Monster Crap
Inductee: Witches Of Breastwick 2
More Spank, Less Sense
2005
This
is basically the same movie as the first. If you need an induction, go to the
first film.
And
with that said….what is the…
Oh No…You Are Not Getting Out Of This One That Easily
But
it is basically the same damn movie.
There are some small differences. Therefore, you will
do a full induction.
Aww….fine
Well,
like I said last month, Porno Pete gets to control what I induct this summer
and he will basically make me do a bunch of porn. So Witches of Breastwick 2.
You
will notice that the same guy named H.R. Blueberry is directing the sequel as
well as the original. You may know that to be an alias of Jim Wynorski, but
what you may not know is this was shot back to back with the first one. Now
while I did say this is basically the same as the first (basically the same
script and same roles), but there is some difference in that it is basically a
different cast and the characters have different names. Oh and as you will
notice at the end, the ending is different. Other than that, same sets,
basically same sex scenes, same actions. So let’s talk about the star of this
film, Tylene Buck.
She
started out as a fitness model who came to WCW as part of Vince Russo’s new NWO
2000. In fact, she was one of three fitness models that were around the stable
as arm candy. But after the short end to that (mostly due to Bret Hart’s
concussion that ended his career), 2 of the three were let go, but not Tylene
Buck because for her, she would be the valet for Misfits In Action and later
Team Canada that many would know her for as Major Gunns.
You
Can Kinda Guess Why She Was Called Major Gunns
Anyway,
after WCW closed doors and the company that bought it WWE had no interest in
her, she had a short run in XPW (a wrestling company run by porn producer Rob
Black and his wife) before now running her own wrestling company called Double
Trouble Wrestling, a wrestling company where people wrestle topless. But
afterwards, she would go into porn after doing nude stuff for videos.
We
only have a few people who were in previous inductions like Tannie Hannem and
Antonia Dorian were in the first Witches of Breastwick, Nicole Sheridan was in
Teenage Cavegirl, and Nikki Fritz was in Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold. And
of course, not only did Jim Wynorski do the first Witches of Breastwick, but he
also did Chopping Mall.
So
with that all done and before Porno Pete tries to say anything, let’s get to
the induction.
Yes…let the fun begin
We
start with our main guy being caressed and having three women sexily dance
around him.
The
Same Fucking Beginning, But With Different People…And Different Music. Also In
This One, The Guy Is Tied To A Tree And Not A Cabin.
But
this time another woman shows up.
Hey…It’s
Nikki Fritz. Oh, I’m Sorry…Her Name Is Millicent In This Film.
Please Tell Me She Gets Nude In This One So We Can See
Her Lovely…
Before
you even finish that sentence, the answer is no.
Aw phooey
When
the hell did you become Donald Duck?
Shut up. Donald Duck has nothing on me.
I
know. Donald Duck at least has a girlfriend.
Get back to the damn movie.
More
than happy to do so.
Before
anything happens, the guy gets up from a bad dream.
His
Name Is David….As Opposed To….David In The Last Film Too? Can This Movie At
Least Give People Different Names?
He
is comforted by his wife named Kate (unlike Tiffany in the last film).
Tammie
Hannum…Who Was The Person Warning David In The First Film.
Kate
asks if he is dealing with the same nightmare and he says yes as it always happens
no matter what else he thinks of before he goes to bed. Kate thinks this whole
shit is horrible and they have to stop this somehow. He agrees as this same
dream is driving him nuts. They talk about what the dream could mean and
nothing. Kate asks if this is about work and since his boss is a guy, that’s a
no. Kate then thinks he needs some tranquilizers.
I
Know Of A Guy Who Can Help You. Are You Okay With Guns?
Of
course this is the seventh time he has had this dream in two weeks. David says
he never experienced anything like this in L.A. and he wonders if he is not cut
out for living in the country. Kate says they just got up here so they are not
moving now. He asks what she wants him to do and his wife thinks they should
see a therapist. David is completely against this idea as he doesn’t believe in
head shrinks.
So
Are You A Scientologist? I Hope Not.
Kate
says something is wrong so David should give it a try. David just assumes it is
stress from the move and assures her that he will be okay. But Kate says she is
going crazy too, which David doesn’t mind. They both wonder how they can get
their minds off this so….they have sex.
Oh
wait….I do have one joke.
Oh really?
Yeah
really.
The
Horny Owl Is Gonna Have A Lot Of Work With This Film
Oh, come on!
Don’t
worry…The Horny Owl has it in his contract that he can only be used once per
induction.
Kate
tells him about Dr. Welby, who is a sex therapist, hypnotist, and part-time
baby sitter. Umm…I don’t think he needs that. And a sex therapist and
hypnotist, I wouldn’t trust that person near my kids (especially if this Dr.
Welby accidentally double-books). Kate says he promised he would try a shrink
and David says he will promise anything under the throws of passion. Kate says
he better live up to this one or no more sex from her anymore. Yeah,
David…you’re gonna have to bite the bullet on this one. So David visits Dr.
Welby the next morning, but first meets her assistant.
Hey….It’s
La CaCanya From The Previous Film.
And
they meet Dr. Welby.
I
Have A Hunch That Dr. Welby Is Gonna Have A Sex Scene. Just A Hunch…
They
go to her office.
Which
Was The Doctor’s Office From The Previous Movie.
David
talks about his nightmare and Welby makes Kate wait outside. He explains the
dream while Kate starts to drink those shots of whiskey.
Um…Last
I Checked, Shots Aren’t In Wine Glasses.
Welby
decides that David needs some sensual hypnotism.
Yeah,
She Is Banging Him.
That Wasn’t In The First Film So There Is Some
Difference In Script.
Fine…some
difference, doesn’t help that this still feels like the same film.
Meanwhile,
Kate gets drunk and decides to bang the assistant.
After
some fast forwarding…
Why the hell are you fast forwarding?
Because
I am reviewing the movie, not jerking off to it. Have you ever tried to review
a sex scene?
Why would I do that?
Why
would you indeed. Look, you could get more out of a fight scene than two people
fucking. I also have something called restraint.
Moving
on…
After
the double sex scene, Welby says that it is obvious that David is being
summoned by sensual spirits known as the Gate Keepers and she gives him their
address so he can talk to them and get this thing settled. Oh and the town is
called Breastwick, which was never mentioned in the first film. Welby also
gives David the bill, who first thought it was instructions on how to “slay the
demon”.
So
they drive to Breastwick.
It’s
Basically The Same Place As The Previous Film
But no hill sex this time.
Fine…I’ll
admit it. This isn’t completely the same film.
They
go to the same house from the past film and they are met by Julie.
Major
Gunns Reporting For Porn Duty
So
after some small pleasantries (with David knowing this is the same woman from
his nightmare), Julie takes them to the porch and asks them to wait there until
she gets her step-sisters. Oh and the stepsisters are having sex.
I
Try To Avoid The Black-Boxing, But Sadly This Film Forces Me To Do So.
Julie
goes to tell them David is here and they say they will be out in a few minutes.
Oh and outside, Kate is upset with David because the women he saw in his dreams
were not average-looking like he said they were. David tries to make the excuse
that it was dark, but since he can point out one of the women immediately, that
excuse doesn’t go far. They go inside. And the three stepsisters and couple all
meet.
The
Other Two Are Meriweather (The Blonde) And Rebecca (The Redhead)
Oh, The Sexy Rebecca Love
Which
one is that actress?
She’s the red-head
So
let me get this straight. The actress is named Rebecca Love and she is playing
Rebecca…
Not every character needs to have a different name
than who they really are and for Rebecca there…she can go by whatever name she
wants.
*Sigh*
David tries to get his wife to leave with him, but Julie says they just got
here so they should stay a little while. David then asks what this is all about
and Rebecca says their world is being threatened. David says that is an
everyday occurrence and both Rebecca and Meriweather say that it isn’t every
day the world is threatened from a being from another dimension.
In
An Early English Dub Of Dragon Ball Z, People Coming From Another Dimension Is
Not That Big A Deal. Just Means That They Are Being Wished Back To Life Thanks
To The Dragon Balls.
David
doesn’t understand and they say it is Millicent. They explain that Millicent is an evil witch
who saps a man of his sexual energy and keeps him as her slave. They also
explain that Millicent is the most powerful witch of them all and every 13
years, she tries to bridge the gap from her dimension and their own. Apparently
her mission is to mate with a mortal. Kate says to excuse her and David for a
moment. When the couple is several feet away from the stepsisters, Kate says
that these women are crazy, but David doesn’t believe so. David thinks they
need to stay or something bad will happen. Kate says if they stick around,
something worse will happen to them. David is insistent on staying as he can’t
go on with these thoughts in his head and they agree to just stay till
tomorrow.
So
they tell the stepsisters that they will stay the night and Julie leads them to
their guest bedroom. After Julie leaves, the couple thinks about enjoying some
time in the hot tub, but David immediately gets a headache that keeps him on
the bed to take a nap and it is only Kate who uses the hot tub.
While
Kate is in the hot tub, Julie and Rebecca decide to join her.
Yep….More
Black Boxing.
And
they have a three way lesbian sex scene. This ends up all being a distraction
as after Kate falls asleep.
Anyway,
Julie goes and has sex with David.
Also Dried Herself Off Very Quickly
That
night, David and Kate both talk about how nice it is up here. They are also
both tired and they are heading to bed at 8 pm. Kate wonders if they can trust
the stepsisters and David thinks they can. They both sensually kiss each other
goodnight as the three stepsisters just dance sexually.
They
also reveal through this dance that their magic gets stronger each time they
sleep with David which might mean they are evil and they may be working for
Millicent this whole time. That night, David is awoken by a genie.
Hey, It’s Nicole Sheridan In Her Genie With A Teeny
Bikini Costume.
Actually,
checking on IMDB, this film came first so that is her Witches of Breastwick 2
costume.
Really?
She
says that she is Breasteeba, a genie from the Nether Realm. She is basically
here to fill the role that Tamie Hannum did in the last film and warn David of
the stepsisters or witches, which she does. Oh and for some reason says that
Millicent is here to save the world and that the stepsisters were once her
servants, but betrayed her out of jealousy and trapped her. So that scene with
the stepsisters sexually dancing and talking about how Millicent will devour
him leaves us completely confused as to Millicent. I don’t think that should be
happening.
Of
Course She Does.
Oh
and also, his wife never wakes up no matter how loud they get, although this
time she uses magic to keep her ass asleep. Afterwards…she says that David
needs to remember that the stepsisters are evil and that Millicent is good. And
the genie returns to the Nether Realm. David wonders what is next.
The
next day, David wakes up to see that Kate is gone. He gets dressed and goes
outside, just to be met by Meriweather.
When
asked where Kate is, Meriweather says she got up early and decided to take a
walk up the hills. Meriweather tells him it is almost noon and after offering
him a drink (which he declines), she has sex with him.
So
after a few more minutes with the fast forward button, we see that Kate is
downstairs with Julie and Rebecca when David and Meriweather join them. It is
time for lunch, but Meriweather reveals that David has been marked.
Well,
That’s Not A Good Sign
Julie
reveals that David has been hexed by Breasteeba and…
That’s
No Good
Okay,
if Breasteeba’s mark is a pentagram (which is what that symbol is), that pretty
much signaling that Breasteeba is a fucking liar in that she is good. But of
course, none of these people tell him what it is so he may still believe her in
that these stepsisters are evil. Oh and they need to draw her to the Maple….they
are very vague in how they say it. They say Millicent hates it and David
doesn’t have much care for it either.
I
Think An Entire Nation Wishes You Take That Back
So
basically David needs to let Millicent mount him and the stepsisters will stab
Millicent. Rebecca has David come with him as she needs to prepare him. So she
takes him to an abandoned dock and what do you think preparing him is?
Oh dear god…Seth, I’m gonna need you to leave for a
few minutes.
Oh
dear lord, are you really gonna?
I’m afraid so.
*Sigh*
Fine…you better clean up after yourself.
Alright…I’m
back and thankfully, Porno Pete cleaned up the room so let’s continue. Oh and
Porno Pete left me a note saying that he will be gone for the rest of the
review part.
So
after that sex scene, we get a hot tub scene with Julie and Meriweather. They
talk about how they hexed David and then double-hexed Kate, which once again
makes us believe that they might be evil. So that whole Breasteeba hexing thing
might be a complete lie. Oh and Kate joins them. Now keep in mind this is not
the Jacuzzi from earlier as this just a regular tub which means they really
have to stretch to have three people in that tub.
Hey,
I Know That Tub Should Be Too Small For Three Of Us, But I’m Gonna Get In There
Anyway
So
we get another three way lesbian sex scene, but this time Meriweather replaces
Rebecca. Time to fast forward again. Oh….and somehow they use chocolate syrup
too, which is rather pointless if you are trying to take a bath.
Back
with Rebecca and David, the hex is gone. Rebecca tells him that nothing will
happen during this scene to defeat Millicent, unless he panics. Oh and yeah,
David has to screw Millicent for them to get their chance to defeat her as
Millicent is a sub-demon. Rebecca says Kate will be fine and David needs his
rest as the plan will commence at midnight. David decides to stay near the
abandoned dock while Rebecca gets prepared.
So
after a few minutes, David gets up from his place and heads back. But
Breasteeba returns and yeah, she says the same old shit about the stepsisters
being evil and all that, let’s fucking move on. Oh she balloons up breasts as a
wish for David, which we only get to see David’s reaction and hear balloon
sounds including the pop.
That
night, David wants to get out of here, but Kate says they need to stay so they
can see the thing through. So we get the set up as the women prepare the
ceremony and Kate watches on from behind a tree. Oh and Millicent appears.
And
David goes to her and the stepsisters seem confused. Um…wasn’t that part of the
freaking plan?
Oh
and the stepsisters start their attack (showing they were always the good guys)
despite the fact that David was never mounted.
Oh
and Kate uses the pole to save the day so the stepsisters were pointless.
Kate
tells David that it is finally over as everyone is happy. As the couple kisses
and the three stepsisters plan on joining in, the movie is over and credits
show up instead.
Not
much aftermath so let’s get into the final opinion and first, I have to make an
apology so Pete!!!
What’s up?
I
gotta apologize to you because this sequel is not like the first film.
I told you it…
The
first movie actually had a plot that stayed consistent. This movie, while I’m
sure you like it more as it has more spank material, completely has no
consistency. One minute the witches are good, then they are bad, then they are
good again, and so on. Everything that is said to defeat Millicent isn’t used
at all and ultimately the witches are pretty useless as the wife is the one who
defeats the big bad. It seems that Jim Wynorksi decided that he wanted more sex
scenes and that little thing called plot can go fuck itself. While you could
love the sex scenes, just skip the plot all together or you will be left
confused.
Boooooo...
Boooooo...
So
Porno Pete, show me what the next film is so we can get this summer over with.
Actually, the next film is an oldie, but an
interesting one as it is a porn movie that actually came out before the actual
movie adaptation. Instead, it is a parody of the serial so your next induction
Seth is…
