Monster Crap: September 2016

Monster Crap Inductee: Sharknado

The Film That Made The Asylum A Known Entity

2013

Wow….the summer is basically over and I’m gonna miss this summer as it was great.

Well, Except For That…

And That…

Ah Hell…This Summer Mostly Sucked.

Seriously, the only enjoyable thing of this summer was me being able to do all movies I like, but can be considered crap. I went through a 70s film, then a 80s film, then a 90s film, and then a 2000s film. So naturally, I have to end with a film from the decade we are currently in…the 2010s. And why not go back to our old pals at The Asylum.

You see, The Asylum didn’t always want to be known for just their mockbusters (which would be there for dumb people to get because they think it is a film in theaters) and they decided they want to do a completely insane film that would get them recognized, which could get them more money to do more things (and more mockbusters because there is still good money in that). Their first attempt is a film I have inducted in the past in MegaShark vs. Giant Octopus. Unfortunately, the Mega Animal franchise with a washed up 80s singer didn’t quite get to the level they wanted so I guess they saw Sharktopus (another movie I have inducted) and decided to add sharks with tornadoes called Sharknado and realizing how ridiculous it sounded, just decided that the tagline should be “Enough Said”, because what else could be said.

And since they had a deal with SyFy Channel (known for movies I induct onto this site), they would debut their Sharknado on SyFy Channel and when this film got noticed by several celebrities like Will Wheaton, the film became a must see by people who really wanted a so bad it’s good movie and for celebrity friends of the celebrities who were promoting it. And of course, you always have to have some names into your complete insanity project.

Now, before anyone gets overexcited about cameos that you see in the sequels, just remember that this film had to start somewhere so those cameos and actors, not many of them in the first one. In fact, other than the main stars, the only cameo you would get is from Robbie Rist (who voiced Michelangelo in the 80s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon and the infamous Cousin Oliver in the Brady Bunch TV show). But let’s get to the main characters.

First, we have Ian Ziering who was Steve Sanders (and Robbie Robertson) in Beverly Hills 90210. Well, since that show, Ian basically did voice acting afterwards because like most actors in that plague of 90s teen shows, their names wouldn’t get much bigger and would be the subject of conventions so you had to get work somehow without resorting to porn or crime, and Ian found his calling in voice acting, being in shows like Spider-Man, Godzilla (the one based on the crappy 98 movie where the show was actually pretty good), and of course, Biker Mice From Mars.

Then we have John Heard, who has not been able to find success since his days as the dad from Home Alone and the prick antagonist from Big.

And If You Know Me Well Enough, I Might Be Making Some Home Alone Jokes When He Shows Up.

Third we have Jason Simmons, who was on Baywatch. I’ll probably know more about him when Obscurus Lupa gets to the episodes he is in as Logan Fowler in her Baywatching videos. They are quite enjoyable.

And of course, we have the female lead……in Tara Reid.

You Might Remember Her On This Site From Alone In The Dark, Where Uwe Boll Decided It Would Be A Great Idea To Cast Her In The Role Of Archeologist

Well, since that crap of a film was made, Tara was going down a very dark road with her drinking issues, her botched plastic surgery, and her crazy romances that always have a toxic end. But thankfully for her, she was a name during her 15 Minutes of Fame so they were able to get her to be in this film.

And everyone else were just people from shows that I don’t know of or people that were in other Asylum movies so let’s get to the movie itself.

We begin this movie with the sharks being chased by the tornado.

Tornado Is Probably Telling The Sharks “Come On, I Need Your Help For A Wonderful Idea I Have Come Up With So Stop Running”

As the tornado is picking up the sharks, we get our opening title sequence.

Tornado: Oops...My Bad

We then go to a boat.

Nope…No Lonely Island Or T-Pain On This Boat

It’s instead a bunch of fisherman doing the reprehensible act of shark finning, which is basically catching sharks, taking off their fins, and throwing them back in the water. It is an environmental issue that has destroyed shark numbers over the last few years and it is all because people in China think Shark Fin Soup will help them in the bedroom.

Because I Guess Viagra Is Too Expensive For Them

So the asshole Captain of this vessel named Carlos Santiago serves a Chinese gentlemen named Palmer (very unusual name).

Palmer tries the soup and says that while it is good, it isn’t great. Palmer says his associates and him are willing to negotiate a reasonable price in $100,000. Santiago laughs at this offer and stabs the table before saying he wants a million for the entire take and not a penny less. Palmer says that it is a steep price for a small catch and Santiago says that they usually catch 25,000 sharks…which will make this million dollar investment rather small in contrast. Palmer then tries to negotiate $500,000 and Santiago pulls out a gun. After that threat, Palmer says they have a deal with one million dollars. Suddenly, the storm starts getting rough for this crew and the captain is called up. He tells the crew to go through the storm as he is rather gutsy and when he goes back down…he notices that Palmer and the cash he had is gone.

Outside, sharks start dropping in on the crew and killing them.

Or One Guy As We Really Don’t See The Deaths Of Anyone Else At The Moment (And You Might Not Even See Him In This Pic Due To The Shadows)

Santiago starts chasing Palmer as they both have guns and Santiago corners him. Palmer says there is a change of plans as he is going to just take everything. Santiago decides to shoot him in the leg.

Palmer then gets eaten by a shark after dropping the money.

Santiago spits in the water and then the tornado catches the tiny ship.

We then gets to see sharks swarm all over Santiago and eat him.

We then go to the beaches of California as people are surfing and having fun.

We then meet our two main male characters in Fin Shepard and Baz Hogan.

Yep…our main character’s name is Fin Shepard. Get it? Because he will shepherd people to safety and sharks have fins. Yeah, it is rather lame.

But At Least It Isn’t Cypher Rage

Fin decides to do some surfing while Baz rides on his jet ski.

So as the clouds start coming in, people for some reason still decide to stay around like morons. Baz tells Fin to get on the jet ski so they can go back towards land because at least they are smart to know that if you see storm clouds forming, you might want to get out of the water.

Meanwhile at Fin’s bar (named Fin), we see a woman named Nova Clarke in a bikini.

Okay, In Defense Of The Obvious Titillation There, It Does Show A Scar That Nova Has, Which Will Play Into The Story Later.

At the bar, watches the news of Hurricane David’s arrival next to a drunk named George who has his favorite bar stool.

Hi Mr. McCallister. I See Dealing With Kevin And That House Full Of Extended Family Members Caused You To Run Away And Get Drunk In California.

And make that my one Home Alone joke I make. Nova is worried that her boss Fin is out there, but George tells her not to worry about him as he is the best surfer he has ever seen. He says he was better in his prime, but when Nova asks if it was the Civil War, George reveals that he isn’t that old and tries to grab Nova’s ass. Nova grabs his hand and she has told him a lot of times that he can touch everything at this bar, except for her. She then knocks over his drink.

She gives him another drink on the house and George asks about the scar. She says there is nothing to talk about with the scar as she cut herself shaving. The news says that the good news about the hurricane is that it has driven away the recent influx of sharks in the area. Both George and Nova are glad for that with Nova having a particular dislike for sharks.

Back at the beach, a certain female Asian surfer (who Fin had been ogling) decides this is the best time to go swimming and of course, challenges Fin by calling him an old timer, not knowing that this is Master Surfer Fin Shepard.

They then surf as we see her being surprised that Fin is good as a surfer. The woman cheats and pushes Fin off his surfboard.

Of course, karma is a bitch as a shark jumps up and kills the female surfer.

This female surfer’s death causes nobody to get off the beach and even as Fin tells people to run, they don’t listen. After all, these are people who stay on the beach as a fucking hurricane comes at them so why would sharks do anything different. Well, that changes when another guy gets attacked and has to take a Ric Flair flop because of it.

Wooooo!!!!

People start running in and sharks start killing and maiming multiple people.

Or This Dude Gets Knocked Off The Stairs Because Other People Are Going The Wrong Way

Baz goes to save Fin and unfortunately, Baz gets a shark bite injury for his efforts.

Fin uses his surfboard to knock the shark off Baz and gets on, leaving his surfboard behind. During the ride, we get this bit of dialogue.

Baz: These sharks of yours have no etiquette.

Fin: Etiquette? I thought you were Australian, not British.

Baz: Tasmanian, buddy.

So Does Baz Know Any Tasmanian Devils? Maybe A Gigantic One Could Be The Cause Of These Tornadoes That We Saw Earlier.

Nova heads towards them and gives a lifeguard a tourniquet to fix Baz.

That Of Course Being Her Skirt.

We also get another joke between the two.

Baz: I guess the shark wanted a snack

Fin: Sharks don’t like vegemite

Baz: It’s not funny.

We also see other people’s injuries.

Hey, Trust Me. My Leg's Gone And Not Buried In The Sand

Back at the bar with it being a sunny day.

Yeah. Let’s Get This One Out Of The Way Early As Far As Consistency Goes. This Hurricane Pops In And Out Whenever The Plot Calls For It. One Shot It Is Extremely Terrible, The Next Shot It Is Fine, And Then The Next Shot After That, It Goes Back To Being Completely Terrible. This Storm Really Is Bipolar.

Yeah, at the bar, Baz tells some insane story about the shark being afraid of Fin because he is a surf legend and we learn Fin’s real name is Finlay.

That Is The Face Of Someone Who Loves To Fight Sharks

George of course doesn’t believe this story because this story must be hard to believe for a guy who probably sees pink elephants.

Laugh All You Want, But Those Bastards Are Terrifying.

George wonders if they are going to go back out there to do any swimming and Fin says no to that idea. Fin keeps telling them that it is just the storm and they’ll go back to where they came from afterwards. Nova is just happy Fin is okay and tries to kiss Fin, but Fin tells her no as he is her boss. Yes, Fin Shepard is the one boss who is like “I’m your boss, don’t try to hit on me. Just get back to work.” Baz tries to hit on her, but she ignores him. George says there must be some daddy issues with Nova and she smacks him in the back. He says he isn’t judging as he has daddy issues too. Baz and George toast to issues.

The news then says Hurricane David is about to be the first hurricane to hit the state of California, which is kind of true in the fact that if it hits still as a hurricane and not a tropical storm or remnants of a hurricane (which in this film it is). Oh and experts say that global warming is the reason for this.

Damn Global Warming

And just as the news ends, Fin looks out the window and sees that a flood might just be sneaking up on their asses.

Damn That Crafty Flood Water Of The Pacific Ocean

Fin goes to call some women named April Wexler to warn her of the incoming hurricane.

Hi Tara Reid

He just wants to check on them, but April thinks this is about money. He recommends they get out of town, but April says no and hangs up on him. Oh and we learn that April has a daughter named Claudia and a boyfriend named Collin. When Nova asks who that was, Fin reveals that was his wife as yeah, Fin is married.

Fin looks outside and reveals that he is closing the restaurant so they can all go home.

Um…Those Waters Say They Aint Going Anywhere.

Wait….How The Hell Did The Water Go Down That Quick Unless….Oh No….Tidal Wave Is Coming So Definitely Get Out Of There.

Well, Too Late

Yep, the window breaks and sharks come flying in the bar. One shark is about to eat a woman and Nova kills the thing with a pool cue.

Baz reveals that for an environmentalist, Nova sure does hate sharks. Fin says they have firepower behind the bar so they go to get armed. He also says grab anything they can find as weapons so George grabs his bar stool.

George, You Lovable Old Drunk

The winds increase their strength and the waves are crashing with heavy force. And one shark tries to kill Nova and she cant get her shotgun to work, but she is saved by George.

Sharks Better Run From The Power Of George And His Bar Stool

Baz deals with a shark too by shoving a tank down its mouth.

Fin shoots it after getting Baz out of the way and kills the shark.

And with the obvious reference as to how they killed the shark in the first Jaws movie out of the way, Baz then says that is what the shark gets for trying to eat him. The wind gets so strong that it knocks off the Ferris wheel and that starts to roll towards people.

For The Person Who Watched Raiders Of The Lost Ark And Said, “You Know What? We Need More Than A Damn Boulder”.

Of course instead of moving to the side like any sane person would do, these people run forward and some might be a little shocked when the Ferris wheel runs them over.

Like This Dumbass

The Ferris wheel’s terror ends as it crashes into a building.

Which Probably Killed More People Who Were Too Dumb To Evacuate When A Hurricane With Strong Waves Is Coming At Them

And then it suddenly gets nice again.

What Hurricane?

Oh and even better, the news reveals that the storm is gone so movie over, right? No…like I said earlier, this is a bipolar hurricane so it will come back. And sadly, Fin’s restaurant and bar is gone.

Aww…Now Where Will George Be Able To Drink And Letch At Women

They try to console Fin and tell him that they will rebuild. But Fin is more worried about his wife and daughter so despite the storm supposedly being gone, he goes to get them out of their home and bring them with him to safety. Baz, Nova, and George decide to go with him. And like I said with this storm, it starts raining. So they all drive through the flooded roads, because that is always a great idea.

Oh And The Floods Are So High That Sharks Can Swim Through Them, Although Cars Can Still Drive Through Them

No Street Sharks? Totally Not Jawesome

Oh and this vehicle has to be like a monster truck as how else would that explain how a tiger shark gets under the damn vehicle. They realize they need to get to higher ground and George reveals a way to do so with ease. As everyone looks at him in amazement, George reveals that he lives in Beverly Hills and yes, he does drive a large distance to get to Fin’s place because he really likes the view and he loves his chair (the bar stool that he brought with him).

Traffic gets heavy and one guy yells at them about it being a little rain as this traffic jam somehow is not flooded enough to have the sharks swim under them. That changes as water from a higher road comes in towards them and the sharks start feasting. Fin just can’t sit back and watch the dumbasses get eaten so he gets out of the car to help them. Everyone else also starts getting out of the car, including George despite saying there are sharks out there.

Fin tells everyone to get to higher ground (even though that kind of is where the flood waters came from…somehow). A woman has trouble getting her dog out of the car because the door is jammed and like some people (me probably included), she won’t leave without her dog. George comes to the rescue by breaking the window with his stool and sending them to higher ground.

John Heard Using A Stool As A Weapon Is Always Fun

Unfortunately, this bravery turns out to be his downfall as a surge of water comes down on George and the sharks eat him.

Hopefully George Will Find A Bar In Heaven And His Trusty Stool With Be There For Him. Godspeed, You Old Drunk.

Fin, Nova, and Baz can only watch as we hear George’s screams while he is eaten by the sharks. Fin realizes the bloodshed is not going to stop at the coast, which gives him more reason to try to save his wife and daughter. They then get back in the car as the flood waters have gone now. Oh and Fin knows about timing waves so he knows how to get through the flood waves.

So they head to Beverly Hills and go to April’s house. We see that sharks are coming out of the drains like Sewer Sharks.

Hey…This Isn’t Solar City. Damn That Dog Meat For Giving Me Bad Directions

So they knock and April is not happy that Fin is here. She tries to get him to leave and doesn’t believe anything he is saying about the storm. She in fact calls Nova a stripper friend and to show how bad that insult is…a sewer lid pops off with a shark jumping out of it.

Teenage Mutant Ninja…

Not A Fan Of Jokes With 80s Cartoon Themes, Are You?

April sees all this and lets them in. Nova also likes to remind April that she is not a stripper. So they are in the house and we meet Fin’s daughter Claudia.

She May Not Be Happy To See Her Dad Now, But She Will Definitely Be Missing Him In That Terrible Jem & The Holograms Movie

She doesn’t want to leave with dad and then here comes Collin.

He Is A Douche.

He wants Fin and his friends to leave and even says that April is his now, despite April saying he doesn’t own her. April tells Collin not to be rude, but Collin is gonna be as rude as he wants to be. He then says when there is a bit of rain, everyone calls it the Storm of the Century.

Hey, It Is Not Storm Of The Century Unless The Storm-Ridden Town Is Also Getting Attacked By The Dollmaker From The Fox TV Series Gotham.

He then says that even if it is Storm of the Century, Beverly Hills Emergency Services are second to none. Nova reveals that there are sharks flooding the streets and looks out the back window to see that sharks are swimming in his pool.

To Be Fair To The Shark, I’m Sure It Is A Very Nice Pool

Collin thinks this is ridiculous and looks out the same back window, only for the shark to break the window, propelling the douche. Nova and Baz move to corners while April and Fin go with Claudia up the stairs. Collin gets out of the water and begs for help, but no one helps as a shark kills this man.

April and Claudia scream over his death as Fin, Baz, and Nova go to attack the shark in the blood filled waters. They then use a shelf to pin the shark to the wall.

The shark goes back underwater since this is a no win scenario even different shots have the shark closer or further away from them. Baz and Nova get on the stairs as Fin gets attacked by the shark. Nova takes care of it with a few shotgun blasts.

Fin compliments Nova with “Nice shot” and Baz choses a really bad time to make a “Looks like it is that time of the month” joke. More sharks show up and Fin tells them that they think they need to go to the desert, where it will be safe. But April tells them they need to go get Matt from flight school. Who is Matt, you ask? Well, Matt is Fin and April’s son, who Fin didn’t know was at flight school and why was Fin not told about this? Well, April and Claudia both agreed with Collin that it was none of Fin’s business anymore. Oh boy, April and Claudia…let me explain how stupid that fucking choice was to agree with Collin. My parents are going through a split right now and it is not amicable. If say my mom and I or my mom and my brother were to make a huge decision for us and not tell my dad, there would be some hell going on…especially when in this film, it has already been told that Fin has VISITATION RIGHTS!!! You don’t omit that shit from conversations no matter what your douche boyfriend says as he is not legally bound by these divorce rules. If Fin was half the douche Collin is, April would be going through more court problems and Fin may get more visitation rights because of it.

Moving on, they decide they need to get out of the house quick so how do they do that with the main floor flooded? Well, Fin is gonna distract the shark so everyone else can leave. Suddenly the group is outside with the front door not open.

How In The Blue Hell Did They Get Out?

Well, we’ll never get that answer as Fin also just pops up and tells everyone to get in the car, which is rather cramped now. They get in the car and the house gets destroyed from the inside by all the flood waters.

Remember When Collin Said Beverly Hills Emergency Services Are Second To None, I’m Sure There Is An Asterisk That Probably Says “Except For When Something Insane Happens.”

Fin tells everyone “Easy come, easy go.” Then the news radio says that the eye of Hurricane David is continuing its relentless pounding through the streets of Los Angeles, which is a lie since the eye of the storm is the area of a storm where nothing happens. When Nova asks if Fin always has that much ammo in his car, Fin responds by saying “Semper Paratus”, which means “Always Ready”. And Claudia decides to be a bitch to him saying now is not the time to say that and Fin tells her it means “to always be prepared”, which is not what it means. Script writers, if you are going to take the time to use a latin phrase, can you at least bother to actually know what it translates to?

Fin then says that he always thought it would be in an earthquake that would be the end of Los Angeles. Just be thankful it isn’t an earthquake that would be the end of Los Angeles as it only leads to a crappy movie.

Like The Previous Monster Crap Inductee, Double Dragon

Baz then goes with a lot of other ideas like a meteor shower, aliens, or a zombie attack, but he never predicted that sharks would spell the end. April tries to call Matt with her cell phone, but no service as we also are told that a tornado warning is happening, which can only mean that we are getting the titular storms. The freeways are going to be a nightmare according to Nova, but Claudia knows a shortcut.

On the freeway, Fin stops and decides that he wants to help a bus that might have kids in them. April hates this idea and says that the problem with Fin is that he seems to care more about everyone else except his own family.

Unsympathetic & Selfish Bitch…The Perfect Role For Tara Reid

But Fin says he can’t just leave them there. He says that as the water is rising, he is going to the bridge to repel down. And it turns out that Fin was right as the school bus is full of kids.

And Cousin Oliver As The Bus Driver

The bus driver tries to calm down the kids, but they hear something from the roof and freak out. But fortunately for them, it is Fin.

We also get this line between the bus driver and Fin.

Bus Driver: I reached dispatch. That’s before all the electronics went out. They said someone from 911 will be sending someone over.

Fin: Oh yeah? Wanna wait for them?

Bus Driver (after thinking about it): Hell no…

Fin: I didn’t think so. Who’s first?

For several minutes, Fin helps kids and the bus driver get on the roof. The then kids climb up over the bridge one at a time with really no issue. Fin then gets ready to help the bus driver up and asks if he is ready. The bus driver makes a joke about if a bunch of kids went up with no problem, how hard can it be. The bus driver reveals that he hates sharks and he is from Wyoming. Of course, he laughs at his own revelation that he moved here to be an actor. As he is repelled up on the rope, he yells out all the horrible things that he has to deal with being a bus driver. The bus driver gets up and when Fin goes up, a shark gets caught up on the rope.

This causes tension, but Fin cuts the rope for the shark and Fin is able to get up to safety. The weather goes back to being okay and the kids get in the back of an emergency vehicle that arrives there. But the storm comes back and the Hollywood sign gets destroyed.

Great, Now We Are In Olly Ood And That Place Is Terrible

The bus driver ducks several of the letters and makes a joke about how his mom always told him that Hollywood would kill him. Suddenly, one of the letters falls on him.

Yep….He Dead.

Unfortunately, the vehicle they are driving in wont start as its engine is flooded so they need to steal another vehicle soon. And water spouts have appeared.

Hey, That’s Cheating. This Is Sharknado, Not Shark Spout!!

We then get an overhead view of the city with sharks nicely played on helicopter landing pads. So as they drive, the weather once again becomes nice. Suddenly, something is heard landing on the roof and yes, it is what you think it is.

It’s A Shark Trying To Eat Them (And Then Probably Steal Their Ride)

After a few minutes, Nova has Fin grab the wheels so she can use her shotgun to shoot the shark off the car.

Note To Future GTA Protagonists, Don’t Try To Steal A Car That Nova Is Driving. It Won’t End Well….Especially If You Are In A Shark Suit As She Hates Sharks.

So they park under a bridge and there is a gas leak. They all run out of the vehicle and despite there being no fire of any kind…

The Vehicle Explodes Anyway

So they of course go to a liquor store.

AKA A “Taradise” For Ms. Reid….

Lord, I Apologize For That Joke

Tara tries to use the phone, but the clerk (who is somehow still there for some reason) says the phone has been down. We then get small talk between Nova and Claudia and we find out that Nova has that name because she doesn’t like the person she used to be. Claudia also sees the way Nova looks at her dad and basically tells her he is just going to break her heart just like he did to her mom.

Another news alert happens and the reporter says that some religious groups believe this is the opening to the apocalypse. The clerk definitely doesn’t believe this and reveals that it is the government causing this storm.

Okay Fin…You And Your Friends May Want To Back Away From The Crazy Paranoid Guy

Oh and the waterspouts are becoming F4s, which is thankfully not an F5.

Yeah…That Already Happened.

Oh, it has the potential to become an F5 when it touches down on land and becomes a tornado? Damn…I just used my Brock Lesnar joke. Baz then reveals that he has an idea on how to get a new vehicle because luck of all lucks, the liquor store is right across the street from…

A Car Lot For Movie Cars.

And with this being a terrible storm, they pick the perfect vehicle.

Aw Fuck Yeah!!!

So it is revealed that there was an accident on the road that they are hoping to avoid the traffic of. But, no such luck.

Traffic Sucks

April laments that they are not going to be able to get to Matt, but Baz decides he is going to break the law.

To Be Fair…What The Fuck Are The Cops Doing Creating Traffic During A Fucking Storm Like This?

So this act causes them to get chased by police.

When Claudia tells them that the cops are chasing them, Fin tells Baz to drive faster. And since this is a car used for movies, guess what this car has?

A Nitrous Button

So they press the button and lose the cops.

We then see that there is a retirement home next to an airport and when Nova asks why that is, Claudia guesses that it is because old people can’t hear. So they get to the flight school.

Meanwhile, the tornado has turned into a Sharknado.

Since the cars are still there, they surmised that Matt and the pilot trainees have not left yet. They look for them as Baz tells everyone that it is time to leave Kansas. They hear a loud noise and go to investigate.

Turns Out It Was The Flight Instructor & The Trainees

Oh And There Is Matt

They reveal the situation and the flight instructor believes none of this, except for the storm.

She Gets Sucked Away For Being An Idiot

They all hide behind the barrier that the pilot instructor was hiding everyone in as the storm sucks up planes. The tornado passes and you think this would be it, but remember what movie you are watching.

Oh And The Sun Is Out So You Definitely Know This Hurricane Is Insane

They go outside to check everything and Fin tells them that the news says that there are three tornadoes in the area so they are not safe here. They see a helicopter that wasn’t taken away by the storm and Matt goes to check to see if it can fly. After inspection, Matt reveals that the copter will fly. April says they can’t all fit in it and Fin says we can’t fly in those storms anyway. So what are they gonna do?

Fin: We’re gonna stay and fight

Excuse me? You’re going to stay and fight……..a storm. I don’t think storms are what you think they are? You can’t fight storms. You can only survive until it goes away. That’s basic science. And to make this even stupider, they decide they are going to arm themselves in the equipment room.

What?

Matt asks Nova to come with him as he has an idea. And his idea is this: they are going to make three makeshift bombs, get into the chopper, drop those bombs into the eyes of the tornadoes, and then blow them up. Yes, this trainee’s plan is to blow up wind. When Nova says this is a stupid idea, Baz explains why it is a good idea as a tornado is when cold air meets warm air, but if you can somehow equalize it, it would stop. Now, while that seems reasonable, I have legit looked it up and while theoretically it could work, you would need a bomb with the energy of an atomic bomb to even start stopping it.

Yeah, Those Arent Going To Get It Done

Fin is completely against this idea, but Matt says no one else can fly that copter solo. He then tells April his son’s crazy idea and she is also against the idea. Nova says she will watch his back and drop the bombs herself. Eventually, he gets his parents to reluctantly agree to the idea. Okay…I know I am going to need to eventually use this, but Godzilla, if you please?

Claudia is in the corner and she is unhappy. She thinks her dad and mom care more about her brother than her. Fin then tells her that is completely false and explains that he went to save her first. Yeah, this entire character is basically written that badly and honestly, I don’t think the actress is that good conveying this character, but it is an almost impossible character to sympathize with.

We then finally get the story behind Nova’s scar as Matt eventually gets her to talk about it as he also reveals his horrible scar that was caused by the fact that he fell off a slide when he was two.

Son, I Think You Are In Denial About What Really Happened. Can You Tell Me Which Parent Beat You Up????

She goes on this story about how she was raised by her grandparents and when she was seven, her grandfather took her fishing on one of those day charters with his friends. They wound up hitting into a reef and the boat went down. Her grandfather went and put her in this little raft for safety as everyone else was just swimming around, trying to stay up. Then suddenly all these sharks started swarming in and then her grandfather tried to protect her, but by morning, everyone except her was gone. She floated out there for two days until the Coast Guard helicopters spotted her. She thought she was safe, but then this shark just came up and bit her leg. So that is why she hates sharks. Matt tells her that he would hate sharks in that situation too. Basically, this is the monologue of the ultimate tragedy in a person’s life that caused that person to have the belief they do that was popularized in Gremlins with Kate Beringer. Also with the six people went into the water and only one little girl came out, they basically aped the monologue of Quint about the USS Indianapolis. But honestly, the actress who plays Nova nailed this monologue.

So here comes Baz to lighten the mood with his handmade bomb.

Yeah, That Also Won’t Work In Reality

So with everything prepared, they get to work on their plan (as the weather is once again nice).

Despite The Fact The Tornado Is Nearby

Baz takes some small stuff for himself and when asked about it, he says that in case things don’t work out, he is going to move to Plan B, which is sacrifice himself to blow up one of the tornadoes. He tells Fin to look after his family as they are a good bunch and let him do this sacrifice. Matt hugs his mother and daughter and flies the helicopter with Nova.

Godspeed You Stupid, Stupid Bastards

As Sharknado #1 passes by the helicopter, Fin starts shooting sharks out of the sky with a pistol.

Must Have Had The High Score In Dunk Hunt As A Kid

On the ground, Baz has the other pilot trainees load the truck up with explosives as the plan B. Back in the air, Nova drops the first bomb into Sharknado #1 and…

It Works…In Your Face, Legitimate Science.

Hey, That’s Not Right!!!

A shark is falling on Fin and April kicks the chainsaw over to our main hero.

Our Main Hero Just Chainsawed A Shark In Half

This Movie Has Legit Just Slapped Science In The Face

As the other two trainees are still rigging up the truck, a shark flies at one of them. The other one moves him out of the way and gets killed by the shark.

You Know, In The Later Final Destination Movies, Death Just Completely Said “Fuck It” To How It Was Gonna Kill People

A shark lands and bites Baz’s leg. Meanwhile, Fin shoots more sharks out of the sky with his pistol.

Man, We Really Need That Sharknado Shooting Game

Matt and Nova head to Sharknado #2, but unfortunately Baz’s plan doesn’t go exactly as plan as Sharknado #2 sucks him and the shark on his leg.

Goodbye Guy From Tasmania, May Those Devils Sing You To Sleep

Fin, April, Claudia, and the surviving trainee go to the retirement home to get the old people out as sharks are coming there. On the news, a reporter gets killed by a shark on air.

Or Whatever That Shadowy Object Is.

Matt and Nova get to Sharknado #2 and blow it up as well.

Two Down, One More To Go

As Fin and friends are in the parking lot, sharks fall on the other trainee.

Don’t Give Up, Man…You Can Still Make It.

Nevermind…

The retirement home old people see Sharknado #3 heading their way. Sharks start falling into the pool.

What? The Sharks Want To Swim With The Old People

The old people get saved and after dumping gasoline into the pool, Fin lights the pool on fire.

Yeah, Checked That Out And Yes, That Is Possible Due To The Chlorine

And since a Fin also threw in the gasoline can as well, there was an explosion.

It’s A Michael Bay Pool Party

The old people are shocked by all of this as Fin and his family make sure they are all okay. Matt and Nova head for Sharknado #3 and they do the same thing before.

Fire comes up from this one and hits the chopper causing only a small bit of turbulence. One old lady asks who is up on the helicopter and Fin says it is his son (ignoring Nova is also up there). The old lady responds by saying Fin must be so proud and Fin says he is. We then go back to Nova to say that it didn’t work as the bomb didn’t land right so once again, they will have to try for Sharknado #3. Matt recommends they head back to base as turbulence is picking up and they are also all out of bombs. Suddenly, a shark pops up and grabs helicopter leg.

Nova is able to get it off by stabbing it, but she also loses balance and falls. During the fall, a shark swallows her whole.

Matt screams a very bad “NOOOO!!!!” and ends up landing the chopper, although it is too busted to go back up and finish the job with Sharknado #3. Fin tells the old people to get to safety and goes to check on his son. His son reveals Nova’s fate and reveals that they need to find another way to stop Sharknado #3. Finn tells Matt to go with April and Claudia as he decides he is going to go and finish it as he is going to do Baz’s Plan B. We also get a funny scene where a shark leaves its mark on the TCL Chinese Theater’s Hollywood Walk of Fame.

Now That Shark Is Famous

Fin gets into the vehicle rigged with bombs and drives to Sharknado #3. He gets a bomb ready and jumps out of the vehicle before it gets sucked up by Sharknado #3 as well as using the Nitrous button to make sure the car gets into the center of the storm. The vehicle blows up.

And It Works As The Storm Dies So Now All We Have To Deal With Is Raining Sharks.

One Shark Destroys The Sign To The Roosevelt Hotel: Home To The First Ever Oscars, Hotel Where Many Celebrities Stayed At Back In The Day, And Site Of Some Hauntings These Days.

Claudia goes to hug her dad, but doesn’t realize that there is a shark barreling behind her, ready for a last meal.

Fin has to shove his daughter out of the way and let the shark swallow him whole, chainsaw and all.

The family screams as they believe Fin has died. But Fin is not one meal to go down quietly as he chainsaws his way out of the shark in an awesome moment.

And in a kind of bullshit moment that I will let slide (due to me liking her character)…

Fin Drags Out Nova As Well.

Yep…turns out the same shark that Fin went into was the same fish that swallowed Nova. Talk about ridiculous coincidences. But like I said, I’m willing to let that slide as she was incredibly likable. You kind of are allowed to do that with likable characters in these types of movies.

Matt gives her CPR and that is able to resuscitate Nova.

She explains how she hates sharks, Matt hugs her, and the old people smile at the sunset, leaving us with a completely happy ending as Nova reveals that her real name is Jenny and the Sharknado theme song (by a band called Quint if you haven’t gotten the humor in all of this) plays during the end credits.

Oh And Fin & April Get Back Together As Well. I Guess That Is Kind Of A Victory, Although It Meant We Would See More Tara Reid In These Movies.

And that was Sharknado and if it didn’t become the crazy social media hit that it did with everyone and their mother talking about it, this might have been one awesome single film. But of course Sharknado became the huge social media hit with a lot of love by many celebrities as Sharknado came at the perfect time where people just wanted a movie like that.

Almost everyone went on to be in the Sharknado sequels that now come out every year although Nova was not in 2 & 4, Claudia returned in 3 & 4, and Matt showed back up in 5. However, the roles of Claudia and Matt were ultimately recast as Aubrey Peeples (who played Claudia) decided “Hey, I’m Gonna Do That Jem & The Holigrams movie instead” and Charles Hittenger (who played Matt)…I don’t know why he got recast. Regardless of the small changes and additions, the Sharknado franchise shows no signs of dying and let’s be honest…that is a good thing.

Now my opinion of the film is that this movie is freaking awesome and to those who say that it isn’t because it is intentionally awesomely bad instead of unintentionally, well…normally you would be right, but for Sharknado, you really need to get to a proctologist so you can get that huge stick out of your ass. This movie aspires to have fun and when you get to know most of the people at Asylum, they don’t aspire to be royalty and just want some fun in their lives, as well as those of their viewers. Sharknado is a fun ride that allows you to completely throw your brain out the window by doing the non-sensical and looking at you if you call question to it by saying, “This is a movie about tornadoes with freaking sharks on them. You really need to relax”. So for those of you who like this site, this is definitely one to watch….if you haven’t already since I believe most of you saw it when it first came out. As the tagline says “Nuff Said”.

So thus ends a great summer of movies I enjoyed that would still be considered crap so we have to go back to normal and…

Hey Shit Hen

Yeah, of course you would be back. I won’t ask how your summer went since you probably enjoyed my misery in the sports world and just ask what movie do we have next.

Well, glad you asked. You see…I have kept track of your inductions and you are on your 150^th induction.

Oh yeah, I am and….wait, you better not have me do what I did for my 50^th.

Nah…I wasn’t here when you did Zarkorr: The Invader! to yourself and besides, I would rather go to the past as you will be inducting a continuation or past effort from your first 50 inductions and the fans chose a good one for you, going all the way back to your first year and since you just did a movie with sharks, let’s go back the FIRST shark movie you ever did.

My first shark movie? Man, that was so long ago when…oh no, don’t tell me…

Yep…although sadly you will not be seeing this in 3D.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Impact Implosion for September 22, 2016 - Aron Rex Advances

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Monster Crap Inductee: Sharknado (2013)

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