This Eye Needs To Be On The Sex Offenders List
1999
Are
you sure you want to do this one, Pete? I mean, compared to your first two
selections, this one is pretty tame on the porn aspect and pretty messed up on
everything else
You’re damn right I do. Not all my selections are
going to be pure porn and this one is good enough for me. Besides, I think you need a film once in a while
that just makes you go “what the fuck”.
Okay,
well folks…it’s time to do another Charles Band movie.
Yes,
I know…you might be surprised that Charles Band would be responsible for a film
that could be close to porn (don’t worry, I am too). But according to IMDB,
they have done actually several of these (like Zorrita: Passion’s Avenger, The
Mistress Club, Diary of Lust, and so on). But unlike most of those films, this
one also has with us a guy at the directing helm who is infamous with bad
movies in David Decoteau.
No,
I Have No Plans At This Time To Do That Film Because That Would Mean I Would
Actually Have To Watch The Film And Going By Other’s Reviews….Dear Lord, I
Probably Go Insane And Go On A Murderous Rampage.
Heck,
he even did a film that I nominated for the GINO Award last year in Hansel
& Gretel: Warriors Of Witchcraft, the ripoff film where the main
character’s names are NOT Hansel & Gretel. So yeah, if I go by the later
years, I would so hate this man and put him on my worst directors list, but
films like this make me say that he actually had some talent. Of course the
only person in this film who has past Monster Crap experience is Linnea Quigley
in an uncredited role as a shower girl on TV.
So
without further ado….let’s get into The Killer Eye.
First
I Need To Mention That This Is Under Full Moons’ Pulp Fantasy Line Of Films
Which Specializes In Non-Full Moon Type Horror Films, Meaning It Is Any Horror
Film That Doesn’t Deal With Puppets.
We
officially begin this film at the apartment of Dr. Jordan Grady.
This
Guy Whose Name In The Credits Is Street Kid. And Yeah, You Can See How You
Could Kind Of Get The Idea That David Decoteau Likes Gay Porn.
Anyway,
Dr. Grady thanks this kid for accepting his offer. He tells the kid relax as he
plants to put some eye drops in one of his eyes. The kid is offering him sex
(he is a gigolo) because his rates are the same, but Jordan says no thanks. He
gives him a seat as he puts the eye drop on his right eye.
My
Dog Knows What That Is Like And She Hates That I Have To Do It Every Day To
Keep Her Eye Moist Since It Is A Cherry Eye.
Not
going to bore you on what that is so if you are interested, feel free to look
it up because this induction will still be here when you get back and you won’t
even have to worry about the hassle of pausing a video.
He
tells the kid that in a few minutes after the solution takes effect, he wants
the kid to look into the telescope-like device and then simply describe what he
sees. He mentions that through all of this, he may be the very first person to
see inside the 8th Dimension. Of course they are interrupted by Dr.
Grady’s wife Rita.
Played By The Extremely Attractive Jacqueline
Lowell, Who Was Kind Of My First Porn Crush.
Ah,
I see why you wanted me to do this film.
I’ve seen her in such things as Who Killed Buddy
Blue, and I’m Watching You. Yeah, sadly I haven’t seen her in much stuff. But
she always left in impact.
Moving
on, the kid seems to have a little crush of his own on the guy’s wife and Dr.
Grady tells her that he is in the middle of something. Rita says he is cute and
she hopes he doesn’t blind him like the last one. The kid seems a little
worried there, but Jordan assures him that she was just joking. He says he is
going to talk to his wife and just tell him when his eye starts to tingle. He
goes over to his wife and says it was not funny mentioning that the last guy
was blinded (so yeah, that legit happened). Rita of course is tired of paying
for the hospital bills of these patients (meaning she has money). Jordan
explains that when this is all over, it will be worth it in the end. Rita of
course also wants sex since she is the type of girl who needs a lot of
attention.
While
they are arguing, the kid gets that tingling feeling in his eye and tries to
tell the doctor, but he is too busy arguing with his wife to even notice. So
the kid decides to put his eye into the telescope like device.
Luckily
There Was Not Ink Around That Eyepiece
Suddenly
we hear a laser sound and the kid starts to go back. You can see that something
is extremely wrong with his eye and then…
Yeah,
Basically His Eye Enlarges And Exits Out Of His Head.
The
Killer Eye, Ladies And Gentlemen.
Jordan
tells his wife to go for a walk and visit the neighbors because that always
seems to cool her down. Meanwhile, the eye is looking at certain things on the
wall.
Your
Guess Is As Good As Mine As To Why Dr. Jordan Grady Has Those When He Seems To
Be Specializing In Eyes. But I Guess This Is To Move The Plot Along.
Jordan
goes back to the room and finds out that his patient basically lost his eye and
is now dead.
Well,
I Don’t Think Death Is Going To Be Something That Is Handled With A Simple
Payday From Your Wife
He
realizes that it got inside and instead of you know, warning someone about
this…he decides he wants to cover this up.
Then
We Get Our Opening Title Sequence….7 Minutes Into The Damn Film. Dear God, I
Freaking Hate When That Happens.
We
then go through the opening credits.
Rolfe Kanefsky Wrote This, Huh? Well, That Is
Interesting
What
do you mean?
Oh, you’ll find out…in due time
Okay…
I
Guess I Have To Add That David Decoteau Also Liked To Use Alias For Films He
Directed.
Yep…David Decoteau had Pseudonyms like David Doe,
David McCabe, Julien Breen, Richard Chasen (like in this film), Jack Reed,
Joseph Tennent, Ellen Cabot, Victoria Sloan, & Mary Crawford.
Hey,
those last three are names for women.
Yeah, stuff like that and stuff later in this film
makes me think that Decoteau might have been giving something away about his
private life.
Wait,
what do you mean later on in the film?
Oh, there is a few shirtless guys in their underwear in this film.
What?!!!
But don’t worry…I don’t think this was meant to be
gay porn. This is a monster movie with porn elements. I don’t like gay porn
either.
Back
to the film, we meet the neighbors, who are these two stoners.
Yep,
You Could Definitely See David Decoteau All Over This Film
These
two guys talk about their highs. Rita shows up and we learn the two stoners’
names are Joe and Tom. Rita has a very special favor to ask of them, which the
guys mention that they have done these special favors before. Rita explains
that she is high maintenance and since her husband did say he wants her to be
happy, she thinks it is okay if she cheats on him.
Elsewhere
in the same building, we meet another couple named Jane and Morton.
He
tells Morton that he needs a couple extra hands moving the body and Morton
wonders what the hell happened. Jordan tries to say it is a cadaver that he
borrowed from the hospital, but the fact that it is clothed, he is missing an
eye, and the wound is freaking recent. Morton basically says that we are just
going to pretend all of what he said is true since he is his employee. They
then put the body in a crate
Meanwhile,
we find out what Rita’s special favor is.
Basically
Joe Has Sex With Her While Tom Watches, Rubbing His Chest.
The Killer Eye & The Horny Owl Are Watching As Well.
Both
guys decide the need some rest in the middle of sex and she basically calls
them amateurs. Meanwhile, as Jordan and Morton are moving the crate, Jordan
says he might have made a breakthrough with the machine, but nothing is
conclusive yet. He lies about the subject doing great, but Morton realizes that
the “cadaver” is the dead body of the subject. He explains that it was all an
accident, but the police won’t understand so they have to hide the body.
Then
they meet the guy’s whose name is on the credits, and I am not making this up,
Creepy Bill.
The
Killer Eye goes up to the three who are lying in bed and decides to molest the
woman.
Oh No….It’s That Trollenberg Terror Dream Again. No!!!!!!
He
tries to tell the other two what he saw, but Rita and Tom, who was basically
zapped and apparently forgot that, claim that he was high and just seeing
things. Tom then basically believes that he was high with no argument.
Morton
tells Jordan that he doesn’t appreciate the doctor for making him an accessory.
Jordan explains that he made one of the greatest scientific discovery and knows
firsthand (through scientific mumbo jumbo) that the kid’s eye punched a hole
through the 8th Dimension and something came through it. Jordan has
machines that he can use to detect where it is (basically like Geiger counters
so they can go and find whatever came out of the 8th Dimension. The
doctor tells his assistant to check all the buildings with the counter and see
if he finds it while he stays here and processes the data. Of course the doctor
also believes that the thing cannot be bigger than a marble, but you can
already see where that is wrong.
Meanwhile,
Jane is on the treadmill and is mad that another promise of a night out is
ruined. And yes, the Killer Eye is also there.
We see everything from Jane. Boobs, vagina, and ass.
Really?
Yep…
Oh
dear god, guys….let me induct the damn thing. Okay, meanwhile, Rita is upset
that Joe and Tom weren’t able to give her the needs she wanted and of course,
Morton shows up. Rita tries to get Morton to fulfill her sexual needs, but
Morton isn’t having it as he is happily married. Also, he knows she is cheating
on Jordan and if she doesn’t stop trying to hit on him, he will tell his boss
about it. Also, the device in his hand basically says there is a lot of
whatever that Killer Eye has, on Rita.
Back
at the Grady residence, Jordan looks at his data and believes the result will
somehow complicate matters and runs into Creepy Bill, who basically told him
that yeah…he found the body in the crate. Bill wants to talk about it so Jordan
agrees to that.
Rita
still tries to have sex with Tom & Joe, but both of them are out of it so
it’s a no go and with them being so high, she leaves.
The
Eye then decides to play some music and massage Jane, who believes that it is
Morton trying to make up for him basically not keeping the promise of their
special date.
Dammit
Eye, Can You Keep It In Your Figurative Pants.
Morton
comes in and they both see the Eye who shoots both of them with its lasers.
Bright
Light! Bright Light!
Back
at the Grady place, Creepy Bill talks about the situation as Jordan is planning
on killing him with his keyboard.
Both
Morton and Jane wake up from their hypnosis and wonder what the hell happened.
He then goes back to the last thing he remembers and goes to tell Grady about
the Eye.
Jordan
tells Bill that we cannot tell anyone which Bill agrees to, and when Rita shows
up, he accidentally tells her that the street kid is in the attic, because he
thought as his wife, she already knew. Meanwhile, the Killer Eye goes back
inside the body of the street kid. And of course the Eye controlled corpse
shows up in front of Rita.
Run Away, Run Away!!!
Back
at the pad, Dr. Grady believes that this thing is a hermaphrodite, but it may
have only the male part come through so maybe it is looking for females. So in
essence, Jordan….it is basically a male who wants to get his freak on and not
really a hermaphrodite. Morton mentions that Jane is at their place with no memory
of it and he would like to keep it that way.
Jordan
then explains that by possessing a human eye, it is stuck with the limitations
of a human eye which is being very sensitive to life and needing brain matter
to nourish it. Without the brain matter needed to survive and bright light,
they believe they can kill it. Bill then says since it has been roaming around
for hours, it has to be getting tired.
So
we go to Joe and Tom’s place, where they are watching a woman take a shower
from a movie. This is where Linnea Quigley shows up as she is making out with
some guy, but there is a very good reason she is uncredited for this as they
are just watching the movie she was in called Creepozoids (which was an Alien
rip-off) where this scene happens. So really, I shouldn’t give Linnea Quigley
responsibility for being in this film as it was just stuff from another movie.
Tom
has to go to the bathroom and that is when the Killer Eye shows up.
Whatcha
Watching?
The
Killer Eye then enters Joe’s skull. Tom comes back in and Joe says that he
needs female and Tom says there is one on the television. Of course, Joe tries
to enter the tv, but no luck as Tom just says if he wants the real thing, then
maybe he should go find Rita. Joe shows up at the Grady place and Morton tells
Joe to look after Jane for them, which Joe agrees to.
Joe
shows up at the place where Jane is and covers the lights before making the
moves on her. Jane still out of it, asks Joe for a glass of water, which he
gets for her. After doing some searching and Tom goes looking for Joe, after
Rita insults him by calling him pathetic for being high. Joe tries to massage
Jane and when she turns around, she sees Joe without an eye and the Killer Eye
behind him.
Jordan
shows up and he wants to talk with Rita privately. He gives the others what he
says is a cross-dimensional time bomb, basically saying that we can get the eye
into the trap, get five minutes to run away and set off the bomb. Of course, we
never get the ramifications of this plan and how it will screw other people,
because the time bomb he is referring to is just a regular digital stop watch,
and now they know that Jordan was playing them all for fools so he can get Rita
alone with the Eye.
And
yes, that was the idea of Jordan as he introduces Rita to the Eye and explains
that he is trying to let his experiment exist in our world and if the Eye needs
females, then he will give it females starting with his wife.
In return of course, the Eye will give him a way to open up a portal to the 8th Dimension so we can have a whole world with these little guys. Of course Rita wonders what he is talking about and Jordan then says that this eye is not here by accident, but is here as an advanced scout for the invasion fleet. Rita now wants a divorce lawyer and everyone shows up to ruin his plan while Jordan says “Curses”. Tom tries to attack, but the Eye kills him.
They
hit it with the flashlights and the Eye runs away. The crew goes after it as
Jordan follows in an attempt to stop them from ruining everything. In a final
stand, the Eye also kills Bill.
Going
Back To The Same Place He Came Out Of…..Nowhere
Rita
turns on the lights to the room and the Eye is now trapped. Rita says that the
only way out for the Eye is to go back where it came from, and the Eye starts
to do that.
Yep….Next
Up For Them Is To Go On Maury Povich And For Maury To Say That The Killer Eye
Is Indeed The Father
And
that’s how the Killer Eye ends. The Eye wins and it gets away with its molestations.
As
I had mentioned we all knew about David Decoteau basically becoming a director
who doesn’t even try with his films anymore and is just about making money now.
Jacqueline Lowell (who played Rita) would have two more films that could be
considered softcore (one released the same year as this and one released in
2001). All of these films including this one were mostly made in 1998, where
afterwards she retired from acting to settle down and start a family. In 2002,
she went back to acting, but has kept away from roles in softcore films. Costas
Koromilas has done a few more films before he stopped acting in 2006, and got
married to make-up artist named Kristen Axelson, who they met in his last film
and she has stopped doing work too. Blake Adams (who played Creepy Bill) still
does work, but mostly as a small role in several TV shows. Unfortunately the
depressing is Dave Oren Ward (who played Tom) as after this and doing two more
films that would be released later, was stabbed to death in a road rage incident
by another actor named Nate Moore on August 2, 1999. Everyone else has done
very little otherwise or nothing at all in the case of Nanette Bianchi (who
played Jane). In 2011, Charles Band and Full Moon Entertainment released a
sequel called Killer Eye: Halloween Haunt.
Now
for my opinion on this film. This film is kind of messed up.
Oh come on, I’ve seen worse in Japanese Hentai
cartoons.
My
point still stands. However, this is strangely the most entertaining of the
three porn films you had me review because it is not a complete “We need to
have a sex scene every five minutes”, which basically grinds the plot to a huge
halt. Yes, this film has those scenes that grind the plot to a halt, but they
are not as tedious and you get to see how this thing works. Oh and speaking of
the thing, it is actually there, as the monster is a real practical effect and
only the lasers are really CGI. So yeah, if you are okay with watching Galaxy
of Terror and that infamous scene of a woman getting fucked to death by a
creature, then you might be okay with this one as well.
Wait…you are actually giving this a recommendation?
In
some weird way, yeah…but only because of the first two films you have shown me
being chores to sit through. It’s a freaking monster movie and I do enjoy
those. So thanks for showing me this one, even if it is pretty messed up with
what the creature does and I still think this Eye should be a registered sex
offender. So what do you have next, Pete?
Glad you asked. Remember when I mentioned that it
was interesting that Rolfe Kanefsky wrote this film?
Yes…I
remember.
Well, it turns out he actually DIRECTED the next film for you to induct on my summer. That film is starring my second porn crush ever Kira Reed and it is….
Alien Files (AKA Sex Files: Alien Erotica)
