Monster Crap
Inductee: Flesh Gordon
Sadly, No Queen To Do An Awesome Theme Song
1974
Flesh…A-ah…Savior Of The Pornoverse
Flesh...A-ah…he’ll
fuck everyone of us
Fl…
Dear
God, stop it. You do not have the voice of Freddy Mercury so stop singing that
nonsense in hopes of making some fake theme for this film.
You
don’t have his voice either.
I
know I’m not. If I was, I wouldn’t be stuck with you or NegaSeth and would be
enjoying myself. Can I start the induction now?
Fine…
Good.
Folks,
we have a rare situation that may never happen again. We have a porno spoof
that was done before a theatrical adaptation was done. No kidding, this porno
spoof was released 6 years before the Flash Gordon film that we all know and
love. So how is this a spoof, you ask? Well, there was a serial of this hero
named Flash Gordon and before that, a radio drama, and even before that, there
was a comic strip about the adventures of Flash Gordon.
The
few things known is this film cost $470,000, which in the 70s is quite a bit of
money, although the producer Bill Osco intended to hold out for a million
dollars, but no one would bite. The film was cut down to 78 minutes to get an R
rating in theaters, but afterwards they released it to its original cut of 90 minutes
with as much porn as possible put back in (since plenty of it was lost and
taken away by the LA police as the porn producers had some trouble with the law).
This film also had some really good special effects artists and in fact,
several of them have past Monster Crap Inductees on the resume.
We
Have Oscar Winning Special Effects Wizard Rick Baker, Who Did Effects For
Squirm, And The Incredible Melting Man
We
Have Dave Allen, Who Did The Effects For Laserblast, Ghoulies 2, And Demonic
Toys
We
Have Jim Danworth (Credited As Mij Htrownad (His Name Spelled Backwards)) Who
Did Effects For Friday The 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan
We
Also Have Greg Jein, Who Also Did Effects (Though Uncredited) For Laserblast
So
already you can tell this was a very ambitious film, but this film also almost
got sued….by Universal Studios
Universal
Studios…My Old Enemy
Although
in this case, Universal had a legit gripe since they did own the rights to
Flash Gordon in the cinematic universe and the first act of the film was maybe
too close to the first episode of the serial that Universal made to the point
that it might be plagiarism. So when you see the intro that one of the
directors Howard Zeihm saying that this is a parody and we respect the original
source material, Universal made them put that in. Also there are three more
things, but let’s save that for the film. Also in case you are ask about the
cast, this was definitely a beginning of a career for most of the cast, except
a few who did porn beforehand. Let’s just get to the film.
We
first get a narration that tells us in no uncertain terms that yes, this is a
porn parody and not meant in any way to steal from the original.
Yes,
We Were Forced To Have This Opening By Universal Studios Because We Might Have
Plagiarized Them.
We
then get a newscaster saying that there is some serious perverted shit that is
happening.
Yes,
We Are A Porn Parody. Excuse Us For Not Getting A Real Radio Studio
Also
Congress is in session, but no one has shown up (which might be a good thing or
the custodians would have trouble cleaning up the Capitol more than the trouble
that they already have to deal with) and the President has locked himself and
the Vice President in the White House bathroom (I don’t think I want to know
what is going on in the bathroom). The First Lady wants us to seek comfort in
the bible.
No,
Regan….Not In The Way You Are Thinking, Dammit!!!
There
is a meeting of the top scientists and it is headed by Prof. Gordon
No,
I Swear To God The Old Guy Is Not Flesh. This Prof. Gordon Is Flesh’s Dad. I Did
Not Trick You Into A Movie Where Old People Have Sex.
Anyway,
Professor Gordon says we are in deep trouble.
Then
we have a newsboy on the corner saying our planet is being in peril by a sex
madness.
Basically
some flashes come by and everybody starts getting horny, including the paper
boy.
Yes
This Is What The Rays Look Like.
We
go back to the meeting of the scientists where Prof. Gordon reveals that this
is a sex ray and his son Flesh (an ice hockey player) has discovered this ray
is coming from a distant planet. Oh and Professor Gordon found his wife in bed
with the garbage man.
Garbage
Day For Him Will Never Be The Same For Him Again
And
Plenty Of Other People Will Have The Horrors Of Garbage Day More Than A Decade
When Eric Freeman Goes Crazy
Prof.
Gordon also says that his son is heading back at this very moment. Then we go
to the plane and considering we never see Prof. Gordon or any of these other
people again, let’s just say it doesn’t go too well. On the plane we meet Flesh
Gordon blow a bubble from his bubble gum.
And
we get our opening title sequence as well as opening credits.
Yes
And In That Small Corner That Is Being Black Boxed Is A Rocket Ship Shaped Like
A Penis
In
fact, during the credits, this dick rocket flies all over the comic book pages
and there is a naked woman that the rocket commits going into. Very suggestive
stuff.
Anyway,
we are back on the plane and the first persons we see are the pilots.
Hey,
It’s Better Than The Plan 9 Crap
In
the back of the plane, Flesh Gordon is talking to news reporter Dale Ardor, who
also just so happens to be on the plane.
They
talk for a few minutes until the plane gets hit with the sex ray so everyone
except Flesh for some reason starts getting horny and forms an orgy.
Even
the pilots get in on the action so no one is flying the plane so Flesh tries to
go past the orgy and fly the plane. Sadly
Flesh’s strength pulls the steering wheel and now no Matter what, this plane is going down.
Flesh
gets himself a parachute while carrying a horny and mostly naked Dale and they
get off the plane.
Screw
Everyone Else On The Plane. I’m Gonna Get This One Girl And I Out Of This Damn
Plane
And
they are the only ones who survive as Dale is barely holding onto Flesh.
I
Swear To God She Is Holding Him And Not Trying To Blow Him
Then
as Flesh is holding onto her, Dale commits fellatio on him as they both land.
After walking a few feet while Dale is having no shirt or bra on, they reach a
house.
They
then run into a crazy man with a rifle who thinks they are spies.
Man,
Lighting Is Bad In Some Of These Scenes
After
some conversation, we find out that this man is Dr. Flexi Jerkoff and he has
built a rocket ship so they can go to this foreign planet and put a stop to
this sex ray.
And
Yes, Flexi Fondles Dale The Entire Way To His Lab.
He
then reveals his ship.
Which
Is Getting Completely Black Boxes Because It Is A More Suggestive Model Of A
Penis Than The Ship In The Opening Credits.
Flexi
was able to get most of the parts from a Sears catalog and since they have no
more time to have anyone else see the ship or assemble a real crew, Jerkoff
takes Flesh and Dale with them and they head off to space. And since this
rocket only has one seat, Dale and Flesh need to hold onto to grips as if they
were on a New York subway.
Oh
and before you ask about air and food and shit, remember what Mystery Science
Theater 3000 said…
Just
Repeat To Yourself “It’s Just A Show. I Should Really Just Relax.”
As
the rocket is in space, we see one planet even have an eye.
Is
That Supposed To Be The Moon?
They
then go through some space trash which is strange.
Polluting
Aliens…We May Need An Intergalactic Captain Planet To Deal With Them
They
haven’t even gone far as we still even see Earth.
Thankfully
The Universal Logo Doesn’t Appear
The
sex ray shoots out and is about to hit them. Flesh tries to move the rocket
with the controls, but his strength breaks the level and a trouble alarm
appears.
Uh
Oh…EC3 May Be Near
They
of course cannot dodge the sex ray and Flesh isn’t invulnerable to this one so
we have a three way.
Yeah….Black
Boxing Flesh Gordon’s Pasty White Ass For My Own Sanity
They
even have mattresses on this rocket so nobody gets hurt while having sex on
this rocket ship. After that, Flexi admits that if he has another episode like
that, he will be ready for the old folks’ home. So they go to land on the
planet Porno.
Yes,
That’s What It Is Called. Deal With It.
They
are immediately discovered by guards and a rocket is sent to shoot the ship
down under the orders of their leader, who we only hear at this time in a
voiceover.
A
rocket shoots at them and the ship is hit.
Well
Definitely Made It Double
The
ship is shot down, but thankfully our heroes are okay. And because Dale lost
all her clothes in that sex scene, she is given a dress to put on by Flexi. It
was apparently Flexi’s mother’s dress and she was buried in it. I’m not even
going to touch the implications on that one.
They
are immediately spotted by the guards.
Black
Boxes For The Tops Of Their Helmets Because Yes, They Are Phallic.
Our
three heroes are chased into a cave and while they lose them, they have to deal
with some Penisauruses.
Yes,
Those Are What They Are Called
They
get in trouble with the Penisauruses, but the guards come in to take care of
them.
They
are captured and tied up so they can be taken to the castle of their leader,
Emperor Wang The Perverted
Hey,
It’s Monster Crap Alumni William Dennis Hunt.
He
was in Critters 3.
He
Was Briggs, That Asshole Businessman Who Had A Deal With A Landlord To Get All
The Tenants Out Of The Building. He Was Also Leonardo DiCaprio’s Character’s
Dad.
He
has a hookah to smoke and an orgy happening on the floor. He wants to know why
they have come to his planet and Flexi says they came to destroy that evil sex
ray. Wang is offended by them wanting to destroy his sex ray as he thought they
would be thanking him for the sex ray because well, he is a pervert. Since
Flexi is a scientist, he is made to be a scientist under his employ. He sees
Dale and is entranced by her enough to force her to marry him. Flesh has issues
with this and tries to fight, but the guards kick his ass. Wang immediately wants
him executed, but Queen of the Darkness Amora shows up.
She
wants Flesh all to herself, but Wang makes Flesh first fight in the arena.
Yeah,
He Has To Fight Naked Feral Women With Long Blue Nails
He
defeats them and Queen Amora claims him as her own after he passes out from the
fight with the naked feral women. She teleports away with him. Wang wants his
guards to go after them because since Flesh had the gall to try to strangle
him, he doesn’t want this one to get away.
Oh
And Amora Has A Swan Spaceship.
While
on the spaceship, Amora puts Flesh under a spell so she can have sex with him
over and over again.
The
swan ship even passes by constellations.
One
That I Have To Black Box
The
second constellation shoots its star arrow for no reason other than to look
pretty. So Amora and Flesh start having sex while this green bastard watches
for no reason.
Horny
Owl, I Think You May Have Competition For Weird Voyeuristic Character
Meanwhile
this dog is wagging its tail.
Meanwhile,
Wang has a random girl hooked up to some sort of feather machine.
Wang
gets told that the guards have found Amora’s ship and despite this maybe
causing a war, he wants that ship shot down. Wang says they need to make ready
for the ceremony as Porno shall have a new queen. After he leaves (and calls a
guard a dildo (he does that with almost all his guards)), Flexi has a guard
hold and forces him to drop a jar, which creates a gas that knocks the guard
out. This
allows Flexi to escape and steal one of the spaceships. I should mention that
Flexi does not take Wang hostage as he had a gun to him and only forced him to
allow him to go down the elevator.
As
Amora’s ship passes by more constellations…
The
sex between Flesh and Amora is interrupted as the ship is shot down.
This
kills everyone but Flesh.
Meanwhile
the ceremony between Wang and Dale commences.
2)
Dude’s Penis On The Right Is Black Boxed
3)
The Priest Is A Special Effects Guy Who Would Do Effects For War Games, The
Adventures Of Buckaroo Banzai Across The 8th Dimension, And Beverly
Hills Cop
Oh
and this ceremony has cheerleaders.
Meanwhile,
Flesh puts on the crown and night gown of the late Amora when he meets up with
Flexi, who is revealed to be the one who shot the swan ship down.
They
are about to head to stop the wedding when a visual screen of Amora shows up.
Amora
reveals that she regrets her evil ways and says that she gives them the gift of
her power pasties, which may be able to stop Wang.
Flesh
feels stupid in the attire he is wearing so Flexi says he has something in the
ship and what is it, you may ask?
Back
to the wedding, the priest tells Wang that he may now kiss the bride. He tries
to do so with her struggling against this before they are interrupted by Flesh
and Flexi.
I Swear Those Two Guards Are Not Having Sex With Each Other
A
struggle commences and during the struggle, the woman who escorts Dale reveals
to be a traitor to Wang and takes Dale away.
Flesh
demands where Dale is and Wang tells them that some girl has taken her away. As
they are about to go to retrieve her, Wang distracts them and that allows the
priest to pull a lever so Flesh and Flexi fall through a trap door.
The
girl is revealed to be an agent for the Amazon Chief Nellie.
Nellie
reveals that they need to initiate her into one of their ranks so they strap
her to a table and choose the black girl to have sex with her.
Thankfully,
the hole that Flesh and Flexi fell into is near is close to the Amazon
hide-out. Flexi and Flesh use the power pasties to put a hole in the trap they
are in.
This
allows the two to get to the Amazons hide-out and stop the rape of
Dale….because it seems Flesh has an issue with dykes if this dialogue is to be
believed.
Flexi: Good lord, they
are dykes.
Flesh: Dykes!!!
*Flesh
charges in and starts punching*
The
one spy bangs a gong.
This
summons the beetle man.
Flesh
and the Beetle Man fight each other and the beetle man is a real good stop
motion effect (especially for the time). Flesh gets his ass kicked for most of
it when a mysterious man uses a bow and arrow to kill the Beetle Man.
The
Amazons are never seen again and Flesh wonders who is behind the kill of the
Beetle Man and the man who killed the Beetle Man was…
Precious
reveals that he is the true heir to Porno and seeks to stop the evil Wang while
regaining the throne. Precious reveals that Porno was once veritable paradise,
but Wang, a maniacal botanist whose organ was devoured by a crazed Penis Fly
Trap, led a rebellion with his fellow impotent and frustrated men and used the
sex ray to take over. Flesh says that if there is anything he can do to repay
him, he will and boy did Precious immediately call in that favor.
In
the Forest Kingdom, they form their plan to defeat the evil Wang. There is an
orgy going on in the forest so they head to the lab with Flexi to see if he has
found something to stop the sex ray. With his use of the power pasties combined
with a new gun he has created, they can destroy the sex ray. Meanwhile, there
is an obvious spy among the ranks of Precious’ men.
Relax,
relax…it isn’t Malcolm McDowell at all as he would have a different softcore
film to star in (*cough* Caligula *cough*). But it was that spy thing I was
talking about. Anyway, he sees all of this and reports back to Wang.
As
Wang tells this spy his plan, we cut to the very next scene where everyone is
flying on Precious’ ship.
They
get close to Wang’s palace and the sex ray and it is at this moment that the
plan is put into action as the spy stops driving and grabs one of the power
pasties.
The
spy then uses a parachute to get off the ship as Wang’s forces attack.
I
think we all know what this mean.
The
spy also fucked around with the ship’s controls so the ship seems to be
crashing, but then the ship stops crashing as it is revealed they are caught in
Wang’s tractor beam and where it is heading is not good.
The
ship gets crunched.
Then
as with all serials this parodies like Flash Gordon, we get a question that
asks if our heroes have died.
Then
with 22 minutes left in the movie, we get an intermission.
We
then get what is said to be Part II.
And
like all serials, you get to see how everyone except that one guy who is not
named makes it out alive.
They
mention that they only had four parachutes so that other guy died while the spy
was sadly his best guy. The four immediately get down and storm the castle.
Low
hanging fruit so yeah, I used that terrible joke. They chase the spy into a
different room, but he evades them and now they are caught in a trap.
Wang
comes on the computer and talks about how they are all going to die and
afterwards, the floor starts showing that this room is a giant toilet.
They
all get flushed down the toilet and Wang celebrates thinking that they are
dead.
Unfortunately
as he is celebrating, we learn that Flesh and friends are not dead.
Wang
is interrupted from his orgy party by the spy who gives him the one power pasty
that he stole. He then leaves as Wang decides he is going to use that power
pasty for kinky shit.
Unfortunately
for our perverted emperor, the pasty gets stuck up in there. The heroes also
bust out of the men’s room with some seaweed on them.
Our
heroes run in and all the orgy men and women (except the one with the pasty
stuck) leave. Wang then deploys his Rapist Robots.
It
seems our heroes again are in trouble, but Flesh is able to get away and turn
the knob so the Rapist Robots go after Wang, who flees because he doesn’t want
to deal with those drills either and proclaiming that our heroes have not heard
the last of him.
The
Rapist Robots leave and our heroes proceed to attempt to get the jewel out of
the woman’s vagina.
They
get it out and plan to use both pasties to destroy the sex ray. Meanwhile, Wang
awakens the monster of this planet to defeat the good guys.
Yes,
that Craig T. Nelson. The man who was in Poltergeist as well as the main
character in Coach. He was somehow talked into providing the voice of this
monster that is basically the final boss of this film. And how does he voice
this monster? The same way you would if you were just cashing in a damn check
and not giving a care how you sound.
Our
heroes run out, but meet the giant monster.
After
a few minutes, our monster is able to get his clutches on Dale.
Flesh
realizes the monster has Dale and Jerkoff would use the gun to kill it, but he
doesn’t want to hit Dale.
The
monster starts playing King Kong and goes to the highest place on this planet.
Wang
is enjoying this evil and threatens to burn the Earth to a crisp while our
heroes steal one of Wang’s rockets. Meanwhile, the monster decides he wants to
see Dale topless.
Our
heroes shoot at the creature who puts down Dale to deal with them.
The
monster says “Up Yours” to Flesh and they respond by shooting him in the ass.
Flesh
is able to get down and save Dale, which pisses off the monster enough to run
after him. Unfortunately for the beast, it is off the damn building, to which
the monster has this line.
The
monster also falls on Wang and the sex ray, blowing them both up and ending
this nightmare for the planet Porno.
With
the day saved and the evil castle destroyed, Precious and Flesh shake hands as
the earthlings prepare to head back to Earth.
Precious
says they can return at any time and our heroes head home in the penis shaped
rocket ship. They head back to Earth with a message telling us not to miss the
next episode.
And
the movie just ends. No closing credits or anything, the movie just ends.
Of
course, this movie was successful, so successful that there would be a sequel
in Flesh Gordon Meets The Cosmic Cheerleaders (no The Perils of Flesh Gordon).
Unfortunately, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it would sadly be made
16 years later so only one person would return for that sequel and that would
be William Dennis Hunt, who played the Wang and since he was killed in this
film, he was just the Evil Presence. We would have a new Flesh Gordon, a new Dale
Ardor, and a new Dr. Flexi Jerkoff. It’s probably going to be a while before I
do the sequel and that would require another win in the Fantasy Football Bet
for the Pirates of Porn.
Unfortunately,
this film would not be here in Monster Crap, without some people who are no
longer with us (especially as this film was done in the 70s). 8 years later,
one of the two directors in Michael Benveniste (who also wrote the film) would
commit suicide at the age of 36. Con Covert (who was uncredited as one of the
fleeing citizens when the castle was destroyed) suffered a heart attack and
died at the age of 55 on the year the sequel came out. A year after the sequel
was done, John Hoyt (who played Prof. Gordon) in the brief time he was in the
film, would succumb to lung cancer while 85 years old. Rene Bond (who played
one of the sex people in the room) would succumb to cirrhosis of the liver in
1996 at the age of 45. Norman Fields (the uncredited radio broadcaster) would
pass away that same year at the age of 72. William Margold (who was also an
uncredited fleeing citizen) would pass away this year 2017 due to a heart
attack at the age of 73.
I’ve
already mentioned those who would succeed outside this film so it is now time
for the final verdict. This movie is actually a fun romp, but I have to warn
people that there is a lot of nudity and plenty of sexual acts so you will need
to be an adult to see this movie or mature enough that your parents will be
fine with it. Outside of that, you will see what is definitely an ambitious
parody that is in the rare category of being before the big Hollywood feature
production that would come out in 1980. The effects are good, the acting is
decent, and overall, it is not a painful experience. Even without the porn
scenes, I would recommend this and if more porn inductions were like this, I
wouldn’t dread when Porno Pete wins.
But
unfortunately, I have checked his schedule and we are not that lucky so what do
you have next for us, Pete.
You give up way too early. Like this time, it would
star a person of Monster Crap past who I forgot to mention in the Attack of The
60 Foot Centerfold in Tammy Parks.
You
mean the rival?
Yep…the one and the same Tammy Parks. And if you look
up her IMDB page, this film would be the first film that comes up. It is
called…
