Monster Crap Inductee: Tales From The Crypt Presents Bordello Of Blood (1996)

Monster Crap Inductee: Tales From The Crypt Presents Bordello Of Blood
The Film That Killed The Tales From The Crypt Film Series

1996

Remember Tales From The Crypt?

 

Based on comics like Tales From The Crypt and other EC Comics in the 50s (when horror comics were all the rage), Tales From The Crypt was an hour long TV series that lasted on HBO for seven seasons. It was a creation executive produced by several known directors in Hollywood like Richard Donner, Robert Zemeckis, Joel Silver, and Walter Hill. The show would always be bookended by the host of the show, a puppet voiced by John Kassir known as the Crypt Keeper.

Hell, I Made A Joke About An Actress Looking Like This Guy When In The Rain In My Transmorphers Induction.

With the success of the show unfortunately, comes spin-off and I think years ago, you have seen me and Game Show Garbage’s Robert Seidelman induct the game show spin off of the show (yeah, they had one). But other spin-offs included books, a radio series, Two Fisted Tales, Perversions of Science, and of course…the one that I really shake my head at considering the content Tales From The Crypt,

Tales From The Crypt Keeper…You Know, An Animated Cartoon Of This Show…For Kids!!

Of course as is all great things, it came to an end. But unlike most great things, they already had plans to make movies with this show and they did, starting in 1995 with Tales From The Crypt Presents Demon Knight, a film that is just okay on surface. But when you see William Sandler getting to be the rare hero role (he normally played the bad guy) and doing good at it along with Billy Zane seeming to have the time of his life filming this, it is a film I enjoy. Yeah, Billy Zane seeming to have fun in a film is freaking rare as he is an actor who you can tell his opinion of the film based on his performance. If you saw my induction of Bloodrayne, you will know that along with Michael Madsen (who is worst at hiding his complete disgust with a role he is given), that Billy Zane probably didn’t give much care for the film. But it made 21 million dollars, which isn’t considered great.

A year later, we finally got Bordello of Blood, which stars Dennis Miller, who was still doing his hit HBO show and was hoping this movie would get him roles in other movies. Also in this film is Erika Eleniak who you might remember from the Dracula 3000 induction. Damn, I’m definitely making plenty of references to the past. Another person from Monster Crap past is Phil Fondacaro, who has been in Ghoulies II, Evil Bong, and Dollman vs. Demonic Toys. Other people in this are Chris Sarandon, Corey Feldman William Sadler, and the ever lovely Angie Everhart.

But like I said, this was the film that ultimately killed the Tales From The Crypt movies so let’s get into what happened.

Well, If It Isn’t My Off-On Nemesis Universal Studios Again

Well, with this being from Tales From The Crypt, we should get that GREAT opening that that has a tour of the place before showing us the Crypt Keeper rising from his coffin, laughing as the title of the show shows. So lay it on me.

What The Hell Is This?

Yep, instead of the opening Tales From The Crypt opener that we all expect and love, we are getting a prequel to the story. Well, it could be a thing different from the film where they don’t show that great opening…except that Demon Knight opened with that Tales from the Crypt opening crawl.

 

So at some place called Tierra del Fuego (which translates to Land of Fire and is actually considered one of the earliest human settlements ever by archeologists), we have a team led by Vincent going through the jungle searching for some treasure that Vincent told them all about.

Hi, Phil Fondacaro

They pass by skeletons.

Which Makes One Guy Do The Cross Hand Signals

Vincent looks at his map and one of his workers tells him that it is a good thing they didn’t tell the crew where they were going as they wouldn’t have come since the place is dangerous. He talks about a legend of a ship that got stuck here 400 years ago and talks about there having to be a big treasure for someone to go to the ends of the earth to hide it. Vincent tells him that he is a smart boy so he is going to let him have some of what they find, which the associate wants to make sure he remembers that and Vincent says he will.

They stop at a sight and start digging since the map says a cavern is three feet down from where they are digging. And then we cut to the next scene where they are in the cavern.

 

He has his associates cut the straps and open the casket, which he says will have great treasure, but it has a corpse in it.

 

The associates feel a little jipped, but Vincent is insistent that this is a great treasure and he produces a box which has four pieces of a heart.

 

He removes the slides in the box and the heart slowly comes together and he finally has the heart.

 

He puts the heart back in the corpse and while things start happening, it halts.

 

This makes the crew think this whole trip was worth nothing start turning on Vincent and are about to kill him, but the corpse finally comes alive.

 

They ask what is it and Vincent says it is Lilith and she is the mother of all vampires. Lilith then rips out the heart of one of the crew.

 

She kills every crew member except Vincent and the guy who he promised some of the treasure to. She is about to kill Vincent, but he reveals the artifact from Demon Knight.

Which Totally Is Something Different In This Film.

He says that it gives him total power over Lillith. She tries to grab it, but it burns her. Vincent then makes her a deal that if she listens to his orders, he will allow Lillith to eat the guy he promised a piece of the treasure to. She accepts and kills him with her tongue.

 

So with this prologue out of the way, we head to a mummy telling that story to the Crypt Keeper.

We Aren’t Getting That Great Tales From The Crypt Opener, Are We?

Anyway, the mummy is played by William Sadler (who was the star of Demon Knight) and he is boring the Crypt Keeper about the goings on in Hollywood as well as with this story. He then reveals that the mummy asked the Crypt Keeper to be here as they need to play a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors and with each loss, one of them loses a body part as only one should be allowed to continue in this world. The first game is played and the Crypt Keeper loses so he loses his hand.

 

The Crypt Keeper sees that he no longer has a right hand and laughs since being dead means he can’t feel much pain and the Crypt Keeper loves to laugh. He tells the audience who he calls “Kiddies” (Crypt Keeper always did that) so while they are doing this, he decides to bring us to the story called Bordello of Blood, which is actually a continuation of the mummy’s story that bored him.

 

Universal, the Crypt Keeper always loved his tales so basically showing him continuing a tale that he was bored by in the opening is completely out of character. You don’t give us the great Tales From the Crypt Opener and you are giving us a tale that not even the Crypt Keeper finds interesting, you are not off to a great start.

Anyway, we see Katherine Verdoux working on a stationary bike while listening to ramblings from an evangelical priest that we will meet later.

By The Way, Thanks For Telling Us Who Plays Her, Movie. I Would Have Not Been Able To Figure It Out On My Own…Even Though I Inducted A Movie Of Hers In The Past With Dracula 3000.

Her peaceful workout is interrupted by her brother Caleb, listening to his loud metal music, which she can hear over her stuff.

I Would Like To Add That I Have A Nephew Named Caleb And If He Ever Reads This, I Hope You Do Not Turn Out Like That Guy.

She yells at him that half the neighborhood can hear his music, which he apologizes for and turns up so the other half of the neighborhood can hear it. She turns off the music and he says thanks as he was going out anyway. She demands he tells her where he is going, but Caleb says that Catherine is his sister, not his parole officer. Catherine responds that a parole officer is exactly what he needs, which Caleb responds to by saying “Fuck You”. She doesn’t want him to go out as she feels he will just be looking for trouble. Caleb asks if she is worried that he is going to have some fun tonight or that he will be sentenced to hell, but he says he is already in hell.

 

We move to a guy with a Crypt Keeper tattoo and it is this guy who we will see more of later as he looks over at some guys playing darts.

One Of Them Being Caleb

He is playing darts with his friends while one of his friends head is in front of the dart board as some sort of courage thing. One of the friends offers to pay Caleb to hit the friend on the dart board in the nuts, the guy on the dart board counter offers and we have bid off where ultimately the guy on the dart board wins with $16, but Caleb still hits him in the nuts anyway, saying his hand slipped.

 

The waitress named gives them beers and wishes they would stop playing that game since it is disgusting. Caleb then tries to hit on Louise, who is obviously meant to be not pretty. Louise turns him down, saying he is too young for her and says that she would think about it when he grows some hair around his nuts. They toast to getting laid and then the dude with the Crypt Keeper comes in.

 

Couldn’t have said it any better myself, Christopher Walken. This guy overacts like hell. He tells the guys about a brothel underneath a funeral home that you can get into if you ask for the Cunningham Wake. He basically says this is the type of sex that they don’t even have names for. Two of the guys pass on this idea, but Caleb and the friend he hit in the nuts go for it. They knock on the door and it is answered by Mr. Deltoid from A Clockwork Orange.

 

They talk about looking for the Cunningham wake and the funeral director (named McCutcheon) leads them to a coffin.

 

They think about going home, but McCutcheon pulls a gun on them.

 

He forces them in the coffin and closes the door and having a conveyor belt move the coffin into what looks like an oven.

 

It looks like these two are going to be ashes to ashes, but the oven is a trick and instead they are thrown into a hole which leads them to the brothel.

 

They are greeted by a naked woman whose face I will only show even though the first thing they see are her tits.

Can’t Show Boobs, Guys. Sorry…

They are then greeted by this black chick. She takes Caleb’s friend away for a private session with her. Meanwhile, Caleb is taken away by Patrice, who wants to fuck fast and she wants it dirty. Caleb’s friend makes out with the black chick.

Guess He Never Noticed The Easy To Spot Holes On Her Neck. They Aren’t Even Trying With Those.

Suddenly, Lilith comes in.

She reveals that she runs this place and while her girls get the boys hot and ready, she is there to finish them off. The friend makes out with Lilith, but Lilith’s tongue goes down his throat and rips out his heart, which she eats, all the while say to this gentleman to not eat his heart out as that is her job.

 

Caleb is with Patrice and it is revealed that Patrice has three nipples and they are all pierced. We can easily see Patrice’s neck marks and Lillith comes asking if he is ready for a little deep throat in and it cuts.

 

You can kind of guess he is dead, but they never show it so he might be alive. We then cut to Katherine, who is at the police station, trying to file a report about her missing brother, but the deputy says they are swamped my missing people reports so there isn’t much they can do. She is not happy about this, but in walks a private detective named Rafe Guttman who offers to help find her brother.

 

Katherine says that she isn’t ready to hire someone right now, but he persuades her to at least talk about it in his offices, which is at a former theater. She explains what happened when she last saw him and Rafe doesn’t think it is much of a tip. He says he is going to need some names as well as phone numbers and addresses for those friends. He also wants a photo, which Katherine gives him. He oogles her legs before getting the photo. He says it will cost her $150 a day plus expenses and Katherine says no to this. He offers half price and she accepts. He gets a phone call and it is from his obvious ex-wife. It is revealed that Rafe is a bit of a drinker because of his ex-wife. She leaves after seeing a poster of an adult film, but Rafe says he is all that she’s got in the search for her brother.

Back at the bar, Rafe goes and interviews the two friends who didn’t go to the brothel. One of the friends, named Zeke, says he doesn’t know anyone named Caleb and is basically a jerk to Rafe. Rafe then decides to play mind games with Zeke and tells him that he is about to make a bad shot at the pool table, which he does and completely embarrasses him in front of the ladies he is trying to impress. He finally reveals that Caleb and the other friend, who we finally find out is named Reggie (not that it matters since Reggie is no longer in the film), went to get laid. Rafe then talks to the other friend who is alive, who reveals they went to a whore house.

He goes to the funeral home and watches a funeral. There, he notices the crazy guy from earlier putting sun block on and talking to himself. McCutcheon cries as he delivers the eulogy and the pallbearers carry away the coffin, which given their struggles to do so means the woman was obese. Rafe makes a joke about her being a heavyweight in secret.

We then head to the Current World Mega Church.

 

We hear a sermon from Reverend Jim Current, who delivers a sermon and then rocks on his guitar.

He Rocks Hard For The Lord

The sermon is a great success, even though there was a teleprompter delay. Current tells Katherine, who works as his assistant, that if the teleprompter does that again, he will be fired. We also see here that Vincent from the prologue also works for Rev. Current. Rafe interrupts and speaks to Katherine, saying that Caleb’s friends said he went to some brothel, but he wants to investigate more because he isn’t too sure about this brothel, but Katherine says she will be paying for Rafe’s time because if Caleb went to a whorehouse, she doesn’t want to know any more about it.

Rafe talks about this whole thing being done before he wants to finish his investigation. He admits that he found Katherine extremely attractive. The bartender jokes about him converting, but Rafe says that the old time religion and sex don’t work with him. That word “sex” sets off that strange guy who tells Rafe about the brothel at the funeral home. Rafe basically leaves while telling the strange guy to loosen his headband because he is talking while he is eating a burger that is so freaking raw, that it might be still mooing.

We then go to a scene that I would rather they would have cut from this movie where McCutcheon as the mortician decides to molest the dead body of an overweight woman. He pokes her breasts like a child and cuts her open while acting turned on by doing all of this. Oh and even when there is a fart noise for no fucking reason, he says it is a lovely perfume. Thankfully, there is a knock at the door which interrupts whatever he was planning on doing next so I wouldn’t have to see it.

I Don’t Think I Would Be The Only One Who Would Feel Rather Uncomfortable With What This Face Wants To Do To A Dead Body.

The person knocking at the door is Rafe, who asks for the Cunningham Wake. However, because McCutcheon feels more in the mood to rape corpses, he is not interested in leading him to it so he just tells him to come back tomorrow, even though Rafe pleads that he needs to show his respects. But Rafe isn’t done yet as he breaks into the funeral home. Rafe overhears a woman interviewing for a position as prostitute for Lilith’s bordello at the recommendation of Vincent. Rafe continues investigating when he hears a scream from upstairs, which is obviously from the woman interviewing for the position. He hears Lilith coming down so he hides. Lilith starts to smell something that interests her, but then she sniffs her armpits and is repulsed.

Forget That Other Smell, I Really Need To Put On Some Damn Deodorant.

Rafe then decides to visit the nude corpses that thankfully McCutcheon isn’t fucking. There he finds a skull piercing that is obviously from Caleb.

A Clue!!!

Great…Now I Want To Either Play The Clue Board Game Or Watch The Funny Clue Movie

Rafe goes back to Katherine, who is talking with Rev. Current about The Lord’s Shopping Network. Katherine is rather annoyed that he is still bothering her. The Reverend says that Rafe’s job was done so if he doesn’t leave, he will be forced to have him remove. Rafe laughs it off and just gives Katherine the piercing that he found before leaving. She stops him before he leaves, asking where he found it. He tells her where he found it and about what is going on with this bordello/mortuary and Katherine wants to call the police about this. Rafe says he thought she was done with him, but Katherine tells him to continue the investigation into her brother’s disappearance.

That night, as he is staking out the mortuary, he spies the crazy eyed biker guy riding by and he wants to talk to him. He tries to talk to the biker as he bangs on the door and McCutcheon answers. Obviously seeing Rafe, he ignores biker guy and leads Rafe to the coffin room, which leads to the bordello. He goes to the bordello and is met by the woman who was interviewing with Lilith earlier as she is obviously one of the vampiric prostitutes.

 

She asks if he knows where he has landed and he responses by thinking this is Larry Flynt’s id. She laughs at the joke as we see Lilith eating a heart, but being disgusted that this is the heart of a vegetarian as she hates vegetarians so he gives the heart to Patrice to finish off. McCutcheon comes in and tells Lilith that they have a problem upstairs. We go back to the interviewee and Rafe as she leads him to a room. Lilith sees Rafe pass by and she is very intrigued.

Oh, I So Want To Jump His Bones And Eat His Heart

Lilith meets with the biker who we learn is Mr. Jenkins. She asks what Jenkins’ problem is and Jenkins says that he can’t take it anymore. She says the process of not being completely undead while having to wear sunscreen hurts. Lilith calls him a big baby before ripping his head off.

Okay…I See The Human Resources Department Rather Sucks. I’ll Pass On This Job

Lilith says that she loves a man who gives her head and then lets her keep it. We then see that woman that Rafe was following, lead him to a dungeon room where we learn she is a dominatrix. Rafe cracks a joke yelling, “Lucy, I’m Home!” We learn that the woman’s name is Tamara.

 

Rafe also makes a joke about her attire (the one under the robe that I really can’t show you for reasons you can obviously guess) and says that he almost wore that tonight and while asking her how this strap works, tricks her into restraining herself so he can continue his investigation and not turn into whatever happens to the poor saps that are okay with this stuff. But of course, he drops his wallet.

Oopsies…

Rafe escapes the bordello by going the same way he came in (even though no one notices him leaving). He is about to leave through the front door, but he hears footsteps from upstairs so he hides in a coffin. McCutcheon thinks he hears something, but after a second, just ignores it and passes by. After Rafe gets out of the coffin he was hiding in, he makes the discovery that the coffin he was hiding in also had a body in it as well.

Some People Just Don’t Understand The Idea Of A Casket Being Occupied.

Lilith frees Tamara from her own device and finds the wallet.

Oh, He Left His Credit Cards Behind….I Am So Going To Max The Hell Out Of These Cards With Material Goods.

Tamara apologizes for getting trapped and says there was something about him that just caused her to not have very good judgment. Lilith tastes some of the blood on her fingers.

Oooh…..I Like Where This Is Going.

Dammit, Pete…it doesn’t go where you think it is going. She just wanted to taste that blood on her fingers.

Drats…What Kind Of Brothel Is This Without A Little Lesbian Action.

This is a Tales From The Crypt film, not a porno. The MPAA would never allow your idea of entertainment to be rated R.

The MPAA are a bunch of prudes.

That may be very true, but this is not one of your inductions. The fans won this summer so get out of here.

Fine…I Have Some Interesting Porn Films To Watch Like A Wet Dream On Elm Street.

I…..I have nothing. Back to the film, she forgives Tamara for her mistake because the man who tricked her has a specific rare blood type that is considered exquisite to vampires. Lilith reveals she hasn’t tastes this blood since Ivan The Terrible. She tells Tamara that they have to keep this one alive.

Rafe goes back to his desk and gets his gun loaded when Lilith shows up.

 

Lilith introduces herself and gives him back his wallet while trying to make out with him, but she isn’t exactly Rafe’s type. She asks what Rafe’s type is and starts guessing.

Sadly, This Cheerleader Isn’t Interesting To Him, Even If She Says He Can Watch Her Masturbate

Then She Dresses As Marilyn Monroe, Which Personally She Should Go Back To The Cheerleader Attire.

Then She Appears As Katherine And Rafe Is Definitely Interested.

But all of this foreplay is interrupted by the real Katherine showing up and getting the wrong idea. Katherine then goes to the cops while Rafe follows. There we see the sheriff being the kind of guy you probably wouldn’t trust with this info.

 

We learn that Rafe’s Private Investigator license was suspended almost a year ago, something Katherine never knew of. But Rafe is persistent leads the sheriff and Katherine to the mortuary where they barge in. McCutcheon acts like he doesn’t understand any of this. He tries to show the casket escape, but obviously it was changed so Rafe just burned a real casket.

Oops…

We find out that the coffin cost McCutcheon more than $1,000 and the sheriff leaves, apologizing to the funeral director/mortician for what happened. McCutcheon lies about Rafe being thrown out after trying to get laid with two women who were stoned out of their minds. Rafe calls him a liar, but Katherine stomps on Rafe’s foot and leaves in anger. As Rafe leaves, we see Vincent and Lilith look on.

 

Vincent asks if Lilith wants him to kill Rafe, but Lilith says no. She then wants to talk to Vincent about this arrangement they have with Reverend Current. Apparently, Lilith and her prostitutes kill people and sell their vehicles, with the money going to charity. She thinks this is a terrible deal and believes they should have some of the money for themselves. She says she will make it all happen if he gives her the key.

We then move to Vincent speaking with Rev. Current in hopes of renegotiating their deal. Vincent also gives Current the key which he locks into a vault. Current is insulted with the asking for a little more money and intimidates him into leaving.

We then transition to a practice for the big Current Worlds Ministries Show.

 

We then see that there will be a fake Satan that Current will defeat with the power of Rock & Roll Gospel.

And A Giant Laser

In this practice, the laser misfires and nearly hits Rev. Current.

Current is rather furious over this accident that nearly wounds him or worse. He is even more pissed that it hit and screwed up his guitar.

 

He complains about everything to Katherine and Katherine asks to make a documentary about lust so she can warn people about the evils out there that peddle it like strip joints, dirty magazines, pornography, and bordellos. Current puts his hand on her shoulder and says that all he can say is that she is an honorable Christian soul.

Rafe continues his investigation by spying on a burial while reading a paper about this person being killed by a flesh eating bacteria.

Why Aren’t We Seeing A Film About This?

He thinks something is wrong with this so he breaks into the crypt that keeps this coffin. Meanwhile, Vincent passes by Current as he is reading the paper and goes to the elevator. Current goes into his room to realize that his vault has been cracked and the key stolen.

 

Reverend Current heads into a strip club in disguise.

I Really Can’t Show You What He Is Looking At. I’ll Just Say These Are Nude Strippers That Are Soaked In What I Think Is Water, But I Can't Be Sure. 

He of course meets with Lilith and Vincent, who are obviously there scouting out talent for the bordello and want to expand with places like these.

Rev. Current Here Really Looks Like The Unabomber Drawing Here So He Really Isn't Being Inconspicuous.

Current demands to know what is going on, but Lilith says that she is in control now. He calls her a harlot as well as a few other words, which Lilith responds to saying he isn’t so bad himself. Current reveals that they are doing the lord’s work, not feeding Lilith’s evil and perverted desires. Katherine comes in with a camera wanting to know about the reason these people come here. Vincent and Current see this and get the hell out of dodge. Katherine sees Lilith and on camera, tells her that she is a sex maniac and needs professional help. Of course, someone comes in and takes the camera since they weren’t invited.

Back to Rafe and his crypt invasion, he opens the casket that was just put there and…

Finds Jenkins Body Also Put In That Coffin So No One Would Look For Him There.

He takes a picture of the bodies before we cut back to Current and Vincent in the alley. Current still demands Vincent gives him back the key. Lilith grabs Current and restrains him so he can watch as Vincent destroys the key.

 

Okay, let’s get to the problem with this whole chain of command. In the beginning, we saw Vincent be bossy and allow his minions to be killed for the treasure that he states he has been looking everywhere for. Then somehow he becomes subservient and intimidated by Rev. Current into using his acquisition to give money to charity, even though he has the power to control Lilith for his own gain and not the gain of this preacher. There is no explanation at all about how this happened or any reason why this chain of command came to being. So yeah, now that Lilith is in control, she refuses to kill Vincent or Current despite them being in control of her with that key and her being this queen of vampires and stuff. Instead, she would rather let Current watch as everything around him suffers.

We then cut to Rafe coming out a One Hour Photo shop.

More Believable For A Private Detective Who Doesn’t Have A License To Come Into One Of These Than A Model Who Is Trying Out For Victoria’s Secret.

Rafe is disturbed that every picture he has taken of Jenkins’ corpse, Jenkins isn’t in the picture. Rafe goes to Katherine who is in the editing room and says that he is starting to believe that they might be dealing with vampires, which Katherine laughs off. However, her disbelief disappears when the footage of her talking to Lilith shows that Lilith isn’t there. She also sees that Rev. Current is at the strip club, which is a huge scandal.

Boy Would TMZ Love That Footage Of An Evangelical At A Strip Club

She goes to Rafe with the footage and the private detective tells her that she should never trust any man of god with an erection. Katherine gets a phone call from Caleb who says he needs her help as he is in trouble.

 

And yes, he tells them to come to an old power plant, which even Rafe finds suspicious, but Katherine doesn’t. Oh and Rafe does say he feels like he is in a bad Tales From The Crypt episode. Yeah, we don’t need that kind of third wall breaking here, unless you look at the camera when saying that. Then we get the revelation that this was all a trap and Caleb is a vampire.

 

Rafe shoots him, but after a minute…it is revealed that the bullets do no good. They run, but they arrive at a dead end. Katherine finds chains and swings over a gap to the other side. Rafe does the same thing, but he breaks through a window, knocking his ass out, and he falls on the sheriff’s car.

 

Meanwhile, Katherine gets chloroformed and taken by McCutcheon and Vincent.

 

Rafe wakes up in the hospital and the sheriff wonders what he was doing at the abandoned power plant crashing through a window. He tries to explain what is going on, but the sheriff refuses to believe him. A nurse comes in and asks the cop to help her, which he wants to do. Unfortunately, the sheriff gets killed as the nurse is Tamara.

She attacks, but Rafe sticks an IV into her forehead. He uses a machine to ram her into the wall and as she comes out, her shirt gets caught and tears a hole in the back.

 

The sunlight on the hole causes the skin the hole was protecting to act up, which kills her, as Rafe in his snarky way, asks her to remind him what happened when vampires are exposed to sunlight.

 

Oh and in the bed next to them, Whoopi Goldberg shows up in another random cameo to tell them to keep it down.

First I See You In A Cameo In The Adventures Of Rocky & Bullwinkle And Now I See You In This.

We go to Katherine being restrained on the strap from earlier that Tamara was trying to get Rafe on. Katherine pleads with her brother to let her go, but Caleb says sorry, but he can’t do that. He says he has to play by the rules and he knows how she feels as he didn’t want to be a vampire originally as well, but then after you get used to it, it’s pretty damn cool. Lilith shows up and reminds Caleb that living forever isn’t bad as well. She then tells Katherine that before they get down to business, she is going to give her a test run.

Rev. Current goes to the mortuary and wants to see Lilith. He says that since he can’t fight them, he has come to join them. Vincent comes in and says that he will be sure to tell her. Current says he wants to tell her himself, but I think everyone knows he is trying to kill her with this trick.

We then see Lilith molest Katherine.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy…

*A DVD is thrown at Porno Pete. Pete looks at the DVD.

Evil Head!!! I’ll have to see this right now!

Who the hell threw that?

Sometimes, You Have To Give Him What He Wants. He’ll Go Away.

NegaSeth? Oh great…you’re back!

Nice to see you too. Anyway, I’m back and I’m gonna have some fun torturing you when you’re done with this Summer of Fans thing. Torture your ass later…

Ugh…let’s move on.

Vincent with the gun tells Current that he guesses this is the end of a beautiful relationship, before Rafe rams his car through the front door running over McCutcheon.

 

Both Current and Vincent run while Lilith says “Oh Shit.” Vincent gets shot by Rafe.

Bye Phil…

Rafe points the gun at Current, but the reverend says he wants to destroy the vampires as much as he does and produces some stakes.

Well, That Along With Rafe Also Having A Super Soaker Of Holy Water Means They Are All Good In Fighting The Undead.

He also hands Current a water gun and he says while this may work for the other vampires, but it won’t work on Lilith. He tells her that to kill Lilith they are going to have to cut her heart into four pieces. They enter the bordello and so begins the killing.

And Because Most Of The Vampires Are Topless, All I Can Show Is Rafe And Current Looking Like They Are Having Fun.

Also This Gorey Vampire Death

Oh and all of this carnage and “Ballroom Blitz” is playing. Current wonders what they have done and Rafe assures him that they are all vampires so they can send them to hell.

Wish They Could Show Up To Destroy The Twilight Vampires

Rafe hears Caleb’s laughs and goes after him while Current goes into another room. After a few minutes, Caleb starts attacking Rafe with an axe. Unfortunately, he misses and Rafe hits him with holy water Super Soaker.

 

Caleb screams and sees the hole in his body. He then says “oh shit, this sucks” and falls dead. In the dungeon room, Current finds Katherine and goes to free her. But it turns out to be Lilith instead.

 

Rafe tries to stab her, but Lilith grabs his hand and breaks his wrist.

 

She then forces Rafe to stab himself with his broken hand.

 

Current falls down and Rafe attacks and uses the axe to chop a hole in her.

 

But all it does is cut her heart into two and he needed to cut her heart into four, which she doesn’t allow him to do as she disappears before flipping him the bird and telling him, “Fuck you.” Rafe finds a bound and gagged Katherine under the table and frees her. Rafe also mentions how pale she is and checks the neck for bite marks, which she has none. Remember that for later. Both of them are there for Current to draw his last breath. He tells them to go back to the studio and so they can tell the world.

 

They head back to the studio and Katherine directs Rafe to point the camera at her so they can reveal the existence of vampires. Suddenly, the devil model shows up. The guy at the production end gets dragged back and killed.

 

A fog envelops Katherine and Lilith confronts Rafe. Rafe tries to punch Lilith, but she blocks it. Lilith is impressed and asks if he wants to fuck. Rafe says he would father glue his testicles to a bullet train than fuck her. Lilith then handcuffs Rafe so he won’t be interfering in her fight with Katherine.

The battle begins with Lilith slapping Katherine and that force flies her elsewhere. Rafe notices the laser and that he can set it up, even if he is handcuffed so he starts to get it ready. As Lilith continues beating up Katherine and taunts her about how she was willing to share Rafe with her, but she guess it wouldn’t work. Rafe uses his leg to get the laser in position and when he does, he shoots the laser, which hits Lilith’s back where her heart is.

 

It splits her heart into four, but Lilith is still alive in revealing that it also needs to be out of her body as well. Although it does turn Lilith ugly again.

 

Lilith says they are through and she plans on killing him, even though Rafe has an idea that a vampire shrink could work for her. She says she is done talking and then reveals her plans, saying she is going to rip his dick off and then grind his balls into guacamole. But her taunts cause her undoing as she gets speared from behind by Katherine with a pitchfork.

 

This kills Lilith as her heart is now in four pieces. We see Lilith go ablaze and then be left to bones.

 

After that, the bones are burned in a furnace by a Jewish priest as he gives Katherine a box that separates the four pieces of Lilith’s heart. Rafe and Katherine leave what must be a different mortuary (since there is no hole where the front door was) and go into a car. Rafe notices what he believes is a perfume as he makes his move on Katherine, but Katherine reveals it is actually sunscreen and we see the bite mark is on her inner thigh.

 

Yep…it turns out Katherine was a vampire this whole time as she kills Rafe. All Katherine wanted was the unique blood of Rafe for herself.

 

All we can hear is Rafe’s screams as we know he is dead.

Yeah…huge problem here and a bit of inconsistency that the film does so it can do this twist. The only way Katherine could have been bitten is when Lilith had her bound in the dungeon and she was molesting her, before Rafe ran his car through the front door. I would like to go back to when Lilith did not show up on the video recording.

 

Now go back to later when Katherine does show up on the video recording.

 

Yeah, Katherine shouldn’t be on screen if she was a vampire. So sorry, film…but you kind of made a boo-boo with your own ending. So sorry, can’t buy the Katherine turn there even if you set it up in many other ways like Rafe finding no bite marks on her neck and seeing her be pale.

We finally go back to the Crypt Keeper who finishes this story.

Sorry Kiddees, I Really Shouldn’t Have Told You That Story That Bored Me To Tears Earlier

We get more of some Crypt Keeper puns and then we find out what happened to the mummy he was talking to.

 

The mummy still wants to play, but the Crypt Keeper tells him to quit….while he is a head. The Crypt Keeper laughs and we end this film with the Tales from the Crypt ending track.

Yeah, Still Missing The Beginning, Guys.

So that was Bordello of Blood and sadly, this killed the Tales from the Crypt series. Bordello of Blood was a bomb at the box office and was received badly by critics. But if you have ever seen the third film Ritual (that was planned as a Tales from the Crypt film, then released as a standalone film in some theaters and then the Tales from the Crypt parts were put back in when in DVD), you might want to be thankful this ended it as I can easily tell you Ritual is a worse film.

Dennis Miller (who played Rafe Guttman) never became a movie star and none of the other people ever became stars too. Chris Sarandon (who played Rev. Current) was a cult star already with films like Fright Night and The Princess Bride so this film didn’t hurt his career going forward, same with Corey Feldman (who played Caleb) with his career. Erika Eleniak (who played Katherine) still did low grade horror films and Angie Everhart (who played Lilith) does some films, but has been more known for her numerous relationships as she was married to Ashley Hamilton, engaged to Sylvester Stallone and engaged to Joe Pesci. She then gave birth to a girl as a single parent and suffered from thyroid cancer (which caused her to go bankrupt in the treatment). Last year, Angie Everhart got engaged to Carl Ferro, president and co-founder of the nutrition company, Sunfare. Sadly in July of this year, Aubrey Morris (who played McCutcheon) passed away at the age of 89.

So now for my final thoughts and basically they are this. This film is bad and has problems. However, I will admit that the effects are really good and you can tell Dennis Miller is having a ton of fun with this film as he at times seems to be improving his own jokes. But the problems are that twist that I have shown has issues and some of the acting is not that good (mostly from the vampire prostitutes who are obviously there because of their bodies and the overacting of the actor who plays Jenkins). So yeah, we may ultimately need to be thankful about this series ending.

Oh, you’re done now?

Well, I was going to talk about the next induction which is for….

No, no, no, no…I get to reveal the next induction. I’m freaking back so I get to do this.

O…k…so please say what the next induction is, please.

The next film that you will suffer through is a film from the late great who changed the questions when you had the answers. And this shouldn’t be too hard for you as it came out last year.

Yep….Pro Wrestlers Fighting Zombies.