looks back at the gorilla and sees himself in the suit.
Irish
music is playing that has been playing in the past too as well as the Indian
music at times. Robert comes home and sees his wife doing what with saleswoman,
Bill and Ted?
Robert
sees this and walks toward the sofa where Ghost Bob is waiting for him. The
final shot of the film is Robert just sitting there as Ghost Bob looks on
disapprovingly as Robert turns the movie off
Not
much to say about anyone in this film. Nothing to say about how this movie did
either other than John Bachus and crew still did more movies. So let’s get to
the final thoughts. This movie is boring as all hell. When the sex scenes
aren’t long that you’ll probably already got your rocks off and stopped
watching, the other stuff is just so goddamn tedious and fucking stupid at
times like the whole Bob murdering a guy and then getting promoted. The women
are attractive, I won’t disagree there because you need that in a porn and
after Lust For Frankenstein, that isn’t a given. But they really are not good
actresses and sometimes give us moments that take you out of the movie like the
one time Doris is looking at a toaster. I really would recommend you not see
this and also, I can consider this the worst porn movie I have ever reviewed
because even Lust For Frankenstein had some interesting moments (although I
will say the sex scenes in this are better than Lust For Frankenstein as all
the woman who are naked are at least attractive in The Erotic Ghost unlike the
other one where one of the women in LFF who looked old and the monster had so
much effect to make her unattractive).
So
what is next?
Well,
next is a return of Fred Olen Ray as we dive into another one of his films as
Nicholas Medina. And I wasn’t sure if this one would count since the monster is
barely in it, but there is a dinosaur so it counts and that is.
