Monster Crap
Inductee: Alien vs. Predator: Requiem
Who Wins? We Don’t Know Because It Is Hard To See
Anything.
2007
A
year before this film was ever released, I started Monster Crap and the second
induction ever was the 2004 bastardization of a great battle of two franchises
in Alien vs. Predator. For those of you who do not remember me inducting that
film, go read that induction here. But let me just basically sum it up for you.
It is present day and Charles Wayland has found a pyramid under the ice of
Antarctica which could tell that all the ancient pyramids were helped in their
building by an alien race in the Predators and we find out that these pyramids
also house the Xenomorphs who the young Predators hunted so they could be seen
as a legit hunter. Consider it a trial by fire or such. If the young unarmed
Predators won, they joined the Predator ranks and if they didn’t, well….they
had to blow themselves up and all the aliens (and also humans) with their
little nuclear device that is attached to their wrists.
My
main problems with this film was 1) it was PG-13 and 2) they made the Predators
be complete bitches so the only capable hunter is a human female (who unlike
Ripley of the Alien series, is not strong enough to carry that role). Basically
I made jokes about how she must have dated someone to get herself to look like
a badass at the expense of the Predators, who if you have seen any of the
films, could not help but be complete badasses in their hunting, even though
they would always get killed by a single human who was also a badass (except in
Predators where it took two humans to kill the one final Predator in an
ambush).
In
that review, I prayed that AVP: Requiem, which was already announced and had a
trailer out for it when I did the induction, would be better. Well, way more
than 100 inductions later, we finally induct the sequel to the much hated Alien
Vs. Predator. But let’s get to the making of this film.
The
directors of this film would not be Paul W.S. Anderson (because he completely
had no idea how to do the first one) and would be in the hands of the Brothers
Strause who had never directed a single thing and were only special effects
guys. Even though like I said Paul WS Anderson screwed the pooch on the first
one, getting two guys who had only directed music videos to direct this…..was a
huge downgrade. But the good news is this film would be R-Rated. The cast they
got was Steven Pasquale (who played one of David’s gay lovers in Six Feet
Under), Reiko Aylesworth (who played Michelle Dessler in Seasons 2-5 of 24),
Joe Ortiz (who was in Carlito’s Way, Ransom, Amistad, and the film version of
Miami Vice), Ariel Gade (who was the little girl in the Dark Water remake), Rainbow
Sun Francks (who played Lt. Aiden Ford in Stargate Atlantis) and Robert Joy
(who played Dr. Sid Hammerlock in CSI: NY).
So
considering I had to actually look up all these people and considering the last
person I talked about who made music videos before getting a franchise film to
be their first film was Samuel Bayer of the horrible Nightmare on Elm Street
remake, this film is not in the best of hands. But let’s get some déjà vu going
and induct this crap.
We
begin this film with a bunch of Predator symbols from their bomb devices, which
ultimately translate into the title.
And
The Title Is About To Explode And Blind Us All!!!
We
then go to where the last movie left off with the Predator ship leaving and the
last dead Predator from the last film having a chest burster come out of him.
So
then we get a CGI scene that were actually cut from the theatrical cut, but was
put back into the film in the Director’s Cut (the version that is on DVD). I
don’t understand why it was put it, but basically…it is the mother ship sending
another scout ship to Earth. Then as the scout ship is heading back to Earth,
we get to see that the now grown Predator-Xenomorph hybrid has hitched a ride
on the ship and is attacking the Predator crew.
Get
Used To The Having Trouble Seeing Things Because This Film’s Lighting
Completely Sucks Monkey Balls
More
Predators get killed and they are trying to stop what is killing them, which
fails as the ship ultimately comes crashing down to Earth as a father and son
are hunting.
In
All Actuality Here, The Original Script That Was Written For This Treatment
Actually Had The Predator-Xenomorph Hybrid That Was Sequel-Baited In The Last
Film, Die In The Crash And Have A Bunch Of Face-Huggers That Were Also On The
Ship Be The Monsters Here. However, The Two Directing Brothers Like The Hybrid
So Much, That They Said “Fuck That Shit” And Kept The Damn Monster Alive. There
Are Not Many Things You Can Thank These Directors For, But Keeping The Hybrid,
Which Is Going To Be Called A PredAlien (Which They Named Chet After Bill
Paxton’s Character In Weird Science) Alive Is One Of Them.
The
father and son duo, being redneck idiots, decide to investigate because calling
someone to investigate was not in their mind’s wheelhouse. Oh and just so you
know, this is supposed to be in Colorado (although most of the film was shot in
Vancouver).
You
Can Kind Of Guess Darwin Award Winners Here.
Meanwhile,
as we see face huggers escape from their containments, we see the final
Predator left from this scout ship get killed by the PredAlien, just as the
Predator was setting up the bomb.
The
father and son duo finally decide to go tell the sheriff about what they found
instead of you know, telling him something crashed. But unfortunately, they get
attacked by facehuggers. The Father shoots the first one, but its acidic blood
gets on his arm, which causes him to lose it.
As
he sees his once attached arm, another facehugger latches onto his face.
Then
a facehugger gets the kid.
At
the Predator home world (the only time I believe we get to see this), a Predator
is told about the crash so he gets his gear and goes to take care of it.
And
This Predator Is Sitting On His Thrown Like A Boss
Enjoy
The Only Time You Will Ever See The Predator Homeworld Because It Is Expensive
As Hell To Do.
Back
in Colorado (Gunnison, Colorado to be exact), we see the sheriff named Eddie
Morales waiting for a bus to arrive.
Oh
Man, Maybe If I Am Sneaky Enough…I Can Get Off This Film. Wait, There Is A
Camera On Me? Dammit!
Oh
And BTW…This Greyhound Bus Says It Is Heading To Crested Butte Next. Even
Though Crested Butte Is 90 Miles North Of Gunnison, Greyhound Buses Are Not
Allowed To Drop People Off There. Hell, They Are Not Allowed To Drop People Off
In Gunnison. That’s Because Both Towns Are Contracted To Another Bus Company.
Don’t Know Why The Directors Went With Them As The Other Bus Company (Black
Hills Stage Lines, LLC) Is Probably Cheaper To Rent Than A Damn Greyhound.
The
man who comes off the bus is Dallas Howard, who has come back from prison after
serving time for well…they never say, but everyone calls him a fuck up. Dallas
talks about how he usually rode in the back and that Eddie used to be with him
a couple of those times. Eddie asks Dallas if he regret what he did (to get
into prison) and Dallas says that he doesn’t. They have small talk about
Dallas’ future and we ultimately get to when they talk about Dallas’ brother
Ricky, who we cut to in the next scene as he is a pizza delivery guy.
Oh
Boy….It’s Johnny Lewis (Half Sack From Sons Of Anarchy) In An Earlier Role. This
Is Rather Haunting To See Knowing What He Did Later In Life.
Anyway,
Ricky is bossed by his boss, Drew, who explains to Ricky that the only reason
Ricky got this job is because of his guidance counselor, who Ricky jokes is
apparently hot.
Drew
gives him an address and Ricky says he can’t go there, but Drew says he will go
there, get this delivery done, or he is fired. Considering what happens
afterwards, if Ricky told the higher ups about this…Drew might see himself in
some deep shit because he didn’t listen to Ricky when he said he couldn’t go
there.
Another
police officer goes into the woods and enters an old drainage area that leads
to the sewers. There, this officer meets a homeless guy who is crashing here.
In
Probably One Of The Few Times Why I Almost Understand Why The Lighting Is Bad,
This Was Shot At An Actual Abandoned Part Of The Sewers. I Say Almost Because
You Could Still Get More Lighting In Here.
The
homeless guy’s dog comes back with a rotting hand (the father from earlier).
The
cop calls this in because that is what you do in this situation. Ricky
goes to the house and sees Jesse, a girl he has been crushing on. After a few
minutes, he goes up to the house to deliver the pizza.
She
tells him to come in as her wallet is in the kitchen. As he comes in, we see
Jesse’s boyfriend Dale Collins and his friends who crack horrible jokes about
this being Halloween.
Ricky
comes back with an actual good joke in saying that now he knows who ordered the
Sausage Lovers. In the kitchen, we see that Jesse likes Ricky and tells him
that she is considering dumping Dale before giving him the money. As Ricky goes
back to his car, he is sucker punched by Dale, who is helped in this assault by
his friends.
As
Jesse tries in vain to stop them, Dale tells Ricky that he is never supposed to
be here and throws his keys into the sewers.
Like
I said earlier, if Ricky tells somebody that Drew forced him to go to a house
where Ricky knows Dale will beat the shit out of him for coming, Drew would be
in some deep shit for endangering his employees. No matter the case of he did
it knowingly or unknowingly, Drew didn’t even consider that there was a reason
Ricky said he couldn’t make that delivery and that’s negligence.
Sheriff
Eddie goes to the woods and sees that the car the father and son came in on is
empty. This causes Eddie to be concerned as he knows that the father goes out
with the kid for hunting and the father is probably the one whose hand was
found. Speaking of the father and son, the son wakes up from what happens
earlier and sees the face hugger dead next to him. He sees his father’s chest
is in pain and a chest burster comes out of him, which kills the dad.
The
kid’s stomach starts to hurt too and in the theatrical version, it cuts because
we know what his fate is and we don’t need to see him killed. But that wasn’t
good enough for the Brothers Strause because in the Unrated Cut, they show the
kid getting killed as the chest burster comes out of him.
You
know, in some strange way, I would almost call this Pointless Child Death as
this (as well as later deaths) is the way the aliens are in masses when they
attack. But the directors of this film in their commentary are proud of this
death and they wanted to do it so it is PCD. So to the Brothers Strause, I have
one thing to say to you as a man who has two nephews: Fuck You.
A
cab arrives and we see a soldier Kelly O’Brien has returned from overseas to
her husband Tim and daughter Molly.
Kelly
gives Molly night vision binoculars and at first, Molly seems not thrilled with
them, but Tim convinces her that these are great. Meanwhile,
Ricky tries to sneak in the house through the window, but gets caught by
Dallas, who he didn’t know was coming home today.
Ricky
tells his brother about what happens, once Dallas badgers him into telling him.
It is obvious that Ricky doesn’t have much respect for Dallas and doesn’t want
to turn into him, although Dallas is hoping for the same thing. Dallas tells
him to give him the bat and they both go over to get the keys back from the
sewers.
Elsewhere,
facehuggers go into the sewers and get the homeless guy from earlier and his
friend while the dog runs away.
A
female homeless person comes in and thinks the other two guys are holding out
on her, but she sees their body and is seen by the PredAlien, her fate
happening off-screen.
Like
I Said, If You Can’t See Most Of This….Blame The Brothers Strause, Not Me As
These Were The Best Shots I Could Get.
A
Predator ship drops the Predator off onto Earth.
Man,
It’s Fucking Dark On Earth. Thankfully, I Have This Setting So I Can See Where
The Hell I Am Going.
The
Predator enters the crashed ship and finds the other Predator that had been
killed by the PredAlien after the ship had crashed. He takes off his mask and
puts on the other Predator’s mask so he can see what the hell caused the ship
to crash. After seeing this, the Predator now knows what his mission is and activates
the dead Predator’s bomb wrist. The Predator then runs away from the explosion.
Molly
tries to play with her new night vision binoculars, but Kelly comes in and
tries to say it is bed time. Molly says she is not sleepy yet, but Tim comes in
and tells his daughter that it is bed time. Kelly is about to read Molly a
story, but Molly wants daddy to read it so she lets Tim do so as she sulks. Tim
asks his daughter if she remembers all those times she says she misses mommy
and then tells her that it is okay if you tell mom that.
Then
we get another scene that was deleted from the theatrical version and put on
this version. Unlike the last scene, this scene I am glad they put back in the
movie as it is a scene where Kelly, who had just taken a shower and is now in a
robe, talks about maybe regretting leaving the two behind. Tim says she doesn’t
need to regret that and just tells her it will take time for things to go
completely back to the way they used to be. This version really should have
been in the theatrical version as it makes the husband more of a nice guy who
really does love his wife.
Scenes
Like These At Times Are Needed In Movies, Especially Because They Make What
Happens Later That Much More Impactful
Back
in the streets, Dallas gets open the manhole cover and is about to go into the
sewer. Dallas wants Ricky to go in alone, but Ricky doesn’t want Jesse to see
him covered in shit so he coerces Dallas to come as well, although Dallas asks
if they really are going to be covered in shit.
Nope…No
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Here, Although They Would Have Been Mad Anyway
That Ricky Didn’t Bring Them Any Pizza Since He Is A Pizza Delivery Boy And
All.
In
the sewers, they do notice a couch down there and note that it is nicer than
theirs. Rats are also down here, but they are going towards them and away from
whatever they are heading to. While they are digging through shit to get the
keys, Dallas asks about Jesse. Jesse just brushes him off until they see
something and wonder what it is.
I’d
Say It Was A Chest Burster, But Given The Terrible Lighting….I Can’t 100%
Confirm That
Ricky
finds the keys and after hearing noises, they decide to get the hell out of
there. Meanwhile,
as the Eddie and Deputy Ray make plans to search for the father and son, the
father’s wife Darcy shows up and wants to know what is happening.
They
say they are looking for them and for her to go him, but Darcy’s brother shows
up with his friends and guns and says that they are looking for the father and
son too whether the sheriff likes it or not.
The
search starts and after the search has been called off, the Predator has
already found the bodies of the father and son (along with the face huggers who
are dead). But he’s not going to let the others find the bodies.
Instead,
He Is Going To Disintegrate The Bodies So No One Ever Knows What Happened To
Them Nor Sees The Face Huggers Because This Is A Clean Up Mission For The
Predator. Basically This Predator Is Going To Be Oliver North.
Without
Having To Deal With The Punishment For Destroying Evidence
Unfortunately,
he does get busted by Deputy Ray.
Unfortunately,
Ray’s walkie talkie speaks and the Predator sees him. Ray tries to make a run
for it, but the Predator kills him via his wrist blades to the back.
The
next morning, signs are being posted wanting any information as to the
whereabouts of the father and son. In the diner, Eddie is talking to Dallas and
then Ray’s wife Carrie and Eddie finds out that Ray never came home last night.
That
of course worries the sheriff and he goes back to the woods to look for Ray as
well as the father and son. Unfortunately for them, they do find Ray skinned
and hanging on a tree like the Predator did in the first Predator movie.
Hold
On!!!
As
we saw earlier, this Predator is here to just destroy evidence and yet we have
a scene here where he silenced someone, but someone made damn sure people could
find his kill. That makes no freaking sense whatsoever. Oh, but it gets better
in the directors’ commentary as they try to make some excuse for it before
ultimately saying just shut up, we wanted to do this homage to the first
Predator movie. Brothers, when you do homages to previous films, make damn sure
you do them in a way that doesn’t immediately spit in the face of the movie you
are doing now. Oh and the Strause Brothers wanted to have a scene where the
Predator was skinning him, but Fox put a stop to that, saying the scene would
be too horrific.
At
the morgue, the coroner is stunned by all of this and tells Eddie that he is
way in over his head before asking him what he is going to do. Eddie tells him
he will let him know when he figures it out. Meanwhile, the Predator is now in
the sewers and he is disintegrating bodies there as well.
As
Ricky gets ready for work, Jesse shows up. She tells him that she dumped Dale
and invites Ricky for some alone time at the pool later. Back in the sewers,
the Predator steps up booby traps for the Xenomorphs. Xenomorphs attack and
unlike the last movie, the Predator shoots the aliens into the traps with ease,
with the traps of course cutting them into pieces.
As he has two more Xenomorphs and is about to kill them, the PredAlien shows up
and knocks the Predator over.
The
PredAlien then orders the lesser Xenomorphs to the surface.
Nothing
To See Here
The
Predator goes into camo mode. Carrie gets ready to close up the diner. The cook
asks if she wants to talk and Carrie doesn’t. He even offers for her to spend
the night at him and his wife’s place, but she has other plans. The cook then
says he will see her tomorrow with a face that almost makes you think this guy
might be a bit sleazy.
They
Originally Wanted Bill Paxton To Be The Cook, But Schedules Said No.
Carrie
goes out, but she hears ruckus in the kitchen and screams from the cook so she
goes to investigate. She then sees the PredAlien acting like a Predator in
ripping off the cook’s spine along with the skull. Carrie tries to run, but a
Xenomorph blocks her escape and scares her into staying put.
There
the PredAlien sees her and attacks.
Well,
I Think He Attacks Because It Lunges At Her And We Cut To The Next Scene.
The
next scene being in Molly’s bedroom where she has decided that she is going to
use her night vision binoculars.
Then
as if we didn’t cut enough, we have to go to bar where Dallas and Eddie are
having a drink.
Eddie
tells Dallas that they found Ray’s body in the woods, skinned alive. Dallas
wonders if Eddie thinks this has something to do with the father and son disappearing.
Eddie says that he thinks this kind of thing doesn’t happen here. Dallas asks
if Eddie has told Carrie yet and Eddie shakes his head. The voice on his walkie-talkie
tells him that there is reports of a gas explosion that has caused destruction
of the road. Dallas decides to go with him as they sort this road issue.
Meanwhile,
the Predator battles Xenomorphs at a power station and of course, humans who
are just trying to do their damn job and take care of the power station get
killed.
And
We Never See The Predator Clean Up This Scene So At This Point, The Predator
Has Given Up On The “Getting Rid Of Evidence” Plan Because Fuck It, People Know
Shit Is Going Down. In Fact, He Lets Another Guy Go Who Saw The Body
The
Predator even gets injured in this fight. But he kills a few Xenomorphs
afterwards. Ultimately, it takes out power to the entire town.
So
at the pool, Jesse is waiting for Ricky and Ricky decides to come. They sneak
into to the pool area and Jesse forgets to bring her bathing suit so she
brought some lingerie instead.
They
start making out, but that gets interrupted by Dale and his friends as Dale
doesn’t take being dumped well. Dale taunts Ricky by saying he “taught this
slut everything she knows”. Ricky gets pissed so he charges at all three of
them and they all fall into the pool. Of course, they start ganging up on Ricky
in the pool and Jesse tries to stop them, saying they are going to drown him. Then
a Xenomorph breaks into the pool.
Somewhere
In My Mind, The Baywatch Theme Is Playing And I Am Picturing This Xenomorph In
A Red Bathing Suit
That
felt good doing. Anyway, everyone starts swimming out of the pool, but the
black friend (isn’t it always) of Dale gets killed in the pool.
Hey
Black Guy, The Xenomorph Is Just There To Give You Mouth To Mouth……Oh Yeah,
That Would Be A Terrible Thing To Happen.
The
rest start running out of the building and try to escape through a back window
(because the front door was too damn far). It is here where Dale’s other friend
gets killed.
The
rest, knowing his fate, run away. Eddie and Dallas get a call about the
disturbance at the power station and they head there. Back to the O’Brien
household and Molly is using the night vision binoculars to look at the
backyard and what she sees terrifies her.
Oh
No, Xenomorphs Have Invaded The Backyard. Hopefully They Are Not Here For A
Party. That Will Wake Up The Neighbors For Sure.
Molly
screams and tells her mommy and daddy about the monster she saw. Of course, the
parents don’t believe this until daddy gets attacked and killed by one of them.
Bye
Tim, You Were A Great And Understanding Husband So Of Course, The Strause
Brothers Had To Kill You Off And All.
Kelly
and Molly run out of the house and get into the car.
Or
They Just Run Into The Streets…..I Guess That Works Too.
At
the pool, the Xenomoprh drags the second dead friend and decides to eat his
brain with his tongue.
His
Tongue Must Have Been Hungry
The
Predator shows up and kills this Xenomorph.
And
of course because this Predator likes to be inconsistent as all hell, he
decides to dump all the bodies in the pool and dump acid into it, destroying
all the bodies.
Consistency
Is All Anyone Is Asking For….Well, That And Better Lighting.
At
the power station where the place is now on freaking fire, fire crews have come
out. Eddie calls dispatch to call the National Guard as they have to evacuate
the entire town. So yes, a power outage and fire to one power station means an
immediate evacuation. Jeez…in most towns, you are just told to stay in your
freaking homes and only a small portion of the houses nearby are evacuated.
This town must need their damn power or they die.
Or
Maybe Electricity Is The Only Way At Night They Keep The Morlocks From
Invading, I Don’t Know.
Ricky,
Dale, and Jesse show up to tell them that some creature has broken into the
pool and killed Dale’s friends. Eddie and Dallas go investigating the pool and
while they find no bodies, they find plenty of blood because while this
Predator does believe in cleaning up bodies (at times), cleaning blood is much
too hard. Eddie gets back to try and call dispatch for backup, but dispatch has
been disconnected.
Darcy
from earlier comes in to pick up Carrie so they can spend the night together.
She finds Carrie alive, but she is only alive for a short time as she got
impregnated by the PredAlien and the chest bursters come out of her.
Dang….The
PredAlien Must Be Very Fertile With Three Chest Bursters Coming Out Of One
Person Instead Of The Usual One Chest Buster Per Person.
Darcy
smartly runs away. Meanwhile, the Predator is bleeding on a freaking tree.
I
Only Mention This Because In The Commentary By The Effects People, They Mention
That There Was A Park Supervisor Who Was Very Anally Retentive About This One
Tree That They Put Green Blood On.
Kelly
and Molly run into a graveyard where they are halted at gunpoint by the
caretaker, who is hiding. Molly starts crying and the caretaker threatens to
shoot her if she doesn’t keep quiet so he gets his head blown off by the
Predator.
Predator
Doesn’t Like It When You Talk Mean To Kids
Eddie
is driving everyone back to the police station, even though Ricky thinks that
isn’t a hot idea. He almost runs over Darcy, but thankfully doesn’t so he can
get word that Carrie is dead. Dallas tells Eddie that they need guns and Eddie
says that the National Guard will be here soon. Dallas says that it won’t be
soon enough so Eddie relents and they break into the gun store, even if Dale
thinks this is stupid and they should just leave. Dallas comes back with this
line.
Dallas: ‘Cause we’re not
going to make it out of town without weapons, dickhead. You’re too stupid to
talk, Dale. Shut Up.
So
they enter the gun store and they take a backup generator, where Eddie says he
just needs some light. You and this whole movie, Eddie. The National Guard
finally shows up on the outskirts of town and they radio Eddie. Unfortunately,
all he can do is listen as they get massacred by the Xenomorphs.
Jesse
then says that they aren’t going to make it. They hear some noise inside, but
it is only just some employees who are willing to let them steal as $6.24 an
hour isn’t worth getting killed over.
Eddie
tells him that the town has been attacked and the white guy says that it must
be terrorists as he said to the other guy it would happen one day. Eddie asked
if they are stoned and Dallas just says for them to grab some rifles. There is
banging outside, but of course it is just Kelly and Molly wanting help with the
alien problem, but of course….everyone freaking knows bad things are happening.
We
then head to the hospital, which was according to the effects team was actually
an abandoned and apparently haunted insane asylum. A pregnant woman is brought
in and on the outside, we see the PredAlien nearby. A nurse checks on the
babies in the nursery ward and she thinks they are okay. Unfortunately, the
directors of this film decided that the PredAlien should also be in here.
I
Swear To God Brothers Strause, If You Even Think Of Having That PredAlien Kill
A Bunch Of Babies, I Will Make This The Worst Movie I Have Ever Inducted.
Thankfully,
they didn’t do that. The nurse visits with the pregnant woman in the maternity
ward and mentions they are on the emergency generators. The pregnant woman’s
water breaks so the nurse goes to find a doctor, but instead finds the
PredAlien.
I’ll
Be The Doctor!!!
Oh
And That Nurse Was Krash In 2005’s Alone In The Dark
The
PredAlien then comes to the pregnant woman.
Let’s
See Here…Yes, It Does Seem You Are Ready To Give Birth Soon.
So
the PredAlien decides instead of killing her that he will play tonsil hockey
with her and drops some stuff down her throat.
Relax
Ma’am On The Next Bed, I Am Just Giving This Woman A New Drug To Help With A
Perfect Birth. I Sadly Can Only Give This Orally So Don’t Mind That This Looks
Weird. It’s Just The Drug’s Rules….I Don’t Make Them. Besides…You’re Next On My
Charts.
Back
at the gun store, Dallas talks to Kelly about what happened over at her place. Dallas
leaves and gets attacked by the Predator. Kelly goes to find him and she does
find him hanging.
He
Is Alive This Time, But The Lighting In This Picture Won’t Tell You That.
We
hear noises of Xenomorphs which this film was more than happy not to show with
the freaking lighting. Dallas is given a gun so he can shoot himself away from
what his hanging him. A Xenomorph shows up to try and kill Dallas, but the
Predator kills it. Eddie sees this and exclaims, “Fuck”. The two dumbass
employees try to shoot at the Predator, but they get killed.
Dale
grabs the keys and tries to run away, but a Xenomorph tackles him and the Predator
shoots it, causing the acid to fall on Dale and kill him.
Everyone
else gets out, but since Dale has the keys, they can’t exactly drive out of
there.
Oh
Hi Father Malone From That Fucking Fog Remake
The
doctor notices the pregnant women’s heartrates are going up and he decides to
investigate. He
then sees the horror of these pregnant women being cocooned and then having
chest bursters coming out of them instead of normal babies.
As
the doctor backs away in horror, he is killed by the PredAlien.
This
Is Not Your Sector, Doc.
Dallas,
Kelly, Molly, Eddie, Ricky, and Jesse run into what remains of the National
Guard.
Just
Clothes
Kelly
mentions that there may be weapons and equipment they can use and sure enough,
there is. Eddie of course gets on the radio with whoever is heading this
operation. After Eddie tells them that the National Guard unit failed, he tells
them that there will be an air lift at Gilliam Circle, which is in the middle
of town.
Unfortunately,
It Is This Guy Who Is Obviously Not A Colonel. Oh And This Was Supposed To Be
Adam Baldwin Reprising His Role Of The Only Surviving Team That Wanted To Study
The Predator From Predator 2, But Adam Couldn’t Fit This Film Into His
Schedule.
They
take the vehicle that the National Guard was using (Kelly can drive because she
is in the military) and they head out. Outside of the gun store, the Predator
still hunts for the PredAlien and all the other Xenomorphs. He takes his gun
off his shoulder turns the setting so he can shoot it by hand. He also notices
the Xenomorphs crowding into the hospital so he goes there.
Kelly
stops the vehicle and when asked why, she says that the planned evacuation spot
doesn’t make any sense with it being in the middle of town, since they’ll be
surrounded by those creatures. She thinks the Colonel was lying and there is
not an evacuation plan at all. Darcy says that is crazy as the government never
lies to people. Yeah, I don't think I need to explain how many times the
government HAS lied to people. Kelly then says the army thinks about
containment first. Eddie doesn’t believe Kelly and still wants to go to Gilliam
Circle. Kelly instead wants to go to the hospital as there is a chopper there
that they can fly out of. Eddie tries to say that chopper is probably long gone
by now and they will die. Kelly just says that they will die regardless if that
has happened so they might as well take the one chance to be sure they will
survive. Darcy goes with Eddie on a truck that passes by which is heading to
Gilliam Circle while everyone else goes with Kelly. Also the pizza boss Drew
from earlier decides to ditch the group heading to Gilliam Circle and go with
Kelly’s group to the hospital. As the tank heads to the hospital, Drew
regretfully recounts how people were dying and he just hid, not helping any of
them.
The
tank arrives to the hospital and they all load up with ammo and protective gear
for whatever is in the hospital. Dallas also says that whatever happens inside,
everyone protect Kelly since she is the one who can actually fly the
helicopter. They break into the hospital and see all the dead bodies, which
causes Kelly to cover her daughter’s eyes so she doesn’t see them. The Predator
also breaks into the hospital via the front door.
I’ve
Got An Emergency Here And I Don’t Care For Your Freaking Doors!
The
Xenomorphs attack and Drew gets killed, which sadly I will not be showing you
as the only thing you get is audio of Drew dying because of the really terrible
lighting. Jesse freaks out and runs away. The PredAlien ambushes the Predator
in the Operating Room. The Predator seems to have a good grip of things and
might kill the PredAlien, but several Xenomorphs comes in to play Secret
Service and take whatever abuse the PredAlien was going to take. Unfortunately
for Jesse, she runs past the Predator who decides to cut her in half with one
of his disc things.
And
In A Extended Scene, You Get To See Her Bottom Half Fall Off. Bad Lighting
Might Cause It To Be Hard To See, But Trust Me….It Is There.
Ricky
sees the Predator and wants to get revenge. He shoots at the Predator, which
only distracts him as a Xenomorph tackles him down the elevator shaft. As
Dallas calms him down, Ricky sees the gun the Predator left behind and gives
him to Dallas. Then Ricky gets stabbed by the tail of the PredAlien, who runs
like a bitch after he does so and this only wounds Ricky.
Seriously,
This Only Wounds Ricky Where It Kills Everyone Else
The
group picks Ricky up and they head to the roof, where they find that the
chopper is still there. Dallas tries to figure out how to work the Predator gun
and eventually figures it out, realizing how effective this gun is.
At
Gilliam Circle, Eddie’s group tries to fight off the Xenomorphs that are there
as Eddie tries to get into contact with the Colonel about when that airlift is
coming. The Colonel says it will be there soon, but truthfully there will be no
airlift as we see a chart talk outlining the blast radius of the nuke they will
be dropping.
Dallas
decides that with his new gun, he can buy everyone some time and yes, Dallas
tells them to get to the chopper….because of course he does.
Dutch
Is Not Amused With You Shoehorning In That Line
Dallas
fires a few shots which kills a few Xenomorphs before the gun takes time to
reload. Dallas seems screwed, but the Predator shows up.
Finally
Reached That Top Floor
Dallas
runs away as the Predator is now here to take care of the Xenomorphs and he
kicks ass here, using a whip to cut up a few of them.
Someone
Put A Fedora On This Predator And Play Some Indiana Jones In The Background
Dallas
gets to the chopper and they fly off.
The
Predator finally fights the PredAlien and after the PredAlien gets a few shots
in, the Predator decides he has had enough and takes his mask off.
It’s
On Now.
The
two then proceed to have an epic showdown. I mean seriously, this is freaking
awesome.
The
Predator Even Rips Out The PredAlien’s Tongue
The
two stab each other afterwards. However, there has to be an end and that end
comes while the helicopter is flying off and the people at Gilliam Circle see
the plane come by to drop the nuke.
That
Moment You Realize That Yes, The Government Did Lie To You And You Are Going To
Die
So
the town gets nuked which kills everyone and everything, including the Predator
and PredAlien.
The
aftershock of the blast even effects the helicopter with the rest as it
crashes.
Oh,
But They Still Survive
They
wake up and are surrounded by military guys, demanding they turn over their
weapons.
Kelly
chastises the military for killing the entire town, but they say they were just
following orders. Ultimately, Dallas gives the head of the military the
Predator gun and the group surrenders. The surprise here is the military
decides instead to provide them with first aid instead of what they would
normally do and just kill them for knowing too much. The directors originally thought
killing them would be a good idea, but decided this film didn’t need that much
of a downer ending so they live.
Later,
“Colonel Stevens” has a suitcase, which has the Predator gun and gives it to
Ms. Y (aka Ms. Yutani.
Played
By Francoise Yip AKA That Woman In Uwe Boll’s Alone In The Dark Who Couldn’t
Even Play Dead Correctly Without Lifting Up Her Head.
And
that all for this movie.
In
the box office, this movie completely bombed and was nominated for two Razzie
Awards. The Brothers Strause were given a second chance with a film called
Skyline and of course, that film is terrible as well (although they went from
bad lighting to too much blue lighting). Oh and those Strause Brothers
originally wanted this film in 3D, but considering they weren’t allowed to as
it cost too much. Considering how dark the lighting of this film is already,
they should count their blessing they didn’t do this in 3D and have people
demanding refunds for not being able to see shit.
John
Ortiz (who played Eddie) went on to play the main character’s friend Ronnie in
the critically acclaimed Silver Linings Playbook. Sam Trammel (who played Tim
O’Brien) has gone to play Sam Merlotte in the hit HBO series True Blood. David Hornsby (who played Drew) is still
recurring character Rickety Cricket, writer, and executive producer of It’s
Always Sunny In Philadelphia.
I
guess we need to have a separate paragraph for what happened with Johnny Lewis
(who played Ricky) and this is not going to be easy. In 2008, he caught his big
break playing prospect and later member Half Sack Epps in Sons of Anarchy. He
only played him for two seasons as his character was killed off and he left the
show hoping to do better things. In 2011, Lewis suffered head injuries for a
motorcycle accident, but refused to get MRIs, even though both doctors and even
his own father begged him to get them. This started a series of legal troubles
where he struck two men over the head with bottles while in a fight and
attempted to break into a woman’s home, both of which caused him to go to jail.
While in jail, his attorneys and family members tried to get him into rehab for
his marijuana addiction, citing both mental health issues and his chemical
dependency. He refused this rehab so he got rehab instead for alcoholism. On
September 26, 2012, he broke into the house of his 81 year old landlord
Catherine Davis and murdered her and her cat. He then jumped over the fence and
assaulted a painter and the homeowner next door. He then jumped back over the
fence into Catherine’s property, climbed up to the roof of the place and either
fell off or jumped from the roof, killing himself on impact. His death was
ultimately ruled accidental and they found no traces of any illegal substances
in his system in the toxicology report.
Now
let’s get to my opinion of this film. You know, originally I thought this film
was slightly better than the original Alien vs. Predator film, thanks to that
awesome fight between the Predator and the PredAlien and the fact that the
Predator was not treated like a bitch in this film. Unfortunately, revisiting
this film, I am forced to say that this film is just as bad as Alien vs.
Predator, but in different ways. While that film’s problems are having the
Predator act like a bitch along with the terrible studio censorship that cut
this film down to a PG-13 film, this film’s issues are the really awful
lighting that caused you not to be able to see things that are supposed to be
happening and the terrible directing of the Brothers Strause, who definitely
are directors whose creativity need to be edited a lot. Also the adding in of
the pointless child death just really makes me mad as you could allow yourself
to see that child die without actually seeing it in the theatrical, but the two
wanted us to see it happen completely just in case we may have thought that
kid’s chest burster died while still in him. It’s just bullshit and both these
films really need to be tossed in the trash.
Now
time for the next film, which is the final film for the summer for the fans and
you chose a film that basically killed a franchise. But, I will say that this
was probably for the best since the third film that was a potential franchise
killer as it was worse. Considering it has two people who were in past Monster
Crap inductions…I am not surprised.
Well,
At Least The Crypt Keeper Looks Like He Is About To Get Some.
