Monster Crap
Inductee: Batman & Robin
The Worst Batman Movie…EVER
1997
Well,
I should have known this was going to happen immediately after I inducted
Batman Forever that the month after the obligatory Leprechaun film that I was going
to have to induct this film. I mean, it is honestly admitted by almost everyone
to be the bottom of the barrel as it goes with Batman. So how did it come to
this for Batman? How did it come to the point where even the character of
Batman would become a box office flop?
Well,
let’s get into what happened after the last film. Despite people really not
liking the film, the advertising and the previous two films were able to get
Batman Forever to make a killing at the box office, gaining it the highest opening
weekend up to that point. Basically it made more money than Batman Returns and
was only beat out that year for being highest grossing by Toy Story. So of
course with all of that, the studios and of course Joel Schumacher thought that
there ideas of a brighter and more advertising friendly Batman were better than
the darker version that Tim Burton gave us and more to the comics version of
Batman that the fans wanted. Hell, they were already planning a Batman four as
well after this film called Batman: Triumphant. So they had an ego.
Immediately,
they went to work and got both Joel Schumacher and Akiva Goldsmith to return
for the sequel. They then fast tracked the film for a 1997 release which meant
while they could get the actors that played Commissioner Gordon, Alfred
Pennyworth, and Robin back, they couldn’t get Val Kilmer back because he had
already scheduled acting for the film The Saint and couldn’t work this film
into the schedule (which was honestly for the best in my opinion). Well, that’s
according to Val Kilmer although Joel Schumacher said he had difficulty working
with Kilmer in Batman Forever, saying he sort of quit and they sort of fired
him.
So
who to replace as Batman? Well, Joel Schumacher originally wanted Adam Baldwin
for the role, but the studio and he ultimately agreed on George Clooney (who at
the time was a really big star on the hit NBC drama E.R.). In fact, Schumacher
and the studio thought that Clooney was perfect for making a lighter
interpretation of Batman than even Val Kilmer. So yeah, even after succeeding
with Batman Forever in the box office with a lighter interpretation than
Batman, that wasn’t enough for them.
Now
let’s get to the new actors with new characters. Originally, they wanted
Patrick Stewart for Mr. Freeze and maybe that would have been a better choice
than who they ultimately chose, but Joel Schumacher decided that Mr. Freeze
must be big and strong like he was chiseled out of a glacier and so they chose
Arnold Schwarzenegger and rewrote the damn script for Arnold. Arnold was also
paid $25 million for the role and also his troubles of having to be prosthetic
makeup and wardrobe put on him, which took 6 hours every time they did so. Academy
Award nominated actress Uma Thurman in the late 90s was on a kick of being a
femme fatale so when the role was offered to her, she took it without a second
thought. She would also be in that crappy Avengers movie as well (based on the
British TV series, not based on the comic book superhero team). And since
Alicia Silverstone was still living off the hype from her great role in
Clueless so she was the ONLY choice to play Batgirl, despite the fact that
Batgirl was a redhead and Silverstone was going to be damned if she was going
to make her hair red.
So
with all that crap, let’s just get on with this film that is considered by many
the worst superhero movie ever and be done with it.
We
start this movie with…
Holy
crap….Maybe I Lucked Out And Got The Animated Film Batman: Sub-Zero By Mistake.
While
that may not be as good as Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, it is surely to be
better than Batman & Robin. So long suckers…I won’t be reviewing Batman
& Robin after all as I’ll be sitting back and enjoying something better.
Dammit!!!!
It Is Still Batman & Robin. Well, Guess I Have To Continue This Induction
Then.
We
start this induction actually off with Batman & Robin getting suited up.
Complete
With Bat Nipples & Bat Ass
Along With Robin Nipples & Robin Ass…..Joel Schumacher, Do You Know No Shame??
The
two meet where the Batmobile is.
And
It Looks Like It Is Record Time For An Actor To Realize He Is In A Crappy Movie
And Can’t Back Out Now
Oh
Chris, You Still Believe You At This Point Are In For A Good Film Here.
Robin
wants a car since chicks dig the car, which Batman has this line.
Batman: This Is Why
Superman Works Alone.
Actually,
Superman works alone because there is no one like him, unless you count Supergirl,
in which case….he knows Batman & Robin already get teased for being “more
than partners” and Superman doesn’t wish to get that situation with Supergirl
since he is kind of married to Lois Lane.
So
Batman gets in the Batmobile and rides out. And Alfred comes in asking Batman
to bring this one back in one piece. Well, if I remember last time, the
Batmobile got destroyed last time because Riddler broke into the damn house and
blew it up along with most of the Batcave so….not Batman’s fault that time. Also….if
I remember, you let him in Alfred so…
Shut
Up, Alfred.
Batman
says hi before leaving and Robin waits to get his bike for this operation.
Robin gets on the Redbird Cycle and tells Alfred to not wait up, which Alfred
responds that he’ll cancel the pizzas. As Robin leaves, we see something is not
right with Alfred, which we’ll find out later.
Commissioner
Gordon comes on the Batmobile screen to tell Batman that a new criminal named
Mr. Freeze has attacked the Gotham Museum. He has taken the antiquities wing
and has frozen the security guards.
Well
Obviously Gordon Is Wrong As Not All The Security Guards Have Been Frozen Yet.
Here They Are Trying To Fire At Mr. Freeze.
Well
There Goes Those Security Guards
And
Mr. Freeze says that “The Iceman Cometh”. So here is what I am going to do, I
am going to put a quarter in the jar every time Mr. Freeze has some stupid
freezing pun. Trust me, we might get to 10 dollars by the time this film is
done so
[1
quarter in the jar].
Another
guard gets captured and pleads to not be frozen and Mr. Freeze says that his
conditioner has left him cold to his pleas of mercy.
[2
quarters in the jar]
And
he freezes the guard. Mr. Freeze notices a diamond in glass so he freezes the
display. It breaks and he gets the diamond. He says that in this universe,
there is one absolute and that is everything freezes.
[3
quarters in the jar]
Batman
breaks through the ceiling glass.
Batman
Would Pay For The Broken Glass, But He’s Batman So The Museum Is Shit Out Of
Luck.
Batman
introduces himself and….
And
Goes Dino-Surfing Like Fred Flintstone.
Fred
Is Not Amused
Batman
jumps up and hits Mr. Freeze, knocking the diamond out of his hand. Mr. Freeze
tells Batman that he is not sending him to the cooler.
[4
quarters in the jar]
Robin
breaks through the door (something Robin is also not paying for). Robin nearly
broke a jar by kicking it in the air, but Batman catches it while telling Robin
that if he breaks it, he buys it. Robin also kicked Mr. Freeze’s gun into a
higher place so Mr. Freeze has his hockey minions (three of whom worked for
Harvey Dent in Batman Forever, another being the guy on stilts who got killed
in Uncle Sam, and a third being Baraka from Mortal Kombat: Annihilation) go
after them to get the diamond back.
Of
Course Mr. Freeze Has Hockey Minions. What Other Minions Would Mr. Freeze
Have?? And No, That Doesn’t Count As A Penny In The Jar!
Batman
& Robin activate their skates
Because
Of Course Batman & Robin Have Those
They
also steal two sticks and Batman tells Robin to get the diamond while he deals
with Mr. Freeze or as Batman says “You get the ice while I get the iceman.” I
know Mr. Freeze didn’t say it, but it still counts in this movie and of course
since they did 2 of them.
[6
quarters in the jar].
So
Robin Plays Hockey With The Thugs.
But
before Batman can get to him, Mr. Freeze beats up some more security guards and
launches one up in the air so he can knock his freeze gun back to him.
Alley-Oop
Robin
tells Batman he has the diamond and then Mr. Freeze asks a question.
Mr. Freeze: What killed the
dinosaurs?? The Ice Age!!!
[7
quarters in the jar]
With
that Mr. Freeze freezes the dinosaur statue
Which
Breaks (And Roars For Unknown Reasons)
In
the chaos, Robin gets the diamond stolen from him by one of the goons, who
passes it to Mr. Freeze.
Freeze
turns his Freeze car (he has one) into a Freeze rocket and blasts off with
Batman able to get in.
Freeze
thanks Batman for getting in before knocking him below. Also good news for him
later his Robin was able to hitch a ride on the outside of the rocket.
Mr.
Freeze then sees Batman at the bottom of the rocket and freezes his arms to the
wall.
Mr.
Freeze then reveals his plan for this rocket to go to Outer Space, where Batman
will freeze because of the cold air of space. He brings some puns like the “Ice
Cold of Space” and “His Heart Will Freeze”.
[9
quarters in the jar]
Mr.
Freeze then says that after he has “frozen”, the icy tomb will fall back onto
Gotham. Two more ice related stuff for Mr. Freeze
[11
quarters in the jar]
Batman
says that if this capsule falls onto Gotham, it will slaughter thousands. Mr.
Freeze’s response is “Freeze Well”.
[12
quarters in the jar]
And
Mr. Freeze ejects himself out of the rocket.
And
Has Wings On His Suit To Boost. Man, Marvel’s Falcon Might Get Pissed At Him
For Stealing Those.
Robin
gets in through the whole Mr. Freeze left by ejecting and frees Batman (which
Batman seems sort of ungrateful for since he wanted Robin to stay at the museum
and round up some thugs). Robin basically calls Batman out on this and Batman
doesn’t respond. Batman sets a bomb to blow up the rocket so it will never go
back down and destroy Gotham. So how do Batman & Robin get out?
Yep….By
Using Doors As Sky-Boards, Like Sonic The Hedgehog Did In Sonic Adventure 2.
Batman
gets on Mr. Freeze and knocks the diamond away from him, which Robin grabs.
Robin even screams “Cow-a-bung-a” on the way down.
Raphael
Is Not Amused
Mr.
Freeze falls into the furnace and freezes it so he can make a nice landing.
And
Would Probably Break A Dozen Bones In His Body In Reality.
Mr.
Freeze leaves through the door and Batman & Robin follow. They fight at a
random place that has a liquid thawing area (for reasons we will see later).
Robin tries to attack Mr. Freeze, but Freeze shoots him with the freeze gun.
Mr.
Freeze takes the diamond from Robin’s frozen body (while telling him to “Stay
Cool, Birdboy”)
[13
quarters in the jar]
He
then tells Batman he has two choices: go after him and be cold…
[14
pennies in the jar]
Or
he can thaw out Robin. Batman chooses to thaw out Robin. Mr. Freeze says
Batman’s emotions make him weak and that’s why this day is his. He then says
that he will kill Batman next time before leaving in the car that reappears.
Batman thaws Robin in the liquid that I mentioned earlier. Robin then asks if
they got him, which Batman gives him a look that says “No dumbass, your stupid,
reckless ass let him get away because I had to save you”.
In
a lab in South America,
Only
Later Will We Learn This Is In South America So I Am Already Just Spoiling It
As It Isn’t That Big A Deal In The Grand Scheme
Pamela
Isley has just failed to combine the rattlesnake with the orchid once again.
But
She Still Has High Hopes For The Animal/Plant Cross Breedings.
Pam
says that if she can have enough venom, she can have these plants fight back
like animals, which in her mind….gives flora a chance against the thoughtless
ravages of man. We then hear a scream from behind the door and Pamela makes a
personal note of her work proceeding faster if her boss Dr. Woodrue weren’t
always whisking her venom samples away into his lab, which he won’t let her in.
Ah
Yes, The DC Comic Villain Known As The Floronic Man.
Unfortunately,
he never turns into the Floronic Man in this film and is just some random crazy
scientist. So Pamela sneaks into his lab, where she sees Woodrue talking with
evil dictators and trying to sell them on the Venom formula.
Hey,
It’s John Glover.
Who
is John Glover, you ask? Well, he is a very accomplished actor who has done a
lot of work like be the Magnavolt Salesman in Robocop 2, be Daniel Clamp in
Gremlins 2: The New Batch, be Brice Cummings in Scrooged, and of course, he was
the voice of the Riddler in Batman: The Animated Series. Yes, this guy….was one
of the best versions of the Riddler ever, Joel Schumacher could get this guy,
and they chose Jim Carrey instead.
Look,
I know he looks nothing like the Riddler right now. But get him a haircut, some dye, a
shave, and some clothes and he could have pulled it off with his voice. Hell,
he only did two movies in 1995 and neither one were theatrical films. But of
course, we had to have a name actor in the role instead of an actual actor who
can freaking pull the role off. So instead we have John Glover play the role of
a character who in the comics becomes a real supervillain, but in this film…not
so much.
Okay,
enough of that rant…he gets a prisoner who has a life in prison sentence and
the last of his subjects, who is pretty skinny.
Well,
I’ll Give Them This…If They Are Going To Get People Who May Be Pathetically Skinny…
Get
The Guy Who Played The Sloth Victim In Se7en
They
put a mask on the man and inject his head with a crap load of Venom so this
measly guy can turn into the powerhouse villain known as Bane.
Oh,
did I forget to mention Bane is in this movie? Well, he is…and he is basically
just the #1 minion in this film. Nope, he is not a sophisticated, steroid
addled villain who in the comic books, broke Batman’s back. He is just a
mindless thug for the villains of this film. And he is played by Jeep Swenson,
whose only other well-known credit was being in WCW.
As
Originally Called The Final Solution On Nitro, Before The Idiots Up In WCW Were
Told To Change It Because, I Don’t Know…The Final Solution Was Also What Hitler
Called His Death Camps For The Jewish Prisoners (Not Like That Was Hard To Know
About). So In The Doomsday Cage Match At
Uncensored, He Was Known As The Ultimate Solution.
Woodrue
notices that Isley is in his lab and he takes her away to have a talk. There,
he wants her to join him in his plan to sell Venom as a weapon. He also
mentions that there original sponsor didn’t have the stomach to turn Venom into
a weapon so he cut the funding. Pamela understandably says no to his plan to use
her “good-natured” plans of cross-breeding plants with animals into a weapon
for war, so Woodrue decides that she must die. He throws her into some
chemicals and dumps some more chemicals on her. Letting her sink to the ground
with the plants and snakes.
Back
at the Bat Cave, Bruce Wayne (aka Batman) then shows the origin of Mr. Freeze,
which basically is like the origin in the Batman: The Animated Series (without
the thugs causing the bad things). Victor Fries (2 time Olympic Decathlete
& Nobel-Prize Winner For Molecular Biology) is trying to find a cure for
his wife who has a late stage of McGregor’s Syndrome, hoping to freeze her in a
cryogenic state so the disease won’t get any worse while he figures out the
cure. Unfortunately, an explosion happens in his lab and he falls into some
freezing liquid.
Victor
Fries survived somehow, but his wife is assumed dead. Alfred leaves this
discussion because as we all can guess, Alfred is sick and this news might be
depressing to him. Bruce then reveals that Fries needs cold to survive and his
suit uses diamonds to keep his body cold. Bruce then makes another joke about
it being ice that the iceman wants.
[16
quarters in the jar]
Bruce
then says to Alfred that they need the Wayne Diamonds so they can set a trap
for Mr. Freeze. We then gives Dick Grayson (aka Robin) shit for being reckless
and nearly getting himself killed. Dick then asks why Bruce won’t trust him,
which Alfred agrees upon. Look…last movie, I can understand Alfred seeing that
Bruce is being a dick to well, Dick (sorry for that bad pun), but this
film…Dick Grayson is well, a complete whiner who deserves the shit he gets from
Bruce most of the time. Sorry, but Alfred shouldn’t be agreeing with him.
Although Alfred does say that Dick does fallen the same situation he did when
he was a kid (even mentioning that while Bruce may trust Alfred, the butler
won’t be there forever). And after Alfred leaves, Bruce remembers a moment when
Alfred was the true father figure for him when he was a child.
Back
in the South American lab, Dr. Woodrue is talking to the mysterious bidder, who
we learn won the bidding for Bane. Suddenly, tremors come from the ground and
from it arises Pamela Isley.
Unfortunately,
it is here where we get Uma Thurman playing Poison Ivy and acting like a 50s
seductress and as much jokes as we give Arnold for Mr. Freeze, Uma Thurman is
WORSE as Poison Ivy. The way she delivers this dialogue feels completely forced
and not Uma Thurman whatsoever. Anyway, Pamela says that she has had a change
of heart on Woodrue’s offer, admitting the animal-plant toxins had a unique
effect on her. She says that they replaced her blood with aloe, her skin with
chlorophyll and then she talks about her lips before kissing Woodrue. After
doing so, she says that her lips have been filled with venom. The mad doctor
realizes what has happened and after a few minutes of painful coughing, he
dies.
Well,
So Much For Getting The Floronic Man
She
says that it is a jungle in here and goes on a speech about being Mother Nature
herself. She has decided that it is time for plants to take back the Earth,
which is rightfully theirs. She sets the lab on fire and when seeing that a
beaker says Wayne Enterprises, decides that she needs to meet with Bruce Wayne
and for some reason also controls Bane now too.
At
Snowy Cones Ice Cream…
Which
Is Of Course Where Mr. Freeze’s Lair Is.
The
Year Without Santa Claus is playing with the Snow Miser song being sung. Mr.
Freeze is in his pajamas conducting his men (who are freezing by the way) to
sing the song for him.
I’m
Sure Arnold Enjoyed The Hell Out Of This Scene
His
minions suck at singing (which is understandable as they are cold as hell) that even Mr. Freeze gives up on them. Then the
resident Freeze groupie shows up, named Ms. B. Haven, and she is played by the
lovely Vivica A Fox.
She
tries to get into Mr. Freeze’s pants, saying she would weather blizzards just
to have him.
[17
quarters in the jar]
She
wants to “heat things up” (which I would put a penny in the jar, but it is a
hot pun so can’t do that). He declines and she says “talk about your cold
shoulder.” Well, I can absolutely count that one.
[18
quarters in the jar]
Ms.
B. Haven gives him a booty bump and she leaves, never again to be seen in this
movie. No, I’m not kidding. Vivica A. Fox’s role in this film is just basically
a cameo. Vivica thanks them for the paycheck He then calls for one of his
guards, who he names Frosty (sadly can’t count that one as that is who the
credits say his character’s name is).
Mr.
Freeze puts more diamonds in his suit, saying battling Batman drained a lot of
power. He says he was still successful though and says he needs one more giant
diamond for his freezing engine will be complete. He reveals his plan is to
freeze the city and then he will hold Gotham ransom for billions, as he needs
it to finish his research….so he can find a cure. He then has Frosty leave so
he can gaze into the chamber that holds his wife in cryogenic stasis.
You
Knew That Since This Was Based On The Animated Series, That His Cryogenically
Frozen Wife Would Be Still Alive. Even If You Didn’t Watch Batman: The Animated
Series (Which In That Case, What Is Wrong With You…It Is One Of The Best
Cartoons Ever), Her Being Alive Is Not That Much Of A Twist.
At
Wayne Manor the next day, a young woman comes to the door. She rings the
doorbell and Alfred is rather slow to get it so Dick Grayson gets it instead.
Hi
Clueless
This
young woman’s name is Barbara Wilson, and she is here to see her Uncle Alfred. This
is definitely a huge departure from Barbara Gordon, who was Commissioner
Gordon’s daughter and Batgirl in the comics. But in this film, this will be our
Batgirl. While you are replacing her being related to one important character
with another important character. Having her be Alfred’s niece instead of
Commissioner Gordon’s daughter really takes away a huge intrigue into Barbara’s
character as she has to keep her Batgirl identity a secret from her own father
and since Alfred is probably the only person who has known who Batman was at
the very beginning, that intrigue will be completely gone when she turns into
Batgirl because why wouldn’t he freaking know.
Dick
is infatuated with her and it is understandable for us as in many of the comics
and TV shows, there was always romantic tension between Dick Grayson and
Barbara Gordon, but it never really went anywhere. Barbara has of course come
all the way from England, which is very curious as Barbara never once displays
any form of an English accent, which if she had been in England for a while as
this film suggests, she probably would have gotten one by adaptation to society
around her. It is also revealed that Barbara’s parents (who were Alfred’s
sister and brother in law) died in a car crash. She says she is “on break”
(which we’ll find out means something else later) and we also see she likes the
motorcycle that Dick Grayson had in the last film. He reveals that it is a
competition racer and he has been fixing it up. He says maybe he’ll show her
how to ride it sometime, which Alfred retorts that he certainly will not. She
lies and says that she is terrified of “these things”. They convince her to
stay with them while she is here.
That
night, we see Alfred on his computer when Barbara comes in, saying she came to
tuck him in. He reveals to her that he is trying to find his brother (her other
uncle) Wilfred. He is apparently first butler to the Maharaja of some place I
can’t spell. Apparently it is somewhere in India. He says he has been trying to
reach him with no success and we see he has a picture of Barbara’s mother
Margaret who he called Peg. He says that when one grows ancient, one yearns for
family, which is true and luckily for my surviving grandparents, they have a
lot of family living near them and visit anytime. They have a tender moment
where they admit that they both missed each other. She leaves before telling
her uncle to go to bed.
After
leaving Alfred’s room, Barbara takes off the robe to reveal a jump suit.
Oh….you were expecting me to say that she had nothing under that robe? This is
a PG-13 film, not a porn parody. She grabs a leather jacket and a motorcycle
helmet from her room and sneaks out through a window. She then takes the bike
and leaves the property.
The
next day, we see a red limo which Bane is driving and is ridden in by Poison
Ivy.
This
Picture Is Just Perfect For Mockery
Poison
Ivy puts on a blonde wig and tells Bane to take her to Gotham Observatory. At
Gotham Observatory…
What
A Strange Design For An Observatory
Bruce
here starts off his speech by saying his father once told him that to succeed,
you need to pick a star and follow it. He says because of that, Wayne
Enterprises is donating the world’s most advanced telescope to Gotham’s
Observatory Restoration Project. He says that with any luck, this telescope
will give future generations a chance to follow their own stars. It is here
that we also meet Bruce’s new girlfriend Julie Madison, played by Ellen
McPherson.
Julie
Madison (Unlike Chase Meridian) Was Actually In The Comic Books As Bruce
Wayne’s First Real Girlfriend, Which Is Different From The Movies Where Vicki
Vale Was The First. Oh And Gossip Gerty Is Back From Batman Forever As Well
(Played By The Same Actress)
The
scientific aides reveal that the telescope works with satellites all across the
world, which will mean we will see anywhere in the sky. Bruce then makes the
joke that they better not point that telescope in his bedroom. Bruce is asked
if he is going to tie the knot with Ms. Madison since they have been going out
for quite some time now and Bruce is very flummoxed by the idea of marriage.
Julie steps in for him by saying Bruce and her are recklessly in love and that
is enough for them…..for now. He then wants everyone to follow him to the
central control grid. But before they get there, Pamela Isley comes through
security.
The
Guy In The Back Played E. Honda In Street Fighter
Wayne
reveals that he remembers Dr. Woodrue, and that he cut off funding after
finding out he was a lunatic. He also says that the lab burned down apparently
and is glad she is alive. She gives Bruce a proposal on how Wayne Enterprises
can cease all actions that toxify the environment. She says to forget the stars
and focus on the Earth as it deserves his loyalty and protection. Bruce says
that her intentions are noble, but with her plan, millions of people will die of
food and hunger alone. She says that it is a necessary risk to save the
environment and Bruce says that people come first. He then gives her a black
envelope, which contains an invitation to a event to auction off a prized
diamond to raise money for Gotham’s Botanical Gardens, which Batman and Robin
will be at. He thanks everyone for coming and says good day to Isley before
leaving.
While
leaving, Pamela talks to herself about Batman & Robin being militant arms
of the warm-blooded oppressors and animal protectors of the status quo. She
says that first, she will rid herself of the fur and feathered pests and then
Gotham will be hers for the greening.
Back
at Mr. Freeze’s hideout, he is watching the wedding video between him and his
wife. Frosty then comes in to interrupt Freeze’s viewing with some news. Mr.
Freeze doesn’t appreciate this and shoots him with his freeze gun.
Mr.
Freeze Freezes The Guy Who Was A Thug For Harvey Dent In Batman Forever “Like A
Boss”
He
then makes an “on the nose” joke about hating it when people talk during the
movie (don’t we all?). He watches as we see Victor (before the accident) giving
his wife the snowflake necklace and he talks about them needing one more
diamond. He then goes over to the frozen Frosty and sees the newspaper he was
holding that reveals the event that will be loaning the Wayne Diamonds to for
auction.
We
then go to the fundraising event where one of the people attending this place
was Anne from Demonic Toys.
Oh Boy, I Get To Go To A Rich People Party.
That
Is Apparently Jungle Themed
We
have Commissioner Gordon holding the Wayne Diamonds as we begin the auction
with several fine looking ladies acting as women being bid on and the highest
one gets the diamonds around their neck. Of course, Batman & Robin
basically talk and remind us that this is all a trap to lure Mr. Freeze from
hiding. In the background, we see a pink and a purple gorilla (seriously)
running in the background, knocking off dancers from their position. Suddenly,
sultry music conveniently begins as the pink gorilla starts dancing exotically.
Kneel
Before My Exotic Dancing, You Silly Humans.
The
gorilla takes off the costume to reveal Poison Ivy.
Robin: Batman, Why Are We
Seeing An Attractive Woman In A Ridiculous Gorilla Costume
Batman: I Don’t Know,
Robin
Poison
Ivy blows some dust (which is pheromones to attract men to her).
This
of course entrances the men and she is able to do this completely choreographed
scene where she walks over men in Tarzan costumes.
This
Scene Must Have Been In Uma Thurman’s Contract For This Film
This
introduction to her for the Gotham crowd may be supposed to be sexy and
seductive, but I still can’t get over the ridiculous purple gorilla suit that
takes me completely out of the scene. It’s like I always said to Porno Pete
about watching Cleavagefield, “No amount of tits and ass will make me forget a
fake CGI Flinstone Style Dinosaur with a Beer Belly”. It kind of rings true
here. You can parade Poison Ivy as being this bombshell femme fetale for me all
you want, I still remember the ridiculous gorilla trying to do an exotic dance
because it is ridiculously funny as hell.
Anyway,
Poison Ivy introduces herself to the crowd and gives Batman and Robin more
pheromone dust before trying to place the two against each other. She tells
Batman to send Junior home early as she has some wild oats to sew. She then
goes to Robin and tells him youth does have his advantages with endurance and
stamina so he should forget the geriatric bat and join her as her garden needs
tending. She places the Wayne Diamonds around her neck and says that whoever
wins the bidding gets a night with her. She says she will bring everything they
see with her body and everything they don’t.
Of course, the rich old guys (one of them being Jack Betts, who played a
fisherman in Batman Forever) are bidding like hell for her. And eventually
Batman and Robin start bidding too and it comes down to the two of them bidding
against each other. We then get the infamous scene that the Nostalgia Critic
went crazy over.
The
Bat Credit Card Which He Says To Never Leave The Cave Without It.
Okay,
I’ll admit this scene is incredibly stupid and corny as hell. However, you have
to remember that they are going for more of a 60s Batman/90s Batman hybrid and
in the 60s Batman, we had Bat Shark Repellant.
Anything
Else Batman Related Pales In Comparison, Including A Bat Credit Card.
Suddenly,
this ridiculous moment gets interrupted by Mr. Freeze who uses his vehicle to
freeze random people including models and the M.C.
Mr.
Freeze then tells everyone to “chill”. Two things here, Mr. Freeze: 1) This being
a stickup, this is the perfect time to tell everyone here to “Freeze”; and 2)….
[19
quarters in a jar]
Batman
and Robin battle the hockey goons as Mr. Freeze meets with Poison Ivy, wanting
the diamonds.
The
Meeting Of Ridiculous Minds
Poison
Ivy tries the pheromone dust and while Mr. Freeze gives her credit for using
that as a weapon, it doesn’t work on a “cold-hearted” so he tells her again to
give him the diamonds.
[20
quarters in the jar]
She
shows her neck and he takes the diamond. Obviously, Poison Ivy is very
infatuated with Mr. Freeze. He starts to leave, but says to Batman & Robin
that this was a “cool party”.
[21
quarters in the jar]
Mr.
Freeze drives away and Batman tells Commissioner Gordon that he has 11 minutes
to thaw these people before leaving while Robin is still infatuated by Poison
Ivy, so Batman has to drag him off. Gordon tells Ivy that she just met one of
the most sinister men in Gotham before leaving to thaw people. Poison Ivy says
to herself that Mr. Freeze isn’t a man, but a god. She plays with the Gotham
snow globe and gets the purple gorilla to leave with her.
Who
Is Bane Of Course
Grape
Ape Is Sad
Batman
and Robin have a vehicle chase with Mr. Freeze and two cars with minions
(Batman in the Batmobile and Robin in the Redbird Cycle). Mr. Freeze uses his
freeze ray to freeze a path onto the statue and they ride through the statue
before riding off the opposite end. Batman tells Robin he can’t make the jump,
but Robin says he can. Batman then decides to use his computer to disable the
Redbird Cycle so Robin gets halted, which pisses Robin off who screams.
Now
The Actor Realizes The Shitty Movie He Is In And Knows He Definitely Can’t Back
Out Of It Since Half Of The Movie Has Been Shot.
The
two minion cars also don’t make it, killing the minions inside.
Sucks
To Be You, Minions
Mr.
Freeze stops and sees the Batmobile coming at his vehicle and quips that “it is
a cold town” before shooting freeze rays at the Batmobile.
[22
quarters in the jar]
Before
the Batmobile freezes, Batman ejects himself out of it and flies into Mr.
Freeze and in the next shot, we see Mr. Freeze down and out while Batman stands
over him.
After
that happens, we head back to the Batcave where Robin is pissed at Batman for
not trusting him to make the jump. Grayson said that when he was part of the
Flying Graysons, each person had to trust the other to do their part and that
is what partners is all about. Batman responds by accusing Robin of not having
his head on the job and only thinking of Poison Ivy. And then Robin basically
confirms Batman’s suspicions by accusing Batman of only being mad because she
might have wanted Robin more than Batman. Um…Robin, I was with you until you
said that line and now I think Batman did the right thing by making sure you
didn’t try the jump. Your head isn’t in the game, kid.
Robin
throws a hissy fit about it always being Batman’s rules and even complains
about it being Batman & Robin and not Robin & Batman. Batman then says
that yes, it is his rules and it is his rules that keep them freaking alive so
if you want to stay in this house and on this team, you will abide by them.
Then Robin goes back to Batman never trusting him, which I’m sure Batman would
have had more trust in you…if you had not gone on that little whiny rant.
We
go back to Alfred who is recording a message to his brother Wilfred and saying
that he needs to speak to him as they have very little time left, pretty much
giving away that Alfred is not going to be around much longer. Batman goes back
to Bruce Wayne and talks with Alfred as Batman has doubts about himself when it
comes to working with Robin. He asks Alfred if it is always his way or the high
way and Alfred says actually, yes it is. The butler continues that death and
chance stole his parents from him, but rather than become a victim, he has done
everything in his power to control the face. He then asks what is Batman, if
not an effort to master the chaos that sweeps our world and to control death
itself. It’s conversations like these that make Alfred actually the only
redeeming quality of these films as while there is complete shit going all
around him, Alfred (or rather the actor playing him, Michael Gough) still
remains the same, putting in the effort to salvage something from it.
Batman
then reminisces about Alfred being there as he puts flowers on his parents’
grave. He then says to Alfred, “But I can’t can I?” and Alfred responds that
“None of us can”. We then see Barbara Wilson try to sneak the bike back in and
gets caught by Dick Grayson. Dick tries to talk to her, but Barbara’s first
response is to hip toss him to the ground (with sound effects saying that maybe
Barbara broke Dick’s arm even though she didn’t so what was the point of those
sound effects). Dick asks if she learned a few Judo lessons as London is kind
of rough. Dick then says she might have minored in motorbikes. Barbara then
says that she couldn’t resist as it’s beautiful. Yeah, Alicia Silverstone won a
Razzie for her role in this and her acting here, really shows that she kind of
deserved it.
At
Arkham Asylum, two guards put Mr. Freeze in his new room. Freeze wants to
“break the ice” and introduce himself.
[23
quarters in the jar]
He
then says that they should learn it well as it is the “chilling sound of their
doom”.
[24
quarters in the jar]
Freeze
then makes the two guards’ heads collide and tries to escape, but after a few
feet, he falls to the ground, trying to live.
The
one guard laughs and mentions that he can’t live outside the cold zone and that
is how he will stay here.
By
The Way, If That Guard Talking Looks And Sounds Familiar, That’s Because It Is
Arnold’s Longtime Friend, Former Professional Wrestler, And Eventual Governor
Of Minnesota Jesse “The Body” Ventura.
Who
You Might Remember As Abraxas, Guardian Of The Universe
Oh
and the other guy with the eye patch is also familiar because it’s Ralf
Moeller, who was Arnold Calgrove in Seed.
Because
Of Course This Movie Had To Have A Connection With The Worst Movie I Have Ever
Inducted On Monster Crap.
So
for the rest of the time they are in the film, let’s just call them Officer
Abraxas and Officer Calgrove. Back to the film, basically Victor is screwed and
won’t be able to get out of prison on his own.
Meanwhile,
Poison Ivy and Bane go to find a hideout for her and she finds one in a Turkish
Bath with a Do Not Enter sign, that has tenants in it.
Great,
It’s The Neon Painted Geeks. Didn’t We See Their Gang Get Their Ass Kicked In
The Last Film.
Anyway,
they seem to be charmed by Poison Ivy that she doesn’t even need to use her dust
on these guys. She then decides that they can have her….if they can go through
Bane. This doesn't go over well as Bane kicks their asses so they run away. We
then get a scene where Poison Ivy and Bane redecorate the place because that is
always what we needed to see in a Batman movie, interior redecoration.
Coming
Soon To HGTV…Making A Lair, Starring Poison Ivy & Bane
By
the way, Ivy creates CGI plants that have not aged well at all to make this
place her lair.
She
then tells Bane about her plan to free Mr. Freeze as he is someone who strikes
her fancy. She even calls him a “cool customer”.
[25
quarters in the jar]
She
then has Bane clean up the place as they have company coming.
Poison
Ivy…Someone You Would Never Want To Hire To Clean Up A Place
Then
we go to a dinner scene with Bruce Wayne and Julie Madison.
It
is here that Julie wants a commitment from Bruce since they have been going out
for more than a year. Bruce says that he is not the marrying kind as there are
things about him she would not understand. She says that Bruce will make
someone a good husband someday, but she can’t wait around forever. She then
tries to tell Bruce she doesn’t want to pressure him (even though that is
exactly what she is doing), but all Bruce can think about is Poison Ivy. It
comes even to the point where even though we see it, he says Ivy, which
confuses and makes Julie distraught enough to wonder “who is Ivy?” Bruce
answers that he wishes he knew.
Now
before I even started this film, I got things said about this character like
she is worse than Chase Meridian in looks and attitude. They hated her wanting
a commitment from Bruce while Chase was just willing to just have sex with him.
My opinion of this matter is Elle McPhearson may not be a good actress (not
even close to Nicole Kidman), but for the little role that she had, she was
okay. And here is why I am going to say this. She portrayed Julie Madison as
the way Julie Madison was portrayed in most of the comics. Like I mentioned,
she was Bruce Wayne’s first love interest and this was really her ultimate
reason for leaving Batman in the early comics, because she couldn’t wait
forever and wanted a commitment. So sorry, but I’m not in much of the hating
her as some people are.
Meanwhile
in the Bat Cave, Robin is wondering the exact thing about Ivy, before an alarm
goes off in the cave, notifying Robin that something is happening. He sees
Barbara going on a ride with the motorcycle and decides to follow. So where is
Barbara going at night? To a place where they race motorcycles organized by a
man named Banker. This place is of course run by lowlifes like…
These
Men In Wigs
These
Guys Who Like The Droogs From A Clockwork Orange
Then
we meet Banker who…
Is
Played By Coolio.
You
Might Remember Him As 187 From Dracula 3000
Now
you have to remember that he was a big deal in the mid to late 90s so him
making an appearance in this film, sort of makes sense as he was also on the
damn soundtrack as well. A rival biker (whose name is Spike) comes and knows
that she was the one who won the tunnel run two nights ago, but says that she
isn’t going to win this race as the tunnel run was kids’ stuff.
He
tries to tell her to go home, but being the “rebel” Barbara is, she says they
should have a side bet which the other biker agrees to. And we see obviously
that one of the racers is Dick Grayson.
The
Eyes And The Robin Helmet From The Last Film Give It Away
Spike
tells his gang to wait for him at a certain spot as there is obviously an
ambush being planned. Banker uses balloons and a gun in the air to begin the
race. The race is completely unbelievable as there sparks showing up for no
damn reason and there are freaking balloons on the track. Spike uses the gang
to try and have Barbara killed by falling off a broken bridge, which should
have been hinted that he was going off track because having a track leading to
a broken bridge makes no sense whatsoever.
The
bikes go off the edge, but Dick is able to save Barbara.
By
Complete Freaking Luck
The
next scene, they somehow have apparently been able to get out of that situation
and are back in the garage where Dick is wondering why Barbara is doing this.
Barbara reveals after her parents died, the speed and danger was take him out
of himself and made the pain go away. She says he wouldn’t understand, even
though Dick’s parents died too. She reveals that street racing wasn’t acceptable
at her academy so she got kicked out, but she says it doesn’t matter as she won
all the money she needs. Dick asks what does she need that money for and she
reveals she wants to take Alfred away from being a butler as she thinks they
abuse him.
All
The While Looking Like She Has A Five O’Clock Shadow.
He
tries to say Alfred loves it here and she reveals that Alfred is sick before
leaving.
Bruce
tells Robin that Alfred isn’t sick, but that he is actually dying. Dick wonders
why Alfred didn’t tell them and Bruce says he should know Alfred would never
say anything about his health, but Bruce can tell. Dick is distraught by this
news and Bruce is as well.
At
Arkham Asylum, Mr. Freeze is making a little ice sculpture of his beloved wife
and then puts it in a device that allows it to spin, making it like a little
spinning ballerina.
It’s
Actually Kind Of Touching And Shows That Victor Is Smart.
The
villain then gets told by Officer Abraxas & Officer Calgrove that he has a
visitor who is his sister, which is funny as Victor doesn’t have a sister so
guess who it is???
Of
Course, It Is Poison Ivy.
She
then takes off her coat and the two guards have already fallen for her, which
is weird because she didn’t even need to use the pheromone dust on these two.
But
She Uses It Anyway
She
then gets both guards to kiss her and they die.
Meanwhile,
in the criminal property locker…
Hey,
They Have Stuff From Two-Face & Riddler, But Not Penguin Or Joker.
Bane
breaks in through a wall to steal Mr. Freeze’s suit and take out the guard watching over it.
Oh
Yea…..Ow, Hit My Head On The Ceiling Lamp
Mr.
Freeze is impressed by Poison Ivy’s ability to kill men by kissing them. She
says she has been impressed with him as well, also calling him “her most
abominable snowman”.
[26
quarters in the jar]
She
proposes a pairing, which Mr. Freeze is interested by. She has come to set him
free, but Mr. Freeze wonders what she wants in return. She just gives him the
eyes.
Oh
Freeze…I Think You Can Guess What I Want
She
then says “let’s cool it for now” because we have a guest coming.
[27
quarters in the jar]
That
guest being Bane, who goes past security with Mr. Freeze’s suit on what looks
like a mine cart and once he delivers it to him, Mr. Freeze has the perfect
quip for this that actually makes me chuckle every time I hear it for a reason
unknown to me.
Freeze: A Laundry Service
That Delivers…..Wow!
The
guards are trying to break the door down while the trio plan their escape. Bane
tries to punch through the wall, but since it is re-enforced steel, no luck
there. But Mr. Freeze uses a pipe from his suit that keeps him cold to freeze
the pipes and break the wall.
Mr.
Freeze even says that you should always winterize your pipes.
[28
quarters in the jar]
They
go and see how high they are from the cell.
As
the only other way out is through the guards, they just jump….
And
Surprisingly Don’t Die.
It
is also revealed to Poison Ivy that Mr. Freeze has a wife they need to retrieve
that Poison Ivy is none too fond of hearing.
Back
at Wayne Manor, Bruce confronts Alfred on his sickness and says he can get him
the best doctors, which Alfred says he has already done so as a gentleman does
not discuss his ailments as it is rather uncivilized. Bruce then asks if Alfred
ever regretted working here and says he doesn’t regret one minute of looking
after heroes. Well, he has one regret and that is he was never able to be out
there with them. Bruce then says not all heroes wear masks, hinting that he
considers Alfred a hero to him. Dick then comes down to reveal that Freeze has
escaped.
The
two get themselves into their costumes and Batman & Robin go to Freeze’s
old hideout with the cops (one of them being played by the “Handsome Reporter”
from Batman Forever who is credited as “Handsome Cop”) and Commissioner Gordon.
They know Mr. Freeze will come here to get his diamonds back to re-charge his
suit so they will wait for him. Gordon reveals via a surveillance camera that
both Bane and Poison Ivy helped him escape. Gordon also reveals that two nights
ago, these two appeared from South Africa by a charter plane, putting 10
security guards in the hospital and left a business man dead from swallowing
organic poisons, then stealing his limousine. Batman and Robin both agree that
Poison Ivy is evil, can’t believe they were fighting over her, and then agree
that they are so over her. The two then find Freeze’s cryogenically frozen
wife. It is here that they find out that Mr. Freeze has found a cure for Stage
1 of McGregor’s Syndrome. Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, and Bane sneak in from
underneath. Poison Ivy has the great plan of Mr. Freeze grabbing the diamonds
while she grabs his snowy bride, which Mr. Freeze agrees with.
[29
quarters in the jar]
Um….no
questions as to how and all? Yeah, Freeze….you basically just handed Poison Ivy
an easy way to sabotage your wife. Poison Ivy also says that Freeze should
leave Batman & Robin to her. Then she blows dust at the two.
Both
men know that it is Poison Ivy doing it so they go underneath to find her.
Meanwhile, Mr. Freeze sees all the police in the lab and hates that they are
uninvited guests so he pulls a lever to create cold smoke that causes the
guards to wildly cough and faint as Freeze grabs his diamonds. He then says
that he is “chilled to perfection”.
[30
quarters in the jar]
Thankfully
as Mr. Freeze escapes and before they all die, Commissioner Gordon is able to
pull the lever to turn off the freezing gas.
Batman
and Robin go down to find Bane. They fight Bane, but Poison Ivy pulls Robin to
the side and blows more pheromone dust in him, basically turning Robin back in
love with her.
Robin
goes back to fight Bane as Batman falls and Ivy tries to seduce Batman, but
unfortunately for her, her dust doesn’t work on him now that he knows she is
evil. He tries to get her to reveal where Freeze is, but she says probably the
most pain inducing line in the movie before Bane attacks Batman.
Poison Ivy: I’m a lover, not a
fighter. That’s why every Poison Ivy action figure comes complete with him!
I
want you people in Warner Brothers and whatever toy company does the Batman figures, I
hope you all are EXTREMELY glad that I never found a Poison Ivy action figure
because after hearing that line, I was so freaking tempted to find one so I
could just to break it. Even the cartoons in the 80s that were basically just
shows to sell the freaking toys, didn’t go that far to refer to themselves as
action figures. You just basically in your own freaking movie basically tried
to sell an action figure with the dialogue. Oh and I looked this up.
Congrats
On That Line Being A Complete Lie To All The Little Kids, You Exploitive
Bastards.
In
fact, the funny thing is….I’ve looked and the action figures can come in a
combo with Batman or Robin, but none of them come with Bane.
Anyway,
as Batman is fighting Bane again, Poison Ivy once again goes for Robin,
tempting him with being a solo hero and having his own signal in the sky. She
is about to kiss and kill him, but Batman stops it from happening by telling
Robin that her lips are poison and she used it to kill the businessmen at the
airport. Robin then goes back to being argumentative with Batman by once again
thinking Batman is jealous that she likes Robin more than Batman. While the two
are fighting, Poison Ivy and Bane get away.
But
of course Poison Ivy has one more thing to do before leaving.
That’s
Cut The Cord To Victor’s Wife’s Cryogenic Tank.
She
says to the frozen wife that she has never been good with competition and who
needs a frigid wife.
[31
quarters in the jar]
Back
at the Turkish Bath that Poison Ivy has turned into her lair, Poison Ivy comes
back and sees that Mr. Freeze has already decorated a part of the lair for his
needs.
But
No Scene Where Freeze Interior Decorates That Part? Come On, Movie…How Will We
Know How He Did It?
Poison
Ivy then lies to Mr. Freeze and says that Batman deactivated his wife’s
chamber, killing her. She even shows the necklace as “proof” of her death.
Freeze sees this and produces a CGI tear from his eye.
Now
Freeze is really pissed. He basically wants to kill Batman & Robin, saying
their bones will turn to ice.
[32
quarters in the jar]
He
then says that their blood will freeze in his hands.
[33
quarters in the jar]
But
Poison Ivy is able to convince him to destroy all of humanity with his freeze
engine as well. He then says that he will blanket the city in endless winter.
[34
quarters in the jar]
Poison
Ivy then reveals that she agrees with his plan and says everything dead on
earth, but them which will be a chance for Mother Nature to start again. She
then shows the plant-snake hybrid that she has created which will be the dawn
of a new age. Freeze is okay with this as they will recreate Adam & Eve,
called Adam and Evil. Freeze ends by having her go to distract Batman &
Robin while he goes to freeze Gotham. Not going to put a quarter for that one
as that is basically the plan and not really a pun.
Back
at Wayne Manor, the doctor reveals that Alfred has Stage 1 of McGregor’s
Syndrome. After that, they talk about Freeze having a cure for Alfred’s stage,
but they don’t know how. Bruce then says he has to go to a dedication ceremony
and then go after Freeze and Ivy alone. Dick is completely against this idea,
thinking that he wants to capture Ivy for himself to hog all the glory. Bruce
then says that she has done something to them to cause a wedge, but Dick once
again goes with the “you don’t like it that she likes me more than you”
routine, which is pretty old now. He even says that he wants his own signal and
wants to go solo so he can no longer live in Batman’s shadow.
Barbara
talks with Alfred and he tells her to find a way to give Wilfred the CD he made
as he has duties that his brother must fill in his stead as only family can be
trusted. She says she will do it, but after leaving….goes to the computer and
wants to see what is on the CD herself.
Meanwhile,
we are back at Gotham Observatory for the dedication ceremony. We see Julie
with Bruce just being eye candy. And that is the last you will see of her
character as many of her scenes were cut out of the movie and Julie is the
first ever love interest that is not featured prominently in this film. Nothing
much really happens here other than Pamela Isley’s conversation with Commissioner
Gordon. She tries to seduce Gordon and uses the dust to get him to fall in love
with her. She wants to see the Bat Signal and Gordon gives her the keys. After
getting the keys, she says Gordon is too old for her and leaves, while Gordon
wishes for her to come back. Bruce sees this with the dust’s smell, but does
nothing about it.
We
go back to Freeze with his goons as he makes this declaration.
Freeze: First, I will turn
Gotham into an icy graveyard. Then, I will pull Batman’s heart from his body
and feel it freeze in my hands.
Well,
two cold puns so…
[36
quarters in the jar]
Pamela
then has Bane rip apart the Bat Signal.
Barbara
tries to find out what is in the CD, but it is password protected. She tries
using Alfred, which is wrong. Then she tries in order: Wayne, England, and
Margaret. She finally looks at the picture of her mom and sees Peg is signed on
it, so she uses Peg as the password. Turns out Peg was the password and she is
able to get what is inside the CD, which is the information that reveals
everything about Batman, Robin, and The Bat Cave.
Meanwhile,
Bruce tends to Alfred, who is in bed. He whispers that he has tried his entire
life to beat back death. But he feels he has failed as everything he is capable
of and has done, can’t save Alfred. Alfred tells Bruce that there is no defeat
in death as victory comes in defending what we know is right while we still
live. Bruce once again reminisces about a time in his childhood with Alfred,
this time Alfred reading him a bedtime story. Bruce then says to Alfred, “I
love you, old man.” Alfred says that he loves Bruce too. Then Bruce hugs him.
Freeze
goes to the Gotham Observatory and reveals that with the combined power of the
telescopes’ crystals will complete his freezing engine. And Bane is in the
back.
Finally,
I Get To Be The Passenger And Not The Driver.
The
Robin Signal shows up.
Robin
comes out and Bruce wonders where he is going. Robin says that Ivy needs him as
the signal is up. Bruce says that Ivy is Pamela Isley and she must have stolen
Gordon’s keys and changed the signal. Robin says that she did it out of love.
Bruce says that she has infected them with some sort of pheromone extract. Once
again, Robin goes with that argument that I’m not even going to bother
repeating because it is old as hell. Bruce tells Robin this line that can be
construed in so many ways.
Bruce: She wants to kill
you, Dick.
Bruce
finally goes back to what Robin said a while ago about being part of a team
means you have to trust your partner and sometimes, counting on someone else is
the only way to win. Bruce says he wasn’t talking about partners, he was
talking about being a family so he is asking Robin to trust him this one time.
This actually causes Robin pause, but we won’t find out his answer till later
as we need to go to the next scene.
At
Gotham Observatory, two scientists (played by a guy who was Data’s Father in
the Goonies (who was also an executive in Batman Forever) and a woman who was
Margaret in Batman Forever (whoever that was)) are setting up the crystals for
the telescope when Mr. Freeze barges in with Bane. The guy scientist asks “who
is this nutball”, which Freeze responds to by shooting him with the freeze gun.
You
Know, Male Scientist…That Really Hurt Mr. Freeze’s Feelings. Can’t You Tell
That He Immediately Shot You After You Said That.
After
the woman scientist screams, she gets shot as well.
Bane
starts setting up bombs that look like icicles everywhere for some reason and
if you didn’t know they were bombs, Bane is here to help you out by mumbling
“bomb” after every one he places. Mr. Freeze ascends to the crystals and sets
up the freeze engine, saying this line.
Freeze: If revenge is a
dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday best…and feast.
[37
quarters in the jar]
The
machine begins to work and Mr. Freeze says that “tonight, hell freezes over.”
[38
quarters in the jar]
I
Think Mr. Freeze Is Rooting For Me To Pass 10 Dollars And We Are Rather Close
To Getting There.
Back
at the Bat Cave, Barbara decides to enter since apparently it was easy to get
in despite last time, Robin needing his freaking acrobatic skills and even
then, he discovered it by accident. So Barbara enters and immediately sets off
one of the motion detectors that were easy to freaking see.
Barbara
Really Is Clueless Here
Alfred
on the computer says there is an intruder alert, but is sentient enough to know
it is Barbara speaking when she says it is her. He basically explains that as
he programmed his brain algorithms into the computer, meaning while Alfred is
sick upstairs, he is fine down here so obviously McGregor’s Syndrome is not a
disease of the brain or we would be getting some rather strange glitches.
Barbara
says in the most unconvincing tone that she would like to help Batman and
Robin. Alfred says he thought as much so he took the liberty to create
something in her size. So she says suit me up and we get the suiting up montage.
With
Bat Ass, But No Bat Nipples
Robin
goes to Poison Ivy’s lair, which is where the Robin signal directed him to,
where he meets Ivy sitting out of a throne made to be a flower and open up like
a flower.
Poison
Ivy Is Looking At All The Girls Giggling And Saying “Oh Come On, I Would Want
One Of These If You Were A Supervillain. You’re All Just Jealous I Actually Was
Able To Make One.”
Poison
Ivy continues to seduce Robin and she wants the kiss, but Robin will only do so
once she reveals her plan. So like the dumbass she is, she reveals that the
plan is for Mr. Freeze to use the Gotham Observatory to freeze all of Gotham or
as she said it, “is about to turn Gotham into an ice cube.”
[39
quarters in the jar]
Robin
says he has to stop him, but Poison Ivy stops him and says she just wants one
kiss. So Robin kisses her and Poison Ivy then says that she is afraid he is in
for some bad luck and it is time for him to die. But as anyone knows with him
basically insisting on her revealing the plan, this was a trap.
Yep,
He Had On Rubber Lips So Her Lips Never Really Touched His.
She
is mad and pushes Robin into the pool where he is supposed to be getting
attacked by underwater plants who are attempting to drown him, but you can
easily tell it is Robin who is just grabbing onto the plants and rolling around
with them. (Note to self: Really need to induct Bride of the Monster some day)
Poison
Ivy goes to leave, but Batman stands in her way. She then talks about how her
vines have a crush on Batman and ceiling vines grab Batman, then tie him to the
ceiling.
Quick,
Get Me Off This Ceiling. Lionel Ritchie
Is About To Dance On It And I Don’t Want Him Stepping On Me.
Poison
Ivy tries to leave again when a costumed Barbara breaks through the ceiling.
She says Poison Ivy is about to become compost so these two have a fight and
it’s really obvious they had stunt people to do this fight. Ivy produces a whip
and wraps it around Barbara’s leg, saying as she told Lady Fries before she
pulled the plug, this is a one woman show. Barbara then starts kicking Poison
Ivy’s ass after getting out of the whip and Ivy produces a dagger that she
looks at so she can check if she looks good via the reflection. Barbara kicks
the dagger away from her and kicks her into the plant throne, which closes on
Poison Ivy.
Well,
That Seemed Like A Huge Design Flaw With That Throne.
Both
Batman and Robin get out of their traps and Robin reveals that Freeze is going
to freeze the city. Batman says he knows and asks who the woman is. Barbara
calls herself Batgirl and reveals she knows about their secret. Robin says they
have to get those locks changed. Batman says she knows who they are, which
Robin replies that they will have to kill her. Batman says they will do that
after taking care of Mr. Freeze.
At
the Gotham Observatory (that has now turned into a basic Mr. Freeze base thanks
to the ice), Mr. Freeze has this saying before starting the machine.
Freeze: Let’s kick some
ice…
[40
jars in the jar]
Well,
the film isn’t over and we already have 10 dollars in the jar so one more cold
related pun and Mr. Freeze will get what he wanted earlier and that is to pass
this 10 dollar thing I predicted earlier.
Freeze
starts freezing Gotham and we see random people take the freeze ray.
Batman,
Robin, and Batgirl all have snow vehicles to head to Gotham Observatory.
Because
Why Not
Bruce
then says that they have less than 11 minutes to thaw the city. One of Freeze’s
goons comes out in that Freeze vehicle and starts shooting icicles at the
three. Batgirl flips off her motorcycle and Robin hits the breaks on his
snowmobile so he can catch Batgirl. And since the motorcycle was still running
somehow, Batgirl is able to get back on the vehicle she flipped off of.
Batman’s vehicle parks right in front of the Freeze vehicle and the goon tries
to shoot him with the freeze ray, but Batman’s vehicle has reflector shields so
it freezes the goon instead.
Mr.
Freeze sees on his monitor that the three are coming and tells Bane to take
care of Robin and Batgirl, but leave Batman to him. The three heroes use their
grappling hooks to climb to the observatory. Robin says there is no sign of the
snowman.
[41
quarters in the jar]
Congratulations
Robin, your cold pun caused us to go past 10 dollars in this jar. Mr. Freeze
would be so proud.
See…
Then
Batgirl thinks that maybe he melted. Since that is still a cold pun, I’m
counting it.
[42
quarters in the jar]
And
Batman then says no, he is just hibernating. Cold pun…
[43
quarters in the jar]
Batman
tries to set heaters to try and thaw the two scientists. Batgirl says she hopes
he has ten million more of those things while Robin says there is only 8 more
minutes to save Gotham. Batman says sunrise could reverse it, but Batgirl says
sunrise isn’t until 5 hours. They then figure out if the can relay the sunlight
from the Congo using the satellites, they might be able to save Gotham.
Oh
Dear God…The Last Time We Used Satellites With The Congo, We Ended Up With Fake
Killer Gorillas And Bruce Campbell Getting Killed Like A Bitch Off-Screen
Unfortunately
that plan is kaput as the targeting mirrors are frozen, which means the thawing
beam won’t work. Batman then tells the two to thaw the mirrors while he sets up
the telescope. While Batman is setting up, we get a surprise Mr. Freeze.
AHHHH!!!!
DON’T DO THAT!!!
Mr.
Freeze says that for tonight’s forecast, a freeze is coming.
[44
quarters in the jar]
Mr.
Freeze knocks Batman off the controls and Batgirl & Robin off the building.
Thankfully, Batgirl’s grappling hook is able to catch something so she saves
Robin.
Robin
Is Like Princess Toadstool In That He Has To Be Saved By Everybody
The
two find a place to land and there, they encounter Bane.
Meanwhile,
back at the observatory telescope, Batman and Mr. Freeze are trying to alter
the machine to suit their goals with Batman wanting to realign the satellites
with the telescope to thaw out everything while Freeze tries to stop him from
doing that. Meanwhile the two scientists are just hanging onto the telescope
while it is moving.
Bane
is about to strangle the two sidekicks to death when they are able to kick the
tube from Bane’s head.
Bane
starts shrinking and screaming from losing all that Venom before going back to
the Bane he was before Venom.
Freeze
is choking Batman, but that allows Batman to put one of those thawing devices
onto Mr. Freeze which causes problems and allows Batman to knock him into the
crystals, destroying the freeze engine.
Batman
realigns the telescope with the satellites and is about to thaw out Gotham
before time runs out, which surprisingly he actually did in this movie.
Batman
tells Mr. Freeze that he has lost, which Mr. Freeze says no to and sets off the
icicle bombs. Freeze then says, “Freeze in Hell, Batman.”
[45
quarters in the jar]
The
telescopes starts falling and Batman is able to get the two scientists out
before it crashes.
Batman
lands them somewhere save and goes back to the observatory, giving both Batgirl
and Robin a ride up there too.
Batgirl
is about to give up hope, but Batman says the satellites are still working and
could be positioned to thaw the city directly. He said that would take a
computer genius, which both Robin and Batgirl says they are on as they both
know their way around computers. And this plan works.
With
Surprisingly Barely Any Time To Spare
Batman
then go to Mr. Freeze and tell him that he is taking him in.
Freeze
tells them to kill him like he did his wife, but Batman reveals that Poison Ivy
was the one who deactivated his wife via a video recorder.
Which
No Way Batman Could Have Recorded Since He Was On The Ceiling And The Selfie Stick
Weren’t Invented Yet.
Freeze
yells about this, realizing how much of a fool he was. But Batman has some good
news. They were able to restore her and she is still frozen alive, waiting for
him to find a cure. Batman gives a speech about Vengeance not being power as
anyone can take a life, but to give life, that is true power. Batman then
offers Freeze a deal to continue working on a cure at Arkham with funding he
needs. He also wants him to help Batman be able to cure McGregor’s Syndrome
Stage 1. Freeze then gives Batman two vials from his suit.
He
Tells Him To Take Both Of Them And Then Call Him In The Morning.
So
now here comes the biggest issue with Freee’s whole motivation. If Victor Fries
was able to cure at least 1 stage of McGregor’s Disease, how in the blue and
coldest of hells was he not able to get funding. He just had a cure to a
disease at Stage 1 and was partially at curing Stage 2. You mean to tell me
that between the two years that Victor Fries had his accident till he turns
evil, no one was giving him funding. It’s either that or Victor never thought
to present his findings to anyone because considering his accomplishments
winning a Nobel freaking Prize for Molecular Biology and the fact that he has a
cure for Stage 1, I wouldn’t be surprised if the CDC didn’t dump a boatload of
money for him to continue his research. In the cartoon, Mr. Freeze is evil
because his whole accident was an act of sabotage by an asshole working at
Wayne Enterprise who didn’t want to give him the money. That sabotage by that
asshole with his associates cause Mr. Freeze not to trust anyone and that is
why he was evil. In this film, he is evil because….shut up, he’s just evil. All
while trying to exploit that great backstory from the animated series while
half assing it at the same time.
At
Wayne Manor, they give Alfred the antidote and wait till the morning to see if
it works. There is a minute the film tries to build tension in saying it might not
have worked, but you all know it works and Alfred is better.
Meanwhile
at Arkham, Poison Ivy is in her cell playing “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not”
with a flower and she gets to a point where she says he loves me, when a voice
says “Not”. It is then revealed that Mr. Freeze is her new cellmate and he is
going to make her life a living hell for what she did to him. He finally
finishes off by saying for her to prepare for a bitter harvest as winter has
come at last.
About
Damn Time
But
there is still this one thing about the future of Batgirl. Bruce wants Barbara
to go back to school, but Robin is like “Come on” and Bruce relents to letting
her on the team and we end the film with the three running towards the camera.
And
like I hinted earlier, this film completely bombed at the box office and
originally, the filmmakers were blaming “yellow journalism” like Harry Knowles
from Aint It Cool News. Eventually, Warner Bros. admitted it failed in the
states, but succeeded overseas. However because of the failure of Batman &
Robin in what some critics call the Dark Ages of Summer Films, where in a
period between 1996 to 2000, people just expected summer blockbusters to suck,
it ultimately caused them to cancel the planned sequel to this film called
Batman Triumphant as none of the actors were willing to return since they were
embarrassed by the final product. In fact, the only idea that was kept from
that planned film in the reboot Batman Begins, was the idea of Scarecrow being
a villain.
As
I mentioned in Batman Forever, the career of Joel Schumacher was never the same
and he has not been consistent with films these days. Chris O’Donnell as I also
mentioned from last time, too a hiatus from big movies due to his embarrassment
from the film. This film and Excess Baggage proved that Alicia Silverstone was
no box office success story and more box office poison so now she is doing
smaller films, along with being an animal rights and environmental activist.
Both Pat Hingle and Michael Gough (like in Batman Forever) are sadly no longer
with us. They are sadly joined in this list of actors from this film no longer
with us by Jeep Swenson (who played Bane and died of a heart attack two months
after the film was released) and John Ingle (who played the doctor in the scene
with Alfred’s diagnosis of McGregor’s Syndrome Stage 1 and died of cancer in
2012). Both Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse Ventura both became governors of
California and Minnesota with Ventura now being a nut and Arnold going back to
starring in movies. Uma Thurman is still also starring in movies, showing that
her role as Poison Ivy and as Emma Peel in the Avengers were mostly just
aberrations, but still seen as only good when given good material. And finally
in a bit of a strange twist, George Clooney’s star power since Batman &
Robin is enormous and George even won an Academy Award for Best Supporting
Actor for Syriana. This film is basically like an annoying bug bite to Clooney’s
acting career.
Now
for the final thoughts of this film and yeah…this film is basically everything
bad about big budget summer blockbusters (stunt casting, cheesy dialogue,
product placement, completely half assing the source material, completely dated
CGI, a terrible script and basically taking no chances) all mixed into one
stock pile of pure garbage. As I showed, if you played the game I did with the
cold puns, I could buy two McDonald’s Big Mac value meals and maybe still have
some money left over to get something small. I didn’t even try with the plant
puns because that isn’t really picked on although trust me, there are way more
plant puns than cold puns. The only positive with these two films is these films have made appreciate Michael Gough more as Alfred than I did before inducting these two lame Batman films. Bottom line is eventually you can’t just survive on
name alone and sooner or later (I’m looking at you Transformers franchise), you
are going to slip up and get to cocky….and it will be a glorious box office
flop when it happens.
Well,
it is the beginning of the summer that was decided by the Fantasy Football bet
and since Team Monster Crap did better than anyone else, it was a summer for
the fans to decide. So both NegaSeth and myself had to come to an agreement
that most of the films voted on will be films I own, but we would put requests
in there. So NegaSeth, what is the first film decided.
Well, it seems we are inducting a film that while it
still sucks, it probably would make more money in today’s theatrical trends of
now with them sending more cartoon characters in the real world since they make
money like The Smurfs and Alvin & The Chipmunks. However, in 2000, this was
a bad idea and this film flopped because of it, along with being terrible. So
prepare yourself to deal with Pottsylvania’s weapon against the viewer as you
will be watching.
