Monster Crap
Inductee: The Breastford Wives
Breastford Kind Of Sucks
2007
PETE!!!!
Yeah…
So
not only did you in your first chance give me a film that is boring as hell,
but you gave me a film with no monsters in it.
Really?
Really….despite
the fact that this is supposed to parody a film where women are replaced by
robots, these are just people who are under mind control.
Sorry…I had not seen this film in a while so I guess
I must have forgot that and assumed they actually parodied it.
Alright
Pete…I can’t induct this film so I need you to find me a film in your
collection that has monsters in it.
Well, I have this film called House on Hooter Hill,
by the same director Jim Wynorski under the same pseudonym H.R. Blueberry.
Does
it have monsters in it?
Well, checking on IMDB, one of the keywords is
Ghost. And the summary says the film is haunted by paranormal activity
Alright,
that’s fine…let me try and induct this film.
Monster Crap:
House On Hooter Hill
Same Hill, Different Day
2007
Not again…
You
did it again. I watched this film which is a murder mystery and despite what
that plot said, there is no ghost to be seen. In fact, no furniture even moves
to signify there was a ghost. The only thing we can assume was a ghost was some
psychic who says the house is haunted by her spirit and she uses her magic to
try and talk to it.
Really? That’s kind of lame.
Yes,
that is. Now I can’t 100% blame you for this one, but that is strike 2. One
more strike and I might as well cancel your whole Summer.
But…
Not
buts about this one. I may hate Nega Seth to absolute hell, but he has never
tried to make me do a film that had no monsters in it. So you better make your
final chance count.
Okay well…I wasn’t going to have you induct this one
since if it would happen, it would have to be two inductions in a row and I
want to use this summer to show different directors, but since I am sort of
backed into a corner. I’m going to give you a DVD of a film I do know has
supernatural things to it and that is The Witches of Breastwick.
Are
you sure this one has what I qualify as monsters.
If you counted Space Mutiny as a movie with monsters
since a species of humanoids have witch powers, you WILL count this.
Alright….we
shall see.
Monster Crap
Inductee: The Witches of Breastwick
Three Dream Raping Devils
2005
Finally…
Okay,
it has been a long time since we talked about Jim Wynorski and the last time I
did that was Chopping Mall, which you know, got me a crap tons of emails
wondering why I would induct this into a site about crap since they didn’t
think it was crap, because far be it from me to induct a film that I hated and
has a 5.4 on IMDB.
Anyway,
I do consider Jim Wynorski one of the worst directors I have ever had the
regret of having their films inducted. He may have had only one film inducted
here, but he has had more than his fair share of crap that one day will be
inducted. But let’s get to the guy himself.
Jim
Wynorski was one of those directors who started off doing films for Roger
Corman which works for plenty of directors over the years who went on to do
better things, but this guy wasn’t good enough for that. But thanks to a friend of his Fred Olen Ray
(who he co-directed some of his films with him), Jim Wynorski also got into the
porn game and decided in an attempt to save his resume to put fake names to the
credit of director. Those names are Rip Masters, Sam Pepperman, Salvadore Ross,
Tom Popatopolous, Noble Henry, and in this film’s case, Harold “H.R.”
Blueberry”.
Now,
normally I wouldn’t even bother with past works because well, I know none of
these people, but that is not entirely true. I say that because one of these
guys was in a past induction of mine in Jay Richardson.
Yep,
He Was The Sleazy Magazine Editor Bob Gordon
So
yeah, other than that….there isn’t much else so let’s get to the film.
And
we immediately get the title screen with a campfire.
Yes,
Beavis & Butthead Are Enjoying This Film
By the way, the three women are Stormy Daniels,
Glori-Anne Gilbert, and Julie K. Smith.
I
know who Stormy Daniels is since I believe she has a fan in a guy I have
watched on YouTube in Unemployed Skeletor and was also a porn star in The 40
Year Old Virgin at the same time as this film was done. I also know who
Glori-Anne Gilbert is since she was in those other films you made me watch,
making me believe they have monsters in them (also just realized that her full
initials come out to GAG). But who is Julie K. Smith?
Well, she was in three episodes of the series called
Erotic Confessions and was in The Bare Wench Project, along with other things.
Also was Penthouse Pet of the Month for 1993.
Thanks
for that info. Anyway, after a while….one of them produces a dagger.
Nooo….Not
While I’m Having Women Give Me A Lap Dance.
She
is prepared to stab him, but he wakes up and this was all just some dream.
A wet dream, that is.
You’re
about to get stabbed, how in the hell is that a wet dream?
Oh yeah, forgot about that.
Moving
on, he wakes up from sitting and we see that he is talking to his psychiatrist,
Dr. Richards.
Dr.
Richards Is Probably Wondering Why Are We Having This Session In A Board Room
Anyway,
I feel like I have seen that room before. Dr. Richards tries to ask some legit
questions like unrequited love or thinking about having an affair and David
Carter (who is our main character that was being molested) can respond with is
rude answers of no. He then mentions that maybe he should face his demons,
which David says how he can face his demons if he doesn’t know what they are.
David then mentions that he plans on going to find the place where the dreams
have been taking place and Dr. Richards thinks this is a bad move, but David
feels it is a chance he is willing to take. Dr. Richards says that he has seen
people chase their nightmare into a padded cell. Richards recommends that he
takes some time and look deep inside himself. David says he doesn’t care what
he thinks, which Richards says he can only say he told him so later and that he
has an appointment for next week.
David
leaves as Dr. Richards says to himself that his patient is a pain in the ass. His
assistant comes in and for some unknown reason, decides to get on the table and
perform a striptease for Dr. Richards.
Dr.
Richards Loves His Job
That is of course Jodie Moore from in episode of the
Best Sex Ever where she played a stripperobics instructor and best friend of
the main character.
Okay,
after that several minutes of this striptease, we move on to David and his wife
Tiffany taking a drive to the hills. They stop and they have a conversation.
Ah Monique Parent (also known as Monique Harlow,
Scarlet Johansing and Marnay Miranda)…she has had a lot of credits to her name
besides what Seth mentioned. She was in two episodes of Erotic Confessions, an
episode of Intimate Sessions, four episodes of Beverly Hills Bordello, both
Club Wild Side movies, an episode of Passions Cove, the movie The Seduction of
Maxine, an episode of Thrills, a…
We
get it, she has been a lot of stuff you have seen. She was also sadly in that
first film you sent me, The Breastford Wives. First of all, Scarlet Johansing,
really?
Well, to be fair, she was married at the time Harry
Johansing so she took his last name while also doing a porn name for Scarlet
Johansson.
Okay…secondly,
with all the films you have seen her in, I guess you kind of have an attraction
to her.
Not really…for some reason, she never did it for me.
Well,
that is a first. Okay, moving on.
Tiffany
here thinks that David is looking for a needle in a haystack, but David
disagrees and says that this place then looks familiar. The two then decide to
find a place on the hillside to have sex, which takes several minutes.
WAIT
A DAMN MINUTE!!!
This
hill, the two having sex on it, that board room from earlier…those were in
those two other films you showed me, Pete. In fact, this entire sex scene is
similar in almost everything to a sex scene from each of those two other films.
Yeah, Jim Wynorski loved to use the same sets and
actions from previous films of his, but with new people. It was a lot cheaper
and since this film was shot in three days, you have to take what you can
easily get.
But
having the same scene in each movie…
It’s a porno…relax. Just get back to the film.
Fine…they
have the sex, get dressed, and David finds a fallen tree trunk that he has seen
in his dreams.
Oh
Jeez….You Found A Tree Trunk That Someone Hollowed Out To Basically Look Like A
Bench. There Isn’t Like A Million Of Those Around.
David
is able to convince his wife to continue on. Their car breaks down and after a
few minutes of trying to figure out the problem, they give up and with no cell
service, they walk to find help when they come upon a house.
It’s
The Same House From The Other Two You Showed Me, Pete
They
go up and knock on the door. Lola answers the door.
Yep…It’s
One Of The Witches From The Dreams
David
seems to think he has seen her before while Tiffany says that their car broke
down and they need to use a phone. Lola says that it is fine and invites them
in. They of course use the phone to call the towing company, who tells them
that it will be two or three hours before they can get there. Lola invites the
two to wait at her place until they get help. She pours the two red wine as
David and Tiffany look out on the patio.
Well,
I’ll Say This…The House Is Nice.
Lola
also decides to put drugs into the wine.
Okay,
If The Giant Claw Pops Up In This Film, I Will So Immediately Give This Film A
Recommendation.
I’m afraid I am already going to have to tell you
that won’t be happening. Besides, while they may sound the same, they are
spelled differently.
Dammit…
Anyway,
Lola leaves the two so she can get her two friends down for dinner. David
reveals that Lola looks exactly like one of the women in his dreams and Tiffany
just doesn’t believe him. Meanwhile, Lola’s two friends decide to have sex and
Lola interrupts them to reveal that the person they have wanted has arrived.
One of the two asks if he recognized her and Lola says that she thinks so, and
then the other says that their plan is now ready to commence. Of course it is
other two women Rebecca (played by Gilbert) and Felicia (played by Daniels),
but since they are nude, I’m going to save my reveal of the two for later. Then
Rebecca and Felicia continue to have sex.
As
David and Tiffany enter back into the house, Lola comes to introduce Rebecca
and Felicia.
In
the spare bedroom, Tiffany thinks they are nice people and David says so was
Ted Bundy and he is not happy that they are spending the night with these
people. Lola thinks she is just being way too negative about people and David
thinks he is being cautious. David decides to rest as Lola goes to the hot tub.
Yep….Felicia
& Rebecca.
Well,
they all decide to have a threesome. David takes a shower and is met by Lola
who asks him where he knows her from.
Yeah,
Stewie Griffin’s Sexy Parties Are More Entertaining
Oh, I vehemently disagree
Of
course you do because these women show their boobs.
Back
in the bedroom, David gets woken up by a random woman.
Ah that is Tamie Hannum. Very sexy lass who I have
seen an episodes of Erotic Confessions, Nightcap, Lady Chatterly’s Stories, The
Pleasure Zone, and Bed Time Stories. She was also in films like Sexy Suspects,
Forbidden Sins, and Club Wild Side 2. She started late in softcore porn films
at the age of 29 (that’s late in the porn industry) and she hasn’t been in
anything since 2005 so the film you are watching is one of the last she did.
Anyway…the
first thing she does is introduce herself as a friend and starts having sex
with David. I would like to add by the way that his wife Tiffany is sleeping
less than ten feet away from where they are having sex. Oh and this same thing
happened in the other two films that Pete forced me to watch. So apparently in
porn films, the wife/girlfriend is a very heavy sleeper.
After
having sex, the woman introduces herself as Holly and warns David about the
three women they have met being witches. She tries to get him to go, but he
refuses as he wants to find the answers to his dreams. She warns that there
will be no answers if he doesn’t go.
The
next day, David wakes up to find his wife missing. He goes looking for her and
Felicia says that she went for a walk. He goes looking for her and he runs into
Holly, who warns him to leave before they use him and his wife to summon La
CaCanya. Holly then says that the witches are too powerful and she must go.
Running
Away While Wearing A Low Dress In The Woods…Seems Completely Pointless
By
the way, Rebecca shows up and when David asks where his wife is, Rebecca says
that she is eating breakfast. Rebecca says that Holly is just a girl who is
making up stories. Rebecca mentions in the past that she saw this three headed
dog.
To
Be Fair, I Think She May Have Just Seen The Shield
Then,
Rebecca has sex with David.
They
make more excuses about the tow truck not being here and at this point, Tiffany
doesn’t care as she would rather hear more about La CaCanya. Lola asks Felicia
to show both David and Tiffany the tree where La CaCanya was last seen near. Of
course, Tiffany would rather take a bath after the hike she took so David is
lead to the tree instead. Tiffany takes a bath and of course, Rebecca and Lola
join her.
Booo…That’s the last thing from my mind.
Of
course, anyway…Felicia leads David to the tree where La CaCanya was last seen and…go
ahead, guess what happens.
……
You give up?
They
Have Sex
David
wakes up after the sex with his clothes mysteriously back on and Felicia
missing. David goes to the car and is able to get it started, but he cannot
find Tiffany. It is of course night and Holly shows up to tell him that Tiffany
has been taken by the three witches and leads them to their location. Holly
also reveals that David is they want him because he is the last remaining
descendant of the settlers as David’s grandfather was the judge who ordered the
execution of La CaCanya. . Oh and all of the other guys who died of coronaries
from La CaCanya were descendants. Holly also hands David a dagger.
At
the fireplace, Lola, Rebecca, and Felicia have Tiffany tied up and in a trance.
With
The Drugs I Have Been Given, I Can Hear Colors.
Dammit…she
must have given drugs by TNA’s Willow.
With
This Guy, Just Say No…
They
summon La CaCanya, who is sadly just some person making a cameo.
Man,
The Giant Claw Would Have Been So Much Of A Better La CaCanya.
Hold your tongue!! That is Antonia Dorian who was in
the Bare Wench Project, and Dinosaur Island.
I’ve
checked her IMDB page and mostly her roles are just there to give her a spot
like being Vampire Girl #1, Lady in Red, Roommate, and Model #6. Basically she
is just there to making an appearance in this film. So you can guess how long
she is going to last in this film.
David
comes in and stabs La CaCanya with the dagger.
This
film was bad, but not as boring as The Breastford Wives and House on Hooter
Hill. The film is what it is and you will only be interested if you find the
women attractive and you want to see them have sex because as the director of
the film has admitted, basically they had to have nudity every five minutes. So
really, it is one of those films that this film is not meant for me.
Yeah, as I have mentioned, I wanted to do this as a
back to back with its more interesting, shot at the same time, sequel. That
film has a more interesting cast with the extremely sexy Rebecca Love, with
Nikki Fritz (who was in a past induction of yours), with Nicole Sheridan as a
genie (probably the same costume as a past movie I have seen), and most
interesting of all, former WCW women’s wrestler Tylene Buck aka Major Gunns.
Well,
that sounds very interesting. Why didn’t we induct that film?
Well, you have a policy right now where it says we
have to induct the first one (if bad enough) before we can get to the sequel.
Oh
yeah, that policy sometimes does come back to bite me in the ass, but it is
still going to stay because most times, it is there for memory of future
events.
So
let’s get to the next induction. What do you have for me?
Well, nearly two years ago, you highlighted one of
the films of one Fred Olen Ray. I remember this so well because that was the
first time I was able to debut on your site. So it is only fair that with my
debut being with Fred Olen Ray that on my summer, I deliver a film by one Fred
Olen Ray, who mostly does porn under the pseudonym of Nicholas Medina. And to
make sure you don’t get mad at me like you did during this induction for films
that “don’t have monsters in them”, I decided to look at the film that I had
planned myself to see if they had monsters and sure enough, they have dinosaurs
in it (they are even on the cover). So for your next foray into my world, I
give you…
Teenage Cavegirl
