Monster Crap: May 2015

Monster Crap Inductee: The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle
It’s Just Bull

2000

As a kid, I did like Rocky & Bullwinkle like probably a lot of people of my generation. But like a lot of kids in our generation, it took a few years later for us to realize that this was just syndicated programming as The Rocky & Bullwinkle Show originally ran around 1959 to 1964 (even though it was clear as day with the animation).

In Fact, When Rocky & Bullwinkle First Aired, Plan 9 From Outer Space Was Still In Theaters

So what caused this show to only have a 5 year run? Well, you can blame it on this animal.

Yep…Lassie on ABC caused Rocky & Bullwinkle on NBC to lose a lot of viewers and because of that (along with the potential move to CBS that never happened), NBC moved the shows to plenty of timeslots and eventually just cancelled it. But what Rocky & Bullwinkle was able to survive on was syndication so most of you reading this who watched Rocky & Bullwinkle, you watched it on syndication.

But because of the show being liked in syndication by a lot of people, an eventual movie was made. Of course that was 1992’s Boris & Natasha: The Movie.

Not That One, Seth!!!

Oh yeah…my bad. You see…that film focuses more on the villains for once not going with Fearless Leader’s plans and only has Agent Moose & Agent Squirrel who are humans and not an anamorphic moose and squirrel. Movie was originally intended for theatrical release, but because it wasn’t that good…it was released straight to Showtime and went into so relative of obscurity that most of you have probably never heard of it. And just so you know, no type of things that aren’t human so I will never be inducting that pile of crap, but maybe I could send this one to another reviewer like maybe Raymond Gallant aka Forgotten Sin, who does Toon Crap (cheap plug). Anyway, I guess we are talking about the 2000 movie which actually deals with Rocky & Bullwinkle as anamorphic Moose & Squirrel.

And of course, because of people seeing this in syndication, you were able to get a lot of big names to do this movie and I’ll be honest, a lot of the casting sounded perfect. They even got the voice actress for Rocky and animated Natasha Fetale to be in the film in the legendary June Foray. Now why they couldn’t get the voice actor for Bullwinkle (also animated Fearless Leader) was because that Bill Scott had died in 1985, which was 15 years before they even released this movie in 2000 so he had been dead for a while. So they got a good friend of Bill Scott in Keith Scott (no relation) to play Bullwinkle as well as the narrator and animated Boris Badenov (because the voice actors for those roles had also passed away as well). To get the live action versions of the three villains, they got acclaimed actor Robert De Niro to play Fearless Leader as well as still known actors in Jason Alexander and Rene Russo to play Boris & Natasha.

But as soon as trailers for this film came out, I knew we were not going to be having a fun time and considering this was voted on to be inducted, you mostly feel the same way as well (although some voters liked the movie and just wanted to see me try and tackle it). So let’s get down to business with this induction.

We begin with the Universal logo.

Universal….My Old Enemy

And then we get our title with a cartoon theater as the backdrop.

A narrator speaks about this being 1964 (which was a crucial moment in American history) as Lyndon is re-elected as President of the United States by a landslide (not mentioned is his opponent Barry Goldwater and those infamous LBJ ads that painted Goldwater as an unstable man who will push the button and nuke the world), the New York’s World Fair introduces the world to a bright future, and after five years on the air, Rocky & Bullwinkle got cancelled.

The narrator says that a lot has changed in 35 years as Velcro has replaced the zipper (not to me, it hasn’t), sneakers have lights on them (not with me, they don’t), the Cold War is over, and the Rocky & Bullwinkle show is still cancelled.

Anyway…we find out what the aftermath of their cancellation 35 years has caused for the great Frostbite Falls.

The Town Itself Is A Ghost Town, Destroyed By Re-Runs

The Beautiful Frostbite Falls Forest Has Been Decimated

Damn You, Slash N’Burn Lumber Company!!!

The Wonderful Falls Above Veronica Lake Devastated. Damn You, Consolidated Sludge Corporation And Your Toxic Crap!!!

And The Narrator, Down On His Luck & Out Of A Job, Is Forced To Move In With His Mother And Reduced To Narrating The Events Of His Own Life. Although the Narrator’s Mom Is Pretty Damn Good At Her Job As Mother.

But His Mom Hates When He Narrates About Her Life And Throws A Frying Pan At Him

And Rocky & Bullwinkle Are Forced To Survive On Ever Diminishing Residuals From Re-Runs Of Their Old Show.

Although They Seem Happy In A Melancholy Sort Of Way. That Damn Table Of Course Could Use A New Stand For One Of The Legs (Which They Normally Use That Picture Book For)

Personally, I Think They Should Use Rocky.

It Worked For Conker.

Oh and their records keep skipping.

Hey, Rocky & Bullwinkle Can Sell Those Vinyl Records As They Are Sort Of Making A Comeback With Hipsters Buying Them (For Some Reason).

We also learn the Rocky The Flying Squirrel Hasn’t Flown In Years.

He Then Tells Us “What’s The Point?”

Rocky is glum thinking the world doesn’t need them anymore, but Bullwinkle is still optimistic (yeah, this is why people liked Bullwinkle despite being a moron as he was always optimistic till the very end). Bullwinkle decides to go for a walk in the woods, even though there are no woods as all the trees have been cut down. After a stupid conversation, the narrator says that even their word-play became hackneyed and cheap, which Bullwinkle responds that it has always been that way.

Times were just as tough in the fictional place of Pottsylvania (a former Soviet Sattelite) where the two Russians Boris Badenov and Natasha Fetale, as well as their Nazi looking and speaking Fearless Leader still kind of run the place.

They are about to have some old people shot when the fake wall falls on them and the soldiers.

Bye Iron Curtain

And the citizens of Pottsylvania rejoiced in their new-found freedom

With Some Of The Most Unmotivated “Yay”s I have Ever Heard

After that happened, the three villains went underground and dug their way to Los Angeles.

It is a beautiful and smoggy day at Phony Pictures Studio (you really had to get your digs into Sony, didn’t ya Universal?).

There, an ambitious junior executive Minnie Mogul was busy searching for a hot new script.

While Shredding The Scripts She Hated. And Yes, That Is Janeane Garofalo In A Small Role. Like I Said, There Were Lots Of People Who Grew Up With Rocky & Bullwinkle (Either Through The Original Run Or Syndication) So Getting People For This Was Easy As Pie.

Our three villains dig their way into a TV and talk to Minnie.

Let’s just get this out of the way and say that the voice acting for these characters in their animated forms are fantastic (although Fearless Leader & Narrator sound a little different, but not too much). The bad guys try to sell the film rights to Rocky & Bullwinkle to Minnie Mogul (How do they have them? This film (like with many things) will never answer) and of course being a stereotypical airhead, has never heard of Rocky & Bullwinkle. They explain that it is a classic cartoon from the early 60s and she is about to sign, but is reluctant as it might help the villains take over the world. They ask why not and she says that her pen is out of ink.

Of Course Fearless Leader Has A Pen And Tells Her To Use His. Typical Hollywood Producers, They’ll Allow Three Villains To Take Over The World Just So They Can Make Money Off A Movie.

Through the magic of digital technology, Minnie is able to sign the contract. She tries to pull the contract, but also pulls out the three bad guys as well.

Minnie wants to know how this could happen and Fearless Leader just says they are attached to the project.

The three of course are Rene Russo as Natasha, Jason Alexander from “Seinfeld as Boris, and Academy Award Winning Actor Robert De Niro as Fearless Leader. The narrator says that even though the pun was weak, the contract was ironclad so the three bid their farewells to Minnie and Minnie gets the contract for her higher up, P.G Biggershot.

Who Doesn’t Like Moose Pictures & Is Played By Legendary Comedian Carl Reiner

So while the motion picture was stymied, Bullwinkle decides to go to the White House to talk to the President about saving the trees of Frostbite Falls. Rocky says that it looks a little jammed and Bullwinkle asks how bad it could be.

Rocky Correctly Says “Look At All That Red Tape”.

Hey, that red tape may be bad for you to get to Washington D.C.,

But It Will Save You From Demonic Spirits Coming Out From That Technology.

Bullwinkle tells Rocky not to worry as he is sure the president will send for him after all the letters he sent in. And here is a huge problem, how in the hell could those letters ever reach the president of a real world when you are in a fictional one. I guess the same way bad guys can enter the real world through a TV which is “…shut up”.

The matter seemed destined to rest, but six months later, the head of the FBI Cappy Von Trapment calls Karen Sympathy into his office.

Karen Is Being Played By Cute As A Button Piper Perabo And Cappy Is Played By Academy Award Nominee Randy Quaid, The Older Brother Of A Bit More Successful Actor Dennis Quaid.

It is mentioned that Karen has been a bit of a screwup with her past assignments and Cappy bets she is wondering why he picked her for this assignment. Cappy then tells her that he is going to be frank in that this job should be handled by the ideal FBI agent and she says she can be that agent. Cappy then asks her if she is familiar with the Rocky & Bullwinkle show and initially Karen reveals that she is a fan of the show, but calms down and basically plays it off as she has never heard of them. Then 17 minutes later, Cappy and Karen are at the White House and are in a meeting with President Signoff.

Dear God, Why Would The American People Vote For The Guy Who Got As Secretary Of Defense Fired By President Bill Pullman In Independence Day?!

Okay, now that we got that joke out of the way. President Signoff is played by great character actor James Rebhorn. Cappy tells us as well as the President that Fearless Leader, Natasha, and Boris have bought up all the cable channels and will be airing a hypnotic channel called RBTV aka Really Bad Television.

We then are introduced to our other cameo who will be playing advisors here like…

Measures & Schoentell, Played By David Alan Grier And Jon Polito.

We actually got a review by Damon Wayans and him from the past on this movie so let’s see what they said.

Hated It…

Thank you, David Alan Grier and Damon Wayans. Also Mr. President, why would you hire as one of your advisors the guy who got his ass kicked by Blankman?

Anyway, Measures tells the President that this channel is going to show shows so terrible that it will turn whoever watches it into a mindless zombie incapable of independent thought. Schoentell then says that is totally different than regular TV.

Knowing That Regular TV Would Love To Do That To People

Cappy says that the RBTV telecast starts on Noon Saturday and by 8 pm that night, Fearless Leader will have enough viewers that he can go on the air and make the whole country vote for him as president. Signoff then says he wants to still be president so this becomes a national crisis. He then asks his top generals for any recommendations like General Foods, General Store, and General Admission. They have no ideas. Cappy says that he has already sent three of their best to infiltrate RBTV, but they have disappeared. He then says there might be a mole at the White House. Signoff says this is ridiculous.

Even Though He Is Standing Right Next To A Damn Mole And It Is Played By The Same Guy Who Was The Main Person To Be In The Howard The Duck Suit (He Also Played The Pinata From Pinata: Survival Island).

Cappy then says that their only chance is to call forth Rocky & Bullwinkle to stop them (even honestly, calling the National Guard or any kind of authority is a better option). After that meeting, Cappy tells Karen that she has 46 hours to get Rocky & Bullwinkle to New York and foil Fearless Leader’s scheme. Karen asks how she is supposed to do that and Cappy says the three villains were able to get out of the cartoon world so she better figure it out.

So within that same hour, Karen was on route to Hollywood. She sneaks into a studio and hopes to get the Rocky & Bullwinkle movie…the green light. And when we say green light.

We Mean She Has To Sneak Into The Studio’s Green Lighthouse

She gets passed the patrolling guards and the guards on the monitor who is sleeping on the job. So how you ask is she going to get up that Green Lighthouse?

With A Trampoline, Dammit.

Somewhere, All Members Of The Spirit Squad As Sin Cara Are Taking Notes

These Guards Must Have Terrible Peripheral Vision To Not Notice This

Karen then picks the lock to the Green Lighthouse and is able to activate the Green Light.

Here’s Hoping She Bungles This One Up And Introduces Godzilla Into The Real World

Unfortunately, she is able to do this kind of right (pulling Fantasy Adventure & Road Comedy???) and goes for Rocky & Bullwinkle, while alerting security guards.

Who Only Come Because It Also Has An Alarm. These Guards Are Useless.

So in animated land, Rocky & Bullwinkle notice the green light and Bullwinkle thinks the President is beaming them to Washington Rocky correctly states that it isn’t the president, but instead the green light, which zaps them and takes them to the real world.

They also take the narrator with them to as his mother tells him good-bye.

They finally land in the real world and…

Oh Dear God, Does That CGI Look Bad!!!

Actually, in the Behind the Scenes, the director actually claimed this effect was intentional, calling it 2 & ½ D, so they can try to get the characters to look like cartoons in the real world. Uh-hm…that isn’t how it works. I mean you showed earlier that the bad guys being sent to our world have real bodies. You should do is hire a costume expert to do a very well animatronic costume of the two with actors in them (like in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which was made 10 years before this film) or at the very least, get the best CGI you could find to make them look realistic as possible. You can’t have bad guys come in our world looking one way and then our heroes entering the world looking another because…dear god, can you please get this one, Bruce Wayne from Batman Forever?

It Just Raises Too Many Questions.

Thank you, Bruce. So many unanswered problems with this. Rocky asks Bullwinkle if he is alright and Bullwinkle says he is, but they think they are on the wrong show as look at Karen here. My sentiments exactly, Bullwinkle.

Karen is about to geek out over seeing these two, but she remembers her FBI training and hides it. Karen then explains that she is from the FBI and she needs there help to stop Boris, Natasha, and Fearless Leader, who they totally know who they are. I say that because in the show, Rocky & Bullwinkle (especially Bullwinkle) never really knew of their existence. Anyway, guards come and Karen says they need to get out of there, which Bullwinkle tries to use the commercial break…which thankfully doesn’t work in the real world (although Bullwinkle has a nice quip asking if this is PBS).

Karen tries to have Rocky fly, but unfortunately Rocky hasn’t flown for a while so he forgot and falls off the tower after trying (being a cartoon keeps him alive). Karen has Bullwinkle on her back as she climbs down with the rope. While this whole scene is going on, we had jokes showing Bullwinkle is a moron. One of which is getting stuck escaping through the door with his antlers and only Karen showing him to turn his head so he can get out. The other is this gem.

Karen: Bullwinkle, can you repel?

Bullwinkle: Sure, I have been repelling viewers for years.

When asked if she ever watched their show, Karen admits that she loved their show and wanted to have adventures like they do, which is why she joined the Bureau. She tries to say that little girl doesn’t exist anymore as they don’t want her kind in the FBI.

Although She Still Exists In Karen’s Eyes.

As they drive, she explains that they need to get there in 40 hours. Rocky then asks the sensible question of why they take an airplane. Bullwinkle responds by saying then it wouldn’t be a road movie.

…

…
Uhhhh

Okay, so that is why that lever for Road Comedy was pulled, I guess. But this still makes no sense and oh yeah, spoiler alert…this is going to be rendered bullshit later in the movie. Oh and we get a joke about Bullwinkle’s antlers picking up radio waves as well as Bullwinkle not knowing what Hip Hop is.

Bullwinkle Has To Cover His Nose To Stop The Radio Signals. This Makes Sense Because…..Shut Up

Rocky notes that they don’t have that type of music in Frostbite Falls and if a lot has changed in 35 years. Karen then tells him to just wait and see. As we get to the next day, we hear that we are heading to the Beckoning Horizon of a strange new three dimensional world.

That day Fearless Leader finally gets news from the mole that Rocky & Bullwinkle are coming. He also introduces his machine, which will amplify bad shows’ mind numbing qualities so that the audience is completely hypnotized. They then proceed with the test of if the machine works as the bad guys and their lackies put on protective glasses.

Some of the shows are:

The machine works and the test audience are now mindless zombies.

The bad guys celebrate with…

With A Dance???

What???

I have no words to explain this. Fearless Leader then asks how many times Moose & Squirrel have bunglingly interfered with their plans and Boris answers with twenty eight times. Fearless Leader immediately tells Boris to shut up. Fearless Leader wants Boris and Natasha to destroy them personally. Fearless Leader then reveals that there has never been a way to destroy a cartoon character until now. An aid asks about that movie called Roger Rabbit and Fearless Leader tells him to shut up as this is totally different.

He reveals the computer degenerating imagery. They have a little girl scientist named Sydney explain the machine and she even calls it the CDI. Must…resist…Phillips CDI…joke…

Dammit….I Couldn’t Help Myself!!!

They bring in a test subject, which is an animated cartoon.

Um….I have no idea how they did this and the film doesn’t explain this either. Only thing of note is why is this character as well as Rocky & Bullwinkle animated and not the bad guys? This film has too many plot holes that they cannot all be explained by the old “shut up”. Sydney explains that they sent him where all worthless cyber junk goes to, which is the internet. You better not be calling my work “worthless junk”, Sydney.

So They Zap The Animated Weasel To The Internet

She gives Boris & Natasha a giant manual which she wants them to read so they can work the machine. So the bad guys throw the CDI and the manual in the back of their truck along with their other ways of destroying our heroes.

Ahh…The Classics Are Always Timeless

We then get a strange moment where Fearless Leader does a video diary. It is absolutely pointless and should have been cut from the film.

While our heroes are driving, Karen tells them that she used to be optimistic like them, but if she has learned anything in the FBI, life is not a cartoon.

They Are Then Attacked By Cartoon Weaponry. Also The Bad Guys Got There Pretty Fast Considering They Were Also Driving And They Got Stuck In Traffic Last Time We Saw Them.

They then get this sign, which tells them they might want to get out of the car.

Well, Now That Is Just Impractical

They get out of the car and it crashes.

Exploding Before It Even Hits The Ground

They are all alright, but Boris and Natasha tell them that it won’t be for long as they have a cannon ready.

Ah an old classic of Rocky and Bullwinkle and it goes exactly like all the others. Boris and Natasha light the cannon; they move out of the way to cover their ears; cannon is stopped; bad guys ask “where is boom”; and good guys get away. This time, they steal the bad guys RBTV truck, which had the back left open so all the crap they brought with them falls out. The bad guys decide to read manual as it is time to update their technique.

They get a phone call from Fearless Leader, who asks about their progress. They try to lie to him, but he rips off Robert De Niro’s dialogue from Taxi Driver. Considering that it is Robert De Niro playing Fearless Leader and he has that terrible interpretation of Fearless Leader’s voice, it is awful. Anyway, he knows they are lying.

Even Boris And Natasha Are Like “Not This Shit Again”.

Rocky & Bullwinkle are not happy about them stealing the vehicle, even though it was from the bad guys who wrecked their car, as they are supposed to be the heroes. Bullwinkle gets the “Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right” line several times. It ended up being the first fight between Karen and the two animated heroes. They go to Oklahoma as Boris and Natasha are several states behind them and steal a helicopter from this cameo.

Comedian Jonathan Winters In One Of Three Roles For This Film

The bad guys steal the map from the camera which explains where the two are to catch up with the stolen truck. No seriously, narrator is shows the map of where the two are in conjunction and says there no way the two bad guys could catch up and then the bad guys grab the map while the narrator says they can’t do that (apparently they can). The narrator calls the two cheaters and they say thank you.

So Natasha calls the state police, saying she is Karen Sympathy and saying that she is reporting a stolen vehicle. Back in the truck, Karen apologizes for yelling at them, but tells them that they do not understand that she cannot mess up this time. Rocky realizes there have been other times she has done stuff and Bullwinkle wants Karen to tell them about herself. She says that she has made mistakes in the past and she can’t blow this one as the whole world depends on it. Also she cannot do this without Rocky & Bullwinkle’s help, which they agree that she can count on them. Everything seems alright until Karen jinxes herself by saying they will make a great team. They then get busted by Oklahoma Cops, who are being filmed for Made Up Stories From The Real Highway Patrol.

Led By John Goodman

Now I have heard from critics that this whole situation would have been handled if she just showed them her badge. Well, this should have been handled that way, but…I can show you that she did do that and the officers didn’t care.

Sadly these cops still believe the person with a heavy Pottsylvania accent is Karen Sympathy and fail to…you know, actually call the agency because they could actually back up who Karen Sympathy is and who is the poser. As Karen tries to tell the cops who she really is, the lead cop says that sure she is and he is John Goodman before arresting her while leaving Rocky & Bullwinkle loose because the cops believe they are animals (despite the fact that are walking on two legs and they can talk). I guess I should also mention during this whole scene Rocky & Bullwinkle’s faces are covered by mosaic.

While walking alone and Bullwinkle doing some bad jokes, Rocky tries to fly ahead, but he still can’t fly. They try hitchhiking, but like the narrator says, no one wants to take a chance on the six foot, seven inches taking moose and a flying squirrel who couldn’t fly. They even try to get in front of a bus to halt them, but the truck just flattens them.

Things look bad for the two, but they finally get picked by two kids named Martin & Lewis.

Played By Kenan Thompson And Kel Mitchell

Now on Nickelodeon, Kenan & Kel had their own hit series (aptly named Keenan & Kel) and so they were definitely put on this show for the kids. Problem is by the time this film was released, Kenan & Kel ended so having them in this movie AFTER their show got done with its run and Kenan & Kel were losing popularity (especially after the terrible Good Burger movie) was not wise. Anyway, Martin & Lewis (definite nods to another duo Dean Martin and Jimmy Lewis) mention to them that they are from Wossamatta U., which Rocky & Bullwinkle say that school was their alma mater.

Okay, let’s get this done with……Wossamatta U. was a story arch in the fifth season where they were offered scholarships to the place because the two were good at football and the school was rather terrible in that department. They needed them to help them defeat the Mud City Manglers who are coached by Fearless Leader. So yes, there is some storyline continuity. But we’ll get to the problems later.

Boris and Natasha then conceive of an evil plan, which is give money to Wossamatta University, which is in the real world here. Yeah, Wossamatta U. is a fictional college so why in the blue hell it is in the real world is anyone’s freaking guess. Anyway, the two villains made a sizeable donation in Bullwinkle’s name so the dean is giving Bullwinkle an honorary “Mooster’s Degree”.

Oh And A Cameo From Norman Lloyd From St. Elsewhere

So the plan is for Moose to be at the podium during acceptance speech, they will zap him with the CDI. Unfortunately, Wossamatta U. has no water tower so they have to build one.

Seriously, They Do This. No Building Permits Or Anything…Just Go Ahead And Build A Water Tower Near Our Stage. Nothing Suspicious About This At All

Meanwhile, in prison, Karen is breaking rocks, a common staple of prison in classic cartoons

Okay, So She Isn’t Actually Doing That Work, But She Is In The Vicinity.

Anyway, she is under the watchful eye of a Swedish-American guard named Ole.

Ole is a moron who has a crush on Karen and she uses that advantage to get him to sneak her out of prison under the guise of it only being for a little while and she will be just seeing a movie with him.

Meanwhile back with our animated characters as well as Martin & Lewis, they get a fax from their car.

Car Fax Machines (Yes, In Some Models, They Do Exist)…This Isn’t Dated At All. Hell, This Was Already Somewhat Dated When The Film Was Released. Also The Narrator Said This Would Be For A Mooster’s Degree, But The Paper Here Says Bullwinkle Is Getting A Doctorate.

Despite Rocky saying they don’t have time to do this ceremony today, Bullwinkle is able to convince everyone that they should go to Wossamatta U. so he can do the speech. Oh and Martin explains that the university has been in live action form since the show went into re-runs in 1964. How did they do that, we will never know because this film just expects you to accept that. If this was a one-time occurrence where things from the animated show come from the real world are all in the same way, I would accept this. But we have some people or places coming out live action and some people coming out in animated form. This is a mess. Rocky & Bullwinkle explain that they were in reruns and Martin & Lewis joke about that never happening to them.

Inside Joke

Apparently, the speech is not well received by some people who are anti-cartoon and have formed a protest which is called an “Anti-Moose March”.

It Should Be Mention That One Of These Students Is Taraji Henson And Another Of These Students Later Became Dr. Jack Hodgins On Bones. Both Uncredited Roles, But Both Are In This Crowd Protesting This Speech.

During the speech, Rocky sees Boris and Natasha on the finished water tower, about to zap Bullwinkle. Rocky tries to warn Bullwinkle, but his voice doesn’t carry over the voices of the protesters so Rocky has to take care of this himself. Rocky finally flies although he really doesn’t have much control over his flying and crashes into Boris and knocks the CDI. Boris tries to catch it, but forgets that he is no longer animated so he falls.

But Thankfully He Lands On Some Protestors So He Doesn’t Die. Their Health On The Other Hand…Doesn’t Matter To This Film.

The CDI lands on Boris’ head, which knocks out Badenov. Rocky crashes into the dean, which causes the students to cheer and Bullwinkle thinks the crowd actually likes him while Rocky believes he will never fly again. They continue to listen and because Bullwinkle’s speech is inane, that the students couldn’t find anything to be offended by. Yes, this film wants us to believe that no one will be offended by your speech if you make no sense whatsoever and will cheer you because of it. Yeah, I don’t know if the producers know what trolling is.

Bullwinkle….The World’s First Troll

They bid their fond farewells (with Bullwinkle talking to a wall for a joke). The dean thanks them for bringing unity back to the campus with their ludicrous remarks. Martin & Lewis say they would like to come with our animated heroes, but they don’t want to get hurt. Martin & Lewis also give them the car as a sign of their appreciation for giving them hope for America again.

They Immediately Crash The Car

They drive off as Boris and Natasha go after them after recovering from the Student Infirmary. Back with Ole and Karen, Karen tells Ole to get the tickets while she parks the car. Ole (being a dummy) agrees with this and allows Karen to drive off without ever realizing she played him like a fool.

Poor Ole

In Indiana, Karen sees that RBTV is on the air and some people are already hypnotized by it.

Jenny Spy On The TV Is Played By Paget Brewster, Who Most Of You Will Know As Emily Prentiss From Criminal Minds. She Is Also A Pretty Good Voice Actress Too And Played A Much Better Audrey Timmonds In The Underrated Late 90s Godzilla Cartoon Than Maria Pitillo Did In That Crappy Godzilla Movie The Cartoon Was Based Off Of.

Back at RBTV Headquarters, Fearless Leader talks about how he loves his RBTV and gets word that 30% of Americans are already under the channel’s mind control. He says that he will give his speech at 8 pm tonight. Meanwhile, while Ole is still oblivious to Karen’s escape, the jail knows she escaped and has police cars going after her while the prison is on lockdown.

Now in Chicago, Rocky & Bullwinkle are being chased by Boris and Natasha, who are in a helicopter. They get a ramp thanks to two guys with Italian accents.

Both Played By Don Novello, Otherwise Known On SNL As Father Guido Sarducci

As Rocky & Bullwinkle’s car lands on a truck, Boris and Natasha try to shoot them with the CDI. Unfortunately for the two bad guys, they forget there is such a thing as a windshield on a helicopter so they end up shooting their own helicopter.

The two fall, but good news for them is they land on mattresses being carried by a mattress salesman.

Played By A Billy Crystal Cameo…Not Bad Since I Wouldn’t Mind Renee Russo Falling On Me Either.

Afterwards, Boris & Natasha were forced to buy a rental car. Meanwhile, Bullwinkle & Rocky finally meet up with Karen, lying to them about being pardoned. But that reunion is short-lived as they are all arrested by the Ohio cops.

The Cop Here Is Also A Jonathan Winters Cameo

We cut immediately to their trial with Judge Cameo presiding.

Played By A Whoopi Goldberg Cameo

Cameo asks who speaks for the defense and Bullwinkle says he does.

Karen & Rocky Realize They Are In Trouble

Judge Cameo then reads off the charges which are one count of grand theft auto, one count of breaking out of jail, one count of impugning the character of a prison guard, four counts of reckless driving, five counts of talking to the audience, and eighteen counts of bad punning (which Bullwinkle makes nineteen counts by making another bad pun).

She asks counsel to call their first witness, which Bullwinkle does with Karen Sympathy. Hold on, that’s not how a trial works. It is ALWAYS the prosecution that starts the trial with their witnesses. So you can count another thing wrong with this movie in that they don’t know how a criminal trial works.

Anyway, Karen is not happy about being the first witness and it doesn’t help as Bullwinkle being an idiot, acts like the prosecutor in damaging Karen’s character and making her look super guilty. Oh and he also references the plotholes and explains them away with they don’t know, they didn’t write the script. You do know when you do something like this, you are flat out saying that you suck as a scriptwriter. He then says “Your witness” to the prosecutor, who is now getting confused by what sides they are on.

Played By Comedian Jeffrey Ross

The prosecutor then gives his opening remarks (seriously they don’t know how a trial works) saying it is time we show the world that no quarter will be given to celebrity defendants. This wakes up Judge Cameo who doesn’t even realize there are celebrities in the room. She then gets her glasses on and realizes that Rocky & Bullwinkle are the defendants. After geeking out for a minute, she tells the prosecutor that there is a law that says celebrities are above the law so she ends this case. So the two are free based on stupid technicality.

What A Sham Of A Trial

Now they are back on the road, but they only have three hours left. They then are able to find a cheap airplane that they get.

From The Final Jonathan Winters Cameo

Boris and Natasha try to stop them, but they are stopped by the rental agents (who are like cops) because their rental agreement expired.

The trio fly off while the salesman tries to yell that they shouldn’t fly that as the plan can’t carry the weight of three people. Wait, wait, wait…what happened to this whole road movie. Remember they said earlier that they have to take a car so this can be a road movie? Yeah, this movie just decided to just give the middle finger to the audience and basically announce, “Hey, most of the first 2/3rds of the movie were us wasting your damn time”.

Anyway, Boris and Natasha once again are defeated and are saddened by the continuous defeats. Natasha talks about how she is tired of all of this and wants to run away with Boris. Natasha tries to kiss him, but they are interrupted by the phone call from Fearless Leader. We also get Boris telling the dog he was saved by the bell (which I totally would disagree with as I would accept Natasha’s offer). Fearless Leader wants to know if Moose & Squirrel are dead. Boris is about to say no, but Natasha interrupts by lying and saying yes, they got the job done. After the phone call where Fearless Leader says he wants them to be with him on his moment of triumph so he is getting them a private jet, Boris yells at Natasha for lying. Natasha then says to him that the heroes can’t make it to New York in that crappy plane by 8 pm and even if they did, how could they stop the bad guys now. He agrees with her and raises his fist in triumph.

But while the bad guys are celebrating their success, the good guys are actually having bad luck as that plane the salesman warned us about couldn’t carry that much weight, is starting to fall apart. Karen wants Rocky to fly Bullwinkle down, but Rocky says Bullwinkle is a huge moose, which Bullwinkle takes offense to. Karen asks if Bullwinkle can fly, which he says he can (considering his past experiences with things he “can do”, that isn’t good. Karen wants Rocky to fly her down, but Rocky doesn’t even know if that is a good idea, considering his flying has been questionable in this film thus far.

Karen stands on the plane and tries to give Rocky comfort while Bullwinkle takes control of the plane, but standing on a plane (especially if you are a real person) is a terrible idea and Karen falls. It is here that Rocky has a dilemma in getting over his flying issues or letting Karen die. Of course, Rocky tries and it is that moment that Rocky finally re-learns how to fly correctly. We get “Dreamer” by Supertramp for this scene of Rocky finally doing it.

Bullwinkle flies ahead and says he’ll meet them in New York. Meanwhile, we see the villains in the private jet taking a bath together and celebrating.

I Don’t Believe I Am Alone Here In Actually Envying Jason Alexander Right Now

Rocky & Karen arrive in New York City, however Bullwinkle is terrible with direction so he of course is not there to meet them at all. Karen sees that there are so many people in the streets looking at RBTV so she cannot wait for Bullwinkle to show up. They sneak into RBTV behind a limo carrying Boris and Natasha. As they happily tell Fearless Leader again that they killed Rocky & Bullwinkle, Fearless Leader is happy and has everyone along with him sing the apparent Pottsylvania National Anthem.

This Is Rather Random

And Fearless Leader treats Boris and Natasha like dogs, throwing chocolates like dog treats which they catch in their mouths. Suddenly, Karen & Rocky storm into the studio with Karen having a gun and yelling for everyone to put their hands on high.

Fearless Leader calls Boris and Natasha idiots and the two subordinates spit out their chocolate treat. Fearless Leader turns on the TV and Karen tries to tell Rocky not to look at the screen, but it is too late as Rocky is now a mindless zombie. Karen turns her back and that allows the villains to capture her.

Fearless Leader then tells Karen Sympathy that he has been waiting for an enemy who he could respect and then gloats that he is still waiting.

Their only hope now is in Bullwinkle, but like I said, Bullwinkle is bad with directions so he is actually in Washington DC and not New York City. He lands on the White House lawn

Well I Didn’t Say He Landed Safely

And unlike the idiot gyrocopter pilot who did so just recently, Bullwinkle is not hounded by Secret Service agents thanks to RBTV. Inside, Bullwinkle finds that President Signoff has also succumbed to the mind numbing powers of RBTV.

Back at RBTV headquarters, Fearless Leader releases Rocky from the zombification so that he can share his evil plan for them. He reveals the three agents who were missing from earlier and that he turned them into vegetables.

The Agent With The Radish Head Is Jane Edith Wilson. The Agent With The Carrot Head Is Legendary Actor Who Puts On Costumes Doug Jones (Abe Sapien From Hellboy Series, Silver Surfer In That Terrible Fantastic Four Sequel, & Fauno & The Pale Man With Eyes On His Hands In Pan’s Labyrinth. The Man In The Potato Suit Is Mark Holton (Francis Buxton In Pee Wee’s Big Adventure)

You Might Also Remember Him As Dim-Witted Ozzie In Leprechaun

He says they will share the same fate as they will also be hooked up to the Quality Control Machine. Karen asks for Fearless Leader to leave America alone, but Fearless Leader laughs. Karen then gives a speech that she learned from Rocky that you have to be who you are and not giving into the pressures of others. Fearless Leader is unimpressed and turns Rocky & Karen into vegetables.

Bullwinkle still being an idiot tries to talk to the president about the trees in Frostbite Falls being gone, but the president is too much of a zombie to speak. Bullwinkle watches the television despite Cappy trying to tell him not to.

Somehow I Have A Feeling This Is What Randy Quaid Is Like At Home Now

Cappy thinks Bullwinkle may have turned, but Bullwinkle looks at Cappy and says TV isn’t what it used to be. We find out from that Bullwinkle’s head is so thick that the waves of RBTV can’t faze him whatsoever. Cappy introduces himself and says that he needs Bullwinkle’s help to stop Fearless Leader’s plans. Cappy is about to give up hope, but Bullwinkle says “if only there was some way of transmitting computer animated characters across great distances in the blink of an eye”. Cappy then realizes that there is a way which is to send Bullwinkle to RBTV via an email.

Cappy Stuffs Bullwinkle Into A Scanner Drive

We then get a pretty cool scene of Bullwinkle surfing the internet.

If The Internet Was Like What People Believed It Was Like In Stupid Ass 90s PSAs.

While traveling, Bullwinkle also passes by the Weasel from earlier, who seems to be having fun in the internet.

Bullwinkle appears on the RBTV screen and sits on the print button by accident, which allows him to be printed into RBTV headquarters.

Fearless Leader starts his speech, basically saying that he wants people to vote for him as President of the United States. His speech is interrupted when Bullwinkle appears and his antlers screw up the signal.

His antennas also turn Karen and Rocky back to normal.

Boris finally has to yell to Fearless Leader that “Moose is loose” and Fearless Leader gives what was my face after this movie was over.

Fearless Leader then yells for everyone to get them and unlike in the cartoon, Rocky & Bullwinkle actually kick ass. Karen takes out Boris and Natasha while Bullwinkle uses his antlers to throw one person through a windows and another into a TV.

Bullwinkle runs and gores Fearless Leader.

GORE!!! GORE!!! GORE!!!

Rocky then grabs some rope and ties all three villains up while Karen grabs a gun and holds everyone else at bay.

Karen tells Bullwinkle to finish the speech so he does. Bullwinkle tells the viewing audience to vote for whoever the hell they want to vote for.

He also tells them to turn off the TV and to whoever wins, replant the trees in Frostbite Falls. So everyone did just that. Karen then took a mallet to the Quality Control Machine.

Sadly, She Didn’t Use Any Pun Before Doing So

After the machine was destroyed the three agents who were vegetables were turned back into humans.

Confetti and balloons rains down from the ceiling for no reason and Bullwinkle messes with the CDI, which accidentally activates it. But luckily for them it ricochets and shoots the bad guys, who for some strange reason get shot into the sky???

And This Somehow Shoots Them Into The Internet Where They Would Be Heard From No More…Until The Internet Becomes A Big Huge Thing And Basically Replaces Modern TV For The Most Part.

Back in Washington DC, Rocky and Bullwinkle are stars once again and RBTV changed their name from Really Bad TV to Rocky & Bullwinkle Television, which Bullwinkle asks what’s the difference. Karen asks Cappy why she was chosen and Cappy said the FBI is all about results and her idealistic mind was perfect for the job. She thanks Rocky & Bullwinkle and after being asked where she is going, she says she has something she has to do. That something of course is driving back to go to that movie with Ole.

Who Had A Campfire Outside The Theater And Everything. That Is Dedication If You Ask Me Or Just Plain Being A Moron.

They hold hands at the movie and watch what essentially is a Rocky & Bullwinkle movie.

The Narrator comes home to his mom and we see Rocky & Bullwinkle back to their usual self in this movie….even though they now have no villains to deal with. Rocky flies into the sky and spells out The End.

But during the credits, Rocky & Bullwinkle fight with Boris, Natasha, and Fearless Leader over control of the credits. And that ends this movie.

If this was there attempt to make Rocky & Bullwinkle big, it failed big time. On a $76 million budget, this film only made $35 million worldwide, which is less than half. This (along with the bomb that was Dudley Doo-Right) also caused Jay Ward cartoon properties to not be made for a long time (despite the success of the George In The Jungle movie). It wasn’t until last year that they tried again with Mr. Peabody & Sherman, which was smartly made an animated feature and after writing 20 minutes of bullshit that tries to place these two in the real world, the writer decided to just fuck all that and go with why the cartoon was so popular (namely having them go through time and shenanigans happen). That movie was a huge success. And with films like the Smurfs and Alvin & The Chipmunks being a success in the 2010s, I think this Rocky & Bullwinkle film could have succeeded if it was released 10 years after when it was released.

The critics were mixed on this movie with Roger Ebert liking it to most critics being rather disappointed. The movie got nominated for one Razzie for Rene Russo’s performance, but thankfully it was beaten out for that dishonor by Kelly Preston as tongue girl in Battlefield Earth. Despite being actually good in the film, Jason Alexander says that he only did the film for money and has since apologized for doing it, an apology that has replayed a number of times on the Howard Stern Show.

Rene Russo (while still doing films) has done less and less films and has focused on being a mother while battling bipolar disease. Robert De Niro is still Robert De Niro, which is sometimes a good thing and sometimes a bad thing. Jason Alexander has sadly still not been able to shake the Seinfeld curse and has dealt with bad movies and cancelled TV shows. Piper Perabo was someone who they were really trying to push to stardom (with this along with Coyote Ugly), but she has had to settle with being a great supporting player and while she did have a hit TV show she starred in called Covert Affairs (where she met her husband), it ultimately got cancelled due to low ratings in the later seasons. She also is in a movie I really need to see as it has been delayed for a while, called Into The Grizzly Maze, where two brothers are in Alaska and are being stalked by a killer Grizzly Bear (you might have heard of it from its past names of Red Machine, Endangered, and Grizzly).

I’ve basically joked about Randy Quaid being crazy and that is for very good reason. In 2006, he sued Brokeback Mountain for pay reasons. He and his agent says he got a bonus so he dropped the lawsuit although the producers deny that. He and his wife got arrested for spending a night at a hotel and left after not paying for the $10,000 they owe for the stay and whatever they did there. They were released on bail and then proceeded to not show up for court dates. Randy’s case was ultimately dismissed and the wife had to deal with probation and community service. They then got arrested a couple months later for breaking into and living in a guest house without permission. Adding to the weirdness was it was property they had already sold to the current owners. Randy Quaid just recently got released from jail for that crap. During that whole case, the two tried to run away to Canada, but Canada was like “Fuck that noise”. They also produced a small documentary about something they believe in called Star Whackers, basically believing that there was a criminal conspiracy to kill celebrities and then blame it on other things, like drugs or autoerotic asphyxiation. It was reviewed as drugged out dreck by one critic and while it was shown one time, it has never been released otherwise. He also apparently abused his fellow stage performers in a musical he was on.

Unfortunately, there have been several members of the cast who have sadly passed away. Harrison Young (who played General Foods) died at the age of 75 in 2005. A few days later, Myrna Niles (who played Average Grandma) died at the age of 72 due to complications after a fall. Jonathan Winters (who had 3 roles in the film) died in 2013 at the age of 87 of natural causes. His last role was as Papa Smurf in the 2 Smurf movies. John Brandon (who played General Admission) died in 2014. But the most heartbreaking of all was a few months before that when James Rebhorn (who played President Signoff) died at the age of 65 due to complications from melanoma.

Now for my opinion of this film and yeah, it definitely is a disappointment to the cartoon it is based off of. While some of the jokes were on the nose and would have done very well in the cartoon, this film suffers from a script that brought plotholes in, told you that the film knew about the plotholes, and failed to fix them and just basically told you to shut up. It basically kept telling that it knows it is a bad movie and never getting around to making itself good in a meta sense. It is kind of like WCW, it can tell you continually that it is bad, but with nothing to argue that it isn’t bad…it makes the viewer agree that it is bad. As far as the acting goes, the voice acting is very good here. Jason Alexander should really not be embarrassed by this because he actually did a good job, even if he did do it for the money. Piper Perabo is as cute as a button and she plays that pretty good here. Renee Russo is just okay and is not deserving of the Razzie nomination she received. If anyone deserved a Razzie (besides the scriptwriter), it is Robert De Niro. His “method acting” on this character was just mind numbingly bad. But in the end, this does deserve its place in the unhallowed halls of Monster Crap.

Now onto June and since NegaSeth has decided to not show up today, I guess I’ll have to intro the next film. Well, this poll was interesting for three days and afterward, it basically became a runaway for one film and considering it is the most well-known of the films here, I’m not surprised it got the W. So let’s introduce the film that I have to induct next.

It’s Off To Boot Camp With A Killer Doll

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Seth & Mike's Impact Implosion for May 22nd, 2015 and May 29, 2015

Monster Crap Inductee: The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle (2000)

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